From a distance...

If wishing upon a star could make really make the wish come true, I'd stay up all night to wish upon the stars I see. A wish to erase the hurt, the unhappiness. Another one to wish for the best, for you, for me, and for us.

I wonder, how I seem to you, the me you've come to know so far.

How much time exactly does one need to be sure of compatability? Perhaps, never.
People change, trees grow, flowers wilt.

"Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts will change."

This pursuit of self-indulgence, comfort, companionship, effort, hard work, commitment, and a whole lot more rolled together into one huge ball called love could either surge you right into the sky, or pin you down leaving you helpless and disillusioned.

Love is a big word. At least to me. It emcompasses a whole lot more than its superficial definition. The ties that come with it, the commitments it brings, it comes in a whole package with "fun, laughter, indulgence, euphoria and all things sweet and nice" in bold print and "possibility of hurt, pain, sorrow, confusion, denial, dependence" in fine print. Regardless whether one is aware of all these stated, we all step into this, willingly.

When I say "I love you", I mean it with all my heart. It means saying yes to all the terms and clauses enclosed. Talk is cheap. Yes, i totally agree. Yet, I can tell you a million truths, and you selectively choose to perceive them as untruths, where does that leave me? Am I to be labelled a liar? Am I to be labelled as being untruthful? Am I not true to this relationship?

Talk is cheap if you choose to perceive it to be so.

"A picture can paint a thousand words, so why can't I paint you? The words will never show, the you I've come to know."

Is talk still cheap now?

You decide the value and weightage of the words you listen. Listen, not hear.

If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you. Cos that's right where I want to be. Believe me when I say so.

we are family. but, what's your name?

I was never close with the cousins from my dad's side of the family. Well, almost. The one and only time I recall us being close was at my granddad's funeral. How ironic. His leaving brought us together, though not for long. That 3 days of sorrow, brought us together in a way that was just beyond words. We were truly like cousins. Unfortunately, after the wake was over, it was all lost too. The bond we had went into the crematorium with my granddad. Perhaps, at the very least, that was what my granddad wanted to us to be.

Since then, it has always been a once a year "gathering" for us all, with not more than 10 sentences exchanged. We probably can't identify the names to the faces we see. Even if we pass each other on the streets, we're just a "oh so familiar" face to each other, at the very most, a hint of smile as acknowledgement. Nothing more, nothing less. I've always believed that we don't speak much to each other cos of our age gaps. Then it hit me, I had a relationship with someone 11 years my senior, even older than some of them are. What basis do I have to claim that we can't communicate? All of us never had put in that extra effort to build the bond, or to even sit down and have a proper talk. There always had been that barrier between us.

Does it matter whether I have a cousin who's a lawyer, one who's a pilot, one who's a teacher, a distant one who's a singer and all? Does all these truly matter when it comes to family? I'm not proud of it. When it boils down to it, we're just passing strangers on the streets who happen to be related.

I've met them on the streets, a couple of times. We don't say hi, we don't smile. We don't even have each other's number. All I know is, that's my cousin I just saw. His/her name? "I think it's so-and-so. But I can't be sure." 21 years of my life. I can safely say for sure, we've not met more than a 100 times. How tragic.

So, is it better to have been close before and drifted apart, or is it better to have never been close before? A question to think about, a question I can't answer. The family tree we've filled up like 5 years ago, still remains on the same piece of paper it was written on. I wonder, if 10 years down the road, where will this piece of paper be.

What went wrong, where went wrong, I don't know. I stopped finding answers. It has all just become something we're all used to. Now, that's why the television is so very important during the Chinese New Year visits. It's our source of escape and excuse to be quiet. We all stay rooted in our seats and when the time comes to leave, we all breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Melancholic smiles

There are times. Times when the melancholy and memories sets in and starts to eat up the determination and restraint built up the past few weeks. When I just happen to let my guard down and browse through photos of us, sms conversations and flashbacks. It hits me again, like the feeling of accidentally bruising a recovering wound. It will not hurt as much as it did the first time round, but nonetheless, it still does, but just a little. As the wound heals, these accidental bruising will just hurt less and less, and fade gradually over time. The wound will heal, and it is healing.

When I start thinking back, it simply feels like a bad case of deja vu. Something between reality and dreams. The kind of familiarity that leaves you bewildered and confused if it truly happened. Then, the more you think about it, the more it fades away and you start losing pieces of the familiarity. All you remember then, is the gist of it.

You stop wanting to talk about it, even when you start, you lose track of the events that happened and simply brush it off with a "It just wasn't right,". Perhaps, that's the last point before you truly heal. Its just a matter of time anyway.

You start telling yourself, it really wasn't meant to be.

Despite these, the lost love does leave impacts, subconsciously in you. I'm trying not to bring these uncertainties and distrust along with me. It's just harder for me to start a relationship now cos I've seen an ugly side. I'm just wary of being hurt the same way before. Now that I've let you go, it's time I truly let myself go.

I'm happy now. It's a whole new experience. Like how he puts it, our past experiences have enabled us to appreciate each other a whole lot more. Thanks for everything, dear.

curiously unique, slightly offbeat and yet heartwarming

When people grow old, they tend to become the way kids behave, demanding for attention, though less blatantly. But that's the way things seem to be. Just like my grandparents. They can squabble over every single little thing, and not speak to each other for an entire week, doing their own things and irritate the hell out of each other, just cos they know that the other doesn't like it. It puts me off at times, but over the years, we've all learnt how to let them squabble their heads off and we'll just laugh it off.

What just hit me over these couple of years, is how different relationships were in the past as compared to now. My grandparents have been married for over 50 years. Till date, despite the everyday squibbles and squabbles, the forever on-going cold wars, persistent jabs at each other, they're still going strong. Strong not in the sense they're still loving and all.

They sleep in separate rooms and all, but whatever they do, they will still think of each other. Like how my grandma will always grumble about stuff that she doesn't like doing for my grandpa whilst doing it. Like how my grandpa will always remind us to leave something unsweetened for grandma to eat (cos she has diabetes) while jokingly saying that this way, he can have all the sweet ones.

Just last month or so, my grandma fell down. Fractured her hand, not long after, there were metal bars all over the area she fell. My grandpa is a Do-It-Yourself kind of man. Fixed all the electrical stuff, made cabinets, grew plants, you name it, he fixed it, and he's STILL doing it. He fixed the metal bars so that IF she slips again, she'll have something to grab on for support.

It's such a heartwarming feeling to watch the both of them and they've stuck by each other all these years. I personally can't imagine being married for 50 years. Perhaps its the companionship they're treasuring. But I believe, they have never thought of leaving each other throughout the 50 over years, cos they have chosen to make the commitment to each other.

Relationships now, are made and broken with no qualms. If something goes wrong, one party probably bails out and looks for someone new. There isn't the commitment and loyalty to each other anymore. It's scary. But its a fact. It scares the hell out of me to make a commitment, half-knowing that when anything happens, the words of commitments are just....words.

Whispers of joy in melancholy

He makes me feel protected. I like.

Never had I felt this way before.

虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花

Prior to this, I had my msn nick as lyrics of "kiss goodbye". It somehow reminded someone of this line "虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花" which sums up my situation now. It literally means, even though falling flowers have the desire to flow along with running waters, yet running waters have no desire to bring along the fallen flowers. Yes, apparently I'm the fallen flowers.

That someone gave me another theory which I have heard of before but I have yet to put it into my context. Life is a stage. Some people take up the main lead, some supporting actors and some extras. Perhaps, I was the main lead once, now, I could be the supporting actress or even the extra. Or perhaps, I was never the main lead in the first place. Thinking about it, he was his own main lead. Everyone else was the supporting actors and actresses.

In another context, there are 3 main people in our lives. The person we love the most, the person who loves us the most, and the person we marry. We are all searching for this one person who satisfies all 3 main characters in our lives. But often so, these 3 characters are fulfilled by 3 different people.

Likewise for me, he may be the person I'll love the most and gave the most but he may not be the other 2 characters. I may be the person who love him the most, but he may not be the person I'll settle down with.

Similarly, he may be the person who has hurt me the most and I am the person he has hurt the most. But thats where our destiny will lead us to. Perhaps, one day, he'll truly regret, but it doesn't mean he'll be back. In fact, he already has moved on. Logically, there's nothing for me to hold on to. I'm just holding on to a shadow of his former self that is non-existant anymore. I know for a fact I shouldn't but I know I will move on. Someday. Hopefully soon.

Even if we get back together, things will definitely be different. I'll just going to get hurt even further. I should stop the pain now. Like what I say, just give me some time to hang on a little more. For me to totally get rid of the hope and shadow thats holding me back.

If he comes back now, I don't deny I'll take him back. But with every chance given, it means a whole new set of expectations that'll set the bar even higher. Every single time he doesn't meet that expectations, it'll all come down to square one again. I'm already at square one. I can start anew. I will do it.

Can't you just get out of my mind?
Stop driving me insane. Stop haunting me. Stop occupying my thoughts.
Its killing me...

Please...just go away. Like far far away. Don't even exist anymore if you're not planning to come back. Everything that happened in the last 2 years seems to run past my mind non-stop. Like some player with a spoilt stop button. It doesn't mean a thing to you, so why should I care?

Can't you just have mercy on me? I hate to wake up and I hate to fall asleep. Waking up would mean a rude shock of reality, falling asleep would mean I'm living in my own fantasy world where everything is all right. You're not helping.

It's so hard to pretend its okay. I'm totally not okay. I'm not recovering. I still want you back. But I can't and you won't. I have to accept it but I can't. I'm just forcing myself. I'm pushing myself to my limits, pushing myself over my limits, pushing myself to do what I can't, pushing myself to hate you, pushing myself to get over.

All I want to do is break down and cry and beg you to come back.

Good Riddance

You've said your piece. I know what I should do.

Like they say, "Good Riddance".

I will definitely be happier from now on. I will not bring my value down anymore.
What goes around comes around. Sooner or later. You'll be treated the exact same way. I will leave you alone. I don't care what you do, what you say. You mean nothing to me anymore. After all that you have done, what more do you expect me to do for you? Beg you to come back? Throw myself at you? Be at your mercy? Let you manipulate my thoughts? You wish.

You, are not even worth a space in my phone book. I will erase all your memories. I will fill the space with someone who's worth it. Someone who'll appreciate me more. Someone whom I deserve.

I hit the wall again. HARD. I don't seem to learn from my mistakes.

I'm losing myself again. Why is it so hard? Why is it that you're so complicated?

I've had enough. But I'm still going for more. When is it that I can finally be free from all these pain and sorrow?

They say once bitten twice shy. Apparently it doesn't mean a thing for me. I know I was dumb.

baby不要再哭泣
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握着你的手彼此都舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不如保持安静
给我一分钟专心
好好欣赏你的美
幸福搭配悲伤
痛是在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走
去跟随
每一次和你分开
深深的被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔
痛苦难以释怀
每一次kiss you goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白
----
但欠你的我不能给
我才明白爱最真实的滋味
我终于明白

~王力宏 kiss goodbye

It's taking all of me just to stay firm and not sway. I know if I just let go a little, I'll prolly start asking him to come back, though of no use, I'll still do it anyway.

Maybe by repeating these negativity I'll convince myself that what I'm doing is right. I just have to do it over and over again, on a hourly basis, on a daily basis. Until the day I truly believe what I'm saying.

I've repeated it so many times, it seems fictional. You seem to be fictional. Were you my imaginary friend? Were you conjured up by my mind? But the hurt and the pain is so real. So overwhelming. So intimidating. So tiring.

You're haunting me you know? I dream of you at night. I think about you in the day. It's a vicious cycle. I can let go, I can move on, I can give up, cos my heart is dead. But you just wont stop appearing in my mind. Why can't you just be a figment of my imagination? I'll be able to function normally then.

I wanted a simple love too. I thought it was. Everything that happened is so vivid. Like it just happened yesterday. Your messages from last year, I can remember word for word. You starting work, our non-stop messaging, your teasing, your touch, your hugs, tell me they aren't real. Tell me you never loved me before. Tell me you're just something that came out of nowhere.

I keep doing things that intensifies the pain. I feel myself hitting the wall each time. HARD. I feel so dumb, so stupid. For giving you my best, and this is what I get in return. Every single morning, I feel a slap of reality right smack on my face. The fact that you're no longer a sms away, a phone call away, a bus ride away. You're just not there anymore. Every single time I open my door, I have to remind myself I only have a set of keys now. No longer do I have 2 sets. To think I used to grumble.

I don't like to call you names but its the only way I can convince myself. For that moments I am actually able to be mad and convinced that I can go on without you. For now, I can be strong and will be strong so everyone won't be worried. This support thats holding me up in the day just crumbles at night. When it all sets in again.

I know I'll be fine. I know I won't fall entirely. Give me a little more time to mourn and grieve. I'm picking myself up again. Trust that I can do it. I feel like there's a gong in my head. I am standing up once more. One day I'll be able to go to places without thinking of you. One fine day, I'll be able to step into Holland V and walk pass your place without my heart weighing me down.One fine day, you wont mean a thing to me. One fine day, I will regret not letting go earlier.

One fine day, you, Allan Ang, will just be a name in my phone book.

A complete twist of fate

An unexpected twist of fate
Was what brought us together
Firmly believing in that
Treasured the gift so much

Things are never what they seem
The truth always hurts
Like a slap right in the face
Forceful and fatal


These happened for a reason
Awaiting the enlightenment
I'll come to terms with it
And emerge stronger and wiser

You chose this path
I'll walk down mine
Perhaps our paths will cross one day
I'll leave it to the people up there

My life lies in my hands
I won't let you control it further
I'll walk the talk and the line
For myself and those who care

You were just a passer by
Taking more than you should have
I didn't lose anything much
Just something I had gained

Everything happens for a reason.

I've learned

Don't say something you don't mean.

Stop playing mind games with me.

I will let you go. Don't underestimate me. It's just a matter whether I want to or not.

Now, I know I want to.

I feel so disappointed in myself.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is in fact such a man.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is such a disappointment.

I'm just so disappointed in you. I gave you more credit than that. I had more confidence in you. I believed that you could do it.

Get a hold on yourself. You can do much better than that.

My heart for you is dying. You made it this way. I'm not going to let you manipulate my feelings anymore. I don't deserve this. Even if I owe you anything, I've done more than enough. I DO NOT owe you anything, anymore, never did.

This is the path you chose. You be responsible for your own actions. You're old enough. When are you going to wake up and do what you have to do, what you're supposed to do?

No matter what, I still wish you the best. I pray you'd wake up in time and realise what is important to you. I hope you'll learn to become a better person. Prove them all wrong. Don't live the rest of your life with regrets.

I suppose in a way, I was blinded.

It's all but empty promises.

Over promised and under delivered.

That's what it all is.

Just let me hate you ya?

Why do I always feel like that on a Saturday?
My heart just goes to the rock bottom of the once again realisation of the situation.

I'm at a loss again. The determination running low with nothing to distract me.
I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to know. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to cry. It's been 2 weeks. I'm turning blind.

Remind me please...

I don't need him to take pity on me because I'm having a hard time letting go.

All I need is assurance that I will be happier and better off without him.

That is all I need to let go.

Please remind me to be happy. I seem to have forgotten how.
Please remind me to hate him. Just to give myself more reason to move on.

If I look all right, I am not inside.
If I smile, it doesn't mean I'm no longer hurting.
If I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm not crying inside.
If I keep quiet, please don't leave me alone.
If I say I'll be fine alone, please don't believe me.
If I say I need to cry, please don't ask me not to cry.
If I say I can't let go, please give me time to cry.
If I say I'm hurting, please give me a hug.
If I say I need you with me, I really do need you with me.
If I say I'm okay, I'm actually not, just feeling a lil better for that moment.
If I start going off track, please pull me back.
If I start going the wrong direction, please lead me back.

I lost myself.

There's only a thin line between love and hate.

You know, I think I'm reaching the point when I feel like I have alot to say, but when I come down to actually saying it, the events kind of slip past my mind. But all I feel like doing is to break down and cry.

Crying is just an outlet. To let off my frustrations and confusion. After I cry, I feel a little better, like I have the strength to move on somehow.

I tried so hard to change those negative feelings I had into hatred and blame. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me, for treating me this way, for being such an idiot, for lying to me, for making me fall so deeply in love with him, for making things so hard for me, for telling me that he has plans to settle down with me and gave it all up just like that, for reciprocating those feelings of hers, for breaking up with me, for giving up on us, for making me cry, for making me so confused, for making me so helpless, for making me so pathetic, for making me so needy, for making me so emotionally dependent, for making me feel that you're still with me, for making me feel that there's hope, for making me want you so bad, for making my friends worry about me, for making me have hope then bursting all my bubbles. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

After all, there's only a thin line between love and hate. I shall try harder to instill this thought into my head. Turn it into a drive for me to move on.

Why should I hold on when you're enjoying yourself? Why should I hold on when you're probably already attached? Why should I hold on when you're not even affected? Why should I hold on when you're no longer holding on? Why should I hold on when you don't even miss me? Why should I hold on when you're developing your feelings with her?

You only have her to msg. I have alot more ppl to msg. Then again, maybe that's all you need.

Even if you come back one day, I won't want you anymore. You won't come back I know. Thanks for nothing. I should have left alot of stuff at your place to remind you of me. Thanks for giving me a hard time. Thanks for making me cry so much I think I'm turning blind. Thanks for not being there anymore. Thanks for everything you have done.

Damn it. I'm a wreck.

Damn.

I woke up determined today. Determined to move on and let go.

I was so sure for the first half of the day, felt my will power getting stronger.

Then...

My colleagues started talking about it. My determination hit rock bottom.

I'm struggling to keep it up now.

I'm flying a kite now. Let's just hope it won't snap.

My thoughts are killing me...

I really want to give you and myself space to discover ourselves. I just don't know how to let myself go. Before I let you go, I have to learn to let myself go first. I have to instill in me that I want to move on more than anything in the world. I want to let go.

Part of me feels that if I don't let go, he won't. I will stop thinking like that. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointment. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments.

Maybe we should concentrate, as in concentrate hard on being friends for now. Learn about each other again, learn about ourselves, rediscover each other. We never started to be friends, we were colleagues, then lovers. Yes, that's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.

I feel so much like fainting now...

Why didn't you work with me when you could, when you felt that something was wrong?

Why are you taking it all on yourself, when I could and wanted to share it all with you?

Why didn't you give me a chance to work with you in this?

Why are you so magnanimous now? Just because you feel that this is the best for me? Who gave you the authority to decide what's best for me?

Why did you take matters into your own hands?

Why are you so selfish?

Why are you so caught up in your own warped ideas?

Why can't you be selfish again this time?

Where have you gone?

I hate feeling like this so much. Like everything's not within my control, everything's up to an unknown factor that no one knows, that may happen, or may never happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want to let him decide what's best for me. I don't want him to do this. I want to go home and cry.

I'm tired, tired of crying.

I understand where everyone is coming from, and these have crossed my thoughts a hundred million times. You all know its hard to change my mind, cos I don't even know what I'm thinking at times, I can't think straight. Why am I letting him do this to me?

I've been talking about it so much, so much, I lost track of the events. What happened doesn't seem to be as significant anymore.

You told me not to keep dwelling in the details, in what happened, so that it'll be easier to let go.

I suppose in a way, you're doing slightly better cos you're able to differentiate work. Perhaps, mahjong is an escape for you. Next up, world cup, and after that, you'll be up on your feet again. At least that's how I perceive it.

I don't know how badly you're taking it, you don't seem to be very in touch with your feelings. You don't know if you have let me go. I just don't know if I CAN let you go.

You seem to be still into it, yet, trying to get out. Okay, that's me too.

I want you to be sad, yet I want you to be happy.
I want you to mope, yet I want you to smile.
I want you to grieve, yet I want you to laugh.
I want you to move on, yet I don't want you to let me go.

I'm a mess.

I wanted to be selfish, to keep reminding you of my existence, just so you won't move on so quickly. My angel tells me to do what's best for you, even if you don't want me to contact anymore. Just so that you'll be happy.

I've been telling everyone the same thing and I know it in my heart too. If I don't move on, I'll never find the one person who's truly meant for me. But what if you're the one who's truly meant for me and I go one big round finding the one and I can't get back here cos you have moved on without me?

That's life, I know.

I just want to be selfish for once. Really selfish. Can I?

But I don't want to waste your time.

Damn it. What's wrong with me????

Goodbye my lover.

Thank you to those who lent a ear, a shoulder, lotsa tissues.

I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to start picking myself up, I don't know how to let go. Everything I did, everywhere I went, reminded me of times we spent together. I miss your hands. I miss your hugs. I miss your laughter.

I miss you.

I know I have to let go and move on. I know precisely what I have to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands. The nights are especially unbearable. The worst, the waking up, the realisation that its all NOT a dream. Its real. You're never going to wake up next to me again.

Part of me still refuses to let go, holding on to a tiny glimpse of hope that you'll be back for me. I know I shouldn't. I know I know I know. I deleted your number. You told me its still in my head. You told me that to inform you if I ever were to change my number. You got worked up when you misunderstood I didn't want to contact you anymore.

I know I'm in self denial. I know I'm helpless and lost. I lost myself. All I can think about the whole day is you, us, what could have been done, if only...
I hate the reflection in the mirror. I feel like a zombie. I can't eat, can't sleep. I know its not the end of the world. I know I can move on. I don't know how I'll react if he gets attached, or married.

I feel lost not messaging him, I've been messaging him everyday for the past 2 yrs plus. No more messages, no more calls, no more hands, no more hugs, no more laughter, no more us.

You saw me through my transition from a student to a working adult. You saw my tears, my laughter, my ignorance, my plans, my stubborness, my indecisiveness. You were my pillar of strength. Tell me how to be strong, when the pillar is down? Your simple touch gave me comfort and strength to go on. Now, your simple touch makes it so much harder to move on and let go.

My heart aches with regrets. I feel like I'm going to break down very soon. I want so much to hate you so I wouldn't hurt. I can't. You taught me alot of things, most importantly, to be independent and strong. Ironically, I became independent in some ways, yet emotionally, dependent on you. I was strong, cos I know somewhere behind me, you'd be giving me support. Its different now. I'm all alone.

I never despised or doubted your abilities. You know it. I was falling deeper while you were pulling out. Yes I agree, its a pity. A pity for us. I want to undo it. I don't want to undo it. I don't know.

Believe in yourself baby, you know you are much more than what they see. I know it. We didn't manage to prove everyone wrong. Our relationship of 2 yrs 2months was a total test of endurance, faith, commitment, devotion and acceptance. I'm sorry for what I did during the past week, it was all cos I was too afraid I'd lose you. Yet, the more I wanted you back, the more I was pushing you away.

Yesterday, was supposed to mark our 2 years and 2 months, the day we first held hands.

Yesterday, marked the day we start our separate lives once again.


I lost a lover.

I gained a best friend.

Where we go from here, only heaven knows...

2 years 2 months.

It still hurts.

But I'll move on. So will he.

Its better this way for both of us. I'll heal. Sooner or later.

Thanks for everything, ben ben de.

A game of tug of war

It seems like the both of us isn't letting go.


I'm gonna lie low for now. Watch and observe.

Please make sure I do it.

Let me go...

The past 3 days feel like an eternity. The days seem exceptionally long, the nights are no better.

I was shocked when I saw you yesterday. I didnt know what to do, and everything I had planned seem to crumble when I saw you. I've never seen you so lost before. It scares me.

2 days isn't really a long time if you think about it. But what will come out of the 2 days and beyond is what I dare not face. I don't want you to feel obligated to stay. Perhaps this really matters alot to you, but somehow, its not enough. Its just not enough.

If you'd just let me go, things wouldn't have turned so ugly. Instead, you're holding me on a string, refusing to let me go, but not being able to pull in the string. It hurts 10 times worse this way, for both of us.

I know deep down inside, even if we survive this mountain climb, things will really never be the same again. Even though there's a possibility that we could really come out strong enough to withstand all storms.

When you wanted it quits, I was ready to go. To give it all up and heal on my own. You then told me not to leave. Now I'm confused. So terribly confused. It seemed to affect you more than it affected me. I felt so helpless. At that very moment, both of us were struggling inside. We were struggling so hard to decide whether to follow our minds, or our hearts.

I have half a mind to call it quits too. The other half tells me to stay and take it slow. This is not the person I want to become, but I dont know what else I can do. I blame her for appearing. I blame myself for not being firm. I blame you for everything that you did.

Now, you seem to be pushing me away, but whenever I take a step away, you pull me back. For a reason you cant identify too. I dont know what you want, you dont know what you want too.

You're just plain selfish. You dont want to lose everything in one shot.

I don't hate you, though I wish I did. Just to cover and numb the pain.

Round and round the mulberry bush

Its been a tough 2 weeks. Went emotionally uphill and downhill on a rollercoaster ride.

Being so easily contented, the chapter closes for now, but it has been bookmarked for easy reference.

As for now, I'm recovering from those sleepless nights and mental tortures. This calls for many episodes of self indulgence.

Not forgetting, a very happy birthday to you dear! Its a day for celebration! You're getting older!

A love letter

After writing out how I feel and what I think like 4 times, everything seems less significant and I am reminded of us being happy. I'm just waiting for him to tell me what he thinks.

I need a proper closure one this.

In the meantime, I need my comfort food.

I wish I could turn back time

Now I wish I'd book tickets for April instead of July. July seems so far away now.
I daren't think too far. Nor plan too far.

An ambiguous reality.

"I will be with you always..."

Those words brought comfort, but not assurance.

I wanted so much to reach over and hold your hand. Yet, it felt like there was an invisible wall between us. Throughout the 30 minute journey, I simply could not reach out to you.

When you reached over and touched me, I wanted deep down inside to turn my head to smile back at you, like I always did. I didnt. I just looked out of the window, not knowing what to do.

Somehow, part of me acknowledges that the story is the way you said it. The intention in your messages puts me off. I told you last night I can't do this alone. You said you'll always be with me.

I hope its true. I really do.

Since I've given you and us another chance, you said for us to put this all behind us and come out stronger. You said we will.

I remember every single thing that you said. I'm holding you to that.

Meanwhile, I need time to heal, to patch myself up.

Its not gonna be easy to go back to where we came from.

Please just let it be a bad bad bad dream...

A blade just stabbed through my back and right through my heart. Where it hurts the most.

I can't think, my head hurts so bad.
I feel so drained, I just lay there the whole night, staring into space.

You made me believe so many things. Yet you ruined it all.

You said I passed the sentence too soon, too abrupt, without explanation, without forgiveness.

What you say makes sense, yet it doesn't.
It all somehow tallies, yet it doesn't.

I can't decide whether to believe you.
I can't decide whether to stay firm in my verdict.
I can't decide whether I'm a fool.

I woke up this morning, thinking, perhaps, its all just a bad bad dream. I wanted it so much to be so. Unfortunately, its not.

Perhaps, its a pebble in our path.
Perhaps, its a mountain we both have to cross.
Perhaps, there's no further road ahead to where we came from.

Big Boys' Toys

He bought a new phone yesterday. It was a looooonnnnggg wait for this day.



Without much persuasion from Mr Singtel Man, he gladly gave me his card to pay for the new toy. Should have seen the smile on his face. Beaming like a young kid with a new toy.

As the man says, "When I see people doing their business at my void deck, I'll can have evidence!"


Sometimes, I really wonder, how old he really is......

One boy, one girl.

I was told to create a new post so that it wont reflect so bad on my boyfriend.

He does piss me off to the max at times, but he has the ability to make me fall in love with him all over again every single time.

3 years sure sounds like a long time. Let alone for the rest of our lives.

I am so looking forward to our Bangkok trip.

Get lost.

I tell you I want to go Bangkok. You said some other time.
One week later, you said your colleagues invited you to Bangkok. You asked me to go along. I was so excited, I had no mood for work. You told me you let your assistant take leave and so you can't.
3 days later, you told me to take leave and go to Genting for a holiday over the weekend. I didnt want another disappointment, I kept quiet. As my hopes got up, I scouted around for available last minute bookings. I got clearance from my mother. Everything was perfect.
















You told me, "Let's postpone our trip."








I feel bloody cheated. I do not like you. Get lost.

my drama mama

I thought it'd be okay. I hoped that she'll be less biased. Seems like what she preach is not what she is.

I'm being grilled.

Right down to my toes.

She'll never make things easy for me. Perhaps, I should have persisted. And give her what she wants. Never mind that I'll not be happy. Just give me a break.

for me. for you. for us.

I'm glad things are clear now.

I'm happy I made the right decision.

Even though things may not run smoothly all the same, but I know I want things to work out. No matter how tough it is, I somehow feel that things will work out fine.

I want everyone to be happy for me.

my other half

I have absolutely no idea how I can be so sure about something, and yet hope that the impossible will come true. Highly contradicting I would say. These things have a way of squirming into my life, things that make me happy and over the stars and moon for a short period of time, and well, then it all ends, with me scratching my head wondering what happened and where did it go wrong. Perhaps, it's life's way of a reminder for me, or a wake up call that drills right through my left brain somehow.

By doing so, it churns out tons and tons of memories I left in some corner of my brain, it the wilted pages of my diary some time ago, forcing me to remember what I had forgotten. It's not entirely good though. More or less, it leaves me in a constant state of self-doubt, self-denial and confusion. It doesn't really help that I had never been good at deciding what is the best way out.

These incidents come like a smack on my face, they sting, they hurt. The groggy feeling lingers for a long, long time to come. Now that they happen pretty often, its actually more of a routine now. Yet, I do not sit here waiting for it to happen, I dont expect it to happen, I just know that they'll come some time or another.

Its actually tiring me out. This is partly why I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I have the tendency to not stay firm. Not totally meaning that I wont be faithful. But in alot of other ways. Perhaps marriage is the next step in a steady relationship. But that sure is one HUGE step.

At 20, going on 21, I'm really not sure if this is the right step to take, even if it means just getting engaged. Somehow the thought throws me off. As much as I want it to happen, I know that we can be happy. I'm excited by the process and all. Seeing him getting excited about it, asking bout flats, talking to me bout "after we get married, bla bla bla" and all, just makes me truly happy. The warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelms me and I just feel like sitting back, relaxing and watching him fuss over such stuff that seems too early to be carrying out.

I'm glad that what I wanted is now right before my eyes. That my efforts are starting to reap in rewards. I can tell he's excited by it too, and that he wants it so bad.

Perhaps, its just my mother.

I'm contented. I am.

denying

When one runs away, the other has to be the one giving chase. its somewhat a give and take situation. Not this time.

I honestly dont like to be treated this way, nor deserve to be treated this way.

Enough is enough.

Its either left or right. You only have 2 hands. Left hand. Right hand. No centre hand. how true...how true...

goodbye.

simply so.

i've been karma-ed.

i miss you bad. truly.

the distance feels so great. like the gap will never close up. as though it was really a dream. perhaps it is.

i no longer know how to approach you. sometimes i just feel like i shouldnt. sometimes i just want to hang in there. most of the time, i just wished i could simply turn back the hands of time.

...to just that precise moment. and leave it there.

Why doesn't everyone come with a guarantee or something? Something in the line of, guaranteed loyalty, guaranteed truthfulness or somewhat similar. Assurance is nothing. Its like buying insurance with a soon-to-be bankrupt insurance company. Talk is cheap.

At least a warning label of some sort would do fine, like a "Be careful of side effects" label to warn potential users of the possible dangers of using the "product". Trusting one's intuition cannot be relied on too much anyway. I probably live in a state of absolute self-denial. Throw me some nonsense I dont want to know, I'll develop selective hearing, selective memory and so on an so forth.

I'm currently in this state of "mind over my heart but sometimes, my heart is too strong for my mind" sort of mindset. It kills me. I honestly think that its going to be the bane of my life.

Strike the above out. I cant think. Kindly furnish me with some comfort, cos some part of me still isn't fixed. I'll numb, I'll heal, I'll take a step back to this vicious cycle again.

Triumph

Stop saying sorry. Sorry isn't going to change anything. After saying sorry too many times, it just becomes a normal word. It means nothing and it wont help ease the pain. Come to think of it, nothing you say now will make a difference. Its just there for me to find out for myself. It wasn't about me right from the start. Its about you. The decision was never in my hands. You controlled the game right from the start.

You took the easy way out, the road that required the least effort. I thought far and I thought deep. I thought I had you with me. You assured me that you would be. It's all crap,ya? Is it always this way? Suddenly I feel so tired. The lover in you gave up. The practical side of you triumphed. Thanks for nothing my dear.

I wish you all the best.

spun out of control.

...its all out of control.

The mess I created in 2005 was brought over to 2006, after adding more emotions, more understanding, more thought, more tears, more laughter, more love, more this and that. Sounds like a even bigger mess than it was. In a way it is, though I gained some light on some matters.

I suppose its better in a way now. I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.

On a side note, I went gown fitting with my cousin for her wedding. It seriously made me feel like getting married. For the gown! Haha
At the studio, I saw flashes of the possible future that maybe I shouldnt have.
Flashes of me and him..oh so scary! But it brought a smile to me.

Anyway, I'm so excited about the wedding its driving me nuts. Ok, no. Everyone else is driving me nuts. I cant imagine if I'm the one getting married. I think I'll age prematurely before the big day and look like an old hag.

I dont have much expectations in 2006. I just want to go with my plans and go with the flow abit. My priority is for the mess to clean up and for the happily ever after to unfold... happy dreaming..

I'm getting married next year.

You said you're thinking of settling down next year. With me, I presume. I just realised I'm supposed to be getting married next year! Why didnt I know about this big piece of news? Am I supposed to be involved? Is it my wedding, your wedding or OUR wedding? I can guess what you're thinking now, try harder to guess your thinking 2 years down the road, but I dont know if I can go on doing this for the rest of my life.

Come next year, I'll only be 22. Ever came across your mind whether I want to settle down? This are your plans. Whatever happened to MY plans? You talk about marriage like its just climbing the next step into our relationship. In a way it is, then why do I feel like I'm pushing us through this, yet you have your own destination and I have mine?

Its not about "We're doing fine now. So I suppose we can proceed to Stage 2, which is marriage." . Its more of "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I can see that happening". You belong to the former. I belong to the latter. Our paths weave in and out, sometimes, we reach for common goals, sometimes we dont. Now, it seems like its more of the donts.

I never ever thought that I would be making a decision about marriage at 20. Neither do I still want to do that. It has never been in my plans at all.

It seems like all these effort I've put into our relationship, or you can say my relationship, I'm the only one doing so. It feels like you're just enjoying the process. Its no longer about what was before. Now, its between you and me.
I can spend ages trying to change your mindset, without a guarantee whether you'll change, but thats not what being married is about, not even what being together is about.

If I break up with you, its not because I no longer love you. I still do. In fact, highly likely more than you love me. It'll be because, I dont see a future for us, cos I dont want to change you to accomodate us, cos I want us to work together and not me alone. You love yourself more than anything or anyone and because of these, I'm hurting so bad inside.

I am happy she's happy.
I am happy they're happy. I really am.

I think I'm 30 trapped in a 20 year old body. I have forgotten how to have fun. I have forgotten what is pocket money. I have forgotten what it feels like to not have bills to pay for. I have forgotten what its like not to have financial burdens. I have forgotten what its like to have all day to chill.

But, I have not forgotten what its like to...

Share a glass of ice water among 4 people.

Sit by the steps for tidbits.

Sit in the library for hours.

Eat pai gu mian.

Laugh till I cry.

Cook pasta and instant noodles for 8 people together with 7 people.

Drink bubble tea.

That was 4 years ago. Feels like 10. I feel deprived of youth. Maybe I really am.

Work was never a necessity.
Neither was the need for practicality.

a place like no other

Something is wrong with the picture now. VERY wrong.

I want it from you.

finally he's leaving the job, at least planning to.

For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.

Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.

Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.

I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.

I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.

Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.

I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.

Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.

As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.

Its a feeling I can't explain. But it's a warm and fuzzy feeling.

i realised.

how you can learn your own faults through others' values.

how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.

how you can mean so much to a person.

how much a person can mean to you.

how quality of time counts and not quantity.

how simple words can make a person's day.

how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.

a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.

its just to say the right things at the suitable times.

dashes of sugar

i feel neglected.

i feel sad.

i feel horrible.

i start detaching myself.

then you make me fall in love with you all over again.

i didnt see that side to this.

if that's going to let him feel better, just let it go. since that person can help him when i cant, why dwell in it so much. its just going to make things worse than before.

let it be, shall you?

maybe you should go back to that person. that person can help you in more ways than i can. that person can make your life better. that person is so much more well-equipped to do so.

unlike me.

for your own good. maybe for that person too. maybe you have been deluding yourself. maybe so has that person been.

maybe i should go back to where i came from.

when everything seems to be in place, something seems to be missing. a void. some hollow place somewhere, neglected.

i miss Christopher. i miss his healing massages. the kind that seem to reach the inside of your heart and tell me everything's gonna be fine. not that things aren't fine. they just aren't not fine. in fact i think he went missing. must be burying himself in his tutorials. AGAIN.

some things become scarier the more you think about it, though it may not be happening in the near future, yet, it starts to haunt you.

i think i'll go back to studying next year. if all goes well. part-time. i cant afford to not work. i dont have people feeding me.

bewildered.

i suppose its naive and too much of me to expect things to go back to how they were. as true as these words are, what's done cannot be undone. i've forgotten how it started, what happened. all i remember is the end, which leaves me bewildered.

i remember swiss times. i remember breko times. i remember the new year's eve we had. i feel like laughing.

i remember so many things. so many many things it swirling in my head.

i think i shall pop by xue er's shop on sunday. i miss her so much all of a sudden.

i hate it when things are not within my control. or things go out of hand and dont go according to my plan. many times, i cant plan. i just have to go with the flow and make things work out. i hate his job. i cant complain. but i want him to stay on.

its this grey area that cant be touched upon cos he hates the consequences his job brings but doesnt want to leave. i think its killing both of us. i'm practically working part time in his company cos i help him with his work. i pick up after him the pieces he misses out and tie up the ends he leaves behind cos he only has enough time in a day to go thru the big chunks.

most of the times i have to fit my schedule into his just so he can get his work done in time cos to him a day's work has to be completed in the same day. time just dont stop for anyone. we're practically making merry in a pile of crap. its not much but its significant.

i miss the old times. but i prefer the now. get what i mean? i dont.

can things get any worse? i'll just grit through it.

simple and nice.

i miss the times....

the simplicity of things
the hope the anticipation we had for the future
the plans
the dreams

the things that used to be simple arent simple anymore. the hopes we had all dashed. the plans? long gone with the wind. the dreams, remain solely as dreams. i see the photos and it pricks. things happen for a reason.

i've got a new job!

new job..new bosses.

spent the first week pretty much slacking cos my bosses arent in town. today one of them came back and i got some real work to do. i hate overseas calls cos i can never figure out what codes i'm supposed to use. but its fun.

think monday the other is supposed to come back. means one more big boss to handle. goodness. means i have to walk twice as fast, follow up work twice as fast.

i hope this job will last...seems like a job with prospects. cant wait till my probation is over and i can get leave to go on a holiday. i've been working non stop....

the hours are better though i got to wake up earlier. plus i got a chaffuer to and fro work! arent i lucky!

i hurt myself to cover another pain

i will get out because you want me out. i shall spare you the agony of seeing me around. dont say i didnt try, cos i've always asked if it was okay that i was around. maybe my attempts to get you guys out were not appreciated. just yourselves one question. after so many years, have you ever remembered my birthday? when was the last time you celebrated my birthday?

i dont have to know. and i dont want to know the answers. it may be a very small thing. but it mattered. though not anymore. since a long time ago. i've gotten used to it.

shoot me.

yes i'm the bad guy here. i'm the one who created the mess. go ahead. point your fingers at me. call me names. ignore me. assume i'm this, assume i'm that. question what i did. question what i did not.

go ahead and say it behind my back. go ahead and criticise me. go ahead and condemn me. go ahead.

cos its driving me nuts. to the extent i expected it. i knew all these was coming. why bother explaining and calling truce in the first place. i'm talking about myself not you. i never said all those things. so dont put words in my mouth. i explained things cos i didnt want misunderstandings between us. what was i doing? what i say are my own thoughts. so dont use that against me.

thats it. this shall be the last i have and will be saying regarding this matter.

all these aside....

work's scary. i just caused someone to pay like $700 plus more than he needed to pay. and i nearly not collect $800 plus from somebody. work's fun. people's great. i'm glad i'm moving on. but its tiring. i finish work only at 8 everyday. goodness. and raffles place is a war zone during lunch.

underneath my skin

finally....it ends....

joke's over. the end.

i walk around alone pretty much these days. gives me lots of chances to think. think about what happened, what has yet to happen, what should have happened but did not...

a small retreat alone makes a difference. its like taking a step back from things to see it in a larger picture. does it all mean anything?

i was a joke, maybe i still am. i'm gonna try my best to change that.

think...
laugh...
learn...
move on.

no one waits for people to wake up and get moving. in fact, no one waits. they just move further and further away from you.

small doses of these makes you drowsy

maybe its only at the very end...till we really start seeing what was at the beginning...

sudden brush with death

i think i shall faithfully go early to my grandparents' place this saturday. maybe what happened was a warning to me, or maybe it was a coincidence. but it hit me real hard. right smack where it hurt the most.

sometimes its such things that make me stop and think. why am i putting so much importance in the things which do not require much attention, yet taking for granted stuff that are important to me.

i dont want people i love to die. please dont.

tears dont flow and i wonder why

i hate interviews. i hate people asking me to describe myself. how on earth do you expect me to answer that?! i hate this part where i'm neither here nor there. oh. i'm somewhere. i'm unemployed.

everything's a blur now. everyday all i do is look at job ads, job ads, classified ads, MORE job ads, MORE classified ads, send resumes, send emails, send EVEN MORE resumes. thats all. feel like taking a longer break before i start work. go for a holiday, enjoy myself, have a clear mind before moving on to the working world. the thing is, if i dont look for a job now, i dont know how long i'll take to get a job. what if. just what if. choy choy choy. i dont get a job for months. i'll be living on bread and maggie mee everyday. i'll rot and die of extreme flour poisoning. and BALD. goodness!

it used to be me working among my poly mates. the only one. now, i'm the only unemployed creature around. i'm gonna get a job. though i dont feel like working in a big company, i like small and cosy offices. i shant be choosy for now. i dont have the qualities to be choosy.

i miss studying. or rather. i miss knowing that for the next couple of years, i dont have to worry about having a job, having a route in life. it used to feel like "i still have 2 more years to worry about getting a job. think so much for what?". now its different. i feel old. can i not grow up?

interview's next week. i guess i'll have to put aside such thoughts. no use crying over the past. i mean since my life's moving on and time doesnt wait, i have to move on with it to right? i cant stay here sitting around missing old times and thinking about what i USED to do. i've got to think ahead, grow up to suit and adapt to stuff around me.

i admit i procrastinate. though i hate it when people pressurise and push me into things, i appreciate their intentions. sometimes i just need a push. sorry my dearest people around me. sorry for snapping.

12th June 2005

i never thought i'll leave this place before everyone else. i thought i'd see it close, help to close it like how i helped open it. it turned out otherwise.

as i left i kept telling myself. i made the right decision. i cant hold on to something that wont be there for long. true, that place means a lot to me. it was the place i had so much fun with my friends, where we would laugh till we teared. it was also the place i met my boyfriend. the place i learnt so much from. but one cant hold on to these sentiments and live like there's no tomorrow. soulfood isnt going to last past one month. and i got a whole lot more to think and worry about.

i hope you understand. i do want to stay and help out as much as i can. but things are getting harder. its getting harder for me to drag myself to work, to look forward to whatever the day is going to bring me. it has become a routine. a routine i dread and cant wait to leave behind.

like what i said, i dont want work to contribute or a cause of our fights. its not worth it. work is work and i wont bring it out of where it should be. i'm tired of things going on there. tired of the vicious cycles that happen and happen again. i need a break. i need to have time to think for myself. i need time to think about what i want and what i'm going to do. i want you to be the friends i turn to outside work, where i can grumble and complain about work, and not having to worry that whether what i say will affect us at work.

it isnt really a great day like what i originally thought. it was harder to leave than i thought and expected. but, there is still a sense of relief. i still feel pangs of regret here and there. i still wonder whether i made the right decision. whats done is done. i've quit. now i feel lost. i dont know what i'm going to do tomorrow.

i'm officially unemployed.

i dont like to be at home.

maybe its the lack of emotional belonging that i feel this way. the only time when i feel like being at home is when i know that i'm the only one and everyone is out and that i can do what i want to do. even at home i'm restricted. this lack of emotional belonging is a feeling i'm used to. since young, i've gotten used to the feeling of being more attached to other people, friends, neighbours etc, more than anyone else in the family.

home. home is just a noun. a noun i call a place i live in. it means nothing much actually. my mother is my mother. not a mum. i've never called her "my mum". it has been "my mother". like i've always envied others, when they are able to sit down and really talk to their mums. like have fun, joke, make fun of, cry, laugh with their mums. i've tried to talk to her. but too many times have i been shut out that i stopped trying. an attempt to talk to her, is equivalent to a greater attempt to interrogate me. interrogate in the sense as in "you did something wrong but you're not telling me." or "so, your friends did this, did you do it to?" it puts me off. totally. to the extent i no longer talk at home.

in recent times, i even stopped spending time at home. i've been going out since before daybreak till after the sun sets. basically i never see the sun. i feel better outside. its just the feeling of being out. leaving the house and locking the door behind me is a feelign of relief. a relief from a hated routine that has been supposedly cultivated in me.

words like "you better behave yourself outside", "you are old enough. so you should know what to do and what not to do", "remember. no alcohol. no smoking. no bla bla bla.", "you went drinking right?" etc. anyone would know i dont smoke. ANYONE. my mother makes me feel like i'm some cheap girl hanging outside. oh yes. one more. "girls dont stay out so late. girls should behave properly. its a dangerous world outside. so you should stay at home. are you out with a guy?" plus various attempts to hint to me that i should not be some slut and project some slutty image to guys.

i'm used to it really. though it still hurts from time to time. times when i really wished that i could have a better relationship with her. times that i see other people go out with their mums. times when i wish i could just stay at home and talk to her. times when i can tell her what nice stuff my bf did for me. times when i need to let off stress. times when i can just cry to her. but i'm really really used to it. these stuff just goes into a ear and comes out through the other. i'm well trained.

after 2 nights outside. i dont miss home at all. i dont even have the feeling of going back. i'm just going back cos i have to. not because i want to. to her, my house is my hotel. to me, its just a place i have to be in at the reported times.

all but a surprise

its all but something foreseen.

contradiction isnt good. maybe sometimes, the perfect and happy ending has to be created. fix the pretty pieces and ugly pieces together. only then, can they compliment each other to become your beautiful picture.

nutshell

i want to live in my shell...
a shell of protection i hold with all my loved ones inside
keep things simple and nice
seeing the things i want to see
dont care if i rot and wilt
thats how you grow and learn
can i not?
do i have a choice?
is it within my control?
refusing to grow and move on isnt the way to block out unhappiness
what happened to the world i knew
where has the people i knew gone to
what am i now
a nobody
insignificant

cross-junctions

i'm scared. freaking terrified.

tell me how to get someone back to his feet with a job, a steady income and the belief that things will turn out well, and that it is okay to plan for the future? someone who's just lost his job, havent been able to get a job, set back with debts, and debts that seem neverending, and desperately needs to get over his debts in order to get up and moving with his life no matter how much he wants to.

i dont know how.

all i can say and can do now is just to be there to motivate. to listen. to support.

i'm worried. so is he. but, being stuck in a line thats so diverse and yet restricted, isnt something very encouraging. i dont want him to be on the verge of selling his house, or even worse, to the extent of bankruptcy. his house, his home. a place he retreats every single day. a place he can call his own. now, i'd rather he went to vietnam. may be i'll lose him totally if he went, maybe the single and yet attached feeling would drive me nuts, maybe only being able to see him every 2 months would make me change my mind, maybe the thought of him bringing home a vietnamese bride will drive away my sanity, but at the very least, i know that he's fine and he'll be able to get on with his life and settle his debts.

i cant explain how i feel, cos a thousand thoughts are rushing through my mind right now and i cant type fast enough to explain. my face is aching trying to hold back the tears though he isnt here right now. i thought. i believed, that after that episode, i'd be able to share with them. i dont need advice cos i know no one can help. i just need someone to listen. someone for me to cry to. i've tried time and time again to talk to them. it doesnt help by not getting even an acknowledgement.

i thought that after that episode, maybe we'll at least try to talk. apparently i was wrong. its like, one day we're fine, and one day we're not. i dont know what the hell is happening. they said, they lost me. have i not lost them too? my stand will remain the same, and so shall theirs. i dont see how any more debates will get us anywhere. when i wanted to talk, was anyone willing to listen.

for one, do not judge my boyfriend because of the number of jobs he had or how quickly he changed jobs cos no one, including me, can truly understand how much he had to endure while in those jobs. he didnt ask for a ridiculous boss, did he?

they can say i havent tried hard enough. i've tried proving this point time and time again. it still wasnt enough. i still love them as my friends, but if this is the point thats going to repeat itself again and again. i wonder how much time they spend judging me and evaluating me. i know i wont be able to convince them how much i value them, but if they truly believe they havent had me, i am speechless.

my point is still valid to me, though thats all i have to say. you guys probably dont trust me that much after all. i will still ask u guys out once in a while, one thing i can be sure is it wont be often which i'm sure you guys know best, but i'm not so sure whether you will turn up anot. but for now, take care and i sincerely and honestly love you guys and will definitely be there when you need me, whether you believe anot.

a few days ago, i told farena and yk at work that i was dying. cos i was getting this headaches constantly after hitting my head. i still am but i'm not going to do anything about it. i exaggerated of cos i'm not going to die. i'm really still looking forward to the day that i can drive and make my father sit in the back of the van. haha. but i am one who thinks alot, in fact, lots of out of this world stuff, i can imagining myself dying and getting hit by a car and stuff. but i'm too gutless to really go out there and do it. not totally because i'm gutless.

but really because i honestly believe that there's alot more worth living for. everytime things get really bad for me, i know deep down inside, i'm not the only one deep in shit. and if they can get their feet going, why cant i? i love doris. she's one incredible woman. doris, if you're reading this, i know things have been hard on you, though i dont know whats really going on or whether you're going to tell me, but no matter what happens, you still have us and most importantly your kids. when it gets too hard, take a short break and move on. your kids are doing that. no matter how bad things can go, i'm sure you know that things wont remain like that forever. so smile, and you can scold me all you want. i'm used to it anyway. =) and really doris, we all really love you alot!

cheers to winson, que sera sera.


last words, love yourself.

love him. hate him.

i'm kind of enjoying the school-less days now. though i know i should get my ass off the chair and go get a job. i need the money. pay off my driving lessons and start saving up money. isnt easy to not be able to spend and shop and having to watch how much i spend, but i have to i guess. its getting harder and harder.

guess ah jie's right. both of us have finally gotten our priorities right. or rather me. i think by not putting so much focus on where our relationship is heading makes it simpler and less pressurising on the both of us. we're having a whole lot more fun and we can talk about alot more stuff now. knowing that we support each other in whatever decision both of us make, and knowing that he's there to guide me along. its nice. the main focus in his life now is to get his career back into shape in order to think bout other things. whereas for me, i want to get my next step right and start off on the right foot. i love spending time with him now, even if i have to spend time watching tv alone at his place. cos somehow, he's making it a point to talk to me and get me involved in whatever he's doing ever since i told him how i felt.

i look at him now in a different light now that i've straighten things with myself, and i love him a whole new level up. the tingles are starting to come back and i'm happy to know that he's trying very hard to make sure everything goes well. basically i think i just drive him mad cos i'm constantly making him do silly stuff. do not ask me what. but they're real dumb. trust me.

times like i would purposelly call when i know he's watching tv just to irritate him, times when i bombard him with messages that he do not understand, times that he's forever stealing my munchies, times that he would purposelly make me do stuff so that he can laugh at me, times that he talk in his sleep asking me to call his platoon sergeant. and not forgetting the 67 missed calls and the many times he locks his keys in his room and get stuck in the living room waiting for help to come.

i shall end this night with a smile on my face.

be silent.

i'm shutting out.

shutting out unwanted and undesired noise. NOISE.

shutting out everything i dont wish to hear. dont wish to hear.

shutting out images i dont want to see. i wish i can.

shutting out the rising anger in me.

trying very hard to keep quiet.

trying very hard to keep my mouth shut.

trying very hard to keep my cool.

trying very hard to get her voice out of my head.

trying very hard to not hear her sarcasm.

i shall shut up.

____________________________________

stupid ideas. keep repeating the same old stuff. keep bringing out the past issues and repeat them over and over again. very fun right? grumbling, complaining, screaming, threatening, self-pitying is all you do. wow. i'm impressed. cos you thought me nothing all these years. all i remember from my childhood is YOU accusing me of stealing your money. a mere $5. when i did not even see or take. YOU put it in the wrong bag. YOU accused me. YOU didnt say sorry. YOU thought i was just a child and it was okay to put the blame on me. you say i treat the home as a hotel? then tell me. what is it at home do i look forward to?

for so many years, i open the door. every single time, its an empty home. no, you cannot go out. no, you have to stay at home. no, you cannot go to your friends' house. no, you cannot stay out late. no, its not right for a girl to come home late. no, you cannot stay overnight at the chalet. no this no that. call yourself my parents. you say i waste your money and waste your electricity. i stay out. i earn my own money. i dont take a single cent from you. yet you say that you're still supporting me. my foot. since how long ago have i not taken a cent from you. when it comes down to the point that i'm totally broke and in desperate need of money, i take money from you. and you can harp on it for ages. you dont treat me as a person, so why should i try so hard?

i shall shut up too. cos i'm stuck with her.

ignorance is bliss

the twists and turns of the story so dark. the story which cannot be told. this dark and hidden tale none other than the involved will know. those who hurt will hurt in silence. those who enjoy should enjoy discreetly, yet its all in the light.

what shouldnt have happened has happened and my heart aches for the innocent. the innocent is of no stranger yet made one for no reason. doesnt anyone deserve any respect here? doesnt anyone deserve to be treated the way they should be? its all but a vicious cycle. its all but a thrill. its all but something i cant help. i'd like to warn, yet thoughts of the innocent holds me back.

when a person knows something that he/she isnt suppose to know, yet it concerns him/her, and he/she should do something but cannot do anything, wouldnt it hurt like hell? it reminds me of what winson said, its all but just a masquerade. wear a mask, face the world. put that smile and hide whatever you want. thats just how its done isnt it? i can feel, i can hurt, i can see, so why force myself to wear that mask? hide those thoughts and those fears? i guess, as what they say, it just has to happen this way. cos in a way, it still protects the innocent in one way or another.

-----------------------------------------------------------

fiona's leaving soon. on wednesday night in fact. we're going to have a farewell dinner for her tonight at soulfood and yk's gonna cook pasta and cream of mushroom!!! yayyy!!! i'm drooling already. though she hasnt been all that close, we had shared thoughts and laughter and definitely breakfasts at work. as irritating as her whining can be, guess i'll still miss her somewhat. she's fine without her whining, just that she's used to whining to frank, so she thats more or less the way she speaks. maybe we'll meet each other sometime somewhere someplace when she gets back from shanghai, no one knows. but for now, i wish her all the best. goodbye FioNA~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and boy, am i looking forward to the farewell dinner.

enough.

to juan:

enough is enough.

i've taken a step back, so wont you quit talking and bringing up the past repeatedly? cant you just let things go and give that leeway for some changes to be made? its not going to help or change anything if you keep on mentioning it. anyway, the blogskin is a default blogskin and i do not need to explain to anyone which blogskin i use. is that an issue too?

stop the tagwar and whatever stuff. where is all these going to lead to? doesnt mean i dont say a thing means i dont care. i just see no point in going on with all these. does quarrelling undo whatever happened? if you say you call me a friend, be nice and not say such things about me when you're angry.

i'm not going to promise that i will meet up very often with you all immediately. but i'm just saying, give me more time to try. dont keep these things and give it to me at one go. its not easy to handle.

i'm not trying to out talk anyone here or explain anything to anyone. i still believe in what i believed in. a friend is a friend forever. there is no such thing as giving a friend up. to me, our gatherings are special. it doesnt have to happen often but its all treasured. believe me. when you see the world through my eyes and feel what i feel, and still think its totally my fault, then go ahead and criticise me. i'll listen. everyone has faults. so please stop harping on mine and stop those harsh words. an attempt is all i need.

as i try to meet up more often, i really hope you'll give in a little. saying i'll always be there means i'll always be there. though more emotionally instead of physically. please try to understand that. and fyi, why i didnt ask eve out on her bday, cos remember i asked you whether we going out on her birthday, you said most probably no, cos you had to study for your papers and wont be going out. so i asked you if we were going out the following week, you said yes. do not put words into my mouth.

thats all.

great day. been called a betrayer by 2 of my closest friends and scheming by my mother. rounded up with my boyfriend screaming into the phone at me. not mentioning the physical hurt. great.

to juan and eve:

this thing has been going on for so long and guess we better talk about it once and for all. first of all, you said you dont see me trying hard enough. what is enough? if you say to be tolerant and patient, have you done so with me? do you know what i'm going through for the past year? things have changed yes. i do not deny that. doesnt mean i have other friends means i forgo our friendship. to me, it is not the number of the times we meet up, its knowing that i will be there whenever you need me. how much do you know about whats happening now? ever tried harder to see things from my point of view? i work hard to prove my mother wrong. i work hard to prove people who think i cannot make it wrong. do you understand?

its not a matter whether how many times i ask you out or its everytime that you ask me out? isnt the outing the most important thing? if i dont message you, does it mean i forget about you? if thats the way it is with you, i dont know what to say. i can never out talk both of you. you count the times i dont call you, i dont go out, you think the reasons i give are excuses. have you counted the times i've asked you out, counted the times i tried so hard to organise birthdays, counted the times i've been there, counted the times i've been accused of betrayal?

talking about betrayal. you say i betray the friendship by telling farena about what we discussed. then telling yk about it isnt betrayal? i'm not putting the blame on you. but please, just for once, listen to what i have to say. it hasnt been easy trying to convince the both of you that i'm still a friend and that i'm always here. times like yesterday, i didnt know a single shit about both of you going out. how was i supposed to make it a point to go out with you? maybe i HAVE to call you out. i DO talk to you in msn dont i? i DO msg you from time to time right? can you say an absolute NO?

so after all these, its just a "she deserves to cry". thats all i mean to u.

maybe the schedule thing was just a platform for you to get into this topic. but, whatever it is, accusing me of betrayal is something that i need to clarify. have you told others about it? if yes, is that called betrayal. you say i dont get it. do both of you get it? i'm not trying to defend myself. i'm trying to get you guys to see the way i see things.

the special place in my heart

read xue er's blog. after so long, somehow or other i managed to come across it.

she had a story about the jing jang gang. our jing jang gang. it brought back so many memories to me.

brought together by fate. all because of our seating arrangement. we were a noisy bunch of friends. most of the time screaming and squealing in laughter. especially during maths lessons. we used to stand up together cos we didnt do our homework. we used to piss the hell out of Mrs Yap our physics teacher and Mrs Mano, our beloved Maths teacher who taught us a whole lot of stuffs.

memories of the jing jang gang are of chicken mee with lots of chilli, pai gu mian, custard chicken, bubble tea at west mall, spicy chicken, takopachi, maggie mee, cup noodles, ice cream, spaghetti and a whole lot more. we used to chill, relax, talk, dream, gossip, bitch, study together at all possible places. library, west mall, juan's house. we even skipped school to study! how ironic. but thats us.

all of us in the jing jang gang are so different in personalities. all so different yet we somehow fitted together. we were so crazy. man! i miss those days. we had talks about getting good results together, opening a cafe together, renting a place and moving out together, getting married and get all the rest as bridesmaids etc etc. however, what we didnt realise is that the poor last girl to get married wouldnt have a bridesmaid at all! silly us.

this simple and carefree life didnt seem to last. we got into poly, we spread further though still connected by that thin line of fate. all of us blossomed. now young, fine ladies blooming into the beautiful flowers we all are.

yet, the meetups are getting more and more patronising. knowing we all go to each gathering with hopes that it'll be how it used to be, filled with wholesome laughter and sincere concerns, but we all know deep inside, things arent the same any more.

we managed to succeed in one thing. we told each other that our group is going to expand. we're going to bring boyfriends and girlfriends along on gatherings. ultimately, we'll meet up over tea with husbands and wives and children in tow. we're on our way there. we're too big a group now to find a decent eating place but we make do.

it touched me so much to read what xue er wrote. we watched each other grow up. and we're still together as a group. no one can change that. it's all up to us. i still look forward to each gathering knowing we'll have fun, but we all have our own paths. with this in mind, we'll support and lend that listening ear and shoulder or tears of joy or sorrow whenever needed.

regardless how far we drift or how much we change, the jing jang gang will always have that special place in my heart. i still love you guys. but boy....we're getting old. its been 4 years since we graduated!

wrecked

If i had to make a choice to give up one of my senses, i suppose it would be not to talk.

I dont mind having to use my hands to talk, cos sign language is actually such a beautiful language.

but the true reason is that the world would actually be such a simpler place if everyone spent more time listening. cliche. but come to think of it true. if we think before we speak, lots of stuff can actually be avoided. though you may feel terrible at the start, its actually a blessing to be able to listen to people. i mean real listening.

i'll be graduating unofficially in 2 days time. right now, i'm supposed to give my best for this final project in order to graduate with at least some glory despite the terrible results i have obtained throughout the 3 years of polytechnic education. i'd never really paid much attention to people who say that studying is actually better than working, cos i'd always thought that it depends on what kind of job you're doing. whether you enjoy it anot.

but now, when i'm actually literally on the chopping board, it scares the hell out of me. not knowing what to expect, not knowing the exact direction to go, cos you have to make the first step in order to make your future seem brighter or something like that. i no longer have a definite path, like primary school to secondary school to jc/poly blah blah blah. for now, my future seems bleak, seems so unclear, foggy. every step i take is so tiny in fear of screwing my entire life up. i want no regrets. i know how it feels to regret something so bad you actually feel like killing yourself to ease the pain. contradictingly, you'll never know till you try. no pain no gain.

i want to graduate with a smile on my face. seeing the past 3 years flash past me with me laughin happily. i want my parents to be proud of me, i want my boyfriend to say that he's proud of me once again. and i want people to congratulate me that i'm graduating. i want to feel that i'm able to make my own decisions and not be tied down by projects and stuff once again. ignore my thoughts of further education for the time being.

its a whole new world out there now. at this very moment, i have so much eagerness to start a job i love yet i know how hard that possibility is. how little my chances are. i tell myself, i'll embrace each change with optimism and hope. making it work for myself. i want to depend on no one else.

after all these, i shall now go back to my dreaded final project once again though i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing or what i have to do but i shall complete it and present it on Tuesday (290305) with pride. cos its something i've struggled with for the past whole year. with so many sleepless nights and endless project meetings and terrible deadlines to meet.

wish me luck my dear friends....i'll need your support alot.

minding my own business

so its wrong to care. wrong to be concerned. wrong to be a friend.

since you insist that you're right and its YOUR problem, i shall step out of this totally. i wont bother anymore. you can insist whatever you think is right. and do it your way. vice versa. its all up to you.

i'm just being biased. i'm just being nosey. i'm just gossiping. i'm wrong to be disappointed. i'm wrong to watch out for you as a fren. i'm just being unreasonable for making you see things MY way.

i'll leave you alone. and him. and the other him. whatsoever. do what u deem fit.

i'm outta here.

draw the line

i've lost respect for him. if you wanna play, know your limits. and dont do it so blatantly. it disgusts me. if you wanna know what i think and why i'm so pissed, its cos you cant draw the line. make that line clear and you still wanna do this, at least i still have that little respect for you. you say you try, okay, fine, i shall take my words back for now and see what you're planning to do. make your life and hers simple and hell for everyone else.

maybe its not what i think it is, but what you say and how you behave are contradictions. we have eyes to see. anyway, its your life. i'll just remind you and i'll stay out of it. i'll be around. definitely. but keep the benefits to yourself.

anyway, i had fun. met up with eve, juan and far. had fun like always. went for a hair cut just to satisfy our craving. not much difference physically. great delight though. i just want things this way. simple and fun. just us.

be brave for yourself.

i did something so brave today. something i havent been able to do.

he wanted to meet me. i said no. even though i wanted to.

i'm going to make him realise my existence. that he should start treating me right. and not take me for granted. but what i cant believe is, he was nice just now, messaged me how was my project and stuff, then said he shall not distract me anymore. and now he's playing mahjong.

never mind. he can play all he wants today. then i shall not meet him tomorrow, or the day after, or the day day after, until he comes looking for me. my guy friend treats me better than my boyfriend. a whole lot better. it does sting when i hear of the nice things that other boyfriends do for them. but what can i do? i've got to accept that you arent made up of sweet talk. its the effort baby. dont you see it? fine. i shall stop complaining and grumbling. i am going to do my project. i am going to concentrate. i am going to go to work tomorrow. i am not going to message you. i am going to study after work. i am not going to message you. i am not going to meet you. i am going to enjoy myself. and i am going to make you wake me up tomorrow. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

i gotta be brave.

there's something seriously wrong with my phone!

and i'm too broke to get a new one!! argh!!
so irritating...

i receive my messages like 1 hour after i'm supposed to receive them, or i dont receive them at all.

selective acceptance.

clever phone. dumb phone.

i procrastinate too much. i'm too indecisive. i'm too stubborn. i think too much. i'm too lazy. i'm too ugly. i hate to wake up early but i love working morning shifts. i put too much feelings into my relationships. i need to think through what i want. i need to know what i want.

the dust swept away

wont you be me for awhile
take my thoughts with you
bring my feelings with you
you'll know what i feel

i make myself feel
the burdens you have
the pressure you face
so you'll feel much better

cant you just be me
for that one day
you make me feel
like the tiniest of all dust

insignificant
unappreciated
clingy
the list just goes on

i'd try my best to smile
so you'd end the day so fine
at the end of my day
its a dark and lonely night

some things wont change
unless you truly want them to
that little more push and effort
is all i need from you

materials i have no use for
as much as i'd like to have
a simple gesture to make me smile
would brighten my entire week

i'd make things simpler for you
if only i could so
i'd try till i break
but its getting me nowhere

see me the way people do
not the dumb ass in your eyes
i wanna feel important
i just wanna be loved properly

thou shall learn

apparently my indecisiveness can kill someone...

he was so pissed at me cos i couldnt decide what to eat and where to go that he refused to talk to me and went to sleep for 2 hours, leaving me doing absolutely nothing constructive. we went for dinner at 8 45pm and he refused to hold my hand and crossed the stupid road without me. we didnt talk throughout dinner cos i refused to talk to him and was pissed at the fact that he was pissed at me and i had absolutely no idea what he was so pissed off about.

finally he gave in to me even though he was still pissed. BUT, i still had no idea what he was pissed about.

it didnt make any sense to me cos he was pissed at me and refused to talk to me. then he talked to me as though nothing happened. then he kissed me. then helloooo, whats going on here?!

to my dearest:

i'm sorry.

i know my indecisiveness has been hell for you. i know you want me to learn to make decisions and be more assertive and it gets you mad that i'm not learning. i'm trying. actually yesterday i was looking more for suggestions than a decision from you. i dont want to tell you, "hey lets go somewhere" then you'll be obligated to go with me but actually all you want to do is get some rest and do your stuff.

i'll learn.

i believe in karma.

some questions though. why is it that bad karma goes around and yet good karma awaits to be seen? high possibility the answer would be not now but someday. that leads me to question 2: when is that someday? what if i never live to that SOMEDAY?

i see him in his sleep, i love the way he looks. we had a rather brief but satisfying conversation today, while he accompanied me on the phone when i was on my way to work. or rather i was accompanying him when he was driving. he's so into taking courses now. he said if things work out well here, he doesnt want to go over to vietnam anymore. its good news for me of cos. just praying everything goes well. i know its tough on him and there's alot of things he has on his mind, so i try very hard, very very hard not to demand too much attention from him. but there are times, simple simple stuff that just pushes me over. of cos, i still keep my cool. just blabber alot of nonsense. forgive me.

he had a minor accident with the van yesterday and broke the rear glass panel of the van due to his negligence. apparently he wasnt thinking about how much it would cost, who's going to have to pay bla bla bla, but rather he was blaming himself for making such a stupid mistake. i kept telling him not to dwell over it cos what happened cannot be undone. at least he knows he should pay more attention to details in future.

its ironic how you can forget how you started disliking a person. you can put so much energy and effort into finding ways to make life hell for that person, spend so much time dwelling over it, and when it actually comes down to it, i bet you cant remember what the exact thing that person did to make u so mad. you wouldnt remember when it started cos you're too obsessed about getting to the end when you would vent your anger. you wouldnt look at the big picture, cos you're so eager to get to the next step of your plan. its all so amazing. how all this starts to fit into place. when you actually sit down to really think about things, you start to realise how all these is just going to fit into a single page of your life, one where you would look back and laugh yourself silly, hopefully, with no regrets.

back to square one. soon.

i've had fun working this week.

new faces, whole new craziness.

new plans, new roles great deal of office politics.

he'll be gone. single yet attached.

someone tell her what to do

its scary how things become more and more complicated as one gets older.

death, depression, abortion, pills, suicide.... all these used to only be in books, not reality.
i want to be young again. young as in carefree, young as in no worries. then again, all these have been part of my life since long ago.

partying isnt my cup of tea i always say. the truth is, i'm too self-conscious to club. i dont know what to do or what to wear. i do not love missing out on fun, i do not love not being young, i do not love being cooped up at home when everyone else is out there.


u all mean alot to me. doesnt mean i dont meet u often means you're forgotten and covered with dust. you people are the best thing that ever happened to me. i mean it.

i dont want time to pass so fast. the void becomes bigger and i cling to him even tighter as the times go by. maybe its cos of this you're so much nicer to me and you're holding tight to me too. i'm terrified that as the time goes nearer to the day you're gonna leave means the time left till our breakup. i dont know how to maintain a long distance relationship and i dont know how to know that you're the one and i dont know how to make sure you dont have someone else out there and i dont know how to be alone for 2 whole months before i see you again and i dont know how to help you with your stuff. you dont talk about it anymore and everything is becoming so vague i'm scared i'll start to think that you're gonna stay and be with me. its starting to feel like a dream, something so unreal, so out of reach, so far fetched that i feel like laughing at myself.

i'm losing control.

i realised.

how much it means for the need for one to be self-contented.

taking a look around me. seeing what's been happening to people around me stabs me right through like a knife. haven't got the time to meet up with important people in my life. and i just need to get moving and persist in getting them out.

being easily contented, makes life easier.
being easily contented, makes me happier.
makes me less pissed.
makes me less critical.
makes me less demanding.
makes me less expecting.
makes me less deluding.
makes me a whole lot less.

but does being easily contented, make me not desire more?
not expect more?
not feel more?

somehow, when it means being self-contented, does it also mean more self-denial, more suppressed expectations, more hidden desires? if thats the case, how can being self-contented make one's life more simple, cos in this forced simplicity, a greater complex network of emotions are formed. stronger emotions are required to suppress the thoughts needed to create the simplicity.

in this self created simplicity, the complex consequences are sometimes simply too much for me to bear. so grit and rough it out. the road's never smooth to start with. fall and learn. hurt and grow.

nice and slow

things have been slow...

but i like it this way.

he treats me nice.

havent met up with eve for quite some time and i feel bad. but i cant seem to bring myself to go out. its too tiring answering questions and giving answers. i dont feel like spending money either. i will make myself ask her out. soon. prolly to holland v. chill, talk, eat, relax. yeah.

my tummy's killing me now. must be the laxatives i took. i know i should go see a doc or something, get some medicine do some checkups cos i get tummyaches very easily. but they're probably going to say the same old stuff again. i shall self-heal and not waste the money.

UPS & downs

1 year.

not very long.

lots of things happened.

i'd say it was eventful.

ups and downs. understatement.

overall i was happy. actually i feel it. i feel loved. but still i need reassurance at times. at the very least he remembered.

my grandma's in hospital. somehow i wished i learnt how to speak teochew. so at least i can communicate with her, even if it was only during new year. i felt bad when she said out of so many grandchildren she has, she has never looked after any of us. cos she's almost deaf. she cant hear us properly. now she's 100% deaf in one ear and 90% deaf in the other. she had a mild heart attack and a mild stroke. she's been admitted for close to a week and things aren't looking too good. yesterday, she couldnt speak and couldnt sit up. they moved her up a level cos her situation's getting worse.

frankly i'm scared. and worried. though i havent been close to her, she's still my grandma and i dont want anything to happen to her. though she's 86. i havent had someone really close gotten so sick before after my grandfather.

it aint a good year.