Absolut Obsession

Yes dear, I fell into your temptation trap. Thank you very much for that. Thank you for making me nuts about the boards even before I start the entire thing! Come to think of it, you're absolutely right! Allan will prolly laugh his head off if he hears of this! Me? Cable-skiing???

For 2 years, he couldn't even get me to go cycling! We'll see!

With exams coming up, we really have to stop tempting each other this way! I wonder when would I have the time to recuperate, with all these stuff going on. Come the following week, we'll make sure we stay grounded at Macdonald's, armed with your milkshakes and my hot fudge sundaes, rooted at our seats, cramming all the lectures into our brains.

Thereafter, by the end of next month, we'll fill up the form for admission into IMH together all right?

"Double beds with vodka ruby red on the side pls! Thank you!"

There comes the dreaded October, when our days of soya will be further enforced. No more polar, no more hot fudge cravings, no more cheeseburgers, no more nuggets! We can grit our teeth and make it through this.

November, with your motor show and my Asia Pacific conference coming up, we'll be pulling our hair out once again!

Then, as the year draws to a close, we can look back and smile at what we've achieved.

Smile for old times' sake.

There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing no poor human can ever meet our vision.

But for the most parts, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish.". Most importantly, sometimes, love doesn't mean you have to be together.

I thought long and hard about the words. Dear Errol said I read too much into it. I still am. But I do agree, and so far it's been so for me, that love to me, is a recognition. Saying the words "I love you" don't mean anything to me, until the day I look at the person sleeping and smile, feeling the urge to stop time there and then, the urge to snuggle in the person's arms.

When I want the best for him, and I'd go out of the way to make him happy, when I smile at his messages, when he's the first person I want to see after a day's work, when he's the first person I call when something happy or sad happened, I know, I can safely say, "I love you" and mean it with all my heart.

This has happened on both occassions. But, I guess things just wasn't meant to be. I can't force things to turn out the way I want it. Cos I've learnt. I respect your choice, your chosen path. Things don't always happen the way I want it, but, que sera sera.

Closed cases reopened.

There are times when I can't believe myself. I wonder if I'm sitting on my brain or something or it's malfunctioning.

It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.

The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.

History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.

Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.

What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.

In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.

Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.

I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.

I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.

I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.

Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?

"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."

I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.

The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.

Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.

I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.

An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.

Self respect

Tell me how to go on.

It feels like a repeat telecast of what I went through. Should I believe in your words and push on, or should I prevent myself from going through shit again?

I'm clueless. You aren't helping at all.

I'd learn how to say thank you in the language you know.

A HUGE misunderstanding sparked off this post. HUMONGOUS. Thank goodness everything's been clarified now.

I've talked about my maternal grandparents cos I'm closer to them, meaning I know more about them.

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 1, as far as I can remember. Time spent with them were short. They didn't stay in a fixed place, nor did we have a fixed day that we visit them. They would stay a short while at each of their 6 children's places, and would rotate around.

I can barely recall how it was like. I do remember dreading them coming over to stay. I used to feel that they were disrupting our normal lives and it was so awkward having them around. Perhaps, I've always dreaded talking to my grandmother, not cos I don't like or love her, but because of our inability to communicate. I guess everytime I see her, I'd feel really guilty as to why I can't talk to her more. Furthermore, she was more than 70% deaf and wore hearing aids. I had to shout everytime I wanted to say something to her.

However, these routines stopped after my grandfather passed away. Ever since then, I only see her once or twice a year, not more than 6 hours each time, not more than 10 sentences exchanged.

Now, she's more than 90% deaf and the hearing aids don't work anymore.

The last time I visited her in hospital was the time she had a stroke. My dad loves her a lot. He loves tormenting us with the repeats of his childhood stories, to the extent we'd know exactly what he'd say next.

My grandfather and grandmother were so different.

She's a China-born teochew, who speaks nothing but pure "China" teochew.

He's english speaking.

I loved my grandfather. He has always remained someone special even though I don't recall much about him. He made toys for us. He doted on me. I'd love to write more, but that's all I remember. Yet, till date, I still remember how he looked, how he sounded like, how he sat in his favourite chair in my house and how he looked like lying peacefully in the coffin. I remember how his funeral was like, where it was held, the bonding we had with our cousins, how it was the first time someone close to me passed away. I remember my brother giggling when everyone else was crying when my grandfather's coffin was pushed in to be cremated. He was just barely 4 years old then. I remember being solemn, only because I had no slightest idea what was going on.

Yes, the toys are still around. So is the chair. My dad will never throw it away despite it being extremely uncomfortable. I still get reminded of them everytime I sit on the chair, and everytime I use the washroom in the kitchen.

If he was still alive today, I'd like to believe, I would tell him lots, in English, cos that was the only language he would speak to me. I doubt he'll still be making toys for me, but come to think of it, he'd be very old. He was 71 when he passed away, which would make him 86 this year.

My grandmother, almost 90 this year I suppose, was always shuffling around the house during Chinese New Year's whoever's house she was staying at then. She would shuffle around and make it a point to talk to every one of her children, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren. Somehow, I doubt anyone appreciate her efforts, but she was always smiling from ear to ear on that day, toothless.

I guess in a way, she's considered to have had a good life. 6 sons, 1 daughter, 13 grandchildren, 1 great-granddaughter, with 2 granddaughters and 1 grandson married.

I wonder how is it like to be living in a world of silence. When you see everyone you love, but you can't hear what they're saying. You see their lips move, but no sound comes out of it. You speak, but not many understand.

I wonder, if you've ever heard my voice.

Don't quit

I feel like the people in the Gatorade advertisement.

I will go on.

I will not give up.

I will make myself cope regardless whatever comes. Even if I have to survive on bread and cup noodles everyday for the next 21 months.

Just let me bitch about it once in a while. Oh yes, the chocolates are a must. Dark preferred.

Don't Quit


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

A teacher gave this to us when I was in Secondary 2. I've kept it in my cupboard since then.

It all makes perfect sense now.

Back to work now.

Famous Amos.

Famous Amos called me out of the blue that day when I was waiting for Ling. I thought he had called the wrong number as we haven't been contacting since Soulfood days, which was like 1 year ago? Even when I messaged him regarding Jindu auntie's wake he was nonchalent bout it.

I absolutely had no single bit of idea what he could be calling me for. Then I knew. He demanded to know why I didn't tell him when I broke up with Allan. That left me baffled. He isn't in my close circle of friends, nor one of my good friends, he's just an...ex-colleague? I was even avoiding him in Soulfood. What is wrong with this person? Do I have to broadcast my breakup to everyone?

"But I'm not everyone what. Remember before I left Soulfood, I told you no matter when you break up with Allan, tell me."

I was stumped. Dumbfounded and dying to end the call, cos knowing him, I'll probably be tearing my hair out of my head even before the conversation ends. Out of courtesy and "old times' sake", so as to speak, I carried on the conversation despite being extremely confused. 1001 possibilities was running through my mind to what he exactly wanted.

I think we spent half an hour debating to why I had to tell him when I broke up with Allan and why I had another boyfriend. As it always have been, its exhausting to talk to Amos. No, not talk. Baby talk.

He wanted requested me to go home earlier to talk to him. Leave my friends to go home earlier? FOR HIM?

Some people just don't change. Never will.

I love you. You love me. We are happy family.

The goodbye hug last night was oddly foreign, yet surprisingly comforting in a way, considering it used to be part of our routine. Somehow, we dropped it along the way. I never thought much about this actions cos we were so comfortable with it, it came without much thought.

After such a long absence of this simple action, I start to realise the significance of the sense of touch. It doesn't really take much effort to do it, why haven't we been doing so?

I walked away, with a warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my tummy.

I need a hug now. A gigantic one.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

As the girl and I were talking over polar cafe chicken pies for lunch in class yesterday, we were so amazed that we actually woke up so early to go for class on a Sunday, when we didn't even go for weekday afternoon classes in poly!

How we have changed...

It used to be school being a drag and we would skip lessons to go to work earlier. Yet, we couldn't care less if we turned up an hour late for class. Work was an escape. Work was fun. We could leave our brains at home and come to work as bimbos, things would still work out fine. Everyone were so used to seeing us almost everyday, be it the security guards, the weirdo scientists, the moovellous people, the construction workers who asked for "pipes" when they wanted straws, people seeing me run up the slope panting at 6.55am so that I wouldn't get piercing stares from the stall owners.

Fast forward 3 years, we would now leave work early to go to school on time. We actually wake up early on weekends to attend 7 hour seminars and the thought of leaving halfway never once crossed our minds. Not only are we physically there, our minds are there with us too! Now, school is an escape from the burdening work load we get everyday.

Chapter closed.

Well, well, well, I'm happy sitting here with dark chocolates in hand and someone to sing to me at night. Still, a gigantic bolster now for me to curl up to sleep would be really nice.

I'm one satisfied customer.

constant state of cognitive dissonance

Karma does befall.

Not that I didn't believe in it before. But it happened, right before my very eyes.

What I learnt today:

The hierachy of common effects model

Awareness

Perception

Acceptance

Action

Loyalty


Upon action, it brings about a state of cognitive dissonance, whereby we start doubting our actions, asking things like "Did I make the right decision?", then upon which, comes the interferance of competitors. This is the time when competitors are able to make their way in and join in the fun, so as to speak.

There's a parallel similarity between this model and that of dating, if you take the time to realise it. At the point of loyalty (read: commitment), one starts asking "Did I make the right choice?". Ta dah! Competitors start inching in, and the comparison comes in.

We're constantly in the state of cognitive dissonance. Reassurance and some form of guarantee is needed to manouver the heart the right way. Only then, can there be loyalty and low social risk.

We are consumer durables. High social risk. High financial risk.

That of Juliet, and her Romeo.

Recalling how I felt while watching Romeo and Juliet, the Leonardo and Claire Danes version, in Bangkok, it's actually kind of well....interesting.

I've actually watched Romeo and Juliet tons of times, be it the 1952 version, the men in tights, the one with the nice song while they were dancing, the black and white version. After approximately 6 - 7 years, its surprising how different I feel when watching the movie. Put them side by side, and you get the before and after picture of me, perspective wise that is.

When I was doing Romeo and Juliet as my literature text in Secondary 3, I'd be in a dreamy state, as though Romeo and Juliet was truly the greatest love story. Ever. The things they do for each other, the buried and textured connotations of Shakespeare, made everything into a lovely package, beautified by my idea of love then.

That was the kind of romance and love story that we longed for, or rather the fairytale, happily ever after kind of romance.

At this time and age, deep down inside of me, I believe I'm still hoping for such romance, not in that elaborate sense, but more of sticking together, working things out together, smoothening the rough road ahead together, without the frills of today's romance, to state it in a more subtle manner, the complications and confusions of principles, beliefs and views in terms of relationships.

The idea of relationships have somewhat become warped and twisted to the extent that there isn't the sense of commitment and sense of desire to keep things strong. Relationships now, aren't what they used to be. Everyone knows this. It's just that no one wants to keep it that way.

Now, not only there isn't "forever", tomorrow is also an uncertainty. It has evolved in such a manner that we live for today. Or rather the moment, cos what's happening now, may not be the same at the end of the day.

My idea of it is after a long day at work, I can't wait to go back and meet my guy. Get a huge smile from him and it melts away the day's fatigue, weariness and "sufferings". He's my source of comfort, my pillar of strength, my fort, basically, I'll need him and I hope it's the same way for him.

It's understood we both have work, we both have other commitments, friends, family whatsoever. We're not connected at the hips, but in our minds, to a certain extent.

Watching Romeo and Juliet now, brings about doubts about the feelings they had for each other. These had been and were issues brought up during Literature lessons then, but it was all for the name of exams then.

Juliet was 13 and Romeo 15. How was it possible that their feelings for each other were strong enough to want to die for each other? Put it in the modern day context, at 13 years of age we'd highly possibly still have beautiful imageries of how love is to be, the "till death do us part" analogy.

I'm dubious how firm the foundation of modern day romances are. As much as I want a simple and heartwarming relationship, I'm caught in the confusion and web of how the perceptions of love is now.

Perhaps, we succumb too much to temptations and are not able to hold our own fort. Perhaps, we're too bogged down by other commitments to be able to commit our hearts.
Perhaps, we're too caught up in wanting the "perfect" partner, we fail to cherish everything else.
Perhaps, with raised expectations the opposite gender has for us, we raise expectations of our partners too. Thus, we can never satisfy our partners the way we would like to, all because we all have an definite idea of how our partners should be. We try too hard to fit our "potential" partners into this mould we have in our heads, and we're coerced by our environment to be perfectionists, we cannot accept the bits of our partners that fall out of the mould.

In the process, we forgot the idea of love, is to love and cherish the person for who he or she is.

We judge others, but we're judged by others too.

Romeo and Juliet isn't anything more than a reflection of how we really want our romances to be. Its the innermost and most innocent idealogy of love when love can change everything and go against all odds.

Back in office after lunch, minus the lunch itself. Armed with a Snickers bar on my right, and my well-travelled Hello Panda to conserve my sanity.

Snickers bar (definition):
(1)a substitute for dark chocolate Toblerone.

Dark chocolate Toblerone (definition)
(1)Sheena's current addiction and intense craving.

Barely sat down for 5 minutes, my chair's not the least bit warmed by my butt yet, and my boss expects me to work wonders.

I've got a problem.

Every night without fail, when I sleep, I'll clench my jaws very tightly, the whole entire night. I wake up in the morning with very achy jaws. This happens when in the day too, when I don't realise it. I only realise it when all of a sudden, my jaws ache and it has been going on for some time. It used to be clenching of my fists. Then it stopped for a while. I have no idea what else there is to clench. Probably the next thing I'll do is chew on my brother's foot.

I think I need to go get some muscle relaxation pills. I don't want to lose my teeth.

Back to work! For now, before I lose my concentration and come back with another entry.

Battle scars and all.

We're in this together.

Remember our goal, the one we set to push ourselves to study? Yes, that's the exact one that's blinking right before my eyes twenty four hours a day, every single minute, blinding me.

A bad time to start, I agree. I can feel us drowning in all these. I can feel the words, "It's just going to get worse" forcing its way out of our mouths, but we choose to gulp it down and keep it inside.

I wonder how long it'll take us to drive each other crazy with our mad antics.

To the girl who's in this with me, yes, it's all or nothing this time round. We shall battle our way to the end, and emerge proud with our battle scars and all, that shall be the proof to ourselves.

Remember the reward we promised ourselves, our bi-annually Bangkok shopping trip? It's beyond me how we're going to afford it, but we shall. Somehow, some way, we'll figure out as we come by it.

It's astounding and bewildering all wrapped into one tight bun.

Now, to give a big smile and thank you to the one person who pushed me to do this.

Sadistically inviting.

First day of class yesterday. It was a mad rush to get from work to class on time, and I had to literally chase my boss out of his office so that I can leave. With only twenty minutes to class, I figured I had to get a cab cos I wasn't going to run the distance from the station to class. I'd be lying flat in class!

Well, shan't go into that despite the extremely bad experience with the cabby. He had me alight a 5 minutes walk from my destination. I was ready to bonk him on his head with my huge bag and stomp off in exasperation.

Class was fun, though the first half of the class was spent trying hard to focus and getting work out of my mind. The lecturer made lesson fun and enjoyable. Praise my lucky stars! First lesson and we got our first project. I foresee myself pulling more hair out of my head!

Dear, it's okay. I understand. I'm happy for you that he's being so nice now.

I must admit, the long walk to the bus stop and the long ride home was kind of....rejuvenating in some sense. Rolled many thoughts and emotions through my mind, coming to terms and digesting everything that has happened and is happening. That felt good.

Now with work piling up, both the International and the Asia Pacific Conference coming up, school and projects starting again, and I'm reviving my driving lessons which have been in a state of comatose for far too long, it actually makes me feel happy.

Like he says, "It's good to get 2 out of the 1001 things I have to do in my life."

Nonetheless, it's extremely draining and I spend half the time wishing for weekends to come and stay for good. I'm waiting for the chance to go somewhere, sleep the weekend away, to basically, hibernate.

Yes, this isn't Soulfood anymore. No more of that child's play. No more of that kind of fun, peace and laughter. Still having fun, laughter and once in a while peace. But I'm enjoying it, in an odd way.

Sadistic.

On a very freaky note, I was at my void deck reaching home after class, when I glanced up to my unit, something I do out of habit. I distinctly saw a man standing outside my door looking downstairs. I didn't think much of it, assumed it was my dad or a neighbour or some unknown man standing outside. Nothing surprising, considering my block is known for having weird people and happenings. When I went up, I didn't see anyone.

It was until much later that I realised, it was pretty much impossible to have someone stand at that position due to the arrangement of furniture, so to speak, at my doorstep.

Question: Who is that man?

This morning, I was thinking through, it hit me that perhaps, the furniture was thrown away. I absolutely cannot remember. That is how dysfunctional my mind is now. Try as I might, I can't recall.

So, it's now, either there really is a man there, for whatever reason I cannot fathom. Or, was there a "man" there?

Naturally or supernaturally, I choose to live in ignorance. I'd rather not know.

Bittersweet.

I wonder, how many times, do we get mentioned in someone else's blog?

I wonder, am I worth a mention in your blog?

Have you ever?

Vague certainty

A dream I had...

I found myself at a crossroads, that split itself into crossroads, and at every junction, there's a choice between two different paths.

I've always believed to a certain extent the truth in dreams we have. That explains how deja vu comes about, which I have been experiencing frequently these days. Halfway through conversations, I'd pause as though something just hit me in the head, "I came across this scenario before, this has happened before."

Back to the point.

Dreams to me are, often reminders of our innermost emotions, some we ourselves do not identify or wish not to know, an outlet for suppressed emotions and somewhat of an inkling of what's going to come. I dream frequently. Often more than once in a night. Yet, I can never remember what exactly happened in my dreams, the best I can do is fragments of it. The more I try to recall, the further the memory escapes from me, imagine chasing a kite with a constant gust of wind.

At this point, I wouldn't mind a dream that shakes the innermost suppressed and ignored emotions of me. Time to time, I lose myself in this web I weave for myself.

When I get lost, it's time to feel within and I find myself back. Whichever turn and junction I turn into, be it the path with roses and thorns, or the dark, cold and miserable road I find myself in, I shall come out of it stronger.

It may take me some time to decide which turn I shall take, but I shall get where I want all the same. There will never be any dead ends, cos all I have to do is spend a little more time to undo my path.

It's now my turn to be in this maze, though pretty and captivating, its a maze all the same. The illusions I form for myself may be deceiving at times, but time will lead me out of this.

I cross my fingers and smile cos it happened. I will walk tall, with my head high. I know I will.

We're all puppets of fate in this stage we live on. Therefore, we smile our brightest smile, and put up a good show for all to see.

I hate myself for loving you.

School's starting next week. I'm so excited!

I think I don't give off positive vibes. Perhaps, I've learnt to keep my own emotions under wraps and focus on other people's emotions. Could that be why I don't potray what I truly feel?

I remember one incident when I was working, I was up to my neck in work, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was my boyfriend at that time. Since then, I refrained from calling or messaging my boyfriend too often when he's working, purely cos I know how it feels like and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

No matter how much I want to talk to you, I'll just work to kill time so you don't have to rush through work and perhaps, I can still meet you for dinner.

I don't suppose I require a lot of attention from my guy. I treasure my alone time. I treasure my time with my girls. I treasure my time with my friends. I treasure my time with my girlfriend. At the same time, I treasure quality time with my boyfriend.
I do need time with him, but I understand if he has other commitments or plans too.

I don't want to be so clingy and have to meet my boyfriend even if its a short while. I don't mind going all the way down just to buy food for him. I can even wait for him to finish work to meet him. But, I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I know you'll be tired after work. Thus, no matter how much I want to see you, I can refrain, unless you give me the go ahead.

I think Bangkok's a curse.

If I weren't happy and you didn't mean a thing,

I wouldn't jump to see my caller id to see who's calling.
I wouldn't check my phone every half and hour to see if there's a message from you.
I wouldn't be waiting in the office, doing work slowly just to be able to meet you.
I wouldn't be waiting for your phone call everyday despite being dead tired.
I wouldn't feel like this right now.
I wouldn't be looking for the book you wanted from Thailand to Singapore.
I wouldn't be dragging Farena to every single stall that sells cufflinks.
I wouldn't be buying little cards to brighten up your day.
I wouldn't be thinking of you right now.
I wouldn't be affected at all.
I wouldn't be so confused.
I wouldn't be pulling my hair out now to think of ways to make things right.
I wouldn't want you back. But I do.
I wouldn't miss you like crazy like how I am now.
I wouldn't switch to and fro the msn screen to see if you're online.
I wouldn't be saving every single of your messages and read them over and over.

The list could go on and on.

I mentioned before, I don't say things I don't mean. I don't have to go through all the trouble to beautify something that isn't true right? What happened before is history. I do not want history to repeat.

As for my mother, the way you deal with your family is different from mine. Like I told you before, no matter what, she's still my mother. I cannot not be affected by her. Part of me still want to make things right, like how things you are with your mum. I envy that. I want that.

I am used to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me from time to time. It's not always purely the reason that gets me down, but a combination of factors. I don't share cos I feel its insignificant.

Its the same way for you too isn't it? A love-hate relationship with your family. That's the way things are. For me. I can get used to her antics, but I cannot keep her out of my life.

But I've learnt to live with it. Just grumbles and laments from time to time.

I stand by my words that I'm glad our paths cross and I'm truly happy with you. I'm sorry if I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. But I assure you, things aren't the way you see it.

All I want is a simple relationship. One where we can seek comfort from each other. I don't need lavish stuff, I'm easily satisfied. Minus all the complexities. Simple and heartwarming.

I still love you baby.

I like to sit alone amidst bustling crowds.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.
I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.

I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.

The above are just random thoughts about me. Miscellaneous things that came to my mind just at this point of time. Things I've always known, but have never gotten about to sitting down and listing them down.

There are actually many more about me. Perhaps, I haven't gotten to discovering them myself.

You. Me. That's all.

I am pissed. Very pissed.

But I shall keep quiet.

This place means nothing more to me anymore. Perhaps, not even in the first place.

I should have stayed out.

7 dresses, 5 tops, 4 bags, 1 watch, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of cuff links later......

"May JetStar Asia passengers Ms Nursafarena binte Abdul Rahim and Ms Sim Shu Fen Sheena please proceed to Gate D32 for immediate boarding."

We, were too engrossed playing with our phones and talking, and totally forgot about boarding the plane 40 mins before time! When we heard our names booming over the system of the airport, we ran! Ran like there were a thousand mad men behind us. It was soooo funny, yet so memorable. What a way to start our virgin girlfriend trip overseas.

In fact, the day didn't start off too well with me being super duper late and the appearance of the Mother. Well, it was all pretty much forgotten once we stepped foot into the plane. Excitement and anxiety was an entire hive of bees in our tummies, as we blabbered throughout the 2 hour flight to keep Farena's motion sickness at bay.

Day One:

Thank goodness for our in-built female instincts that prevented us from being cheated of 700 Baht for a 30 minute taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Which instead, cost us 180 Baht instead! After the hustle and bustle of checking in and all, we settled for a nice and warm dinner of not very yummy Pad Thai and yummy dummy tom yam woon sen!



Day Two:

We woke up early for the invasion of Chatuchak market. Armed with intense hunger for shopping, and our shopping bags, we pranced into Chatuchak market, jumping for joy. Once our dear Farena started the ball rolling, it rolled and rolled and rolled and there was no end! Spent less than 5 minutes in every single shop and came out with something, barely 2 hours later, we raised the white flag for part one of our shopping frenzy. At this point, our shopping bags were threatening to burst and our wallets were deflating at an alarming rate. We had to stop for a breather before we hyperventilated and dehydrated and died right there on the spot looking like mad aunties.

Part Two was slow cos our weak hearts couldn't take the rate of our expenditure anymore. The heat was sizzling us like some hotcakes and our backs were breaking. After 5 hours of bargaining and racing heartbeats, we threw in the towel and called it quits. Only to realise, we only conquered a grand total of an incomplete section of the Chatuchak market.

We were SGD 400 poorer.

The rest of the day and night was spent recuperating and rehydrating and of course, as our brains gave up on us, our bimbotic alter egos set in and hours of fashion shows was put up right in our hotel room.

Finally at 7, we concussed. We didn't even make it to MBK as initially planned even in our pyjamas. That was how dead we were.

Utterly defeated by Chatuchak market. Tsk tsk tsk.

Day Three:

The MBK, Siam Center and Siam Paragon is the ultimate shopper's paradise. As we proceeded along the linked walkways between the shopping centres, we felt the less need to pull out our wallets. We were happy and satisfied.

Oh! The cafes were simply beeauuutiffuulllll.

Once again, our dear Farena never fails to impress. She ordered Turquoise Fizz, the menu stated the ingredients as such: (Grenadine, Pineapple Juice and Pear Juice). She, tried so hard to make it understood to the minimal English speaking cute guy waiter that she wanted PINEAPPLE JUICE while pointing vigorously at TURQUOISE FIZZ. Poor guy. Poor poor poor confused creature.

I nearly fainted with laughter.

Siam Paragon is pure tai tai's heaven. NO shopping centre in Singapore can beat Siam Paragon. NONE even comes close. We couldn't even find a single Watson's in Siam Paragon to replenish the batteries of my dead camera. The supermarket was a Gourmet Market. Where else can you find Ferarri, Lamborghini, Porsche, BMW, Maserati, Hermes, Chanel, Tod's, and the list just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, in the same building that's designed to take your breath away even before you even stepped into the building??

I cannot even go on to elaborate how gorgeous the place is. It was so beautiful I didn't know where exactly to get out of the building.

After one round of purely window shopping, not by choice, we went back to our hotel.

Initial plan was to head for Suan Lum Night Market, but we somehow ended up at the wrong BTS station cos of wrong directions given by the BTS staff.

We ended up at Patpong, Thailand's red light district.

Even so, we shopped like there was no tomorrow despite being pestered every 5 minutes to go for a "Pussy sex show - very cheap, very nice!", try that in Thai accent.

These Thai men have no qualms about grabbing female tourists by their arms. By the end of it, both of us felt like if we were touched one more time, we would bonk them on their heads with our shopping bags.

Patpong was an adventure.

This is the time I saw Farena, totally lose focus, most probably due to culture shock. She just spaced out most of the time, and you can't imagine the funniest things she would say. Try bargaining with Farena smiling VERY apologetically to the stall owner saying "Sorry sorry, we don't have enough money on us, so we cannot buy.", while trying very hard to pull her away and the stall owner also trying very hard to hold us back.

I felt like a piece of chewing gum stuck between the floor and someone's slipper.

We accidentally wandered into a super duper dark alley, with absolutely no lights, and NO ONE. Well, let's just say we came out safely, to continue on our Patpong misadventure.

Almost done with our shopping, Miss Farena announces "I'm getting the hang of this!".

Thank you dear, we're seriously almost done here.

By the second day, we had already packed our luggages.

By the third night, we had already packed, unpacked, and repacked our luggages, trying to do our utmost to shut the zips.

In all, we couldn't bear to leave Bangkok. The shopping, the tom yam woon sen, the SGD 1.20 beef kway teow that was so delicious, the bargaining, the dunkin' donuts and the honking cars that came from EVERY single possible direction.

We will definitely come back. Soon. I'll leave the pics to Farena. I'm too lazy.

I need air.

I feel...suffocated, like being chin-deep in water, there's air, but it's not enough, not enough for me to breathe comfortably, but just hanging there. Every breath I take requires an intense amount of energy just to sustain my sanity.

I want to help but there's only so much I can do. Just so much.
I wish I could. I feel so so so so bad. I am sorry.

I see what's going on and it hits me hard. I don't know how to help other than just be there. This is when I realised, how grey the area is between right and wrong. Neither way sounds right, yet neither way sounds wrong.

On another note, I am so traumatised by the sudden increase of deaths around me. I've attended like 2 wakes in this week. To be honest, I am freaking out. It never affected me this much cos it didn't happen to people I know or around me.

This is no good.

My grandparents are old and not in fantastic health.

I just pray nothing happens any time soon.

Please be strong.

Pretty please, with ice cream and chocolate chips and chocolate syrup on top?

My joy. My sacrifices. My degree.

I got accepted! I got accepted! I got accepted!

I just couldn't believe it when I saw the message. I wasn't expecting a reply or was I waiting by my phone anxiously, thus, the greater joy in getting the news. The bigger surprise was, I'm exempted from 10 modules! Even though some modules I thought I'd be exempted turned out otherwise, I am so so so glad that my doomed modules are exempted for me! No more accounting, no more stats, no more econs!

Baby, I don't have to bother you to stuff me with econs theories! Aren't you glad?

Instead, I'm left with the more interesting modules of the lot for me to plough my way through! Sounds like I'm looking forward to a hard time. I do miss studying, though not working a permanant job and studying at the same time. In additon to the increasing amount of work that is expected of me, the course will most probably squeeze every single ounce of sanity out of me!

All I feel like doing now is jumping all over the office screaming at the top of my voice and giving everyone a great big hug! But no, I shall sit quietly at my desk, masking the uncontrollable smile that makes me feel like everything inside of me has just turned into marshmallows, and scream at everyone in MSN instead.

Dear, you'll get your letter real soon all right? I'm conserving my energy to scream together with you, jumping and hopping our way all over Bangkok! Then we'll go for a HUGE, ENORMOUS, ELEPHANTOUS, DINOSAUROUS, GODZILLA celebration! Cheers with tom yam soup and birds' nest, come back all rejuvenated and ready to start our pursuit of this piece of paper!

Oh oh oh! I'll remember your "long service award" too!

butterflies in my tummy

Countdown: 5 more days!!!!! The wait is making me feel queasy!

We're going to shop like crazy, eat like crazy, and just simply, let our hair down!

Sat Check-in. Night shopping at Suan Lam
Sun Morning shopping at Chatuchak, then fear factor challenge where jakun Farena will try the exotic food there. Peach moments at night.
Mon Massage, hair highlights, manipedi & more food discovery.
Tue Chill @ hotel, squeeze all things bought into luggage, head back SG where I have an event to attend. ARGH!

The above is Farena's version of our itinerary. Sounds simple, but I tell you, I can foresee us running around like duracell rabbits rushing to get enough shopping to satisfy our "starving appetites"! Everything else has become secondary. Our long awaited, do whatever we want, drink like no one's business, eat like we'll never get fat, hotel stay is finally here!!

I just hope we don't shop till we lose our way back. Judging from the way we both usually do. I feel like the butterflies from my tummy are trying hard to flutter their way out!

Absolutely right dear! Our goal in 2 year's time for you and 4 year's time for me! And I can't believe we're working towards it together! Even though I'm dreading it and yet still looking forward to when school starts. But yayyy! I'm glad we're having a hard time together!

Oh, but dear, you sell your soul to every company you work with. So that's not really valid you know?

safe in a crazy world.

Goodbye.

I'm in shock.

Still in shock.

Life is so unpredictable.

Thanks for being the really nice person you were. The wonderful treats and delicious food you made. The coffee you needed every morning. Or tea. The help you rendered to us.

Goodbye forever.

Sealed.

I'm going back to writing in diaries.

亲爱的你怎么不在身边

Our minds complicate our senses. We see things that are right smack in our faces, yet our mind forces us to look past them. We hear what people say, we interpret in what we feel is pleasing to us. Or what we would like to come from that person.

See. Perceive. Register. Digest. React. Act.

Somewhere in the process, it get twisted and tossed, like the game where the first person is suppposed to pass a message down the line, and at the end of it, the entire message becomes distorted.

And that's what makes it so hard.

Have you ever felt like your mind and your heart thinks 2 different ways? Like your mind says this should be the right thing to do, yet your heart says otherwise. It feels like I'm having a massacre going on the inside of me.

At times, my mind wins a little, and I start leaning over to this side.

Barely 5 minutes later, I decide otherwise.

How do you think with a combination of your mind and your heart? Personally, I think it's pretty far fetched.

At this very moment, my mind is having a very hard time persuading and convincing my heart to think the other way trying to stop me from doing something stupid I'll regret. I hope.










I miss you so bad
But its all right
Things are sunny on my side
I hope you're on your way back

No idea how long it'll take
Crossing my fingers and toes
It'll be real soon
Cos I still want you with me

Keeping these thoughts within me
A secret I can't reveal
Fumbling through the tunnel
Anticipating the unexpected

I'll be a couple of steps behind
Just in case you need me
I'm doing fine
Don't worry about me

Tinted shades on a rainy day

There's a nigging feeling at the pit of my stomach.

But, I have no idea what's it about. It's just going round and round about in circles at the bottom of my tummy.

"Look at me,you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday it says if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"

____________________________________


It's a beautiful sight ahead
Though misty, foggy at times
Perhaps, that's the beauty
Of the road in front

I stop to wonder and to think
Dwell in the ambiguousness
With shades covering my eyes
The rosy picture I paint for myself

This road before me
Uncertain yet intriguing
Compels me to move forward
With a smile and a thousand thoughts

From time to time
We stop to take a break
From the hustle and bustle
Of finding the light at the end of the tunnel

Coming across pebbles and rocks
With every single step I take
It's the sand that irritates
Not the rocks we can avoid

Enjoying the stroll
For now I take a rest
As my mind registers all that I see
Closing my eyes to lock them all inside

Let it be.

I'm sorry I hadn't been understanding enough.

I know things have been hard on you lately, and how its all been affecting you.

Focus on whatever you should do now, I'm just a phonecall or sms away.

Don't worry bout me, I'm fine and dandy.

All right? =)

Oh oh oh! I came across my Da Vinci Code ticket stub yesterday. What a pleasant surprise.


Countdown: 8 more days to Bangkok!!!!! I can't wait! We'll go shopping like crazyyyyy, eat like crazyyy, and the whole hotel room to ourselves! Right dear?

no longer privileged.

Met up with my girls last night. As usual, it was a time of catching up, voicing out our concerns, lament about whatever is happening in our lives so on and so forth. It was much needed and appreciated.

We were talking about why do we feel like we're 30 and not 21.

I realised.

We were 16, as much as we had tons of fun and memorable times, we were...sixteen.

We had the privilege of doing shit things, go to shit places, and still get away with it. We could waste our time cos we could afford to waste that time.

It's different now.

We work cos we need to feed ourselves. No longer sheltered, no longer privileged.

That's just the way it is.

The times we had are definitely missed and no doubt I WANT it back. Things don't always go your way.

This is one thing that won't.

We're no longer sixteen. When the only thing we had to worry about was passing O levels.

Dear So and So

Appear that the letter wars are starting once again. It just makes my tummy churn and my heart sink when I try so hard to push myself to go on, and yet, it all boils down to nothing. I do have my priorities set straight. The only issue here is, my priorities are nothing like what you expect my priorities be and just because this is the case, you conclude I'm in the wrong frame of mind. It will always boil down to this. ALWAYS.

Somehow, its not the big issues that get to you, cos we've all learnt to deal and manouveur ourselves round these obstacles. Instead, its the nitty gritty details that pile up into one whole ball of mess that irks and weighs you down.

One leads to another and then to another and this whole ball of mess seems to be impossible to handle. We've all been there.

You're never alone, and tons out there are in a worse situation than you are. We all learn to lean on each other for support. Nonetheless, some of these so called "support" can actually bring you down even further.

When an entity brings about tears, look to another entity for that smile.

A night out with my girls makes it easier for me to lift myself up.
A nice dinner with my guy makes my day.
A simple message from someone close can make me smile.
A smile from you makes it all seem worthwhile.
A hug can be healing.

With all these, it may just be a temporary escape to our own protected world, where everything is right, and everything is the way we want it. But why not? If this little escape can give us that tiny little push that perhaps is all we need to succeed? Even if we don't, we have moved a step ahead.

"Focusing on someone else's problem can make your own seem so much less significant. As such, your problems become so much easier to handle. It's just a matter of getting over yourself." (Yes Errol, this line worked wonders for me.)

When it all gets too tough, take a break, have a kit kat, or MacDonald meal for that matter, anything that works for you, just to rejuvenate and find your focus once again. Well, a tub of chocolatey ice cream can create miracles, for me that is.

I used to write in diaries. ALOT. Until I ran out of time. Or naps on bus rides seem to make more sense then jiggly writing in diaries. Or when its easier to type it all out cos the computer's my best friend now. I never throw these diaries away. I take them out once in a while, read it through, and have a good laugh about it. It's really amazing to realise how those impossible mountains to climb seem to just be molehills when you look back.

Like the time the O Levels was killing me, and I thought I would never made it through. Well, I did.

Like the time I was camping in my living room for one week for projects' sake, I thought I would never complete them despite sleeping just an hour a day for a week, staring at the screen to find that tiny little comma in the entire program that would make a great difference. WELL, I did, just not as well as I would have liked it to be.

Like the time I fried my thumb in boiling oil, I was wailing buckets. Now, I think its amusing.

Oh yes, and the time we were peeling oranges by the cartons everyday. I was working 16 hour shifts and dreaming about peeling oranges the remaining 8. I felt I smelt orangey no matter how much I bathed. I'm VERY sure I don't now.

The time when I was 5 and my dad when for reservist training on my birthday. I thought the army didn't like me and was punishing me. I BAWLED. Now, I wish he would go back to reservist training.

How bout the time I fell on my butt, and for that moment, I couldn't feel my legs. I was convinced I was going to be paralysed waist down. I felt extremely dumb after that. Stop reminding me.

Things happen for a reason and there's a reason why we're given harder tasks to accomplish. That's because we are capable of succeeding, and coming out unscathed.


I shall go think of a response to the letter I found on my bed last night.

Here goes...

Dear Mother,

Thank you for your letter.

With regards to your claims and accusations, I'm sorry to inform you that they are completely without basis. Kindly obtain more concrete information before giving feedback.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you and best regards,

Your Daughter

Twentysomething.

The figures are tempting me to pull my hair out of my head.

I don't know if I can keep up with all these. Someone remind me once again why I'm doing all of these?

It's not about having the right to not be strong. It's about having to. It's mandatory. There is no other choice.

When this happens, it becomes the norm. Or rather, I'd like to think of it this way.

All the other 21 year olds are out there struggling to make ends meet, while enjoying their youth, while wasting their time, while having fun, peace and laughter, doing what should be done at 21. Yes, they're doing that. They're not at Sentosa tanning their butts. They're not at some cafe enjoying their coffee. They're not shopping at Orchard spending their parents' money. They're not sleeping at home. They're not sitting at some corner gossiping about passers-by, laughing like money will drop from the sky, right smack into their laps, they're NOT.

Instead, they're sitting behind some desk in front of a computer, trying to meet some deadline, trying to look professional while secretly cursing the boss under their breath while smiling at the "oh so sweet and helpful, yet I see your horns on your head and your tail swinging at the back of you" colleague who just walked past your desk, gently reminding you of whatever piece of work you still owe her.

"No worries, its not that urgent."

She says.

The next thing you know, you're sitting right in front of your boss, answering for that very piece of work that is still in your tray marked "PENDING". What a great sense of deja vu. Did that just happen last week? Perhaps I was wrong. It must be me. I am confused now.


Don't get me wrong. I am happy and satisfied with my life and what I have. Which translates into, I AM NOT GRUMBLING.

I am, well, just lamenting.

Pardon me. But, it is not the time of the month.

You have to be right for the everything else that is wrong.

The conversation scared me.

When the rightest thing starts to drift, everything else seems wrong. Even when they aren't.

Then everything else will start to hover around where they are, like how everything just comes to a standstill, in mid-air. You can't go on, yet you can't go back.

Somehow, when everything seems right in place, something will definitely go wrong. It happens every single time. Never fails to prove me wrong.

It hasn't happened. YET.

On a side note, when your mother messages you at work, to inform you that she has done the favour you asked of her, and tells you the price of it. 6 bucks.

What do you do?

Excuse me for a moment while I go transfer the 6 bucks to her. She needs the 6 bucks in order to truly enjoy herself in Japan, spending grands.

So tell me, do I reply her saying thank you for ruining my day? Or do I reply her saying sorry it cost you 6 bucks. Tell me what should I do.

When familiarity becomes foreign.

The steamboat sessions, laughing till our sides ache, taking photos like there's no tomorrow, the chill-out sessions, all the "can't be bothered with what other people think, we just want to have fun" sessions, oh yes, these happened before.

We used to be so close. We used to have so much fun. We used to love each other.

"No one remembers these, or perhaps, no one wants to remember."

We all still have the photographs as evidence. What's evidence without a case to fight? It's like, there was a murder, a weapon was found, everyone knows that it happened, but no one's doing anything about it. So what do you do, continue with your own business and just cross your fingers a miracle will happen.


"It's no longer about the tension. It's like we've never crossed each other's path before."

I really don't know how to pen all these, my exact thoughts, what I hope to see.

What happened to us?

I have no idea, anymore. I have absolutely no recollections or whatsoever of what went wrong. Yes, "things happened."

I want us to all be fine again. You're all pieces of me, people who make me the person I am, the loves of my life.

Even if each of us wants to go back to what we were used to be, maybe not, but it's just....hard. Everyone is headstrong in their own way. Too headstrong to just take a baby step back.

Being close to one doesn't mean I love the other any lesser.

10 years from now, we'll still going to be talking about it, reminiscing about the fun times, laughing at the old jokes, passing on the story of how insane we were, breaking into a smile with thoughts about the past, but, we'll still just be going to talk about it.

As much as I want things to go back, things don't always happen the way I want.

You can't undo what went wrong. You can't try make things better now, hoping that all these beautifying will cover up the debris that's buried below the surface.

It's one thing about not hoping. It's another about having no hope.

I miss being sixteen. Today's the day it gets tired. So keep the blood in your head and your feet on the ground.

When does it reach the stage, when everything in the past and whatever you're dong now comes and bites you hard in the butt and starts to hold you down, forcing you to slow down and perhaps, even take a break?

Can you still afford to take that break? Perhaps, it could just be that little time for you to revitalise and push yourself even harder. Perhaps, it could be that little amount of time you need to hold on in order to reach the end, but you chose to give up. You look back and tell yourself in exasperation, "If only I had known...". But, it's too late, it doesn't work this way.

If it wasn't for what we did before, we wouldn't be what we are now. True. But, if it wasn't for what we did or didn't do in the past, we could have been someone we are not now.

Every step we take is a decision. One can be influenced, one can be intimidated, persuaded, convinced, or whatsoever into making a decison. Ultimately, we're the ones making the decision, walking the talk, answering for the consequences, it's going to make the person you will be 50 years down the road.

When it boils down to it, we're simply living our own life. Do or die, or at the very least, the effort put in, it's our call.

Now, as the realisation of all these starts sinking in, with the responsibilities and commitments tagging along, all I feel like doing now, is walk out of this office, and shut myself out from the rest of the world.

When you have both your feet stuck firmly on the ground, pegged by all these nonsense that you tie yourself up with, whether by choice, or by default, you just want to let go of it all, but you can't.

At this point, all you can do is lean onto another for support, borrowing each other's life experience as a source of comfort. You laugh. You cry. You enjoy. At the end of the day, you go back home, knowing that you're on your own once again.

And the vicious cycle continues. Without mercy.

A mind once stretched will never regain its original proportions

Can one ever truly forget and get over a person he/she loved so much before?

A question that's been ringing through my mind since a very long time ago. When it comes to become a play on the conscious and the subconscious mind, can we fault the subconscious mind? It's bewildering me, still.

The thing is, do I identify with that feeling? Do I require an answer to that? Do I already know the answer? Do you know the answer that I'm supposed to know but do not know?

Does coming into contact with familiar places, familiar activities, familiar faces, somewhat functions like our peripheral vision, registering in our subconscious mind, forcing us to dig up these melancholic feelings without us realising?

Or, is it a case of "I'll never get over you getting over me"?

I've thought it through and through, over and over, tossed and turned in bed, those words rolling about in my head. I suppose I've got to answer that for myself and to myself first.

For me, I'd say I've closed that chapter of my life. Looking back, not that I regret what I did or starting the relationship. I learnt from it, bringing what I learnt about myself into a new relationship. Perhaps, in a way, he taught me things about myself I never could have come to terms with by myself. Recalling the aftermath of the breakup, it was horrible. So horrible, I cringe just thinking about it. Yet, some good did come out of it. I came out of it stronger as a person, started loving and being in touch with myself and friends again, made new friends, lost my way and fumbled around for a quite awhile before finding my direction once more. The way out seemed clearer once I came to terms with the facts I had stubbornly ignored.

I was self-deluded and craving badly for attention. I was hating him. I was dying to move on. I was forcing myself to move on. I was all things negative. Emotions were an insane rollercoaster ride. One common advice I received was to throw myself into work to distract my thoughts. After watching all those lovey-dovey movies and shows, I suppose, that was what people normally do after a breakup. I wanted that too. One problem. I had no work to throw myself into. Instead, I threw myself into nurturing new friendships, repairing old friendships, focusing on other people's problems instead of my own. In a way, the constant act of pushing my limits and his limits, resulting in self-torture did help.

I gave up. I moved on. I became happier. I learnt how to smile once again. Finally, eating made sense to me. Someone I love alot told me this, "Start doing everything for yourself from now onwards."

The downside to all this, negativity started building up in me. I was afraid of history repeating itself. I was terrified of going through this cycle once again. I couldn't bring myself to love again. I started seeing things from Su's cynical point of view, "Since you know it's coming, why start it in the first place?"

Well, all this aside, I've really moved on. I've gotten over questioning and seeking answers long ago. Some things just do not require an explanation. He's just someone so familiar, yet so foreign. Without a doubt, it did take some time to break out of that routine. My feelings toward the whole past relationship is no longer about it's a pity things didn't work out. It's now, smile because it happened. I found a whole lot more because it happened. I don't deny that I still treat him as a friend, but a friend who's kept at the back of my head, in a teenie weenie little corner of my heart, as I close this chapter with a smile. I've come to the point when I don't look back with tears in my eyes, nor a sad wrench of my heart that makes me just want to turn away and collect myself once more.

The dust has settled. For him and for me.

On a side note, I'm really glad I found you. One month and still counting. It has been quite a ride.

My last day: 16 June 2006

It's official. I've left the place I've was with for 9 months. Taking with me the relationships I've fostered, the things I've learnt, the experience gained, and so much more.

I recall an interview I went before, the interviewer questioned my employment duration with each company I was with, mostly not more than a year of service. I graduated in April 2005, officially in July 2005. Come to think about it, I've been working since November 2003 till now without a proper break.

With each termination of service with the various companies I was in, I learn a little more about myself and the so called "working world". I stepped into this crazy world of one's survival with not much of expectations, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is expected of me.

Despite the reluctance in leaving this last job, it's something that's going to happen in a matter of time. Regardless of the short duration, it was enough. The relationships I've fostered I'll bring into the next phase, next chapter of my life. As the lessons I can learn comes to a standstill, I knew it was time to go.

I used to be unwilling to move on to new environments cos of the unfamiliarity that comes with it, starting the whole new learning process, building new work relationships, adapting new routines, so on and so forth.

People come and go. No matter how much you did, how well you did in your job, you're never indispensable. No one is indispensable.

That brings me to the next chapter, closing this chapter with a smile and memories sealed in time. It's time I move on to my next chapter, next job with a fresh burst of enthusiasm and eagerness. That's one day left to recollect myself, my thoughts, my emotions.

From a distance...

If wishing upon a star could make really make the wish come true, I'd stay up all night to wish upon the stars I see. A wish to erase the hurt, the unhappiness. Another one to wish for the best, for you, for me, and for us.

I wonder, how I seem to you, the me you've come to know so far.

How much time exactly does one need to be sure of compatability? Perhaps, never.
People change, trees grow, flowers wilt.

"Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts will change."

This pursuit of self-indulgence, comfort, companionship, effort, hard work, commitment, and a whole lot more rolled together into one huge ball called love could either surge you right into the sky, or pin you down leaving you helpless and disillusioned.

Love is a big word. At least to me. It emcompasses a whole lot more than its superficial definition. The ties that come with it, the commitments it brings, it comes in a whole package with "fun, laughter, indulgence, euphoria and all things sweet and nice" in bold print and "possibility of hurt, pain, sorrow, confusion, denial, dependence" in fine print. Regardless whether one is aware of all these stated, we all step into this, willingly.

When I say "I love you", I mean it with all my heart. It means saying yes to all the terms and clauses enclosed. Talk is cheap. Yes, i totally agree. Yet, I can tell you a million truths, and you selectively choose to perceive them as untruths, where does that leave me? Am I to be labelled a liar? Am I to be labelled as being untruthful? Am I not true to this relationship?

Talk is cheap if you choose to perceive it to be so.

"A picture can paint a thousand words, so why can't I paint you? The words will never show, the you I've come to know."

Is talk still cheap now?

You decide the value and weightage of the words you listen. Listen, not hear.

If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you. Cos that's right where I want to be. Believe me when I say so.

we are family. but, what's your name?

I was never close with the cousins from my dad's side of the family. Well, almost. The one and only time I recall us being close was at my granddad's funeral. How ironic. His leaving brought us together, though not for long. That 3 days of sorrow, brought us together in a way that was just beyond words. We were truly like cousins. Unfortunately, after the wake was over, it was all lost too. The bond we had went into the crematorium with my granddad. Perhaps, at the very least, that was what my granddad wanted to us to be.

Since then, it has always been a once a year "gathering" for us all, with not more than 10 sentences exchanged. We probably can't identify the names to the faces we see. Even if we pass each other on the streets, we're just a "oh so familiar" face to each other, at the very most, a hint of smile as acknowledgement. Nothing more, nothing less. I've always believed that we don't speak much to each other cos of our age gaps. Then it hit me, I had a relationship with someone 11 years my senior, even older than some of them are. What basis do I have to claim that we can't communicate? All of us never had put in that extra effort to build the bond, or to even sit down and have a proper talk. There always had been that barrier between us.

Does it matter whether I have a cousin who's a lawyer, one who's a pilot, one who's a teacher, a distant one who's a singer and all? Does all these truly matter when it comes to family? I'm not proud of it. When it boils down to it, we're just passing strangers on the streets who happen to be related.

I've met them on the streets, a couple of times. We don't say hi, we don't smile. We don't even have each other's number. All I know is, that's my cousin I just saw. His/her name? "I think it's so-and-so. But I can't be sure." 21 years of my life. I can safely say for sure, we've not met more than a 100 times. How tragic.

So, is it better to have been close before and drifted apart, or is it better to have never been close before? A question to think about, a question I can't answer. The family tree we've filled up like 5 years ago, still remains on the same piece of paper it was written on. I wonder, if 10 years down the road, where will this piece of paper be.

What went wrong, where went wrong, I don't know. I stopped finding answers. It has all just become something we're all used to. Now, that's why the television is so very important during the Chinese New Year visits. It's our source of escape and excuse to be quiet. We all stay rooted in our seats and when the time comes to leave, we all breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Melancholic smiles

There are times. Times when the melancholy and memories sets in and starts to eat up the determination and restraint built up the past few weeks. When I just happen to let my guard down and browse through photos of us, sms conversations and flashbacks. It hits me again, like the feeling of accidentally bruising a recovering wound. It will not hurt as much as it did the first time round, but nonetheless, it still does, but just a little. As the wound heals, these accidental bruising will just hurt less and less, and fade gradually over time. The wound will heal, and it is healing.

When I start thinking back, it simply feels like a bad case of deja vu. Something between reality and dreams. The kind of familiarity that leaves you bewildered and confused if it truly happened. Then, the more you think about it, the more it fades away and you start losing pieces of the familiarity. All you remember then, is the gist of it.

You stop wanting to talk about it, even when you start, you lose track of the events that happened and simply brush it off with a "It just wasn't right,". Perhaps, that's the last point before you truly heal. Its just a matter of time anyway.

You start telling yourself, it really wasn't meant to be.

Despite these, the lost love does leave impacts, subconsciously in you. I'm trying not to bring these uncertainties and distrust along with me. It's just harder for me to start a relationship now cos I've seen an ugly side. I'm just wary of being hurt the same way before. Now that I've let you go, it's time I truly let myself go.

I'm happy now. It's a whole new experience. Like how he puts it, our past experiences have enabled us to appreciate each other a whole lot more. Thanks for everything, dear.

curiously unique, slightly offbeat and yet heartwarming

When people grow old, they tend to become the way kids behave, demanding for attention, though less blatantly. But that's the way things seem to be. Just like my grandparents. They can squabble over every single little thing, and not speak to each other for an entire week, doing their own things and irritate the hell out of each other, just cos they know that the other doesn't like it. It puts me off at times, but over the years, we've all learnt how to let them squabble their heads off and we'll just laugh it off.

What just hit me over these couple of years, is how different relationships were in the past as compared to now. My grandparents have been married for over 50 years. Till date, despite the everyday squibbles and squabbles, the forever on-going cold wars, persistent jabs at each other, they're still going strong. Strong not in the sense they're still loving and all.

They sleep in separate rooms and all, but whatever they do, they will still think of each other. Like how my grandma will always grumble about stuff that she doesn't like doing for my grandpa whilst doing it. Like how my grandpa will always remind us to leave something unsweetened for grandma to eat (cos she has diabetes) while jokingly saying that this way, he can have all the sweet ones.

Just last month or so, my grandma fell down. Fractured her hand, not long after, there were metal bars all over the area she fell. My grandpa is a Do-It-Yourself kind of man. Fixed all the electrical stuff, made cabinets, grew plants, you name it, he fixed it, and he's STILL doing it. He fixed the metal bars so that IF she slips again, she'll have something to grab on for support.

It's such a heartwarming feeling to watch the both of them and they've stuck by each other all these years. I personally can't imagine being married for 50 years. Perhaps its the companionship they're treasuring. But I believe, they have never thought of leaving each other throughout the 50 over years, cos they have chosen to make the commitment to each other.

Relationships now, are made and broken with no qualms. If something goes wrong, one party probably bails out and looks for someone new. There isn't the commitment and loyalty to each other anymore. It's scary. But its a fact. It scares the hell out of me to make a commitment, half-knowing that when anything happens, the words of commitments are just....words.

Whispers of joy in melancholy

He makes me feel protected. I like.

Never had I felt this way before.

虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花

Prior to this, I had my msn nick as lyrics of "kiss goodbye". It somehow reminded someone of this line "虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花" which sums up my situation now. It literally means, even though falling flowers have the desire to flow along with running waters, yet running waters have no desire to bring along the fallen flowers. Yes, apparently I'm the fallen flowers.

That someone gave me another theory which I have heard of before but I have yet to put it into my context. Life is a stage. Some people take up the main lead, some supporting actors and some extras. Perhaps, I was the main lead once, now, I could be the supporting actress or even the extra. Or perhaps, I was never the main lead in the first place. Thinking about it, he was his own main lead. Everyone else was the supporting actors and actresses.

In another context, there are 3 main people in our lives. The person we love the most, the person who loves us the most, and the person we marry. We are all searching for this one person who satisfies all 3 main characters in our lives. But often so, these 3 characters are fulfilled by 3 different people.

Likewise for me, he may be the person I'll love the most and gave the most but he may not be the other 2 characters. I may be the person who love him the most, but he may not be the person I'll settle down with.

Similarly, he may be the person who has hurt me the most and I am the person he has hurt the most. But thats where our destiny will lead us to. Perhaps, one day, he'll truly regret, but it doesn't mean he'll be back. In fact, he already has moved on. Logically, there's nothing for me to hold on to. I'm just holding on to a shadow of his former self that is non-existant anymore. I know for a fact I shouldn't but I know I will move on. Someday. Hopefully soon.

Even if we get back together, things will definitely be different. I'll just going to get hurt even further. I should stop the pain now. Like what I say, just give me some time to hang on a little more. For me to totally get rid of the hope and shadow thats holding me back.

If he comes back now, I don't deny I'll take him back. But with every chance given, it means a whole new set of expectations that'll set the bar even higher. Every single time he doesn't meet that expectations, it'll all come down to square one again. I'm already at square one. I can start anew. I will do it.

Can't you just get out of my mind?
Stop driving me insane. Stop haunting me. Stop occupying my thoughts.
Its killing me...

Please...just go away. Like far far away. Don't even exist anymore if you're not planning to come back. Everything that happened in the last 2 years seems to run past my mind non-stop. Like some player with a spoilt stop button. It doesn't mean a thing to you, so why should I care?

Can't you just have mercy on me? I hate to wake up and I hate to fall asleep. Waking up would mean a rude shock of reality, falling asleep would mean I'm living in my own fantasy world where everything is all right. You're not helping.

It's so hard to pretend its okay. I'm totally not okay. I'm not recovering. I still want you back. But I can't and you won't. I have to accept it but I can't. I'm just forcing myself. I'm pushing myself to my limits, pushing myself over my limits, pushing myself to do what I can't, pushing myself to hate you, pushing myself to get over.

All I want to do is break down and cry and beg you to come back.

Good Riddance

You've said your piece. I know what I should do.

Like they say, "Good Riddance".

I will definitely be happier from now on. I will not bring my value down anymore.
What goes around comes around. Sooner or later. You'll be treated the exact same way. I will leave you alone. I don't care what you do, what you say. You mean nothing to me anymore. After all that you have done, what more do you expect me to do for you? Beg you to come back? Throw myself at you? Be at your mercy? Let you manipulate my thoughts? You wish.

You, are not even worth a space in my phone book. I will erase all your memories. I will fill the space with someone who's worth it. Someone who'll appreciate me more. Someone whom I deserve.

I hit the wall again. HARD. I don't seem to learn from my mistakes.

I'm losing myself again. Why is it so hard? Why is it that you're so complicated?

I've had enough. But I'm still going for more. When is it that I can finally be free from all these pain and sorrow?

They say once bitten twice shy. Apparently it doesn't mean a thing for me. I know I was dumb.

baby不要再哭泣
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握着你的手彼此都舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不如保持安静
给我一分钟专心
好好欣赏你的美
幸福搭配悲伤
痛是在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走
去跟随
每一次和你分开
深深的被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔
痛苦难以释怀
每一次kiss you goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白
----
但欠你的我不能给
我才明白爱最真实的滋味
我终于明白

~王力宏 kiss goodbye

It's taking all of me just to stay firm and not sway. I know if I just let go a little, I'll prolly start asking him to come back, though of no use, I'll still do it anyway.

Maybe by repeating these negativity I'll convince myself that what I'm doing is right. I just have to do it over and over again, on a hourly basis, on a daily basis. Until the day I truly believe what I'm saying.

I've repeated it so many times, it seems fictional. You seem to be fictional. Were you my imaginary friend? Were you conjured up by my mind? But the hurt and the pain is so real. So overwhelming. So intimidating. So tiring.

You're haunting me you know? I dream of you at night. I think about you in the day. It's a vicious cycle. I can let go, I can move on, I can give up, cos my heart is dead. But you just wont stop appearing in my mind. Why can't you just be a figment of my imagination? I'll be able to function normally then.

I wanted a simple love too. I thought it was. Everything that happened is so vivid. Like it just happened yesterday. Your messages from last year, I can remember word for word. You starting work, our non-stop messaging, your teasing, your touch, your hugs, tell me they aren't real. Tell me you never loved me before. Tell me you're just something that came out of nowhere.

I keep doing things that intensifies the pain. I feel myself hitting the wall each time. HARD. I feel so dumb, so stupid. For giving you my best, and this is what I get in return. Every single morning, I feel a slap of reality right smack on my face. The fact that you're no longer a sms away, a phone call away, a bus ride away. You're just not there anymore. Every single time I open my door, I have to remind myself I only have a set of keys now. No longer do I have 2 sets. To think I used to grumble.

I don't like to call you names but its the only way I can convince myself. For that moments I am actually able to be mad and convinced that I can go on without you. For now, I can be strong and will be strong so everyone won't be worried. This support thats holding me up in the day just crumbles at night. When it all sets in again.

I know I'll be fine. I know I won't fall entirely. Give me a little more time to mourn and grieve. I'm picking myself up again. Trust that I can do it. I feel like there's a gong in my head. I am standing up once more. One day I'll be able to go to places without thinking of you. One fine day, I'll be able to step into Holland V and walk pass your place without my heart weighing me down.One fine day, you wont mean a thing to me. One fine day, I will regret not letting go earlier.

One fine day, you, Allan Ang, will just be a name in my phone book.

A complete twist of fate

An unexpected twist of fate
Was what brought us together
Firmly believing in that
Treasured the gift so much

Things are never what they seem
The truth always hurts
Like a slap right in the face
Forceful and fatal


These happened for a reason
Awaiting the enlightenment
I'll come to terms with it
And emerge stronger and wiser

You chose this path
I'll walk down mine
Perhaps our paths will cross one day
I'll leave it to the people up there

My life lies in my hands
I won't let you control it further
I'll walk the talk and the line
For myself and those who care

You were just a passer by
Taking more than you should have
I didn't lose anything much
Just something I had gained

Everything happens for a reason.

I've learned

Don't say something you don't mean.

Stop playing mind games with me.

I will let you go. Don't underestimate me. It's just a matter whether I want to or not.

Now, I know I want to.

I feel so disappointed in myself.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is in fact such a man.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is such a disappointment.

I'm just so disappointed in you. I gave you more credit than that. I had more confidence in you. I believed that you could do it.

Get a hold on yourself. You can do much better than that.

My heart for you is dying. You made it this way. I'm not going to let you manipulate my feelings anymore. I don't deserve this. Even if I owe you anything, I've done more than enough. I DO NOT owe you anything, anymore, never did.

This is the path you chose. You be responsible for your own actions. You're old enough. When are you going to wake up and do what you have to do, what you're supposed to do?

No matter what, I still wish you the best. I pray you'd wake up in time and realise what is important to you. I hope you'll learn to become a better person. Prove them all wrong. Don't live the rest of your life with regrets.

I suppose in a way, I was blinded.

It's all but empty promises.

Over promised and under delivered.

That's what it all is.

Just let me hate you ya?

Why do I always feel like that on a Saturday?
My heart just goes to the rock bottom of the once again realisation of the situation.

I'm at a loss again. The determination running low with nothing to distract me.
I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to know. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to cry. It's been 2 weeks. I'm turning blind.

Remind me please...

I don't need him to take pity on me because I'm having a hard time letting go.

All I need is assurance that I will be happier and better off without him.

That is all I need to let go.

Please remind me to be happy. I seem to have forgotten how.
Please remind me to hate him. Just to give myself more reason to move on.

If I look all right, I am not inside.
If I smile, it doesn't mean I'm no longer hurting.
If I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm not crying inside.
If I keep quiet, please don't leave me alone.
If I say I'll be fine alone, please don't believe me.
If I say I need to cry, please don't ask me not to cry.
If I say I can't let go, please give me time to cry.
If I say I'm hurting, please give me a hug.
If I say I need you with me, I really do need you with me.
If I say I'm okay, I'm actually not, just feeling a lil better for that moment.
If I start going off track, please pull me back.
If I start going the wrong direction, please lead me back.

I lost myself.

There's only a thin line between love and hate.

You know, I think I'm reaching the point when I feel like I have alot to say, but when I come down to actually saying it, the events kind of slip past my mind. But all I feel like doing is to break down and cry.

Crying is just an outlet. To let off my frustrations and confusion. After I cry, I feel a little better, like I have the strength to move on somehow.

I tried so hard to change those negative feelings I had into hatred and blame. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me, for treating me this way, for being such an idiot, for lying to me, for making me fall so deeply in love with him, for making things so hard for me, for telling me that he has plans to settle down with me and gave it all up just like that, for reciprocating those feelings of hers, for breaking up with me, for giving up on us, for making me cry, for making me so confused, for making me so helpless, for making me so pathetic, for making me so needy, for making me so emotionally dependent, for making me feel that you're still with me, for making me feel that there's hope, for making me want you so bad, for making my friends worry about me, for making me have hope then bursting all my bubbles. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

After all, there's only a thin line between love and hate. I shall try harder to instill this thought into my head. Turn it into a drive for me to move on.

Why should I hold on when you're enjoying yourself? Why should I hold on when you're probably already attached? Why should I hold on when you're not even affected? Why should I hold on when you're no longer holding on? Why should I hold on when you don't even miss me? Why should I hold on when you're developing your feelings with her?

You only have her to msg. I have alot more ppl to msg. Then again, maybe that's all you need.

Even if you come back one day, I won't want you anymore. You won't come back I know. Thanks for nothing. I should have left alot of stuff at your place to remind you of me. Thanks for giving me a hard time. Thanks for making me cry so much I think I'm turning blind. Thanks for not being there anymore. Thanks for everything you have done.

Damn it. I'm a wreck.

Damn.

I woke up determined today. Determined to move on and let go.

I was so sure for the first half of the day, felt my will power getting stronger.

Then...

My colleagues started talking about it. My determination hit rock bottom.

I'm struggling to keep it up now.

I'm flying a kite now. Let's just hope it won't snap.

My thoughts are killing me...

I really want to give you and myself space to discover ourselves. I just don't know how to let myself go. Before I let you go, I have to learn to let myself go first. I have to instill in me that I want to move on more than anything in the world. I want to let go.

Part of me feels that if I don't let go, he won't. I will stop thinking like that. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointment. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments.

Maybe we should concentrate, as in concentrate hard on being friends for now. Learn about each other again, learn about ourselves, rediscover each other. We never started to be friends, we were colleagues, then lovers. Yes, that's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.

I feel so much like fainting now...

Why didn't you work with me when you could, when you felt that something was wrong?

Why are you taking it all on yourself, when I could and wanted to share it all with you?

Why didn't you give me a chance to work with you in this?

Why are you so magnanimous now? Just because you feel that this is the best for me? Who gave you the authority to decide what's best for me?

Why did you take matters into your own hands?

Why are you so selfish?

Why are you so caught up in your own warped ideas?

Why can't you be selfish again this time?

Where have you gone?

I hate feeling like this so much. Like everything's not within my control, everything's up to an unknown factor that no one knows, that may happen, or may never happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want to let him decide what's best for me. I don't want him to do this. I want to go home and cry.

I'm tired, tired of crying.

I understand where everyone is coming from, and these have crossed my thoughts a hundred million times. You all know its hard to change my mind, cos I don't even know what I'm thinking at times, I can't think straight. Why am I letting him do this to me?

I've been talking about it so much, so much, I lost track of the events. What happened doesn't seem to be as significant anymore.

You told me not to keep dwelling in the details, in what happened, so that it'll be easier to let go.

I suppose in a way, you're doing slightly better cos you're able to differentiate work. Perhaps, mahjong is an escape for you. Next up, world cup, and after that, you'll be up on your feet again. At least that's how I perceive it.

I don't know how badly you're taking it, you don't seem to be very in touch with your feelings. You don't know if you have let me go. I just don't know if I CAN let you go.

You seem to be still into it, yet, trying to get out. Okay, that's me too.

I want you to be sad, yet I want you to be happy.
I want you to mope, yet I want you to smile.
I want you to grieve, yet I want you to laugh.
I want you to move on, yet I don't want you to let me go.

I'm a mess.

I wanted to be selfish, to keep reminding you of my existence, just so you won't move on so quickly. My angel tells me to do what's best for you, even if you don't want me to contact anymore. Just so that you'll be happy.

I've been telling everyone the same thing and I know it in my heart too. If I don't move on, I'll never find the one person who's truly meant for me. But what if you're the one who's truly meant for me and I go one big round finding the one and I can't get back here cos you have moved on without me?

That's life, I know.

I just want to be selfish for once. Really selfish. Can I?

But I don't want to waste your time.

Damn it. What's wrong with me????

Goodbye my lover.

Thank you to those who lent a ear, a shoulder, lotsa tissues.

I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to start picking myself up, I don't know how to let go. Everything I did, everywhere I went, reminded me of times we spent together. I miss your hands. I miss your hugs. I miss your laughter.

I miss you.

I know I have to let go and move on. I know precisely what I have to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands. The nights are especially unbearable. The worst, the waking up, the realisation that its all NOT a dream. Its real. You're never going to wake up next to me again.

Part of me still refuses to let go, holding on to a tiny glimpse of hope that you'll be back for me. I know I shouldn't. I know I know I know. I deleted your number. You told me its still in my head. You told me that to inform you if I ever were to change my number. You got worked up when you misunderstood I didn't want to contact you anymore.

I know I'm in self denial. I know I'm helpless and lost. I lost myself. All I can think about the whole day is you, us, what could have been done, if only...
I hate the reflection in the mirror. I feel like a zombie. I can't eat, can't sleep. I know its not the end of the world. I know I can move on. I don't know how I'll react if he gets attached, or married.

I feel lost not messaging him, I've been messaging him everyday for the past 2 yrs plus. No more messages, no more calls, no more hands, no more hugs, no more laughter, no more us.

You saw me through my transition from a student to a working adult. You saw my tears, my laughter, my ignorance, my plans, my stubborness, my indecisiveness. You were my pillar of strength. Tell me how to be strong, when the pillar is down? Your simple touch gave me comfort and strength to go on. Now, your simple touch makes it so much harder to move on and let go.

My heart aches with regrets. I feel like I'm going to break down very soon. I want so much to hate you so I wouldn't hurt. I can't. You taught me alot of things, most importantly, to be independent and strong. Ironically, I became independent in some ways, yet emotionally, dependent on you. I was strong, cos I know somewhere behind me, you'd be giving me support. Its different now. I'm all alone.

I never despised or doubted your abilities. You know it. I was falling deeper while you were pulling out. Yes I agree, its a pity. A pity for us. I want to undo it. I don't want to undo it. I don't know.

Believe in yourself baby, you know you are much more than what they see. I know it. We didn't manage to prove everyone wrong. Our relationship of 2 yrs 2months was a total test of endurance, faith, commitment, devotion and acceptance. I'm sorry for what I did during the past week, it was all cos I was too afraid I'd lose you. Yet, the more I wanted you back, the more I was pushing you away.

Yesterday, was supposed to mark our 2 years and 2 months, the day we first held hands.

Yesterday, marked the day we start our separate lives once again.


I lost a lover.

I gained a best friend.

Where we go from here, only heaven knows...