All in all.

2006's been an eventful year, probably mentioned it a thousand and one times, the girl and I had even listed down the major happenings that went by in a flash this year, and let's say, we surprised even ourselves!

Melancholic thoughts were running through my mind last night and robbed me a tad too much of my sleep. The urge to get up and write it down was intense, but as much as it is, my butt was asleep already.

I had wanted to jot down this post for memories' sake, few would know that I re-read my diary entries time to time. At times, I choose to simply tear it to pieces - these are happenings that I want erased from my mind. At other moments, all I want is to pen it down, be it a happy moment or a moment that I was hurting real bad, to serve as a reminder and a lesson learnt. Events and words that mean nothing to others, yet mean so much to me, cos they are pieces of my memories, that made me behave and think the way I am now.

May 2006

A really bad and in the dumps period, when my slightly after 2 year relationship came to an abrupt end. It hit me hard. My mind went a little haywire for awhile. Being over and done with, I guess I won't touch on the cause and effects. We're still in really close contact now, though I still question myself from time to time, why did I forgive him in the end. Was it to soothe my wounds, to be easier on myself, or I simply can't be bothered with it anymore? Regardless, I don't see anything happening between us anymore, contradictory to all your concerns, stepping out of the fog has made my mind clearer, somehow.

In the same month, I stepped into another relationship. One that came fast, and ended fast too. Perhaps, you still do read my blog, perhaps, you can't be bothered anymore. There were happy times and likewise, unhappy moments weaved through the short span of our relationship too. If you're reading this, I just want to say, thank you.

Thank you for being there when I needed somemone.

Thank you for being the shoulder I needed to lean on, for giving the hugs I needed to push on, for believing in me, and us, though it was only for a short while. For the laughter we shared, the lessons taught and most importantly, the memories.

I was happy then, though words of such means nothing to both you and me now.

We didn't end as amiably as I had hoped, but like I said, I stepped out of it stronger. Somehow, when it happened, I felt no impulse to question the doubts, why it happened, why didn't we work out, why this, why that. Words are powerful tools. I've learnt. In a way, you've changed my mindset in ways I still can't fathom.

I know you're happy now, and that you're doing well, and I'm truly happy for you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe, you didn't hurt. Maybe, you did. Undoubtedly, we've both recovered and moved on from where we left off. 4 months has passed since we last met. Perhaps, one day, we can sit down and laugh over what happened, and become friends we never attempted to be.

For now, like I've said before, I wish you all the best.


June 2006

It's been 6 months since I left my previous company, and 6 months since I joined this company. Close friends would know how it's like for me now. I emphasize, just let me bitch about it a little, I'll stick through it. One more year, that's all I need. I do miss my previous company, the people and the laughter. Things are different here, but I get the satisfaction and the assurance I seek, from people who matters most.

July 2006

I saw my beloved cousin walking down the red carpet. Recalling what I said to her then, I am exhilarated for her, yet feeling an odd sense of loss. I'm glad that you're happy, and I've gained a cousin-in-law. We should find time to resume our ktv sessions. I know, its me. I'll find time, don't worry.

September 2006

The girl made me fall in love with wakeboards. Then, she made me go riding. After countless face plants and Carlsberg beers, I've gotten my own board. A hefty investment, 1.6k to be exact, I think my brain got water-clogged I couldn't think properly. Nonetheless, I love my Angel, my Transits, after I manage to get into them. Now to get over the wet weather, I'm dying to ride! It's been so long now! Met a lot of people through riding, especially Mike, David, Helly, Long, Chun Kiat, Geraldine and all. The countless laughters in Mike's shop, the Nana Thai dinners, the on going stabs at each other, and our planned camping trips, it will happen soon.

November 2006

Seeing the painfully planned Asia Pacific Conference 2006 happening before my eyes, made all late nights and frustrations fizzle off. I'll bash myself in the head next year, looking back at this, but I am so looking forward to next year's conference. Asia Pacific Conference - Dubai 2007.


Other happenings I shall not speak of, but will do so, in a couple of months when it surfaces. It will. I have faith. Once again, I shall not list down any New Year's resolutions here. I just need to clear stuff up. Some things are getting way too messed up, and it should not be happening.

There are things that will stay with me and remain unspoken of.

One person I really want to thank, is Errol. Thanks my dear, for being there for me for so long. For trying so hard to keep me on track, for irritating me and being irritated by me, and so much more. You've kept me sane, and driven me insane. You should come to Batam with me again, your said Punggol trips are not happening! I do wish you'd let me watch the shows I want to watch though, instead of criticizing them!

Not forgetting dear, you know what's coming up next year for you, we will make through this and make it work. Trust me. Love you babe! And the guy too, yes you, Sham, though u can drive me nuts, but I love you all the same!

Deaf-initly Boleh!

You start to realise how fortunate you are when you're surrounded by people who are otherwise. Recall one of the questions which was once put to me, if I had to give up one of my senses, which one would it be.

"My sense of hearing."

This couldn't have come to me stronger anywhere else, but at the Deaf-initely Boleh Carnival, a deaf awareness carnival held at the National Library over the weekend. Started off to help my cousin cos she was short of volunteers to help out, got Xiaobai in, and off we went to the carnival early Saturday and Sunday morning when everyone else was in bed.

We had to constantly remind ourselves not to succumb to the temptation of Macdonald's breakfasts, lazing in bed, or just chilling somewhere. Boy, it was tough!

These people are amazing, yet underestimated and belittled.

They can do so much more than you, me or anyone else can, purely cos of the drive in them and they know how not to take things they have for granted. They count every single blessing with much joy and enthusiasm, it makes you think they could be fortunate for their loss.

Them, being so comfortable and accepting of themselves, simply puts us to shame, makes us feel handicapped. Here we are, perfectly fine, complaining about phones ringing constantly, boring music, lousy singing, when they, for one, cannot hear.

They do lead ordinary lives which are far more extraordinary. They seek satisfaction, fulfillment, emotionally, instead of focusing on the materials. These are things that you can bring along with you down the years. Not your designation. Not your worldly possessions.

"Treat your child as a child with a handicap. Not as a handicapped child. Love him/her first as a child, then accept and help them with their handicap."

Not pining the words to that of what I heard, but the gist lies there.

There are lawyers, regional managers, assistant managers, teachers in there. Coming down to it, even you and I may not have that capability to reach that level. Their achievements are commitments they put themselves to, driving themselves to achieve because they know they can. Not because they seek to compete.

We stepped in not knowing what to expect and what was expected of us.

We stepped out, with a bigger heart and a bounce in our steps.

I'm glad I went and stayed on.

They are deaf, they can't hear, but they can listen. Not through voices of you and I, but through your body language and unsaid thoughts - what you and I always neglect through said communication.

Impossible is nothing and silence may just cut through more boundaries than words of nothingness...

Pepped up.

Overwhelming, isn't it? The speed at how time just passes by, how you can get whirled into its tornado speed and come out of it with only a slight inkling of what happened. It's been a long time, I've realised. A long time since I had the moment and space to sit down and digest what has been going on and what has happened, feeling like I'm running a marathon with no time to catch my breath. By the time I get to the finishing point, I feel like my lungs are going to explode and the blood is rushing at insane speeds to my head, to the extent I terribly need to collapse.

It's been quite a year.

Wouldn't it be nice if I were people watching at a quaint little cafe, with a good book and good company now?

Christmas party and 2 consecutive days of wakeboarding.

Sadistically inviting.

Exhilarated.

I need to reorganise my commitments once and for all. It's going a tad haywire, which isn't too good for both my physical well-being and mental well-being.

I am exhausted.

Something that happened, or rather that's going to happen makes me want to jump up and hop around, screaming for joy. Except that I can't tell. This creates a warm and fuzzy, yet burning feeling deep down inside. The kind that burrows deep into your tummy, and constantly reminds you of its existance.

It is something good. Something worth celebrating. Something that quantifies a hug, a kiss, and a few drop of tears. Happy tears and happy sighs.

Well, well, well...just let me be while I spin around the garden in glee.

I'm no angel.

I'd still like for a shoulder to fall asleep on.
I'd still like for a hand to hold on to.
I'd still like for a comforting hug that makes everything right.
I'd still like for a smile that makes all the pain worth it.

Just not now.

Unless, he can carry my board bag for me.
Unless, he can fine tune my Energizer alter-ego with me.
Unless, he can share my joys and my woes.
Unless, he can piggy back me when I fall and twist my ankle.
Unless, he can make me smile right from the bottom of my heart.

I am happier now, as they say.

I'm leading a life now that I can't leave behind. Matters of the heart likened to an extreme sport, this emotional turmoil is more than I can take. My heart speaks in breathless whispers and inteferred by noise.

Random thoughts do pass through once in a while, but I'm not bothered by them. No doubt there were footprints left behind. They have faded, washed away by the tides, left with only an inkling of what had happened.

Perhaps, they were 2 separate souls in separate corners of this winter wonderland with their paths coincidently crossing. Now the snow has melted, the icebergs gone.

The sun has come up and it's time to go home.

Miracles only happen in dreams, not even in mine.

Things are getting way too complicated, venturing into areas that light should not reach. The world's a tiny place, and its round. I know it all, nonetheless, the affection is just overwhelming.

I thrive on affection, it seems.

Dancing in the grey areas, prancing in the dark. The right is wrong, and the wrong seems right. Living in this confusion of beliefs, you'll know it better than I do. Ignorance may be bliss, persistance may not triumph, perhaps, it's time, for selfishness to step in, or it already has.

Seeking the answer from within, to purge on or to hold my stand. Things will never get simpler, weaving in and out, into one dead knot.

It is nice to have someone sending you to work, messages or calls throughout the day to make sure you're going on fine, that you've eaten, or if you need a ride home, to watch movies with, to have a arm you can grab on to in case of emergency, to have someone sending you to the stars, to have someone to message "good night and sweetest dreams" to, to have someone missing you....

Yet, it is sad to know that it's your heart they can't touch and there's a reason why people stay where they are.

When taking a step forward isn't an option, neither is retreating, staying put seems like the most logical thing to do. Though, it may start to seem like an excuse to take the initiative out of your hands, knowing that budging even just a little can make a whole lot of difference, to a square in this game that means nothing, reaps in nothing, loses nothing, it's just plain meaningless.

I could call it quits, but who's to guarantee, that things won't make a turn for the worst after?

I could take it a notch up, but who's to tell me, that's truly the best for myself?

No one's seeking that answer to that fateful question, events could remain hidden, knowing and understanding, could hull one deeper into the equation. There is no answer. Likewise, speak of no questions. Don't ask, don't speak, don't question, don't doubt, don't expect, don't assume.

When stories aren't told, it doesn't mean they aren't happening. Even with stories narrated, it may not mean they are real. Fiction, or truth? Or perhaps, lies....

It's not about you, or me, or us, or them. It's about the many little screws that keep the whole chair up.

Clouded concentrations

Something hit me while I was in the midst of preparing for work today.

Something my mother said some time ago.

"Men and women can never be equal, no matter how you want it to be."

I dwelled in it awhile, rolled the idea through my mind a couple of times. Pushed myself back to the time when we were discussing this. It didn't sink in as much then, it was simply brushed off like lint on velvet. When it hit me this morning, I started to see light on it.

It's true that men and women can never be equal.

We're not meant to be so in the first place. Undeniable, men and women can do fine on their own once in a while. But its the instincts and natural tendency that push us out of our shells to be in touch with the opposite gender to seek that shoulder to lean on, and that warm comforting hug.

Men and women to me, are interdependent and complementary. That's what we are all seeking, aren't we? That someone to provide for ourselves what we can't do so on our own. With every partner we connect with, we are all finding answers and clarifications to what we want and what we're trying to fulfill. If we're meant to be equal, we could have simply be made the same.

This lifetime game of hide and seek doesn't seem to justify the notion.

Would the world be a nicer place to live in if we're all made equal? Perhaps, but I beg to differ. The differences should be celebrated and not forcefully matched, not a desperate act of bringing the distance closer. Nonetheless, we are not looking for equality. But to be treated with respect. Through respect, it opens more doors for one to share ideas and thoughts with. The constant mindset of inequality clouding one's vision may result in shutting out areas which could bring that distance so much closer.

It is a give and take situation. We all take from the opposite gender what we don't have and give what we have. That's how we start to rely on each other and build that bond by sharing. I've always believed that the more you give, the more you get. It may not always be instantaneous, but results will show one day.

There's a reason why the world is round and love is a transaction, so as to speak. We market our strengths to obtain what we want. We bank on what we can offer, to get what we don't. Look beyond that person, so different yet so alike of you as an individual. Appreciate that individual's worthiness, cherish that individual's strengths, most importantly, step into that individual's skin once in awhile, to view the world through their eyes.

What are you looking for? Someone for you to love and cherish, someone who loves and cherishes you or simply someone who fits the bill?

An excerpt of what Errol once preached, "Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a noble thing, that no poor human can ever meet our vision. "

It may not be about love all the time, but deep down inside, about satisfying needs and wants.

Feel the rush

Feel the rush of guilt and anxiety, as the stranger locks gazes with you, a sense of unrecognition. You know something that he doesn't. Something that the dearest person of his did. Your gaze drops, and starts do dart around, searching the room for something, anything that seemingly is far more interesting, mentally urging your friends for support.

Heaving a sigh of relief as he moves away, into his familiarity. You turn away, put on that smile, and tell yourself everything will be fine.

Staring at him, whilst running through everything that was said in the head of yours, attempting to tie the tales with this display of facts right before you.

The step out of that self-confining cell proved to be right. Circumstances now does not allow the plot to unfold. In time to come, all shall be forgotten.

Boundaries were teased, limits were nudged, living on the edge may not always be the white area.

The old man at home.

My father - my dad.

Friends of mine would say I don't talk much of my dad.

I'd like to say that he's a man of few words, yet on the contrary, he can be so noisy he drives me nuts.

When I was just a little girl, and my brother was just a blob of fats lying in the cot, an incident that happened was imprinted in my memories. It wasn't that big a deal when I come to think of it now, but it was, then. My dad had to report for reservist on my birthday. For any little toddler, a birthday is when the world stops for you, and you alone, and so, I wailed and bawled, when my dad's world simply wouldn't stop for me.

During the first few years of my life, my dad was my fort - withstanding the storms, tsunamis, lightning, thunder and all creepy crawlies for me, most importantly, my mother.

As I grew older, the affections, in a way, tipped the scales to that of a lumpy blob of brother I had. Perhaps, my dad simply had no idea how to dote on his little girl. But, every time he came home, he came back with something nice for my brother, and none for me. Initially, I started to resent it, threw tantrums and all. In the long run, I got used to it and simply shut both eyes whenever it happened.

I grew up speaking english at home. My parents were english educated. My dad's Mandarin, to be honest, is pathetic. Yet he didn't give up trying. Everytime he learnt a new phrase, he'll pepper every single sentence he attempted in Mandarin with THAT particular phrase. I would always grimace at the sound of it.

He used to copy new words and their meanings from dictionaries on small pieces of paper so that he could learn them whilst he was on the road. His many attempts to share them with me didn't work out as well as he would have liked, yet, little to his knowledge, one particular word stuck to me all these years, only because he was always mentioning it.

I learnt the true meaning and usage in Literature in secondary school and amusingly, I fell in love with the word. That's the title of my blog - soliloquy.

He used to make me stay awake on buses to recognise road names. As everyone knows, it absolutely didn't work. I'm still the road idiot.

Now, at 21, my dad's no longer my fort. He's a friend at times, a dad at times, nonetheless, sometimes he still irritates the hell out of me, on purpose. Apparently, I'm still 7 to him, and it seems that it's going to stay that way. He still thinks I can't make my way round this island. Even now, he still thinks I took Mass Communications in polytechnic.

This old man I have at home, is turning old. I see the white hairs sticking out of his head, I see the wrinkles forming, I see the aches and pains he has now that he didn't use to have, but he's still that 30 year old man I knew all my life.

I admire his responsibility to this household, by being able to put up with my mother for so many years, for providing whatever he can for us, despite being almost jobless, for buying food that I like, and nagging at me whenever I finish it, for giving me the same trait he has - being sentimental, to all things, even inanimate objects.

He has his quirky thinking, like how he refused to repair our water heater for one month, and made us boil water to bathe, just to "let us have a feel of how it was like last time".

Sigh, this old man I have at home, does drive me nuts.

I did it!

Perseverance does pay off. After countless tries to perfect the art of falling in style, I did it! I managed to stand! Without even Cadence or Angel, but just the house board! That 2 times down half the length of the cable ski park was enough to make all the falls and bruises forgivable. Came back to a grinning Sham and Ikel and a big hug from Mike, such a pity the girl wasn''t there to see and only realised one hour late.

It doesn't matter, babe.

Many thanks, hugs and kisses to the girl, the guy, Long and Mike for my surprise birthday cake! Boy, am I glad it was Andy's actual birthday and not mine! It was hilarious and everyone there had great fun watching the man and the instigator, Mike, riding BUTT NAKED around the cable ski park. It did take a lot of persuasion and no doubt, beers to get that going.

The long wait for this day was worth it. My bruised ankles and torn blisters will heal.

But nothing, can replace the exhilaration of getting where you set out to go. Now, I can start planning for my Angel 130 complete with bindings, my vest and helmet by the end of the year!

The only problem is, how am I supposed to carry that almost 30kg of weight back from Batam?

Impossible is nothing.

We can then all look forward to the party, if it surfaces, after Mike's operation.

Somehow or rather, the injuries don't scare us a tiny bit. Seeing the determination the riders display, just makes you motivated to go out there even more. The busted knees, twisted ankles, bruised arms, aching necks, water clogged brains and missing noses, will not stop us.

All in all, I did prove Errol wrong, I tried my hardest and did it.

Without a pro board, with a loose helmet and a vest that constantly rides up.

We are all closet lesbians.

Ever had a song running continuously through your head whilst in the midst of something?

"Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you, just to have somebody by my side.And I don't want to hate you, I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry."

Not a catchy song, nor a hit in the charts, but a song that runs deeper than it seems. Deafening like a siren, of warning, of forebode, an omen of the worst sorts. Words of that melody do not fit seamlessly into the context, yet hinting of something far more explosive.

Do you plunge in it, regardless its depth, ignoring the disclaimer staring straight back at you?

Do you pause to think, or blame it on something that's totally within your control?

Is it for the thrill, or is it to prove the fact that you live only once?

No particular feelings to be pinpointed, no questions to be asked, no sequel to it, it will just be a one off thing. Don't bother asking me about it, cos it's worth nothing to those uninvolved.
When you feel the blood rushing to your head, and all you want to do is scream, not to be heard, but to bring your mind back to reality, it is time to do something about it.

Conscious enough to tell yourself to be otherwise, sober enough to tell yourself to blame the raging emotions on an inanimate object, sane enough to know what you're doing is wrong.

With these, one should know when to slap yourself. Hard.
Would the words mouthed, be an attempt to prevent a disaster on your side, or that of mine?
The flashbacks, haunting, forcing me to squirm and grimace. What do you actually do, when you started off with the right foot, and somehow in the process, you stumble and get on the wrong foot? Would you leave the path entirely, when that trip in the road is just a tiny aspect of it? Or would you make the best out of it, attempt to correct it, and act as per normal, like nothing has ever happened before?

It's not a reason for celebration. But, it has happened. It will lay buried, deep amongst the debris of the pumping organ inside of me.

Hold the judging and all, these are merely, a play of words. Form the image you perceive, will you, and hold on to that. It's all but part of your mind. Nothing's been said, nothing's been done.

The uncountable interpretations of it all, a mystery to us all.

I saw that playing in your head.

Despite the lack of sleep and overdose of toxins over the past few days, I awoke thoroughly rejuvenated. Ignoring the minor disappointments - not being able to get full attendence, I really have each and every one of my girls to thank for making it such a beautiful night.

A quiet afternoon, just catching up with Sufang, watching people go by, unfazed by the earlier downpour of T-rexes and killer whales. The air was quiet, with an odd sense of comfort and tranquility hanging in the atmosphere. Concerns were raised, questions answered, doubts were clarified, views were shared, just through that mere couple of hours, the distance between us shortened by non-quantitative measures.

Settlers' seemed to change the setting all together. We were seemingly brought back to secondary school days, where it was all more real and a lot more carefree-ness. The games took the lead weights that was weighing us down away. The laughter, took all unfamiliarity away from us.

That, made Wala Wala the perfect ending to sum up the entire night. One can only laugh in recognition of the familiar indecisiveness of ours. Taking a whole ten minutes and many queries shot at the Wala staff before we changed our minds to something that was staring at us straight in our faces. With that, Wala's menu was questioned down to the very last item.

At last, we've made our getaway plans somewhat concrete, the very first of ours, I pray not the last, but the start of many to come. No doubt a tiny one, it's still a baby step to what we've been trying so hard to accomplish.

Wrapping up the night with a miniature road trip, one that we can only long for, forever pending, forever planning, never concrete, I fell asleep, with a smile on my face with much appreciation, for the best 21st birthday gift I could ever receive...






And woke up late for work 4 hours later.


Someone who keeps my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground.

That's who I need.

That's who I want.

Going down memory lane

How time has flown.

Soulfood madhouse days

Chillout sessions with the Jing Jang Gang

I'm missing all of that. Nowadays work is swallowing us whole, not even bothering to spit out the bones and all. We all spend more time in office than anywhere else.

Further, it's exasperating how the gang is always not at full force this days, cos of work commitments at times, when one can only sigh and lament, yet charge head first into it.

Briefly went through my work schedule in my head earlier and now, I am craving so much for a day, just one, when I can just put everything down, and head for some quiet place where I can read in peace.

To fully immerse myself in that of another's world, to let go of everything momentarily, to feel someone else's pain, hurt, joy, thrills, fears and experiences.

I'm needing that.

It's time to step out of my skin, breathe the fresh air a little, fully experience the rush of emotions once again.

Classic moments.

Late night with the girls always bring us to questions we always have no answers for. Only hypothetical analysis we come up with, hand in hand with the benefits of doubt we try so hard to hold. At times, it's plain tough to hold fort, to get a firm grip on this ever changing backdrop we have behind us. Yet, we're doing fine my dears, with the occassional hiccups and hitches we come across, we're still a reason for celebration.

Like how on impulse I messaged Errol, we are all nothing without friends. As true to the word, we are what our past makes us out to be. We are like climbing plants, constantly searching, constantly trying to reach to higher areas, to touch the sky, to get to where we want.

Friends are the fences that assist us in doing so. They're our crutches. My support. I love every single one of them. In any event were I to die the next moment, one of my biggest regret would be not letting them know how much they mean to me.

I'm happy that we're all moving on together, albeit in different directions, but we are moving up.

Part of every single one of us is still like before, or at the very least, longing for what we used to be.

We still are. We can still be.

We are still 7 very different people coming together, complementing each other, being there for each other.

I stand true to this.

Guilty as charged.

At times, I do wonder if words being said or actions being done can be a true reflection of what he/she is thinking or feeling. Could it be, many a time, we're consciously or subconsciously masking some emotions within us, trying to show only the side we want the outside world or intended party to see? Do we know what we're doing? What is exactly on our minds when we go through this decision process?

I'm dumbfounded.

Definitely guilty as charged.

How can we demand another a true showcase of his/ her emotions and thoughts when we ourselves fail to deliver as such? Can we really do unto others how we would like to be treated?

No, we can't.

I don't deny there are times, times when we only realise what we're doing only after doing so. Hence, it's pretty much obvious that it's redundant to feel remorseful or repentant. Sorry is just a word by itself. It means nothing without the emotional tags that bind tightly to it if one truly means that apology.

It's tiring to guess. Exhausting in fact.

The constant reminders to ourselves to be truthful to ourselves are just literally sticking post-it notes all over the place without paying attention to it. What's the point?

The moral of the story is, it's your choice.

Regardless the situation, it's still your choice.

"I didn't have a choice!"

That is an excuse. A cover up for what you fail to admit.

Well, talk is cheap. We can say whatever we want and we won't get caught.

I do feel. I do see. I do listen. I do reminise.

But at the same time, the deafening truth prevails.

I have to turn the other way. I have to twist my words. I have to hear but not listen. I have to reminise without emotions.

As of now, the smile is the reward I give to myself.

The laughter an assurance.

The joy, a comfort.

My gorgeous new love.

My new love. Danny Harf. Cuteness redefined.

Someone pinch me please.

Sweet sweet sweet memories

When old friends get together, we'll reminise the good ol' days and have a good laugh about it. That was what we did over some horrible meal at Delifrance with Juan. Come to think of it, we've been friends for 12 years!

I recall the days in primary school, when we would be sitting along the corridor, playing five stones. Every single day, without fail. We'd gotten so good at it, we had to come up with ridiculous rules so as to make the game a tad more exciting. Until we got too bored with it, we moved on to Zero Point, got obsessed with it to the extent of playing at void decks after school ended. Not forgetting hopscotch, when even slabs of tiles in the parade ground became our playground during the short 20 minute recess break.

Remember our Moon Awards, where we combined classes to come up with a skit, so as to speak, for some assembly thing. It was hilarious! We even had the "celebrities" come up to give a short thank you speech. Our 鞋烧光 aka 谢韶光 was phenomenal. Unfortunately, I can't recall the rest of the names though.

Not forgetting our Mr Jumat bin Baba! Our beloved form teacher, who was a great teacher other than the times he made us eat chalk, get whacked by blackboard dusters, either on purpose, or if you got hit by accident, too bad too sad. We all remember Nicholas Tan, who always cried when he got scolded, Choon Guan, Juan's partner for a short while, who did not dare to sit down all cos he kept getting pinched by her, the lessons at the tiny "lecture room" behind the stage, when Jie Lun missed the first day of remedial lessons and when he got questioned why he didn't attend, all he said was "I went Fantasy Island with my family what."

That got him the nickname of Fantasy Island, with a few other people like, Victor, who was named Panadol and the list goes on.

Further, who can forget the food?! Rocket ice-cream, potato puffs, fried noodles, etc. The cheapest good food ever!

Head on to secondary school, greatest memories of the Jing Jang Gang, Mano, cheerleading, chilling out, bubble tea, takopachi, chicken mee, Pai Gu Mian, custard chicken, chilli fries, chicken rice, cup noodles and spaghetti!

Who can forget the hard work put in for the cheerleading finals, when we won 3rd?

Who can forget the countless remedial lessons we had to prepare us for the O Levels?

Who can forget the torturous Zhang HaiYan lessons, the horrible microphone and the time Evie poured super glue into the power socket?

Who can forget the performances our respective CCAs presented every single school function?

Who can forget the neverending practice sessions for the Singapore Youth Festivals?

Who can forget the skipping of classes?

Who can forget the breakfasts at Gombak Macdonalds?

Who can forget all these sweet sweet sweet memories?

We'll never find food like that, we can never behave like that, we simply are not 16 anymore.

Nonetheless, we still have fun our way. We still enjoy ourselves. We will still meet up over high tea with our husbands and kids in tow in future. We will still have days when we will let our hair down and just have loads and loads of fun.

Most importantly, we will still always be there for each other.

I'm fine.

Someone remind me to not be home any time before 10.

In any event that I have to, please just let there be peace.

That's all I ask for.

The rest are fine and manageable and dandy.

Just this. I'm up to my neck, scratch that, up to the top of the hairs on my head in all other stuff. Simply leaving me alone will suffice.

On a far fetched note, I'm itching to have water contact. It's going to be ONE whole month more!

All right, I'm done screaming. Back to being *ahem* prim and proper and paying attention to the Garfield blabbering in front of me.

Lil butterflies in my tummy.

Our obsessions are going way off.

With a new interest and getaway plan hovering our minds, we've got something to look forward up to 6 months down the road.

Scuba diving open water course cum Tioman getaway in March!

No doubt, our hobbies are getting more and more expensive. But the satisfaction and accomplishment - priceless. With the same interests and hobbies now, I suppose, our Energizer alter egos will surge us to even more fascinating and out of the world places and activities.

Saturday's picnic at the Wakeboarding World Cup is my drive for the week. After which, we'll be cruising event-less through October till my celebrations on the 28th! Words cannot justify how needed that is. Most probably a quick, short and much needed gasp in the next 2 months before I head down to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific conference and the girl's motoring show.

Perhaps, if all works out well, we'll manage to squeeze everyone into one room, and we can scream the walls down with our Jenga and poker cards!

After I get back, the girl and the editor in chief will be heading for Naga City, Philippines with their new (I foresee) PS3, vest, helmet, big bags and most importantly, barf bags to the Camarines Sur Ski Park. It'll be December before we know it!

To reward ourselves for our whole year of hardwork, tortures we had, emotional abuses, financial tortures, we shall reward ourselves to wakeboarding at Punggol! Well, we have to try sooner or later. Then we'll see if what Errol says is true.

For now, it's the firming up of plans for the 28th and March.

Our monthly makan sessions with the Super people are somehow working out just fine and dandy. Next Wednesday we'll let our hair and guards down once again!

Pls don't stop me from being excited!

bla bla bla

Today spells trouble.

It's so not going well. I can't wait for Garfield to go home and leave me to do my work in peace.

My head is throbbing.

Pardon me. I just need to scream. Don't mind me.

It just irks me. The voices. The noise. The ringing in my ears.

When I was young, I loved opening letters, jumping for joy every time I receive a letter. It definitely was once in a blue moon. I'd scramble to the letterbox every time, even if it was some brochure, as long as it was addressed to yours truly. With my name on it.

These days, I barely glance at the pile of letters with my name on it everyday. Sometimes, it stays there untouched for days, cos I know, the letters are evil. Evil to my pocket.

I reach home after all in a day, all I want to do is lie down in peace, complete silence, no talking. Just let me be for a while. I'll blabber the house down after that.

It's not a mood swing, I just need to do a quick run through of the day's events, get in touch with my emotions, batter myself up a little and I'm up and running.

I wonder, what I'm blabbering now. Excuse me please. I shall get back to my leaning tower of work.

yours truly

An insight on yours truly, through a personality quiz:

Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

How true? Well, scores pretty high on the scale for in terms of accuracy.

Getaway indulged.

This is what you call procrastinating. Almost 3 months since our getaway to Bangkok, the girl's virgin trip to Bangkok and our many misadventures, she finally sent me the photos!

Here goes!

Our first night in Bangkok!

2nd day at Chatuchak Weekend Market

We literally shopped till we dropped and couldn't move anymore. Went back to the hotel after and cam-whored a little, we were so exhausted we slept all the way till at night! We even gave up the idea of more shopping!

MBK, Siam Center, Siam Paragon, we conquered them all!

It was complete tai-tai's paradise in Siam Paragon. With absolutely nothing we could afford, we did what we did best! Window shopping and cam-whoring. Siam Paragon was simply breathtaking. No single mall in Singapore can beat it. Honestly.

Fashion runway

Indulged in local street hawker food, with a fashion show of our buys, we made a huge mess out of the hotel room. Had a hard time packing our lugguages, we almost had to sit on them in order to get them zipped up!

Well, when we packing our bags again?

Stimulation

Settler's is addictive.

We are exhausting the deck of cards for Taboo. Goodness! Not all ferries are called penguins!

It's a good thing though, bikinis and boards are physically stimulating and Settler's mind stimulating. It's a inside out and upside down entire body workout.

Sweet torture playing in the realm of my kingdom in the clouds.

Childhood relived

Last night was an unexpected twist of events. It turned out to be loads of fun, hand trembling, heart stopping and laughter!

Went for dinner with Errol at Holland V. I think he morphed into part Sham yesterday. I couldn't stop laughing on the way there and through dinner, even though the jokes were targetted at me. He made me walk so far to get to Holland V, even though I insisted the other route was shorter. Fine.

Coincidentally met Juan and Vinod there, and they instigated us to head for Settler's. Wasn't too keen on it at first cos the both of us were dead tired.

We were wrong. Proven wrong.

Despite the short 1 hour we had, we managed to squeeze in 2 games - Jenga and Taboo.

Jenga was heart stopping. All thanks to new found methods of playing, which Juan and I could not possibly attempt. The tower of bricks was twisted beyond recognition. For the very first time, 1 single round of Jenga can extend past half an hour. Yes, all thanks to our dear Errol, I was the one who toppled the tower. There was really no way out. We should have taken a picture!

Next up: Taboo

Now we know what's on every one's mind when given key words.

Anything small, tiny is a nipple to Vinod.

Juan's main ingredient in a hot dog bun is meat. She just couldn't get the word 'sausage' out.

That was so funny.

Anyway, you guys won cos we kept forgetting to turn the hourglass!

Indiosyncrasies

A night long of report writing and cleaning up crap work combined with barely 2 hours of sleep before head crashing into a mad day of work is not a good idea.

So not a good idea. Move clock hands, MOVE. Of course, using my subconscious self's lousy attempts to will the clock hands to move faster is NOT working.

I am about to raise the white flag and lie flat, ready to be trampled over by the garfield himself.

Caught a telecast of the news about the military coup in Thailand and my mood was dampened even before I place my foot into the carpeted floor of the office. More work. Great job, guys! As garfield says, better now, than before the elections.

Our Asia Pacific conference will be clashing head on with the elections in Thailand in November. Night before the elections and before you pen your vote, no alcohol to be consumed. Strictly no alcohol. By orders of the government. It's illegal to drink even a single drop of alcohol that night.

Absolute culture shock. That's understanding cross-cultural diversity.

Inability to focus, fuzzy eyesight, crazy blabberings and slight loss of hearing are preliminary symptoms of ineedtosleepnow andimeannow - a very scientific term for a serious sleep disorder.

No, I am not a hypochondriac. I think it's just one of my idiosyncrasies.

Dreams of cinamon sugared pretzels and late night movies

I'd turn back the clock 4 months back if I could, to redo all that happened. I shouldn't though, even if I could.

Yes, I shouldn't.

Words spoken can't be taken back. A tinge of regret for what was said, though perhaps, unfounded. I stopped feeling what I was supposed to feel. I stopped all that emotional abuse. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped hating, or should I say, I didn't really touched upon that.

Miles away, both physically, emotionally and mentally, the void is there to feel. The hurt, mellow and throbbing, underlying all the laughter. Nonetheless, the laughter, the happiness, the joys, the fun, these are all real. There's no reason for me to hide, no reason for me not to feel what I'm feeling.

This time round, I truly wish you the best, from the bottommest of my heart, and the toppertest of my tummy of course.

I do hope you see the pure honesty of this entry. This how I feel, free of all hate and hurt for now. It's not meant to persuade or convince.

"To the world, you may be one person. But to one person, you are his world."

Ditto to the quote you told me once, I will find that one person.

I love this feeling.

After 6 years of friendship, its astonishing to realise that my dear Xue Er and I have not been out, just the 2 of us alone before. Oh my, we'd better do more of this.

The heart to heart talk session became a laughing marathon between the 2 of us, on the verge of being drunk. All thanks to her. It was after my wakeboarding session, meaning, I was dead tired and not functioning. I couldn't even open my eyes properly halfway through conversation.

I came to a conclusion last night.

I love being in a relationship. Seriously. I love the feeling of having someone to whine to, someone to do things together, someone to hold, someone to keep me warm, someone to encourage me, someone for me to buy sweet little nothings for, someone to laugh with, the whole list just goes on forever.

I even like the ups and downs of it. I mean like, not love. Except, of course, the heartbreaks and phobias, the quarrels and breakups.

I absolutely love this feeling.



The flowers I received the other day. We'll share the flowers all right?

Remember my dear, regardless what time, I'll just be a message or call away. Unless I'm wakeboarding though, then the tender loving care will come a tad slower.

I am happy.

The long waddle home.

Saturday was fun, fun, fun and more fun! Though a slight lack of eye candy and a slight increase of show offs, it was fabulous.

Errol and his friend, Kelvin, joined us this time round and it was so amusing to see Kelvin's virgin wakeboarding experience at Batam, NOT wakeboarding, but wake-skiing. The "never give up" attitude of his is remarkable though. I'm impressed.

Bad news. I face planted again. Good news. I face planted further away from the start off point.
Great, I face plant so much, my neck's getting toned.

Is that something to rejoice for?

I'm aching so bad again. It feels like I got rolled over by a bulldozer or something.

Dear penguin subjects,

The next week's going to be the week we waddle everywhere. From home to work, to school or whatsoever.

In pain, in aches, a duct-taped ankle and red noses. Oh, and blistered palms. Armed with Osim massagers, we'll squirm our way through, till October 28th.

With lotsa love,
Penguin Princess

Whilst the long wait for the penguin shuttle back to homeland...

The girl with the duct-taped ankle.

He saved me from the evil wakeboard.

More pics when the girl gets motivated to upload. Probably in 2 months time.

A simple gesture, a touch to my heart.

Woke up crying today. Guess it was the effect of bottling too many emotions up for far too long. Finally, the dam gave way. It was much needed in a way. Started off the day with a musty breath of melancholy, looking forward so much to Saturday to get away from it all.

Just as I was wondering how to get over these 2 days before the arrival of Saturday, I got the shockest of all kinds of shock when my colleague walked over to my desk with a bouquet of roses! FOR ME! Furthermore, it's the really really dark red kind of roses that I like, delivered fresh from the florist!



Unbelievable, but it's the first time in my entire life that I've received flowers from anyone. Serious. Dead serious. As people ask, how can it be possible? Not even on Valentine's Day or any other occassions?

Yes, I repeat. Never.

I've always been a no-frills kind of person. Though highly appreciative of gestures of such sort, it's not a must have, or the kind where I would kick up a big fuss over. It's a bonus if there is, it's fine if there isn't. In fact, put away the exhilarating feeling of receiving flowers, I had always rather not receive flowers. Where to put? Where to hold? I rather have consistent sweet gestures, regardless how tiny, then to accumulate and put it into a bouquet or a gift and brush off putting in effort for the remaining 360 days.

Double standard, i agree. No doubt.

At times like this, a simple gesture can warm the coldest of all hearts. Even without the flowers, a nice message to remind a friend that you care and is on your mind, is enough. That alone, can bring a smile, and push away negative feelings, at least for the time being. Yet, some people, just don't bother or don't see the importance of it.

There are times, when a timely message, or a timely act of concern can save a life. It has happened. When you feel like messaging someone just to say you miss him/her, or just to say, take care, just do so. Don't hesitate. You really never know how much it means to that person. Trust me. Been there.

All in all, thank you very very very much to the guy who sent this bouquet to me, simply to cheer me up. It's so much much much appreciated! The sun somehow seems brighter now!

The sweet measure of success

Came across this chart just a couple of minutes ago, sparked off a fireworks display of thoughts and emotions.

The impact it had on me went straight pass my mind and hit me straight in the heart with a nail. We're all chasing what we want the wrong way. That's why, even if we get all the way up, we won't be happy. I'm not saying for all.

A very gentle and subtle yet piercing reminder of what I am trying to achieve and where am I headed. Passed by Ogilvy Center, where Ogilvy and Mather is housed, and the feeling was that of awe. Despite it being a Sunday, without the hustle and bustle of the people working in there, it still brought me to a standstill right at the doorstep.

The realisation that it's so near to us, and yet, still so far, was a luminous post-it note sticking out from Raffles Place, where it somehow, doesn't look like it belongs. We've been passing by this place time after time, without taking any notice of it. Perhaps, we were ignorant of the existence of Ogilvy and Mather. Perhaps, our destination then was different.

Now, it's no longer just a building. It's no longer just Ogilvy.

It's a dream. Somewhere we want to belong.

"Power is a quiet smile. It's knowing that no matter what, you can. It's understanding the value of friends; and having friends. It's the strength to hold on; and to let go. It's being fair in an unfair world. Power is being you. Power drives you. Then you drive it."

Wakeboarding frenzy

The girl just announced her going to Philippines, Naga City, for her wakeboarding mania with her wakeboarding maniac of a boyfriend. As usual, tempting me to go. "You want to go?" flooded our conversations last night.

Your guy always shocks me with his ideas. I thought I was hearing things. The next thing we know, he's already planning for Texas next year.

Last night was great. I think I ended up laughing in my sleep. All thanks to the !kung Bushmen and whatwashisname. He really gets entertained by me, doesn't he. I need to work on my Q&Q more.

This whole wakeboarding thing is making everyone nuts. I didn't think I would do sports, let alone, willingly and excitedly look forward to being in pain. As said before, we're sadists to the max. So many have laughed their way home upon hearing that I am going wakeboarding. I myself, is appalled.

Where our feet takes us.

It's true how you said it, both of us have said words or done things that have make things forever scarred. I'm not pointing fingers now. I wrote what was written in angst, it wasn't meant to come off as a personal attack, but it was what I felt then and there. I didn't think that much about it, just to let out what I thought and wanted to say.

Likewise for you, did you think of how I would feel when you did all you did and said all you said? Sorry doesn't count for any thing more in our context. What I said in that 1 mere entry doesn't justify or account for all that you've said to me and done to me.

Since saying all these to you are useless, as per your words, I shan't say much, but what I feel. What was said may not be pleasing to you, but what was done cannot be undone. I doubt you are thinking of me in a good light now either.

Thank you for thinking of me, and missing me. Maybe there's truth in your words, the reason's not mine to speak.

You've gotten me all wrong, like you said I've gotten you all wrong. Yet, this misunderstanding is here to stay.

With all that's said, we'll go where our feet takes us, whether you choose to go in angst, or whichever other way.

Being nice doesn't change anyone.

Eve's right. I've got to learn my lesson. Being nice doesn't change anyone. It's just shortchanging myself. Some people just don't deserve the chance, nor any goodwill for that matter.

I've had a lot of chances to learn, chances pushed up my face, chances served to me on a nice platter with garnishes. I have learnt now. Yes, Errol was right, Farena was right, Eve's right, I need to learn. I will and I have.

It's true that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. What makes you stronger, makes you harder to kill.

Friday night with my Jing Jang girls. We went on a sashimi eating frenzy. Swept up plate after plate after plate. Stuffed ourselves silly while laughing our heads off. Initial plan was Alleybar after dinner. Turned out a tad too packed for comfort. Settled for Ice Cold Beer and we were all cosy and nice. The updates and stories started to come in too.

We practically hogged and tortured the waiter into taking endless photos of us, criticising his every shot. Then again, they really were horrendous.

Warped.

No words can describe you. It's all just a matter of time. You don't deserve what you have cos you don't treasure any of that bliss. You think you have everything, but in fact, you have nothing at all.

You're just a shell. An empty shell. With nothing inside of you.

Treasure what you have now, with all your might, cos they all don't belong to you, and it's going to go to where they belong. Wait and see.

Step out of this picture and I want to laugh. It's a huge joke. So are you. You've nothing to envy for, you've nothing for me to lust for, you've nothing for me, or anything to offer.

Congratulate me quick, cos you mean nothing now. Stop the attempts to victimise yourself. Stop the attempts to make me quiver in my stand. They will just make me want to laugh.

I look over my shoulder, I see you defeated. This you don't see, or refuse to see. You don't love yourself a single bit, you don't appreciate it all, you're just trying so hard to be, someone you'll never be.

It's like having the most beautiful and biggest house to boast, until you step inside, you realise it's all of rotten wood and weak foundation.

Not saying I've got it all, but I've got what you don't. Self respect and my values, a heart and a mind of my own. Not one that's manipulated by riches, beauty and all things superficial. You can remain warped for all I care.

Go somewhere to butter your own ego and live in your own pretense.

My Disney world.

We looked far ahead when we were young. We yearned to soar.

In school, we wrote compositions on "My ambition", "What I want to be when I grow up?", it all varied not far from that line. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, psychologists, policemen, were repetitions down the list.

With so much energy, youth and dreams inside of us, yet so little knowledge of how the world is like, we could foresee ourselves to be anything, anyone we wanted to be. It wasn't hard. We could fly around the universe, swam all the way to America if we liked, and no one would have reminded or informed us that it wasn't practical, or it was a near impossible feat. That's the way it is, everyone subconsciously protects the child's mind to think simple thoughts, to block out the harsh daggers of reality.

We had things simple then. We tried to make things complicated and exciting.


Fast forward fifteen years. That's all you need. Things change.

Gone are the energy, the zest, the bounce in our footsteps, the pure innocence, the gleam in our eyes, the "I can be what I want to be" attitude. In place, are the feelings and thoughts we are oh so familiar with.

Things become complicated.

More factors coming into the equation, forming simultaneous equations, then integration and differentiation starts forcing its way through. You do the math. A thousand and one more commitments and responsibilities. From now on, you're responsible for your own future. Every single step we take, is answerable not only to ourselves.

We worked so hard, spent over a decade or two in schools, only to push ourselves into this bottomless pit, and we start asking ourselves, "Is this what I really want?"

If you can say yes without a single regret or doubt running across your mind, please give yourself a pat on the back, a round of applause and I would give you a trophy if I could. Undeniably, many a times, we don't get where we want to be, or set foot on where we had planned to be.

We see the friends around us, those friends whom you know since primary school, and still counting. You ask the IT specialist, "Hey, didn't you want to be a doctor?". Deja vu hits you right smack in the face. No, you didn't see this coming when you were ten.

On the backend program called "Relationships" running in your life, it sometimes become another entity altogether. Ideal scenario would be for the backend program to support your frontend, and work together seamlessly. Time to wake up and get your feet flat on the ground. Feel the cold cement floor.

Enough said. One just has to pray, that your entire system doesn't raise the white flag and crash altogether.

We started off simple. We made it complicated.

We got it complicated. We want it simple now.

Recall the time we learnt about irreversible changes? There. A whole new perspective away from burnt sugar and cooked eggs.

From 峨眉山 to 武当山 we go.

The meetup with the poly girls yesterday was a flashback to poly days.

Ignoring the initial frustration of us 4 road idiots, trying to find our way to Club Street, it all turned out well. Weaved in and out of Raffles Place, trying to get our bearings right. Well, we used to *ahem* get lost in SP too.

Poly days went past in a flash, can't remember much about it. We were always busy doing projects after projects, presentations after presentations, skipping classes and rushing off to work.

Remember the 峨眉山 that tortured us?

Remember the few lessons we had at 武当山. From 峨眉山 we had to travel so far, up and down the mountain to 武当山?

Remember how we had to climb over the gate to get home, cos we stayed in school to do our project past 11pm.?

Remember how it was always a frantic rush to print out projects at the very last minute and we could never find a computer somehow?

Remember how we were always pissing off lecturers?

Remember how we missed every single E-Commerce lecture, except for the very last one when he said he'd give us exam tips, and the lecture hall was overflowing with people?

The list goes on and on.

3 years in poly, I went in without a friend, and came out with lots. Did tons of projects, some meant to wow, some flopped, quarrels with project mates, dramatic project discussions...

1 year after we graduate, 9 months since we last saw each other, I realise, most of us haven't really changed.

The one with the star dreams, still with the star dreams.
The one with the glitz and blings, still with the glitz and blings.
The one who's quiet and all, still quiet and all.
The one who's always missing, is still missing.
The one who's always grumbling, is still always grumbling.

It's a pity we all were too tired to bring the night further, but the pizzas were good, I think the wine did us all in though. We should thank Alvin for it.

Next up: Dinner cum bitching session with the fussy bitch and Ben.

I don't like it when my plans get changed when I'm so looking forward to it.

I really don't like it.

My kind of wonderful.

It's a season of catching up.

Met up with doris yesterday, tomorrow's dinner date with the poly mates, Thursday's the monthly meetup with the ex-colleagues, Friday's the night for my girls.

This guy I knew from way back in secondary school, we talked through the then very popular IRC chatroom. We clicked, we talked, but only in IRC but we both knew who the other was in real life. In reality, he and I were of different cliques, there was totally no way we could have crossed paths. It's the kind when friends would ask, "How on earth did you know him?".

As we moved on, we lost contact for quite a number of years. Caught up recently, how I do not remember. It's funny how gone one big round, and still end up talking to each other only online. I've bumped into him once while on my first date, but I didn't dare acknowledge cos I didn't think he'd remember me. Apparently, I've changed since secondary school.

Dropped him a message soon after, only to realise, he recognised me.

We still haven't met up or bumped into each other since then. Perhaps, soon.

It's really odd how things work out to be, when someone who's close, yet you really don't know the person, becomes your confidante, someone you'd message when you can't get to sleep.

It's odd how we could get back in contact, after totally losing contact for years.

It's odd, how things are meant to be.

Is there really truth, in friends forever, as we used to write in each other's autograph books?

The ultimate sadistic addiction.

The day we were supposed to fall in style came and left in a whizz. But we were far from falling in style. We fell flat on our faces, not once, not twice, I fell till I was all water clogged, felt like my brain was swimming in water.

The ferry ride was a lazy picnic on board while being amazed by geographical sights.





How we tortured and mangled our poor bodies.

The recuperation and bonding time..







It was fun. It was an escape. To do something totally un-me. To be somewhere we restore our sanity. To balance our lives.

Most importantly, to bring out the Energizer and Duracell bunny in us.

Now, to recover from the bruises, sprains, aches and miscellaneous injuries.

Yes, we're all sadists. We enjoy tormenting our poor bodies.

Stronger...than yesterday

"Only when you hit the lows, then you can start to reach the highs, and appreciate the highs, cos you've been rock bottom before."

Many of such philosophical idealogy, we all know somewhere, somehow, somewhat. It's the practical aspect. Things will go down, definitely, at some point in time. Sometimes, you just can't be bothered with it.

This post has no relevance to whatsoever or anyone in particular. It's just something that sparked off after a conversation with a girlfriend.

Likewise, no matter how high the frequency of the highs and lows, it ultimately still becomes monotonous, a routine by itself. By which, either you travel along with the ups and downs, getting all dizzy, confused and disoriented, or you take a step back, find the pattern, and find a way to work things out around it.

When things spin out of control, take a breather, settle any uncertainties, before pushing on. You may think you've got the worst luck ever, but there's always people who are worst off than you. Definitely.

There has to be a ceiling to which one wants to achieve, or you'll never be satisfied, or truly happy. Spend your life trying to hit that ceiling when all you ever do is constantly push it further up.

You, me, him, her, we're all different, what we see, what we think, what we feel, how we're affected, how we handle things, it's just impossible to be the same. Strive to celebrate the differences and not compare and try to push others down.

Well, then again, there are just too many grey areas.

Once again, we fall, we learn. I'm definitely stronger than yesterday. I'm grateful for that.

Next 2 weeks of loneliness

Last night's dinner with Errol did me good. Affirmed my stand and decision, reassured that this is the right way to go. I enjoyed myself, though I was dead tired and so was he I believe.

On another page, realised how we can take for granted someone who's always there. Until the day that he/she is gone, then you start appreciating the things that they do for you and how much their presence means.

No one to cheer me up with stupid songs and ridiculous jokes after a day's work.

No one to irritate the hell out of me.

No one for me to bitch to at night.

No one for me to.....whatever I feel like doing to him.

Thank goodness it's only for the next 2 weeks! I'll miss him.

Absolut Obsession

Yes dear, I fell into your temptation trap. Thank you very much for that. Thank you for making me nuts about the boards even before I start the entire thing! Come to think of it, you're absolutely right! Allan will prolly laugh his head off if he hears of this! Me? Cable-skiing???

For 2 years, he couldn't even get me to go cycling! We'll see!

With exams coming up, we really have to stop tempting each other this way! I wonder when would I have the time to recuperate, with all these stuff going on. Come the following week, we'll make sure we stay grounded at Macdonald's, armed with your milkshakes and my hot fudge sundaes, rooted at our seats, cramming all the lectures into our brains.

Thereafter, by the end of next month, we'll fill up the form for admission into IMH together all right?

"Double beds with vodka ruby red on the side pls! Thank you!"

There comes the dreaded October, when our days of soya will be further enforced. No more polar, no more hot fudge cravings, no more cheeseburgers, no more nuggets! We can grit our teeth and make it through this.

November, with your motor show and my Asia Pacific conference coming up, we'll be pulling our hair out once again!

Then, as the year draws to a close, we can look back and smile at what we've achieved.

Smile for old times' sake.

There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing no poor human can ever meet our vision.

But for the most parts, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish.". Most importantly, sometimes, love doesn't mean you have to be together.

I thought long and hard about the words. Dear Errol said I read too much into it. I still am. But I do agree, and so far it's been so for me, that love to me, is a recognition. Saying the words "I love you" don't mean anything to me, until the day I look at the person sleeping and smile, feeling the urge to stop time there and then, the urge to snuggle in the person's arms.

When I want the best for him, and I'd go out of the way to make him happy, when I smile at his messages, when he's the first person I want to see after a day's work, when he's the first person I call when something happy or sad happened, I know, I can safely say, "I love you" and mean it with all my heart.

This has happened on both occassions. But, I guess things just wasn't meant to be. I can't force things to turn out the way I want it. Cos I've learnt. I respect your choice, your chosen path. Things don't always happen the way I want it, but, que sera sera.

Closed cases reopened.

There are times when I can't believe myself. I wonder if I'm sitting on my brain or something or it's malfunctioning.

It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.

The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.

History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.

Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.

What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.

In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.

Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.

I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.

I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.

I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.

Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?

"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."

I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.

The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.

Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.

I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.

An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.

Self respect

Tell me how to go on.

It feels like a repeat telecast of what I went through. Should I believe in your words and push on, or should I prevent myself from going through shit again?

I'm clueless. You aren't helping at all.

I'd learn how to say thank you in the language you know.

A HUGE misunderstanding sparked off this post. HUMONGOUS. Thank goodness everything's been clarified now.

I've talked about my maternal grandparents cos I'm closer to them, meaning I know more about them.

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 1, as far as I can remember. Time spent with them were short. They didn't stay in a fixed place, nor did we have a fixed day that we visit them. They would stay a short while at each of their 6 children's places, and would rotate around.

I can barely recall how it was like. I do remember dreading them coming over to stay. I used to feel that they were disrupting our normal lives and it was so awkward having them around. Perhaps, I've always dreaded talking to my grandmother, not cos I don't like or love her, but because of our inability to communicate. I guess everytime I see her, I'd feel really guilty as to why I can't talk to her more. Furthermore, she was more than 70% deaf and wore hearing aids. I had to shout everytime I wanted to say something to her.

However, these routines stopped after my grandfather passed away. Ever since then, I only see her once or twice a year, not more than 6 hours each time, not more than 10 sentences exchanged.

Now, she's more than 90% deaf and the hearing aids don't work anymore.

The last time I visited her in hospital was the time she had a stroke. My dad loves her a lot. He loves tormenting us with the repeats of his childhood stories, to the extent we'd know exactly what he'd say next.

My grandfather and grandmother were so different.

She's a China-born teochew, who speaks nothing but pure "China" teochew.

He's english speaking.

I loved my grandfather. He has always remained someone special even though I don't recall much about him. He made toys for us. He doted on me. I'd love to write more, but that's all I remember. Yet, till date, I still remember how he looked, how he sounded like, how he sat in his favourite chair in my house and how he looked like lying peacefully in the coffin. I remember how his funeral was like, where it was held, the bonding we had with our cousins, how it was the first time someone close to me passed away. I remember my brother giggling when everyone else was crying when my grandfather's coffin was pushed in to be cremated. He was just barely 4 years old then. I remember being solemn, only because I had no slightest idea what was going on.

Yes, the toys are still around. So is the chair. My dad will never throw it away despite it being extremely uncomfortable. I still get reminded of them everytime I sit on the chair, and everytime I use the washroom in the kitchen.

If he was still alive today, I'd like to believe, I would tell him lots, in English, cos that was the only language he would speak to me. I doubt he'll still be making toys for me, but come to think of it, he'd be very old. He was 71 when he passed away, which would make him 86 this year.

My grandmother, almost 90 this year I suppose, was always shuffling around the house during Chinese New Year's whoever's house she was staying at then. She would shuffle around and make it a point to talk to every one of her children, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren. Somehow, I doubt anyone appreciate her efforts, but she was always smiling from ear to ear on that day, toothless.

I guess in a way, she's considered to have had a good life. 6 sons, 1 daughter, 13 grandchildren, 1 great-granddaughter, with 2 granddaughters and 1 grandson married.

I wonder how is it like to be living in a world of silence. When you see everyone you love, but you can't hear what they're saying. You see their lips move, but no sound comes out of it. You speak, but not many understand.

I wonder, if you've ever heard my voice.

Don't quit

I feel like the people in the Gatorade advertisement.

I will go on.

I will not give up.

I will make myself cope regardless whatever comes. Even if I have to survive on bread and cup noodles everyday for the next 21 months.

Just let me bitch about it once in a while. Oh yes, the chocolates are a must. Dark preferred.

Don't Quit


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

Author Unknown

A teacher gave this to us when I was in Secondary 2. I've kept it in my cupboard since then.

It all makes perfect sense now.

Back to work now.

Famous Amos.

Famous Amos called me out of the blue that day when I was waiting for Ling. I thought he had called the wrong number as we haven't been contacting since Soulfood days, which was like 1 year ago? Even when I messaged him regarding Jindu auntie's wake he was nonchalent bout it.

I absolutely had no single bit of idea what he could be calling me for. Then I knew. He demanded to know why I didn't tell him when I broke up with Allan. That left me baffled. He isn't in my close circle of friends, nor one of my good friends, he's just an...ex-colleague? I was even avoiding him in Soulfood. What is wrong with this person? Do I have to broadcast my breakup to everyone?

"But I'm not everyone what. Remember before I left Soulfood, I told you no matter when you break up with Allan, tell me."

I was stumped. Dumbfounded and dying to end the call, cos knowing him, I'll probably be tearing my hair out of my head even before the conversation ends. Out of courtesy and "old times' sake", so as to speak, I carried on the conversation despite being extremely confused. 1001 possibilities was running through my mind to what he exactly wanted.

I think we spent half an hour debating to why I had to tell him when I broke up with Allan and why I had another boyfriend. As it always have been, its exhausting to talk to Amos. No, not talk. Baby talk.

He wanted requested me to go home earlier to talk to him. Leave my friends to go home earlier? FOR HIM?

Some people just don't change. Never will.

I love you. You love me. We are happy family.

The goodbye hug last night was oddly foreign, yet surprisingly comforting in a way, considering it used to be part of our routine. Somehow, we dropped it along the way. I never thought much about this actions cos we were so comfortable with it, it came without much thought.

After such a long absence of this simple action, I start to realise the significance of the sense of touch. It doesn't really take much effort to do it, why haven't we been doing so?

I walked away, with a warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my tummy.

I need a hug now. A gigantic one.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

As the girl and I were talking over polar cafe chicken pies for lunch in class yesterday, we were so amazed that we actually woke up so early to go for class on a Sunday, when we didn't even go for weekday afternoon classes in poly!

How we have changed...

It used to be school being a drag and we would skip lessons to go to work earlier. Yet, we couldn't care less if we turned up an hour late for class. Work was an escape. Work was fun. We could leave our brains at home and come to work as bimbos, things would still work out fine. Everyone were so used to seeing us almost everyday, be it the security guards, the weirdo scientists, the moovellous people, the construction workers who asked for "pipes" when they wanted straws, people seeing me run up the slope panting at 6.55am so that I wouldn't get piercing stares from the stall owners.

Fast forward 3 years, we would now leave work early to go to school on time. We actually wake up early on weekends to attend 7 hour seminars and the thought of leaving halfway never once crossed our minds. Not only are we physically there, our minds are there with us too! Now, school is an escape from the burdening work load we get everyday.

Chapter closed.

Well, well, well, I'm happy sitting here with dark chocolates in hand and someone to sing to me at night. Still, a gigantic bolster now for me to curl up to sleep would be really nice.

I'm one satisfied customer.

constant state of cognitive dissonance

Karma does befall.

Not that I didn't believe in it before. But it happened, right before my very eyes.

What I learnt today:

The hierachy of common effects model

Awareness

Perception

Acceptance

Action

Loyalty


Upon action, it brings about a state of cognitive dissonance, whereby we start doubting our actions, asking things like "Did I make the right decision?", then upon which, comes the interferance of competitors. This is the time when competitors are able to make their way in and join in the fun, so as to speak.

There's a parallel similarity between this model and that of dating, if you take the time to realise it. At the point of loyalty (read: commitment), one starts asking "Did I make the right choice?". Ta dah! Competitors start inching in, and the comparison comes in.

We're constantly in the state of cognitive dissonance. Reassurance and some form of guarantee is needed to manouver the heart the right way. Only then, can there be loyalty and low social risk.

We are consumer durables. High social risk. High financial risk.

That of Juliet, and her Romeo.

Recalling how I felt while watching Romeo and Juliet, the Leonardo and Claire Danes version, in Bangkok, it's actually kind of well....interesting.

I've actually watched Romeo and Juliet tons of times, be it the 1952 version, the men in tights, the one with the nice song while they were dancing, the black and white version. After approximately 6 - 7 years, its surprising how different I feel when watching the movie. Put them side by side, and you get the before and after picture of me, perspective wise that is.

When I was doing Romeo and Juliet as my literature text in Secondary 3, I'd be in a dreamy state, as though Romeo and Juliet was truly the greatest love story. Ever. The things they do for each other, the buried and textured connotations of Shakespeare, made everything into a lovely package, beautified by my idea of love then.

That was the kind of romance and love story that we longed for, or rather the fairytale, happily ever after kind of romance.

At this time and age, deep down inside of me, I believe I'm still hoping for such romance, not in that elaborate sense, but more of sticking together, working things out together, smoothening the rough road ahead together, without the frills of today's romance, to state it in a more subtle manner, the complications and confusions of principles, beliefs and views in terms of relationships.

The idea of relationships have somewhat become warped and twisted to the extent that there isn't the sense of commitment and sense of desire to keep things strong. Relationships now, aren't what they used to be. Everyone knows this. It's just that no one wants to keep it that way.

Now, not only there isn't "forever", tomorrow is also an uncertainty. It has evolved in such a manner that we live for today. Or rather the moment, cos what's happening now, may not be the same at the end of the day.

My idea of it is after a long day at work, I can't wait to go back and meet my guy. Get a huge smile from him and it melts away the day's fatigue, weariness and "sufferings". He's my source of comfort, my pillar of strength, my fort, basically, I'll need him and I hope it's the same way for him.

It's understood we both have work, we both have other commitments, friends, family whatsoever. We're not connected at the hips, but in our minds, to a certain extent.

Watching Romeo and Juliet now, brings about doubts about the feelings they had for each other. These had been and were issues brought up during Literature lessons then, but it was all for the name of exams then.

Juliet was 13 and Romeo 15. How was it possible that their feelings for each other were strong enough to want to die for each other? Put it in the modern day context, at 13 years of age we'd highly possibly still have beautiful imageries of how love is to be, the "till death do us part" analogy.

I'm dubious how firm the foundation of modern day romances are. As much as I want a simple and heartwarming relationship, I'm caught in the confusion and web of how the perceptions of love is now.

Perhaps, we succumb too much to temptations and are not able to hold our own fort. Perhaps, we're too bogged down by other commitments to be able to commit our hearts.
Perhaps, we're too caught up in wanting the "perfect" partner, we fail to cherish everything else.
Perhaps, with raised expectations the opposite gender has for us, we raise expectations of our partners too. Thus, we can never satisfy our partners the way we would like to, all because we all have an definite idea of how our partners should be. We try too hard to fit our "potential" partners into this mould we have in our heads, and we're coerced by our environment to be perfectionists, we cannot accept the bits of our partners that fall out of the mould.

In the process, we forgot the idea of love, is to love and cherish the person for who he or she is.

We judge others, but we're judged by others too.

Romeo and Juliet isn't anything more than a reflection of how we really want our romances to be. Its the innermost and most innocent idealogy of love when love can change everything and go against all odds.