cross-junctions

i'm scared. freaking terrified.

tell me how to get someone back to his feet with a job, a steady income and the belief that things will turn out well, and that it is okay to plan for the future? someone who's just lost his job, havent been able to get a job, set back with debts, and debts that seem neverending, and desperately needs to get over his debts in order to get up and moving with his life no matter how much he wants to.

i dont know how.

all i can say and can do now is just to be there to motivate. to listen. to support.

i'm worried. so is he. but, being stuck in a line thats so diverse and yet restricted, isnt something very encouraging. i dont want him to be on the verge of selling his house, or even worse, to the extent of bankruptcy. his house, his home. a place he retreats every single day. a place he can call his own. now, i'd rather he went to vietnam. may be i'll lose him totally if he went, maybe the single and yet attached feeling would drive me nuts, maybe only being able to see him every 2 months would make me change my mind, maybe the thought of him bringing home a vietnamese bride will drive away my sanity, but at the very least, i know that he's fine and he'll be able to get on with his life and settle his debts.

i cant explain how i feel, cos a thousand thoughts are rushing through my mind right now and i cant type fast enough to explain. my face is aching trying to hold back the tears though he isnt here right now. i thought. i believed, that after that episode, i'd be able to share with them. i dont need advice cos i know no one can help. i just need someone to listen. someone for me to cry to. i've tried time and time again to talk to them. it doesnt help by not getting even an acknowledgement.

i thought that after that episode, maybe we'll at least try to talk. apparently i was wrong. its like, one day we're fine, and one day we're not. i dont know what the hell is happening. they said, they lost me. have i not lost them too? my stand will remain the same, and so shall theirs. i dont see how any more debates will get us anywhere. when i wanted to talk, was anyone willing to listen.

for one, do not judge my boyfriend because of the number of jobs he had or how quickly he changed jobs cos no one, including me, can truly understand how much he had to endure while in those jobs. he didnt ask for a ridiculous boss, did he?

they can say i havent tried hard enough. i've tried proving this point time and time again. it still wasnt enough. i still love them as my friends, but if this is the point thats going to repeat itself again and again. i wonder how much time they spend judging me and evaluating me. i know i wont be able to convince them how much i value them, but if they truly believe they havent had me, i am speechless.

my point is still valid to me, though thats all i have to say. you guys probably dont trust me that much after all. i will still ask u guys out once in a while, one thing i can be sure is it wont be often which i'm sure you guys know best, but i'm not so sure whether you will turn up anot. but for now, take care and i sincerely and honestly love you guys and will definitely be there when you need me, whether you believe anot.

a few days ago, i told farena and yk at work that i was dying. cos i was getting this headaches constantly after hitting my head. i still am but i'm not going to do anything about it. i exaggerated of cos i'm not going to die. i'm really still looking forward to the day that i can drive and make my father sit in the back of the van. haha. but i am one who thinks alot, in fact, lots of out of this world stuff, i can imagining myself dying and getting hit by a car and stuff. but i'm too gutless to really go out there and do it. not totally because i'm gutless.

but really because i honestly believe that there's alot more worth living for. everytime things get really bad for me, i know deep down inside, i'm not the only one deep in shit. and if they can get their feet going, why cant i? i love doris. she's one incredible woman. doris, if you're reading this, i know things have been hard on you, though i dont know whats really going on or whether you're going to tell me, but no matter what happens, you still have us and most importantly your kids. when it gets too hard, take a short break and move on. your kids are doing that. no matter how bad things can go, i'm sure you know that things wont remain like that forever. so smile, and you can scold me all you want. i'm used to it anyway. =) and really doris, we all really love you alot!

cheers to winson, que sera sera.


last words, love yourself.