Our escape, revived.

It's been a really good 3 days - a long overdue break. It felt totally like I was in a separate world, cut off from reality, the only focus is to relax and enjoy.

Rejuvenating, with my mind finally at peace. It's so much easier to fall asleep now, perhaps it helps that I've him beside me. The escape though shortlived, it's etched deep inside my mind, in a place so precious.

The laughters were great, though the jokes were on me, the TLC ever so welcomed, thanks my dear, hope you had as much fun as I did.

I'm starting my crawl uphill again.

3 days of leave, 3 days in paradise, 3 days of pure joy, 3 days... I'm more than contented. The icing on the cake.

What more can I ask for?

Being burnt out doesn't feel good. I'm so looking forward to being alive again. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass these days.

I seem to have lost control over my functionality. The days too short, the nights, even shorter.

Can time just stop?

Please just stop.

I realised my dreams these days consists mainly of activities that I've been wanting to do, yet I simply don't have the time to go about doing.

My wakeboarding getaways..

My aimless walks....

My shopping sprees...

My chillout sessions....

My studying...

Something just isn't right. Not to mention the many horrible dreams. My mind is just overworked, as usual. I'm in the process of frying my own brains. One fine day, my brain might just sizzle and give up on me.

I need to free up some space for my exam. Once it's done, I'll shut off my brain and let it rest.

My dad has a habit of telling me the worst news at the worst possible times. Like this morning, I was rushing like some mad woman all over the house, and he stopped me in my tracks just before I stepped into the shower.

"Be mentally prepared, she's going to go anytime soon."

I can't just simply shut him off and continue with what I was doing, yet I needed to rush. Hence, I had to stop there standing at the doorway of my bathroom, listening to what he had to say.

For the last couple of months, since last year, the frequency of visits to the hospital has been far from comfortable. In recent months, they became a monthly affair. We all know she's suffering, it doesn't help that she can't voice it out, or even hear anyone of us talking.

She's strong, very strong, having to bring up 7 children (a couple more I think, even my dad has never met) on her own, technically, cos my grandad was never around. As the story goes, she had to peel onions to earn the extra money, yada yada...

Her children have all grown up, some already grandparents, my cousin just gave birth the day before, what we can't fathom, is what she's holding on to. Ever since the countless admissions to the hospital, I've stopped trusting the doctors.

With the many medical complications she has now, she's barely hanging by a thread. There's nothing anyone can do, not even the doctors. We're all just simply waiting for that phonecall.

Although when the time comes, sadness will definitely be in the air, but more towards a huge sense of relief.

I'd miss you, trying so hard to talk to us at chinese new year gatherings, times when we can only smile and nod, not being able to answer, even after so many years.

Back to a much lighter topic, Saturday was Juan's birthday celebration at Chevrons.

I know I'm red, I went there from sentosa, I wasn't drunk! I'm really sorry I had to leave early though.

When reality doesn't appear, there's still a small bubble of hope that things has never really changed that much and we're all still what we were, only in different paths, different situations, but we're still all of what we used to be.

I can see it the way I like it to be, anticipate the moments, basically, if I don't think about it, time just stopped where it was all pretty and gleeful.

Now when reality hits and sets right in, the bubble has burst and it slaps me in the face twice as hard. It's never going to go back to how it was like.

I still love you, but somehow our paths are just moving further and further away. Maybe it's just me.

warm and fuzzy

I'm craving for that escape, so bad.

It's such a warm and fuzzy feeling when my friends and my guy's friends can all click and we can go out and chill together. Something I've always wanted, but never been able to establish. I love the feeling, loads.

Spent a couple of minutes looking through old photos with Ling, goodness me, we used to be sweet young things! I mean, yes definitely, without a doubt, we still are, but the difference is appalling.

As Evie's song used to go,
"I love you, you love me, we are happy family, I eat maggie you eat mee, together we eat maggie mee!"

It feels like I have a million rants, a thousand words, a hundred rambles, but I can only stare blankly at the screen. My mind feels all tangled, like the flow of thoughts aren't smooth anymore.

Thoughts come through in pieces, with the constant inability to consolidate and focus. Lamenting "I am tired" has become such an understatement, at this very moment. I feel stuffed, like I've been overfed with information, exactly how I feel after each media planning class. Mindraped, that's what we say, when the unconsensual act of forcing information into our brains is performed. The only difference, it's become a daily event now.

It's just work. Nonetheless, my job and my responsibility. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and suffocating.

It'll get better after today, when everything will be back under control, instead of being puppeted by the schedules of these journalists, media, and the oh so mighty people sitting in big chairs.

Soon, I'll be able to breathe normally again. I still need my break though, the one we've both been looking forward to, though it just seems to take forever to come, but, the mere anticipation of it will suffice for now, to keep me adrift.

I feel like an absolute whining bitch.

Thank you, for being patient and just for being there baby.

My runway, my guiding lights.

Friends to me, have been brought up to a whole new level after the termination of my past 2, or 3 relationships. They've meant the world to me, they still do, no doubt, and I've always tried my best to be there for every single one of them, in any way I could.

I'm talking about people who stood by me, stood by each other for so many years, we've seen each other go through the ups, the downs, the exhilarations, the agonizing, the anxieties, the worries, the uncertainties, the bliss, the list goes on and adds on every day.

We've stepped into different phases of life together, with more to come, every single one of us has changed in more ways than one. I'm so proud to call these girls, mine. Proud of the ladies we've all become, proud of the people we aspire to be, proud of what we've done to get us to what we are at this very moment.

A long and winding road still lies ahead, one that hopefully, we will walk down together. Witnessing the additions, we've lost a few, gained a few, when my girls are happy, I'm happy, and my mind can rest.

Events of late have left me in a state of imcomprehension. When friendship is put to test, does friendship or strictly speaking, the quest of one's love reign?

I shan't go into the topic of the quest of one's love, there's too much to cover, with no absolutes, just hypothetical questions and assumed scenarios. It encases too many boundaries, beliefs, principles and after all, it is still a very subjective mindset of every individual.

Opinions and advices of friends have always been of utmost appreciation to me, whether positive or negative. These are words of gold that only true friends will deliver, simply because they care. If they don't, why would they even be bothered with you?

This unmistakable act of concern however, is often misinterpreted and either fall on deaf ears, or brushed off. Having been on both sides of the fences of receiving and dishing out opinions and advices, this is one gesture of friendship that means loads to me.

Being on the giving end, I would want the very best for you as my friend, that's why I'd be telling or reminding you something I want you to know. I don't need that gesture to be reciprocated, good if it was appreciated, I'd just like for you to roll that idea in your head and judge for yourself what's applicable and what's good for you. It's ultimately your call, your road to take, you walk your own talk. Not me.

If it's of a certain significance, I may mention it more than once, and if I see that you don't find it an issue, I'll shut up. That's all to it.

On the other side of the fence, many a times, I don't see what others may see, I may be too involved in the minute details that I may overlook the whole picture and misjudge the whole situation. At such times, I need and appreciate if my friends point that out to me, or simply a word of mention to bring me back to the right path magnifies how much my friends care, and that I am still in their line of vision.

Close friends would know I appreciate and dig out their opinions and views very often on many different areas. I need my friends to keep me on the right track and likewise, I want to do the very same for them.

Undeniably, my words have been snubbed out, at times aplenty. There's only so much a friend can do, there's only so much I can do for my friends, there's only so much they can do for me. When it all comes down to it, I want each and every single one of them to be happy, in all aspects possible.

To a certain extent, I do feel partly responsible for what happened, things may be fine if I had just stepped out. Contradictory, I don't have any regrets of the actions as a whole, only the constant mental debate on whether the right moves were made, whether I could have handled the closure better.

Well, events have been more or less put into place, the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit in, as the bigger picture starts to show. When one person sees that you have a problem, it may be an indivdual biased opinion, when two or three, or more people identifies the same problem, please, wake up your ideas and do something about it. If you don't, stop blaming the whole world for it, except yourself.

You are responsible for yourself at this juncture, not your family, nor your friends. They are merely guiding lights on the runway, at the end of it, whether you take off, or crash nose first, it is you, and how much you are willing to do and clear headed to do, to ensure that final glory.

My magic carpet ride.

When everything is too good to be true, instead of enjoying the ride, taking in the sights, perhaps, simply loving the experience, one can't help but worry about losing the pure simplicity of the experience.

The beauty of it all seems to start weighing down and self doubt sets in, "What exactly did I do to deserve all this?"

A couple that laughs together and goes through storms together, stay together. The ride can never be too smooth sailing, neither can it be too choppy. All I want to do now, is to push the uncertainties, the insecurities, the worries, and all things negative back to the back of my mind and simply, to enjoy the whole magic carpet ride that belongs to us. No doubt, the negativities are still niggering, the practicalities still hovering, right now, the focus is on taking it all in.

I am happy, the 1000001th time I'm saying this, and I truly mean it. It feels like a motivational force pushing me from the back to want and do my best to iron the creases out, to cut through the clutter, to break through monotony, to make my world perfect, in our eyes. Not only is the outcome a key, the process is inviting and challenging too.

Definitely, who wouldn't wish that life was a bed of roses? A rose, by any other name would smell as sweet. I want mine to be a bed of calla lillies, one that we painstakingly grow ourselves, and be able to stand hand in hand to see it all bloom. (Figure of speech, people, I have zero idea how to plant a calla lilly. )

On second thoughts, life is a bed of roses, the journey from the bottom of it to the top of the gorgeous bloom. You just have to get through the thorns to get there. If this is the case, make the end of my journey, a black rose.

It's a ride I'm looking forward to, with all my heart, filled with eagerness, anxiety, enthusiasm, love, laughter, speckled with challenges that toughen us and bonds us further, dusted with lots of understanding, respect and trust.


This is what I call, my sweetest dreams are made of these. Right next to you, is where I really want to be.

It's been really good so far, the kind that sends tingles up my spine and down to my toes once again. Simple the way I've always been craving for, back to the bare necessities that we were born to seek satisfaction for.

A sense of belonging, a sense of assurance, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, a hug when needed, a smile and a peck on the lips and tons of cuddles, it's finally all settling in. A little fuzzy at times, a little scary, a little freaky, very much heartwarming, very much blissful and definitely lots of smiles and laughters.

Time is never on our side, a sigh that means so much. It's just a tiny obstacle, we'll leap over it, we'll manouver round it, however we go about it, it's really nothing significant.

Concerns have been ironed out, issues straightened out, worries a little overwhelming though.

As beautiful the days ahead seem, there's always a tiny dark corner inside, pleading to be forgotten. I just don't want history to repeat.

That's just a teenie weenie shadow somewhere. The sun is still really bright and sunny.

Exactly one year ago, I was struggling with a horrible break up, was totally down in the dumps, emotionally.

Exactly one year later, I'm happy, indescribable happy.

Sometimes you just have to hit the all time low, to bounce back up. A sudden reminder of what Jasmine said that one year ago, "You have to lose something in order to gain something."

I've gained so much more ever since then, I am my own person now, not emotionally dependent on someone who's not always there. Bringing these lessons learnt with me, its now a whole new experience and something I've never imagined possible.

It still hasn't sunk it entirely yet, its so real, yet so fuzzy, so natural, yet so restricted in more ways than one. But it's fine, really. It hasn't been long, but the duration doesn't constitute to knowing someone, does it?

It's been an amazing ride so far, and I do hope I complement you like how you do so for me.

I just can't stop smiling inside...

It's not easy when you hear someone say horrible, horrible things about you that ain't true.

But it's 10 times harder when you hear someone say really mean things about the people you love and care about.

The worst thing, you can't do anything about it. Nothing.

Every single thing said feels like a stab right through. It hurts so bad, so bad you wished it was all a dream, that you can turn back the clock to undo it all. When it really comes down to it, I know I'm much stronger than this.

I've been through worse, this is going to be over soon.

Words can't kill.

At times, when a relationship go downhill, is there a perfect timing to end it, or a perfect scenario, or a perfect mode of delivery to inflict the least amount of pain?

Unfortunately not.

In personality tests I did in the past, to the question "What would you do when you start to realise there's a problem in the relationship?", my answer would always be, stick it out and try to work it out.

That was before I was attached of course.

Now, I've come to realise, that there's never an absolute direction to head, or a definite route to follow. The destination is clear, but en route that, the angel and the devil in me fight it out. It's never easy, and no matter what, its an end to something I started, albeit the fact that it was a mistake, it was MY mistake and I let it happen.

It's something I have to do, for him and for myself. I don't blame him for whatever's coming or has come, no matter how things turn out in the end, whether we can still be friends, its no one's fault but mine, for letting a mistake happen.

Heartfelt words he'll never get to see or hear about, it probably doesn't matter cos I've become the worst in his eyes. But, if that makes him feel better, so be it.

I wish you love, and all things nice. You'll find that one person I never can become, and hopefully, she'll make you the best you can ever be. Like you said, "life goes on...", in your world and the one I call my own.

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

1. I do not eat egg yolks, I usually eat my way around them.


2. I like to go all the way to the airport just to find a corner to read. Yes, I live in Jurong.


3. I do not drink milk, I just can't stand the smell of it.


4. When I'm superly duperly stressed, I talk to myself, or in events like my computer is acting up on me in stressful situations, I talk to the PC.


5. I really love notebooks, all kinds. But if they're too pretty, I'd be too worried about ruining them.


6. I like flowers as they are, but I do not like receiving them. I have no idea why. Really.


7. I secretly wish to travel around the world alone.


8. Most would know that I often say I don't have a childhood. Few would know I really don't have one. I spent my days cooped up at home in front of the television, cos I couldn't go anywhere.


9. I cannot sleep without my blanket, and covered from neck to toe.


10. I can eat ice cream for breakfast.

You're tagged!

Elaine
Lynne
Maymay
Farena
Ling

Or anyone else for that matter! Have fun!

Angels or Devils?

I know I have blogged about this before, and yet, I'm still stuck in this maze that Fate has set out for me. We're all puppets of the master named Fate, no doubt. Nonetheless, do we bow to it, or challenge it in search of our own happiness?

When in doubt, does one step entirely out of the unbalanced equation, or to charge head first into a sea of uncertainty and insanity? I am confused, caught in this whirlwind that none of us in the equation has control over. With that, I can't help but question, do I still let things I have no control over happen as they come, or do I take it into my own hands, seeing the consequences, the only uncertainty belongs to a world of another?

That's right, this isn't suppose to happen. At least not in such a manner.

I miss you babe, but I'll leave you to fight your demons. Just let me know whenever you're ready, I'll be right beside you in no time.

Now....paid for tickets to Germany. Question is, to go, or not to go?

香水有毒 ~ 胡杨林


我曾经爱过这样一个男人 他说我是世上最美的女人
我为他保留着那一份天真关上爱别人的门
也是这个被我深爱的男人把我变成世上最笨的女人
他说的每句话我都会当真 他说最爱我的唇我的要求并不高
待我像从前一样好 可是有一天你说了同样的话把别人拥入怀抱
你身上有她的香水味 是我鼻子犯的罪不该嗅到她的美
檫掉一切陪你睡你身上有她的香水味
是你赐给的自卑

你要的爱太完美我永远都学不会