inner confusions

i tend to lose myself pretty often these days. maybe i've been trying too hard to be that someone to everybody that i dont know who i am anymore. playing that girlfriend, best friend and daughter role in that limited time is getting to me. it's not that i meant to be rude to her or get on her nerves, its just that in this limited time i have, i tend to choose the person who can make me happier rather than spend time with the person who doesnt listen to me enough.

these things do hurt. i'm afterall not that strong. at least i dont think so. i do tear. i do cry. i do feel. i do hurt. i dont forget. i do feel all these. surprise surprise.

i do love him. alot. i dont think its cos i'm used to him. maybe, partly. it doesnt feel good when all your friends feel that you wouldnt last with him, when they feel that you should break up with him. as if it wasnt enough that i'm imagining the day we break up 24/7. its not easy my dear. especially that you are not with me in this. i cant tell you about it. no one can know exactly how i feel. but i've been handling it for so long now, since the day we've been together. from day 1 till now, its been 9 and a half months. maybe one fine day i'll finally break down and not be able to handle all these pressure, but for now, i'm letting it all brush past.i feel myself being with you for a long road down, but i dont see myself with you in the future. it scares me. i've been having dreams of you and your ex-gf, getting back together, she getting pregnant, having your child, so on and so forth. prolly you'd tell me its just a dream, but sorry my dear, i do believe that dreams will come true. thats what deja vu is all about.

for you my dearest friend, i really love you alot and never meant to hurt you. but sometimes when it gets too much, i dont really know you anymore, i dont really know how to talk to you anymore. it could be my fault, i lost my direction. i was trying so hard to find you back, i didnt realise i myself was drifting away. like you, i hope that things will be fine, but hoping still isnt going to do any good. i'd be happy for you when you find the right one who'd treat you right, but for now, i wish you wouldnt put yourself to such misery and bleed inside for so long. he isnt that great, you should know by now, he's just a passerby who stayed longer than he should.