Proposing with rocks

It's pretty hilarious in a way.

This morning started off with some good news about Lisa's flight being delayed and won't be back till we're gone for the day. That brought some sparkle to our day.

So Cathleen and I were talking about boyfriends proposing. Sparked off by her being totally worried that her boyfriend is going to propose to her, cos he will, she just has no idea when. The story is, she loves him to bits and they've been together for a couple of years, living together in this land that he worships, and she's not sure whether she wants to live the rest of her life with him, yada yada.

We drifted off to Sex in the City episodes, where Carrie found this hideous ring her boyfriend was going to use to propose to her, which Miranda helped to choose. As we were saying, we'd be stuck if we were proposed to with an UGLY ring. Like how her friend's guy proposed with his grandmother's ring, with a freaking huge diamond, yet it was incredibly hideous. She was so stuck with it cos well, it's his grandmother's?

Thus, we concluded we'd rather have a small yet beautiful ring, instead of a huge yet ugly ring. In fact, I've always had a thing against big diamonds. Call me nuts, but yeah, I've got a thing against diamond studded rings. I think they look too cluttered.

Come to think of it, I've got a thing against getting flowers too. I sometimes suspect, I'm not really a girl inside.

Cathleen's a huge advocate of women's rights and all. It's interesting how she sees the conventional white, virginal wedding gown with puffy sleeves, making brides look like a doll demeaning to women.

I can see and feel the war brewing when her guy proposes. Pigs in a blanket at a huge All American wedding VS a classy elegant yet simple affair with salads and snazzy finger food?

On a side note, being nice may not get you everywhere, but apparently, being nice does get you away with things.

There goes my morning, well spent. Talking about boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, wedding rings, Sex in the City, nice lawyers who think everyone else is stupid and the culture Down Under.

My work week is, unofficially over.

Yes, I can't save the world.

.....as much as I try.. I'm still fucking pissed.

I have half a mind to scream the house down. The other half to ignore everything.

I don't own anyone, neither do I owe anyone anything. The only actions I have to account for are my own. Don't lump whoever's deeds to mine, cos I don't have that kind of power to control, nor to manipulate.

Pushing no blame to anyone, I just need to be treated as a separate entity, cos that's what I am.

I didn't blow based on one sole fact, but of incidents and emotions too complex and too intricate to be weaved into words. The fatigue's not unknown, neither is it within my control. It's not as simple as yielding to que sera sera.

"It's not your problem," they say.

I'm making it mine, cos you mean so much I want you to have the very very best of it all.


Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish, I'm not me.

Babes, I NEED a hug, Chevrons and that little space of my own. I want to be in that little space on the roof, where everything seems so unimportant and minute. Yes, I can't worry for the world. Perhaps, even in this little world of mine, not everything can be made right. Could they be wrong for a right reason?

I want to be evil, for once. This time, I truly am drained, right to the toes of my feet. I'm tired of providing the answers, I'm tired of being the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, of being the constant in everyone else's life. Where's my shoulder? Where's my listening ear? Where's the constant for me to follow?

Somehow, when I start edging the border to being in the centre of attention, the wrong one seeks me out. But, I need that tiny bit of attention once in a while, to remind myself of my own existence, and not in the shadow of everyone else's spotlight.

I am real, after all. Even machines break down. Who knows, I might just disappear into thin air some time.

Not now perhaps. Thank you my lovelies, for making everything less significant and me more significant. I'll drop by your shop tomorrow for a hug and say goodbye to your shop for the last time.

Keeping the faith.

There's this shell I use to hide, away from the glaring stares and haunting chants.

It doesn't hurt when you don't feel. It probably won't hurt as much if you're not aware of it happening. But what it doesn't shield, is the actual fact of the hurt happening. The actual resentment of things you don't want happening. The evil stares of that creature that lurks in the dark, though unseen, it's pure existance is overbearing.

The long withheld belief is now put to the extreme test. A matter of whether I believe in it enough to want to make things change, or silently await its arrival. Either way, the consequences are daring me in the face to will me to yield.

Be it black, white or grey, I will hang on to the faith and grasp at every chance of a miracle.

"Look what you've done, you've made a fool out of everyone..."

You know what?

I don't really want to know what's going on in there. I don't care the least bit.

I love the flowers on my side. The grass isn't greener as it always seems to be.

One last cigarette.

I've come to realise...

It wasn't that I wasn't happy with you.

It's just that....





I'm happier without you.

Traumatised!

Some incredibly traumatising photos..... oh well, for old times' sake! I know I'm going to regret this!

sweetie.

You know something? I miss you too. I didn't think it was possible after the long absence.

All of a sudden, the episode seemed like it happened only yesterday.

I need your healing messages once again.

Mercy.

I've always believed in euthanasia. It's not ethically, morally or whatsoever correct to take charge of someone else's life into your own hands, I agree. What if you know that that's going to take all the suffering out of that person you love, lying there, with no control over anything at all?

If I'm infiltrated with a dozen illnesses, been through countless operations, surviving in a sea of colourful pills, or... if it takes a machine to keep me breathing and my heart pumping, then, please do me a favour and not hang on.

It's not just a grey area, but one of fog and mist and all things bleak.

Take mercy on me, and shut the power off.

Nobody's there.

You could be screaming your head off with joy amongst a sea of bobbing heads, and no one gives you a second glance.

You don't really care, cos the very incident that sparked that behaviour meant the world to you, something you worked so hard for, for far too long and far too hard.

This part of my life...this tiny part right here, I call it "happyness".

Yes, spelt with a 'y', just cos...I like it so.

With all those unpleasantness drifting out of my system, all's good once again. Sometimes, playing by the rules and roles we ought to be in is so much healthier.

To my dear friends who are going through a bad patch right now, stay firm and stick it out.

I'm here. Anytime and anywhere. Just think of how you can laugh all these off once its over, and that very moment is just round the next corner, or perhaps 2 more corners, but it is there. It really is.

To the girl we hold so dear...

Perhaps, we're all out of your system now, but there's a tiny part of you that wants it all to come back. At least, that's what I'd like to think. We grew up together, we grew up fine. Yet, for so long, you've been there and we've been here. Are we never going to take that step out? Are we just hanging around in our spaces?

I have no idea what and how much my words or our words mean to you right now. With every gathering, a glimpse of hope hangs in the air that you'll be there. Have we gotten used to your absence? I guess so.

Have we given up on having you around? No we haven't and we won't.

The short bitching session felt like you never left. You said you'd come but you didn't, but it's okay.

Just holler whenever you need us, all right babe? Love ya.

Waiting...

Shuffling around last new year's.

Lying in bed, unable to speak, half paralysed this new year's.

I touched her and she smiled, unwilling to let go, yet clinging to hold on with hands she can't command.

Unable to move anymore now, stricken with pain, or is it when paralysis sets in, you feel nothing at all?



Told to wait...for the time she lets go.

Is this way the lesser evil, for her, or for us? Perhaps both.

Priceless.

I found a treasure. Then, I proceeded to laugh my head off.

I couldn't help laughing at those pictures taken during our prom night which was held at the prestigious Hilton Hotel inclusive of incredibly lousy food, no doubt (so much for the prestige!). I think Juan looked the best that night. Don't even ask about me, I'm mentally deleting my presence from the pictures.

I even recall the hunt we had for our prom dresses. I remember the preparation at Evie's house. I just don't remember what happened during the prom.

The night we watched "To Kill a Mockingbird" play.

The National Cheerleading Competition.

Swiss Serenade at the Victoria Concert Hall.

St John's Inspection Nite.

Vibez.

Our class pictures.


Totally. Hilarious.

I don't even have recollections of some of these occassions. Those were the days without a digital camera.

There is always someone, somehow, always missing.

Sex on the beach. Tantalizing!

Night out with the girls and guys never fails. Dbl O did her thing for us and it was marvellous that we all had a spanking good time without anyone getting wasted. The guy on the podium nearly screamed my ears off despite the blasting music.

Full attendance, almost. We fare better not putting in so much effort planning for a night out.

Sex on the beach is tantalizing.

I feel like packing my bags, to somewhere, foreign and intimidating. Maybe I should consider the free ticket to New York seriously.

Then again, better not.

Incarnadine glow in the musty darkness

A news I won't put off as shocking, despite the unfamiliarity yet familiarity of the involved, clouded our discussion topics barely hours ago. None to be spoken of here, those who know, would know, those who don't, perhaps, would soon hear of it, judging from the speed of news travelling. At least for now, it doesn't involve me, in case it arouses the curiosity of any, I'm speaking from a third party point of view.

That aside, the JJG has always talked about organising a get-together, a proper one, where everyone would attend. As always, nothing concrete surfaced, somehow, our schedules always clashed, one way or another. This time round, with Terence heading down under for pilot training, it HAS to surface this time round.

Wear our uniforms for a "back to the past" experience?

Do a as always barbeque session at our usual place?

6 years since we graduated, and we still miss our Mano days. An episode touched too much upon, yet impossible to repeat, buried deep and reminisced often.

Laughters so genuine, time so treasured, whispers of naiveness, glows of youthfulness surrounds us from day to day.

Recalling what David said that day, "when you're 16, you can't wait to be 18, when you're 18, you can't wait to be 21, when you're 21, time flies like never before, and all you want, is to return to the time you were 16."

Swiss Cottage Secondary School.

A place we learnt, laughed and cried. A place where developed people I place high regards in. Despite a neighbourhood school some scorned upon, it shown amongst the murky waters.

A sudden jerk of reminder of the coming Chinese New Year, no stressful boyfriend's family visit this time, just a whole lot of gatherings, spelling fun, peace and not forgetting, a whole lot of laughter.

This break is probably a call for rest, to slow down and sniff the flowers a little, grow a little garden and breathe the air, of course, swing the swings and engulf my mind in literature and music.

If truth be told, I am enjoying this, thoroughly, ignoring the little knots that come tied along.
Something is glowing, a bright and fascinating light, a pull on one's heart strings, a thug on one's firm foothold, a pair of gloves in the merciless snow, a forgiving hug in an unforgiving chapter, an unpretentious smile in a world of complexity, it's the glow that exudes from within, simple, yet textured with meanings.

It's a detaching drinking session with the tightest of friends.

It's the tightest of all bindings that make your feet suffer, yet you chose it to avoid injuries that make you suffer.

It's the most genuine laughter, in the psuedo state of mind.

It's to love the one who can't reciprocate, and yet to not be able to reciprocate the one who loves you.

It's sad, yet that's the way it is.

It's watching Romeo and Juliet in the music room, lying on our tummies, in our school uniforms, tearing at the littlest details, doing the silent run through of the text in our heads, once again.

The colours seem to fade away, yet the monotony of details glow through, slicing through the clutter like a sushi knife, sharp and intended.

It should be so.

The man stays home, day to day, watching serials after serials, newspapers after newspapers, catching reality shows that his children have never heard of. He knows every single piece of news in the papers, every single piece of gossip that no one else truly cares about.

The wife heads out for work, before the sun rises, before any single member of the family rises, only to return home after dark, unknowingly falling asleep within minutes.

This happens day after day, month after month, has it been years? With reality blurred and foggy, what stands true remains hidden.

A sick sense of disappointment washes over like a gigantic tsunami wave. Is there a reason to stay in, to see all these, to be reminded of the reality, or do against will, only to return after all is calm, a bare hint of what it should be, quiet and welcoming?

When was the last time you've seen him walking through that door, at the same time everyone else's should? No intentions to snide, just questions and doubts of what should all be. Years ago, that's the answer, with only an inkling of how heartwarming that felt.

There's only so much she can do. That's all.

salient.

You know, I've never believed that long distance relationships could work. Yes, not even now.

It's not a matter of controlling my partner, I doubt I've much done so in my past relationships, but more of a "I need him when I want someone to hold." kind of mentality. Not exactly bull's eye on my point, but at least, he would be within touch, within reach, a real being.

Of course, no matter where he is, he's just going to be a phone call away, a message away so on and so forth.

Nonetheless, it's different. Just, different.

Factor in the time differences, the culture differences, the different lifestyles, the list goes on and on, mirroring the list of frustrations that attribute to the wear and tear of a relationship.

I've realised, I can't put down the differences. They're flashing in front of me, non-stop. They ar there, all right, undeniable, discriminating and constantly conscious. I can't walk down that one straight road without a single thought of whether that stranger is looking at me, or if that stranger there is dying to ask me something.

No I can't.

Some things are better left unsaid, though the unsaid thoughts for both him and her thunder a million thoughts, drilling a thousand nails, etching truth so deep they can't be mended.

There are times when truly, smile because it happened.

A technicolour dreamcoat.

When something major happens in your life, and as much as you want to bury it deep down inside, somewhere that can't be reached despite the desperate need to, yet, all you want, is to brush it away for now.

When that particular thing boils to the top, bubbling like some hot liquid, forcing its way to the surface, ignoring all pleas to stay buried, all you want to do is to tell just that one person, just to make yourself feel better, hoping that the one person could bring light and positivity into the somehow mad rush downhill scenario.

Yet, all you can do, is smile to yourself, reminding yourself that, it's not going to happen, cos that person somehow seems too occupied, or too caught up in whatever's happening, some priorities way above you at this point.

The very person you wanted to be the first to know, may turn out to be, unfortunately, the very last person to know. By then, I hope, things wouldn't matter at all, cos it has taken a turn for the better, that whatever is swirling through my head now may all seem like a figment of my imagination.

For now, I shall leave you in your own world, where things are all flowery and nice, at least that's what it seems to me, I'll colour my own world, a technicolor dreamcoat.

the last day of twenty o six

Indulgz-ing in Sweet Memories

Childhood revived and recaptured on film

Melodiously stepping into 2007

See-saw rainbows.

We all seek this balance in our lives. It could mean differently to different individuals, the areas we have to support, the aspects we have to weigh and so on and so forth.

Many a times, the number of such areas becomes unknowingly too much for each of us to support, yet we’re on our own. Friends, family, work, play, relationships, the list is non-exhaustive. Things may be fine occasionally, when the individual weights aren’t that much for us to take, at other times, some aspects weigh down on us so much, we give up on the other sides of the see-saw.

Some are able to do so, with little hiccups, with good time management and efforts put in.

Others do not even realize that this see-saw of theirs is tilting so much on one side, perhaps, a result of them being too wrapped up in the other side.

We indulge in the imbalance most of the times cos of preference, and varying priority levels. Seldom do we rejoice in the successful balance in all aspects, probably due to the low frequency of such an event.

Are we to blame, or are we to reflect?

We could immerse deeper and deeper into the priority at that point in time, neglecting the otherwise. Without realization, it could be gone, before you manage to save anything.

All in all.

2006's been an eventful year, probably mentioned it a thousand and one times, the girl and I had even listed down the major happenings that went by in a flash this year, and let's say, we surprised even ourselves!

Melancholic thoughts were running through my mind last night and robbed me a tad too much of my sleep. The urge to get up and write it down was intense, but as much as it is, my butt was asleep already.

I had wanted to jot down this post for memories' sake, few would know that I re-read my diary entries time to time. At times, I choose to simply tear it to pieces - these are happenings that I want erased from my mind. At other moments, all I want is to pen it down, be it a happy moment or a moment that I was hurting real bad, to serve as a reminder and a lesson learnt. Events and words that mean nothing to others, yet mean so much to me, cos they are pieces of my memories, that made me behave and think the way I am now.

May 2006

A really bad and in the dumps period, when my slightly after 2 year relationship came to an abrupt end. It hit me hard. My mind went a little haywire for awhile. Being over and done with, I guess I won't touch on the cause and effects. We're still in really close contact now, though I still question myself from time to time, why did I forgive him in the end. Was it to soothe my wounds, to be easier on myself, or I simply can't be bothered with it anymore? Regardless, I don't see anything happening between us anymore, contradictory to all your concerns, stepping out of the fog has made my mind clearer, somehow.

In the same month, I stepped into another relationship. One that came fast, and ended fast too. Perhaps, you still do read my blog, perhaps, you can't be bothered anymore. There were happy times and likewise, unhappy moments weaved through the short span of our relationship too. If you're reading this, I just want to say, thank you.

Thank you for being there when I needed somemone.

Thank you for being the shoulder I needed to lean on, for giving the hugs I needed to push on, for believing in me, and us, though it was only for a short while. For the laughter we shared, the lessons taught and most importantly, the memories.

I was happy then, though words of such means nothing to both you and me now.

We didn't end as amiably as I had hoped, but like I said, I stepped out of it stronger. Somehow, when it happened, I felt no impulse to question the doubts, why it happened, why didn't we work out, why this, why that. Words are powerful tools. I've learnt. In a way, you've changed my mindset in ways I still can't fathom.

I know you're happy now, and that you're doing well, and I'm truly happy for you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe, you didn't hurt. Maybe, you did. Undoubtedly, we've both recovered and moved on from where we left off. 4 months has passed since we last met. Perhaps, one day, we can sit down and laugh over what happened, and become friends we never attempted to be.

For now, like I've said before, I wish you all the best.


June 2006

It's been 6 months since I left my previous company, and 6 months since I joined this company. Close friends would know how it's like for me now. I emphasize, just let me bitch about it a little, I'll stick through it. One more year, that's all I need. I do miss my previous company, the people and the laughter. Things are different here, but I get the satisfaction and the assurance I seek, from people who matters most.

July 2006

I saw my beloved cousin walking down the red carpet. Recalling what I said to her then, I am exhilarated for her, yet feeling an odd sense of loss. I'm glad that you're happy, and I've gained a cousin-in-law. We should find time to resume our ktv sessions. I know, its me. I'll find time, don't worry.

September 2006

The girl made me fall in love with wakeboards. Then, she made me go riding. After countless face plants and Carlsberg beers, I've gotten my own board. A hefty investment, 1.6k to be exact, I think my brain got water-clogged I couldn't think properly. Nonetheless, I love my Angel, my Transits, after I manage to get into them. Now to get over the wet weather, I'm dying to ride! It's been so long now! Met a lot of people through riding, especially Mike, David, Helly, Long, Chun Kiat, Geraldine and all. The countless laughters in Mike's shop, the Nana Thai dinners, the on going stabs at each other, and our planned camping trips, it will happen soon.

November 2006

Seeing the painfully planned Asia Pacific Conference 2006 happening before my eyes, made all late nights and frustrations fizzle off. I'll bash myself in the head next year, looking back at this, but I am so looking forward to next year's conference. Asia Pacific Conference - Dubai 2007.


Other happenings I shall not speak of, but will do so, in a couple of months when it surfaces. It will. I have faith. Once again, I shall not list down any New Year's resolutions here. I just need to clear stuff up. Some things are getting way too messed up, and it should not be happening.

There are things that will stay with me and remain unspoken of.

One person I really want to thank, is Errol. Thanks my dear, for being there for me for so long. For trying so hard to keep me on track, for irritating me and being irritated by me, and so much more. You've kept me sane, and driven me insane. You should come to Batam with me again, your said Punggol trips are not happening! I do wish you'd let me watch the shows I want to watch though, instead of criticizing them!

Not forgetting dear, you know what's coming up next year for you, we will make through this and make it work. Trust me. Love you babe! And the guy too, yes you, Sham, though u can drive me nuts, but I love you all the same!

Deaf-initly Boleh!

You start to realise how fortunate you are when you're surrounded by people who are otherwise. Recall one of the questions which was once put to me, if I had to give up one of my senses, which one would it be.

"My sense of hearing."

This couldn't have come to me stronger anywhere else, but at the Deaf-initely Boleh Carnival, a deaf awareness carnival held at the National Library over the weekend. Started off to help my cousin cos she was short of volunteers to help out, got Xiaobai in, and off we went to the carnival early Saturday and Sunday morning when everyone else was in bed.

We had to constantly remind ourselves not to succumb to the temptation of Macdonald's breakfasts, lazing in bed, or just chilling somewhere. Boy, it was tough!

These people are amazing, yet underestimated and belittled.

They can do so much more than you, me or anyone else can, purely cos of the drive in them and they know how not to take things they have for granted. They count every single blessing with much joy and enthusiasm, it makes you think they could be fortunate for their loss.

Them, being so comfortable and accepting of themselves, simply puts us to shame, makes us feel handicapped. Here we are, perfectly fine, complaining about phones ringing constantly, boring music, lousy singing, when they, for one, cannot hear.

They do lead ordinary lives which are far more extraordinary. They seek satisfaction, fulfillment, emotionally, instead of focusing on the materials. These are things that you can bring along with you down the years. Not your designation. Not your worldly possessions.

"Treat your child as a child with a handicap. Not as a handicapped child. Love him/her first as a child, then accept and help them with their handicap."

Not pining the words to that of what I heard, but the gist lies there.

There are lawyers, regional managers, assistant managers, teachers in there. Coming down to it, even you and I may not have that capability to reach that level. Their achievements are commitments they put themselves to, driving themselves to achieve because they know they can. Not because they seek to compete.

We stepped in not knowing what to expect and what was expected of us.

We stepped out, with a bigger heart and a bounce in our steps.

I'm glad I went and stayed on.

They are deaf, they can't hear, but they can listen. Not through voices of you and I, but through your body language and unsaid thoughts - what you and I always neglect through said communication.

Impossible is nothing and silence may just cut through more boundaries than words of nothingness...