I want it from you.

finally he's leaving the job, at least planning to.

For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.

Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.

Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.

I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.

I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.

Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.

I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.

Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.

As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.

Its a feeling I can't explain. But it's a warm and fuzzy feeling.

i realised.

how you can learn your own faults through others' values.

how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.

how you can mean so much to a person.

how much a person can mean to you.

how quality of time counts and not quantity.

how simple words can make a person's day.

how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.

a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.

its just to say the right things at the suitable times.

dashes of sugar

i feel neglected.

i feel sad.

i feel horrible.

i start detaching myself.

then you make me fall in love with you all over again.

i didnt see that side to this.

if that's going to let him feel better, just let it go. since that person can help him when i cant, why dwell in it so much. its just going to make things worse than before.

let it be, shall you?

maybe you should go back to that person. that person can help you in more ways than i can. that person can make your life better. that person is so much more well-equipped to do so.

unlike me.

for your own good. maybe for that person too. maybe you have been deluding yourself. maybe so has that person been.

maybe i should go back to where i came from.

when everything seems to be in place, something seems to be missing. a void. some hollow place somewhere, neglected.

i miss Christopher. i miss his healing massages. the kind that seem to reach the inside of your heart and tell me everything's gonna be fine. not that things aren't fine. they just aren't not fine. in fact i think he went missing. must be burying himself in his tutorials. AGAIN.

some things become scarier the more you think about it, though it may not be happening in the near future, yet, it starts to haunt you.

i think i'll go back to studying next year. if all goes well. part-time. i cant afford to not work. i dont have people feeding me.

bewildered.

i suppose its naive and too much of me to expect things to go back to how they were. as true as these words are, what's done cannot be undone. i've forgotten how it started, what happened. all i remember is the end, which leaves me bewildered.

i remember swiss times. i remember breko times. i remember the new year's eve we had. i feel like laughing.

i remember so many things. so many many things it swirling in my head.

i think i shall pop by xue er's shop on sunday. i miss her so much all of a sudden.

i hate it when things are not within my control. or things go out of hand and dont go according to my plan. many times, i cant plan. i just have to go with the flow and make things work out. i hate his job. i cant complain. but i want him to stay on.

its this grey area that cant be touched upon cos he hates the consequences his job brings but doesnt want to leave. i think its killing both of us. i'm practically working part time in his company cos i help him with his work. i pick up after him the pieces he misses out and tie up the ends he leaves behind cos he only has enough time in a day to go thru the big chunks.

most of the times i have to fit my schedule into his just so he can get his work done in time cos to him a day's work has to be completed in the same day. time just dont stop for anyone. we're practically making merry in a pile of crap. its not much but its significant.

i miss the old times. but i prefer the now. get what i mean? i dont.

can things get any worse? i'll just grit through it.

simple and nice.

i miss the times....

the simplicity of things
the hope the anticipation we had for the future
the plans
the dreams

the things that used to be simple arent simple anymore. the hopes we had all dashed. the plans? long gone with the wind. the dreams, remain solely as dreams. i see the photos and it pricks. things happen for a reason.

i've got a new job!

new job..new bosses.

spent the first week pretty much slacking cos my bosses arent in town. today one of them came back and i got some real work to do. i hate overseas calls cos i can never figure out what codes i'm supposed to use. but its fun.

think monday the other is supposed to come back. means one more big boss to handle. goodness. means i have to walk twice as fast, follow up work twice as fast.

i hope this job will last...seems like a job with prospects. cant wait till my probation is over and i can get leave to go on a holiday. i've been working non stop....

the hours are better though i got to wake up earlier. plus i got a chaffuer to and fro work! arent i lucky!

i hurt myself to cover another pain

i will get out because you want me out. i shall spare you the agony of seeing me around. dont say i didnt try, cos i've always asked if it was okay that i was around. maybe my attempts to get you guys out were not appreciated. just yourselves one question. after so many years, have you ever remembered my birthday? when was the last time you celebrated my birthday?

i dont have to know. and i dont want to know the answers. it may be a very small thing. but it mattered. though not anymore. since a long time ago. i've gotten used to it.

shoot me.

yes i'm the bad guy here. i'm the one who created the mess. go ahead. point your fingers at me. call me names. ignore me. assume i'm this, assume i'm that. question what i did. question what i did not.

go ahead and say it behind my back. go ahead and criticise me. go ahead and condemn me. go ahead.

cos its driving me nuts. to the extent i expected it. i knew all these was coming. why bother explaining and calling truce in the first place. i'm talking about myself not you. i never said all those things. so dont put words in my mouth. i explained things cos i didnt want misunderstandings between us. what was i doing? what i say are my own thoughts. so dont use that against me.

thats it. this shall be the last i have and will be saying regarding this matter.

all these aside....

work's scary. i just caused someone to pay like $700 plus more than he needed to pay. and i nearly not collect $800 plus from somebody. work's fun. people's great. i'm glad i'm moving on. but its tiring. i finish work only at 8 everyday. goodness. and raffles place is a war zone during lunch.

underneath my skin

finally....it ends....

joke's over. the end.

i walk around alone pretty much these days. gives me lots of chances to think. think about what happened, what has yet to happen, what should have happened but did not...

a small retreat alone makes a difference. its like taking a step back from things to see it in a larger picture. does it all mean anything?

i was a joke, maybe i still am. i'm gonna try my best to change that.

think...
laugh...
learn...
move on.

no one waits for people to wake up and get moving. in fact, no one waits. they just move further and further away from you.

small doses of these makes you drowsy

maybe its only at the very end...till we really start seeing what was at the beginning...

sudden brush with death

i think i shall faithfully go early to my grandparents' place this saturday. maybe what happened was a warning to me, or maybe it was a coincidence. but it hit me real hard. right smack where it hurt the most.

sometimes its such things that make me stop and think. why am i putting so much importance in the things which do not require much attention, yet taking for granted stuff that are important to me.

i dont want people i love to die. please dont.

tears dont flow and i wonder why

i hate interviews. i hate people asking me to describe myself. how on earth do you expect me to answer that?! i hate this part where i'm neither here nor there. oh. i'm somewhere. i'm unemployed.

everything's a blur now. everyday all i do is look at job ads, job ads, classified ads, MORE job ads, MORE classified ads, send resumes, send emails, send EVEN MORE resumes. thats all. feel like taking a longer break before i start work. go for a holiday, enjoy myself, have a clear mind before moving on to the working world. the thing is, if i dont look for a job now, i dont know how long i'll take to get a job. what if. just what if. choy choy choy. i dont get a job for months. i'll be living on bread and maggie mee everyday. i'll rot and die of extreme flour poisoning. and BALD. goodness!

it used to be me working among my poly mates. the only one. now, i'm the only unemployed creature around. i'm gonna get a job. though i dont feel like working in a big company, i like small and cosy offices. i shant be choosy for now. i dont have the qualities to be choosy.

i miss studying. or rather. i miss knowing that for the next couple of years, i dont have to worry about having a job, having a route in life. it used to feel like "i still have 2 more years to worry about getting a job. think so much for what?". now its different. i feel old. can i not grow up?

interview's next week. i guess i'll have to put aside such thoughts. no use crying over the past. i mean since my life's moving on and time doesnt wait, i have to move on with it to right? i cant stay here sitting around missing old times and thinking about what i USED to do. i've got to think ahead, grow up to suit and adapt to stuff around me.

i admit i procrastinate. though i hate it when people pressurise and push me into things, i appreciate their intentions. sometimes i just need a push. sorry my dearest people around me. sorry for snapping.

12th June 2005

i never thought i'll leave this place before everyone else. i thought i'd see it close, help to close it like how i helped open it. it turned out otherwise.

as i left i kept telling myself. i made the right decision. i cant hold on to something that wont be there for long. true, that place means a lot to me. it was the place i had so much fun with my friends, where we would laugh till we teared. it was also the place i met my boyfriend. the place i learnt so much from. but one cant hold on to these sentiments and live like there's no tomorrow. soulfood isnt going to last past one month. and i got a whole lot more to think and worry about.

i hope you understand. i do want to stay and help out as much as i can. but things are getting harder. its getting harder for me to drag myself to work, to look forward to whatever the day is going to bring me. it has become a routine. a routine i dread and cant wait to leave behind.

like what i said, i dont want work to contribute or a cause of our fights. its not worth it. work is work and i wont bring it out of where it should be. i'm tired of things going on there. tired of the vicious cycles that happen and happen again. i need a break. i need to have time to think for myself. i need time to think about what i want and what i'm going to do. i want you to be the friends i turn to outside work, where i can grumble and complain about work, and not having to worry that whether what i say will affect us at work.

it isnt really a great day like what i originally thought. it was harder to leave than i thought and expected. but, there is still a sense of relief. i still feel pangs of regret here and there. i still wonder whether i made the right decision. whats done is done. i've quit. now i feel lost. i dont know what i'm going to do tomorrow.

i'm officially unemployed.

i dont like to be at home.

maybe its the lack of emotional belonging that i feel this way. the only time when i feel like being at home is when i know that i'm the only one and everyone is out and that i can do what i want to do. even at home i'm restricted. this lack of emotional belonging is a feeling i'm used to. since young, i've gotten used to the feeling of being more attached to other people, friends, neighbours etc, more than anyone else in the family.

home. home is just a noun. a noun i call a place i live in. it means nothing much actually. my mother is my mother. not a mum. i've never called her "my mum". it has been "my mother". like i've always envied others, when they are able to sit down and really talk to their mums. like have fun, joke, make fun of, cry, laugh with their mums. i've tried to talk to her. but too many times have i been shut out that i stopped trying. an attempt to talk to her, is equivalent to a greater attempt to interrogate me. interrogate in the sense as in "you did something wrong but you're not telling me." or "so, your friends did this, did you do it to?" it puts me off. totally. to the extent i no longer talk at home.

in recent times, i even stopped spending time at home. i've been going out since before daybreak till after the sun sets. basically i never see the sun. i feel better outside. its just the feeling of being out. leaving the house and locking the door behind me is a feelign of relief. a relief from a hated routine that has been supposedly cultivated in me.

words like "you better behave yourself outside", "you are old enough. so you should know what to do and what not to do", "remember. no alcohol. no smoking. no bla bla bla.", "you went drinking right?" etc. anyone would know i dont smoke. ANYONE. my mother makes me feel like i'm some cheap girl hanging outside. oh yes. one more. "girls dont stay out so late. girls should behave properly. its a dangerous world outside. so you should stay at home. are you out with a guy?" plus various attempts to hint to me that i should not be some slut and project some slutty image to guys.

i'm used to it really. though it still hurts from time to time. times when i really wished that i could have a better relationship with her. times that i see other people go out with their mums. times when i wish i could just stay at home and talk to her. times when i can tell her what nice stuff my bf did for me. times when i need to let off stress. times when i can just cry to her. but i'm really really used to it. these stuff just goes into a ear and comes out through the other. i'm well trained.

after 2 nights outside. i dont miss home at all. i dont even have the feeling of going back. i'm just going back cos i have to. not because i want to. to her, my house is my hotel. to me, its just a place i have to be in at the reported times.

all but a surprise

its all but something foreseen.

contradiction isnt good. maybe sometimes, the perfect and happy ending has to be created. fix the pretty pieces and ugly pieces together. only then, can they compliment each other to become your beautiful picture.

nutshell

i want to live in my shell...
a shell of protection i hold with all my loved ones inside
keep things simple and nice
seeing the things i want to see
dont care if i rot and wilt
thats how you grow and learn
can i not?
do i have a choice?
is it within my control?
refusing to grow and move on isnt the way to block out unhappiness
what happened to the world i knew
where has the people i knew gone to
what am i now
a nobody
insignificant