Within the span of the 2 weeks, I drifted from being in self-denial to resentment, from resentment to realization, with the countless breakdowns in between. When the realization set in, the waiting was too much to bear. I'm glad the agony is over, and here comes the sunshine after the rain, sheltered by lots of hard work ahead.
As much as I'd like to think so, I haven't been a good partner, let alone, the best partner. It wasn't a case of insufficient effort, or anything along the likes, but I discovered how easy it was to take things for granted. Not intentionally of course, I've always felt that I wouldn't fall trap to that phase, that I cherish every moment of it.
In fact, I do. I cherish and treasure every moment of it, but at the same time, I had been selfish and inconsiderate. No matter how much you want to be caring and giving, it doesn't equate to truly caring and giving.
He makes me happy.
However, every time we have a disgreement or spat over something, I'd keep my feelings inside, cos things would be well and I didn't want to risk it and receive some adverse reactions. Coupled with how easy it was for me to get over it, I usually let it die down and sizzle out.
I got used to it, and I stopped talking to him. I don't mean silence, but not sharing. I was starting to take it for granted that he had to know what was going on in my head. I expected him to know, and when he didn't, I got upset, but I wouldn't share, and the vicious cycle goes on and on. Thing is, every time he didn't understand what was going on inside my head, I was building up blame inside me. Blame turned to resentment, which turned to unhappiness. I didn't understand why he was feeling what he was feeling. I shut him out first, yet I expect him to know what I wanted. I became so emotionally demanding of him, without realizing it.
What a bitch of a girlfriend I was.
When what happened happened, I was torn. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying, my work was going hell, even colleagues were asking if I was fine. Truth is, I wasn't. But I couldn't let it go on like that. For the first time in my life, I'm in a happy position at work, and I'm loving everything, every bit of stress, every frustration, every complain, every single part of it. I cannot afford to let it go down the drain. I took the silence of his more seriously than I should, I became incredibly over-sensitive.
His words were daggers that drove straight into my heart, his actions (or rather, lack of it) were 30kg weights on my shoulders. Every tiny action of his drove me crazy, left my brain in a wreck and my eyes all red and swollen. Even normal actions suddenly sparked crazy ideas in my head. I was driving myself crazy. Until I took myself out of my shell and stepped into his did I see how it was. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to turn back time, if I could.
This is where, the waiting can kill.
I knew I wanted to be there for him, no doubt bout that. Yet at the same time, I knew in order to be truly there for him, I had to let all my negativities out before I could give. The 3 days were a pain, it was a slow death. It wasn't easy for me to let it out to him finally. Tears flowed, I guess more as a relief than anything else. I could only hope that he would take it the right way and that it doesn't backfire on me.
2 days after the "ordeal", I'm glad I mustered the courage to let it out. I'm glad I realized what I realized, from now on, it's time to learn from past mistakes. I'm ready to give and take, and it feels good.
I'm back in my happy place. ;>
