I'm no angel.

I'd still like for a shoulder to fall asleep on.
I'd still like for a hand to hold on to.
I'd still like for a comforting hug that makes everything right.
I'd still like for a smile that makes all the pain worth it.

Just not now.

Unless, he can carry my board bag for me.
Unless, he can fine tune my Energizer alter-ego with me.
Unless, he can share my joys and my woes.
Unless, he can piggy back me when I fall and twist my ankle.
Unless, he can make me smile right from the bottom of my heart.

I am happier now, as they say.

I'm leading a life now that I can't leave behind. Matters of the heart likened to an extreme sport, this emotional turmoil is more than I can take. My heart speaks in breathless whispers and inteferred by noise.

Random thoughts do pass through once in a while, but I'm not bothered by them. No doubt there were footprints left behind. They have faded, washed away by the tides, left with only an inkling of what had happened.

Perhaps, they were 2 separate souls in separate corners of this winter wonderland with their paths coincidently crossing. Now the snow has melted, the icebergs gone.

The sun has come up and it's time to go home.

Miracles only happen in dreams, not even in mine.

Things are getting way too complicated, venturing into areas that light should not reach. The world's a tiny place, and its round. I know it all, nonetheless, the affection is just overwhelming.

I thrive on affection, it seems.

Dancing in the grey areas, prancing in the dark. The right is wrong, and the wrong seems right. Living in this confusion of beliefs, you'll know it better than I do. Ignorance may be bliss, persistance may not triumph, perhaps, it's time, for selfishness to step in, or it already has.

Seeking the answer from within, to purge on or to hold my stand. Things will never get simpler, weaving in and out, into one dead knot.

It is nice to have someone sending you to work, messages or calls throughout the day to make sure you're going on fine, that you've eaten, or if you need a ride home, to watch movies with, to have a arm you can grab on to in case of emergency, to have someone sending you to the stars, to have someone to message "good night and sweetest dreams" to, to have someone missing you....

Yet, it is sad to know that it's your heart they can't touch and there's a reason why people stay where they are.

When taking a step forward isn't an option, neither is retreating, staying put seems like the most logical thing to do. Though, it may start to seem like an excuse to take the initiative out of your hands, knowing that budging even just a little can make a whole lot of difference, to a square in this game that means nothing, reaps in nothing, loses nothing, it's just plain meaningless.

I could call it quits, but who's to guarantee, that things won't make a turn for the worst after?

I could take it a notch up, but who's to tell me, that's truly the best for myself?

No one's seeking that answer to that fateful question, events could remain hidden, knowing and understanding, could hull one deeper into the equation. There is no answer. Likewise, speak of no questions. Don't ask, don't speak, don't question, don't doubt, don't expect, don't assume.

When stories aren't told, it doesn't mean they aren't happening. Even with stories narrated, it may not mean they are real. Fiction, or truth? Or perhaps, lies....

It's not about you, or me, or us, or them. It's about the many little screws that keep the whole chair up.

Clouded concentrations

Something hit me while I was in the midst of preparing for work today.

Something my mother said some time ago.

"Men and women can never be equal, no matter how you want it to be."

I dwelled in it awhile, rolled the idea through my mind a couple of times. Pushed myself back to the time when we were discussing this. It didn't sink in as much then, it was simply brushed off like lint on velvet. When it hit me this morning, I started to see light on it.

It's true that men and women can never be equal.

We're not meant to be so in the first place. Undeniable, men and women can do fine on their own once in a while. But its the instincts and natural tendency that push us out of our shells to be in touch with the opposite gender to seek that shoulder to lean on, and that warm comforting hug.

Men and women to me, are interdependent and complementary. That's what we are all seeking, aren't we? That someone to provide for ourselves what we can't do so on our own. With every partner we connect with, we are all finding answers and clarifications to what we want and what we're trying to fulfill. If we're meant to be equal, we could have simply be made the same.

This lifetime game of hide and seek doesn't seem to justify the notion.

Would the world be a nicer place to live in if we're all made equal? Perhaps, but I beg to differ. The differences should be celebrated and not forcefully matched, not a desperate act of bringing the distance closer. Nonetheless, we are not looking for equality. But to be treated with respect. Through respect, it opens more doors for one to share ideas and thoughts with. The constant mindset of inequality clouding one's vision may result in shutting out areas which could bring that distance so much closer.

It is a give and take situation. We all take from the opposite gender what we don't have and give what we have. That's how we start to rely on each other and build that bond by sharing. I've always believed that the more you give, the more you get. It may not always be instantaneous, but results will show one day.

There's a reason why the world is round and love is a transaction, so as to speak. We market our strengths to obtain what we want. We bank on what we can offer, to get what we don't. Look beyond that person, so different yet so alike of you as an individual. Appreciate that individual's worthiness, cherish that individual's strengths, most importantly, step into that individual's skin once in awhile, to view the world through their eyes.

What are you looking for? Someone for you to love and cherish, someone who loves and cherishes you or simply someone who fits the bill?

An excerpt of what Errol once preached, "Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a noble thing, that no poor human can ever meet our vision. "

It may not be about love all the time, but deep down inside, about satisfying needs and wants.

Feel the rush

Feel the rush of guilt and anxiety, as the stranger locks gazes with you, a sense of unrecognition. You know something that he doesn't. Something that the dearest person of his did. Your gaze drops, and starts do dart around, searching the room for something, anything that seemingly is far more interesting, mentally urging your friends for support.

Heaving a sigh of relief as he moves away, into his familiarity. You turn away, put on that smile, and tell yourself everything will be fine.

Staring at him, whilst running through everything that was said in the head of yours, attempting to tie the tales with this display of facts right before you.

The step out of that self-confining cell proved to be right. Circumstances now does not allow the plot to unfold. In time to come, all shall be forgotten.

Boundaries were teased, limits were nudged, living on the edge may not always be the white area.