my other half

I have absolutely no idea how I can be so sure about something, and yet hope that the impossible will come true. Highly contradicting I would say. These things have a way of squirming into my life, things that make me happy and over the stars and moon for a short period of time, and well, then it all ends, with me scratching my head wondering what happened and where did it go wrong. Perhaps, it's life's way of a reminder for me, or a wake up call that drills right through my left brain somehow.

By doing so, it churns out tons and tons of memories I left in some corner of my brain, it the wilted pages of my diary some time ago, forcing me to remember what I had forgotten. It's not entirely good though. More or less, it leaves me in a constant state of self-doubt, self-denial and confusion. It doesn't really help that I had never been good at deciding what is the best way out.

These incidents come like a smack on my face, they sting, they hurt. The groggy feeling lingers for a long, long time to come. Now that they happen pretty often, its actually more of a routine now. Yet, I do not sit here waiting for it to happen, I dont expect it to happen, I just know that they'll come some time or another.

Its actually tiring me out. This is partly why I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage. I have the tendency to not stay firm. Not totally meaning that I wont be faithful. But in alot of other ways. Perhaps marriage is the next step in a steady relationship. But that sure is one HUGE step.

At 20, going on 21, I'm really not sure if this is the right step to take, even if it means just getting engaged. Somehow the thought throws me off. As much as I want it to happen, I know that we can be happy. I'm excited by the process and all. Seeing him getting excited about it, asking bout flats, talking to me bout "after we get married, bla bla bla" and all, just makes me truly happy. The warm and fuzzy feeling overwhelms me and I just feel like sitting back, relaxing and watching him fuss over such stuff that seems too early to be carrying out.

I'm glad that what I wanted is now right before my eyes. That my efforts are starting to reap in rewards. I can tell he's excited by it too, and that he wants it so bad.

Perhaps, its just my mother.

I'm contented. I am.