I hate myself for loving you.

School's starting next week. I'm so excited!

I think I don't give off positive vibes. Perhaps, I've learnt to keep my own emotions under wraps and focus on other people's emotions. Could that be why I don't potray what I truly feel?

I remember one incident when I was working, I was up to my neck in work, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was my boyfriend at that time. Since then, I refrained from calling or messaging my boyfriend too often when he's working, purely cos I know how it feels like and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

No matter how much I want to talk to you, I'll just work to kill time so you don't have to rush through work and perhaps, I can still meet you for dinner.

I don't suppose I require a lot of attention from my guy. I treasure my alone time. I treasure my time with my girls. I treasure my time with my friends. I treasure my time with my girlfriend. At the same time, I treasure quality time with my boyfriend.
I do need time with him, but I understand if he has other commitments or plans too.

I don't want to be so clingy and have to meet my boyfriend even if its a short while. I don't mind going all the way down just to buy food for him. I can even wait for him to finish work to meet him. But, I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I know you'll be tired after work. Thus, no matter how much I want to see you, I can refrain, unless you give me the go ahead.

I think Bangkok's a curse.

If I weren't happy and you didn't mean a thing,

I wouldn't jump to see my caller id to see who's calling.
I wouldn't check my phone every half and hour to see if there's a message from you.
I wouldn't be waiting in the office, doing work slowly just to be able to meet you.
I wouldn't be waiting for your phone call everyday despite being dead tired.
I wouldn't feel like this right now.
I wouldn't be looking for the book you wanted from Thailand to Singapore.
I wouldn't be dragging Farena to every single stall that sells cufflinks.
I wouldn't be buying little cards to brighten up your day.
I wouldn't be thinking of you right now.
I wouldn't be affected at all.
I wouldn't be so confused.
I wouldn't be pulling my hair out now to think of ways to make things right.
I wouldn't want you back. But I do.
I wouldn't miss you like crazy like how I am now.
I wouldn't switch to and fro the msn screen to see if you're online.
I wouldn't be saving every single of your messages and read them over and over.

The list could go on and on.

I mentioned before, I don't say things I don't mean. I don't have to go through all the trouble to beautify something that isn't true right? What happened before is history. I do not want history to repeat.

As for my mother, the way you deal with your family is different from mine. Like I told you before, no matter what, she's still my mother. I cannot not be affected by her. Part of me still want to make things right, like how things you are with your mum. I envy that. I want that.

I am used to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me from time to time. It's not always purely the reason that gets me down, but a combination of factors. I don't share cos I feel its insignificant.

Its the same way for you too isn't it? A love-hate relationship with your family. That's the way things are. For me. I can get used to her antics, but I cannot keep her out of my life.

But I've learnt to live with it. Just grumbles and laments from time to time.

I stand by my words that I'm glad our paths cross and I'm truly happy with you. I'm sorry if I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. But I assure you, things aren't the way you see it.

All I want is a simple relationship. One where we can seek comfort from each other. I don't need lavish stuff, I'm easily satisfied. Minus all the complexities. Simple and heartwarming.

I still love you baby.