My magic carpet ride turned rollercoaster ride.

I had a sudden realisation some time last week.

A sudden surge of determination that was propelled by the realisation that I've never regretted being with him and falling in love with him all these while. Even if sometimes it hurts so bad that it feels like a tractor ran me over, three times round. In the oddest way, it felt good, it was uplifting. It made me feel like I've gotten an answer to a persistant question in my head for which was left unanswered for the longest time.

Having this relatively powerful thought in my head made the doubts and insecurities ridiculously irrelevant. The rollercoaster ride was a test of my faith, a test of my strength, and not forgetting, a test of how much I wanted this. It was a 90 degree drop off the cliff, which then led to a rebound of the bungee rope, pushing you 90 degree up, then down the cliff, and here we go again.

Indeed, the mind is a powerful tool. A tool that can destruct or motivate you.

Not forgetting, my belief that a relationship isn't about two people was further emphasized. There are many factors, and many other stakeholders in a relationship. And, the number can increase or decrease depending on how many you allow in. It is a choice. Yet, at the same time, it's a choice that often, you have little or no control over.

Circumstances and changes vary in a relationship, making it the only constant. How true, and how oxymoronic. I don't expect everything to remain the same in a relationship. Coming to think about it, it'll be rather boring if they do. Things change, environment change, people change, people that affect us change, situations change, feelings change, mindsets change, authority changes, there are too many things that can change and different combinations spell a different outcome altogether.

To a certain extent, at least in my view, a couple should be each other's pillar of support, with only one main pillar at a time. They each take turns to lean on each other, to be the stronger one in the relationship. When things change, both are affected, whether they like it a not. They are separate yet correlated entities. It isn't easy to be able to trust and let yourself go entirely to lean on that someone, which is even more so if you have been disappointed before. It's a game of trust. You have to learn to trust your partner enough to completely let him/her catch you when you fall. And your partner has to know and work together with you to know when you are falling and you need someone to be there.

Perhaps, it requires practice. I beg to differ, not entirely, but it's not as simple. It takes practice, effort, and faith. The outcome wouldn't be the same if one gives trust completely and falls, trusting that the partner will catch him/her, yet the partner doesn't put in the effort to work with you to time the catch. You fall flat, and you fall hard.

I've learned once again, to take myself out of the relationship once in awhile, and to not blame him for everything. At times when you're seeing yourself as someone else, you can learn a lot more about yourself and it could mean that you learn that you are quite a bitch.