Our very first trip.

KL couldn't have been finer. The shopping wasn't too great, the food's fantastic, most of it all, the company was fantastically and absolutely fabulous! I had so much fun and laughters, I think my jaw almost dislocated. Not forgetting, it almost became a case of murder.

We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.

Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.

Staying right next to Hard Rock Cafe KL, we couldn't have missed a nice dinner there! A nice dinner it was..in fact, it was so good, we couldn't stand straight after dinner. The portions were so huge, the man was so insistent that they made a mistake with our order and decided to give us both the right order and the wrong order together!

I enjoyed myself thoroughly, it was a really good break, now I have one day to mentally prepare myself to get back to the work momentum, which I can't help but sigh. Next up's the BBQ and the chalet.

I'm a happy, happy girl!

We all have our past, right doings and wrong doings alike, they make us the person we are now. At least for me. I am the person I am, I think the way I think now, I behave the way I behave now, I believe what I believe now, cos of how my past has moulded me to become.

Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.

Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.

I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.

For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?

Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.

Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.

Before it slips my mind, congratulations my dear! I knew you could do it! Now you can buy us presents from all over the whole wide world! My girls make me beam with pride.

Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.

It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...

A fact staring straight right at my face, that I simply refuse to acknowledge, out of denial, out of despair.

When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.

I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.

It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.

The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.



Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...

We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"

This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.

Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.

My new lurve. My new bliss.








Meiji Strawberry Chocolates.

Create your own Friend Test here

A moment, like this.

"What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling, we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you, love has come here and now

A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh, I can't believe its happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender, I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming, but till I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love we share"

you.

The night your network was down, you left me a voice message. I love the way you say "Baby I love you", and I'm listening to it all I can before they delete it off.

The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.

Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.

Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.


I love you.

despair.

Came back to realise my dad wasn't home, a scene pretty much unseen, the only information my brother could feed me was that he went out to do something. How typical of him. I guessed something happened to her, what else could have got my dad to go out at that time?

She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.

Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.

Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.

PMS-ing

It has to be pms setting in, when tears roll uncontrollably at a song that means nothing and is of no relevance to you.

It must be.



Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.

There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.

A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.

I need sleeping pills now. Right now.

I'm afraid of going back there, back to where I was trying so hard to stay out. Karma it seems. Terrified in fact. I just want to close my eyes, and work on keeping my mind blank. It's going to take all I have inside of me, to do just that.

Then again, how much do I have left inside of me?

Rendered stupid.

I like it late at night when its all quiet. That's when I can really stop my tracks and digest everything, make sense out of everything. It's a pity that the night's so short. Perhaps, that's why my mind is doesn't stop when I sleep, I fall asleep before I round up my thoughts.







I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.







Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.







Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?







Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.







I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.







On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?







I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.

shut.

All too familiar for comfort
Flashing repetitions of a closed chapter
All too close, too much in parallel
The lines start to blur, to fade

The fence starts to creak
The eyes glowing and wide
So clear and unknowingly moist
The child prances, with a threatening grace

Shutting the light out
Bring in the darkness, with open arms
That thick cloak that protects
That wraps the child and hides

Pretend they aren't there
Soon the child will believe the subtle pretense
Just a matter of time and will
It's a cry for aid, beyond whim and control

Back to reality, my mind's back to normal. Seems like we've got the same problem Chriz. My mind is racing with thoughts I can't keep up with, I can't string them together to make sense out of them. I know I am tired, there's this physical and mental weariness buried deep inside somewhere that I know I can't rid. No biggie, haven't we all learnt that sleep can never be replenished? I haven't done anything today that justifies the chaos in my mind.

Difference is, I don't have a list of things I want to own before I turn 30.

People do change, whether it's for a reason, or otherwise, it's not too valid an excuse, or much less a reason for now. Disappointments have long been an understatement, a phase we've all gotten past. No longer do I see the need to cover your tracks with excuses, to cement the blind faith we had in you. Actions that proved us wrong, that what is hoped, isn't always what is truth.

The very thing I learnt today rendered me speechless. Stronger emotions would have bubbled up in the past, not now, not anymore. Somehow, along this path, disappointment has become a prerequisite, and it's all expected. Ironic.

Just letting it all happen, and taking it all in. I'd still be here, we'd still be here, it'll just be hopes and expectations absenting themselves.

Okay, the new show on television is creating havoc in my mind and churning the contents of my dinner out of my stomach. Good night. I need to find some knitting or gardening to do to ease my tormented mind.

Our escape, revived.

It's been a really good 3 days - a long overdue break. It felt totally like I was in a separate world, cut off from reality, the only focus is to relax and enjoy.

Rejuvenating, with my mind finally at peace. It's so much easier to fall asleep now, perhaps it helps that I've him beside me. The escape though shortlived, it's etched deep inside my mind, in a place so precious.

The laughters were great, though the jokes were on me, the TLC ever so welcomed, thanks my dear, hope you had as much fun as I did.

I'm starting my crawl uphill again.

3 days of leave, 3 days in paradise, 3 days of pure joy, 3 days... I'm more than contented. The icing on the cake.

What more can I ask for?

Being burnt out doesn't feel good. I'm so looking forward to being alive again. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass these days.

I seem to have lost control over my functionality. The days too short, the nights, even shorter.

Can time just stop?

Please just stop.