joke's over. the end.

i walk around alone pretty much these days. gives me lots of chances to think. think about what happened, what has yet to happen, what should have happened but did not...

a small retreat alone makes a difference. its like taking a step back from things to see it in a larger picture. does it all mean anything?

i was a joke, maybe i still am. i'm gonna try my best to change that.

think...
laugh...
learn...
move on.

no one waits for people to wake up and get moving. in fact, no one waits. they just move further and further away from you.

small doses of these makes you drowsy

maybe its only at the very end...till we really start seeing what was at the beginning...

sudden brush with death

i think i shall faithfully go early to my grandparents' place this saturday. maybe what happened was a warning to me, or maybe it was a coincidence. but it hit me real hard. right smack where it hurt the most.

sometimes its such things that make me stop and think. why am i putting so much importance in the things which do not require much attention, yet taking for granted stuff that are important to me.

i dont want people i love to die. please dont.

tears dont flow and i wonder why

i hate interviews. i hate people asking me to describe myself. how on earth do you expect me to answer that?! i hate this part where i'm neither here nor there. oh. i'm somewhere. i'm unemployed.

everything's a blur now. everyday all i do is look at job ads, job ads, classified ads, MORE job ads, MORE classified ads, send resumes, send emails, send EVEN MORE resumes. thats all. feel like taking a longer break before i start work. go for a holiday, enjoy myself, have a clear mind before moving on to the working world. the thing is, if i dont look for a job now, i dont know how long i'll take to get a job. what if. just what if. choy choy choy. i dont get a job for months. i'll be living on bread and maggie mee everyday. i'll rot and die of extreme flour poisoning. and BALD. goodness!

it used to be me working among my poly mates. the only one. now, i'm the only unemployed creature around. i'm gonna get a job. though i dont feel like working in a big company, i like small and cosy offices. i shant be choosy for now. i dont have the qualities to be choosy.

i miss studying. or rather. i miss knowing that for the next couple of years, i dont have to worry about having a job, having a route in life. it used to feel like "i still have 2 more years to worry about getting a job. think so much for what?". now its different. i feel old. can i not grow up?

interview's next week. i guess i'll have to put aside such thoughts. no use crying over the past. i mean since my life's moving on and time doesnt wait, i have to move on with it to right? i cant stay here sitting around missing old times and thinking about what i USED to do. i've got to think ahead, grow up to suit and adapt to stuff around me.

i admit i procrastinate. though i hate it when people pressurise and push me into things, i appreciate their intentions. sometimes i just need a push. sorry my dearest people around me. sorry for snapping.

12th June 2005

i never thought i'll leave this place before everyone else. i thought i'd see it close, help to close it like how i helped open it. it turned out otherwise.

as i left i kept telling myself. i made the right decision. i cant hold on to something that wont be there for long. true, that place means a lot to me. it was the place i had so much fun with my friends, where we would laugh till we teared. it was also the place i met my boyfriend. the place i learnt so much from. but one cant hold on to these sentiments and live like there's no tomorrow. soulfood isnt going to last past one month. and i got a whole lot more to think and worry about.

i hope you understand. i do want to stay and help out as much as i can. but things are getting harder. its getting harder for me to drag myself to work, to look forward to whatever the day is going to bring me. it has become a routine. a routine i dread and cant wait to leave behind.

like what i said, i dont want work to contribute or a cause of our fights. its not worth it. work is work and i wont bring it out of where it should be. i'm tired of things going on there. tired of the vicious cycles that happen and happen again. i need a break. i need to have time to think for myself. i need time to think about what i want and what i'm going to do. i want you to be the friends i turn to outside work, where i can grumble and complain about work, and not having to worry that whether what i say will affect us at work.

it isnt really a great day like what i originally thought. it was harder to leave than i thought and expected. but, there is still a sense of relief. i still feel pangs of regret here and there. i still wonder whether i made the right decision. whats done is done. i've quit. now i feel lost. i dont know what i'm going to do tomorrow.

i'm officially unemployed.

i dont like to be at home.

maybe its the lack of emotional belonging that i feel this way. the only time when i feel like being at home is when i know that i'm the only one and everyone is out and that i can do what i want to do. even at home i'm restricted. this lack of emotional belonging is a feeling i'm used to. since young, i've gotten used to the feeling of being more attached to other people, friends, neighbours etc, more than anyone else in the family.

home. home is just a noun. a noun i call a place i live in. it means nothing much actually. my mother is my mother. not a mum. i've never called her "my mum". it has been "my mother". like i've always envied others, when they are able to sit down and really talk to their mums. like have fun, joke, make fun of, cry, laugh with their mums. i've tried to talk to her. but too many times have i been shut out that i stopped trying. an attempt to talk to her, is equivalent to a greater attempt to interrogate me. interrogate in the sense as in "you did something wrong but you're not telling me." or "so, your friends did this, did you do it to?" it puts me off. totally. to the extent i no longer talk at home.

in recent times, i even stopped spending time at home. i've been going out since before daybreak till after the sun sets. basically i never see the sun. i feel better outside. its just the feeling of being out. leaving the house and locking the door behind me is a feelign of relief. a relief from a hated routine that has been supposedly cultivated in me.

words like "you better behave yourself outside", "you are old enough. so you should know what to do and what not to do", "remember. no alcohol. no smoking. no bla bla bla.", "you went drinking right?" etc. anyone would know i dont smoke. ANYONE. my mother makes me feel like i'm some cheap girl hanging outside. oh yes. one more. "girls dont stay out so late. girls should behave properly. its a dangerous world outside. so you should stay at home. are you out with a guy?" plus various attempts to hint to me that i should not be some slut and project some slutty image to guys.

i'm used to it really. though it still hurts from time to time. times when i really wished that i could have a better relationship with her. times that i see other people go out with their mums. times when i wish i could just stay at home and talk to her. times when i can tell her what nice stuff my bf did for me. times when i need to let off stress. times when i can just cry to her. but i'm really really used to it. these stuff just goes into a ear and comes out through the other. i'm well trained.

after 2 nights outside. i dont miss home at all. i dont even have the feeling of going back. i'm just going back cos i have to. not because i want to. to her, my house is my hotel. to me, its just a place i have to be in at the reported times.

all but a surprise

its all but something foreseen.

contradiction isnt good. maybe sometimes, the perfect and happy ending has to be created. fix the pretty pieces and ugly pieces together. only then, can they compliment each other to become your beautiful picture.

nutshell

i want to live in my shell...
a shell of protection i hold with all my loved ones inside
keep things simple and nice
seeing the things i want to see
dont care if i rot and wilt
thats how you grow and learn
can i not?
do i have a choice?
is it within my control?
refusing to grow and move on isnt the way to block out unhappiness
what happened to the world i knew
where has the people i knew gone to
what am i now
a nobody
insignificant

cross-junctions

i'm scared. freaking terrified.

tell me how to get someone back to his feet with a job, a steady income and the belief that things will turn out well, and that it is okay to plan for the future? someone who's just lost his job, havent been able to get a job, set back with debts, and debts that seem neverending, and desperately needs to get over his debts in order to get up and moving with his life no matter how much he wants to.

i dont know how.

all i can say and can do now is just to be there to motivate. to listen. to support.

i'm worried. so is he. but, being stuck in a line thats so diverse and yet restricted, isnt something very encouraging. i dont want him to be on the verge of selling his house, or even worse, to the extent of bankruptcy. his house, his home. a place he retreats every single day. a place he can call his own. now, i'd rather he went to vietnam. may be i'll lose him totally if he went, maybe the single and yet attached feeling would drive me nuts, maybe only being able to see him every 2 months would make me change my mind, maybe the thought of him bringing home a vietnamese bride will drive away my sanity, but at the very least, i know that he's fine and he'll be able to get on with his life and settle his debts.

i cant explain how i feel, cos a thousand thoughts are rushing through my mind right now and i cant type fast enough to explain. my face is aching trying to hold back the tears though he isnt here right now. i thought. i believed, that after that episode, i'd be able to share with them. i dont need advice cos i know no one can help. i just need someone to listen. someone for me to cry to. i've tried time and time again to talk to them. it doesnt help by not getting even an acknowledgement.

i thought that after that episode, maybe we'll at least try to talk. apparently i was wrong. its like, one day we're fine, and one day we're not. i dont know what the hell is happening. they said, they lost me. have i not lost them too? my stand will remain the same, and so shall theirs. i dont see how any more debates will get us anywhere. when i wanted to talk, was anyone willing to listen.

for one, do not judge my boyfriend because of the number of jobs he had or how quickly he changed jobs cos no one, including me, can truly understand how much he had to endure while in those jobs. he didnt ask for a ridiculous boss, did he?

they can say i havent tried hard enough. i've tried proving this point time and time again. it still wasnt enough. i still love them as my friends, but if this is the point thats going to repeat itself again and again. i wonder how much time they spend judging me and evaluating me. i know i wont be able to convince them how much i value them, but if they truly believe they havent had me, i am speechless.

my point is still valid to me, though thats all i have to say. you guys probably dont trust me that much after all. i will still ask u guys out once in a while, one thing i can be sure is it wont be often which i'm sure you guys know best, but i'm not so sure whether you will turn up anot. but for now, take care and i sincerely and honestly love you guys and will definitely be there when you need me, whether you believe anot.

a few days ago, i told farena and yk at work that i was dying. cos i was getting this headaches constantly after hitting my head. i still am but i'm not going to do anything about it. i exaggerated of cos i'm not going to die. i'm really still looking forward to the day that i can drive and make my father sit in the back of the van. haha. but i am one who thinks alot, in fact, lots of out of this world stuff, i can imagining myself dying and getting hit by a car and stuff. but i'm too gutless to really go out there and do it. not totally because i'm gutless.

but really because i honestly believe that there's alot more worth living for. everytime things get really bad for me, i know deep down inside, i'm not the only one deep in shit. and if they can get their feet going, why cant i? i love doris. she's one incredible woman. doris, if you're reading this, i know things have been hard on you, though i dont know whats really going on or whether you're going to tell me, but no matter what happens, you still have us and most importantly your kids. when it gets too hard, take a short break and move on. your kids are doing that. no matter how bad things can go, i'm sure you know that things wont remain like that forever. so smile, and you can scold me all you want. i'm used to it anyway. =) and really doris, we all really love you alot!

cheers to winson, que sera sera.


last words, love yourself.

love him. hate him.

i'm kind of enjoying the school-less days now. though i know i should get my ass off the chair and go get a job. i need the money. pay off my driving lessons and start saving up money. isnt easy to not be able to spend and shop and having to watch how much i spend, but i have to i guess. its getting harder and harder.

guess ah jie's right. both of us have finally gotten our priorities right. or rather me. i think by not putting so much focus on where our relationship is heading makes it simpler and less pressurising on the both of us. we're having a whole lot more fun and we can talk about alot more stuff now. knowing that we support each other in whatever decision both of us make, and knowing that he's there to guide me along. its nice. the main focus in his life now is to get his career back into shape in order to think bout other things. whereas for me, i want to get my next step right and start off on the right foot. i love spending time with him now, even if i have to spend time watching tv alone at his place. cos somehow, he's making it a point to talk to me and get me involved in whatever he's doing ever since i told him how i felt.

i look at him now in a different light now that i've straighten things with myself, and i love him a whole new level up. the tingles are starting to come back and i'm happy to know that he's trying very hard to make sure everything goes well. basically i think i just drive him mad cos i'm constantly making him do silly stuff. do not ask me what. but they're real dumb. trust me.

times like i would purposelly call when i know he's watching tv just to irritate him, times when i bombard him with messages that he do not understand, times that he's forever stealing my munchies, times that he would purposelly make me do stuff so that he can laugh at me, times that he talk in his sleep asking me to call his platoon sergeant. and not forgetting the 67 missed calls and the many times he locks his keys in his room and get stuck in the living room waiting for help to come.

i shall end this night with a smile on my face.

be silent.

i'm shutting out.

shutting out unwanted and undesired noise. NOISE.

shutting out everything i dont wish to hear. dont wish to hear.

shutting out images i dont want to see. i wish i can.

shutting out the rising anger in me.

trying very hard to keep quiet.

trying very hard to keep my mouth shut.

trying very hard to keep my cool.

trying very hard to get her voice out of my head.

trying very hard to not hear her sarcasm.

i shall shut up.

____________________________________

stupid ideas. keep repeating the same old stuff. keep bringing out the past issues and repeat them over and over again. very fun right? grumbling, complaining, screaming, threatening, self-pitying is all you do. wow. i'm impressed. cos you thought me nothing all these years. all i remember from my childhood is YOU accusing me of stealing your money. a mere $5. when i did not even see or take. YOU put it in the wrong bag. YOU accused me. YOU didnt say sorry. YOU thought i was just a child and it was okay to put the blame on me. you say i treat the home as a hotel? then tell me. what is it at home do i look forward to?

for so many years, i open the door. every single time, its an empty home. no, you cannot go out. no, you have to stay at home. no, you cannot go to your friends' house. no, you cannot stay out late. no, its not right for a girl to come home late. no, you cannot stay overnight at the chalet. no this no that. call yourself my parents. you say i waste your money and waste your electricity. i stay out. i earn my own money. i dont take a single cent from you. yet you say that you're still supporting me. my foot. since how long ago have i not taken a cent from you. when it comes down to the point that i'm totally broke and in desperate need of money, i take money from you. and you can harp on it for ages. you dont treat me as a person, so why should i try so hard?

i shall shut up too. cos i'm stuck with her.

ignorance is bliss

the twists and turns of the story so dark. the story which cannot be told. this dark and hidden tale none other than the involved will know. those who hurt will hurt in silence. those who enjoy should enjoy discreetly, yet its all in the light.

what shouldnt have happened has happened and my heart aches for the innocent. the innocent is of no stranger yet made one for no reason. doesnt anyone deserve any respect here? doesnt anyone deserve to be treated the way they should be? its all but a vicious cycle. its all but a thrill. its all but something i cant help. i'd like to warn, yet thoughts of the innocent holds me back.

when a person knows something that he/she isnt suppose to know, yet it concerns him/her, and he/she should do something but cannot do anything, wouldnt it hurt like hell? it reminds me of what winson said, its all but just a masquerade. wear a mask, face the world. put that smile and hide whatever you want. thats just how its done isnt it? i can feel, i can hurt, i can see, so why force myself to wear that mask? hide those thoughts and those fears? i guess, as what they say, it just has to happen this way. cos in a way, it still protects the innocent in one way or another.

-----------------------------------------------------------

fiona's leaving soon. on wednesday night in fact. we're going to have a farewell dinner for her tonight at soulfood and yk's gonna cook pasta and cream of mushroom!!! yayyy!!! i'm drooling already. though she hasnt been all that close, we had shared thoughts and laughter and definitely breakfasts at work. as irritating as her whining can be, guess i'll still miss her somewhat. she's fine without her whining, just that she's used to whining to frank, so she thats more or less the way she speaks. maybe we'll meet each other sometime somewhere someplace when she gets back from shanghai, no one knows. but for now, i wish her all the best. goodbye FioNA~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and boy, am i looking forward to the farewell dinner.

enough.

to juan:

enough is enough.

i've taken a step back, so wont you quit talking and bringing up the past repeatedly? cant you just let things go and give that leeway for some changes to be made? its not going to help or change anything if you keep on mentioning it. anyway, the blogskin is a default blogskin and i do not need to explain to anyone which blogskin i use. is that an issue too?

stop the tagwar and whatever stuff. where is all these going to lead to? doesnt mean i dont say a thing means i dont care. i just see no point in going on with all these. does quarrelling undo whatever happened? if you say you call me a friend, be nice and not say such things about me when you're angry.

i'm not going to promise that i will meet up very often with you all immediately. but i'm just saying, give me more time to try. dont keep these things and give it to me at one go. its not easy to handle.

i'm not trying to out talk anyone here or explain anything to anyone. i still believe in what i believed in. a friend is a friend forever. there is no such thing as giving a friend up. to me, our gatherings are special. it doesnt have to happen often but its all treasured. believe me. when you see the world through my eyes and feel what i feel, and still think its totally my fault, then go ahead and criticise me. i'll listen. everyone has faults. so please stop harping on mine and stop those harsh words. an attempt is all i need.

as i try to meet up more often, i really hope you'll give in a little. saying i'll always be there means i'll always be there. though more emotionally instead of physically. please try to understand that. and fyi, why i didnt ask eve out on her bday, cos remember i asked you whether we going out on her birthday, you said most probably no, cos you had to study for your papers and wont be going out. so i asked you if we were going out the following week, you said yes. do not put words into my mouth.

thats all.

great day. been called a betrayer by 2 of my closest friends and scheming by my mother. rounded up with my boyfriend screaming into the phone at me. not mentioning the physical hurt. great.

to juan and eve:

this thing has been going on for so long and guess we better talk about it once and for all. first of all, you said you dont see me trying hard enough. what is enough? if you say to be tolerant and patient, have you done so with me? do you know what i'm going through for the past year? things have changed yes. i do not deny that. doesnt mean i have other friends means i forgo our friendship. to me, it is not the number of the times we meet up, its knowing that i will be there whenever you need me. how much do you know about whats happening now? ever tried harder to see things from my point of view? i work hard to prove my mother wrong. i work hard to prove people who think i cannot make it wrong. do you understand?

its not a matter whether how many times i ask you out or its everytime that you ask me out? isnt the outing the most important thing? if i dont message you, does it mean i forget about you? if thats the way it is with you, i dont know what to say. i can never out talk both of you. you count the times i dont call you, i dont go out, you think the reasons i give are excuses. have you counted the times i've asked you out, counted the times i tried so hard to organise birthdays, counted the times i've been there, counted the times i've been accused of betrayal?

talking about betrayal. you say i betray the friendship by telling farena about what we discussed. then telling yk about it isnt betrayal? i'm not putting the blame on you. but please, just for once, listen to what i have to say. it hasnt been easy trying to convince the both of you that i'm still a friend and that i'm always here. times like yesterday, i didnt know a single shit about both of you going out. how was i supposed to make it a point to go out with you? maybe i HAVE to call you out. i DO talk to you in msn dont i? i DO msg you from time to time right? can you say an absolute NO?

so after all these, its just a "she deserves to cry". thats all i mean to u.

maybe the schedule thing was just a platform for you to get into this topic. but, whatever it is, accusing me of betrayal is something that i need to clarify. have you told others about it? if yes, is that called betrayal. you say i dont get it. do both of you get it? i'm not trying to defend myself. i'm trying to get you guys to see the way i see things.

the special place in my heart

read xue er's blog. after so long, somehow or other i managed to come across it.

she had a story about the jing jang gang. our jing jang gang. it brought back so many memories to me.

brought together by fate. all because of our seating arrangement. we were a noisy bunch of friends. most of the time screaming and squealing in laughter. especially during maths lessons. we used to stand up together cos we didnt do our homework. we used to piss the hell out of Mrs Yap our physics teacher and Mrs Mano, our beloved Maths teacher who taught us a whole lot of stuffs.

memories of the jing jang gang are of chicken mee with lots of chilli, pai gu mian, custard chicken, bubble tea at west mall, spicy chicken, takopachi, maggie mee, cup noodles, ice cream, spaghetti and a whole lot more. we used to chill, relax, talk, dream, gossip, bitch, study together at all possible places. library, west mall, juan's house. we even skipped school to study! how ironic. but thats us.

all of us in the jing jang gang are so different in personalities. all so different yet we somehow fitted together. we were so crazy. man! i miss those days. we had talks about getting good results together, opening a cafe together, renting a place and moving out together, getting married and get all the rest as bridesmaids etc etc. however, what we didnt realise is that the poor last girl to get married wouldnt have a bridesmaid at all! silly us.

this simple and carefree life didnt seem to last. we got into poly, we spread further though still connected by that thin line of fate. all of us blossomed. now young, fine ladies blooming into the beautiful flowers we all are.

yet, the meetups are getting more and more patronising. knowing we all go to each gathering with hopes that it'll be how it used to be, filled with wholesome laughter and sincere concerns, but we all know deep inside, things arent the same any more.

we managed to succeed in one thing. we told each other that our group is going to expand. we're going to bring boyfriends and girlfriends along on gatherings. ultimately, we'll meet up over tea with husbands and wives and children in tow. we're on our way there. we're too big a group now to find a decent eating place but we make do.

it touched me so much to read what xue er wrote. we watched each other grow up. and we're still together as a group. no one can change that. it's all up to us. i still look forward to each gathering knowing we'll have fun, but we all have our own paths. with this in mind, we'll support and lend that listening ear and shoulder or tears of joy or sorrow whenever needed.

regardless how far we drift or how much we change, the jing jang gang will always have that special place in my heart. i still love you guys. but boy....we're getting old. its been 4 years since we graduated!

wrecked

If i had to make a choice to give up one of my senses, i suppose it would be not to talk.

I dont mind having to use my hands to talk, cos sign language is actually such a beautiful language.

but the true reason is that the world would actually be such a simpler place if everyone spent more time listening. cliche. but come to think of it true. if we think before we speak, lots of stuff can actually be avoided. though you may feel terrible at the start, its actually a blessing to be able to listen to people. i mean real listening.

i'll be graduating unofficially in 2 days time. right now, i'm supposed to give my best for this final project in order to graduate with at least some glory despite the terrible results i have obtained throughout the 3 years of polytechnic education. i'd never really paid much attention to people who say that studying is actually better than working, cos i'd always thought that it depends on what kind of job you're doing. whether you enjoy it anot.

but now, when i'm actually literally on the chopping board, it scares the hell out of me. not knowing what to expect, not knowing the exact direction to go, cos you have to make the first step in order to make your future seem brighter or something like that. i no longer have a definite path, like primary school to secondary school to jc/poly blah blah blah. for now, my future seems bleak, seems so unclear, foggy. every step i take is so tiny in fear of screwing my entire life up. i want no regrets. i know how it feels to regret something so bad you actually feel like killing yourself to ease the pain. contradictingly, you'll never know till you try. no pain no gain.

i want to graduate with a smile on my face. seeing the past 3 years flash past me with me laughin happily. i want my parents to be proud of me, i want my boyfriend to say that he's proud of me once again. and i want people to congratulate me that i'm graduating. i want to feel that i'm able to make my own decisions and not be tied down by projects and stuff once again. ignore my thoughts of further education for the time being.

its a whole new world out there now. at this very moment, i have so much eagerness to start a job i love yet i know how hard that possibility is. how little my chances are. i tell myself, i'll embrace each change with optimism and hope. making it work for myself. i want to depend on no one else.

after all these, i shall now go back to my dreaded final project once again though i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing or what i have to do but i shall complete it and present it on Tuesday (290305) with pride. cos its something i've struggled with for the past whole year. with so many sleepless nights and endless project meetings and terrible deadlines to meet.

wish me luck my dear friends....i'll need your support alot.

minding my own business

so its wrong to care. wrong to be concerned. wrong to be a friend.

since you insist that you're right and its YOUR problem, i shall step out of this totally. i wont bother anymore. you can insist whatever you think is right. and do it your way. vice versa. its all up to you.

i'm just being biased. i'm just being nosey. i'm just gossiping. i'm wrong to be disappointed. i'm wrong to watch out for you as a fren. i'm just being unreasonable for making you see things MY way.

i'll leave you alone. and him. and the other him. whatsoever. do what u deem fit.

i'm outta here.

draw the line

i've lost respect for him. if you wanna play, know your limits. and dont do it so blatantly. it disgusts me. if you wanna know what i think and why i'm so pissed, its cos you cant draw the line. make that line clear and you still wanna do this, at least i still have that little respect for you. you say you try, okay, fine, i shall take my words back for now and see what you're planning to do. make your life and hers simple and hell for everyone else.

maybe its not what i think it is, but what you say and how you behave are contradictions. we have eyes to see. anyway, its your life. i'll just remind you and i'll stay out of it. i'll be around. definitely. but keep the benefits to yourself.

anyway, i had fun. met up with eve, juan and far. had fun like always. went for a hair cut just to satisfy our craving. not much difference physically. great delight though. i just want things this way. simple and fun. just us.

be brave for yourself.

i did something so brave today. something i havent been able to do.

he wanted to meet me. i said no. even though i wanted to.

i'm going to make him realise my existence. that he should start treating me right. and not take me for granted. but what i cant believe is, he was nice just now, messaged me how was my project and stuff, then said he shall not distract me anymore. and now he's playing mahjong.

never mind. he can play all he wants today. then i shall not meet him tomorrow, or the day after, or the day day after, until he comes looking for me. my guy friend treats me better than my boyfriend. a whole lot better. it does sting when i hear of the nice things that other boyfriends do for them. but what can i do? i've got to accept that you arent made up of sweet talk. its the effort baby. dont you see it? fine. i shall stop complaining and grumbling. i am going to do my project. i am going to concentrate. i am going to go to work tomorrow. i am not going to message you. i am going to study after work. i am not going to message you. i am not going to meet you. i am going to enjoy myself. and i am going to make you wake me up tomorrow. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

i gotta be brave.

there's something seriously wrong with my phone!

and i'm too broke to get a new one!! argh!!
so irritating...

i receive my messages like 1 hour after i'm supposed to receive them, or i dont receive them at all.

selective acceptance.

clever phone. dumb phone.

i procrastinate too much. i'm too indecisive. i'm too stubborn. i think too much. i'm too lazy. i'm too ugly. i hate to wake up early but i love working morning shifts. i put too much feelings into my relationships. i need to think through what i want. i need to know what i want.