used to it.

i'm used to it. used to being given high hopes then getting disappointed.

maybe they're right that i'd be the one initiating a break up instead of you. purely because you don't even think about us. you say you love me alot. much more than your ex. but you still take me for granted. its always the same old thing again and again.

i can wait hours for you but you wont do so for me. i think you expect me to do so.

you know how horrible my work is but you can still gloat to me that you're going home early.

you always say you'll bring me here bring me there but it never happens.

i put in effort to spend time with you be it rotting at your place, but you'd rather play computer games.

you expect me to be on call when you're out with your friends.

you say you worry about me, but it hasnt occured to you that i worry too.

tell me you're going to fetch me to work the next day, but you cant wake up.

always make me wake you up for work, then say i'm naggy.

i make it a point to wake up so much earlier and go down just to see you, you dont even open your eyes, and still say i disturb your sleep.

you know i'm scared of scary rides, but you still make me go with you. just because you want to.

you stopped sending me home since ages ago.

is love an excuse for everything? does it mean just because i love you or that you love me gives you a right to take me for granted?

maybe what they say is true.

sweet sorrow

its hurts baby. you dont know that but it really hurts. i keep telling myself to listen to them. the voices around me. that i shouldnt keep giving in to you. i should just let you be that kind of thing. but i'm missing out on alot this way. alot alot alot. it sucks. the feeling is the dumps. and i know no one can feel it the way i do. it seems that i'm part of your life, yet i'm not. probably more not than yes. of cos i want it to be the way it used to be. but it seems that things are different. i'm not as happy as i was. not all the time at least. i'm contented with my life but i'm not contented with what my life can be.

i shouldnt ask for so much you know. i know what she says is true. what goes round will come back to you eventually. my own kids will do the same thing back to me. but i really cant help it but dread to come home. it gets on my nerves too easily and its depressing to be in this place. cant wait to get out. i want my own space. i want to breathe. i want to laugh heartily from the bottom of my heart. to really laugh.

i'm really tired. physically and mentally. i need a break. just leave me alone people. i need to find myself back. i need to do something for myself. i need to figure things out and plan what i want to do with my life. i'm aimless leading a life so meaningless. i dont know the next step. i dont know when.

she's leaving.
i'm still here.
drifting apart
further and further away

my heart falls a thousand floors
inside my cell i seek comfort
to mend my soul
to find my path

no one's helping
unlike you
i need someone to be there
someone to understand too

the person isnt you
i'm sorry my dear
seeking advice from people unknown
thats all i have to do

its better this way
for you and for me
though it hurts too much
i just have to bear

maybe you'll see it my way
one fine day
thats what i pray
from this moment on

meaning more than anything else
you in my life
let me have my way
just this once i plead

do as you wish

i'm still pissed. i shouldnt be though. its not his fault. partly. pretty small stuff actually, just that they happened at the wrong times of the day and pretty much spoilt the entire day. was at the chalet, but i woke up at 5am and reached his place bout 7. was feeling really lousy the past 2 days. yet the one whom i seeked solace in wasnt him. i missed him. so rushed down so early to see him. expecting him to at the very least send me to the bus stop to work or something, yet he didnt even bother to open his eyes when i left. kind of felt like i was taken for granted but i brushed it off thinking that he's just too tired.

later in the day, he didnt reply a couple of messages which frankly was pretty irritating. supposed to go over his place after work. really looked forward to it. he called and said he had this wedding dinner which he forgotten to go. fine. go. no big deal. who the heck am i kidding? its not the first time such things happen. for now, i shall not message him to ask him out until he realises i'm "not there". childish? whatever. i just need him to realise i'm not going to take his crap. treat me the way you want to be treated and not any way else.

Mr C was still telling me to fuck care the world since he loves me and i love him. the thing is, i can do it if i'm treated right. i know i probably cant blame him for all these, but the truth is, i dont even need him to really show appreciation. just try to. examples? if i happen to bombard you with messages you dont want to reply to, kindly message me and tell me you're busy and i'll stop. full stop the end. DO NOT leave me dangling and waiting for your replies like some pathetic clingy girlfriend. if you cant wake up to send me to the bus stop or at least say goodbye, at the very least message me when you wake up and say something. i'll be floating the whole day. if we arrange to meet and you cancel out the last minute, at the very least, apologise for cancelling out on me. its basic courtesy.

i have dreams, dreams that scare and worry me. i see you getting back with her and see her having your kid. and i believe that dreams do come true. that spells d-e-j-a v-u. yeah, you can go on with the speech and say that i think too much, i'm too imaginative and so on and so forth, but thats the way i am.

at the end of the day, i just want to be appreciated instead of disappointed. i dont need much to be happy, just a simple message would do. i forgot to inform you, i wont be giving you cards, cards that you dont appreciate.

inner confusions

i tend to lose myself pretty often these days. maybe i've been trying too hard to be that someone to everybody that i dont know who i am anymore. playing that girlfriend, best friend and daughter role in that limited time is getting to me. it's not that i meant to be rude to her or get on her nerves, its just that in this limited time i have, i tend to choose the person who can make me happier rather than spend time with the person who doesnt listen to me enough.

these things do hurt. i'm afterall not that strong. at least i dont think so. i do tear. i do cry. i do feel. i do hurt. i dont forget. i do feel all these. surprise surprise.

i do love him. alot. i dont think its cos i'm used to him. maybe, partly. it doesnt feel good when all your friends feel that you wouldnt last with him, when they feel that you should break up with him. as if it wasnt enough that i'm imagining the day we break up 24/7. its not easy my dear. especially that you are not with me in this. i cant tell you about it. no one can know exactly how i feel. but i've been handling it for so long now, since the day we've been together. from day 1 till now, its been 9 and a half months. maybe one fine day i'll finally break down and not be able to handle all these pressure, but for now, i'm letting it all brush past.i feel myself being with you for a long road down, but i dont see myself with you in the future. it scares me. i've been having dreams of you and your ex-gf, getting back together, she getting pregnant, having your child, so on and so forth. prolly you'd tell me its just a dream, but sorry my dear, i do believe that dreams will come true. thats what deja vu is all about.

for you my dearest friend, i really love you alot and never meant to hurt you. but sometimes when it gets too much, i dont really know you anymore, i dont really know how to talk to you anymore. it could be my fault, i lost my direction. i was trying so hard to find you back, i didnt realise i myself was drifting away. like you, i hope that things will be fine, but hoping still isnt going to do any good. i'd be happy for you when you find the right one who'd treat you right, but for now, i wish you wouldnt put yourself to such misery and bleed inside for so long. he isnt that great, you should know by now, he's just a passerby who stayed longer than he should.