i dont like to be at home.

maybe its the lack of emotional belonging that i feel this way. the only time when i feel like being at home is when i know that i'm the only one and everyone is out and that i can do what i want to do. even at home i'm restricted. this lack of emotional belonging is a feeling i'm used to. since young, i've gotten used to the feeling of being more attached to other people, friends, neighbours etc, more than anyone else in the family.

home. home is just a noun. a noun i call a place i live in. it means nothing much actually. my mother is my mother. not a mum. i've never called her "my mum". it has been "my mother". like i've always envied others, when they are able to sit down and really talk to their mums. like have fun, joke, make fun of, cry, laugh with their mums. i've tried to talk to her. but too many times have i been shut out that i stopped trying. an attempt to talk to her, is equivalent to a greater attempt to interrogate me. interrogate in the sense as in "you did something wrong but you're not telling me." or "so, your friends did this, did you do it to?" it puts me off. totally. to the extent i no longer talk at home.

in recent times, i even stopped spending time at home. i've been going out since before daybreak till after the sun sets. basically i never see the sun. i feel better outside. its just the feeling of being out. leaving the house and locking the door behind me is a feelign of relief. a relief from a hated routine that has been supposedly cultivated in me.

words like "you better behave yourself outside", "you are old enough. so you should know what to do and what not to do", "remember. no alcohol. no smoking. no bla bla bla.", "you went drinking right?" etc. anyone would know i dont smoke. ANYONE. my mother makes me feel like i'm some cheap girl hanging outside. oh yes. one more. "girls dont stay out so late. girls should behave properly. its a dangerous world outside. so you should stay at home. are you out with a guy?" plus various attempts to hint to me that i should not be some slut and project some slutty image to guys.

i'm used to it really. though it still hurts from time to time. times when i really wished that i could have a better relationship with her. times that i see other people go out with their mums. times when i wish i could just stay at home and talk to her. times when i can tell her what nice stuff my bf did for me. times when i need to let off stress. times when i can just cry to her. but i'm really really used to it. these stuff just goes into a ear and comes out through the other. i'm well trained.

after 2 nights outside. i dont miss home at all. i dont even have the feeling of going back. i'm just going back cos i have to. not because i want to. to her, my house is my hotel. to me, its just a place i have to be in at the reported times.