Rendered stupid.

I like it late at night when its all quiet. That's when I can really stop my tracks and digest everything, make sense out of everything. It's a pity that the night's so short. Perhaps, that's why my mind is doesn't stop when I sleep, I fall asleep before I round up my thoughts.







I used to hate being home cos there was simply too much silence hanging around in the air, too much darkness, too much emptiness. The air would be so stale and still, you could slice it apart with a knife.







Fast forward the picture 10 years till now, I welcome that deafening silence with open arms. Though the idea of staying home still doesn't really appeal much, I survive.







Often I ask myself how I survived those years, and still dutifully come home everyday, with all the mental tortures. How would it been like if I'd not be good, if I'd not swallowed it all and falsely smile and brushed the tears away, every single night in the bathroom, tears which no one ever knew or saw?







Just one hour ago, I was fighting to stay awake in bed while waiting to know that he's safely home. Right this moment, I'm tired, yet very much awake. Not very good to know, cos I need to be up in exactly 3 hours time.







I'm not melancholic, I'm not dwelling in any issue, that's the problem, most of the time, I have no idea what I'm thinking about. Makes me wonder, if I take sleeping pills, will they stop my brain from racing? Can I try? Then I can tell you if they do.







On second thoughts, if they do stop my mind from racing, what will happen when I wake? Will my mind race so fast, it can't catch up with itself, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a mental breakdown, literally?







I'm exhausted, but still wide awake. I'll go try my luck again one more time.