Bittersweet.

I wonder, how many times, do we get mentioned in someone else's blog?

I wonder, am I worth a mention in your blog?

Have you ever?

Vague certainty

A dream I had...

I found myself at a crossroads, that split itself into crossroads, and at every junction, there's a choice between two different paths.

I've always believed to a certain extent the truth in dreams we have. That explains how deja vu comes about, which I have been experiencing frequently these days. Halfway through conversations, I'd pause as though something just hit me in the head, "I came across this scenario before, this has happened before."

Back to the point.

Dreams to me are, often reminders of our innermost emotions, some we ourselves do not identify or wish not to know, an outlet for suppressed emotions and somewhat of an inkling of what's going to come. I dream frequently. Often more than once in a night. Yet, I can never remember what exactly happened in my dreams, the best I can do is fragments of it. The more I try to recall, the further the memory escapes from me, imagine chasing a kite with a constant gust of wind.

At this point, I wouldn't mind a dream that shakes the innermost suppressed and ignored emotions of me. Time to time, I lose myself in this web I weave for myself.

When I get lost, it's time to feel within and I find myself back. Whichever turn and junction I turn into, be it the path with roses and thorns, or the dark, cold and miserable road I find myself in, I shall come out of it stronger.

It may take me some time to decide which turn I shall take, but I shall get where I want all the same. There will never be any dead ends, cos all I have to do is spend a little more time to undo my path.

It's now my turn to be in this maze, though pretty and captivating, its a maze all the same. The illusions I form for myself may be deceiving at times, but time will lead me out of this.

I cross my fingers and smile cos it happened. I will walk tall, with my head high. I know I will.

We're all puppets of fate in this stage we live on. Therefore, we smile our brightest smile, and put up a good show for all to see.

I hate myself for loving you.

School's starting next week. I'm so excited!

I think I don't give off positive vibes. Perhaps, I've learnt to keep my own emotions under wraps and focus on other people's emotions. Could that be why I don't potray what I truly feel?

I remember one incident when I was working, I was up to my neck in work, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was my boyfriend at that time. Since then, I refrained from calling or messaging my boyfriend too often when he's working, purely cos I know how it feels like and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

No matter how much I want to talk to you, I'll just work to kill time so you don't have to rush through work and perhaps, I can still meet you for dinner.

I don't suppose I require a lot of attention from my guy. I treasure my alone time. I treasure my time with my girls. I treasure my time with my friends. I treasure my time with my girlfriend. At the same time, I treasure quality time with my boyfriend.
I do need time with him, but I understand if he has other commitments or plans too.

I don't want to be so clingy and have to meet my boyfriend even if its a short while. I don't mind going all the way down just to buy food for him. I can even wait for him to finish work to meet him. But, I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I know you'll be tired after work. Thus, no matter how much I want to see you, I can refrain, unless you give me the go ahead.

I think Bangkok's a curse.

If I weren't happy and you didn't mean a thing,

I wouldn't jump to see my caller id to see who's calling.
I wouldn't check my phone every half and hour to see if there's a message from you.
I wouldn't be waiting in the office, doing work slowly just to be able to meet you.
I wouldn't be waiting for your phone call everyday despite being dead tired.
I wouldn't feel like this right now.
I wouldn't be looking for the book you wanted from Thailand to Singapore.
I wouldn't be dragging Farena to every single stall that sells cufflinks.
I wouldn't be buying little cards to brighten up your day.
I wouldn't be thinking of you right now.
I wouldn't be affected at all.
I wouldn't be so confused.
I wouldn't be pulling my hair out now to think of ways to make things right.
I wouldn't want you back. But I do.
I wouldn't miss you like crazy like how I am now.
I wouldn't switch to and fro the msn screen to see if you're online.
I wouldn't be saving every single of your messages and read them over and over.

The list could go on and on.

I mentioned before, I don't say things I don't mean. I don't have to go through all the trouble to beautify something that isn't true right? What happened before is history. I do not want history to repeat.

As for my mother, the way you deal with your family is different from mine. Like I told you before, no matter what, she's still my mother. I cannot not be affected by her. Part of me still want to make things right, like how things you are with your mum. I envy that. I want that.

I am used to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me from time to time. It's not always purely the reason that gets me down, but a combination of factors. I don't share cos I feel its insignificant.

Its the same way for you too isn't it? A love-hate relationship with your family. That's the way things are. For me. I can get used to her antics, but I cannot keep her out of my life.

But I've learnt to live with it. Just grumbles and laments from time to time.

I stand by my words that I'm glad our paths cross and I'm truly happy with you. I'm sorry if I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. But I assure you, things aren't the way you see it.

All I want is a simple relationship. One where we can seek comfort from each other. I don't need lavish stuff, I'm easily satisfied. Minus all the complexities. Simple and heartwarming.

I still love you baby.

I like to sit alone amidst bustling crowds.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.
I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.

I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.

The above are just random thoughts about me. Miscellaneous things that came to my mind just at this point of time. Things I've always known, but have never gotten about to sitting down and listing them down.

There are actually many more about me. Perhaps, I haven't gotten to discovering them myself.

You. Me. That's all.

I am pissed. Very pissed.

But I shall keep quiet.

This place means nothing more to me anymore. Perhaps, not even in the first place.

I should have stayed out.

7 dresses, 5 tops, 4 bags, 1 watch, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of cuff links later......

"May JetStar Asia passengers Ms Nursafarena binte Abdul Rahim and Ms Sim Shu Fen Sheena please proceed to Gate D32 for immediate boarding."

We, were too engrossed playing with our phones and talking, and totally forgot about boarding the plane 40 mins before time! When we heard our names booming over the system of the airport, we ran! Ran like there were a thousand mad men behind us. It was soooo funny, yet so memorable. What a way to start our virgin girlfriend trip overseas.

In fact, the day didn't start off too well with me being super duper late and the appearance of the Mother. Well, it was all pretty much forgotten once we stepped foot into the plane. Excitement and anxiety was an entire hive of bees in our tummies, as we blabbered throughout the 2 hour flight to keep Farena's motion sickness at bay.

Day One:

Thank goodness for our in-built female instincts that prevented us from being cheated of 700 Baht for a 30 minute taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Which instead, cost us 180 Baht instead! After the hustle and bustle of checking in and all, we settled for a nice and warm dinner of not very yummy Pad Thai and yummy dummy tom yam woon sen!



Day Two:

We woke up early for the invasion of Chatuchak market. Armed with intense hunger for shopping, and our shopping bags, we pranced into Chatuchak market, jumping for joy. Once our dear Farena started the ball rolling, it rolled and rolled and rolled and there was no end! Spent less than 5 minutes in every single shop and came out with something, barely 2 hours later, we raised the white flag for part one of our shopping frenzy. At this point, our shopping bags were threatening to burst and our wallets were deflating at an alarming rate. We had to stop for a breather before we hyperventilated and dehydrated and died right there on the spot looking like mad aunties.

Part Two was slow cos our weak hearts couldn't take the rate of our expenditure anymore. The heat was sizzling us like some hotcakes and our backs were breaking. After 5 hours of bargaining and racing heartbeats, we threw in the towel and called it quits. Only to realise, we only conquered a grand total of an incomplete section of the Chatuchak market.

We were SGD 400 poorer.

The rest of the day and night was spent recuperating and rehydrating and of course, as our brains gave up on us, our bimbotic alter egos set in and hours of fashion shows was put up right in our hotel room.

Finally at 7, we concussed. We didn't even make it to MBK as initially planned even in our pyjamas. That was how dead we were.

Utterly defeated by Chatuchak market. Tsk tsk tsk.

Day Three:

The MBK, Siam Center and Siam Paragon is the ultimate shopper's paradise. As we proceeded along the linked walkways between the shopping centres, we felt the less need to pull out our wallets. We were happy and satisfied.

Oh! The cafes were simply beeauuutiffuulllll.

Once again, our dear Farena never fails to impress. She ordered Turquoise Fizz, the menu stated the ingredients as such: (Grenadine, Pineapple Juice and Pear Juice). She, tried so hard to make it understood to the minimal English speaking cute guy waiter that she wanted PINEAPPLE JUICE while pointing vigorously at TURQUOISE FIZZ. Poor guy. Poor poor poor confused creature.

I nearly fainted with laughter.

Siam Paragon is pure tai tai's heaven. NO shopping centre in Singapore can beat Siam Paragon. NONE even comes close. We couldn't even find a single Watson's in Siam Paragon to replenish the batteries of my dead camera. The supermarket was a Gourmet Market. Where else can you find Ferarri, Lamborghini, Porsche, BMW, Maserati, Hermes, Chanel, Tod's, and the list just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, in the same building that's designed to take your breath away even before you even stepped into the building??

I cannot even go on to elaborate how gorgeous the place is. It was so beautiful I didn't know where exactly to get out of the building.

After one round of purely window shopping, not by choice, we went back to our hotel.

Initial plan was to head for Suan Lum Night Market, but we somehow ended up at the wrong BTS station cos of wrong directions given by the BTS staff.

We ended up at Patpong, Thailand's red light district.

Even so, we shopped like there was no tomorrow despite being pestered every 5 minutes to go for a "Pussy sex show - very cheap, very nice!", try that in Thai accent.

These Thai men have no qualms about grabbing female tourists by their arms. By the end of it, both of us felt like if we were touched one more time, we would bonk them on their heads with our shopping bags.

Patpong was an adventure.

This is the time I saw Farena, totally lose focus, most probably due to culture shock. She just spaced out most of the time, and you can't imagine the funniest things she would say. Try bargaining with Farena smiling VERY apologetically to the stall owner saying "Sorry sorry, we don't have enough money on us, so we cannot buy.", while trying very hard to pull her away and the stall owner also trying very hard to hold us back.

I felt like a piece of chewing gum stuck between the floor and someone's slipper.

We accidentally wandered into a super duper dark alley, with absolutely no lights, and NO ONE. Well, let's just say we came out safely, to continue on our Patpong misadventure.

Almost done with our shopping, Miss Farena announces "I'm getting the hang of this!".

Thank you dear, we're seriously almost done here.

By the second day, we had already packed our luggages.

By the third night, we had already packed, unpacked, and repacked our luggages, trying to do our utmost to shut the zips.

In all, we couldn't bear to leave Bangkok. The shopping, the tom yam woon sen, the SGD 1.20 beef kway teow that was so delicious, the bargaining, the dunkin' donuts and the honking cars that came from EVERY single possible direction.

We will definitely come back. Soon. I'll leave the pics to Farena. I'm too lazy.

I need air.

I feel...suffocated, like being chin-deep in water, there's air, but it's not enough, not enough for me to breathe comfortably, but just hanging there. Every breath I take requires an intense amount of energy just to sustain my sanity.

I want to help but there's only so much I can do. Just so much.
I wish I could. I feel so so so so bad. I am sorry.

I see what's going on and it hits me hard. I don't know how to help other than just be there. This is when I realised, how grey the area is between right and wrong. Neither way sounds right, yet neither way sounds wrong.

On another note, I am so traumatised by the sudden increase of deaths around me. I've attended like 2 wakes in this week. To be honest, I am freaking out. It never affected me this much cos it didn't happen to people I know or around me.

This is no good.

My grandparents are old and not in fantastic health.

I just pray nothing happens any time soon.

Please be strong.

Pretty please, with ice cream and chocolate chips and chocolate syrup on top?

My joy. My sacrifices. My degree.

I got accepted! I got accepted! I got accepted!

I just couldn't believe it when I saw the message. I wasn't expecting a reply or was I waiting by my phone anxiously, thus, the greater joy in getting the news. The bigger surprise was, I'm exempted from 10 modules! Even though some modules I thought I'd be exempted turned out otherwise, I am so so so glad that my doomed modules are exempted for me! No more accounting, no more stats, no more econs!

Baby, I don't have to bother you to stuff me with econs theories! Aren't you glad?

Instead, I'm left with the more interesting modules of the lot for me to plough my way through! Sounds like I'm looking forward to a hard time. I do miss studying, though not working a permanant job and studying at the same time. In additon to the increasing amount of work that is expected of me, the course will most probably squeeze every single ounce of sanity out of me!

All I feel like doing now is jumping all over the office screaming at the top of my voice and giving everyone a great big hug! But no, I shall sit quietly at my desk, masking the uncontrollable smile that makes me feel like everything inside of me has just turned into marshmallows, and scream at everyone in MSN instead.

Dear, you'll get your letter real soon all right? I'm conserving my energy to scream together with you, jumping and hopping our way all over Bangkok! Then we'll go for a HUGE, ENORMOUS, ELEPHANTOUS, DINOSAUROUS, GODZILLA celebration! Cheers with tom yam soup and birds' nest, come back all rejuvenated and ready to start our pursuit of this piece of paper!

Oh oh oh! I'll remember your "long service award" too!

butterflies in my tummy

Countdown: 5 more days!!!!! The wait is making me feel queasy!

We're going to shop like crazy, eat like crazy, and just simply, let our hair down!

Sat Check-in. Night shopping at Suan Lam
Sun Morning shopping at Chatuchak, then fear factor challenge where jakun Farena will try the exotic food there. Peach moments at night.
Mon Massage, hair highlights, manipedi & more food discovery.
Tue Chill @ hotel, squeeze all things bought into luggage, head back SG where I have an event to attend. ARGH!

The above is Farena's version of our itinerary. Sounds simple, but I tell you, I can foresee us running around like duracell rabbits rushing to get enough shopping to satisfy our "starving appetites"! Everything else has become secondary. Our long awaited, do whatever we want, drink like no one's business, eat like we'll never get fat, hotel stay is finally here!!

I just hope we don't shop till we lose our way back. Judging from the way we both usually do. I feel like the butterflies from my tummy are trying hard to flutter their way out!

Absolutely right dear! Our goal in 2 year's time for you and 4 year's time for me! And I can't believe we're working towards it together! Even though I'm dreading it and yet still looking forward to when school starts. But yayyy! I'm glad we're having a hard time together!

Oh, but dear, you sell your soul to every company you work with. So that's not really valid you know?

safe in a crazy world.

Goodbye.

I'm in shock.

Still in shock.

Life is so unpredictable.

Thanks for being the really nice person you were. The wonderful treats and delicious food you made. The coffee you needed every morning. Or tea. The help you rendered to us.

Goodbye forever.

Sealed.

I'm going back to writing in diaries.

亲爱的你怎么不在身边

Our minds complicate our senses. We see things that are right smack in our faces, yet our mind forces us to look past them. We hear what people say, we interpret in what we feel is pleasing to us. Or what we would like to come from that person.

See. Perceive. Register. Digest. React. Act.

Somewhere in the process, it get twisted and tossed, like the game where the first person is suppposed to pass a message down the line, and at the end of it, the entire message becomes distorted.

And that's what makes it so hard.

Have you ever felt like your mind and your heart thinks 2 different ways? Like your mind says this should be the right thing to do, yet your heart says otherwise. It feels like I'm having a massacre going on the inside of me.

At times, my mind wins a little, and I start leaning over to this side.

Barely 5 minutes later, I decide otherwise.

How do you think with a combination of your mind and your heart? Personally, I think it's pretty far fetched.

At this very moment, my mind is having a very hard time persuading and convincing my heart to think the other way trying to stop me from doing something stupid I'll regret. I hope.










I miss you so bad
But its all right
Things are sunny on my side
I hope you're on your way back

No idea how long it'll take
Crossing my fingers and toes
It'll be real soon
Cos I still want you with me

Keeping these thoughts within me
A secret I can't reveal
Fumbling through the tunnel
Anticipating the unexpected

I'll be a couple of steps behind
Just in case you need me
I'm doing fine
Don't worry about me

Tinted shades on a rainy day

There's a nigging feeling at the pit of my stomach.

But, I have no idea what's it about. It's just going round and round about in circles at the bottom of my tummy.

"Look at me,you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday it says if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"

____________________________________


It's a beautiful sight ahead
Though misty, foggy at times
Perhaps, that's the beauty
Of the road in front

I stop to wonder and to think
Dwell in the ambiguousness
With shades covering my eyes
The rosy picture I paint for myself

This road before me
Uncertain yet intriguing
Compels me to move forward
With a smile and a thousand thoughts

From time to time
We stop to take a break
From the hustle and bustle
Of finding the light at the end of the tunnel

Coming across pebbles and rocks
With every single step I take
It's the sand that irritates
Not the rocks we can avoid

Enjoying the stroll
For now I take a rest
As my mind registers all that I see
Closing my eyes to lock them all inside

Let it be.

I'm sorry I hadn't been understanding enough.

I know things have been hard on you lately, and how its all been affecting you.

Focus on whatever you should do now, I'm just a phonecall or sms away.

Don't worry bout me, I'm fine and dandy.

All right? =)

Oh oh oh! I came across my Da Vinci Code ticket stub yesterday. What a pleasant surprise.


Countdown: 8 more days to Bangkok!!!!! I can't wait! We'll go shopping like crazyyyyy, eat like crazyyy, and the whole hotel room to ourselves! Right dear?

no longer privileged.

Met up with my girls last night. As usual, it was a time of catching up, voicing out our concerns, lament about whatever is happening in our lives so on and so forth. It was much needed and appreciated.

We were talking about why do we feel like we're 30 and not 21.

I realised.

We were 16, as much as we had tons of fun and memorable times, we were...sixteen.

We had the privilege of doing shit things, go to shit places, and still get away with it. We could waste our time cos we could afford to waste that time.

It's different now.

We work cos we need to feed ourselves. No longer sheltered, no longer privileged.

That's just the way it is.

The times we had are definitely missed and no doubt I WANT it back. Things don't always go your way.

This is one thing that won't.

We're no longer sixteen. When the only thing we had to worry about was passing O levels.

Dear So and So

Appear that the letter wars are starting once again. It just makes my tummy churn and my heart sink when I try so hard to push myself to go on, and yet, it all boils down to nothing. I do have my priorities set straight. The only issue here is, my priorities are nothing like what you expect my priorities be and just because this is the case, you conclude I'm in the wrong frame of mind. It will always boil down to this. ALWAYS.

Somehow, its not the big issues that get to you, cos we've all learnt to deal and manouveur ourselves round these obstacles. Instead, its the nitty gritty details that pile up into one whole ball of mess that irks and weighs you down.

One leads to another and then to another and this whole ball of mess seems to be impossible to handle. We've all been there.

You're never alone, and tons out there are in a worse situation than you are. We all learn to lean on each other for support. Nonetheless, some of these so called "support" can actually bring you down even further.

When an entity brings about tears, look to another entity for that smile.

A night out with my girls makes it easier for me to lift myself up.
A nice dinner with my guy makes my day.
A simple message from someone close can make me smile.
A smile from you makes it all seem worthwhile.
A hug can be healing.

With all these, it may just be a temporary escape to our own protected world, where everything is right, and everything is the way we want it. But why not? If this little escape can give us that tiny little push that perhaps is all we need to succeed? Even if we don't, we have moved a step ahead.

"Focusing on someone else's problem can make your own seem so much less significant. As such, your problems become so much easier to handle. It's just a matter of getting over yourself." (Yes Errol, this line worked wonders for me.)

When it all gets too tough, take a break, have a kit kat, or MacDonald meal for that matter, anything that works for you, just to rejuvenate and find your focus once again. Well, a tub of chocolatey ice cream can create miracles, for me that is.

I used to write in diaries. ALOT. Until I ran out of time. Or naps on bus rides seem to make more sense then jiggly writing in diaries. Or when its easier to type it all out cos the computer's my best friend now. I never throw these diaries away. I take them out once in a while, read it through, and have a good laugh about it. It's really amazing to realise how those impossible mountains to climb seem to just be molehills when you look back.

Like the time the O Levels was killing me, and I thought I would never made it through. Well, I did.

Like the time I was camping in my living room for one week for projects' sake, I thought I would never complete them despite sleeping just an hour a day for a week, staring at the screen to find that tiny little comma in the entire program that would make a great difference. WELL, I did, just not as well as I would have liked it to be.

Like the time I fried my thumb in boiling oil, I was wailing buckets. Now, I think its amusing.

Oh yes, and the time we were peeling oranges by the cartons everyday. I was working 16 hour shifts and dreaming about peeling oranges the remaining 8. I felt I smelt orangey no matter how much I bathed. I'm VERY sure I don't now.

The time when I was 5 and my dad when for reservist training on my birthday. I thought the army didn't like me and was punishing me. I BAWLED. Now, I wish he would go back to reservist training.

How bout the time I fell on my butt, and for that moment, I couldn't feel my legs. I was convinced I was going to be paralysed waist down. I felt extremely dumb after that. Stop reminding me.

Things happen for a reason and there's a reason why we're given harder tasks to accomplish. That's because we are capable of succeeding, and coming out unscathed.


I shall go think of a response to the letter I found on my bed last night.

Here goes...

Dear Mother,

Thank you for your letter.

With regards to your claims and accusations, I'm sorry to inform you that they are completely without basis. Kindly obtain more concrete information before giving feedback.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you and best regards,

Your Daughter

Twentysomething.

The figures are tempting me to pull my hair out of my head.

I don't know if I can keep up with all these. Someone remind me once again why I'm doing all of these?

It's not about having the right to not be strong. It's about having to. It's mandatory. There is no other choice.

When this happens, it becomes the norm. Or rather, I'd like to think of it this way.

All the other 21 year olds are out there struggling to make ends meet, while enjoying their youth, while wasting their time, while having fun, peace and laughter, doing what should be done at 21. Yes, they're doing that. They're not at Sentosa tanning their butts. They're not at some cafe enjoying their coffee. They're not shopping at Orchard spending their parents' money. They're not sleeping at home. They're not sitting at some corner gossiping about passers-by, laughing like money will drop from the sky, right smack into their laps, they're NOT.

Instead, they're sitting behind some desk in front of a computer, trying to meet some deadline, trying to look professional while secretly cursing the boss under their breath while smiling at the "oh so sweet and helpful, yet I see your horns on your head and your tail swinging at the back of you" colleague who just walked past your desk, gently reminding you of whatever piece of work you still owe her.

"No worries, its not that urgent."

She says.

The next thing you know, you're sitting right in front of your boss, answering for that very piece of work that is still in your tray marked "PENDING". What a great sense of deja vu. Did that just happen last week? Perhaps I was wrong. It must be me. I am confused now.


Don't get me wrong. I am happy and satisfied with my life and what I have. Which translates into, I AM NOT GRUMBLING.

I am, well, just lamenting.

Pardon me. But, it is not the time of the month.