beautiful moments.

beautiful moments.: "My Public Photos"

Caught in the middle.

I guess it's only right that I shut up and leave. He needs his space and he needs to figure out his direction, I'd be happy for him if things turn out well between them. Truly will. It'll be a pity, but at least, I had a slight taste of the sweet dessert, and the short experience allowed me to gain confidence in myself once again. That I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of someone much more, someone who truly deserves me, and that there will be someone who sees that I'm beautiful, inside out.

It was sweet while it lasted. I just don't seem to have that kind of luck or fate to find someone who thinks the world of me.

Now, the 2 guys in my life are 2 hugely emotional creatures and rather than jumping into the whirlpool, for once in my life, I'm gonna take a step back, and lie back on my lounge chair, sip a lychee martini, and focus on myself for a bit.

Both directions could be a dead end, both could be heading in a roundabout, perhaps one path is the right one and the other's too dark to take the gamble. Rather than throw all my eggs in one basket and take the leap to one of the paths, I choose not to make a move. I'll sit right here, and not move a single strand of hair.

I'm too tired to give, too tired to care.

Think about it.

I just came across a simple, yet thought provoking phrase, or personal belief, however you'd like to put it.

"If it will upset the other party when they find out, then it's considered cheating. So, if you need to hide it, don't do it."

Worth thinking about it.

I'm now too tired to even move out of my seat to make my way home.

The same shit, in different colours.

As of now, I declare I am drained. Absolutely every drop of me has been sucked dry. I don't want to move, I don't want to do anything, I don't even want to talk to anyone, I just want to lie in bed and sleep, or just stare into space.

I really want to get out of here for a couple of days, but I don't see the possibility of it happening anytime soon due to time or financial restrictions. Yes, I am a full time employee and a struggling student. It actually pains me to remove $200 from my bank account and watch it shrivel and die.

I am thinking, of going to somewhere myself, where I'll do just absolutely nothing. My colleague just went off to Bangkok, and I am so envious I swear I just turned green like the Incredible Hulk.

My mind is on permanent overdrive and it is running faster than I can even breathe. Maybe that explains why I forget to take breaths sometimes. Give me a bikini, a beach, the sun, shades, and a ice cold beer right now, and I'll marry you! Maybe not, but I'll be over the moon for sure. Even if it's just for 2 days.

Lamenting, grumbling, whining aside, I should really go get ready for work already.

Boobs are just mounds of fats and gravity hits you just below your belt.

Men look at boobs. It's quite an understatement. They look at boobs, all kinds of boobs, regardless of age, and size does matter, cos, definitely, to men, the bigger the better. Men have this unexplainable atrraction to boobs, and the way they comment and discuss about boobs, you'd think they were choosing dead chickens in the market.

I wonder, if men know that they are being looked and scrutinised upon, like pieces of meat as well. When a man looks at a woman, the criteria due for rating - looks, and figure, and perhaps, the way we dress. That's how low they go.

When a woman looks at a man, a whole checklist springs up, from the way your hair is done up, to whether your shoelaces are tied properly, to the size of your muscles, your build, the way you talk, the size of your chest, and yes, not forgetting, the size of your manhood. Of course, we can't see through your pants, not to worry. This is why, a woman is more complex than a man. Men are simply superficial.

Men also love to talk. They probably don't even realise it themselves, or they refuse to admit so, they're all in denial. Stupid fools. They gossip. They bitch. They win women hands down. One thing they don't talk much about, is their sex lives. Cos when this comes to mind, one things clamps their mouths shut. The one amazing discovery called ego.

When men have boobs to look at, the two mounds of fats that intrigues both genders. Just today, I read in the Chinese papers, there's this woman from somewhere I don't recall, who had her breasts augmented 9 times, and she's now a 38KKK. I bet she can't bend over, or even lean forward. She probably eats her dinner with the tray balancing on her boobs, or silicon sacks to be precise. I wonder how she walks, and when her back is going to break under all those weight.

Oh, as I was saying, men have boobs for visual exploration, women have the male equivalent. No, not man boobs, you've got to look further south. Men, I assure you, women look. We look down, and we have ways to determine the size of your pride and ego. We use all sorts of indicators. Those with small hands, and small noses, I'm sorry, that's the way it is.

There are some women, who are born well-endowed. Age does hit them, and so does gravity. What used to intrigue men, now becomes a topic of discussion. These men don't realise. Not only does gravity hit women, they hit men too, just below the belt.

Think before you speak, and with each pair of boobs you scrutinise and criticise, there's 10 other pairs of eyes scrutinising you down south too. Sometimes, that isn't pretty.

You make me laugh.

I was looking forward to next year's road trip, to the extent I can't wait for it to be here. Then plans were almost made to rest, and we made plans on our own. I got excited again, so excited I planned a long list of villas I shortlisted for you to choose, where we'll have a couple of days to ourselves. Albeit it being literally a couple of days, I was a happy girl.

I haven't had the chance to show you the list, now plans for the road trip seem to be back in place. Don't get me wrong, I still want the road trip, it'll be fun I know, cos going anywhere with you would do. Perhaps I don't quite like my plans being shuffled all over the place, and it's tiring to get anxious, then disappointed, then anxious all over again.

Thinking through, it could also be because, I really want a holiday. Our last real trip was in April, if I remember correctly. Any one that's coming up would do, yet either one's not happening anytime soon. I'm not bored of the routine, I just need somewhere to escape, and live someone else's life just for a teenie weenie while. Or, maybe, it could be that I'm too envious of everyone else taking leave and going on a holiday.



July's a good 7 months away, and that's too long. I may just wilt and wither away into nothingness. It's too many days to count down till then, too many pending confirmations, for me to start anyway.

Having said that, I've never been more convinced, how much I enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Slowing the pace to almost a stop, after a week of hustle and bustle. Either that, or I'm simply too lazy to move my butt anywhere.

All I want to say right now is, you make me happy and make me want to run into the wall headfirst, all at the very same time. You're amazing.....and amazingly irritating.

Losing someone dear.

Just came back from a wake, the wake of a granduncle my family visits once a year. The level of hierachy of the granduncles and grandaunties is rather misleading. He was 61. The story is that he had just went for a medical checkup and he was given a clean bill of health. Things were looking well, with lowered cholestrol level, yada yada, in short, he was healthy for his age. Not long after, he was out playing pool, and he didn't feel good, and passed away of an alleged heart attack.

I wasn't affected by his departure. What hit me was, how was his wife taking it? They portrayed the emotions not that of a lovey-dovey, can't live without each other kind of couple, but more of a comfort zone and support each was to the other. It left me thinking.

What happens when one's partner/significant other departs? What kind of emotions will the living partner experience? I tried to imagine myself in those shoes, it left a bitter feeling in my mouth.

Naively, or perhaps, deludingly, I've always "wanted" myself to leave before my partner and everyone close to me does. On the hindsight, it's a rather selfish thought. I didn't want to feel the sorrow, to go through the process of hurting, and being left behind, losing someone I love, I didn't want the pain and I didn't want to feel the loss.

Of course, these things aren't left to us to decide. Fortunately, or unfortunately.