That's right, we chose them for a reason only we can see.
I chose you for many things others can't see, for many things loveable, for many things simple, for many things heartfelt, for many things only I feel, for many things I feel for, for many things I hurt for.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I stand true to it, and I cross my fingers and heart, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger too.
It's still a 24/7 passion.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
"A rubber band once stretched, will never regain its original proportions. Likewise for one's mind."
There are some things that can't be stretched. You can try. Just be prepared for the snap.
I often find myself telling others to be strong, that things will always find a way to work themselves right. That's what I constantly remind myself too. Even if they don't turn out right, I'll make sure it does, to the best of my abilities. Every single time I tell someone to be strong, I have to tell myself to be four times stronger. Only then, I can safely remind them to be strong, cos I can be sure that I am able to be there to catch anything that falls.
My memory is failing me, honestly. It's getting harder and harder for me to remember things. Not the short term memory loss like, after a while I'll recall it kind of memory failure. Instead, horrifyingly, it's like someone just went on a cleaning frenzy in my head. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't think right. But it's fine. I make do.
I try my best to start my day and everyone else's day around me positively. Brushing away any negative comments that come my way. It gets harder at times, especially when you're trying so hard to crawl out from under that insane amount of reports you have to send all over the world.
A lesson I learnt, or rather, something that I already know and I'm trying to drill into the thick skull of mine, is to never ever let my guard down.
I cannot ever catch myself thinking..."How nice, everything's all fine and dandy. Everyone around me is safe and happy." The next thing I know, something will, definitely, fall out of place and I cannot let that happen, especially to people I love.
Too many things have happened over the week to prove this point. I'm determined not to reach the point of being complacent and satisfied when everything goes on well.
I am my worst critic, I'm sorry.
Right now, I don't need anything else except 48 hours in a day. Or just let me fall.
There are some things that can't be stretched. You can try. Just be prepared for the snap.
I often find myself telling others to be strong, that things will always find a way to work themselves right. That's what I constantly remind myself too. Even if they don't turn out right, I'll make sure it does, to the best of my abilities. Every single time I tell someone to be strong, I have to tell myself to be four times stronger. Only then, I can safely remind them to be strong, cos I can be sure that I am able to be there to catch anything that falls.
My memory is failing me, honestly. It's getting harder and harder for me to remember things. Not the short term memory loss like, after a while I'll recall it kind of memory failure. Instead, horrifyingly, it's like someone just went on a cleaning frenzy in my head. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't think right. But it's fine. I make do.
I try my best to start my day and everyone else's day around me positively. Brushing away any negative comments that come my way. It gets harder at times, especially when you're trying so hard to crawl out from under that insane amount of reports you have to send all over the world.
A lesson I learnt, or rather, something that I already know and I'm trying to drill into the thick skull of mine, is to never ever let my guard down.
I cannot ever catch myself thinking..."How nice, everything's all fine and dandy. Everyone around me is safe and happy." The next thing I know, something will, definitely, fall out of place and I cannot let that happen, especially to people I love.
Too many things have happened over the week to prove this point. I'm determined not to reach the point of being complacent and satisfied when everything goes on well.
I am my worst critic, I'm sorry.
Right now, I don't need anything else except 48 hours in a day. Or just let me fall.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Grease.
I love musicals. Absolutely do. I loved Chicago. Then there was Phantom of the Opera. Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Of course, who could forget Blades, our very own Sandy aka dear Christina Tong Szee Chia.
I have one musical, my all-time favourite. I've caught it countless times, the songs still make me swoon, I still crave to watch it. Ignoring the comparison of John Travolta's fat image now to then, of course.
Grease.
With zero recollections who, how, where got me totally won over with this timeless classic, I just feel the sudden urge to get my hands on it.
I have one musical, my all-time favourite. I've caught it countless times, the songs still make me swoon, I still crave to watch it. Ignoring the comparison of John Travolta's fat image now to then, of course.
Grease.
With zero recollections who, how, where got me totally won over with this timeless classic, I just feel the sudden urge to get my hands on it.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
There are some things said that can never be unsaid, whether you mean it a not, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just doesn't work that way.
Like the time...
She said I stole $5 from her.
She said I was going out to seduce men.
She said I was out gallivanting.
He said he agreed with me and that I was right, but I've to listen to her solely cos she's who she is.
Or the many times she implied I depended on men for money.
She said I was dumb.
She said she doesn't trust me.
Albeit history, these words flash past my eyes every single time I see her. The countless times that she said she don't mean it the way she said doesn't make a least bit difference. What's said cannot be unsaid.
New phrases of such can be said, they no longer hurt as much. When put together, the words actually have a numbing effect. It doesn't change things, it just makes me immune and oblivious to the harsh, insulting attacks.
It's like, how I accidentally lunged my thumb into a pot of hot boiling oil while cooking some years back. Possibly more than a decade ago. It doesn't put me off cooking, but it hurt so bad, I'll never forget. It did take a quite some time for me to start using that pot again.
I don't forget. I simply get over the hurting.
Like the time...
She said I stole $5 from her.
She said I was going out to seduce men.
She said I was out gallivanting.
He said he agreed with me and that I was right, but I've to listen to her solely cos she's who she is.
Or the many times she implied I depended on men for money.
She said I was dumb.
She said she doesn't trust me.
Albeit history, these words flash past my eyes every single time I see her. The countless times that she said she don't mean it the way she said doesn't make a least bit difference. What's said cannot be unsaid.
New phrases of such can be said, they no longer hurt as much. When put together, the words actually have a numbing effect. It doesn't change things, it just makes me immune and oblivious to the harsh, insulting attacks.
It's like, how I accidentally lunged my thumb into a pot of hot boiling oil while cooking some years back. Possibly more than a decade ago. It doesn't put me off cooking, but it hurt so bad, I'll never forget. It did take a quite some time for me to start using that pot again.
I don't forget. I simply get over the hurting.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
When tear glands and all else fails, make the best out of every situation.
I'm not blessed with active tear glands. Even at the point when I really feel like it, it's hard for me to do so. Only to the point when certain limits are reached.
I don't know what to say, cos I'm over it. He's not, and I have no idea how long this will be. I'm reaching my wits end.
Somebody tell me what to do. Seriously. I have no freaking idea and its driving me insane. Every single thing I do, I get a hurting comment. When I say it hurts, it really does and I do not like being treated like that.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
I'm not blessed with active tear glands. Even at the point when I really feel like it, it's hard for me to do so. Only to the point when certain limits are reached.
I don't know what to say, cos I'm over it. He's not, and I have no idea how long this will be. I'm reaching my wits end.
Somebody tell me what to do. Seriously. I have no freaking idea and its driving me insane. Every single thing I do, I get a hurting comment. When I say it hurts, it really does and I do not like being treated like that.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Our very first trip.
KL couldn't have been finer. The shopping wasn't too great, the food's fantastic, most of it all, the company was fantastically and absolutely fabulous! I had so much fun and laughters, I think my jaw almost dislocated. Not forgetting, it almost became a case of murder.
We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.
Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.
We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.
Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.
Staying right next to Hard Rock Cafe KL, we couldn't have missed a nice dinner there! A nice dinner it was..in fact, it was so good, we couldn't stand straight after dinner. The portions were so huge, the man was so insistent that they made a mistake with our order and decided to give us both the right order and the wrong order together!
I enjoyed myself thoroughly, it was a really good break, now I have one day to mentally prepare myself to get back to the work momentum, which I can't help but sigh. Next up's the BBQ and the chalet.
I'm a happy, happy girl!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
We all have our past, right doings and wrong doings alike, they make us the person we are now. At least for me. I am the person I am, I think the way I think now, I behave the way I behave now, I believe what I believe now, cos of how my past has moulded me to become.
Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.
Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.
I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.
For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?
Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.
Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.
Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.
Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.
I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.
For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?
Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.
Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Before it slips my mind, congratulations my dear! I knew you could do it! Now you can buy us presents from all over the whole wide world! My girls make me beam with pride.
Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.
It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...
Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.
It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...
A fact staring straight right at my face, that I simply refuse to acknowledge, out of denial, out of despair.
When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.
I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.
It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.
The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.
I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.
When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.
I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.
It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.
The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.
I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...
We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.
Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...
We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big
~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"
This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.
Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big
~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"
This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.
Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
A moment, like this.
"What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling, we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you, love has come here and now
A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh, I can't believe its happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender, I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming, but till I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love we share"
you.
The night your network was down, you left me a voice message. I love the way you say "Baby I love you", and I'm listening to it all I can before they delete it off.
The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.
Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.
Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.
I love you.
The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.
Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.
Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.
I love you.
despair.
Came back to realise my dad wasn't home, a scene pretty much unseen, the only information my brother could feed me was that he went out to do something. How typical of him. I guessed something happened to her, what else could have got my dad to go out at that time?
She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.
Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.
Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.
She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.
Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.
Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
PMS-ing
It has to be pms setting in, when tears roll uncontrollably at a song that means nothing and is of no relevance to you.
It must be.
Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.
There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.
A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.
It must be.
Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.
There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.
A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.
Monday, June 25, 2007
I need sleeping pills now. Right now.
I'm afraid of going back there, back to where I was trying so hard to stay out. Karma it seems. Terrified in fact. I just want to close my eyes, and work on keeping my mind blank. It's going to take all I have inside of me, to do just that.
Then again, how much do I have left inside of me?
I'm afraid of going back there, back to where I was trying so hard to stay out. Karma it seems. Terrified in fact. I just want to close my eyes, and work on keeping my mind blank. It's going to take all I have inside of me, to do just that.
Then again, how much do I have left inside of me?
Rendered stupid.
I like it late at night when its all quiet. That's when I can really stop my tracks and digest everything, make sense out of everything. It's a pity that the night's so short. Perhaps, that's why my mind is doesn't stop when I sleep, I fall asleep before I round up my thoughts.
I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.
Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.
Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?
Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.
I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.
On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?
I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.
I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.
Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.
Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?
Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.
I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.
On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?
I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
shut.
All too familiar for comfort
Flashing repetitions of a closed chapter
All too close, too much in parallel
The lines start to blur, to fade
The fence starts to creak
The eyes glowing and wide
So clear and unknowingly moist
The child prances, with a threatening grace
Shutting the light out
Bring in the darkness, with open arms
That thick cloak that protects
That wraps the child and hides
Pretend they aren't there
Soon the child will believe the subtle pretense
Just a matter of time and will
It's a cry for aid, beyond whim and control
Flashing repetitions of a closed chapter
All too close, too much in parallel
The lines start to blur, to fade
The fence starts to creak
The eyes glowing and wide
So clear and unknowingly moist
The child prances, with a threatening grace
Shutting the light out
Bring in the darkness, with open arms
That thick cloak that protects
That wraps the child and hides
Pretend they aren't there
Soon the child will believe the subtle pretense
Just a matter of time and will
It's a cry for aid, beyond whim and control
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