I feel perturbed.

It really is an odd feeling, one of being in the middle of being relieved, and disturbed at the same time. I take pride in giving my best in almost every single relationship I've had, save for the one mistake that never should have begun. I believe that's the way to go, what's the point in holding back and treating the relationship like a strategic game, one in which I've never been good at anyway.

Relationships to me are meant to be.....a sheltered playground. A place or even, a comfort zone if you like, that I can go to when I'm feeling happy or sad. It's a emotional and mental destination, it's an assurance that things are fine, it's a arm to hold on to in a crowd of strangers. It's a hug in a storm, and a ray of sunshine on a freezing morning, all in one. It can be so bitter at times, but it's still ironically addictive, and the only other thing that keeps you sane and insane.

Peel away this layer of dreamy fantasy, I do know that's not how relationships always are. In between each hug, each kiss, each smile, there's a tear-jerking moment, many doubts, a handful of fights peppering the journey. It's also a race and a battle to hold on to our true selves, keeping the simple belief and faith of love amidst the practical burdens we bind ourselves to.

It's been..... quite a ride. 

Things have changed, like we all expect it to, the only constant that will remain. Gone are the silly grins and countless messages. The relationship has set in, so has the obstacles and all. I am still in love but yes, I have my doubts too. Perhaps, being too supportive and caring, can be a flaw and a burden on someone.

Like I've said, and stand true to it, I don't need my guy try his best to keep things the way they were. He should only feel bad if he hasn't put in effort at all. With thoughts racing through my mind faster than I can consolidate and type, I seem to begin to falter.

I need a sign, or rather, I need the assurance.