It was a really bad two weeks, those who know knows, how bad it was. I was literally clinging onto every single bit of support I had.

Within the span of the 2 weeks, I drifted from being in self-denial to resentment, from resentment to realization, with the countless breakdowns in between. When the realization set in, the waiting was too much to bear. I'm glad the agony is over, and here comes the sunshine after the rain, sheltered by lots of hard work ahead.

As much as I'd like to think so, I haven't been a good partner, let alone, the best partner. It wasn't a case of insufficient effort, or anything along the likes, but I discovered how easy it was to take things for granted. Not intentionally of course, I've always felt that I wouldn't fall trap to that phase, that I cherish every moment of it. 

In fact, I do. I cherish and treasure every moment of it, but at the same time, I had been selfish and inconsiderate. No matter how much you want to be caring and giving, it doesn't equate to truly caring and giving. 

He makes me happy. 

However, every time we have a disgreement or spat over something, I'd keep my feelings inside, cos things would be well and I didn't want to risk it and receive some adverse reactions. Coupled with how easy it was for me to get over it, I usually let it die down and sizzle out.

I got used to it, and I stopped talking to him. I don't mean silence, but not sharing. I was starting to take it for granted that he had to know what was going on in my head. I expected him to know, and when he didn't, I got upset, but I wouldn't share, and the vicious cycle goes on and on. Thing is, every time he didn't understand what was going on inside my head, I was building up blame inside me. Blame turned to resentment, which turned to unhappiness. I didn't understand why he was feeling what he was feeling. I shut him out first, yet I expect him to know what I wanted. I became so emotionally demanding of him, without realizing it.

What a bitch of a girlfriend I was.

When what happened happened, I was torn. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying, my work was going hell, even colleagues were asking if I was fine. Truth is, I wasn't. But I couldn't let it go on like that. For the first time in my life, I'm in a happy position at work, and I'm loving everything, every bit of stress, every frustration, every complain, every single part of it. I cannot afford to let it go down the drain. I took the silence of his more seriously than I should, I became incredibly over-sensitive.

His words were daggers that drove straight into my heart, his actions (or rather, lack of it) were 30kg weights on my shoulders. Every tiny action of his drove me crazy, left my brain in a wreck and my eyes all red and swollen. Even normal actions suddenly sparked crazy ideas in my head. I was driving myself crazy. Until I took myself out of my shell and stepped into his did I see how it was. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to turn back time, if I could.

This is where, the waiting can kill. 

I knew I wanted to be there for him, no doubt bout that. Yet at the same time, I knew in order to be truly there for him, I had to let all my negativities out before I could give. The 3 days were a pain, it was a slow death. It wasn't easy for me to let it out to him finally. Tears flowed, I guess more as a relief than anything else. I could only hope that he would take it the right way and that it doesn't backfire on me.

2 days after the "ordeal", I'm glad I mustered the courage to let it out. I'm glad I realized what I realized, from now on, it's time to learn from past mistakes. I'm ready to give and take, and it feels good. 

I'm back in my happy place. ;>

I feel perturbed.

It really is an odd feeling, one of being in the middle of being relieved, and disturbed at the same time. I take pride in giving my best in almost every single relationship I've had, save for the one mistake that never should have begun. I believe that's the way to go, what's the point in holding back and treating the relationship like a strategic game, one in which I've never been good at anyway.

Relationships to me are meant to be.....a sheltered playground. A place or even, a comfort zone if you like, that I can go to when I'm feeling happy or sad. It's a emotional and mental destination, it's an assurance that things are fine, it's a arm to hold on to in a crowd of strangers. It's a hug in a storm, and a ray of sunshine on a freezing morning, all in one. It can be so bitter at times, but it's still ironically addictive, and the only other thing that keeps you sane and insane.

Peel away this layer of dreamy fantasy, I do know that's not how relationships always are. In between each hug, each kiss, each smile, there's a tear-jerking moment, many doubts, a handful of fights peppering the journey. It's also a race and a battle to hold on to our true selves, keeping the simple belief and faith of love amidst the practical burdens we bind ourselves to.

It's been..... quite a ride. 

Things have changed, like we all expect it to, the only constant that will remain. Gone are the silly grins and countless messages. The relationship has set in, so has the obstacles and all. I am still in love but yes, I have my doubts too. Perhaps, being too supportive and caring, can be a flaw and a burden on someone.

Like I've said, and stand true to it, I don't need my guy try his best to keep things the way they were. He should only feel bad if he hasn't put in effort at all. With thoughts racing through my mind faster than I can consolidate and type, I seem to begin to falter.

I need a sign, or rather, I need the assurance. 

I used to not be able to eat alone, I thought it was something crazy and no way was I going to do that, or rather, no way was I able to do that. I moved on to eating alone at fast food places, McDees became my favourite haunt during exam periods. Nonetheless, I maintained not being able to dine alone in food courts, or hawker centres, where better food could be found at a price less of a burden on my pocket. Now, I find myself looking forward to eating alone, where I don't have to compromise with others what to eat, or compromise my pocket as a result of someone else's craves or ridiculous budgets for a meal. I'm not turning into a hermit crab, I just enjoy that once in awhile, when I've had a long, hard day and I just want to find time to catch my thoughts and breathe a little slower. In ways more than one, I find it amusingly therapeutic and calming amidst the chaos and clanking of pots and pans.

It's tough illustrating how much I want to help you and ease the weight on your shoulders. It is frustrating, it is heart wrenching, I really wish I can do more, but this is as far as I can go - to just be there, to support, to soothe, to listen, to understand and to encourage, with no indication whether it's what you need, or what you want, or if it's sufficient.

If bringing dinner to you can help even a teenie weenie bit, I'll do it, every single day.

If accompanying you home even just for a distance would help, I'd do it, every single day.

I often wish, you could come home to me, so I can listen to your woes and assure you things will be fine, so you won't have to travel the distance just to take a rest.

I often wish, my actions, my hugs, my touches could heal, but they can't, that I'm sure. I can't help in a big way, that I know for sure, I don't need you to tell me that. Anything remotely significant or that would make a difference, even if it brings a smile to your face for a minute, I'll try.

I'm not hoping to do something big and changing, but I honestly hope, the many little things could somewhat, somehow, make things seem better, let you know that there's always a shelter away from the storm.

I'd bring you there and stay there with you, for as long as we can.

I want a magic wand, a special power, or simply, a smile to make everything seem to be right. Facing reality, I have none of the above and it pains to see what you're going through.

I'm getting irritated at myself for repeating the same old stuff again and again, about wanting you to be happy, and letting you know I'm here. But that's what I really want to say, and I mean it all.

I'm here if you need a hug, or just a listening ear. 

It's been close to a year now, everything happened so fast, yet so slow, yet it seemed like it only happened a couple of weeks ago. Is it a dream, or is it my fairytale come true?

Maybe it's a test, for you, for me, and for us. It is trying, but it makes the happy hours so much more precious.

No, I haven't forgotten. Not quite yet, and I doubt I will. Ever.

The assumptions, accusations and mistrusts are constantly on my mind. If anything, it's been magnified, more than ever and ever.

I can fake a smile in front of you, I can choose to ignore, I can be as superficial about this as I need to. I'll never forget, I'll never let myself forget. Yet, one thing I can never do, is pretend none of this has ever happened before.

No, I can't and I won't. 

The year in review

Well, it's the time of the year again, when resolutions are set, when we all look back and sigh in happiness, or regrets, yadah yadah yadah...

Looking back, while cringing with the cliche-ness of it all, it's been a rather eventful year, or did I say the same thing last year? Oh wells.

I job-hopped, I went in and out of relationship and into another, I spent a good 6 months totally devoted to myself, and now, I'm stepping into the new year entirely unexpectedly.....jobless but happy, worried and in debt. Yes, I haven't paid my school fees.

First things first, I am happy, happy as a la la la lark. I have the sucky times too, but I'm still happy. Contradicting as it seems, its a kind of feeling that makes me feel all fuzzy and soft on the inside. I know I'm happy cos I can throw my head back and laugh loudly, without having to catch myself in time to worry about how stupid I look, my nails aren't nicely manicured, my hair isn't perfect, I still look horrible in pictures, I'm not thin enough, my eyes aren't big enough, my teeth aren't straight, bottomline is, I am contented, except for the jobless part.

I think I'm losing my point here.

We all have different expectations of ourselves, our lives, our friends, every single person around us. How we should behave, how they should behave, how we should be treated, how they should be treated. How things are going in my life may not be accepted by anyone else, but to reassure all, I am happy and I'm happier when I see everyone else being happy.

We all need happy fins, or tons of chocolate for that matter.

I love my man. I love my friends. It's amazing how my friends and his friends can all go out together, something I never dared to imagine happening. But it is so, right in front of my very eyes. I see everyone laughing together, spending X'mas together, and I just want to sigh and be embraced by all the love in the air.

If you're happy and you know it, you clap your hands. It's a simple kind of happiness and contentment. Simple and nice. I crave for simplicity and embrace simple satisfaction. I wish all joy and happiness, peace and love in the new year ahead.

What's yours will be yours, things happen for a reason, you may not see it this year, but you will in due course.

I love all of you my lovelies, and not forgetting, I love you precious, thanks for everything and everything.

Cheers to a spankin' good 2008!

19.11.2007

It’s down to the split of the crossroads again.

Even my mind and heart is split into so many different directions – one part of me simply wants to throw in the towel and take a break before saying hi again to the hustle and bustle of the business politics once again.

The other part is a non-stop flashing reminder that there’s not much time left for the job hunt so as to keep my finances in a steady flow.

It’s down to the point of the year, or rather, one of the many points of the year when I am drained mentally. This verge of mental breakdown is happening more and more frequently – the feeling of being entirely squeezed dry.

Before I started school, I was very sure I could handle it.

I am still surviving every semester, still managing a couple of distinctions (read: a COUPLE), but it seems like school’s never going to end. I started in August 2006 and most likely, it’ll stretch till end 2008 – approximately 2 years to get a degree isn’t too bad I guess, though I’d like and want it to end soon.

Not only will it put a stop to the financial woes, I’ll have more time to myself, more time for me to do other stuff.

I don’t have any regrets doing this degree, and I will definitely complete it no matter what it takes, or how long it takes. It’s a personal goal, it’s a commitment I set myself to, and I’m not going to let it pull me down.

Yet, it is affecting me. My memory is dwindling with my mind cramped with so much stuff. My sleep is occupied with thoughts of work, and I feel like I haven’t slept in years.

I’m fat – I attribute that to lack of sleep and the need for food to assist the overworking of the brain, it doesn’t help much that I belong to a carnivorous department that practically eats 5 meals a day, this also attributes to my sudden reduction in wallet size.

To go to class at least twice a week to get mindraped after work simply isn’t a pleasant sight. How many times have my classmates commented I look really tired and stressed? Countless. Having said that, there has also been too many times I’ve dropped the idea of going to class just cos I was either too mentally tired to go there and attempt to absorb any more of those theories and what’s not, or I was simply too physically exhausted traveling up and down half of Singapore.

I’ve been feeling like I can’t give my best to both work and school and it’s putting me in a dilemma – to continue in a full time job and part time studies, like what I’m doing now, a job that’s more fulfilling, or get a monotonous, literally 9 – 6, leave on the dot kind of job where I can put in less energy in work and put more into my school and myself.

Frankly, I don’t want to miss out on the practical job experience, especially in such an industry where experience counts for so much more. But in exchange for that, I’d have to sacrifice my school and sleep time.

I haven’t had the energy to sit down and watch a television program, or read a book in ages.

At the same time, give me a monotonous data entry job and 3 months down the line, I’ll probably bore myself to death.

I don’t like the feeling of not being able to perform to what I know I can do. I know I can do much more than what I am doing now, both at work and in school, I just don’t have the energy to do more.

I still want to hit the goal we set that was supposed to be reached when I hit 25, even if it seems really far off now.

I still want to do what I’ve set out to do.

No doubt, I am contented. For the chances I’ve got, thankful for everything so far. It’s just these nitty gritty stuff that accumulates into an avalanche that’s swallowing me whole right now.

I don’t think I ask for much, just a nice stable yet interesting job, with nice colleagues, a nice paycheck that gives me the ability to spend comfortably, a place I spend most of days where I wouldn’t dread going to everyday, a desk where I can happily decorate the way I want it, without having to stop and think if I’ll be there for long.

Perhaps, like how Ling says, “还没尝到甜味，就先苦死”

Nonetheless, it is an uphill battle, and it is MY battle. I may just die in the process, most likely not, but I may just drive myself insane.

Right now, at this very moment, while grumbling about all these in the office at 7 pm with 1.5 hours OT time, all I feel like doing is go to my baby, give him a big hug for the great work he’s done, snuggle up and watch some funny comedy, laugh my head off and fall asleep in his arms, without having to worry about me or him having to wake up for work on time tomorrow.

It’s been said it’ll be a good year for those born in the year of the Ox in 2008.

I wish.

I've gotten so used to rolling stuff about in my head until I feel like my head weighs 84641354 kg and it's gonna drop off any time soon, I don't know how to write down my thoughts anymore.

With a thousand and one things running through my head, the old me would have ranted on and on, be it the old school pen and paper way, or just tapping on the keyboard just the way I am. I've been staring at the screen for half an hour now, trying to consolidate the runaway pieces of thoughts, but, it's about as messed up as my room is now.

Same old stuff, same old laments, just different day, different impact.

I'll hold my peace, for now, till then. It is all still getting to me, drilling slowly but surely into my head, I just pretend.

My little piece of borrowed joy.

Since donkey years ago, I've always wanted a dog of my own. It's a way deeply buried wish which I know will not come true living in this house. But, it's well buried, so no worries. Just a pang of jealousy escapes every now and then, but I'm satisfied with some borrowed joy.

Utterly adorable, ain't he?

Yes, I'm still talking about the dog. :P

That's right, we chose them for a reason only we can see.

I chose you for many things others can't see, for many things loveable, for many things simple, for many things heartfelt, for many things only I feel, for many things I feel for, for many things I hurt for.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I stand true to it, and I cross my fingers and heart, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger too.


It's still a 24/7 passion.

"A rubber band once stretched, will never regain its original proportions. Likewise for one's mind."

There are some things that can't be stretched. You can try. Just be prepared for the snap.

I often find myself telling others to be strong, that things will always find a way to work themselves right. That's what I constantly remind myself too. Even if they don't turn out right, I'll make sure it does, to the best of my abilities. Every single time I tell someone to be strong, I have to tell myself to be four times stronger. Only then, I can safely remind them to be strong, cos I can be sure that I am able to be there to catch anything that falls.

My memory is failing me, honestly. It's getting harder and harder for me to remember things. Not the short term memory loss like, after a while I'll recall it kind of memory failure. Instead, horrifyingly, it's like someone just went on a cleaning frenzy in my head. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't think right. But it's fine. I make do.

I try my best to start my day and everyone else's day around me positively. Brushing away any negative comments that come my way. It gets harder at times, especially when you're trying so hard to crawl out from under that insane amount of reports you have to send all over the world.

A lesson I learnt, or rather, something that I already know and I'm trying to drill into the thick skull of mine, is to never ever let my guard down.

I cannot ever catch myself thinking..."How nice, everything's all fine and dandy. Everyone around me is safe and happy." The next thing I know, something will, definitely, fall out of place and I cannot let that happen, especially to people I love.

Too many things have happened over the week to prove this point. I'm determined not to reach the point of being complacent and satisfied when everything goes on well.

I am my worst critic, I'm sorry.

Right now, I don't need anything else except 48 hours in a day. Or just let me fall.

Grease.

I love musicals. Absolutely do. I loved Chicago. Then there was Phantom of the Opera. Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Of course, who could forget Blades, our very own Sandy aka dear Christina Tong Szee Chia.

I have one musical, my all-time favourite. I've caught it countless times, the songs still make me swoon, I still crave to watch it. Ignoring the comparison of John Travolta's fat image now to then, of course.


Grease.


With zero recollections who, how, where got me totally won over with this timeless classic, I just feel the sudden urge to get my hands on it.

There are some things said that can never be unsaid, whether you mean it a not, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just doesn't work that way.

Like the time...

She said I stole $5 from her.

She said I was going out to seduce men.

She said I was out gallivanting.

He said he agreed with me and that I was right, but I've to listen to her solely cos she's who she is.

Or the many times she implied I depended on men for money.

She said I was dumb.

She said she doesn't trust me.

Albeit history, these words flash past my eyes every single time I see her. The countless times that she said she don't mean it the way she said doesn't make a least bit difference. What's said cannot be unsaid.

New phrases of such can be said, they no longer hurt as much. When put together, the words actually have a numbing effect. It doesn't change things, it just makes me immune and oblivious to the harsh, insulting attacks.

It's like, how I accidentally lunged my thumb into a pot of hot boiling oil while cooking some years back. Possibly more than a decade ago. It doesn't put me off cooking, but it hurt so bad, I'll never forget. It did take a quite some time for me to start using that pot again.

I don't forget. I simply get over the hurting.

When tear glands and all else fails, make the best out of every situation.

I'm not blessed with active tear glands. Even at the point when I really feel like it, it's hard for me to do so. Only to the point when certain limits are reached.

I don't know what to say, cos I'm over it. He's not, and I have no idea how long this will be. I'm reaching my wits end.

Somebody tell me what to do. Seriously. I have no freaking idea and its driving me insane. Every single thing I do, I get a hurting comment. When I say it hurts, it really does and I do not like being treated like that.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Our very first trip.

KL couldn't have been finer. The shopping wasn't too great, the food's fantastic, most of it all, the company was fantastically and absolutely fabulous! I had so much fun and laughters, I think my jaw almost dislocated. Not forgetting, it almost became a case of murder.

We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.

Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.

Staying right next to Hard Rock Cafe KL, we couldn't have missed a nice dinner there! A nice dinner it was..in fact, it was so good, we couldn't stand straight after dinner. The portions were so huge, the man was so insistent that they made a mistake with our order and decided to give us both the right order and the wrong order together!

I enjoyed myself thoroughly, it was a really good break, now I have one day to mentally prepare myself to get back to the work momentum, which I can't help but sigh. Next up's the BBQ and the chalet.

I'm a happy, happy girl!

We all have our past, right doings and wrong doings alike, they make us the person we are now. At least for me. I am the person I am, I think the way I think now, I behave the way I behave now, I believe what I believe now, cos of how my past has moulded me to become.

Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.

Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.

I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.

For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?

Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.

Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.

Before it slips my mind, congratulations my dear! I knew you could do it! Now you can buy us presents from all over the whole wide world! My girls make me beam with pride.

Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.

It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...

A fact staring straight right at my face, that I simply refuse to acknowledge, out of denial, out of despair.

When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.

I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.

It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.

The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.



Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...

We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"

This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.

Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.