Closed cases reopened.

There are times when I can't believe myself. I wonder if I'm sitting on my brain or something or it's malfunctioning.

It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.

The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.

History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.

Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.

What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.

In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.

Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.

I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.

I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.

I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.

Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?

"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."

I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.

The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.

Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.

I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.

An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.