19.11.2007

It’s down to the split of the crossroads again.

Even my mind and heart is split into so many different directions – one part of me simply wants to throw in the towel and take a break before saying hi again to the hustle and bustle of the business politics once again.

The other part is a non-stop flashing reminder that there’s not much time left for the job hunt so as to keep my finances in a steady flow.

It’s down to the point of the year, or rather, one of the many points of the year when I am drained mentally. This verge of mental breakdown is happening more and more frequently – the feeling of being entirely squeezed dry.

Before I started school, I was very sure I could handle it.

I am still surviving every semester, still managing a couple of distinctions (read: a COUPLE), but it seems like school’s never going to end. I started in August 2006 and most likely, it’ll stretch till end 2008 – approximately 2 years to get a degree isn’t too bad I guess, though I’d like and want it to end soon.

Not only will it put a stop to the financial woes, I’ll have more time to myself, more time for me to do other stuff.

I don’t have any regrets doing this degree, and I will definitely complete it no matter what it takes, or how long it takes. It’s a personal goal, it’s a commitment I set myself to, and I’m not going to let it pull me down.

Yet, it is affecting me. My memory is dwindling with my mind cramped with so much stuff. My sleep is occupied with thoughts of work, and I feel like I haven’t slept in years.

I’m fat – I attribute that to lack of sleep and the need for food to assist the overworking of the brain, it doesn’t help much that I belong to a carnivorous department that practically eats 5 meals a day, this also attributes to my sudden reduction in wallet size.

To go to class at least twice a week to get mindraped after work simply isn’t a pleasant sight. How many times have my classmates commented I look really tired and stressed? Countless. Having said that, there has also been too many times I’ve dropped the idea of going to class just cos I was either too mentally tired to go there and attempt to absorb any more of those theories and what’s not, or I was simply too physically exhausted traveling up and down half of Singapore.

I’ve been feeling like I can’t give my best to both work and school and it’s putting me in a dilemma – to continue in a full time job and part time studies, like what I’m doing now, a job that’s more fulfilling, or get a monotonous, literally 9 – 6, leave on the dot kind of job where I can put in less energy in work and put more into my school and myself.

Frankly, I don’t want to miss out on the practical job experience, especially in such an industry where experience counts for so much more. But in exchange for that, I’d have to sacrifice my school and sleep time.

I haven’t had the energy to sit down and watch a television program, or read a book in ages.

At the same time, give me a monotonous data entry job and 3 months down the line, I’ll probably bore myself to death.

I don’t like the feeling of not being able to perform to what I know I can do. I know I can do much more than what I am doing now, both at work and in school, I just don’t have the energy to do more.

I still want to hit the goal we set that was supposed to be reached when I hit 25, even if it seems really far off now.

I still want to do what I’ve set out to do.

No doubt, I am contented. For the chances I’ve got, thankful for everything so far. It’s just these nitty gritty stuff that accumulates into an avalanche that’s swallowing me whole right now.

I don’t think I ask for much, just a nice stable yet interesting job, with nice colleagues, a nice paycheck that gives me the ability to spend comfortably, a place I spend most of days where I wouldn’t dread going to everyday, a desk where I can happily decorate the way I want it, without having to stop and think if I’ll be there for long.

Perhaps, like how Ling says, “还没尝到甜味，就先苦死”

Nonetheless, it is an uphill battle, and it is MY battle. I may just die in the process, most likely not, but I may just drive myself insane.

Right now, at this very moment, while grumbling about all these in the office at 7 pm with 1.5 hours OT time, all I feel like doing is go to my baby, give him a big hug for the great work he’s done, snuggle up and watch some funny comedy, laugh my head off and fall asleep in his arms, without having to worry about me or him having to wake up for work on time tomorrow.

It’s been said it’ll be a good year for those born in the year of the Ox in 2008.

I wish.

I've gotten so used to rolling stuff about in my head until I feel like my head weighs 84641354 kg and it's gonna drop off any time soon, I don't know how to write down my thoughts anymore.

With a thousand and one things running through my head, the old me would have ranted on and on, be it the old school pen and paper way, or just tapping on the keyboard just the way I am. I've been staring at the screen for half an hour now, trying to consolidate the runaway pieces of thoughts, but, it's about as messed up as my room is now.

Same old stuff, same old laments, just different day, different impact.

I'll hold my peace, for now, till then. It is all still getting to me, drilling slowly but surely into my head, I just pretend.

My little piece of borrowed joy.

Since donkey years ago, I've always wanted a dog of my own. It's a way deeply buried wish which I know will not come true living in this house. But, it's well buried, so no worries. Just a pang of jealousy escapes every now and then, but I'm satisfied with some borrowed joy.

Utterly adorable, ain't he?

Yes, I'm still talking about the dog. :P

That's right, we chose them for a reason only we can see.

I chose you for many things others can't see, for many things loveable, for many things simple, for many things heartfelt, for many things only I feel, for many things I feel for, for many things I hurt for.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I stand true to it, and I cross my fingers and heart, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger too.


It's still a 24/7 passion.

"A rubber band once stretched, will never regain its original proportions. Likewise for one's mind."

There are some things that can't be stretched. You can try. Just be prepared for the snap.

I often find myself telling others to be strong, that things will always find a way to work themselves right. That's what I constantly remind myself too. Even if they don't turn out right, I'll make sure it does, to the best of my abilities. Every single time I tell someone to be strong, I have to tell myself to be four times stronger. Only then, I can safely remind them to be strong, cos I can be sure that I am able to be there to catch anything that falls.

My memory is failing me, honestly. It's getting harder and harder for me to remember things. Not the short term memory loss like, after a while I'll recall it kind of memory failure. Instead, horrifyingly, it's like someone just went on a cleaning frenzy in my head. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't think right. But it's fine. I make do.

I try my best to start my day and everyone else's day around me positively. Brushing away any negative comments that come my way. It gets harder at times, especially when you're trying so hard to crawl out from under that insane amount of reports you have to send all over the world.

A lesson I learnt, or rather, something that I already know and I'm trying to drill into the thick skull of mine, is to never ever let my guard down.

I cannot ever catch myself thinking..."How nice, everything's all fine and dandy. Everyone around me is safe and happy." The next thing I know, something will, definitely, fall out of place and I cannot let that happen, especially to people I love.

Too many things have happened over the week to prove this point. I'm determined not to reach the point of being complacent and satisfied when everything goes on well.

I am my worst critic, I'm sorry.

Right now, I don't need anything else except 48 hours in a day. Or just let me fall.

Grease.

I love musicals. Absolutely do. I loved Chicago. Then there was Phantom of the Opera. Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Of course, who could forget Blades, our very own Sandy aka dear Christina Tong Szee Chia.

I have one musical, my all-time favourite. I've caught it countless times, the songs still make me swoon, I still crave to watch it. Ignoring the comparison of John Travolta's fat image now to then, of course.


Grease.


With zero recollections who, how, where got me totally won over with this timeless classic, I just feel the sudden urge to get my hands on it.

There are some things said that can never be unsaid, whether you mean it a not, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just doesn't work that way.

Like the time...

She said I stole $5 from her.

She said I was going out to seduce men.

She said I was out gallivanting.

He said he agreed with me and that I was right, but I've to listen to her solely cos she's who she is.

Or the many times she implied I depended on men for money.

She said I was dumb.

She said she doesn't trust me.

Albeit history, these words flash past my eyes every single time I see her. The countless times that she said she don't mean it the way she said doesn't make a least bit difference. What's said cannot be unsaid.

New phrases of such can be said, they no longer hurt as much. When put together, the words actually have a numbing effect. It doesn't change things, it just makes me immune and oblivious to the harsh, insulting attacks.

It's like, how I accidentally lunged my thumb into a pot of hot boiling oil while cooking some years back. Possibly more than a decade ago. It doesn't put me off cooking, but it hurt so bad, I'll never forget. It did take a quite some time for me to start using that pot again.

I don't forget. I simply get over the hurting.

When tear glands and all else fails, make the best out of every situation.

I'm not blessed with active tear glands. Even at the point when I really feel like it, it's hard for me to do so. Only to the point when certain limits are reached.

I don't know what to say, cos I'm over it. He's not, and I have no idea how long this will be. I'm reaching my wits end.

Somebody tell me what to do. Seriously. I have no freaking idea and its driving me insane. Every single thing I do, I get a hurting comment. When I say it hurts, it really does and I do not like being treated like that.

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Our very first trip.

KL couldn't have been finer. The shopping wasn't too great, the food's fantastic, most of it all, the company was fantastically and absolutely fabulous! I had so much fun and laughters, I think my jaw almost dislocated. Not forgetting, it almost became a case of murder.

We didn't have much opportunities to go many places, mainly because it takes forever to be done walking in 1 shopping centre! The retracing of our steps just to find that one single shop took us literally half the day, it was finding the oasis in the desert.

Shopping with the alibabas became subjects of our nonsensical jokes, likewise for the many mannequins ridiculously posed. Regardless, our aim of the trip was accomplished. We practically drowned ourselves in A&W rootbeer floats! Not forgetting the teenie weenie little souvenirs we brought back, our loot.

Staying right next to Hard Rock Cafe KL, we couldn't have missed a nice dinner there! A nice dinner it was..in fact, it was so good, we couldn't stand straight after dinner. The portions were so huge, the man was so insistent that they made a mistake with our order and decided to give us both the right order and the wrong order together!

I enjoyed myself thoroughly, it was a really good break, now I have one day to mentally prepare myself to get back to the work momentum, which I can't help but sigh. Next up's the BBQ and the chalet.

I'm a happy, happy girl!

We all have our past, right doings and wrong doings alike, they make us the person we are now. At least for me. I am the person I am, I think the way I think now, I behave the way I behave now, I believe what I believe now, cos of how my past has moulded me to become.

Not entirely, no doubt reasonably.

Many chapters have been closed behind me, but they are not forgotten. Not cos I hang on to a barely there thread of significance. These incidents, or events serve as reminders, reminders not to thread where I'm not supposed to go, not to be what I used to be.

I'm not the kind of person, who cleans up every single thing in my life adhering to that chapter once it closes. I keep stuff. I keep stuff from years ago, my letters to my friends, my letters to my crushes, past conversations, photos, so on and so forth. They don't have a significant physical presence or whatsoever, but it's nice to take them out once in a blue moon, laugh at the silly stuff I used to do, grimace and squirm in agony of what I did, or didn't do, then close everything, tell myself what's to be done, what's not to be done.

For now, KL's just a couple of hours away, I am really excited, just not too thrilled about the packing. Can I abracadabra everything into my bag? This trip has taken way too long to knock on my doorstep, now it feels funny now that it's right in front of me. Did I get the dates wrong? Did I forget to do something? Is there something I should have done?

Let me soak in the excitement and anxiety of the next few hours before we meet. I daren't even go to bed in fear of oversleeping. I'll just spend the next couple of hours slowly packing, then head out early, so I won't be late. I hope.

Alright, I won't be late. I promise. I'll even go get breakfast. I think.

Before it slips my mind, congratulations my dear! I knew you could do it! Now you can buy us presents from all over the whole wide world! My girls make me beam with pride.

Lovely ladies we've all become, Mano will be so proud of us too...let's all go out for a celebration.

It just came across my mind that night, that Chriz, is my second longest friend, 12 years! First of course being Juan. And yes, Chriz, I won't miss Dim Sum Dollies next year, at least, I'll try my absolute best! Promise...

A fact staring straight right at my face, that I simply refuse to acknowledge, out of denial, out of despair.

When years of bonds break up like twigs under one's feet, one can't help but look helplessly at the many cracks of this beautiful and near perfect picture, we all used to hold so dear.

I am sad, but its no longer overwhelming. It's a slow, steady pulse that's constantly throbbing, some moments hurt more than others, but I guess, like anything else we face, we get used to it.

It feels like I'm watching a movie marathon, one of which casts people I hold so close to my heart, yet so foreign, like watching them act in a play. The feeling of familiarity, yet, it's not them you feel.

The feeling has never changed, every single one still so dear, so precious, wherever you are, whatever you do, however we have become.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and most of all, I wish you happiness and contentment.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.



Regardless expecting it to happen, it's still pretty hard to digest the fact that you're....gone. At the very least, finally, you're no longer in pain, no longer hurting...

We'll all be fine, rest assured......goodbye grandma, ma ma as we always called you.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts "My Wish"

This, to all my lurves. No matter where you are, what you're doing, what you're facing now. I'm here.

Leaves me thinking....can we always forgive and never regret, and give more than we take? Something to ponder, something to ask yourself, but one thing's for sure, I do hope you know somebody loves you.

My new lurve. My new bliss.








Meiji Strawberry Chocolates.

Create your own Friend Test here

A moment, like this.

"What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling, we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you, love has come here and now

A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh, I can't believe its happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender, I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming, but till I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love we share"

you.

The night your network was down, you left me a voice message. I love the way you say "Baby I love you", and I'm listening to it all I can before they delete it off.

The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.

Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.

Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.


I love you.

despair.

Came back to realise my dad wasn't home, a scene pretty much unseen, the only information my brother could feed me was that he went out to do something. How typical of him. I guessed something happened to her, what else could have got my dad to go out at that time?

She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.

Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.

Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.

PMS-ing

It has to be pms setting in, when tears roll uncontrollably at a song that means nothing and is of no relevance to you.

It must be.



Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.

There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.

A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.