nutshell

i want to live in my shell...
a shell of protection i hold with all my loved ones inside
keep things simple and nice
seeing the things i want to see
dont care if i rot and wilt
thats how you grow and learn
can i not?
do i have a choice?
is it within my control?
refusing to grow and move on isnt the way to block out unhappiness
what happened to the world i knew
where has the people i knew gone to
what am i now
a nobody
insignificant

cross-junctions

i'm scared. freaking terrified.

tell me how to get someone back to his feet with a job, a steady income and the belief that things will turn out well, and that it is okay to plan for the future? someone who's just lost his job, havent been able to get a job, set back with debts, and debts that seem neverending, and desperately needs to get over his debts in order to get up and moving with his life no matter how much he wants to.

i dont know how.

all i can say and can do now is just to be there to motivate. to listen. to support.

i'm worried. so is he. but, being stuck in a line thats so diverse and yet restricted, isnt something very encouraging. i dont want him to be on the verge of selling his house, or even worse, to the extent of bankruptcy. his house, his home. a place he retreats every single day. a place he can call his own. now, i'd rather he went to vietnam. may be i'll lose him totally if he went, maybe the single and yet attached feeling would drive me nuts, maybe only being able to see him every 2 months would make me change my mind, maybe the thought of him bringing home a vietnamese bride will drive away my sanity, but at the very least, i know that he's fine and he'll be able to get on with his life and settle his debts.

i cant explain how i feel, cos a thousand thoughts are rushing through my mind right now and i cant type fast enough to explain. my face is aching trying to hold back the tears though he isnt here right now. i thought. i believed, that after that episode, i'd be able to share with them. i dont need advice cos i know no one can help. i just need someone to listen. someone for me to cry to. i've tried time and time again to talk to them. it doesnt help by not getting even an acknowledgement.

i thought that after that episode, maybe we'll at least try to talk. apparently i was wrong. its like, one day we're fine, and one day we're not. i dont know what the hell is happening. they said, they lost me. have i not lost them too? my stand will remain the same, and so shall theirs. i dont see how any more debates will get us anywhere. when i wanted to talk, was anyone willing to listen.

for one, do not judge my boyfriend because of the number of jobs he had or how quickly he changed jobs cos no one, including me, can truly understand how much he had to endure while in those jobs. he didnt ask for a ridiculous boss, did he?

they can say i havent tried hard enough. i've tried proving this point time and time again. it still wasnt enough. i still love them as my friends, but if this is the point thats going to repeat itself again and again. i wonder how much time they spend judging me and evaluating me. i know i wont be able to convince them how much i value them, but if they truly believe they havent had me, i am speechless.

my point is still valid to me, though thats all i have to say. you guys probably dont trust me that much after all. i will still ask u guys out once in a while, one thing i can be sure is it wont be often which i'm sure you guys know best, but i'm not so sure whether you will turn up anot. but for now, take care and i sincerely and honestly love you guys and will definitely be there when you need me, whether you believe anot.

a few days ago, i told farena and yk at work that i was dying. cos i was getting this headaches constantly after hitting my head. i still am but i'm not going to do anything about it. i exaggerated of cos i'm not going to die. i'm really still looking forward to the day that i can drive and make my father sit in the back of the van. haha. but i am one who thinks alot, in fact, lots of out of this world stuff, i can imagining myself dying and getting hit by a car and stuff. but i'm too gutless to really go out there and do it. not totally because i'm gutless.

but really because i honestly believe that there's alot more worth living for. everytime things get really bad for me, i know deep down inside, i'm not the only one deep in shit. and if they can get their feet going, why cant i? i love doris. she's one incredible woman. doris, if you're reading this, i know things have been hard on you, though i dont know whats really going on or whether you're going to tell me, but no matter what happens, you still have us and most importantly your kids. when it gets too hard, take a short break and move on. your kids are doing that. no matter how bad things can go, i'm sure you know that things wont remain like that forever. so smile, and you can scold me all you want. i'm used to it anyway. =) and really doris, we all really love you alot!

cheers to winson, que sera sera.


last words, love yourself.

love him. hate him.

i'm kind of enjoying the school-less days now. though i know i should get my ass off the chair and go get a job. i need the money. pay off my driving lessons and start saving up money. isnt easy to not be able to spend and shop and having to watch how much i spend, but i have to i guess. its getting harder and harder.

guess ah jie's right. both of us have finally gotten our priorities right. or rather me. i think by not putting so much focus on where our relationship is heading makes it simpler and less pressurising on the both of us. we're having a whole lot more fun and we can talk about alot more stuff now. knowing that we support each other in whatever decision both of us make, and knowing that he's there to guide me along. its nice. the main focus in his life now is to get his career back into shape in order to think bout other things. whereas for me, i want to get my next step right and start off on the right foot. i love spending time with him now, even if i have to spend time watching tv alone at his place. cos somehow, he's making it a point to talk to me and get me involved in whatever he's doing ever since i told him how i felt.

i look at him now in a different light now that i've straighten things with myself, and i love him a whole new level up. the tingles are starting to come back and i'm happy to know that he's trying very hard to make sure everything goes well. basically i think i just drive him mad cos i'm constantly making him do silly stuff. do not ask me what. but they're real dumb. trust me.

times like i would purposelly call when i know he's watching tv just to irritate him, times when i bombard him with messages that he do not understand, times that he's forever stealing my munchies, times that he would purposelly make me do stuff so that he can laugh at me, times that he talk in his sleep asking me to call his platoon sergeant. and not forgetting the 67 missed calls and the many times he locks his keys in his room and get stuck in the living room waiting for help to come.

i shall end this night with a smile on my face.

be silent.

i'm shutting out.

shutting out unwanted and undesired noise. NOISE.

shutting out everything i dont wish to hear. dont wish to hear.

shutting out images i dont want to see. i wish i can.

shutting out the rising anger in me.

trying very hard to keep quiet.

trying very hard to keep my mouth shut.

trying very hard to keep my cool.

trying very hard to get her voice out of my head.

trying very hard to not hear her sarcasm.

i shall shut up.

____________________________________

stupid ideas. keep repeating the same old stuff. keep bringing out the past issues and repeat them over and over again. very fun right? grumbling, complaining, screaming, threatening, self-pitying is all you do. wow. i'm impressed. cos you thought me nothing all these years. all i remember from my childhood is YOU accusing me of stealing your money. a mere $5. when i did not even see or take. YOU put it in the wrong bag. YOU accused me. YOU didnt say sorry. YOU thought i was just a child and it was okay to put the blame on me. you say i treat the home as a hotel? then tell me. what is it at home do i look forward to?

for so many years, i open the door. every single time, its an empty home. no, you cannot go out. no, you have to stay at home. no, you cannot go to your friends' house. no, you cannot stay out late. no, its not right for a girl to come home late. no, you cannot stay overnight at the chalet. no this no that. call yourself my parents. you say i waste your money and waste your electricity. i stay out. i earn my own money. i dont take a single cent from you. yet you say that you're still supporting me. my foot. since how long ago have i not taken a cent from you. when it comes down to the point that i'm totally broke and in desperate need of money, i take money from you. and you can harp on it for ages. you dont treat me as a person, so why should i try so hard?

i shall shut up too. cos i'm stuck with her.

ignorance is bliss

the twists and turns of the story so dark. the story which cannot be told. this dark and hidden tale none other than the involved will know. those who hurt will hurt in silence. those who enjoy should enjoy discreetly, yet its all in the light.

what shouldnt have happened has happened and my heart aches for the innocent. the innocent is of no stranger yet made one for no reason. doesnt anyone deserve any respect here? doesnt anyone deserve to be treated the way they should be? its all but a vicious cycle. its all but a thrill. its all but something i cant help. i'd like to warn, yet thoughts of the innocent holds me back.

when a person knows something that he/she isnt suppose to know, yet it concerns him/her, and he/she should do something but cannot do anything, wouldnt it hurt like hell? it reminds me of what winson said, its all but just a masquerade. wear a mask, face the world. put that smile and hide whatever you want. thats just how its done isnt it? i can feel, i can hurt, i can see, so why force myself to wear that mask? hide those thoughts and those fears? i guess, as what they say, it just has to happen this way. cos in a way, it still protects the innocent in one way or another.

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fiona's leaving soon. on wednesday night in fact. we're going to have a farewell dinner for her tonight at soulfood and yk's gonna cook pasta and cream of mushroom!!! yayyy!!! i'm drooling already. though she hasnt been all that close, we had shared thoughts and laughter and definitely breakfasts at work. as irritating as her whining can be, guess i'll still miss her somewhat. she's fine without her whining, just that she's used to whining to frank, so she thats more or less the way she speaks. maybe we'll meet each other sometime somewhere someplace when she gets back from shanghai, no one knows. but for now, i wish her all the best. goodbye FioNA~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and boy, am i looking forward to the farewell dinner.

enough.

to juan:

enough is enough.

i've taken a step back, so wont you quit talking and bringing up the past repeatedly? cant you just let things go and give that leeway for some changes to be made? its not going to help or change anything if you keep on mentioning it. anyway, the blogskin is a default blogskin and i do not need to explain to anyone which blogskin i use. is that an issue too?

stop the tagwar and whatever stuff. where is all these going to lead to? doesnt mean i dont say a thing means i dont care. i just see no point in going on with all these. does quarrelling undo whatever happened? if you say you call me a friend, be nice and not say such things about me when you're angry.

i'm not going to promise that i will meet up very often with you all immediately. but i'm just saying, give me more time to try. dont keep these things and give it to me at one go. its not easy to handle.

i'm not trying to out talk anyone here or explain anything to anyone. i still believe in what i believed in. a friend is a friend forever. there is no such thing as giving a friend up. to me, our gatherings are special. it doesnt have to happen often but its all treasured. believe me. when you see the world through my eyes and feel what i feel, and still think its totally my fault, then go ahead and criticise me. i'll listen. everyone has faults. so please stop harping on mine and stop those harsh words. an attempt is all i need.

as i try to meet up more often, i really hope you'll give in a little. saying i'll always be there means i'll always be there. though more emotionally instead of physically. please try to understand that. and fyi, why i didnt ask eve out on her bday, cos remember i asked you whether we going out on her birthday, you said most probably no, cos you had to study for your papers and wont be going out. so i asked you if we were going out the following week, you said yes. do not put words into my mouth.

thats all.

great day. been called a betrayer by 2 of my closest friends and scheming by my mother. rounded up with my boyfriend screaming into the phone at me. not mentioning the physical hurt. great.

to juan and eve:

this thing has been going on for so long and guess we better talk about it once and for all. first of all, you said you dont see me trying hard enough. what is enough? if you say to be tolerant and patient, have you done so with me? do you know what i'm going through for the past year? things have changed yes. i do not deny that. doesnt mean i have other friends means i forgo our friendship. to me, it is not the number of the times we meet up, its knowing that i will be there whenever you need me. how much do you know about whats happening now? ever tried harder to see things from my point of view? i work hard to prove my mother wrong. i work hard to prove people who think i cannot make it wrong. do you understand?

its not a matter whether how many times i ask you out or its everytime that you ask me out? isnt the outing the most important thing? if i dont message you, does it mean i forget about you? if thats the way it is with you, i dont know what to say. i can never out talk both of you. you count the times i dont call you, i dont go out, you think the reasons i give are excuses. have you counted the times i've asked you out, counted the times i tried so hard to organise birthdays, counted the times i've been there, counted the times i've been accused of betrayal?

talking about betrayal. you say i betray the friendship by telling farena about what we discussed. then telling yk about it isnt betrayal? i'm not putting the blame on you. but please, just for once, listen to what i have to say. it hasnt been easy trying to convince the both of you that i'm still a friend and that i'm always here. times like yesterday, i didnt know a single shit about both of you going out. how was i supposed to make it a point to go out with you? maybe i HAVE to call you out. i DO talk to you in msn dont i? i DO msg you from time to time right? can you say an absolute NO?

so after all these, its just a "she deserves to cry". thats all i mean to u.

maybe the schedule thing was just a platform for you to get into this topic. but, whatever it is, accusing me of betrayal is something that i need to clarify. have you told others about it? if yes, is that called betrayal. you say i dont get it. do both of you get it? i'm not trying to defend myself. i'm trying to get you guys to see the way i see things.