I want it from you.

finally he's leaving the job, at least planning to.

For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.

Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.

Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.

I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.

I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.

Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.

I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.

Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.

As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.

Its a feeling I can't explain. But it's a warm and fuzzy feeling.

i realised.

how you can learn your own faults through others' values.

how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.

how you can mean so much to a person.

how much a person can mean to you.

how quality of time counts and not quantity.

how simple words can make a person's day.

how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.

a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.

its just to say the right things at the suitable times.

dashes of sugar

i feel neglected.

i feel sad.

i feel horrible.

i start detaching myself.

then you make me fall in love with you all over again.

i didnt see that side to this.

if that's going to let him feel better, just let it go. since that person can help him when i cant, why dwell in it so much. its just going to make things worse than before.

let it be, shall you?

maybe you should go back to that person. that person can help you in more ways than i can. that person can make your life better. that person is so much more well-equipped to do so.

unlike me.

for your own good. maybe for that person too. maybe you have been deluding yourself. maybe so has that person been.

maybe i should go back to where i came from.

when everything seems to be in place, something seems to be missing. a void. some hollow place somewhere, neglected.

i miss Christopher. i miss his healing massages. the kind that seem to reach the inside of your heart and tell me everything's gonna be fine. not that things aren't fine. they just aren't not fine. in fact i think he went missing. must be burying himself in his tutorials. AGAIN.

some things become scarier the more you think about it, though it may not be happening in the near future, yet, it starts to haunt you.

i think i'll go back to studying next year. if all goes well. part-time. i cant afford to not work. i dont have people feeding me.

bewildered.

i suppose its naive and too much of me to expect things to go back to how they were. as true as these words are, what's done cannot be undone. i've forgotten how it started, what happened. all i remember is the end, which leaves me bewildered.

i remember swiss times. i remember breko times. i remember the new year's eve we had. i feel like laughing.

i remember so many things. so many many things it swirling in my head.

i think i shall pop by xue er's shop on sunday. i miss her so much all of a sudden.