Next 2 weeks of loneliness

Last night's dinner with Errol did me good. Affirmed my stand and decision, reassured that this is the right way to go. I enjoyed myself, though I was dead tired and so was he I believe.

On another page, realised how we can take for granted someone who's always there. Until the day that he/she is gone, then you start appreciating the things that they do for you and how much their presence means.

No one to cheer me up with stupid songs and ridiculous jokes after a day's work.

No one to irritate the hell out of me.

No one for me to bitch to at night.

No one for me to.....whatever I feel like doing to him.

Thank goodness it's only for the next 2 weeks! I'll miss him.

Absolut Obsession

Yes dear, I fell into your temptation trap. Thank you very much for that. Thank you for making me nuts about the boards even before I start the entire thing! Come to think of it, you're absolutely right! Allan will prolly laugh his head off if he hears of this! Me? Cable-skiing???

For 2 years, he couldn't even get me to go cycling! We'll see!

With exams coming up, we really have to stop tempting each other this way! I wonder when would I have the time to recuperate, with all these stuff going on. Come the following week, we'll make sure we stay grounded at Macdonald's, armed with your milkshakes and my hot fudge sundaes, rooted at our seats, cramming all the lectures into our brains.

Thereafter, by the end of next month, we'll fill up the form for admission into IMH together all right?

"Double beds with vodka ruby red on the side pls! Thank you!"

There comes the dreaded October, when our days of soya will be further enforced. No more polar, no more hot fudge cravings, no more cheeseburgers, no more nuggets! We can grit our teeth and make it through this.

November, with your motor show and my Asia Pacific conference coming up, we'll be pulling our hair out once again!

Then, as the year draws to a close, we can look back and smile at what we've achieved.

Smile for old times' sake.

There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing no poor human can ever meet our vision.

But for the most parts, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish.". Most importantly, sometimes, love doesn't mean you have to be together.

I thought long and hard about the words. Dear Errol said I read too much into it. I still am. But I do agree, and so far it's been so for me, that love to me, is a recognition. Saying the words "I love you" don't mean anything to me, until the day I look at the person sleeping and smile, feeling the urge to stop time there and then, the urge to snuggle in the person's arms.

When I want the best for him, and I'd go out of the way to make him happy, when I smile at his messages, when he's the first person I want to see after a day's work, when he's the first person I call when something happy or sad happened, I know, I can safely say, "I love you" and mean it with all my heart.

This has happened on both occassions. But, I guess things just wasn't meant to be. I can't force things to turn out the way I want it. Cos I've learnt. I respect your choice, your chosen path. Things don't always happen the way I want it, but, que sera sera.

Closed cases reopened.

There are times when I can't believe myself. I wonder if I'm sitting on my brain or something or it's malfunctioning.

It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.

The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.

History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.

Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.

What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.

In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.

Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.

I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.

I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.

I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.

Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?

"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."

I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.

The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.

Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.

I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.

An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.

Self respect

Tell me how to go on.

It feels like a repeat telecast of what I went through. Should I believe in your words and push on, or should I prevent myself from going through shit again?

I'm clueless. You aren't helping at all.

I'd learn how to say thank you in the language you know.

A HUGE misunderstanding sparked off this post. HUMONGOUS. Thank goodness everything's been clarified now.

I've talked about my maternal grandparents cos I'm closer to them, meaning I know more about them.

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 1, as far as I can remember. Time spent with them were short. They didn't stay in a fixed place, nor did we have a fixed day that we visit them. They would stay a short while at each of their 6 children's places, and would rotate around.

I can barely recall how it was like. I do remember dreading them coming over to stay. I used to feel that they were disrupting our normal lives and it was so awkward having them around. Perhaps, I've always dreaded talking to my grandmother, not cos I don't like or love her, but because of our inability to communicate. I guess everytime I see her, I'd feel really guilty as to why I can't talk to her more. Furthermore, she was more than 70% deaf and wore hearing aids. I had to shout everytime I wanted to say something to her.

However, these routines stopped after my grandfather passed away. Ever since then, I only see her once or twice a year, not more than 6 hours each time, not more than 10 sentences exchanged.

Now, she's more than 90% deaf and the hearing aids don't work anymore.

The last time I visited her in hospital was the time she had a stroke. My dad loves her a lot. He loves tormenting us with the repeats of his childhood stories, to the extent we'd know exactly what he'd say next.

My grandfather and grandmother were so different.

She's a China-born teochew, who speaks nothing but pure "China" teochew.

He's english speaking.

I loved my grandfather. He has always remained someone special even though I don't recall much about him. He made toys for us. He doted on me. I'd love to write more, but that's all I remember. Yet, till date, I still remember how he looked, how he sounded like, how he sat in his favourite chair in my house and how he looked like lying peacefully in the coffin. I remember how his funeral was like, where it was held, the bonding we had with our cousins, how it was the first time someone close to me passed away. I remember my brother giggling when everyone else was crying when my grandfather's coffin was pushed in to be cremated. He was just barely 4 years old then. I remember being solemn, only because I had no slightest idea what was going on.

Yes, the toys are still around. So is the chair. My dad will never throw it away despite it being extremely uncomfortable. I still get reminded of them everytime I sit on the chair, and everytime I use the washroom in the kitchen.

If he was still alive today, I'd like to believe, I would tell him lots, in English, cos that was the only language he would speak to me. I doubt he'll still be making toys for me, but come to think of it, he'd be very old. He was 71 when he passed away, which would make him 86 this year.

My grandmother, almost 90 this year I suppose, was always shuffling around the house during Chinese New Year's whoever's house she was staying at then. She would shuffle around and make it a point to talk to every one of her children, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren. Somehow, I doubt anyone appreciate her efforts, but she was always smiling from ear to ear on that day, toothless.

I guess in a way, she's considered to have had a good life. 6 sons, 1 daughter, 13 grandchildren, 1 great-granddaughter, with 2 granddaughters and 1 grandson married.

I wonder how is it like to be living in a world of silence. When you see everyone you love, but you can't hear what they're saying. You see their lips move, but no sound comes out of it. You speak, but not many understand.

I wonder, if you've ever heard my voice.

Don't quit

I feel like the people in the Gatorade advertisement.

I will go on.

I will not give up.

I will make myself cope regardless whatever comes. Even if I have to survive on bread and cup noodles everyday for the next 21 months.

Just let me bitch about it once in a while. Oh yes, the chocolates are a must. Dark preferred.

Don't Quit


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

A teacher gave this to us when I was in Secondary 2. I've kept it in my cupboard since then.

It all makes perfect sense now.

Back to work now.

Famous Amos.

Famous Amos called me out of the blue that day when I was waiting for Ling. I thought he had called the wrong number as we haven't been contacting since Soulfood days, which was like 1 year ago? Even when I messaged him regarding Jindu auntie's wake he was nonchalent bout it.

I absolutely had no single bit of idea what he could be calling me for. Then I knew. He demanded to know why I didn't tell him when I broke up with Allan. That left me baffled. He isn't in my close circle of friends, nor one of my good friends, he's just an...ex-colleague? I was even avoiding him in Soulfood. What is wrong with this person? Do I have to broadcast my breakup to everyone?

"But I'm not everyone what. Remember before I left Soulfood, I told you no matter when you break up with Allan, tell me."

I was stumped. Dumbfounded and dying to end the call, cos knowing him, I'll probably be tearing my hair out of my head even before the conversation ends. Out of courtesy and "old times' sake", so as to speak, I carried on the conversation despite being extremely confused. 1001 possibilities was running through my mind to what he exactly wanted.

I think we spent half an hour debating to why I had to tell him when I broke up with Allan and why I had another boyfriend. As it always have been, its exhausting to talk to Amos. No, not talk. Baby talk.

He wanted requested me to go home earlier to talk to him. Leave my friends to go home earlier? FOR HIM?

Some people just don't change. Never will.

I love you. You love me. We are happy family.

The goodbye hug last night was oddly foreign, yet surprisingly comforting in a way, considering it used to be part of our routine. Somehow, we dropped it along the way. I never thought much about this actions cos we were so comfortable with it, it came without much thought.

After such a long absence of this simple action, I start to realise the significance of the sense of touch. It doesn't really take much effort to do it, why haven't we been doing so?

I walked away, with a warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my tummy.

I need a hug now. A gigantic one.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

As the girl and I were talking over polar cafe chicken pies for lunch in class yesterday, we were so amazed that we actually woke up so early to go for class on a Sunday, when we didn't even go for weekday afternoon classes in poly!

How we have changed...

It used to be school being a drag and we would skip lessons to go to work earlier. Yet, we couldn't care less if we turned up an hour late for class. Work was an escape. Work was fun. We could leave our brains at home and come to work as bimbos, things would still work out fine. Everyone were so used to seeing us almost everyday, be it the security guards, the weirdo scientists, the moovellous people, the construction workers who asked for "pipes" when they wanted straws, people seeing me run up the slope panting at 6.55am so that I wouldn't get piercing stares from the stall owners.

Fast forward 3 years, we would now leave work early to go to school on time. We actually wake up early on weekends to attend 7 hour seminars and the thought of leaving halfway never once crossed our minds. Not only are we physically there, our minds are there with us too! Now, school is an escape from the burdening work load we get everyday.

Chapter closed.

Well, well, well, I'm happy sitting here with dark chocolates in hand and someone to sing to me at night. Still, a gigantic bolster now for me to curl up to sleep would be really nice.

I'm one satisfied customer.

constant state of cognitive dissonance

Karma does befall.

Not that I didn't believe in it before. But it happened, right before my very eyes.

What I learnt today:

The hierachy of common effects model

Awareness

Perception

Acceptance

Action

Loyalty


Upon action, it brings about a state of cognitive dissonance, whereby we start doubting our actions, asking things like "Did I make the right decision?", then upon which, comes the interferance of competitors. This is the time when competitors are able to make their way in and join in the fun, so as to speak.

There's a parallel similarity between this model and that of dating, if you take the time to realise it. At the point of loyalty (read: commitment), one starts asking "Did I make the right choice?". Ta dah! Competitors start inching in, and the comparison comes in.

We're constantly in the state of cognitive dissonance. Reassurance and some form of guarantee is needed to manouver the heart the right way. Only then, can there be loyalty and low social risk.

We are consumer durables. High social risk. High financial risk.

That of Juliet, and her Romeo.

Recalling how I felt while watching Romeo and Juliet, the Leonardo and Claire Danes version, in Bangkok, it's actually kind of well....interesting.

I've actually watched Romeo and Juliet tons of times, be it the 1952 version, the men in tights, the one with the nice song while they were dancing, the black and white version. After approximately 6 - 7 years, its surprising how different I feel when watching the movie. Put them side by side, and you get the before and after picture of me, perspective wise that is.

When I was doing Romeo and Juliet as my literature text in Secondary 3, I'd be in a dreamy state, as though Romeo and Juliet was truly the greatest love story. Ever. The things they do for each other, the buried and textured connotations of Shakespeare, made everything into a lovely package, beautified by my idea of love then.

That was the kind of romance and love story that we longed for, or rather the fairytale, happily ever after kind of romance.

At this time and age, deep down inside of me, I believe I'm still hoping for such romance, not in that elaborate sense, but more of sticking together, working things out together, smoothening the rough road ahead together, without the frills of today's romance, to state it in a more subtle manner, the complications and confusions of principles, beliefs and views in terms of relationships.

The idea of relationships have somewhat become warped and twisted to the extent that there isn't the sense of commitment and sense of desire to keep things strong. Relationships now, aren't what they used to be. Everyone knows this. It's just that no one wants to keep it that way.

Now, not only there isn't "forever", tomorrow is also an uncertainty. It has evolved in such a manner that we live for today. Or rather the moment, cos what's happening now, may not be the same at the end of the day.

My idea of it is after a long day at work, I can't wait to go back and meet my guy. Get a huge smile from him and it melts away the day's fatigue, weariness and "sufferings". He's my source of comfort, my pillar of strength, my fort, basically, I'll need him and I hope it's the same way for him.

It's understood we both have work, we both have other commitments, friends, family whatsoever. We're not connected at the hips, but in our minds, to a certain extent.

Watching Romeo and Juliet now, brings about doubts about the feelings they had for each other. These had been and were issues brought up during Literature lessons then, but it was all for the name of exams then.

Juliet was 13 and Romeo 15. How was it possible that their feelings for each other were strong enough to want to die for each other? Put it in the modern day context, at 13 years of age we'd highly possibly still have beautiful imageries of how love is to be, the "till death do us part" analogy.

I'm dubious how firm the foundation of modern day romances are. As much as I want a simple and heartwarming relationship, I'm caught in the confusion and web of how the perceptions of love is now.

Perhaps, we succumb too much to temptations and are not able to hold our own fort. Perhaps, we're too bogged down by other commitments to be able to commit our hearts.
Perhaps, we're too caught up in wanting the "perfect" partner, we fail to cherish everything else.
Perhaps, with raised expectations the opposite gender has for us, we raise expectations of our partners too. Thus, we can never satisfy our partners the way we would like to, all because we all have an definite idea of how our partners should be. We try too hard to fit our "potential" partners into this mould we have in our heads, and we're coerced by our environment to be perfectionists, we cannot accept the bits of our partners that fall out of the mould.

In the process, we forgot the idea of love, is to love and cherish the person for who he or she is.

We judge others, but we're judged by others too.

Romeo and Juliet isn't anything more than a reflection of how we really want our romances to be. Its the innermost and most innocent idealogy of love when love can change everything and go against all odds.

Back in office after lunch, minus the lunch itself. Armed with a Snickers bar on my right, and my well-travelled Hello Panda to conserve my sanity.

Snickers bar (definition):
(1)a substitute for dark chocolate Toblerone.

Dark chocolate Toblerone (definition)
(1)Sheena's current addiction and intense craving.

Barely sat down for 5 minutes, my chair's not the least bit warmed by my butt yet, and my boss expects me to work wonders.

I've got a problem.

Every night without fail, when I sleep, I'll clench my jaws very tightly, the whole entire night. I wake up in the morning with very achy jaws. This happens when in the day too, when I don't realise it. I only realise it when all of a sudden, my jaws ache and it has been going on for some time. It used to be clenching of my fists. Then it stopped for a while. I have no idea what else there is to clench. Probably the next thing I'll do is chew on my brother's foot.

I think I need to go get some muscle relaxation pills. I don't want to lose my teeth.

Back to work! For now, before I lose my concentration and come back with another entry.

Battle scars and all.

We're in this together.

Remember our goal, the one we set to push ourselves to study? Yes, that's the exact one that's blinking right before my eyes twenty four hours a day, every single minute, blinding me.

A bad time to start, I agree. I can feel us drowning in all these. I can feel the words, "It's just going to get worse" forcing its way out of our mouths, but we choose to gulp it down and keep it inside.

I wonder how long it'll take us to drive each other crazy with our mad antics.

To the girl who's in this with me, yes, it's all or nothing this time round. We shall battle our way to the end, and emerge proud with our battle scars and all, that shall be the proof to ourselves.

Remember the reward we promised ourselves, our bi-annually Bangkok shopping trip? It's beyond me how we're going to afford it, but we shall. Somehow, some way, we'll figure out as we come by it.

It's astounding and bewildering all wrapped into one tight bun.

Now, to give a big smile and thank you to the one person who pushed me to do this.

Sadistically inviting.

First day of class yesterday. It was a mad rush to get from work to class on time, and I had to literally chase my boss out of his office so that I can leave. With only twenty minutes to class, I figured I had to get a cab cos I wasn't going to run the distance from the station to class. I'd be lying flat in class!

Well, shan't go into that despite the extremely bad experience with the cabby. He had me alight a 5 minutes walk from my destination. I was ready to bonk him on his head with my huge bag and stomp off in exasperation.

Class was fun, though the first half of the class was spent trying hard to focus and getting work out of my mind. The lecturer made lesson fun and enjoyable. Praise my lucky stars! First lesson and we got our first project. I foresee myself pulling more hair out of my head!

Dear, it's okay. I understand. I'm happy for you that he's being so nice now.

I must admit, the long walk to the bus stop and the long ride home was kind of....rejuvenating in some sense. Rolled many thoughts and emotions through my mind, coming to terms and digesting everything that has happened and is happening. That felt good.

Now with work piling up, both the International and the Asia Pacific Conference coming up, school and projects starting again, and I'm reviving my driving lessons which have been in a state of comatose for far too long, it actually makes me feel happy.

Like he says, "It's good to get 2 out of the 1001 things I have to do in my life."

Nonetheless, it's extremely draining and I spend half the time wishing for weekends to come and stay for good. I'm waiting for the chance to go somewhere, sleep the weekend away, to basically, hibernate.

Yes, this isn't Soulfood anymore. No more of that child's play. No more of that kind of fun, peace and laughter. Still having fun, laughter and once in a while peace. But I'm enjoying it, in an odd way.

Sadistic.

On a very freaky note, I was at my void deck reaching home after class, when I glanced up to my unit, something I do out of habit. I distinctly saw a man standing outside my door looking downstairs. I didn't think much of it, assumed it was my dad or a neighbour or some unknown man standing outside. Nothing surprising, considering my block is known for having weird people and happenings. When I went up, I didn't see anyone.

It was until much later that I realised, it was pretty much impossible to have someone stand at that position due to the arrangement of furniture, so to speak, at my doorstep.

Question: Who is that man?

This morning, I was thinking through, it hit me that perhaps, the furniture was thrown away. I absolutely cannot remember. That is how dysfunctional my mind is now. Try as I might, I can't recall.

So, it's now, either there really is a man there, for whatever reason I cannot fathom. Or, was there a "man" there?

Naturally or supernaturally, I choose to live in ignorance. I'd rather not know.