I'd still like for a shoulder to fall asleep on.
I'd still like for a hand to hold on to.
I'd still like for a comforting hug that makes everything right.
I'd still like for a smile that makes all the pain worth it.
Just not now.
Unless, he can carry my board bag for me.
Unless, he can fine tune my Energizer alter-ego with me.
Unless, he can share my joys and my woes.
Unless, he can piggy back me when I fall and twist my ankle.
Unless, he can make me smile right from the bottom of my heart.
I am happier now, as they say.
I'm leading a life now that I can't leave behind. Matters of the heart likened to an extreme sport, this emotional turmoil is more than I can take. My heart speaks in breathless whispers and inteferred by noise.
Random thoughts do pass through once in a while, but I'm not bothered by them. No doubt there were footprints left behind. They have faded, washed away by the tides, left with only an inkling of what had happened.
Perhaps, they were 2 separate souls in separate corners of this winter wonderland with their paths coincidently crossing. Now the snow has melted, the icebergs gone.
The sun has come up and it's time to go home.
Miracles only happen in dreams, not even in mine.
Things are getting way too complicated, venturing into areas that light should not reach. The world's a tiny place, and its round. I know it all, nonetheless, the affection is just overwhelming.
I thrive on affection, it seems.
Dancing in the grey areas, prancing in the dark. The right is wrong, and the wrong seems right. Living in this confusion of beliefs, you'll know it better than I do. Ignorance may be bliss, persistance may not triumph, perhaps, it's time, for selfishness to step in, or it already has.
Seeking the answer from within, to purge on or to hold my stand. Things will never get simpler, weaving in and out, into one dead knot.
It is nice to have someone sending you to work, messages or calls throughout the day to make sure you're going on fine, that you've eaten, or if you need a ride home, to watch movies with, to have a arm you can grab on to in case of emergency, to have someone sending you to the stars, to have someone to message "good night and sweetest dreams" to, to have someone missing you....
Yet, it is sad to know that it's your heart they can't touch and there's a reason why people stay where they are.
When taking a step forward isn't an option, neither is retreating, staying put seems like the most logical thing to do. Though, it may start to seem like an excuse to take the initiative out of your hands, knowing that budging even just a little can make a whole lot of difference, to a square in this game that means nothing, reaps in nothing, loses nothing, it's just plain meaningless.
I could call it quits, but who's to guarantee, that things won't make a turn for the worst after?
I could take it a notch up, but who's to tell me, that's truly the best for myself?
No one's seeking that answer to that fateful question, events could remain hidden, knowing and understanding, could hull one deeper into the equation. There is no answer. Likewise, speak of no questions. Don't ask, don't speak, don't question, don't doubt, don't expect, don't assume.
When stories aren't told, it doesn't mean they aren't happening. Even with stories narrated, it may not mean they are real. Fiction, or truth? Or perhaps, lies....
It's not about you, or me, or us, or them. It's about the many little screws that keep the whole chair up.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Clouded concentrations
Something hit me while I was in the midst of preparing for work today.
Something my mother said some time ago.
"Men and women can never be equal, no matter how you want it to be."
I dwelled in it awhile, rolled the idea through my mind a couple of times. Pushed myself back to the time when we were discussing this. It didn't sink in as much then, it was simply brushed off like lint on velvet. When it hit me this morning, I started to see light on it.
It's true that men and women can never be equal.
We're not meant to be so in the first place. Undeniable, men and women can do fine on their own once in a while. But its the instincts and natural tendency that push us out of our shells to be in touch with the opposite gender to seek that shoulder to lean on, and that warm comforting hug.
Men and women to me, are interdependent and complementary. That's what we are all seeking, aren't we? That someone to provide for ourselves what we can't do so on our own. With every partner we connect with, we are all finding answers and clarifications to what we want and what we're trying to fulfill. If we're meant to be equal, we could have simply be made the same.
This lifetime game of hide and seek doesn't seem to justify the notion.
Would the world be a nicer place to live in if we're all made equal? Perhaps, but I beg to differ. The differences should be celebrated and not forcefully matched, not a desperate act of bringing the distance closer. Nonetheless, we are not looking for equality. But to be treated with respect. Through respect, it opens more doors for one to share ideas and thoughts with. The constant mindset of inequality clouding one's vision may result in shutting out areas which could bring that distance so much closer.
It is a give and take situation. We all take from the opposite gender what we don't have and give what we have. That's how we start to rely on each other and build that bond by sharing. I've always believed that the more you give, the more you get. It may not always be instantaneous, but results will show one day.
There's a reason why the world is round and love is a transaction, so as to speak. We market our strengths to obtain what we want. We bank on what we can offer, to get what we don't. Look beyond that person, so different yet so alike of you as an individual. Appreciate that individual's worthiness, cherish that individual's strengths, most importantly, step into that individual's skin once in awhile, to view the world through their eyes.
What are you looking for? Someone for you to love and cherish, someone who loves and cherishes you or simply someone who fits the bill?
An excerpt of what Errol once preached, "Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a noble thing, that no poor human can ever meet our vision. "
It may not be about love all the time, but deep down inside, about satisfying needs and wants.
Something my mother said some time ago.
"Men and women can never be equal, no matter how you want it to be."
I dwelled in it awhile, rolled the idea through my mind a couple of times. Pushed myself back to the time when we were discussing this. It didn't sink in as much then, it was simply brushed off like lint on velvet. When it hit me this morning, I started to see light on it.
It's true that men and women can never be equal.
We're not meant to be so in the first place. Undeniable, men and women can do fine on their own once in a while. But its the instincts and natural tendency that push us out of our shells to be in touch with the opposite gender to seek that shoulder to lean on, and that warm comforting hug.
Men and women to me, are interdependent and complementary. That's what we are all seeking, aren't we? That someone to provide for ourselves what we can't do so on our own. With every partner we connect with, we are all finding answers and clarifications to what we want and what we're trying to fulfill. If we're meant to be equal, we could have simply be made the same.
This lifetime game of hide and seek doesn't seem to justify the notion.
Would the world be a nicer place to live in if we're all made equal? Perhaps, but I beg to differ. The differences should be celebrated and not forcefully matched, not a desperate act of bringing the distance closer. Nonetheless, we are not looking for equality. But to be treated with respect. Through respect, it opens more doors for one to share ideas and thoughts with. The constant mindset of inequality clouding one's vision may result in shutting out areas which could bring that distance so much closer.
It is a give and take situation. We all take from the opposite gender what we don't have and give what we have. That's how we start to rely on each other and build that bond by sharing. I've always believed that the more you give, the more you get. It may not always be instantaneous, but results will show one day.
There's a reason why the world is round and love is a transaction, so as to speak. We market our strengths to obtain what we want. We bank on what we can offer, to get what we don't. Look beyond that person, so different yet so alike of you as an individual. Appreciate that individual's worthiness, cherish that individual's strengths, most importantly, step into that individual's skin once in awhile, to view the world through their eyes.
What are you looking for? Someone for you to love and cherish, someone who loves and cherishes you or simply someone who fits the bill?
An excerpt of what Errol once preached, "Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a noble thing, that no poor human can ever meet our vision. "
It may not be about love all the time, but deep down inside, about satisfying needs and wants.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Feel the rush
Feel the rush of guilt and anxiety, as the stranger locks gazes with you, a sense of unrecognition. You know something that he doesn't. Something that the dearest person of his did. Your gaze drops, and starts do dart around, searching the room for something, anything that seemingly is far more interesting, mentally urging your friends for support.
Heaving a sigh of relief as he moves away, into his familiarity. You turn away, put on that smile, and tell yourself everything will be fine.
Staring at him, whilst running through everything that was said in the head of yours, attempting to tie the tales with this display of facts right before you.
The step out of that self-confining cell proved to be right. Circumstances now does not allow the plot to unfold. In time to come, all shall be forgotten.
Boundaries were teased, limits were nudged, living on the edge may not always be the white area.
Heaving a sigh of relief as he moves away, into his familiarity. You turn away, put on that smile, and tell yourself everything will be fine.
Staring at him, whilst running through everything that was said in the head of yours, attempting to tie the tales with this display of facts right before you.
The step out of that self-confining cell proved to be right. Circumstances now does not allow the plot to unfold. In time to come, all shall be forgotten.
Boundaries were teased, limits were nudged, living on the edge may not always be the white area.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The old man at home.
My father - my dad.
Friends of mine would say I don't talk much of my dad.
I'd like to say that he's a man of few words, yet on the contrary, he can be so noisy he drives me nuts.
When I was just a little girl, and my brother was just a blob of fats lying in the cot, an incident that happened was imprinted in my memories. It wasn't that big a deal when I come to think of it now, but it was, then. My dad had to report for reservist on my birthday. For any little toddler, a birthday is when the world stops for you, and you alone, and so, I wailed and bawled, when my dad's world simply wouldn't stop for me.
During the first few years of my life, my dad was my fort - withstanding the storms, tsunamis, lightning, thunder and all creepy crawlies for me, most importantly, my mother.
As I grew older, the affections, in a way, tipped the scales to that of a lumpy blob of brother I had. Perhaps, my dad simply had no idea how to dote on his little girl. But, every time he came home, he came back with something nice for my brother, and none for me. Initially, I started to resent it, threw tantrums and all. In the long run, I got used to it and simply shut both eyes whenever it happened.
I grew up speaking english at home. My parents were english educated. My dad's Mandarin, to be honest, is pathetic. Yet he didn't give up trying. Everytime he learnt a new phrase, he'll pepper every single sentence he attempted in Mandarin with THAT particular phrase. I would always grimace at the sound of it.
He used to copy new words and their meanings from dictionaries on small pieces of paper so that he could learn them whilst he was on the road. His many attempts to share them with me didn't work out as well as he would have liked, yet, little to his knowledge, one particular word stuck to me all these years, only because he was always mentioning it.
I learnt the true meaning and usage in Literature in secondary school and amusingly, I fell in love with the word. That's the title of my blog - soliloquy.
He used to make me stay awake on buses to recognise road names. As everyone knows, it absolutely didn't work. I'm still the road idiot.
Now, at 21, my dad's no longer my fort. He's a friend at times, a dad at times, nonetheless, sometimes he still irritates the hell out of me, on purpose. Apparently, I'm still 7 to him, and it seems that it's going to stay that way. He still thinks I can't make my way round this island. Even now, he still thinks I took Mass Communications in polytechnic.
This old man I have at home, is turning old. I see the white hairs sticking out of his head, I see the wrinkles forming, I see the aches and pains he has now that he didn't use to have, but he's still that 30 year old man I knew all my life.
I admire his responsibility to this household, by being able to put up with my mother for so many years, for providing whatever he can for us, despite being almost jobless, for buying food that I like, and nagging at me whenever I finish it, for giving me the same trait he has - being sentimental, to all things, even inanimate objects.
He has his quirky thinking, like how he refused to repair our water heater for one month, and made us boil water to bathe, just to "let us have a feel of how it was like last time".
Sigh, this old man I have at home, does drive me nuts.
Friends of mine would say I don't talk much of my dad.
I'd like to say that he's a man of few words, yet on the contrary, he can be so noisy he drives me nuts.
When I was just a little girl, and my brother was just a blob of fats lying in the cot, an incident that happened was imprinted in my memories. It wasn't that big a deal when I come to think of it now, but it was, then. My dad had to report for reservist on my birthday. For any little toddler, a birthday is when the world stops for you, and you alone, and so, I wailed and bawled, when my dad's world simply wouldn't stop for me.
During the first few years of my life, my dad was my fort - withstanding the storms, tsunamis, lightning, thunder and all creepy crawlies for me, most importantly, my mother.
As I grew older, the affections, in a way, tipped the scales to that of a lumpy blob of brother I had. Perhaps, my dad simply had no idea how to dote on his little girl. But, every time he came home, he came back with something nice for my brother, and none for me. Initially, I started to resent it, threw tantrums and all. In the long run, I got used to it and simply shut both eyes whenever it happened.
I grew up speaking english at home. My parents were english educated. My dad's Mandarin, to be honest, is pathetic. Yet he didn't give up trying. Everytime he learnt a new phrase, he'll pepper every single sentence he attempted in Mandarin with THAT particular phrase. I would always grimace at the sound of it.
He used to copy new words and their meanings from dictionaries on small pieces of paper so that he could learn them whilst he was on the road. His many attempts to share them with me didn't work out as well as he would have liked, yet, little to his knowledge, one particular word stuck to me all these years, only because he was always mentioning it.
I learnt the true meaning and usage in Literature in secondary school and amusingly, I fell in love with the word. That's the title of my blog - soliloquy.
He used to make me stay awake on buses to recognise road names. As everyone knows, it absolutely didn't work. I'm still the road idiot.
Now, at 21, my dad's no longer my fort. He's a friend at times, a dad at times, nonetheless, sometimes he still irritates the hell out of me, on purpose. Apparently, I'm still 7 to him, and it seems that it's going to stay that way. He still thinks I can't make my way round this island. Even now, he still thinks I took Mass Communications in polytechnic.
This old man I have at home, is turning old. I see the white hairs sticking out of his head, I see the wrinkles forming, I see the aches and pains he has now that he didn't use to have, but he's still that 30 year old man I knew all my life.
I admire his responsibility to this household, by being able to put up with my mother for so many years, for providing whatever he can for us, despite being almost jobless, for buying food that I like, and nagging at me whenever I finish it, for giving me the same trait he has - being sentimental, to all things, even inanimate objects.
He has his quirky thinking, like how he refused to repair our water heater for one month, and made us boil water to bathe, just to "let us have a feel of how it was like last time".
Sigh, this old man I have at home, does drive me nuts.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
I did it!
Perseverance does pay off. After countless tries to perfect the art of falling in style, I did it! I managed to stand! Without even Cadence or Angel, but just the house board! That 2 times down half the length of the cable ski park was enough to make all the falls and bruises forgivable. Came back to a grinning Sham and Ikel and a big hug from Mike, such a pity the girl wasn''t there to see and only realised one hour late.
It doesn't matter, babe.
Many thanks, hugs and kisses to the girl, the guy, Long and Mike for my surprise birthday cake! Boy, am I glad it was Andy's actual birthday and not mine! It was hilarious and everyone there had great fun watching the man and the instigator, Mike, riding BUTT NAKED around the cable ski park. It did take a lot of persuasion and no doubt, beers to get that going.
The long wait for this day was worth it. My bruised ankles and torn blisters will heal.
But nothing, can replace the exhilaration of getting where you set out to go. Now, I can start planning for my Angel 130 complete with bindings, my vest and helmet by the end of the year!
The only problem is, how am I supposed to carry that almost 30kg of weight back from Batam?
Impossible is nothing.
We can then all look forward to the party, if it surfaces, after Mike's operation.
Somehow or rather, the injuries don't scare us a tiny bit. Seeing the determination the riders display, just makes you motivated to go out there even more. The busted knees, twisted ankles, bruised arms, aching necks, water clogged brains and missing noses, will not stop us.
All in all, I did prove Errol wrong, I tried my hardest and did it.
Without a pro board, with a loose helmet and a vest that constantly rides up.
It doesn't matter, babe.
Many thanks, hugs and kisses to the girl, the guy, Long and Mike for my surprise birthday cake! Boy, am I glad it was Andy's actual birthday and not mine! It was hilarious and everyone there had great fun watching the man and the instigator, Mike, riding BUTT NAKED around the cable ski park. It did take a lot of persuasion and no doubt, beers to get that going.
The long wait for this day was worth it. My bruised ankles and torn blisters will heal.
But nothing, can replace the exhilaration of getting where you set out to go. Now, I can start planning for my Angel 130 complete with bindings, my vest and helmet by the end of the year!
The only problem is, how am I supposed to carry that almost 30kg of weight back from Batam?
Impossible is nothing.
We can then all look forward to the party, if it surfaces, after Mike's operation.
Somehow or rather, the injuries don't scare us a tiny bit. Seeing the determination the riders display, just makes you motivated to go out there even more. The busted knees, twisted ankles, bruised arms, aching necks, water clogged brains and missing noses, will not stop us.
All in all, I did prove Errol wrong, I tried my hardest and did it.
Without a pro board, with a loose helmet and a vest that constantly rides up.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
We are all closet lesbians.
Ever had a song running continuously through your head whilst in the midst of something?
"Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you, just to have somebody by my side.And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry."
Not a catchy song, nor a hit in the charts, but a song that runs deeper than it seems. Deafening like a siren, of warning, of forebode, an omen of the worst sorts. Words of that melody do not fit seamlessly into the context, yet hinting of something far more explosive.
Do you plunge in it, regardless its depth, ignoring the disclaimer staring straight back at you?
Do you pause to think, or blame it on something that's totally within your control?
Is it for the thrill, or is it to prove the fact that you live only once?
No particular feelings to be pinpointed, no questions to be asked, no sequel to it, it will just be a one off thing. Don't bother asking me about it, cos it's worth nothing to those uninvolved.
When you feel the blood rushing to your head, and all you want to do is scream, not to be heard, but to bring your mind back to reality, it is time to do something about it.
Conscious enough to tell yourself to be otherwise, sober enough to tell yourself to blame the raging emotions on an inanimate object, sane enough to know what you're doing is wrong.
With these, one should know when to slap yourself. Hard.
Would the words mouthed, be an attempt to prevent a disaster on your side, or that of mine?
The flashbacks, haunting, forcing me to squirm and grimace. What do you actually do, when you started off with the right foot, and somehow in the process, you stumble and get on the wrong foot? Would you leave the path entirely, when that trip in the road is just a tiny aspect of it? Or would you make the best out of it, attempt to correct it, and act as per normal, like nothing has ever happened before?
It's not a reason for celebration. But, it has happened. It will lay buried, deep amongst the debris of the pumping organ inside of me.
Hold the judging and all, these are merely, a play of words. Form the image you perceive, will you, and hold on to that. It's all but part of your mind. Nothing's been said, nothing's been done.
The uncountable interpretations of it all, a mystery to us all.
"Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you, just to have somebody by my side.And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry."
Not a catchy song, nor a hit in the charts, but a song that runs deeper than it seems. Deafening like a siren, of warning, of forebode, an omen of the worst sorts. Words of that melody do not fit seamlessly into the context, yet hinting of something far more explosive.
Do you plunge in it, regardless its depth, ignoring the disclaimer staring straight back at you?
Do you pause to think, or blame it on something that's totally within your control?
Is it for the thrill, or is it to prove the fact that you live only once?
No particular feelings to be pinpointed, no questions to be asked, no sequel to it, it will just be a one off thing. Don't bother asking me about it, cos it's worth nothing to those uninvolved.
When you feel the blood rushing to your head, and all you want to do is scream, not to be heard, but to bring your mind back to reality, it is time to do something about it.
Conscious enough to tell yourself to be otherwise, sober enough to tell yourself to blame the raging emotions on an inanimate object, sane enough to know what you're doing is wrong.
With these, one should know when to slap yourself. Hard.
Would the words mouthed, be an attempt to prevent a disaster on your side, or that of mine?
The flashbacks, haunting, forcing me to squirm and grimace. What do you actually do, when you started off with the right foot, and somehow in the process, you stumble and get on the wrong foot? Would you leave the path entirely, when that trip in the road is just a tiny aspect of it? Or would you make the best out of it, attempt to correct it, and act as per normal, like nothing has ever happened before?
It's not a reason for celebration. But, it has happened. It will lay buried, deep amongst the debris of the pumping organ inside of me.
Hold the judging and all, these are merely, a play of words. Form the image you perceive, will you, and hold on to that. It's all but part of your mind. Nothing's been said, nothing's been done.
The uncountable interpretations of it all, a mystery to us all.
Monday, October 23, 2006
I saw that playing in your head.
Despite the lack of sleep and overdose of toxins over the past few days, I awoke thoroughly rejuvenated. Ignoring the minor disappointments - not being able to get full attendence, I really have each and every one of my girls to thank for making it such a beautiful night.
A quiet afternoon, just catching up with Sufang, watching people go by, unfazed by the earlier downpour of T-rexes and killer whales. The air was quiet, with an odd sense of comfort and tranquility hanging in the atmosphere. Concerns were raised, questions answered, doubts were clarified, views were shared, just through that mere couple of hours, the distance between us shortened by non-quantitative measures.
Settlers' seemed to change the setting all together. We were seemingly brought back to secondary school days, where it was all more real and a lot more carefree-ness. The games took the lead weights that was weighing us down away. The laughter, took all unfamiliarity away from us.
That, made Wala Wala the perfect ending to sum up the entire night. One can only laugh in recognition of the familiar indecisiveness of ours. Taking a whole ten minutes and many queries shot at the Wala staff before we changed our minds to something that was staring at us straight in our faces. With that, Wala's menu was questioned down to the very last item.
At last, we've made our getaway plans somewhat concrete, the very first of ours, I pray not the last, but the start of many to come. No doubt a tiny one, it's still a baby step to what we've been trying so hard to accomplish.
Wrapping up the night with a miniature road trip, one that we can only long for, forever pending, forever planning, never concrete, I fell asleep, with a smile on my face with much appreciation, for the best 21st birthday gift I could ever receive...
And woke up late for work 4 hours later.
Someone who keeps my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.
That's who I need.
That's who I want.
A quiet afternoon, just catching up with Sufang, watching people go by, unfazed by the earlier downpour of T-rexes and killer whales. The air was quiet, with an odd sense of comfort and tranquility hanging in the atmosphere. Concerns were raised, questions answered, doubts were clarified, views were shared, just through that mere couple of hours, the distance between us shortened by non-quantitative measures.
Settlers' seemed to change the setting all together. We were seemingly brought back to secondary school days, where it was all more real and a lot more carefree-ness. The games took the lead weights that was weighing us down away. The laughter, took all unfamiliarity away from us.
That, made Wala Wala the perfect ending to sum up the entire night. One can only laugh in recognition of the familiar indecisiveness of ours. Taking a whole ten minutes and many queries shot at the Wala staff before we changed our minds to something that was staring at us straight in our faces. With that, Wala's menu was questioned down to the very last item.
At last, we've made our getaway plans somewhat concrete, the very first of ours, I pray not the last, but the start of many to come. No doubt a tiny one, it's still a baby step to what we've been trying so hard to accomplish.
Wrapping up the night with a miniature road trip, one that we can only long for, forever pending, forever planning, never concrete, I fell asleep, with a smile on my face with much appreciation, for the best 21st birthday gift I could ever receive...
And woke up late for work 4 hours later.
Someone who keeps my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.
That's who I need.
That's who I want.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Going down memory lane
How time has flown.
Soulfood madhouse days
Chillout sessions with the Jing Jang Gang
I'm missing all of that. Nowadays work is swallowing us whole, not even bothering to spit out the bones and all. We all spend more time in office than anywhere else.
Further, it's exasperating how the gang is always not at full force this days, cos of work commitments at times, when one can only sigh and lament, yet charge head first into it.
Briefly went through my work schedule in my head earlier and now, I am craving so much for a day, just one, when I can just put everything down, and head for some quiet place where I can read in peace.
To fully immerse myself in that of another's world, to let go of everything momentarily, to feel someone else's pain, hurt, joy, thrills, fears and experiences.
I'm needing that.
It's time to step out of my skin, breathe the fresh air a little, fully experience the rush of emotions once again.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Classic moments.
Late night with the girls always bring us to questions we always have no answers for. Only hypothetical analysis we come up with, hand in hand with the benefits of doubt we try so hard to hold. At times, it's plain tough to hold fort, to get a firm grip on this ever changing backdrop we have behind us. Yet, we're doing fine my dears, with the occassional hiccups and hitches we come across, we're still a reason for celebration.
Like how on impulse I messaged Errol, we are all nothing without friends. As true to the word, we are what our past makes us out to be. We are like climbing plants, constantly searching, constantly trying to reach to higher areas, to touch the sky, to get to where we want.
Friends are the fences that assist us in doing so. They're our crutches. My support. I love every single one of them. In any event were I to die the next moment, one of my biggest regret would be not letting them know how much they mean to me.
I'm happy that we're all moving on together, albeit in different directions, but we are moving up.
Part of every single one of us is still like before, or at the very least, longing for what we used to be.
We still are. We can still be.
We are still 7 very different people coming together, complementing each other, being there for each other.
I stand true to this.
Like how on impulse I messaged Errol, we are all nothing without friends. As true to the word, we are what our past makes us out to be. We are like climbing plants, constantly searching, constantly trying to reach to higher areas, to touch the sky, to get to where we want.
Friends are the fences that assist us in doing so. They're our crutches. My support. I love every single one of them. In any event were I to die the next moment, one of my biggest regret would be not letting them know how much they mean to me.
I'm happy that we're all moving on together, albeit in different directions, but we are moving up.
Part of every single one of us is still like before, or at the very least, longing for what we used to be.
We still are. We can still be.
We are still 7 very different people coming together, complementing each other, being there for each other.
I stand true to this.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Guilty as charged.
At times, I do wonder if words being said or actions being done can be a true reflection of what he/she is thinking or feeling. Could it be, many a time, we're consciously or subconsciously masking some emotions within us, trying to show only the side we want the outside world or intended party to see? Do we know what we're doing? What is exactly on our minds when we go through this decision process?
I'm dumbfounded.
Definitely guilty as charged.
How can we demand another a true showcase of his/ her emotions and thoughts when we ourselves fail to deliver as such? Can we really do unto others how we would like to be treated?
No, we can't.
I don't deny there are times, times when we only realise what we're doing only after doing so. Hence, it's pretty much obvious that it's redundant to feel remorseful or repentant. Sorry is just a word by itself. It means nothing without the emotional tags that bind tightly to it if one truly means that apology.
It's tiring to guess. Exhausting in fact.
The constant reminders to ourselves to be truthful to ourselves are just literally sticking post-it notes all over the place without paying attention to it. What's the point?
The moral of the story is, it's your choice.
Regardless the situation, it's still your choice.
"I didn't have a choice!"
That is an excuse. A cover up for what you fail to admit.
Well, talk is cheap. We can say whatever we want and we won't get caught.
I do feel. I do see. I do listen. I do reminise.
But at the same time, the deafening truth prevails.
I have to turn the other way. I have to twist my words. I have to hear but not listen. I have to reminise without emotions.
As of now, the smile is the reward I give to myself.
The laughter an assurance.
The joy, a comfort.
I'm dumbfounded.
Definitely guilty as charged.
How can we demand another a true showcase of his/ her emotions and thoughts when we ourselves fail to deliver as such? Can we really do unto others how we would like to be treated?
No, we can't.
I don't deny there are times, times when we only realise what we're doing only after doing so. Hence, it's pretty much obvious that it's redundant to feel remorseful or repentant. Sorry is just a word by itself. It means nothing without the emotional tags that bind tightly to it if one truly means that apology.
It's tiring to guess. Exhausting in fact.
The constant reminders to ourselves to be truthful to ourselves are just literally sticking post-it notes all over the place without paying attention to it. What's the point?
The moral of the story is, it's your choice.
Regardless the situation, it's still your choice.
"I didn't have a choice!"
That is an excuse. A cover up for what you fail to admit.
Well, talk is cheap. We can say whatever we want and we won't get caught.
I do feel. I do see. I do listen. I do reminise.
But at the same time, the deafening truth prevails.
I have to turn the other way. I have to twist my words. I have to hear but not listen. I have to reminise without emotions.
As of now, the smile is the reward I give to myself.
The laughter an assurance.
The joy, a comfort.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Sweet sweet sweet memories
When old friends get together, we'll reminise the good ol' days and have a good laugh about it. That was what we did over some horrible meal at Delifrance with Juan. Come to think of it, we've been friends for 12 years!
I recall the days in primary school, when we would be sitting along the corridor, playing five stones. Every single day, without fail. We'd gotten so good at it, we had to come up with ridiculous rules so as to make the game a tad more exciting. Until we got too bored with it, we moved on to Zero Point, got obsessed with it to the extent of playing at void decks after school ended. Not forgetting hopscotch, when even slabs of tiles in the parade ground became our playground during the short 20 minute recess break.
Remember our Moon Awards, where we combined classes to come up with a skit, so as to speak, for some assembly thing. It was hilarious! We even had the "celebrities" come up to give a short thank you speech. Our 鞋烧光 aka 谢韶光 was phenomenal. Unfortunately, I can't recall the rest of the names though.
Not forgetting our Mr Jumat bin Baba! Our beloved form teacher, who was a great teacher other than the times he made us eat chalk, get whacked by blackboard dusters, either on purpose, or if you got hit by accident, too bad too sad. We all remember Nicholas Tan, who always cried when he got scolded, Choon Guan, Juan's partner for a short while, who did not dare to sit down all cos he kept getting pinched by her, the lessons at the tiny "lecture room" behind the stage, when Jie Lun missed the first day of remedial lessons and when he got questioned why he didn't attend, all he said was "I went Fantasy Island with my family what."
That got him the nickname of Fantasy Island, with a few other people like, Victor, who was named Panadol and the list goes on.
Further, who can forget the food?! Rocket ice-cream, potato puffs, fried noodles, etc. The cheapest good food ever!
Head on to secondary school, greatest memories of the Jing Jang Gang, Mano, cheerleading, chilling out, bubble tea, takopachi, chicken mee, Pai Gu Mian, custard chicken, chilli fries, chicken rice, cup noodles and spaghetti!
Who can forget the hard work put in for the cheerleading finals, when we won 3rd?
Who can forget the countless remedial lessons we had to prepare us for the O Levels?
Who can forget the torturous Zhang HaiYan lessons, the horrible microphone and the time Evie poured super glue into the power socket?
Who can forget the performances our respective CCAs presented every single school function?
Who can forget the neverending practice sessions for the Singapore Youth Festivals?
Who can forget the skipping of classes?
Who can forget the breakfasts at Gombak Macdonalds?
Who can forget all these sweet sweet sweet memories?
We'll never find food like that, we can never behave like that, we simply are not 16 anymore.
Nonetheless, we still have fun our way. We still enjoy ourselves. We will still meet up over high tea with our husbands and kids in tow in future. We will still have days when we will let our hair down and just have loads and loads of fun.
Most importantly, we will still always be there for each other.
I recall the days in primary school, when we would be sitting along the corridor, playing five stones. Every single day, without fail. We'd gotten so good at it, we had to come up with ridiculous rules so as to make the game a tad more exciting. Until we got too bored with it, we moved on to Zero Point, got obsessed with it to the extent of playing at void decks after school ended. Not forgetting hopscotch, when even slabs of tiles in the parade ground became our playground during the short 20 minute recess break.
Remember our Moon Awards, where we combined classes to come up with a skit, so as to speak, for some assembly thing. It was hilarious! We even had the "celebrities" come up to give a short thank you speech. Our 鞋烧光 aka 谢韶光 was phenomenal. Unfortunately, I can't recall the rest of the names though.
Not forgetting our Mr Jumat bin Baba! Our beloved form teacher, who was a great teacher other than the times he made us eat chalk, get whacked by blackboard dusters, either on purpose, or if you got hit by accident, too bad too sad. We all remember Nicholas Tan, who always cried when he got scolded, Choon Guan, Juan's partner for a short while, who did not dare to sit down all cos he kept getting pinched by her, the lessons at the tiny "lecture room" behind the stage, when Jie Lun missed the first day of remedial lessons and when he got questioned why he didn't attend, all he said was "I went Fantasy Island with my family what."
That got him the nickname of Fantasy Island, with a few other people like, Victor, who was named Panadol and the list goes on.
Further, who can forget the food?! Rocket ice-cream, potato puffs, fried noodles, etc. The cheapest good food ever!
Head on to secondary school, greatest memories of the Jing Jang Gang, Mano, cheerleading, chilling out, bubble tea, takopachi, chicken mee, Pai Gu Mian, custard chicken, chilli fries, chicken rice, cup noodles and spaghetti!
Who can forget the hard work put in for the cheerleading finals, when we won 3rd?
Who can forget the countless remedial lessons we had to prepare us for the O Levels?
Who can forget the torturous Zhang HaiYan lessons, the horrible microphone and the time Evie poured super glue into the power socket?
Who can forget the performances our respective CCAs presented every single school function?
Who can forget the neverending practice sessions for the Singapore Youth Festivals?
Who can forget the skipping of classes?
Who can forget the breakfasts at Gombak Macdonalds?
Who can forget all these sweet sweet sweet memories?
We'll never find food like that, we can never behave like that, we simply are not 16 anymore.
Nonetheless, we still have fun our way. We still enjoy ourselves. We will still meet up over high tea with our husbands and kids in tow in future. We will still have days when we will let our hair down and just have loads and loads of fun.
Most importantly, we will still always be there for each other.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I'm fine.
Someone remind me to not be home any time before 10.
In any event that I have to, please just let there be peace.
That's all I ask for.
The rest are fine and manageable and dandy.
Just this. I'm up to my neck, scratch that, up to the top of the hairs on my head in all other stuff. Simply leaving me alone will suffice.
On a far fetched note, I'm itching to have water contact. It's going to be ONE whole month more!
All right, I'm done screaming. Back to being *ahem* prim and proper and paying attention to the Garfield blabbering in front of me.
In any event that I have to, please just let there be peace.
That's all I ask for.
The rest are fine and manageable and dandy.
Just this. I'm up to my neck, scratch that, up to the top of the hairs on my head in all other stuff. Simply leaving me alone will suffice.
On a far fetched note, I'm itching to have water contact. It's going to be ONE whole month more!
All right, I'm done screaming. Back to being *ahem* prim and proper and paying attention to the Garfield blabbering in front of me.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Lil butterflies in my tummy.
Our obsessions are going way off.
With a new interest and getaway plan hovering our minds, we've got something to look forward up to 6 months down the road.
Scuba diving open water course cum Tioman getaway in March!
No doubt, our hobbies are getting more and more expensive. But the satisfaction and accomplishment - priceless. With the same interests and hobbies now, I suppose, our Energizer alter egos will surge us to even more fascinating and out of the world places and activities.
Saturday's picnic at the Wakeboarding World Cup is my drive for the week. After which, we'll be cruising event-less through October till my celebrations on the 28th! Words cannot justify how needed that is. Most probably a quick, short and much needed gasp in the next 2 months before I head down to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific conference and the girl's motoring show.
Perhaps, if all works out well, we'll manage to squeeze everyone into one room, and we can scream the walls down with our Jenga and poker cards!
After I get back, the girl and the editor in chief will be heading for Naga City, Philippines with their new (I foresee) PS3, vest, helmet, big bags and most importantly, barf bags to the Camarines Sur Ski Park. It'll be December before we know it!
To reward ourselves for our whole year of hardwork, tortures we had, emotional abuses, financial tortures, we shall reward ourselves to wakeboarding at Punggol! Well, we have to try sooner or later. Then we'll see if what Errol says is true.
For now, it's the firming up of plans for the 28th and March.
Our monthly makan sessions with the Super people are somehow working out just fine and dandy. Next Wednesday we'll let our hair and guards down once again!
Pls don't stop me from being excited!
With a new interest and getaway plan hovering our minds, we've got something to look forward up to 6 months down the road.
Scuba diving open water course cum Tioman getaway in March!
No doubt, our hobbies are getting more and more expensive. But the satisfaction and accomplishment - priceless. With the same interests and hobbies now, I suppose, our Energizer alter egos will surge us to even more fascinating and out of the world places and activities.
Saturday's picnic at the Wakeboarding World Cup is my drive for the week. After which, we'll be cruising event-less through October till my celebrations on the 28th! Words cannot justify how needed that is. Most probably a quick, short and much needed gasp in the next 2 months before I head down to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific conference and the girl's motoring show.
Perhaps, if all works out well, we'll manage to squeeze everyone into one room, and we can scream the walls down with our Jenga and poker cards!
After I get back, the girl and the editor in chief will be heading for Naga City, Philippines with their new (I foresee) PS3, vest, helmet, big bags and most importantly, barf bags to the Camarines Sur Ski Park. It'll be December before we know it!
To reward ourselves for our whole year of hardwork, tortures we had, emotional abuses, financial tortures, we shall reward ourselves to wakeboarding at Punggol! Well, we have to try sooner or later. Then we'll see if what Errol says is true.
For now, it's the firming up of plans for the 28th and March.
Our monthly makan sessions with the Super people are somehow working out just fine and dandy. Next Wednesday we'll let our hair and guards down once again!
Pls don't stop me from being excited!
Monday, September 25, 2006
bla bla bla
Today spells trouble.
It's so not going well. I can't wait for Garfield to go home and leave me to do my work in peace.
My head is throbbing.
Pardon me. I just need to scream. Don't mind me.
It just irks me. The voices. The noise. The ringing in my ears.
When I was young, I loved opening letters, jumping for joy every time I receive a letter. It definitely was once in a blue moon. I'd scramble to the letterbox every time, even if it was some brochure, as long as it was addressed to yours truly. With my name on it.
These days, I barely glance at the pile of letters with my name on it everyday. Sometimes, it stays there untouched for days, cos I know, the letters are evil. Evil to my pocket.
I reach home after all in a day, all I want to do is lie down in peace, complete silence, no talking. Just let me be for a while. I'll blabber the house down after that.
It's not a mood swing, I just need to do a quick run through of the day's events, get in touch with my emotions, batter myself up a little and I'm up and running.
I wonder, what I'm blabbering now. Excuse me please. I shall get back to my leaning tower of work.
It's so not going well. I can't wait for Garfield to go home and leave me to do my work in peace.
My head is throbbing.
Pardon me. I just need to scream. Don't mind me.
It just irks me. The voices. The noise. The ringing in my ears.
When I was young, I loved opening letters, jumping for joy every time I receive a letter. It definitely was once in a blue moon. I'd scramble to the letterbox every time, even if it was some brochure, as long as it was addressed to yours truly. With my name on it.
These days, I barely glance at the pile of letters with my name on it everyday. Sometimes, it stays there untouched for days, cos I know, the letters are evil. Evil to my pocket.
I reach home after all in a day, all I want to do is lie down in peace, complete silence, no talking. Just let me be for a while. I'll blabber the house down after that.
It's not a mood swing, I just need to do a quick run through of the day's events, get in touch with my emotions, batter myself up a little and I'm up and running.
I wonder, what I'm blabbering now. Excuse me please. I shall get back to my leaning tower of work.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
yours truly
An insight on yours truly, through a personality quiz:
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
How true? Well, scores pretty high on the scale for in terms of accuracy.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Getaway indulged.
This is what you call procrastinating. Almost 3 months since our getaway to Bangkok, the girl's virgin trip to Bangkok and our many misadventures, she finally sent me the photos!
Here goes!
Our first night in Bangkok!
2nd day at Chatuchak Weekend Market We literally shopped till we dropped and couldn't move anymore. Went back to the hotel after and cam-whored a little, we were so exhausted we slept all the way till at night! We even gave up the idea of more shopping!
MBK, Siam Center, Siam Paragon, we conquered them all!It was complete tai-tai's paradise in Siam Paragon. With absolutely nothing we could afford, we did what we did best! Window shopping and cam-whoring. Siam Paragon was simply breathtaking. No single mall in Singapore can beat it. Honestly.
Fashion runwayIndulged in local street hawker food, with a fashion show of our buys, we made a huge mess out of the hotel room. Had a hard time packing our lugguages, we almost had to sit on them in order to get them zipped up!
Well, when we packing our bags again?
Friday, September 22, 2006
Stimulation
Settler's is addictive.
We are exhausting the deck of cards for Taboo. Goodness! Not all ferries are called penguins!
It's a good thing though, bikinis and boards are physically stimulating and Settler's mind stimulating. It's a inside out and upside down entire body workout.
Sweet torture playing in the realm of my kingdom in the clouds.
We are exhausting the deck of cards for Taboo. Goodness! Not all ferries are called penguins!
It's a good thing though, bikinis and boards are physically stimulating and Settler's mind stimulating. It's a inside out and upside down entire body workout.
Sweet torture playing in the realm of my kingdom in the clouds.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Childhood relived
Last night was an unexpected twist of events. It turned out to be loads of fun, hand trembling, heart stopping and laughter!
Went for dinner with Errol at Holland V. I think he morphed into part Sham yesterday. I couldn't stop laughing on the way there and through dinner, even though the jokes were targetted at me. He made me walk so far to get to Holland V, even though I insisted the other route was shorter. Fine.
Coincidentally met Juan and Vinod there, and they instigated us to head for Settler's. Wasn't too keen on it at first cos the both of us were dead tired.
We were wrong. Proven wrong.
Despite the short 1 hour we had, we managed to squeeze in 2 games - Jenga and Taboo.
Jenga was heart stopping. All thanks to new found methods of playing, which Juan and I could not possibly attempt. The tower of bricks was twisted beyond recognition. For the very first time, 1 single round of Jenga can extend past half an hour. Yes, all thanks to our dear Errol, I was the one who toppled the tower. There was really no way out. We should have taken a picture!
Next up: Taboo
Now we know what's on every one's mind when given key words.
Anything small, tiny is a nipple to Vinod.
Juan's main ingredient in a hot dog bun is meat. She just couldn't get the word 'sausage' out.
That was so funny.
Anyway, you guys won cos we kept forgetting to turn the hourglass!
Went for dinner with Errol at Holland V. I think he morphed into part Sham yesterday. I couldn't stop laughing on the way there and through dinner, even though the jokes were targetted at me. He made me walk so far to get to Holland V, even though I insisted the other route was shorter. Fine.
Coincidentally met Juan and Vinod there, and they instigated us to head for Settler's. Wasn't too keen on it at first cos the both of us were dead tired.
We were wrong. Proven wrong.
Despite the short 1 hour we had, we managed to squeeze in 2 games - Jenga and Taboo.
Jenga was heart stopping. All thanks to new found methods of playing, which Juan and I could not possibly attempt. The tower of bricks was twisted beyond recognition. For the very first time, 1 single round of Jenga can extend past half an hour. Yes, all thanks to our dear Errol, I was the one who toppled the tower. There was really no way out. We should have taken a picture!
Next up: Taboo
Now we know what's on every one's mind when given key words.
Anything small, tiny is a nipple to Vinod.
Juan's main ingredient in a hot dog bun is meat. She just couldn't get the word 'sausage' out.
That was so funny.
Anyway, you guys won cos we kept forgetting to turn the hourglass!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Indiosyncrasies
A night long of report writing and cleaning up crap work combined with barely 2 hours of sleep before head crashing into a mad day of work is not a good idea.
So not a good idea. Move clock hands, MOVE. Of course, using my subconscious self's lousy attempts to will the clock hands to move faster is NOT working.
I am about to raise the white flag and lie flat, ready to be trampled over by the garfield himself.
Caught a telecast of the news about the military coup in Thailand and my mood was dampened even before I place my foot into the carpeted floor of the office. More work. Great job, guys! As garfield says, better now, than before the elections.
Our Asia Pacific conference will be clashing head on with the elections in Thailand in November. Night before the elections and before you pen your vote, no alcohol to be consumed. Strictly no alcohol. By orders of the government. It's illegal to drink even a single drop of alcohol that night.
Absolute culture shock. That's understanding cross-cultural diversity.
Inability to focus, fuzzy eyesight, crazy blabberings and slight loss of hearing are preliminary symptoms of ineedtosleepnow andimeannow - a very scientific term for a serious sleep disorder.
No, I am not a hypochondriac. I think it's just one of my idiosyncrasies.
So not a good idea. Move clock hands, MOVE. Of course, using my subconscious self's lousy attempts to will the clock hands to move faster is NOT working.
I am about to raise the white flag and lie flat, ready to be trampled over by the garfield himself.
Caught a telecast of the news about the military coup in Thailand and my mood was dampened even before I place my foot into the carpeted floor of the office. More work. Great job, guys! As garfield says, better now, than before the elections.
Our Asia Pacific conference will be clashing head on with the elections in Thailand in November. Night before the elections and before you pen your vote, no alcohol to be consumed. Strictly no alcohol. By orders of the government. It's illegal to drink even a single drop of alcohol that night.
Absolute culture shock. That's understanding cross-cultural diversity.
Inability to focus, fuzzy eyesight, crazy blabberings and slight loss of hearing are preliminary symptoms of ineedtosleepnow andimeannow - a very scientific term for a serious sleep disorder.
No, I am not a hypochondriac. I think it's just one of my idiosyncrasies.
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