After writing out how I feel and what I think like 4 times, everything seems less significant and I am reminded of us being happy. I'm just waiting for him to tell me what he thinks.
I need a proper closure one this.
In the meantime, I need my comfort food.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I wish I could turn back time
Now I wish I'd book tickets for April instead of July. July seems so far away now.
I daren't think too far. Nor plan too far.
I daren't think too far. Nor plan too far.
An ambiguous reality.
"I will be with you always..."
Those words brought comfort, but not assurance.
I wanted so much to reach over and hold your hand. Yet, it felt like there was an invisible wall between us. Throughout the 30 minute journey, I simply could not reach out to you.
When you reached over and touched me, I wanted deep down inside to turn my head to smile back at you, like I always did. I didnt. I just looked out of the window, not knowing what to do.
Somehow, part of me acknowledges that the story is the way you said it. The intention in your messages puts me off. I told you last night I can't do this alone. You said you'll always be with me.
I hope its true. I really do.
Since I've given you and us another chance, you said for us to put this all behind us and come out stronger. You said we will.
I remember every single thing that you said. I'm holding you to that.
Meanwhile, I need time to heal, to patch myself up.
Its not gonna be easy to go back to where we came from.
Those words brought comfort, but not assurance.
I wanted so much to reach over and hold your hand. Yet, it felt like there was an invisible wall between us. Throughout the 30 minute journey, I simply could not reach out to you.
When you reached over and touched me, I wanted deep down inside to turn my head to smile back at you, like I always did. I didnt. I just looked out of the window, not knowing what to do.
Somehow, part of me acknowledges that the story is the way you said it. The intention in your messages puts me off. I told you last night I can't do this alone. You said you'll always be with me.
I hope its true. I really do.
Since I've given you and us another chance, you said for us to put this all behind us and come out stronger. You said we will.
I remember every single thing that you said. I'm holding you to that.
Meanwhile, I need time to heal, to patch myself up.
Its not gonna be easy to go back to where we came from.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Please just let it be a bad bad bad dream...
A blade just stabbed through my back and right through my heart. Where it hurts the most.
I can't think, my head hurts so bad.
I feel so drained, I just lay there the whole night, staring into space.
You made me believe so many things. Yet you ruined it all.
You said I passed the sentence too soon, too abrupt, without explanation, without forgiveness.
What you say makes sense, yet it doesn't.
It all somehow tallies, yet it doesn't.
I can't decide whether to believe you.
I can't decide whether to stay firm in my verdict.
I can't decide whether I'm a fool.
I woke up this morning, thinking, perhaps, its all just a bad bad dream. I wanted it so much to be so. Unfortunately, its not.
Perhaps, its a pebble in our path.
Perhaps, its a mountain we both have to cross.
Perhaps, there's no further road ahead to where we came from.
I can't think, my head hurts so bad.
I feel so drained, I just lay there the whole night, staring into space.
You made me believe so many things. Yet you ruined it all.
You said I passed the sentence too soon, too abrupt, without explanation, without forgiveness.
What you say makes sense, yet it doesn't.
It all somehow tallies, yet it doesn't.
I can't decide whether to believe you.
I can't decide whether to stay firm in my verdict.
I can't decide whether I'm a fool.
I woke up this morning, thinking, perhaps, its all just a bad bad dream. I wanted it so much to be so. Unfortunately, its not.
Perhaps, its a pebble in our path.
Perhaps, its a mountain we both have to cross.
Perhaps, there's no further road ahead to where we came from.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Big Boys' Toys
He bought a new phone yesterday. It was a looooonnnnggg wait for this day.
Without much persuasion from Mr Singtel Man, he gladly gave me his card to pay for the new toy. Should have seen the smile on his face. Beaming like a young kid with a new toy.
As the man says, "When I see people doing their business at my void deck, I'll can have evidence!"
Sometimes, I really wonder, how old he really is......
Without much persuasion from Mr Singtel Man, he gladly gave me his card to pay for the new toy. Should have seen the smile on his face. Beaming like a young kid with a new toy.
As the man says, "When I see people doing their business at my void deck, I'll can have evidence!"
Sometimes, I really wonder, how old he really is......
Monday, March 20, 2006
One boy, one girl.
I was told to create a new post so that it wont reflect so bad on my boyfriend.
He does piss me off to the max at times, but he has the ability to make me fall in love with him all over again every single time.
3 years sure sounds like a long time. Let alone for the rest of our lives.
I am so looking forward to our Bangkok trip.
He does piss me off to the max at times, but he has the ability to make me fall in love with him all over again every single time.
3 years sure sounds like a long time. Let alone for the rest of our lives.
I am so looking forward to our Bangkok trip.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Get lost.
I tell you I want to go Bangkok. You said some other time.
One week later, you said your colleagues invited you to Bangkok. You asked me to go along. I was so excited, I had no mood for work. You told me you let your assistant take leave and so you can't.
3 days later, you told me to take leave and go to Genting for a holiday over the weekend. I didnt want another disappointment, I kept quiet. As my hopes got up, I scouted around for available last minute bookings. I got clearance from my mother. Everything was perfect.
You told me, "Let's postpone our trip."
I feel bloody cheated. I do not like you. Get lost.
One week later, you said your colleagues invited you to Bangkok. You asked me to go along. I was so excited, I had no mood for work. You told me you let your assistant take leave and so you can't.
3 days later, you told me to take leave and go to Genting for a holiday over the weekend. I didnt want another disappointment, I kept quiet. As my hopes got up, I scouted around for available last minute bookings. I got clearance from my mother. Everything was perfect.
You told me, "Let's postpone our trip."
I feel bloody cheated. I do not like you. Get lost.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
my drama mama
I thought it'd be okay. I hoped that she'll be less biased. Seems like what she preach is not what she is.
I'm being grilled.
Right down to my toes.
She'll never make things easy for me. Perhaps, I should have persisted. And give her what she wants. Never mind that I'll not be happy. Just give me a break.
I'm being grilled.
Right down to my toes.
She'll never make things easy for me. Perhaps, I should have persisted. And give her what she wants. Never mind that I'll not be happy. Just give me a break.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
for me. for you. for us.
I'm glad things are clear now.
I'm happy I made the right decision.
Even though things may not run smoothly all the same, but I know I want things to work out. No matter how tough it is, I somehow feel that things will work out fine.
I want everyone to be happy for me.
I'm happy I made the right decision.
Even though things may not run smoothly all the same, but I know I want things to work out. No matter how tough it is, I somehow feel that things will work out fine.
I want everyone to be happy for me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
my other half
I have absolutely no idea how I can be so sure about something, and yet hope that the impossible will come true. Highly contradicting I would say. These things have a way of squirming into my life, things that make me happy and over the stars and moon for a short period of time, and well, then it all ends, with me scratching my head wondering what happened and where did it go wrong. Perhaps, it's life's way of a reminder for me, or a wake up call that drills right through my left brain somehow.
By doing so, it churns out tons and tons of memories I left in some corner of my brain, it the wilted pages of my diary some time ago, forcing me to remember what I had forgotten. It's not entirely good though. More or less, it leaves me in a constant state of self-doubt, self-denial and confusion. It doesn't really help that I had never been good at deciding what is the best way out.
These incidents come like a smack on my face, they sting, they hurt. The groggy feeling lingers for a long, long time to come. Now that they happen pretty often, its actually more of a routine now. Yet, I do not sit here waiting for it to happen, I dont expect it to happen, I just know that they'll come some time or another.
Its actually tiring me out. This is partly why I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I have the tendency to not stay firm. Not totally meaning that I wont be faithful. But in alot of other ways. Perhaps marriage is the next step in a steady relationship. But that sure is one HUGE step.
At 20, going on 21, I'm really not sure if this is the right step to take, even if it means just getting engaged. Somehow the thought throws me off. As much as I want it to happen, I know that we can be happy. I'm excited by the process and all. Seeing him getting excited about it, asking bout flats, talking to me bout "after we get married, bla bla bla" and all, just makes me truly happy. The warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelms me and I just feel like sitting back, relaxing and watching him fuss over such stuff that seems too early to be carrying out.
I'm glad that what I wanted is now right before my eyes. That my efforts are starting to reap in rewards. I can tell he's excited by it too, and that he wants it so bad.
Perhaps, its just my mother.
I'm contented. I am.
By doing so, it churns out tons and tons of memories I left in some corner of my brain, it the wilted pages of my diary some time ago, forcing me to remember what I had forgotten. It's not entirely good though. More or less, it leaves me in a constant state of self-doubt, self-denial and confusion. It doesn't really help that I had never been good at deciding what is the best way out.
These incidents come like a smack on my face, they sting, they hurt. The groggy feeling lingers for a long, long time to come. Now that they happen pretty often, its actually more of a routine now. Yet, I do not sit here waiting for it to happen, I dont expect it to happen, I just know that they'll come some time or another.
Its actually tiring me out. This is partly why I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I have the tendency to not stay firm. Not totally meaning that I wont be faithful. But in alot of other ways. Perhaps marriage is the next step in a steady relationship. But that sure is one HUGE step.
At 20, going on 21, I'm really not sure if this is the right step to take, even if it means just getting engaged. Somehow the thought throws me off. As much as I want it to happen, I know that we can be happy. I'm excited by the process and all. Seeing him getting excited about it, asking bout flats, talking to me bout "after we get married, bla bla bla" and all, just makes me truly happy. The warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelms me and I just feel like sitting back, relaxing and watching him fuss over such stuff that seems too early to be carrying out.
I'm glad that what I wanted is now right before my eyes. That my efforts are starting to reap in rewards. I can tell he's excited by it too, and that he wants it so bad.
Perhaps, its just my mother.
I'm contented. I am.
Friday, January 13, 2006
denying
When one runs away, the other has to be the one giving chase. its somewhat a give and take situation. Not this time.
I honestly dont like to be treated this way, nor deserve to be treated this way.
Enough is enough.
Its either left or right. You only have 2 hands. Left hand. Right hand. No centre hand. how true...how true...
goodbye.
I honestly dont like to be treated this way, nor deserve to be treated this way.
Enough is enough.
Its either left or right. You only have 2 hands. Left hand. Right hand. No centre hand. how true...how true...
goodbye.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
simply so.
i've been karma-ed.
i miss you bad. truly.
the distance feels so great. like the gap will never close up. as though it was really a dream. perhaps it is.
i no longer know how to approach you. sometimes i just feel like i shouldnt. sometimes i just want to hang in there. most of the time, i just wished i could simply turn back the hands of time.
...to just that precise moment. and leave it there.
i miss you bad. truly.
the distance feels so great. like the gap will never close up. as though it was really a dream. perhaps it is.
i no longer know how to approach you. sometimes i just feel like i shouldnt. sometimes i just want to hang in there. most of the time, i just wished i could simply turn back the hands of time.
...to just that precise moment. and leave it there.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Why doesn't everyone come with a guarantee or something? Something in the line of, guaranteed loyalty, guaranteed truthfulness or somewhat similar. Assurance is nothing. Its like buying insurance with a soon-to-be bankrupt insurance company. Talk is cheap.
At least a warning label of some sort would do fine, like a "Be careful of side effects" label to warn potential users of the possible dangers of using the "product". Trusting one's intuition cannot be relied on too much anyway. I probably live in a state of absolute self-denial. Throw me some nonsense I dont want to know, I'll develop selective hearing, selective memory and so on an so forth.
I'm currently in this state of "mind over my heart but sometimes, my heart is too strong for my mind" sort of mindset. It kills me. I honestly think that its going to be the bane of my life.
Strike the above out. I cant think. Kindly furnish me with some comfort, cos some part of me still isn't fixed. I'll numb, I'll heal, I'll take a step back to this vicious cycle again.
At least a warning label of some sort would do fine, like a "Be careful of side effects" label to warn potential users of the possible dangers of using the "product". Trusting one's intuition cannot be relied on too much anyway. I probably live in a state of absolute self-denial. Throw me some nonsense I dont want to know, I'll develop selective hearing, selective memory and so on an so forth.
I'm currently in this state of "mind over my heart but sometimes, my heart is too strong for my mind" sort of mindset. It kills me. I honestly think that its going to be the bane of my life.
Strike the above out. I cant think. Kindly furnish me with some comfort, cos some part of me still isn't fixed. I'll numb, I'll heal, I'll take a step back to this vicious cycle again.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Triumph
Stop saying sorry. Sorry isn't going to change anything. After saying sorry too many times, it just becomes a normal word. It means nothing and it wont help ease the pain. Come to think of it, nothing you say now will make a difference. Its just there for me to find out for myself. It wasn't about me right from the start. Its about you. The decision was never in my hands. You controlled the game right from the start.
You took the easy way out, the road that required the least effort. I thought far and I thought deep. I thought I had you with me. You assured me that you would be. It's all crap,ya? Is it always this way? Suddenly I feel so tired. The lover in you gave up. The practical side of you triumphed. Thanks for nothing my dear.
I wish you all the best.
You took the easy way out, the road that required the least effort. I thought far and I thought deep. I thought I had you with me. You assured me that you would be. It's all crap,ya? Is it always this way? Suddenly I feel so tired. The lover in you gave up. The practical side of you triumphed. Thanks for nothing my dear.
I wish you all the best.
spun out of control.
...its all out of control.
The mess I created in 2005 was brought over to 2006, after adding more emotions, more understanding, more thought, more tears, more laughter, more love, more this and that. Sounds like a even bigger mess than it was. In a way it is, though I gained some light on some matters.
I suppose its better in a way now. I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.
On a side note, I went gown fitting with my cousin for her wedding. It seriously made me feel like getting married. For the gown! Haha
At the studio, I saw flashes of the possible future that maybe I shouldnt have.
Flashes of me and him..oh so scary! But it brought a smile to me.
Anyway, I'm so excited about the wedding its driving me nuts. Ok, no. Everyone else is driving me nuts. I cant imagine if I'm the one getting married. I think I'll age prematurely before the big day and look like an old hag.
I dont have much expectations in 2006. I just want to go with my plans and go with the flow abit. My priority is for the mess to clean up and for the happily ever after to unfold... happy dreaming..
The mess I created in 2005 was brought over to 2006, after adding more emotions, more understanding, more thought, more tears, more laughter, more love, more this and that. Sounds like a even bigger mess than it was. In a way it is, though I gained some light on some matters.
I suppose its better in a way now. I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.
On a side note, I went gown fitting with my cousin for her wedding. It seriously made me feel like getting married. For the gown! Haha
At the studio, I saw flashes of the possible future that maybe I shouldnt have.
Flashes of me and him..oh so scary! But it brought a smile to me.
Anyway, I'm so excited about the wedding its driving me nuts. Ok, no. Everyone else is driving me nuts. I cant imagine if I'm the one getting married. I think I'll age prematurely before the big day and look like an old hag.
I dont have much expectations in 2006. I just want to go with my plans and go with the flow abit. My priority is for the mess to clean up and for the happily ever after to unfold... happy dreaming..
Monday, January 02, 2006
I'm getting married next year.
You said you're thinking of settling down next year. With me, I presume. I just realised I'm supposed to be getting married next year! Why didnt I know about this big piece of news? Am I supposed to be involved? Is it my wedding, your wedding or OUR wedding? I can guess what you're thinking now, try harder to guess your thinking 2 years down the road, but I dont know if I can go on doing this for the rest of my life.
Come next year, I'll only be 22. Ever came across your mind whether I want to settle down? This are your plans. Whatever happened to MY plans? You talk about marriage like its just climbing the next step into our relationship. In a way it is, then why do I feel like I'm pushing us through this, yet you have your own destination and I have mine?
Its not about "We're doing fine now. So I suppose we can proceed to Stage 2, which is marriage." . Its more of "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I can see that happening". You belong to the former. I belong to the latter. Our paths weave in and out, sometimes, we reach for common goals, sometimes we dont. Now, it seems like its more of the donts.
I never ever thought that I would be making a decision about marriage at 20. Neither do I still want to do that. It has never been in my plans at all.
It seems like all these effort I've put into our relationship, or you can say my relationship, I'm the only one doing so. It feels like you're just enjoying the process. Its no longer about what was before. Now, its between you and me.
I can spend ages trying to change your mindset, without a guarantee whether you'll change, but thats not what being married is about, not even what being together is about.
If I break up with you, its not because I no longer love you. I still do. In fact, highly likely more than you love me. It'll be because, I dont see a future for us, cos I dont want to change you to accomodate us, cos I want us to work together and not me alone. You love yourself more than anything or anyone and because of these, I'm hurting so bad inside.
Come next year, I'll only be 22. Ever came across your mind whether I want to settle down? This are your plans. Whatever happened to MY plans? You talk about marriage like its just climbing the next step into our relationship. In a way it is, then why do I feel like I'm pushing us through this, yet you have your own destination and I have mine?
Its not about "We're doing fine now. So I suppose we can proceed to Stage 2, which is marriage." . Its more of "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I can see that happening". You belong to the former. I belong to the latter. Our paths weave in and out, sometimes, we reach for common goals, sometimes we dont. Now, it seems like its more of the donts.
I never ever thought that I would be making a decision about marriage at 20. Neither do I still want to do that. It has never been in my plans at all.
It seems like all these effort I've put into our relationship, or you can say my relationship, I'm the only one doing so. It feels like you're just enjoying the process. Its no longer about what was before. Now, its between you and me.
I can spend ages trying to change your mindset, without a guarantee whether you'll change, but thats not what being married is about, not even what being together is about.
If I break up with you, its not because I no longer love you. I still do. In fact, highly likely more than you love me. It'll be because, I dont see a future for us, cos I dont want to change you to accomodate us, cos I want us to work together and not me alone. You love yourself more than anything or anyone and because of these, I'm hurting so bad inside.
Monday, December 12, 2005
I am happy she's happy.
I am happy they're happy. I really am.
I think I'm 30 trapped in a 20 year old body. I have forgotten how to have fun. I have forgotten what is pocket money. I have forgotten what it feels like to not have bills to pay for. I have forgotten what its like not to have financial burdens. I have forgotten what its like to have all day to chill.
But, I have not forgotten what its like to...
Share a glass of ice water among 4 people.
Sit by the steps for tidbits.
Sit in the library for hours.
Eat pai gu mian.
Laugh till I cry.
Cook pasta and instant noodles for 8 people together with 7 people.
Drink bubble tea.
That was 4 years ago. Feels like 10. I feel deprived of youth. Maybe I really am.
Work was never a necessity.
Neither was the need for practicality.
I am happy they're happy. I really am.
I think I'm 30 trapped in a 20 year old body. I have forgotten how to have fun. I have forgotten what is pocket money. I have forgotten what it feels like to not have bills to pay for. I have forgotten what its like not to have financial burdens. I have forgotten what its like to have all day to chill.
But, I have not forgotten what its like to...
Share a glass of ice water among 4 people.
Sit by the steps for tidbits.
Sit in the library for hours.
Eat pai gu mian.
Laugh till I cry.
Cook pasta and instant noodles for 8 people together with 7 people.
Drink bubble tea.
That was 4 years ago. Feels like 10. I feel deprived of youth. Maybe I really am.
Work was never a necessity.
Neither was the need for practicality.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I want it from you.
finally he's leaving the job, at least planning to.
For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.
Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.
Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.
I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.
I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.
Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.
I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.
Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.
As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.
For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.
Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.
Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.
I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.
I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.
Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.
I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.
Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.
As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Its a feeling I can't explain. But it's a warm and fuzzy feeling.
i realised.
how you can learn your own faults through others' values.
how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.
how you can mean so much to a person.
how much a person can mean to you.
how quality of time counts and not quantity.
how simple words can make a person's day.
how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.
a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.
its just to say the right things at the suitable times.
i realised.
how you can learn your own faults through others' values.
how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.
how you can mean so much to a person.
how much a person can mean to you.
how quality of time counts and not quantity.
how simple words can make a person's day.
how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.
a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.
its just to say the right things at the suitable times.
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