joke's over. the end.

i walk around alone pretty much these days. gives me lots of chances to think. think about what happened, what has yet to happen, what should have happened but did not...

a small retreat alone makes a difference. its like taking a step back from things to see it in a larger picture. does it all mean anything?

i was a joke, maybe i still am. i'm gonna try my best to change that.

think...
laugh...
learn...
move on.

no one waits for people to wake up and get moving. in fact, no one waits. they just move further and further away from you.

small doses of these makes you drowsy

maybe its only at the very end...till we really start seeing what was at the beginning...

sudden brush with death

i think i shall faithfully go early to my grandparents' place this saturday. maybe what happened was a warning to me, or maybe it was a coincidence. but it hit me real hard. right smack where it hurt the most.

sometimes its such things that make me stop and think. why am i putting so much importance in the things which do not require much attention, yet taking for granted stuff that are important to me.

i dont want people i love to die. please dont.

tears dont flow and i wonder why

i hate interviews. i hate people asking me to describe myself. how on earth do you expect me to answer that?! i hate this part where i'm neither here nor there. oh. i'm somewhere. i'm unemployed.

everything's a blur now. everyday all i do is look at job ads, job ads, classified ads, MORE job ads, MORE classified ads, send resumes, send emails, send EVEN MORE resumes. thats all. feel like taking a longer break before i start work. go for a holiday, enjoy myself, have a clear mind before moving on to the working world. the thing is, if i dont look for a job now, i dont know how long i'll take to get a job. what if. just what if. choy choy choy. i dont get a job for months. i'll be living on bread and maggie mee everyday. i'll rot and die of extreme flour poisoning. and BALD. goodness!

it used to be me working among my poly mates. the only one. now, i'm the only unemployed creature around. i'm gonna get a job. though i dont feel like working in a big company, i like small and cosy offices. i shant be choosy for now. i dont have the qualities to be choosy.

i miss studying. or rather. i miss knowing that for the next couple of years, i dont have to worry about having a job, having a route in life. it used to feel like "i still have 2 more years to worry about getting a job. think so much for what?". now its different. i feel old. can i not grow up?

interview's next week. i guess i'll have to put aside such thoughts. no use crying over the past. i mean since my life's moving on and time doesnt wait, i have to move on with it to right? i cant stay here sitting around missing old times and thinking about what i USED to do. i've got to think ahead, grow up to suit and adapt to stuff around me.

i admit i procrastinate. though i hate it when people pressurise and push me into things, i appreciate their intentions. sometimes i just need a push. sorry my dearest people around me. sorry for snapping.

12th June 2005

i never thought i'll leave this place before everyone else. i thought i'd see it close, help to close it like how i helped open it. it turned out otherwise.

as i left i kept telling myself. i made the right decision. i cant hold on to something that wont be there for long. true, that place means a lot to me. it was the place i had so much fun with my friends, where we would laugh till we teared. it was also the place i met my boyfriend. the place i learnt so much from. but one cant hold on to these sentiments and live like there's no tomorrow. soulfood isnt going to last past one month. and i got a whole lot more to think and worry about.

i hope you understand. i do want to stay and help out as much as i can. but things are getting harder. its getting harder for me to drag myself to work, to look forward to whatever the day is going to bring me. it has become a routine. a routine i dread and cant wait to leave behind.

like what i said, i dont want work to contribute or a cause of our fights. its not worth it. work is work and i wont bring it out of where it should be. i'm tired of things going on there. tired of the vicious cycles that happen and happen again. i need a break. i need to have time to think for myself. i need time to think about what i want and what i'm going to do. i want you to be the friends i turn to outside work, where i can grumble and complain about work, and not having to worry that whether what i say will affect us at work.

it isnt really a great day like what i originally thought. it was harder to leave than i thought and expected. but, there is still a sense of relief. i still feel pangs of regret here and there. i still wonder whether i made the right decision. whats done is done. i've quit. now i feel lost. i dont know what i'm going to do tomorrow.

i'm officially unemployed.