my other half

I have absolutely no idea how I can be so sure about something, and yet hope that the impossible will come true. Highly contradicting I would say. These things have a way of squirming into my life, things that make me happy and over the stars and moon for a short period of time, and well, then it all ends, with me scratching my head wondering what happened and where did it go wrong. Perhaps, it's life's way of a reminder for me, or a wake up call that drills right through my left brain somehow.

By doing so, it churns out tons and tons of memories I left in some corner of my brain, it the wilted pages of my diary some time ago, forcing me to remember what I had forgotten. It's not entirely good though. More or less, it leaves me in a constant state of self-doubt, self-denial and confusion. It doesn't really help that I had never been good at deciding what is the best way out.

These incidents come like a smack on my face, they sting, they hurt. The groggy feeling lingers for a long, long time to come. Now that they happen pretty often, its actually more of a routine now. Yet, I do not sit here waiting for it to happen, I dont expect it to happen, I just know that they'll come some time or another.

Its actually tiring me out. This is partly why I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I have the tendency to not stay firm. Not totally meaning that I wont be faithful. But in alot of other ways. Perhaps marriage is the next step in a steady relationship. But that sure is one HUGE step.

At 20, going on 21, I'm really not sure if this is the right step to take, even if it means just getting engaged. Somehow the thought throws me off. As much as I want it to happen, I know that we can be happy. I'm excited by the process and all. Seeing him getting excited about it, asking bout flats, talking to me bout "after we get married, bla bla bla" and all, just makes me truly happy. The warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelms me and I just feel like sitting back, relaxing and watching him fuss over such stuff that seems too early to be carrying out.

I'm glad that what I wanted is now right before my eyes. That my efforts are starting to reap in rewards. I can tell he's excited by it too, and that he wants it so bad.

Perhaps, its just my mother.

I'm contented. I am.

denying

When one runs away, the other has to be the one giving chase. its somewhat a give and take situation. Not this time.

I honestly dont like to be treated this way, nor deserve to be treated this way.

Enough is enough.

Its either left or right. You only have 2 hands. Left hand. Right hand. No centre hand. how true...how true...

goodbye.

simply so.

i've been karma-ed.

i miss you bad. truly.

the distance feels so great. like the gap will never close up. as though it was really a dream. perhaps it is.

i no longer know how to approach you. sometimes i just feel like i shouldnt. sometimes i just want to hang in there. most of the time, i just wished i could simply turn back the hands of time.

...to just that precise moment. and leave it there.

Why doesn't everyone come with a guarantee or something? Something in the line of, guaranteed loyalty, guaranteed truthfulness or somewhat similar. Assurance is nothing. Its like buying insurance with a soon-to-be bankrupt insurance company. Talk is cheap.

At least a warning label of some sort would do fine, like a "Be careful of side effects" label to warn potential users of the possible dangers of using the "product". Trusting one's intuition cannot be relied on too much anyway. I probably live in a state of absolute self-denial. Throw me some nonsense I dont want to know, I'll develop selective hearing, selective memory and so on an so forth.

I'm currently in this state of "mind over my heart but sometimes, my heart is too strong for my mind" sort of mindset. It kills me. I honestly think that its going to be the bane of my life.

Strike the above out. I cant think. Kindly furnish me with some comfort, cos some part of me still isn't fixed. I'll numb, I'll heal, I'll take a step back to this vicious cycle again.

Triumph

Stop saying sorry. Sorry isn't going to change anything. After saying sorry too many times, it just becomes a normal word. It means nothing and it wont help ease the pain. Come to think of it, nothing you say now will make a difference. Its just there for me to find out for myself. It wasn't about me right from the start. Its about you. The decision was never in my hands. You controlled the game right from the start.

You took the easy way out, the road that required the least effort. I thought far and I thought deep. I thought I had you with me. You assured me that you would be. It's all crap,ya? Is it always this way? Suddenly I feel so tired. The lover in you gave up. The practical side of you triumphed. Thanks for nothing my dear.

I wish you all the best.

spun out of control.

...its all out of control.

The mess I created in 2005 was brought over to 2006, after adding more emotions, more understanding, more thought, more tears, more laughter, more love, more this and that. Sounds like a even bigger mess than it was. In a way it is, though I gained some light on some matters.

I suppose its better in a way now. I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.

On a side note, I went gown fitting with my cousin for her wedding. It seriously made me feel like getting married. For the gown! Haha
At the studio, I saw flashes of the possible future that maybe I shouldnt have.
Flashes of me and him..oh so scary! But it brought a smile to me.

Anyway, I'm so excited about the wedding its driving me nuts. Ok, no. Everyone else is driving me nuts. I cant imagine if I'm the one getting married. I think I'll age prematurely before the big day and look like an old hag.

I dont have much expectations in 2006. I just want to go with my plans and go with the flow abit. My priority is for the mess to clean up and for the happily ever after to unfold... happy dreaming..

I'm getting married next year.

You said you're thinking of settling down next year. With me, I presume. I just realised I'm supposed to be getting married next year! Why didnt I know about this big piece of news? Am I supposed to be involved? Is it my wedding, your wedding or OUR wedding? I can guess what you're thinking now, try harder to guess your thinking 2 years down the road, but I dont know if I can go on doing this for the rest of my life.

Come next year, I'll only be 22. Ever came across your mind whether I want to settle down? This are your plans. Whatever happened to MY plans? You talk about marriage like its just climbing the next step into our relationship. In a way it is, then why do I feel like I'm pushing us through this, yet you have your own destination and I have mine?

Its not about "We're doing fine now. So I suppose we can proceed to Stage 2, which is marriage." . Its more of "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I can see that happening". You belong to the former. I belong to the latter. Our paths weave in and out, sometimes, we reach for common goals, sometimes we dont. Now, it seems like its more of the donts.

I never ever thought that I would be making a decision about marriage at 20. Neither do I still want to do that. It has never been in my plans at all.

It seems like all these effort I've put into our relationship, or you can say my relationship, I'm the only one doing so. It feels like you're just enjoying the process. Its no longer about what was before. Now, its between you and me.
I can spend ages trying to change your mindset, without a guarantee whether you'll change, but thats not what being married is about, not even what being together is about.

If I break up with you, its not because I no longer love you. I still do. In fact, highly likely more than you love me. It'll be because, I dont see a future for us, cos I dont want to change you to accomodate us, cos I want us to work together and not me alone. You love yourself more than anything or anyone and because of these, I'm hurting so bad inside.