My new lurve. My new bliss.








Meiji Strawberry Chocolates.

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A moment, like this.

"What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling, we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you, love has come here and now

A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh, I can't believe its happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

Everything changes but beauty remains
Something so tender, I can't explain
Well I may be dreaming, but till I awake
Can't we make this dream last forever
And I'll cherish all the love we share"

you.

The night your network was down, you left me a voice message. I love the way you say "Baby I love you", and I'm listening to it all I can before they delete it off.

The chalet experience is unforgettable, etched in my memories, only regret is it could have been longer.

Thanks for being there for me, through this time, even though I'm increasingly becoming a pain once again, I'm sorry, from the bottomest of my heart.

Thanks for everything baby, thanks for just being you and just being there.


I love you.

despair.

Came back to realise my dad wasn't home, a scene pretty much unseen, the only information my brother could feed me was that he went out to do something. How typical of him. I guessed something happened to her, what else could have got my dad to go out at that time?

She's in again, I wonder what the doctors will say, aren't they tired of saying the same old things again, when their words obviously don't display much accuracy, the only blatant issue is their incompetency.

Alright, I can't expect them to perform wonders, or miracles. My apologies. If it's now time to say goodbye, I will, but I can't bear to, in the oddest way of all.

Her condition's bad, how bad is bad, when her condition was already terrible to start with? Bullshit.

PMS-ing

It has to be pms setting in, when tears roll uncontrollably at a song that means nothing and is of no relevance to you.

It must be.



Cos all I feel right now..is just numbness. Somehow.

There are screams inside that's deafening me, but that's just me. I need a hug, but sometimes, it's all about standing on your own two feet and getting over yourself. No one ever said, much less guaranteed that getting there was easy.

A hug is still welcome, very much so. But for now, right now, it's just me, myself and I. A personal promise, a personal resolution, one that's never changed, is for things to work out well, no matter what.

I need sleeping pills now. Right now.

I'm afraid of going back there, back to where I was trying so hard to stay out. Karma it seems. Terrified in fact. I just want to close my eyes, and work on keeping my mind blank. It's going to take all I have inside of me, to do just that.

Then again, how much do I have left inside of me?

Rendered stupid.

I like it late at night when its all quiet. That's when I can really stop my tracks and digest everything, make sense out of everything. It's a pity that the night's so short. Perhaps, that's why my mind is doesn't stop when I sleep, I fall asleep before I round up my thoughts.







I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.







Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.







Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?







Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.







I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.







On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?







I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.

shut.

All too familiar for comfort
Flashing repetitions of a closed chapter
All too close, too much in parallel
The lines start to blur, to fade

The fence starts to creak
The eyes glowing and wide
So clear and unknowingly moist
The child prances, with a threatening grace

Shutting the light out
Bring in the darkness, with open arms
That thick cloak that protects
That wraps the child and hides

Pretend they aren't there
Soon the child will believe the subtle pretense
Just a matter of time and will
It's a cry for aid, beyond whim and control

Back to reality, my mind's back to normal. Seems like we've got the same problem Chriz. My mind is racing with thoughts I can't keep up with, I can't string them together to make sense out of them. I know I am tired, there's this physical and mental weariness buried deep inside somewhere that I know I can't rid. No biggie, haven't we all learnt that sleep can never be replenished? I haven't done anything today that justifies the chaos in my mind.

Difference is, I don't have a list of things I want to own before I turn 30.

People do change, whether it's for a reason, or otherwise, it's not too valid an excuse, or much less a reason for now. Disappointments have long been an understatement, a phase we've all gotten past. No longer do I see the need to cover your tracks with excuses, to cement the blind faith we had in you. Actions that proved us wrong, that what is hoped, isn't always what is truth.

The very thing I learnt today rendered me speechless. Stronger emotions would have bubbled up in the past, not now, not anymore. Somehow, along this path, disappointment has become a prerequisite, and it's all expected. Ironic.

Just letting it all happen, and taking it all in. I'd still be here, we'd still be here, it'll just be hopes and expectations absenting themselves.

Okay, the new show on television is creating havoc in my mind and churning the contents of my dinner out of my stomach. Good night. I need to find some knitting or gardening to do to ease my tormented mind.

Our escape, revived.

It's been a really good 3 days - a long overdue break. It felt totally like I was in a separate world, cut off from reality, the only focus is to relax and enjoy.

Rejuvenating, with my mind finally at peace. It's so much easier to fall asleep now, perhaps it helps that I've him beside me. The escape though shortlived, it's etched deep inside my mind, in a place so precious.

The laughters were great, though the jokes were on me, the TLC ever so welcomed, thanks my dear, hope you had as much fun as I did.

I'm starting my crawl uphill again.

3 days of leave, 3 days in paradise, 3 days of pure joy, 3 days... I'm more than contented. The icing on the cake.

What more can I ask for?

Being burnt out doesn't feel good. I'm so looking forward to being alive again. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass these days.

I seem to have lost control over my functionality. The days too short, the nights, even shorter.

Can time just stop?

Please just stop.

I realised my dreams these days consists mainly of activities that I've been wanting to do, yet I simply don't have the time to go about doing.

My wakeboarding getaways..

My aimless walks....

My shopping sprees...

My chillout sessions....

My studying...

Something just isn't right. Not to mention the many horrible dreams. My mind is just overworked, as usual. I'm in the process of frying my own brains. One fine day, my brain might just sizzle and give up on me.

I need to free up some space for my exam. Once it's done, I'll shut off my brain and let it rest.

My dad has a habit of telling me the worst news at the worst possible times. Like this morning, I was rushing like some mad woman all over the house, and he stopped me in my tracks just before I stepped into the shower.

"Be mentally prepared, she's going to go anytime soon."

I can't just simply shut him off and continue with what I was doing, yet I needed to rush. Hence, I had to stop there standing at the doorway of my bathroom, listening to what he had to say.

For the last couple of months, since last year, the frequency of visits to the hospital has been far from comfortable. In recent months, they became a monthly affair. We all know she's suffering, it doesn't help that she can't voice it out, or even hear anyone of us talking.

She's strong, very strong, having to bring up 7 children (a couple more I think, even my dad has never met) on her own, technically, cos my grandad was never around. As the story goes, she had to peel onions to earn the extra money, yada yada...

Her children have all grown up, some already grandparents, my cousin just gave birth the day before, what we can't fathom, is what she's holding on to. Ever since the countless admissions to the hospital, I've stopped trusting the doctors.

With the many medical complications she has now, she's barely hanging by a thread. There's nothing anyone can do, not even the doctors. We're all just simply waiting for that phonecall.

Although when the time comes, sadness will definitely be in the air, but more towards a huge sense of relief.

I'd miss you, trying so hard to talk to us at chinese new year gatherings, times when we can only smile and nod, not being able to answer, even after so many years.

Back to a much lighter topic, Saturday was Juan's birthday celebration at Chevrons.

I know I'm red, I went there from sentosa, I wasn't drunk! I'm really sorry I had to leave early though.

When reality doesn't appear, there's still a small bubble of hope that things has never really changed that much and we're all still what we were, only in different paths, different situations, but we're still all of what we used to be.

I can see it the way I like it to be, anticipate the moments, basically, if I don't think about it, time just stopped where it was all pretty and gleeful.

Now when reality hits and sets right in, the bubble has burst and it slaps me in the face twice as hard. It's never going to go back to how it was like.

I still love you, but somehow our paths are just moving further and further away. Maybe it's just me.

warm and fuzzy

I'm craving for that escape, so bad.

It's such a warm and fuzzy feeling when my friends and my guy's friends can all click and we can go out and chill together. Something I've always wanted, but never been able to establish. I love the feeling, loads.

Spent a couple of minutes looking through old photos with Ling, goodness me, we used to be sweet young things! I mean, yes definitely, without a doubt, we still are, but the difference is appalling.

As Evie's song used to go,
"I love you, you love me, we are happy family, I eat maggie you eat mee, together we eat maggie mee!"

It feels like I have a million rants, a thousand words, a hundred rambles, but I can only stare blankly at the screen. My mind feels all tangled, like the flow of thoughts aren't smooth anymore.

Thoughts come through in pieces, with the constant inability to consolidate and focus. Lamenting "I am tired" has become such an understatement, at this very moment. I feel stuffed, like I've been overfed with information, exactly how I feel after each media planning class. Mindraped, that's what we say, when the unconsensual act of forcing information into our brains is performed. The only difference, it's become a daily event now.

It's just work. Nonetheless, my job and my responsibility. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and suffocating.

It'll get better after today, when everything will be back under control, instead of being puppeted by the schedules of these journalists, media, and the oh so mighty people sitting in big chairs.

Soon, I'll be able to breathe normally again. I still need my break though, the one we've both been looking forward to, though it just seems to take forever to come, but, the mere anticipation of it will suffice for now, to keep me adrift.

I feel like an absolute whining bitch.

Thank you, for being patient and just for being there baby.

My runway, my guiding lights.

Friends to me, have been brought up to a whole new level after the termination of my past 2, or 3 relationships. They've meant the world to me, they still do, no doubt, and I've always tried my best to be there for every single one of them, in any way I could.

I'm talking about people who stood by me, stood by each other for so many years, we've seen each other go through the ups, the downs, the exhilarations, the agonizing, the anxieties, the worries, the uncertainties, the bliss, the list goes on and adds on every day.

We've stepped into different phases of life together, with more to come, every single one of us has changed in more ways than one. I'm so proud to call these girls, mine. Proud of the ladies we've all become, proud of the people we aspire to be, proud of what we've done to get us to what we are at this very moment.

A long and winding road still lies ahead, one that hopefully, we will walk down together. Witnessing the additions, we've lost a few, gained a few, when my girls are happy, I'm happy, and my mind can rest.

Events of late have left me in a state of imcomprehension. When friendship is put to test, does friendship or strictly speaking, the quest of one's love reign?

I shan't go into the topic of the quest of one's love, there's too much to cover, with no absolutes, just hypothetical questions and assumed scenarios. It encases too many boundaries, beliefs, principles and after all, it is still a very subjective mindset of every individual.

Opinions and advices of friends have always been of utmost appreciation to me, whether positive or negative. These are words of gold that only true friends will deliver, simply because they care. If they don't, why would they even be bothered with you?

This unmistakable act of concern however, is often misinterpreted and either fall on deaf ears, or brushed off. Having been on both sides of the fences of receiving and dishing out opinions and advices, this is one gesture of friendship that means loads to me.

Being on the giving end, I would want the very best for you as my friend, that's why I'd be telling or reminding you something I want you to know. I don't need that gesture to be reciprocated, good if it was appreciated, I'd just like for you to roll that idea in your head and judge for yourself what's applicable and what's good for you. It's ultimately your call, your road to take, you walk your own talk. Not me.

If it's of a certain significance, I may mention it more than once, and if I see that you don't find it an issue, I'll shut up. That's all to it.

On the other side of the fence, many a times, I don't see what others may see, I may be too involved in the minute details that I may overlook the whole picture and misjudge the whole situation. At such times, I need and appreciate if my friends point that out to me, or simply a word of mention to bring me back to the right path magnifies how much my friends care, and that I am still in their line of vision.

Close friends would know I appreciate and dig out their opinions and views very often on many different areas. I need my friends to keep me on the right track and likewise, I want to do the very same for them.

Undeniably, my words have been snubbed out, at times aplenty. There's only so much a friend can do, there's only so much I can do for my friends, there's only so much they can do for me. When it all comes down to it, I want each and every single one of them to be happy, in all aspects possible.

To a certain extent, I do feel partly responsible for what happened, things may be fine if I had just stepped out. Contradictory, I don't have any regrets of the actions as a whole, only the constant mental debate on whether the right moves were made, whether I could have handled the closure better.

Well, events have been more or less put into place, the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit in, as the bigger picture starts to show. When one person sees that you have a problem, it may be an indivdual biased opinion, when two or three, or more people identifies the same problem, please, wake up your ideas and do something about it. If you don't, stop blaming the whole world for it, except yourself.

You are responsible for yourself at this juncture, not your family, nor your friends. They are merely guiding lights on the runway, at the end of it, whether you take off, or crash nose first, it is you, and how much you are willing to do and clear headed to do, to ensure that final glory.

My magic carpet ride.

When everything is too good to be true, instead of enjoying the ride, taking in the sights, perhaps, simply loving the experience, one can't help but worry about losing the pure simplicity of the experience.

The beauty of it all seems to start weighing down and self doubt sets in, "What exactly did I do to deserve all this?"

A couple that laughs together and goes through storms together, stay together. The ride can never be too smooth sailing, neither can it be too choppy. All I want to do now, is to push the uncertainties, the insecurities, the worries, and all things negative back to the back of my mind and simply, to enjoy the whole magic carpet ride that belongs to us. No doubt, the negativities are still niggering, the practicalities still hovering, right now, the focus is on taking it all in.

I am happy, the 1000001th time I'm saying this, and I truly mean it. It feels like a motivational force pushing me from the back to want and do my best to iron the creases out, to cut through the clutter, to break through monotony, to make my world perfect, in our eyes. Not only is the outcome a key, the process is inviting and challenging too.

Definitely, who wouldn't wish that life was a bed of roses? A rose, by any other name would smell as sweet. I want mine to be a bed of calla lillies, one that we painstakingly grow ourselves, and be able to stand hand in hand to see it all bloom. (Figure of speech, people, I have zero idea how to plant a calla lilly. )

On second thoughts, life is a bed of roses, the journey from the bottom of it to the top of the gorgeous bloom. You just have to get through the thorns to get there. If this is the case, make the end of my journey, a black rose.

It's a ride I'm looking forward to, with all my heart, filled with eagerness, anxiety, enthusiasm, love, laughter, speckled with challenges that toughen us and bonds us further, dusted with lots of understanding, respect and trust.


This is what I call, my sweetest dreams are made of these. Right next to you, is where I really want to be.