s o l i l o q u y : A L O U D

beautiful moments.

2010-05-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

Caught in the middle.

2010-05-18T01:34:00.002+08:00

I guess it's only right that I shut up and leave. He needs his space and he needs to figure out his direction, I'd be happy for him if things turn out well between them. Truly will. It'll be a pity, but at least, I had a slight taste of the sweet dessert, and the short experience allowed me to gain confidence in myself once again. That I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of someone much more, someone who truly deserves me, and that there will be someone who sees that I'm beautiful, inside out.

It was sweet while it lasted. I just don't seem to have that kind of luck or fate to find someone who thinks the world of me.

Now, the 2 guys in my life are 2 hugely emotional creatures and rather than jumping into the whirlpool, for once in my life, I'm gonna take a step back, and lie back on my lounge chair, sip a lychee martini, and focus on myself for a bit.

Both directions could be a dead end, both could be heading in a roundabout, perhaps one path is the right one and the other's too dark to take the gamble. Rather than throw all my eggs in one basket and take the leap to one of the paths, I choose not to make a move. I'll sit right here, and not move a single strand of hair.

I'm too tired to give, too tired to care.

Think about it.

2009-03-30T20:21:00.003+08:00

I just came across a simple, yet thought provoking phrase, or personal belief, however you'd like to put it.

"If it will upset the other party when they find out, then it's considered cheating. So, if you need to hide it, don't do it."

Worth thinking about it.

2009-03-12T17:22:00.000+08:00

I'm now too tired to even move out of my seat to make my way home.

The same shit, in different colours.

2009-03-12T08:20:00.003+08:00

As of now, I declare I am drained. Absolutely every drop of me has been sucked dry. I don't want to move, I don't want to do anything, I don't even want to talk to anyone, I just want to lie in bed and sleep, or just stare into space.

I really want to get out of here for a couple of days, but I don't see the possibility of it happening anytime soon due to time or financial restrictions. Yes, I am a full time employee and a struggling student. It actually pains me to remove $200 from my bank account and watch it shrivel and die.

I am thinking, of going to somewhere myself, where I'll do just absolutely nothing. My colleague just went off to Bangkok, and I am so envious I swear I just turned green like the Incredible Hulk.

My mind is on permanent overdrive and it is running faster than I can even breathe. Maybe that explains why I forget to take breaths sometimes. Give me a bikini, a beach, the sun, shades, and a ice cold beer right now, and I'll marry you! Maybe not, but I'll be over the moon for sure. Even if it's just for 2 days.

Lamenting, grumbling, whining aside, I should really go get ready for work already.

Boobs are just mounds of fats and gravity hits you just below your belt.

2009-02-09T22:16:00.003+08:00

Men look at boobs. It's quite an understatement. They look at boobs, all kinds of boobs, regardless of age, and size does matter, cos, definitely, to men, the bigger the better. Men have this unexplainable atrraction to boobs, and the way they comment and discuss about boobs, you'd think they were choosing dead chickens in the market.

I wonder, if men know that they are being looked and scrutinised upon, like pieces of meat as well. When a man looks at a woman, the criteria due for rating - looks, and figure, and perhaps, the way we dress. That's how low they go.

When a woman looks at a man, a whole checklist springs up, from the way your hair is done up, to whether your shoelaces are tied properly, to the size of your muscles, your build, the way you talk, the size of your chest, and yes, not forgetting, the size of your manhood. Of course, we can't see through your pants, not to worry. This is why, a woman is more complex than a man. Men are simply superficial.

Men also love to talk. They probably don't even realise it themselves, or they refuse to admit so, they're all in denial. Stupid fools. They gossip. They bitch. They win women hands down. One thing they don't talk much about, is their sex lives. Cos when this comes to mind, one things clamps their mouths shut. The one amazing discovery called ego.

When men have boobs to look at, the two mounds of fats that intrigues both genders. Just today, I read in the Chinese papers, there's this woman from somewhere I don't recall, who had her breasts augmented 9 times, and she's now a 38KKK. I bet she can't bend over, or even lean forward. She probably eats her dinner with the tray balancing on her boobs, or silicon sacks to be precise. I wonder how she walks, and when her back is going to break under all those weight.

Oh, as I was saying, men have boobs for visual exploration, women have the male equivalent. No, not man boobs, you've got to look further south. Men, I assure you, women look. We look down, and we have ways to determine the size of your pride and ego. We use all sorts of indicators. Those with small hands, and small noses, I'm sorry, that's the way it is.

There are some women, who are born well-endowed. Age does hit them, and so does gravity. What used to intrigue men, now becomes a topic of discussion. These men don't realise. Not only does gravity hit women, they hit men too, just below the belt.

Think before you speak, and with each pair of boobs you scrutinise and criticise, there's 10 other pairs of eyes scrutinising you down south too. Sometimes, that isn't pretty.

You make me laugh.

2008-12-09T23:22:00.002+08:00

I was looking forward to next year's road trip, to the extent I can't wait for it to be here. Then plans were almost made to rest, and we made plans on our own. I got excited again, so excited I planned a long list of villas I shortlisted for you to choose, where we'll have a couple of days to ourselves. Albeit it being literally a couple of days, I was a happy girl.

I haven't had the chance to show you the list, now plans for the road trip seem to be back in place. Don't get me wrong, I still want the road trip, it'll be fun I know, cos going anywhere with you would do. Perhaps I don't quite like my plans being shuffled all over the place, and it's tiring to get anxious, then disappointed, then anxious all over again.

Thinking through, it could also be because, I really want a holiday. Our last real trip was in April, if I remember correctly. Any one that's coming up would do, yet either one's not happening anytime soon. I'm not bored of the routine, I just need somewhere to escape, and live someone else's life just for a teenie weenie while. Or, maybe, it could be that I'm too envious of everyone else taking leave and going on a holiday.

July's a good 7 months away, and that's too long. I may just wilt and wither away into nothingness. It's too many days to count down till then, too many pending confirmations, for me to start anyway.

Having said that, I've never been more convinced, how much I enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Slowing the pace to almost a stop, after a week of hustle and bustle. Either that, or I'm simply too lazy to move my butt anywhere.

All I want to say right now is, you make me happy and make me want to run into the wall headfirst, all at the very same time. You're amazing.....and amazingly irritating.

Losing someone dear.

2008-09-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a wake, the wake of a granduncle my family visits once a year. The level of hierachy of the granduncles and grandaunties is rather misleading. He was 61. The story is that he had just went for a medical checkup and he was given a clean bill of health. Things were looking well, with lowered cholestrol level, yada yada, in short, he was healthy for his age. Not long after, he was out playing pool, and he didn't feel good, and passed away of an alleged heart attack.

I wasn't affected by his departure. What hit me was, how was his wife taking it? They portrayed the emotions not that of a lovey-dovey, can't live without each other kind of couple, but more of a comfort zone and support each was to the other. It left me thinking.

What happens when one's partner/significant other departs? What kind of emotions will the living partner experience? I tried to imagine myself in those shoes, it left a bitter feeling in my mouth.

Naively, or perhaps, deludingly, I've always "wanted" myself to leave before my partner and everyone close to me does. On the hindsight, it's a rather selfish thought. I didn't want to feel the sorrow, to go through the process of hurting, and being left behind, losing someone I love, I didn't want the pain and I didn't want to feel the loss.

Of course, these things aren't left to us to decide. Fortunately, or unfortunately.

2008-08-27T21:50:00.002+08:00

I'm humongously tired, and I don't know how to continue. I want to crawl into my boyfriend's arms to sleep, but, he's not here, he's...2 days away.

Here I am, doing all I can to make Friday happen, I'm working so hard to do nothing. All I want to do is sleep, laze and repeat that process till the day ends.

Today marks the day I sign on the dotted line.

No, I did not just get married. I signed up to be a member of Planet Fitness. I know it's no big deal, well, it is a BIG deal for me. Me, who never exercised, failed every single one of my NAPFA tests, has just spent $800 and committed 1 year to that club. I wonder what came over me.

I lost my train of thoughts. I'm out. Bye.

It's just about the same

2008-08-18T00:34:00.002+08:00

I like to sit alone amidst bustling crowds.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.
I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.

Posted about 2 years ago, seems to me, nothing much has changed.

The things I put myself through, and bash myself up for

2008-08-17T23:24:00.002+08:00

There are certain things I do that leave myself bewildered. Actions that repeatedly tell myself not to do, but I still do anyway, and then the vicious cycle continues, and sigh, I wonder why.

Classic example, like today, my dearest boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go watch him play soccer. The following thought process will then proceed to run through my head: I don't get to see him much, what harm would it be if I just go down to watch him play, I just want to spend time together with him.

When I'm there, we don't talk, he doesn't even look at me, I get irritated cos I go all the way there to watch him play and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence, I remind myself not to come the next time, I get even more irritated cos he's going to spend all the Sundays in the entire month of September playing soccer, which effectively leaves a couple of hours I'll see him a week, excluding half the Saturday we spend sleeping like there's no tomorrow. It probably will be even less considering the number of events I have in September.

I spend half my journey home feeling pissed cos he didn't even bother saying hi, one-quarter of it feeling worried that he's in pain, the remaining quarter thinking that since he wanted to play, he shouldn't be complaining. Following which, I send myself into the vicious cycle again, telling myself I will NOT attend any of the Sunday games cos I'd end up feeling like I wasted my time, and pissed and upset cos I'm of less importance than the idiotic ball. In the end, I get pissed at myself for knowing that ultimately, I'll still go, and that I'm unable to stick to what I initially planned to do - which is humiliatingly upsetting to come to terms with.

Most of the time, I can't decide if I'm more pissed at myself cos I would put in effort to not dress too sloppily so that he wouldn't 'lose face' in front of his colleagues. While the feelings build up, I start to feel silly for even bothering cos I'm not introduced anyway. It probably wouldn't matter if I turned up in an old, raggy t-shirt and ratty shorts. Then again, I'd be too embarrassed about myself.

Once again, I tell myself, I shall leave him alone and spend my Sunday at home in peace, and let him miss me for a little bit. Oh, shut up Sheena.

I'm out.

2008-08-06T22:34:00.012+08:00

I shall be materialistic for a little while, and indulge my bimbo alter ego for a bit.

Stacy and I were drooling over these heart-melting beauties from Tiffany's today...

Then I found this gorgeous darlings along the way....

Oh well, that's all for now while I escape my fantasies and step right back into the real world, just in time to head into lalala land. I'll never bring myself to spend that kind of money on such stuff. I know, it's not much, to some. But I just CAN"T.

I'm tired. Exhausted, mentally and physically. I suppose loving the job makes me go on without any, I mean, less complains. 6 months into it, and loving every single moment of it. The only problem, I'm losing track of my stuff, burning out, I can't write, cos I'm too tired, I need my break soon, even if it's just a day, so be it.

Why can't I get the day of LIFE's indulgences? I want.

2008-07-13T12:53:00.002+08:00

It's a disappointing fact. One not of an emotion, nor of a guess, nor of anything hypothethical. It is the blatant truth, at least what it appears to me, or rather what you display of.

No doubt, it may be the cold hard truth that we all have grown up, we've made progress in each of our own paths in life, walking further away from each other. I don't disagree. Yet, at the same time, effort is required to somehow tie and interlink each path together.

No longer are you that shoulder to lean on, that person to go to in times of need. Perhaps, priorities have changed. Perhaps, you're in your happy place you choose to void yourself of your past. It's okay, it really is. It's your choice and you have that due respect for your decision.

I don't want to have to keep chasing after your tail, or to remind you of my existence. It's your call, you'll be here cos you want to, and if you're not, at least, I know it's not cos I didn't put in my fair share. Albeit all the reasoning I try to fit into the context, they all turn out to be excuses and I don't want to have to do that just to make myself feel better anymore.

When you need me, or us, I'll still be here and I guess, so will we. It's ultimately your choice, in every turn and every bend. Here's wishing you all the best, from the bottomest of my heart, wherever I am, and wherever you go.

My magic carpet ride turned rollercoaster ride.

2008-07-08T23:00:00.003+08:00

I had a sudden realisation some time last week.

A sudden surge of determination that was propelled by the realisation that I've never regretted being with him and falling in love with him all these while. Even if sometimes it hurts so bad that it feels like a tractor ran me over, three times round. In the oddest way, it felt good, it was uplifting. It made me feel like I've gotten an answer to a persistant question in my head for which was left unanswered for the longest time.

Having this relatively powerful thought in my head made the doubts and insecurities ridiculously irrelevant. The rollercoaster ride was a test of my faith, a test of my strength, and not forgetting, a test of how much I wanted this. It was a 90 degree drop off the cliff, which then led to a rebound of the bungee rope, pushing you 90 degree up, then down the cliff, and here we go again.

Indeed, the mind is a powerful tool. A tool that can destruct or motivate you.

Not forgetting, my belief that a relationship isn't about two people was further emphasized. There are many factors, and many other stakeholders in a relationship. And, the number can increase or decrease depending on how many you allow in. It is a choice. Yet, at the same time, it's a choice that often, you have little or no control over.

Circumstances and changes vary in a relationship, making it the only constant. How true, and how oxymoronic. I don't expect everything to remain the same in a relationship. Coming to think about it, it'll be rather boring if they do. Things change, environment change, people change, people that affect us change, situations change, feelings change, mindsets change, authority changes, there are too many things that can change and different combinations spell a different outcome altogether.

To a certain extent, at least in my view, a couple should be each other's pillar of support, with only one main pillar at a time. They each take turns to lean on each other, to be the stronger one in the relationship. When things change, both are affected, whether they like it a not. They are separate yet correlated entities. It isn't easy to be able to trust and let yourself go entirely to lean on that someone, which is even more so if you have been disappointed before. It's a game of trust. You have to learn to trust your partner enough to completely let him/her catch you when you fall. And your partner has to know and work together with you to know when you are falling and you need someone to be there.

Perhaps, it requires practice. I beg to differ, not entirely, but it's not as simple. It takes practice, effort, and faith. The outcome wouldn't be the same if one gives trust completely and falls, trusting that the partner will catch him/her, yet the partner doesn't put in the effort to work with you to time the catch. You fall flat, and you fall hard.

I've learned once again, to take myself out of the relationship once in awhile, and to not blame him for everything. At times when you're seeing yourself as someone else, you can learn a lot more about yourself and it could mean that you learn that you are quite a bitch.

2008-06-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

It was a really bad two weeks, those who know knows, how bad it was. I was literally clinging onto every single bit of support I had.

Within the span of the 2 weeks, I drifted from being in self-denial to resentment, from resentment to realization, with the countless breakdowns in between. When the realization set in, the waiting was too much to bear. I'm glad the agony is over, and here comes the sunshine after the rain, sheltered by lots of hard work ahead.

As much as I'd like to think so, I haven't been a good partner, let alone, the best partner. It wasn't a case of insufficient effort, or anything along the likes, but I discovered how easy it was to take things for granted. Not intentionally of course, I've always felt that I wouldn't fall trap to that phase, that I cherish every moment of it.

In fact, I do. I cherish and treasure every moment of it, but at the same time, I had been selfish and inconsiderate. No matter how much you want to be caring and giving, it doesn't equate to truly caring and giving.

He makes me happy.

However, every time we have a disgreement or spat over something, I'd keep my feelings inside, cos things would be well and I didn't want to risk it and receive some adverse reactions. Coupled with how easy it was for me to get over it, I usually let it die down and sizzle out.

I got used to it, and I stopped talking to him. I don't mean silence, but not sharing. I was starting to take it for granted that he had to know what was going on in my head. I expected him to know, and when he didn't, I got upset, but I wouldn't share, and the vicious cycle goes on and on. Thing is, every time he didn't understand what was going on inside my head, I was building up blame inside me. Blame turned to resentment, which turned to unhappiness. I didn't understand why he was feeling what he was feeling. I shut him out first, yet I expect him to know what I wanted. I became so emotionally demanding of him, without realizing it.

What a bitch of a girlfriend I was.

When what happened happened, I was torn. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying, my work was going hell, even colleagues were asking if I was fine. Truth is, I wasn't. But I couldn't let it go on like that. For the first time in my life, I'm in a happy position at work, and I'm loving everything, every bit of stress, every frustration, every complain, every single part of it. I cannot afford to let it go down the drain. I took the silence of his more seriously than I should, I became incredibly over-sensitive.

His words were daggers that drove straight into my heart, his actions (or rather, lack of it) were 30kg weights on my shoulders. Every tiny action of his drove me crazy, left my brain in a wreck and my eyes all red and swollen. Even normal actions suddenly sparked crazy ideas in my head. I was driving myself crazy. Until I took myself out of my shell and stepped into his did I see how it was. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to turn back time, if I could.

This is where, the waiting can kill.

I knew I wanted to be there for him, no doubt bout that. Yet at the same time, I knew in order to be truly there for him, I had to let all my negativities out before I could give. The 3 days were a pain, it was a slow death. It wasn't easy for me to let it out to him finally. Tears flowed, I guess more as a relief than anything else. I could only hope that he would take it the right way and that it doesn't backfire on me.

2 days after the "ordeal", I'm glad I mustered the courage to let it out. I'm glad I realized what I realized, from now on, it's time to learn from past mistakes. I'm ready to give and take, and it feels good.

I'm back in my happy place. ;>

2008-05-19T23:52:00.003+08:00

I feel perturbed.

It really is an odd feeling, one of being in the middle of being relieved, and disturbed at the same time. I take pride in giving my best in almost every single relationship I've had, save for the one mistake that never should have begun. I believe that's the way to go, what's the point in holding back and treating the relationship like a strategic game, one in which I've never been good at anyway.

Relationships to me are meant to be.....a sheltered playground. A place or even, a comfort zone if you like, that I can go to when I'm feeling happy or sad. It's a emotional and mental destination, it's an assurance that things are fine, it's a arm to hold on to in a crowd of strangers. It's a hug in a storm, and a ray of sunshine on a freezing morning, all in one. It can be so bitter at times, but it's still ironically addictive, and the only other thing that keeps you sane and insane.

Peel away this layer of dreamy fantasy, I do know that's not how relationships always are. In between each hug, each kiss, each smile, there's a tear-jerking moment, many doubts, a handful of fights peppering the journey. It's also a race and a battle to hold on to our true selves, keeping the simple belief and faith of love amidst the practical burdens we bind ourselves to.

It's been..... quite a ride.

Things have changed, like we all expect it to, the only constant that will remain. Gone are the silly grins and countless messages. The relationship has set in, so has the obstacles and all. I am still in love but yes, I have my doubts too. Perhaps, being too supportive and caring, can be a flaw and a burden on someone.

Like I've said, and stand true to it, I don't need my guy try his best to keep things the way they were. He should only feel bad if he hasn't put in effort at all. With thoughts racing through my mind faster than I can consolidate and type, I seem to begin to falter.

I need a sign, or rather, I need the assurance.

2008-05-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

I used to not be able to eat alone, I thought it was something crazy and no way was I going to do that, or rather, no way was I able to do that. I moved on to eating alone at fast food places, McDees became my favourite haunt during exam periods. Nonetheless, I maintained not being able to dine alone in food courts, or hawker centres, where better food could be found at a price less of a burden on my pocket. Now, I find myself looking forward to eating alone, where I don't have to compromise with others what to eat, or compromise my pocket as a result of someone else's craves or ridiculous budgets for a meal. I'm not turning into a hermit crab, I just enjoy that once in awhile, when I've had a long, hard day and I just want to find time to catch my thoughts and breathe a little slower. In ways more than one, I find it amusingly therapeutic and calming amidst the chaos and clanking of pots and pans.

2008-04-21T22:46:00.003+08:00

It's tough illustrating how much I want to help you and ease the weight on your shoulders. It is frustrating, it is heart wrenching, I really wish I can do more, but this is as far as I can go - to just be there, to support, to soothe, to listen, to understand and to encourage, with no indication whether it's what you need, or what you want, or if it's sufficient.

If bringing dinner to you can help even a teenie weenie bit, I'll do it, every single day.

If accompanying you home even just for a distance would help, I'd do it, every single day.

I often wish, you could come home to me, so I can listen to your woes and assure you things will be fine, so you won't have to travel the distance just to take a rest.

I often wish, my actions, my hugs, my touches could heal, but they can't, that I'm sure. I can't help in a big way, that I know for sure, I don't need you to tell me that. Anything remotely significant or that would make a difference, even if it brings a smile to your face for a minute, I'll try.

I'm not hoping to do something big and changing, but I honestly hope, the many little things could somewhat, somehow, make things seem better, let you know that there's always a shelter away from the storm.

I'd bring you there and stay there with you, for as long as we can.

I want a magic wand, a special power, or simply, a smile to make everything seem to be right. Facing reality, I have none of the above and it pains to see what you're going through.

I'm getting irritated at myself for repeating the same old stuff again and again, about wanting you to be happy, and letting you know I'm here. But that's what I really want to say, and I mean it all.

I'm here if you need a hug, or just a listening ear.

It's been close to a year now, everything happened so fast, yet so slow, yet it seemed like it only happened a couple of weeks ago. Is it a dream, or is it my fairytale come true?

Maybe it's a test, for you, for me, and for us. It is trying, but it makes the happy hours so much more precious.

2008-04-01T00:01:00.004+08:00

No, I haven't forgotten. Not quite yet, and I doubt I will. Ever.

The assumptions, accusations and mistrusts are constantly on my mind. If anything, it's been magnified, more than ever and ever.

I can fake a smile in front of you, I can choose to ignore, I can be as superficial about this as I need to. I'll never forget, I'll never let myself forget. Yet, one thing I can never do, is pretend none of this has ever happened before.

No, I can't and I won't.

The year in review

2007-12-31T02:10:00.000+08:00

Well, it's the time of the year again, when resolutions are set, when we all look back and sigh in happiness, or regrets, yadah yadah yadah...

Looking back, while cringing with the cliche-ness of it all, it's been a rather eventful year, or did I say the same thing last year? Oh wells.

I job-hopped, I went in and out of relationship and into another, I spent a good 6 months totally devoted to myself, and now, I'm stepping into the new year entirely unexpectedly.....jobless but happy, worried and in debt. Yes, I haven't paid my school fees.

First things first, I am happy, happy as a la la la lark. I have the sucky times too, but I'm still happy. Contradicting as it seems, its a kind of feeling that makes me feel all fuzzy and soft on the inside. I know I'm happy cos I can throw my head back and laugh loudly, without having to catch myself in time to worry about how stupid I look, my nails aren't nicely manicured, my hair isn't perfect, I still look horrible in pictures, I'm not thin enough, my eyes aren't big enough, my teeth aren't straight, bottomline is, I am contented, except for the jobless part.

I think I'm losing my point here.

We all have different expectations of ourselves, our lives, our friends, every single person around us. How we should behave, how they should behave, how we should be treated, how they should be treated. How things are going in my life may not be accepted by anyone else, but to reassure all, I am happy and I'm happier when I see everyone else being happy.

We all need happy fins, or tons of chocolate for that matter.

I love my man. I love my friends. It's amazing how my friends and his friends can all go out together, something I never dared to imagine happening. But it is so, right in front of my very eyes. I see everyone laughing together, spending X'mas together, and I just want to sigh and be embraced by all the love in the air.

If you're happy and you know it, you clap your hands. It's a simple kind of happiness and contentment. Simple and nice. I crave for simplicity and embrace simple satisfaction. I wish all joy and happiness, peace and love in the new year ahead.

What's yours will be yours, things happen for a reason, you may not see it this year, but you will in due course.

I love all of you my lovelies, and not forgetting, I love you precious, thanks for everything and everything.

Cheers to a spankin' good 2008!

19.11.2007

2007-11-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

It’s down to the split of the crossroads again.

Even my mind and heart is split into so many different directions – one part of me simply wants to throw in the towel and take a break before saying hi again to the hustle and bustle of the business politics once again.

The other part is a non-stop flashing reminder that there’s not much time left for the job hunt so as to keep my finances in a steady flow.

It’s down to the point of the year, or rather, one of the many points of the year when I am drained mentally. This verge of mental breakdown is happening more and more frequently – the feeling of being entirely squeezed dry.

Before I started school, I was very sure I could handle it.

I am still surviving every semester, still managing a couple of distinctions (read: a COUPLE), but it seems like school’s never going to end. I started in August 2006 and most likely, it’ll stretch till end 2008 – approximately 2 years to get a degree isn’t too bad I guess, though I’d like and want it to end soon.

Not only will it put a stop to the financial woes, I’ll have more time to myself, more time for me to do other stuff.

I don’t have any regrets doing this degree, and I will definitely complete it no matter what it takes, or how long it takes. It’s a personal goal, it’s a commitment I set myself to, and I’m not going to let it pull me down.

Yet, it is affecting me. My memory is dwindling with my mind cramped with so much stuff. My sleep is occupied with thoughts of work, and I feel like I haven’t slept in years.

I’m fat – I attribute that to lack of sleep and the need for food to assist the overworking of the brain, it doesn’t help much that I belong to a carnivorous department that practically eats 5 meals a day, this also attributes to my sudden reduction in wallet size.

To go to class at least twice a week to get mindraped after work simply isn’t a pleasant sight. How many times have my classmates commented I look really tired and stressed? Countless. Having said that, there has also been too many times I’ve dropped the idea of going to class just cos I was either too mentally tired to go there and attempt to absorb any more of those theories and what’s not, or I was simply too physically exhausted traveling up and down half of Singapore.

I’ve been feeling like I can’t give my best to both work and school and it’s putting me in a dilemma – to continue in a full time job and part time studies, like what I’m doing now, a job that’s more fulfilling, or get a monotonous, literally 9 – 6, leave on the dot kind of job where I can put in less energy in work and put more into my school and myself.

Frankly, I don’t want to miss out on the practical job experience, especially in such an industry where experience counts for so much more. But in exchange for that, I’d have to sacrifice my school and sleep time.

I haven’t had the energy to sit down and watch a television program, or read a book in ages.

At the same time, give me a monotonous data entry job and 3 months down the line, I’ll probably bore myself to death.

I don’t like the feeling of not being able to perform to what I know I can do. I know I can do much more than what I am doing now, both at work and in school, I just don’t have the energy to do more.

I still want to hit the goal we set that was supposed to be reached when I hit 25, even if it seems really far off now.

I still want to do what I’ve set out to do.

No doubt, I am contented. For the chances I’ve got, thankful for everything so far. It’s just these nitty gritty stuff that accumulates into an avalanche that’s swallowing me whole right now.

I don’t think I ask for much, just a nice stable yet interesting job, with nice colleagues, a nice paycheck that gives me the ability to spend comfortably, a place I spend most of days where I wouldn’t dread going to everyday, a desk where I can happily decorate the way I want it, without having to stop and think if I’ll be there for long.

Perhaps, like how Ling says, “还没尝到甜味，就先苦死”

Nonetheless, it is an uphill battle, and it is MY battle. I may just die in the process, most likely not, but I may just drive myself insane.

Right now, at this very moment, while grumbling about all these in the office at 7 pm with 1.5 hours OT time, all I feel like doing is go to my baby, give him a big hug for the great work he’s done, snuggle up and watch some funny comedy, laugh my head off and fall asleep in his arms, without having to worry about me or him having to wake up for work on time tomorrow.

It’s been said it’ll be a good year for those born in the year of the Ox in 2008.

I wish.

2007-11-18T13:19:00.000+08:00

I've gotten so used to rolling stuff about in my head until I feel like my head weighs 84641354 kg and it's gonna drop off any time soon, I don't know how to write down my thoughts anymore.

With a thousand and one things running through my head, the old me would have ranted on and on, be it the old school pen and paper way, or just tapping on the keyboard just the way I am. I've been staring at the screen for half an hour now, trying to consolidate the runaway pieces of thoughts, but, it's about as messed up as my room is now.

Same old stuff, same old laments, just different day, different impact.

I'll hold my peace, for now, till then. It is all still getting to me, drilling slowly but surely into my head, I just pretend.

My little piece of borrowed joy.

2007-10-07T17:01:00.000+08:00

Since donkey years ago, I've always wanted a dog of my own. It's a way deeply buried wish which I know will not come true living in this house. But, it's well buried, so no worries. Just a pang of jealousy escapes every now and then, but I'm satisfied with some borrowed joy.

Utterly adorable, ain't he?

Yes, I'm still talking about the dog. :P

2007-09-12T23:46:00.000+08:00

That's right, we chose them for a reason only we can see.

I chose you for many things others can't see, for many things loveable, for many things simple, for many things heartfelt, for many things only I feel, for many things I feel for, for many things I hurt for.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I stand true to it, and I cross my fingers and heart, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger too.

It's still a 24/7 passion.

2007-09-01T02:10:00.000+08:00

"A rubber band once stretched, will never regain its original proportions. Likewise for one's mind."

There are some things that can't be stretched. You can try. Just be prepared for the snap.

I often find myself telling others to be strong, that things will always find a way to work themselves right. That's what I constantly remind myself too. Even if they don't turn out right, I'll make sure it does, to the best of my abilities. Every single time I tell someone to be strong, I have to tell myself to be four times stronger. Only then, I can safely remind them to be strong, cos I can be sure that I am able to be there to catch anything that falls.

My memory is failing me, honestly. It's getting harder and harder for me to remember things. Not the short term memory loss like, after a while I'll recall it kind of memory failure. Instead, horrifyingly, it's like someone just went on a cleaning frenzy in my head. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't think right. But it's fine. I make do.

I try my best to start my day and everyone else's day around me positively. Brushing away any negative comments that come my way. It gets harder at times, especially when you're trying so hard to crawl out from under that insane amount of reports you have to send all over the world.

A lesson I learnt, or rather, something that I already know and I'm trying to drill into the thick skull of mine, is to never ever let my guard down.

I cannot ever catch myself thinking..."How nice, everything's all fine and dandy. Everyone around me is safe and happy." The next thing I know, something will, definitely, fall out of place and I cannot let that happen, especially to people I love.

Too many things have happened over the week to prove this point. I'm determined not to reach the point of being complacent and satisfied when everything goes on well.

I am my worst critic, I'm sorry.

Right now, I don't need anything else except 48 hours in a day. Or just let me fall.

Grease.

2007-08-26T13:17:00.000+08:00

I love musicals. Absolutely do. I loved Chicago. Then there was Phantom of the Opera. Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Of course, who could forget Blades, our very own Sandy aka dear Christina Tong Szee Chia.

I have one musical, my all-time favourite. I've caught it countless times, the songs still make me swoon, I still crave to watch it. Ignoring the comparison of John Travolta's fat image now to then, of course.

Grease.

With zero recollections who, how, where got me totally won over with this timeless classic, I just feel the sudden urge to get my hands on it.

2007-08-12T09:41:00.000+08:00

There are some things said that can never be unsaid, whether you mean it a not, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just doesn't work that way.

Like the time...

She said I stole $5 from her.

She said I was going out to seduce men.

She said I was out gallivanting.

He said he agreed with me and that I was right, but I've to listen to her solely cos she's who she is.

Or the many times she implied I depended on men for money.

She said I was dumb.

She said she doesn't trust me.

Albeit history, these words flash past my eyes every single time I see her. The countless times that she said she don't mean it the way she said doesn't make a least bit difference. What's said cannot be unsaid.

New phrases of such can be said, they no longer hurt as much. When put together, the words actually have a numbing effect. It doesn't change things, it just makes me immune and oblivious to the harsh, insulting attacks.

It's like, how I accidentally lunged my thumb into a pot of hot boiling oil while cooking some years back. Possibly more than a decade ago. It doesn't put me off cooking, but it hurt so bad, I'll never forget. It did take a quite some time for me to start using that pot again.

I don't forget. I simply get over the hurting.

2007-08-11T12:38:00.000+08:00

When tear glands and all else fails, make the best out of every situation.

I'm not blessed with active tear glands. Even at the point when I really feel like it, it's hard for me to do so. Only to the point when certain limits are reached.

I don't know what to say, cos I'm over it. He's not, and I have no idea how long this will be. I'm reaching my wits end.

Somebody tell me what to do. Seriously. I have no freaking idea and its driving me insane. Every single thing I do, I get a hurting comment. When I say it hurts, it really does and I do not like being treated like that.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Our very first trip.

2007-07-29T10:02:00.000+08:00

KL couldn't have been finer. The shopping wasn't too great, the food's fantastic, most of it all, the company was fantastically and absolutely fabulous! I had so much fun and laughters, I think my jaw almost dislocated. Not forgetting, it almost became a case of murder.

We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.

Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.

Staying right next to Hard Rock Cafe KL, we couldn't have missed a nice dinner there! A nice dinner it was..in fact, it was so good, we couldn't stand straight after dinner. The portions were so huge, the man was so insistent that they made a mistake with our order and decided to give us both the right order and the wrong order together!

I enjoyed myself thoroughly, it was a really good break, now I have one day to mentally prepare myself to get back to the work momentum, which I can't help but sigh. Next up's the BBQ and the chalet.

I'm a happy, happy girl!

2007-07-25T00:36:00.000+08:00

We all have our past, right doings and wrong doings alike, they make us the person we are now. At least for me. I am the person I am, I think the way I think now, I behave the way I behave now, I believe what I believe now, cos of how my past has moulded me to become.

Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.

Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.

I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.

For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?

Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.

Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.

2007-07-22T16:56:00.000+08:00

Before it slips my mind, congratulations my dear! I knew you could do it! Now you can buy us presents from all over the whole wide world! My girls make me beam with pride.

Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.

It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...

2007-07-22T11:58:00.000+08:00

A fact staring straight right at my face, that I simply refuse to acknowledge, out of denial, out of despair.

When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.

I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.

It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.

The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.

Goodbye.

2007-07-05T14:02:00.000+08:00

Goodbye.

Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...

We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.

2007-07-05T11:21:00.000+08:00

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"

This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.

Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.

2007-06-29T20:54:00.000+08:00

My new lurve. My new bliss.

Meiji Strawberry Chocolates.

2007-06-27T16:50:00.001+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

A moment, like this.

2007-06-27T12:20:00.000+08:00

"What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling, we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you, love has come here and now

A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh, I can't believe its happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender, I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming, but till I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love we share"

you.

2007-06-27T09:23:00.000+08:00

The night your network was down, you left me a voice message. I love the way you say "Baby I love you", and I'm listening to it all I can before they delete it off.

The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.

Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.

Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.

I love you.

despair.

2007-06-27T09:15:00.000+08:00

Came back to realise my dad wasn't home, a scene pretty much unseen, the only information my brother could feed me was that he went out to do something. How typical of him. I guessed something happened to her, what else could have got my dad to go out at that time?

She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.

Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.

Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.

PMS-ing

2007-06-26T13:40:00.000+08:00

It has to be pms setting in, when tears roll uncontrollably at a song that means nothing and is of no relevance to you.

It must be.

Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.

There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.

A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.

2007-06-25T12:13:00.000+08:00

I need sleeping pills now. Right now.

I'm afraid of going back there, back to where I was trying so hard to stay out. Karma it seems. Terrified in fact. I just want to close my eyes, and work on keeping my mind blank. It's going to take all I have inside of me, to do just that.

Then again, how much do I have left inside of me?

Rendered stupid.

2007-06-25T03:34:00.000+08:00

I like it late at night when its all quiet. That's when I can really stop my tracks and digest everything, make sense out of everything. It's a pity that the night's so short. Perhaps, that's why my mind is doesn't stop when I sleep, I fall asleep before I round up my thoughts.

I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.

Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.

Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?

Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.

I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.

On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?

I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.

shut.

2007-06-21T16:26:00.000+08:00

All too familiar for comfort
Flashing repetitions of a closed chapter
All too close, too much in parallel
The lines start to blur, to fade

The fence starts to creak
The eyes glowing and wide
So clear and unknowingly moist
The child prances, with a threatening grace

Shutting the light out
Bring in the darkness, with open arms
That thick cloak that protects
That wraps the child and hides

Pretend they aren't there
Soon the child will believe the subtle pretense
Just a matter of time and will
It's a cry for aid, beyond whim and control

2007-06-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

Back to reality, my mind's back to normal. Seems like we've got the same problem Chriz. My mind is racing with thoughts I can't keep up with, I can't string them together to make sense out of them. I know I am tired, there's this physical and mental weariness buried deep inside somewhere that I know I can't rid. No biggie, haven't we all learnt that sleep can never be replenished? I haven't done anything today that justifies the chaos in my mind.

Difference is, I don't have a list of things I want to own before I turn 30.

People do change, whether it's for a reason, or otherwise, it's not too valid an excuse, or much less a reason for now. Disappointments have long been an understatement, a phase we've all gotten past. No longer do I see the need to cover your tracks with excuses, to cement the blind faith we had in you. Actions that proved us wrong, that what is hoped, isn't always what is truth.

The very thing I learnt today rendered me speechless. Stronger emotions would have bubbled up in the past, not now, not anymore. Somehow, along this path, disappointment has become a prerequisite, and it's all expected. Ironic.

Just letting it all happen, and taking it all in. I'd still be here, we'd still be here, it'll just be hopes and expectations absenting themselves.

Okay, the new show on television is creating havoc in my mind and churning the contents of my dinner out of my stomach. Good night. I need to find some knitting or gardening to do to ease my tormented mind.

Our escape, revived.

2007-06-20T20:08:00.000+08:00

It's been a really good 3 days - a long overdue break. It felt totally like I was in a separate world, cut off from reality, the only focus is to relax and enjoy.

Rejuvenating, with my mind finally at peace. It's so much easier to fall asleep now, perhaps it helps that I've him beside me. The escape though shortlived, it's etched deep inside my mind, in a place so precious.

The laughters were great, though the jokes were on me, the TLC ever so welcomed, thanks my dear, hope you had as much fun as I did.

2007-06-17T15:46:00.000+08:00

I'm starting my crawl uphill again.

3 days of leave, 3 days in paradise, 3 days of pure joy, 3 days... I'm more than contented. The icing on the cake.

What more can I ask for?

2007-06-14T16:07:00.002+08:00

Being burnt out doesn't feel good. I'm so looking forward to being alive again. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass these days.

I seem to have lost control over my functionality. The days too short, the nights, even shorter.

2007-06-13T11:07:00.000+08:00

Can time just stop?

Please just stop.

2007-06-12T13:07:00.000+08:00

I realised my dreams these days consists mainly of activities that I've been wanting to do, yet I simply don't have the time to go about doing.

My wakeboarding getaways..

My aimless walks....

My shopping sprees...

My chillout sessions....

My studying...

Something just isn't right. Not to mention the many horrible dreams. My mind is just overworked, as usual. I'm in the process of frying my own brains. One fine day, my brain might just sizzle and give up on me.

I need to free up some space for my exam. Once it's done, I'll shut off my brain and let it rest.

2007-06-12T09:38:00.000+08:00

My dad has a habit of telling me the worst news at the worst possible times. Like this morning, I was rushing like some mad woman all over the house, and he stopped me in my tracks just before I stepped into the shower.

"Be mentally prepared, she's going to go anytime soon."

I can't just simply shut him off and continue with what I was doing, yet I needed to rush. Hence, I had to stop there standing at the doorway of my bathroom, listening to what he had to say.

For the last couple of months, since last year, the frequency of visits to the hospital has been far from comfortable. In recent months, they became a monthly affair. We all know she's suffering, it doesn't help that she can't voice it out, or even hear anyone of us talking.

She's strong, very strong, having to bring up 7 children (a couple more I think, even my dad has never met) on her own, technically, cos my grandad was never around. As the story goes, she had to peel onions to earn the extra money, yada yada...

Her children have all grown up, some already grandparents, my cousin just gave birth the day before, what we can't fathom, is what she's holding on to. Ever since the countless admissions to the hospital, I've stopped trusting the doctors.

With the many medical complications she has now, she's barely hanging by a thread. There's nothing anyone can do, not even the doctors. We're all just simply waiting for that phonecall.

Although when the time comes, sadness will definitely be in the air, but more towards a huge sense of relief.

I'd miss you, trying so hard to talk to us at chinese new year gatherings, times when we can only smile and nod, not being able to answer, even after so many years.

Back to a much lighter topic, Saturday was Juan's birthday celebration at Chevrons.

I know I'm red, I went there from sentosa, I wasn't drunk! I'm really sorry I had to leave early though.

2007-06-10T10:22:00.000+08:00

When reality doesn't appear, there's still a small bubble of hope that things has never really changed that much and we're all still what we were, only in different paths, different situations, but we're still all of what we used to be.

I can see it the way I like it to be, anticipate the moments, basically, if I don't think about it, time just stopped where it was all pretty and gleeful.

Now when reality hits and sets right in, the bubble has burst and it slaps me in the face twice as hard. It's never going to go back to how it was like.

I still love you, but somehow our paths are just moving further and further away. Maybe it's just me.

warm and fuzzy

2007-06-07T14:27:00.000+08:00

I'm craving for that escape, so bad.

It's such a warm and fuzzy feeling when my friends and my guy's friends can all click and we can go out and chill together. Something I've always wanted, but never been able to establish. I love the feeling, loads.

Spent a couple of minutes looking through old photos with Ling, goodness me, we used to be sweet young things! I mean, yes definitely, without a doubt, we still are, but the difference is appalling.

As Evie's song used to go,
"I love you, you love me, we are happy family, I eat maggie you eat mee, together we eat maggie mee!"

2007-06-06T12:02:00.000+08:00

It feels like I have a million rants, a thousand words, a hundred rambles, but I can only stare blankly at the screen. My mind feels all tangled, like the flow of thoughts aren't smooth anymore.

Thoughts come through in pieces, with the constant inability to consolidate and focus. Lamenting "I am tired" has become such an understatement, at this very moment. I feel stuffed, like I've been overfed with information, exactly how I feel after each media planning class. Mindraped, that's what we say, when the unconsensual act of forcing information into our brains is performed. The only difference, it's become a daily event now.

It's just work. Nonetheless, my job and my responsibility. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and suffocating.

It'll get better after today, when everything will be back under control, instead of being puppeted by the schedules of these journalists, media, and the oh so mighty people sitting in big chairs.

Soon, I'll be able to breathe normally again. I still need my break though, the one we've both been looking forward to, though it just seems to take forever to come, but, the mere anticipation of it will suffice for now, to keep me adrift.

I feel like an absolute whining bitch.

Thank you, for being patient and just for being there baby.

My runway, my guiding lights.

2007-06-03T12:03:00.000+08:00

Friends to me, have been brought up to a whole new level after the termination of my past 2, or 3 relationships. They've meant the world to me, they still do, no doubt, and I've always tried my best to be there for every single one of them, in any way I could.

I'm talking about people who stood by me, stood by each other for so many years, we've seen each other go through the ups, the downs, the exhilarations, the agonizing, the anxieties, the worries, the uncertainties, the bliss, the list goes on and adds on every day.

We've stepped into different phases of life together, with more to come, every single one of us has changed in more ways than one. I'm so proud to call these girls, mine. Proud of the ladies we've all become, proud of the people we aspire to be, proud of what we've done to get us to what we are at this very moment.

A long and winding road still lies ahead, one that hopefully, we will walk down together. Witnessing the additions, we've lost a few, gained a few, when my girls are happy, I'm happy, and my mind can rest.

Events of late have left me in a state of imcomprehension. When friendship is put to test, does friendship or strictly speaking, the quest of one's love reign?

I shan't go into the topic of the quest of one's love, there's too much to cover, with no absolutes, just hypothetical questions and assumed scenarios. It encases too many boundaries, beliefs, principles and after all, it is still a very subjective mindset of every individual.

Opinions and advices of friends have always been of utmost appreciation to me, whether positive or negative. These are words of gold that only true friends will deliver, simply because they care. If they don't, why would they even be bothered with you?

This unmistakable act of concern however, is often misinterpreted and either fall on deaf ears, or brushed off. Having been on both sides of the fences of receiving and dishing out opinions and advices, this is one gesture of friendship that means loads to me.

Being on the giving end, I would want the very best for you as my friend, that's why I'd be telling or reminding you something I want you to know. I don't need that gesture to be reciprocated, good if it was appreciated, I'd just like for you to roll that idea in your head and judge for yourself what's applicable and what's good for you. It's ultimately your call, your road to take, you walk your own talk. Not me.

If it's of a certain significance, I may mention it more than once, and if I see that you don't find it an issue, I'll shut up. That's all to it.

On the other side of the fence, many a times, I don't see what others may see, I may be too involved in the minute details that I may overlook the whole picture and misjudge the whole situation. At such times, I need and appreciate if my friends point that out to me, or simply a word of mention to bring me back to the right path magnifies how much my friends care, and that I am still in their line of vision.

Close friends would know I appreciate and dig out their opinions and views very often on many different areas. I need my friends to keep me on the right track and likewise, I want to do the very same for them.

Undeniably, my words have been snubbed out, at times aplenty. There's only so much a friend can do, there's only so much I can do for my friends, there's only so much they can do for me. When it all comes down to it, I want each and every single one of them to be happy, in all aspects possible.

To a certain extent, I do feel partly responsible for what happened, things may be fine if I had just stepped out. Contradictory, I don't have any regrets of the actions as a whole, only the constant mental debate on whether the right moves were made, whether I could have handled the closure better.

Well, events have been more or less put into place, the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit in, as the bigger picture starts to show. When one person sees that you have a problem, it may be an indivdual biased opinion, when two or three, or more people identifies the same problem, please, wake up your ideas and do something about it. If you don't, stop blaming the whole world for it, except yourself.

You are responsible for yourself at this juncture, not your family, nor your friends. They are merely guiding lights on the runway, at the end of it, whether you take off, or crash nose first, it is you, and how much you are willing to do and clear headed to do, to ensure that final glory.

My magic carpet ride.

2007-06-02T17:16:00.000+08:00

When everything is too good to be true, instead of enjoying the ride, taking in the sights, perhaps, simply loving the experience, one can't help but worry about losing the pure simplicity of the experience.

The beauty of it all seems to start weighing down and self doubt sets in, "What exactly did I do to deserve all this?"

A couple that laughs together and goes through storms together, stay together. The ride can never be too smooth sailing, neither can it be too choppy. All I want to do now, is to push the uncertainties, the insecurities, the worries, and all things negative back to the back of my mind and simply, to enjoy the whole magic carpet ride that belongs to us. No doubt, the negativities are still niggering, the practicalities still hovering, right now, the focus is on taking it all in.

I am happy, the 1000001th time I'm saying this, and I truly mean it. It feels like a motivational force pushing me from the back to want and do my best to iron the creases out, to cut through the clutter, to break through monotony, to make my world perfect, in our eyes. Not only is the outcome a key, the process is inviting and challenging too.

Definitely, who wouldn't wish that life was a bed of roses? A rose, by any other name would smell as sweet. I want mine to be a bed of calla lillies, one that we painstakingly grow ourselves, and be able to stand hand in hand to see it all bloom. (Figure of speech, people, I have zero idea how to plant a calla lilly. )

On second thoughts, life is a bed of roses, the journey from the bottom of it to the top of the gorgeous bloom. You just have to get through the thorns to get there. If this is the case, make the end of my journey, a black rose.

It's a ride I'm looking forward to, with all my heart, filled with eagerness, anxiety, enthusiasm, love, laughter, speckled with challenges that toughen us and bonds us further, dusted with lots of understanding, respect and trust.

This is what I call, my sweetest dreams are made of these. Right next to you, is where I really want to be.

2007-05-17T20:12:00.000+08:00

It's been really good so far, the kind that sends tingles up my spine and down to my toes once again. Simple the way I've always been craving for, back to the bare necessities that we were born to seek satisfaction for.

A sense of belonging, a sense of assurance, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a hug when needed, a smile and a peck on the lips and tons of cuddles, it's finally all settling in. A little fuzzy at times, a little scary, a little freaky, very much heartwarming, very much blissful and definitely lots of smiles and laughters.

Time is never on our side, a sigh that means so much. It's just a tiny obstacle, we'll leap over it, we'll manouver round it, however we go about it, it's really nothing significant.

Concerns have been ironed out, issues straightened out, worries a little overwhelming though.

As beautiful the days ahead seem, there's always a tiny dark corner inside, pleading to be forgotten. I just don't want history to repeat.

That's just a teenie weenie shadow somewhere. The sun is still really bright and sunny.

2007-05-12T10:49:00.000+08:00

Exactly one year ago, I was struggling with a horrible break up, was totally down in the dumps, emotionally.

Exactly one year later, I'm happy, indescribable happy.

Sometimes you just have to hit the all time low, to bounce back up. A sudden reminder of what Jasmine said that one year ago, "You have to lose something in order to gain something."

I've gained so much more ever since then, I am my own person now, not emotionally dependent on someone who's not always there. Bringing these lessons learnt with me, its now a whole new experience and something I've never imagined possible.

It still hasn't sunk it entirely yet, its so real, yet so fuzzy, so natural, yet so restricted in more ways than one. But it's fine, really. It hasn't been long, but the duration doesn't constitute to knowing someone, does it?

It's been an amazing ride so far, and I do hope I complement you like how you do so for me.

I just can't stop smiling inside...

2007-05-09T13:14:00.000+08:00

It's not easy when you hear someone say horrible, horrible things about you that ain't true.

But it's 10 times harder when you hear someone say really mean things about the people you love and care about.

The worst thing, you can't do anything about it. Nothing.

Every single thing said feels like a stab right through. It hurts so bad, so bad you wished it was all a dream, that you can turn back the clock to undo it all. When it really comes down to it, I know I'm much stronger than this.

I've been through worse, this is going to be over soon.

2007-05-08T13:38:00.000+08:00

Words can't kill.

2007-05-08T10:28:00.000+08:00

At times, when a relationship go downhill, is there a perfect timing to end it, or a perfect scenario, or a perfect mode of delivery to inflict the least amount of pain?

Unfortunately not.

In personality tests I did in the past, to the question "What would you do when you start to realise there's a problem in the relationship?", my answer would always be, stick it out and try to work it out.

That was before I was attached of course.

Now, I've come to realise, that there's never an absolute direction to head, or a definite route to follow. The destination is clear, but en route that, the angel and the devil in me fight it out. It's never easy, and no matter what, its an end to something I started, albeit the fact that it was a mistake, it was MY mistake and I let it happen.

It's something I have to do, for him and for myself. I don't blame him for whatever's coming or has come, no matter how things turn out in the end, whether we can still be friends, its no one's fault but mine, for letting a mistake happen.

Heartfelt words he'll never get to see or hear about, it probably doesn't matter cos I've become the worst in his eyes. But, if that makes him feel better, so be it.

I wish you love, and all things nice. You'll find that one person I never can become, and hopefully, she'll make you the best you can ever be. Like you said, "life goes on...", in your world and the one I call my own.

2007-05-07T13:53:00.000+08:00

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

I do not eat egg yolks, I usually eat my way around them.

I like to go all the way to the airport just to find a corner to read. Yes, I live in Jurong.

I do not drink milk, I just can't stand the smell of it.

When I'm superly duperly stressed, I talk to myself, or in events like my computer is acting up on me in stressful situations, I talk to the PC.

I really love notebooks, all kinds. But if they're too pretty, I'd be too worried about ruining them.

I like flowers as they are, but I do not like receiving them. I have no idea why. Really.

I secretly wish to travel around the world alone.

Most would know that I often say I don't have a childhood. Few would know I really don't have one. I spent my days cooped up at home in front of the television, cos I couldn't go anywhere.

I cannot sleep without my blanket, and covered from neck to toe.

I can eat ice cream for breakfast.

You're tagged!

Elaine
Lynne
Maymay
Farena
Ling

Or anyone else for that matter! Have fun!

Angels or Devils?

2007-05-02T12:45:00.000+08:00

I know I have blogged about this before, and yet, I'm still stuck in this maze that Fate has set out for me. We're all puppets of the master named Fate, no doubt. Nonetheless, do we bow to it, or challenge it in search of our own happiness?

When in doubt, does one step entirely out of the unbalanced equation, or to charge head first into a sea of uncertainty and insanity? I am confused, caught in this whirlwind that none of us in the equation has control over. With that, I can't help but question, do I still let things I have no control over happen as they come, or do I take it into my own hands, seeing the consequences, the only uncertainty belongs to a world of another?

That's right, this isn't suppose to happen. At least not in such a manner.

I miss you babe, but I'll leave you to fight your demons. Just let me know whenever you're ready, I'll be right beside you in no time.

2007-04-24T14:24:00.000+08:00

Now....paid for tickets to Germany. Question is, to go, or not to go?

2007-04-24T13:39:00.000+08:00

香水有毒 ~ 胡杨林

我曾经爱过这样一个男人他说我是世上最美的女人
我为他保留着那一份天真关上爱别人的门
也是这个被我深爱的男人把我变成世上最笨的女人
他说的每句话我都会当真他说最爱我的唇我的要求并不高
待我像从前一样好可是有一天你说了同样的话把别人拥入怀抱
你身上有她的香水味是我鼻子犯的罪不该嗅到她的美
檫掉一切陪你睡你身上有她的香水味
是你赐给的自卑

你要的爱太完美我永远都学不会

2007-04-12T13:02:00.000+08:00

There are some things that can't be shared. Not as in physically not possible, but there's a certain attachment to it thats special and others can't fathom and understand it. It's not something that can be drafted in words, nor can it be shown.

I liked it when it was simple. I liked it when it was just mine.

Then again, it could be the drowsiness my medicine is causing. Do excuse me for that.

I'll keep my peace cos there's nothing more I can say. I can't turn that impression of me in you around, cos you refuse to somehow. It hurts of course, but its starting to numb. I suppose it ain't too bad a thing now. Your words aren't those silver arrows anymore, that gleam in the dark and hit right where it hurts the most.

You're getting rusty, you know that.

Just let it go, will you? I'm getting sick and tired of it. Don't push it anymore. It's just going to irk me more and more. I'm not doing anything you think I am. By the way, thank you for thinking of me in that light. It did sting like hell that couple of years ago, etched deep in my mind, the very words you used. The words get more and more lethal as the years go by, but I get stronger and stronger too, don't you see?

Thanks for making me stronger though.

dumb and dumber and dumberer

2007-04-02T14:45:00.000+08:00

I just turned down return tickets to Egypt, including accomodation and all expenses.

Am I dumb, or am I dumb?

Proposing with rocks

2007-03-30T13:40:00.000+08:00

It's pretty hilarious in a way.

This morning started off with some good news about Lisa's flight being delayed and won't be back till we're gone for the day. That brought some sparkle to our day.

So Cathleen and I were talking about boyfriends proposing. Sparked off by her being totally worried that her boyfriend is going to propose to her, cos he will, she just has no idea when. The story is, she loves him to bits and they've been together for a couple of years, living together in this land that he worships, and she's not sure whether she wants to live the rest of her life with him, yada yada.

We drifted off to Sex in the City episodes, where Carrie found this hideous ring her boyfriend was going to use to propose to her, which Miranda helped to choose. As we were saying, we'd be stuck if we were proposed to with an UGLY ring. Like how her friend's guy proposed with his grandmother's ring, with a freaking huge diamond, yet it was incredibly hideous. She was so stuck with it cos well, it's his grandmother's?

Thus, we concluded we'd rather have a small yet beautiful ring, instead of a huge yet ugly ring. In fact, I've always had a thing against big diamonds. Call me nuts, but yeah, I've got a thing against diamond studded rings. I think they look too cluttered.

Come to think of it, I've got a thing against getting flowers too. I sometimes suspect, I'm not really a girl inside.

Cathleen's a huge advocate of women's rights and all. It's interesting how she sees the conventional white, virginal wedding gown with puffy sleeves, making brides look like a doll demeaning to women.

I can see and feel the war brewing when her guy proposes. Pigs in a blanket at a huge All American wedding VS a classy elegant yet simple affair with salads and snazzy finger food?

On a side note, being nice may not get you everywhere, but apparently, being nice does get you away with things.

There goes my morning, well spent. Talking about boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, wedding rings, Sex in the City, nice lawyers who think everyone else is stupid and the culture Down Under.

My work week is, unofficially over.

Yes, I can't save the world.

2007-03-29T23:18:00.000+08:00

.....as much as I try.. I'm still fucking pissed.

I have half a mind to scream the house down. The other half to ignore everything.

I don't own anyone, neither do I owe anyone anything. The only actions I have to account for are my own. Don't lump whoever's deeds to mine, cos I don't have that kind of power to control, nor to manipulate.

Pushing no blame to anyone, I just need to be treated as a separate entity, cos that's what I am.

I didn't blow based on one sole fact, but of incidents and emotions too complex and too intricate to be weaved into words. The fatigue's not unknown, neither is it within my control. It's not as simple as yielding to que sera sera.

"It's not your problem," they say.

I'm making it mine, cos you mean so much I want you to have the very very best of it all.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish, I'm not me.

Babes, I NEED a hug, Chevrons and that little space of my own. I want to be in that little space on the roof, where everything seems so unimportant and minute. Yes, I can't worry for the world. Perhaps, even in this little world of mine, not everything can be made right. Could they be wrong for a right reason?

I want to be evil, for once. This time, I truly am drained, right to the toes of my feet. I'm tired of providing the answers, I'm tired of being the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, of being the constant in everyone else's life. Where's my shoulder? Where's my listening ear? Where's the constant for me to follow?

Somehow, when I start edging the border to being in the centre of attention, the wrong one seeks me out. But, I need that tiny bit of attention once in a while, to remind myself of my own existence, and not in the shadow of everyone else's spotlight.

I am real, after all. Even machines break down. Who knows, I might just disappear into thin air some time.

Not now perhaps. Thank you my lovelies, for making everything less significant and me more significant. I'll drop by your shop tomorrow for a hug and say goodbye to your shop for the last time.

Keeping the faith.

2007-03-29T15:19:00.000+08:00

There's this shell I use to hide, away from the glaring stares and haunting chants.

It doesn't hurt when you don't feel. It probably won't hurt as much if you're not aware of it happening. But what it doesn't shield, is the actual fact of the hurt happening. The actual resentment of things you don't want happening. The evil stares of that creature that lurks in the dark, though unseen, it's pure existance is overbearing.

The long withheld belief is now put to the extreme test. A matter of whether I believe in it enough to want to make things change, or silently await its arrival. Either way, the consequences are daring me in the face to will me to yield.

Be it black, white or grey, I will hang on to the faith and grasp at every chance of a miracle.

"Look what you've done, you've made a fool out of everyone..."

2007-03-27T14:40:00.000+08:00

You know what?

I don't really want to know what's going on in there. I don't care the least bit.

I love the flowers on my side. The grass isn't greener as it always seems to be.

One last cigarette.

2007-03-23T16:46:00.000+08:00

I've come to realise...

It wasn't that I wasn't happy with you.

It's just that....

I'm happier without you.

Traumatised!

2007-03-17T16:08:00.000+08:00

Some incredibly traumatising photos..... oh well, for old times' sake! I know I'm going to regret this!

sweetie.

2007-03-17T15:28:00.000+08:00

You know something? I miss you too. I didn't think it was possible after the long absence.

All of a sudden, the episode seemed like it happened only yesterday.

I need your healing messages once again.

Mercy.

2007-03-16T09:30:00.000+08:00

I've always believed in euthanasia. It's not ethically, morally or whatsoever correct to take charge of someone else's life into your own hands, I agree. What if you know that that's going to take all the suffering out of that person you love, lying there, with no control over anything at all?

If I'm infiltrated with a dozen illnesses, been through countless operations, surviving in a sea of colourful pills, or... if it takes a machine to keep me breathing and my heart pumping, then, please do me a favour and not hang on.

It's not just a grey area, but one of fog and mist and all things bleak.

Take mercy on me, and shut the power off.

Nobody's there.

2007-03-12T12:01:00.000+08:00

You could be screaming your head off with joy amongst a sea of bobbing heads, and no one gives you a second glance.

You don't really care, cos the very incident that sparked that behaviour meant the world to you, something you worked so hard for, for far too long and far too hard.

This part of my life...this tiny part right here, I call it "happyness".

Yes, spelt with a 'y', just cos...I like it so.

With all those unpleasantness drifting out of my system, all's good once again. Sometimes, playing by the rules and roles we ought to be in is so much healthier.

To my dear friends who are going through a bad patch right now, stay firm and stick it out.

I'm here. Anytime and anywhere. Just think of how you can laugh all these off once its over, and that very moment is just round the next corner, or perhaps 2 more corners, but it is there. It really is.

To the girl we hold so dear...

Perhaps, we're all out of your system now, but there's a tiny part of you that wants it all to come back. At least, that's what I'd like to think. We grew up together, we grew up fine. Yet, for so long, you've been there and we've been here. Are we never going to take that step out? Are we just hanging around in our spaces?

I have no idea what and how much my words or our words mean to you right now. With every gathering, a glimpse of hope hangs in the air that you'll be there. Have we gotten used to your absence? I guess so.

Have we given up on having you around? No we haven't and we won't.

The short bitching session felt like you never left. You said you'd come but you didn't, but it's okay.

Just holler whenever you need us, all right babe? Love ya.

Waiting...

2007-03-04T21:32:00.000+08:00

Shuffling around last new year's.

Lying in bed, unable to speak, half paralysed this new year's.

I touched her and she smiled, unwilling to let go, yet clinging to hold on with hands she can't command.

Unable to move anymore now, stricken with pain, or is it when paralysis sets in, you feel nothing at all?

Told to wait...for the time she lets go.

Is this way the lesser evil, for her, or for us? Perhaps both.

Priceless.

2007-02-02T14:53:00.000+08:00

I found a treasure. Then, I proceeded to laugh my head off.

I couldn't help laughing at those pictures taken during our prom night which was held at the prestigious Hilton Hotel inclusive of incredibly lousy food, no doubt (so much for the prestige!). I think Juan looked the best that night. Don't even ask about me, I'm mentally deleting my presence from the pictures.

I even recall the hunt we had for our prom dresses. I remember the preparation at Evie's house. I just don't remember what happened during the prom.

The night we watched "To Kill a Mockingbird" play.

The National Cheerleading Competition.

Swiss Serenade at the Victoria Concert Hall.

St John's Inspection Nite.

Vibez.

Our class pictures.

Totally. Hilarious.

I don't even have recollections of some of these occassions. Those were the days without a digital camera.

There is always someone, somehow, always missing.

Sex on the beach. Tantalizing!

2007-01-28T22:34:00.000+08:00

Night out with the girls and guys never fails. Dbl O did her thing for us and it was marvellous that we all had a spanking good time without anyone getting wasted. The guy on the podium nearly screamed my ears off despite the blasting music.

Full attendance, almost. We fare better not putting in so much effort planning for a night out.

Sex on the beach is tantalizing.

I feel like packing my bags, to somewhere, foreign and intimidating. Maybe I should consider the free ticket to New York seriously.

Then again, better not.

Incarnadine glow in the musty darkness

2007-01-22T01:02:00.000+08:00

A news I won't put off as shocking, despite the unfamiliarity yet familiarity of the involved, clouded our discussion topics barely hours ago. None to be spoken of here, those who know, would know, those who don't, perhaps, would soon hear of it, judging from the speed of news travelling. At least for now, it doesn't involve me, in case it arouses the curiosity of any, I'm speaking from a third party point of view.

That aside, the JJG has always talked about organising a get-together, a proper one, where everyone would attend. As always, nothing concrete surfaced, somehow, our schedules always clashed, one way or another. This time round, with Terence heading down under for pilot training, it HAS to surface this time round.

Wear our uniforms for a "back to the past" experience?

Do a as always barbeque session at our usual place?

6 years since we graduated, and we still miss our Mano days. An episode touched too much upon, yet impossible to repeat, buried deep and reminisced often.

Laughters so genuine, time so treasured, whispers of naiveness, glows of youthfulness surrounds us from day to day.

Recalling what David said that day, "when you're 16, you can't wait to be 18, when you're 18, you can't wait to be 21, when you're 21, time flies like never before, and all you want, is to return to the time you were 16."

Swiss Cottage Secondary School.

A place we learnt, laughed and cried. A place where developed people I place high regards in. Despite a neighbourhood school some scorned upon, it shown amongst the murky waters.

A sudden jerk of reminder of the coming Chinese New Year, no stressful boyfriend's family visit this time, just a whole lot of gatherings, spelling fun, peace and not forgetting, a whole lot of laughter.

This break is probably a call for rest, to slow down and sniff the flowers a little, grow a little garden and breathe the air, of course, swing the swings and engulf my mind in literature and music.

If truth be told, I am enjoying this, thoroughly, ignoring the little knots that come tied along.
Something is glowing, a bright and fascinating light, a pull on one's heart strings, a thug on one's firm foothold, a pair of gloves in the merciless snow, a forgiving hug in an unforgiving chapter, an unpretentious smile in a world of complexity, it's the glow that exudes from within, simple, yet textured with meanings.

It's a detaching drinking session with the tightest of friends.

It's the tightest of all bindings that make your feet suffer, yet you chose it to avoid injuries that make you suffer.

It's the most genuine laughter, in the psuedo state of mind.

It's to love the one who can't reciprocate, and yet to not be able to reciprocate the one who loves you.

It's sad, yet that's the way it is.

It's watching Romeo and Juliet in the music room, lying on our tummies, in our school uniforms, tearing at the littlest details, doing the silent run through of the text in our heads, once again.

The colours seem to fade away, yet the monotony of details glow through, slicing through the clutter like a sushi knife, sharp and intended.

It should be so.

2007-01-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

The man stays home, day to day, watching serials after serials, newspapers after newspapers, catching reality shows that his children have never heard of. He knows every single piece of news in the papers, every single piece of gossip that no one else truly cares about.

The wife heads out for work, before the sun rises, before any single member of the family rises, only to return home after dark, unknowingly falling asleep within minutes.

This happens day after day, month after month, has it been years? With reality blurred and foggy, what stands true remains hidden.

A sick sense of disappointment washes over like a gigantic tsunami wave. Is there a reason to stay in, to see all these, to be reminded of the reality, or do against will, only to return after all is calm, a bare hint of what it should be, quiet and welcoming?

When was the last time you've seen him walking through that door, at the same time everyone else's should? No intentions to snide, just questions and doubts of what should all be. Years ago, that's the answer, with only an inkling of how heartwarming that felt.

There's only so much she can do. That's all.

salient.

2007-01-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

You know, I've never believed that long distance relationships could work. Yes, not even now.

It's not a matter of controlling my partner, I doubt I've much done so in my past relationships, but more of a "I need him when I want someone to hold." kind of mentality. Not exactly bull's eye on my point, but at least, he would be within touch, within reach, a real being.

Of course, no matter where he is, he's just going to be a phone call away, a message away so on and so forth.

Nonetheless, it's different. Just, different.

Factor in the time differences, the culture differences, the different lifestyles, the list goes on and on, mirroring the list of frustrations that attribute to the wear and tear of a relationship.

I've realised, I can't put down the differences. They're flashing in front of me, non-stop. They ar there, all right, undeniable, discriminating and constantly conscious. I can't walk down that one straight road without a single thought of whether that stranger is looking at me, or if that stranger there is dying to ask me something.

No I can't.

Some things are better left unsaid, though the unsaid thoughts for both him and her thunder a million thoughts, drilling a thousand nails, etching truth so deep they can't be mended.

There are times when truly, smile because it happened.

A technicolour dreamcoat.

2007-01-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

When something major happens in your life, and as much as you want to bury it deep down inside, somewhere that can't be reached despite the desperate need to, yet, all you want, is to brush it away for now.

When that particular thing boils to the top, bubbling like some hot liquid, forcing its way to the surface, ignoring all pleas to stay buried, all you want to do is to tell just that one person, just to make yourself feel better, hoping that the one person could bring light and positivity into the somehow mad rush downhill scenario.

Yet, all you can do, is smile to yourself, reminding yourself that, it's not going to happen, cos that person somehow seems too occupied, or too caught up in whatever's happening, some priorities way above you at this point.

The very person you wanted to be the first to know, may turn out to be, unfortunately, the very last person to know. By then, I hope, things wouldn't matter at all, cos it has taken a turn for the better, that whatever is swirling through my head now may all seem like a figment of my imagination.

For now, I shall leave you in your own world, where things are all flowery and nice, at least that's what it seems to me, I'll colour my own world, a technicolor dreamcoat.

the last day of twenty o six

2007-01-04T01:39:00.000+08:00

Indulgz-ing in Sweet Memories

Childhood revived and recaptured on film

Melodiously stepping into 2007

See-saw rainbows.

2007-01-04T01:37:00.000+08:00

We all seek this balance in our lives. It could mean differently to different individuals, the areas we have to support, the aspects we have to weigh and so on and so forth.

Many a times, the number of such areas becomes unknowingly too much for each of us to support, yet we’re on our own. Friends, family, work, play, relationships, the list is non-exhaustive. Things may be fine occasionally, when the individual weights aren’t that much for us to take, at other times, some aspects weigh down on us so much, we give up on the other sides of the see-saw.

Some are able to do so, with little hiccups, with good time management and efforts put in.

Others do not even realize that this see-saw of theirs is tilting so much on one side, perhaps, a result of them being too wrapped up in the other side.

We indulge in the imbalance most of the times cos of preference, and varying priority levels. Seldom do we rejoice in the successful balance in all aspects, probably due to the low frequency of such an event.

Are we to blame, or are we to reflect?

We could immerse deeper and deeper into the priority at that point in time, neglecting the otherwise. Without realization, it could be gone, before you manage to save anything.

All in all.

2006-12-26T10:01:00.000+08:00

2006's been an eventful year, probably mentioned it a thousand and one times, the girl and I had even listed down the major happenings that went by in a flash this year, and let's say, we surprised even ourselves!

Melancholic thoughts were running through my mind last night and robbed me a tad too much of my sleep. The urge to get up and write it down was intense, but as much as it is, my butt was asleep already.

I had wanted to jot down this post for memories' sake, few would know that I re-read my diary entries time to time. At times, I choose to simply tear it to pieces - these are happenings that I want erased from my mind. At other moments, all I want is to pen it down, be it a happy moment or a moment that I was hurting real bad, to serve as a reminder and a lesson learnt. Events and words that mean nothing to others, yet mean so much to me, cos they are pieces of my memories, that made me behave and think the way I am now.

May 2006

A really bad and in the dumps period, when my slightly after 2 year relationship came to an abrupt end. It hit me hard. My mind went a little haywire for awhile. Being over and done with, I guess I won't touch on the cause and effects. We're still in really close contact now, though I still question myself from time to time, why did I forgive him in the end. Was it to soothe my wounds, to be easier on myself, or I simply can't be bothered with it anymore? Regardless, I don't see anything happening between us anymore, contradictory to all your concerns, stepping out of the fog has made my mind clearer, somehow.

In the same month, I stepped into another relationship. One that came fast, and ended fast too. Perhaps, you still do read my blog, perhaps, you can't be bothered anymore. There were happy times and likewise, unhappy moments weaved through the short span of our relationship too. If you're reading this, I just want to say, thank you.

Thank you for being there when I needed somemone.

Thank you for being the shoulder I needed to lean on, for giving the hugs I needed to push on, for believing in me, and us, though it was only for a short while. For the laughter we shared, the lessons taught and most importantly, the memories.

I was happy then, though words of such means nothing to both you and me now.

We didn't end as amiably as I had hoped, but like I said, I stepped out of it stronger. Somehow, when it happened, I felt no impulse to question the doubts, why it happened, why didn't we work out, why this, why that. Words are powerful tools. I've learnt. In a way, you've changed my mindset in ways I still can't fathom.

I know you're happy now, and that you're doing well, and I'm truly happy for you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe, you didn't hurt. Maybe, you did. Undoubtedly, we've both recovered and moved on from where we left off. 4 months has passed since we last met. Perhaps, one day, we can sit down and laugh over what happened, and become friends we never attempted to be.

For now, like I've said before, I wish you all the best.

June 2006

It's been 6 months since I left my previous company, and 6 months since I joined this company. Close friends would know how it's like for me now. I emphasize, just let me bitch about it a little, I'll stick through it. One more year, that's all I need. I do miss my previous company, the people and the laughter. Things are different here, but I get the satisfaction and the assurance I seek, from people who matters most.

July 2006

I saw my beloved cousin walking down the red carpet. Recalling what I said to her then, I am exhilarated for her, yet feeling an odd sense of loss. I'm glad that you're happy, and I've gained a cousin-in-law. We should find time to resume our ktv sessions. I know, its me. I'll find time, don't worry.

September 2006

The girl made me fall in love with wakeboards. Then, she made me go riding. After countless face plants and Carlsberg beers, I've gotten my own board. A hefty investment, 1.6k to be exact, I think my brain got water-clogged I couldn't think properly. Nonetheless, I love my Angel, my Transits, after I manage to get into them. Now to get over the wet weather, I'm dying to ride! It's been so long now! Met a lot of people through riding, especially Mike, David, Helly, Long, Chun Kiat, Geraldine and all. The countless laughters in Mike's shop, the Nana Thai dinners, the on going stabs at each other, and our planned camping trips, it will happen soon.

November 2006

Seeing the painfully planned Asia Pacific Conference 2006 happening before my eyes, made all late nights and frustrations fizzle off. I'll bash myself in the head next year, looking back at this, but I am so looking forward to next year's conference. Asia Pacific Conference - Dubai 2007.

Other happenings I shall not speak of, but will do so, in a couple of months when it surfaces. It will. I have faith. Once again, I shall not list down any New Year's resolutions here. I just need to clear stuff up. Some things are getting way too messed up, and it should not be happening.

There are things that will stay with me and remain unspoken of.

One person I really want to thank, is Errol. Thanks my dear, for being there for me for so long. For trying so hard to keep me on track, for irritating me and being irritated by me, and so much more. You've kept me sane, and driven me insane. You should come to Batam with me again, your said Punggol trips are not happening! I do wish you'd let me watch the shows I want to watch though, instead of criticizing them!

Not forgetting dear, you know what's coming up next year for you, we will make through this and make it work. Trust me. Love you babe! And the guy too, yes you, Sham, though u can drive me nuts, but I love you all the same!

Deaf-initly Boleh!

2006-12-14T11:52:00.000+08:00

You start to realise how fortunate you are when you're surrounded by people who are otherwise. Recall one of the questions which was once put to me, if I had to give up one of my senses, which one would it be.

"My sense of hearing."

This couldn't have come to me stronger anywhere else, but at the Deaf-initely Boleh Carnival, a deaf awareness carnival held at the National Library over the weekend. Started off to help my cousin cos she was short of volunteers to help out, got Xiaobai in, and off we went to the carnival early Saturday and Sunday morning when everyone else was in bed.

We had to constantly remind ourselves not to succumb to the temptation of Macdonald's breakfasts, lazing in bed, or just chilling somewhere. Boy, it was tough!

These people are amazing, yet underestimated and belittled.

They can do so much more than you, me or anyone else can, purely cos of the drive in them and they know how not to take things they have for granted. They count every single blessing with much joy and enthusiasm, it makes you think they could be fortunate for their loss.

Them, being so comfortable and accepting of themselves, simply puts us to shame, makes us feel handicapped. Here we are, perfectly fine, complaining about phones ringing constantly, boring music, lousy singing, when they, for one, cannot hear.

They do lead ordinary lives which are far more extraordinary. They seek satisfaction, fulfillment, emotionally, instead of focusing on the materials. These are things that you can bring along with you down the years. Not your designation. Not your worldly possessions.

"Treat your child as a child with a handicap. Not as a handicapped child. Love him/her first as a child, then accept and help them with their handicap."

Not pining the words to that of what I heard, but the gist lies there.

There are lawyers, regional managers, assistant managers, teachers in there. Coming down to it, even you and I may not have that capability to reach that level. Their achievements are commitments they put themselves to, driving themselves to achieve because they know they can. Not because they seek to compete.

We stepped in not knowing what to expect and what was expected of us.

We stepped out, with a bigger heart and a bounce in our steps.

I'm glad I went and stayed on.

They are deaf, they can't hear, but they can listen. Not through voices of you and I, but through your body language and unsaid thoughts - what you and I always neglect through said communication.

Impossible is nothing and silence may just cut through more boundaries than words of nothingness...

Pepped up.

2006-12-13T14:55:00.000+08:00

Overwhelming, isn't it? The speed at how time just passes by, how you can get whirled into its tornado speed and come out of it with only a slight inkling of what happened. It's been a long time, I've realised. A long time since I had the moment and space to sit down and digest what has been going on and what has happened, feeling like I'm running a marathon with no time to catch my breath. By the time I get to the finishing point, I feel like my lungs are going to explode and the blood is rushing at insane speeds to my head, to the extent I terribly need to collapse.

It's been quite a year.

Wouldn't it be nice if I were people watching at a quaint little cafe, with a good book and good company now?

Christmas party and 2 consecutive days of wakeboarding.

Sadistically inviting.

Exhilarated.

2006-12-05T15:57:00.000+08:00

I need to reorganise my commitments once and for all. It's going a tad haywire, which isn't too good for both my physical well-being and mental well-being.

I am exhausted.

Something that happened, or rather that's going to happen makes me want to jump up and hop around, screaming for joy. Except that I can't tell. This creates a warm and fuzzy, yet burning feeling deep down inside. The kind that burrows deep into your tummy, and constantly reminds you of its existance.

It is something good. Something worth celebrating. Something that quantifies a hug, a kiss, and a few drop of tears. Happy tears and happy sighs.

Well, well, well...just let me be while I spin around the garden in glee.

I'm no angel.

2006-11-28T09:53:00.000+08:00

I'd still like for a shoulder to fall asleep on.
I'd still like for a hand to hold on to.
I'd still like for a comforting hug that makes everything right.
I'd still like for a smile that makes all the pain worth it.

Just not now.

Unless, he can carry my board bag for me.
Unless, he can fine tune my Energizer alter-ego with me.
Unless, he can share my joys and my woes.
Unless, he can piggy back me when I fall and twist my ankle.
Unless, he can make me smile right from the bottom of my heart.

I am happier now, as they say.

I'm leading a life now that I can't leave behind. Matters of the heart likened to an extreme sport, this emotional turmoil is more than I can take. My heart speaks in breathless whispers and inteferred by noise.

Random thoughts do pass through once in a while, but I'm not bothered by them. No doubt there were footprints left behind. They have faded, washed away by the tides, left with only an inkling of what had happened.

Perhaps, they were 2 separate souls in separate corners of this winter wonderland with their paths coincidently crossing. Now the snow has melted, the icebergs gone.

The sun has come up and it's time to go home.

Miracles only happen in dreams, not even in mine.

Things are getting way too complicated, venturing into areas that light should not reach. The world's a tiny place, and its round. I know it all, nonetheless, the affection is just overwhelming.

I thrive on affection, it seems.

Dancing in the grey areas, prancing in the dark. The right is wrong, and the wrong seems right. Living in this confusion of beliefs, you'll know it better than I do. Ignorance may be bliss, persistance may not triumph, perhaps, it's time, for selfishness to step in, or it already has.

Seeking the answer from within, to purge on or to hold my stand. Things will never get simpler, weaving in and out, into one dead knot.

It is nice to have someone sending you to work, messages or calls throughout the day to make sure you're going on fine, that you've eaten, or if you need a ride home, to watch movies with, to have a arm you can grab on to in case of emergency, to have someone sending you to the stars, to have someone to message "good night and sweetest dreams" to, to have someone missing you....

Yet, it is sad to know that it's your heart they can't touch and there's a reason why people stay where they are.

When taking a step forward isn't an option, neither is retreating, staying put seems like the most logical thing to do. Though, it may start to seem like an excuse to take the initiative out of your hands, knowing that budging even just a little can make a whole lot of difference, to a square in this game that means nothing, reaps in nothing, loses nothing, it's just plain meaningless.

I could call it quits, but who's to guarantee, that things won't make a turn for the worst after?

I could take it a notch up, but who's to tell me, that's truly the best for myself?

No one's seeking that answer to that fateful question, events could remain hidden, knowing and understanding, could hull one deeper into the equation. There is no answer. Likewise, speak of no questions. Don't ask, don't speak, don't question, don't doubt, don't expect, don't assume.

When stories aren't told, it doesn't mean they aren't happening. Even with stories narrated, it may not mean they are real. Fiction, or truth? Or perhaps, lies....

It's not about you, or me, or us, or them. It's about the many little screws that keep the whole chair up.

Clouded concentrations

2006-11-07T11:30:00.000+08:00

Something hit me while I was in the midst of preparing for work today.

Something my mother said some time ago.

"Men and women can never be equal, no matter how you want it to be."

I dwelled in it awhile, rolled the idea through my mind a couple of times. Pushed myself back to the time when we were discussing this. It didn't sink in as much then, it was simply brushed off like lint on velvet. When it hit me this morning, I started to see light on it.

It's true that men and women can never be equal.

We're not meant to be so in the first place. Undeniable, men and women can do fine on their own once in a while. But its the instincts and natural tendency that push us out of our shells to be in touch with the opposite gender to seek that shoulder to lean on, and that warm comforting hug.

Men and women to me, are interdependent and complementary. That's what we are all seeking, aren't we? That someone to provide for ourselves what we can't do so on our own. With every partner we connect with, we are all finding answers and clarifications to what we want and what we're trying to fulfill. If we're meant to be equal, we could have simply be made the same.

This lifetime game of hide and seek doesn't seem to justify the notion.

Would the world be a nicer place to live in if we're all made equal? Perhaps, but I beg to differ. The differences should be celebrated and not forcefully matched, not a desperate act of bringing the distance closer. Nonetheless, we are not looking for equality. But to be treated with respect. Through respect, it opens more doors for one to share ideas and thoughts with. The constant mindset of inequality clouding one's vision may result in shutting out areas which could bring that distance so much closer.

It is a give and take situation. We all take from the opposite gender what we don't have and give what we have. That's how we start to rely on each other and build that bond by sharing. I've always believed that the more you give, the more you get. It may not always be instantaneous, but results will show one day.

There's a reason why the world is round and love is a transaction, so as to speak. We market our strengths to obtain what we want. We bank on what we can offer, to get what we don't. Look beyond that person, so different yet so alike of you as an individual. Appreciate that individual's worthiness, cherish that individual's strengths, most importantly, step into that individual's skin once in awhile, to view the world through their eyes.

What are you looking for? Someone for you to love and cherish, someone who loves and cherishes you or simply someone who fits the bill?

An excerpt of what Errol once preached, "Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a noble thing, that no poor human can ever meet our vision. "

It may not be about love all the time, but deep down inside, about satisfying needs and wants.

Feel the rush

2006-11-02T15:54:00.000+08:00

Feel the rush of guilt and anxiety, as the stranger locks gazes with you, a sense of unrecognition. You know something that he doesn't. Something that the dearest person of his did. Your gaze drops, and starts do dart around, searching the room for something, anything that seemingly is far more interesting, mentally urging your friends for support.

Heaving a sigh of relief as he moves away, into his familiarity. You turn away, put on that smile, and tell yourself everything will be fine.

Staring at him, whilst running through everything that was said in the head of yours, attempting to tie the tales with this display of facts right before you.

The step out of that self-confining cell proved to be right. Circumstances now does not allow the plot to unfold. In time to come, all shall be forgotten.

Boundaries were teased, limits were nudged, living on the edge may not always be the white area.

The old man at home.

2006-10-31T09:46:00.000+08:00

My father - my dad.

Friends of mine would say I don't talk much of my dad.

I'd like to say that he's a man of few words, yet on the contrary, he can be so noisy he drives me nuts.

When I was just a little girl, and my brother was just a blob of fats lying in the cot, an incident that happened was imprinted in my memories. It wasn't that big a deal when I come to think of it now, but it was, then. My dad had to report for reservist on my birthday. For any little toddler, a birthday is when the world stops for you, and you alone, and so, I wailed and bawled, when my dad's world simply wouldn't stop for me.

During the first few years of my life, my dad was my fort - withstanding the storms, tsunamis, lightning, thunder and all creepy crawlies for me, most importantly, my mother.

As I grew older, the affections, in a way, tipped the scales to that of a lumpy blob of brother I had. Perhaps, my dad simply had no idea how to dote on his little girl. But, every time he came home, he came back with something nice for my brother, and none for me. Initially, I started to resent it, threw tantrums and all. In the long run, I got used to it and simply shut both eyes whenever it happened.

I grew up speaking english at home. My parents were english educated. My dad's Mandarin, to be honest, is pathetic. Yet he didn't give up trying. Everytime he learnt a new phrase, he'll pepper every single sentence he attempted in Mandarin with THAT particular phrase. I would always grimace at the sound of it.

He used to copy new words and their meanings from dictionaries on small pieces of paper so that he could learn them whilst he was on the road. His many attempts to share them with me didn't work out as well as he would have liked, yet, little to his knowledge, one particular word stuck to me all these years, only because he was always mentioning it.

I learnt the true meaning and usage in Literature in secondary school and amusingly, I fell in love with the word. That's the title of my blog - soliloquy.

He used to make me stay awake on buses to recognise road names. As everyone knows, it absolutely didn't work. I'm still the road idiot.

Now, at 21, my dad's no longer my fort. He's a friend at times, a dad at times, nonetheless, sometimes he still irritates the hell out of me, on purpose. Apparently, I'm still 7 to him, and it seems that it's going to stay that way. He still thinks I can't make my way round this island. Even now, he still thinks I took Mass Communications in polytechnic.

This old man I have at home, is turning old. I see the white hairs sticking out of his head, I see the wrinkles forming, I see the aches and pains he has now that he didn't use to have, but he's still that 30 year old man I knew all my life.

I admire his responsibility to this household, by being able to put up with my mother for so many years, for providing whatever he can for us, despite being almost jobless, for buying food that I like, and nagging at me whenever I finish it, for giving me the same trait he has - being sentimental, to all things, even inanimate objects.

He has his quirky thinking, like how he refused to repair our water heater for one month, and made us boil water to bathe, just to "let us have a feel of how it was like last time".

Sigh, this old man I have at home, does drive me nuts.

I did it!

2006-10-29T10:40:00.000+08:00

Perseverance does pay off. After countless tries to perfect the art of falling in style, I did it! I managed to stand! Without even Cadence or Angel, but just the house board! That 2 times down half the length of the cable ski park was enough to make all the falls and bruises forgivable. Came back to a grinning Sham and Ikel and a big hug from Mike, such a pity the girl wasn''t there to see and only realised one hour late.

It doesn't matter, babe.

Many thanks, hugs and kisses to the girl, the guy, Long and Mike for my surprise birthday cake! Boy, am I glad it was Andy's actual birthday and not mine! It was hilarious and everyone there had great fun watching the man and the instigator, Mike, riding BUTT NAKED around the cable ski park. It did take a lot of persuasion and no doubt, beers to get that going.

The long wait for this day was worth it. My bruised ankles and torn blisters will heal.

But nothing, can replace the exhilaration of getting where you set out to go. Now, I can start planning for my Angel 130 complete with bindings, my vest and helmet by the end of the year!

The only problem is, how am I supposed to carry that almost 30kg of weight back from Batam?

Impossible is nothing.

We can then all look forward to the party, if it surfaces, after Mike's operation.

Somehow or rather, the injuries don't scare us a tiny bit. Seeing the determination the riders display, just makes you motivated to go out there even more. The busted knees, twisted ankles, bruised arms, aching necks, water clogged brains and missing noses, will not stop us.

All in all, I did prove Errol wrong, I tried my hardest and did it.

Without a pro board, with a loose helmet and a vest that constantly rides up.

We are all closet lesbians.

2006-10-26T16:55:00.000+08:00

Ever had a song running continuously through your head whilst in the midst of something?

"Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you, just to have somebody by my side.And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry."

Not a catchy song, nor a hit in the charts, but a song that runs deeper than it seems. Deafening like a siren, of warning, of forebode, an omen of the worst sorts. Words of that melody do not fit seamlessly into the context, yet hinting of something far more explosive.

Do you plunge in it, regardless its depth, ignoring the disclaimer staring straight back at you?

Do you pause to think, or blame it on something that's totally within your control?

Is it for the thrill, or is it to prove the fact that you live only once?

No particular feelings to be pinpointed, no questions to be asked, no sequel to it, it will just be a one off thing. Don't bother asking me about it, cos it's worth nothing to those uninvolved.
When you feel the blood rushing to your head, and all you want to do is scream, not to be heard, but to bring your mind back to reality, it is time to do something about it.

Conscious enough to tell yourself to be otherwise, sober enough to tell yourself to blame the raging emotions on an inanimate object, sane enough to know what you're doing is wrong.

With these, one should know when to slap yourself. Hard.
Would the words mouthed, be an attempt to prevent a disaster on your side, or that of mine?
The flashbacks, haunting, forcing me to squirm and grimace. What do you actually do, when you started off with the right foot, and somehow in the process, you stumble and get on the wrong foot? Would you leave the path entirely, when that trip in the road is just a tiny aspect of it? Or would you make the best out of it, attempt to correct it, and act as per normal, like nothing has ever happened before?

It's not a reason for celebration. But, it has happened. It will lay buried, deep amongst the debris of the pumping organ inside of me.

Hold the judging and all, these are merely, a play of words. Form the image you perceive, will you, and hold on to that. It's all but part of your mind. Nothing's been said, nothing's been done.

The uncountable interpretations of it all, a mystery to us all.

I saw that playing in your head.

2006-10-23T13:59:00.000+08:00

Despite the lack of sleep and overdose of toxins over the past few days, I awoke thoroughly rejuvenated. Ignoring the minor disappointments - not being able to get full attendence, I really have each and every one of my girls to thank for making it such a beautiful night.

A quiet afternoon, just catching up with Sufang, watching people go by, unfazed by the earlier downpour of T-rexes and killer whales. The air was quiet, with an odd sense of comfort and tranquility hanging in the atmosphere. Concerns were raised, questions answered, doubts were clarified, views were shared, just through that mere couple of hours, the distance between us shortened by non-quantitative measures.

Settlers' seemed to change the setting all together. We were seemingly brought back to secondary school days, where it was all more real and a lot more carefree-ness. The games took the lead weights that was weighing us down away. The laughter, took all unfamiliarity away from us.

That, made Wala Wala the perfect ending to sum up the entire night. One can only laugh in recognition of the familiar indecisiveness of ours. Taking a whole ten minutes and many queries shot at the Wala staff before we changed our minds to something that was staring at us straight in our faces. With that, Wala's menu was questioned down to the very last item.

At last, we've made our getaway plans somewhat concrete, the very first of ours, I pray not the last, but the start of many to come. No doubt a tiny one, it's still a baby step to what we've been trying so hard to accomplish.

Wrapping up the night with a miniature road trip, one that we can only long for, forever pending, forever planning, never concrete, I fell asleep, with a smile on my face with much appreciation, for the best 21st birthday gift I could ever receive...

And woke up late for work 4 hours later.

Someone who keeps my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.

That's who I need.

That's who I want.

Going down memory lane

2006-10-19T01:46:00.000+08:00

How time has flown.

Soulfood madhouse days

Chillout sessions with the Jing Jang Gang

I'm missing all of that. Nowadays work is swallowing us whole, not even bothering to spit out the bones and all. We all spend more time in office than anywhere else.

Further, it's exasperating how the gang is always not at full force this days, cos of work commitments at times, when one can only sigh and lament, yet charge head first into it.

Briefly went through my work schedule in my head earlier and now, I am craving so much for a day, just one, when I can just put everything down, and head for some quiet place where I can read in peace.

To fully immerse myself in that of another's world, to let go of everything momentarily, to feel someone else's pain, hurt, joy, thrills, fears and experiences.

I'm needing that.

It's time to step out of my skin, breathe the fresh air a little, fully experience the rush of emotions once again.

Classic moments.

2006-10-16T00:38:00.000+08:00

Late night with the girls always bring us to questions we always have no answers for. Only hypothetical analysis we come up with, hand in hand with the benefits of doubt we try so hard to hold. At times, it's plain tough to hold fort, to get a firm grip on this ever changing backdrop we have behind us. Yet, we're doing fine my dears, with the occassional hiccups and hitches we come across, we're still a reason for celebration.

Like how on impulse I messaged Errol, we are all nothing without friends. As true to the word, we are what our past makes us out to be. We are like climbing plants, constantly searching, constantly trying to reach to higher areas, to touch the sky, to get to where we want.

Friends are the fences that assist us in doing so. They're our crutches. My support. I love every single one of them. In any event were I to die the next moment, one of my biggest regret would be not letting them know how much they mean to me.

I'm happy that we're all moving on together, albeit in different directions, but we are moving up.

Part of every single one of us is still like before, or at the very least, longing for what we used to be.

We still are. We can still be.

We are still 7 very different people coming together, complementing each other, being there for each other.

I stand true to this.

Guilty as charged.

2006-10-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

At times, I do wonder if words being said or actions being done can be a true reflection of what he/she is thinking or feeling. Could it be, many a time, we're consciously or subconsciously masking some emotions within us, trying to show only the side we want the outside world or intended party to see? Do we know what we're doing? What is exactly on our minds when we go through this decision process?

I'm dumbfounded.

Definitely guilty as charged.

How can we demand another a true showcase of his/ her emotions and thoughts when we ourselves fail to deliver as such? Can we really do unto others how we would like to be treated?

No, we can't.

I don't deny there are times, times when we only realise what we're doing only after doing so. Hence, it's pretty much obvious that it's redundant to feel remorseful or repentant. Sorry is just a word by itself. It means nothing without the emotional tags that bind tightly to it if one truly means that apology.

It's tiring to guess. Exhausting in fact.

The constant reminders to ourselves to be truthful to ourselves are just literally sticking post-it notes all over the place without paying attention to it. What's the point?

The moral of the story is, it's your choice.

Regardless the situation, it's still your choice.

"I didn't have a choice!"

That is an excuse. A cover up for what you fail to admit.

Well, talk is cheap. We can say whatever we want and we won't get caught.

I do feel. I do see. I do listen. I do reminise.

But at the same time, the deafening truth prevails.

I have to turn the other way. I have to twist my words. I have to hear but not listen. I have to reminise without emotions.

As of now, the smile is the reward I give to myself.

The laughter an assurance.

The joy, a comfort.

My gorgeous new love.

2006-10-02T16:37:00.000+08:00

My new love. Danny Harf. Cuteness redefined.

Someone pinch me please.

Sweet sweet sweet memories

2006-09-30T11:03:00.000+08:00

When old friends get together, we'll reminise the good ol' days and have a good laugh about it. That was what we did over some horrible meal at Delifrance with Juan. Come to think of it, we've been friends for 12 years!

I recall the days in primary school, when we would be sitting along the corridor, playing five stones. Every single day, without fail. We'd gotten so good at it, we had to come up with ridiculous rules so as to make the game a tad more exciting. Until we got too bored with it, we moved on to Zero Point, got obsessed with it to the extent of playing at void decks after school ended. Not forgetting hopscotch, when even slabs of tiles in the parade ground became our playground during the short 20 minute recess break.

Remember our Moon Awards, where we combined classes to come up with a skit, so as to speak, for some assembly thing. It was hilarious! We even had the "celebrities" come up to give a short thank you speech. Our 鞋烧光 aka 谢韶光 was phenomenal. Unfortunately, I can't recall the rest of the names though.

Not forgetting our Mr Jumat bin Baba! Our beloved form teacher, who was a great teacher other than the times he made us eat chalk, get whacked by blackboard dusters, either on purpose, or if you got hit by accident, too bad too sad. We all remember Nicholas Tan, who always cried when he got scolded, Choon Guan, Juan's partner for a short while, who did not dare to sit down all cos he kept getting pinched by her, the lessons at the tiny "lecture room" behind the stage, when Jie Lun missed the first day of remedial lessons and when he got questioned why he didn't attend, all he said was "I went Fantasy Island with my family what."

That got him the nickname of Fantasy Island, with a few other people like, Victor, who was named Panadol and the list goes on.

Further, who can forget the food?! Rocket ice-cream, potato puffs, fried noodles, etc. The cheapest good food ever!

Head on to secondary school, greatest memories of the Jing Jang Gang, Mano, cheerleading, chilling out, bubble tea, takopachi, chicken mee, Pai Gu Mian, custard chicken, chilli fries, chicken rice, cup noodles and spaghetti!

Who can forget the hard work put in for the cheerleading finals, when we won 3rd?

Who can forget the countless remedial lessons we had to prepare us for the O Levels?

Who can forget the torturous Zhang HaiYan lessons, the horrible microphone and the time Evie poured super glue into the power socket?

Who can forget the performances our respective CCAs presented every single school function?

Who can forget the neverending practice sessions for the Singapore Youth Festivals?

Who can forget the skipping of classes?

Who can forget the breakfasts at Gombak Macdonalds?

Who can forget all these sweet sweet sweet memories?

We'll never find food like that, we can never behave like that, we simply are not 16 anymore.

Nonetheless, we still have fun our way. We still enjoy ourselves. We will still meet up over high tea with our husbands and kids in tow in future. We will still have days when we will let our hair down and just have loads and loads of fun.

Most importantly, we will still always be there for each other.