You make me laugh.

I was looking forward to next year's road trip, to the extent I can't wait for it to be here. Then plans were almost made to rest, and we made plans on our own. I got excited again, so excited I planned a long list of villas I shortlisted for you to choose, where we'll have a couple of days to ourselves. Albeit it being literally a couple of days, I was a happy girl.

I haven't had the chance to show you the list, now plans for the road trip seem to be back in place. Don't get me wrong, I still want the road trip, it'll be fun I know, cos going anywhere with you would do. Perhaps I don't quite like my plans being shuffled all over the place, and it's tiring to get anxious, then disappointed, then anxious all over again.

Thinking through, it could also be because, I really want a holiday. Our last real trip was in April, if I remember correctly. Any one that's coming up would do, yet either one's not happening anytime soon. I'm not bored of the routine, I just need somewhere to escape, and live someone else's life just for a teenie weenie while. Or, maybe, it could be that I'm too envious of everyone else taking leave and going on a holiday.



July's a good 7 months away, and that's too long. I may just wilt and wither away into nothingness. It's too many days to count down till then, too many pending confirmations, for me to start anyway.

Having said that, I've never been more convinced, how much I enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Slowing the pace to almost a stop, after a week of hustle and bustle. Either that, or I'm simply too lazy to move my butt anywhere.

All I want to say right now is, you make me happy and make me want to run into the wall headfirst, all at the very same time. You're amazing.....and amazingly irritating.

Losing someone dear.

Just came back from a wake, the wake of a granduncle my family visits once a year. The level of hierachy of the granduncles and grandaunties is rather misleading. He was 61. The story is that he had just went for a medical checkup and he was given a clean bill of health. Things were looking well, with lowered cholestrol level, yada yada, in short, he was healthy for his age. Not long after, he was out playing pool, and he didn't feel good, and passed away of an alleged heart attack.

I wasn't affected by his departure. What hit me was, how was his wife taking it? They portrayed the emotions not that of a lovey-dovey, can't live without each other kind of couple, but more of a comfort zone and support each was to the other. It left me thinking.

What happens when one's partner/significant other departs? What kind of emotions will the living partner experience? I tried to imagine myself in those shoes, it left a bitter feeling in my mouth.

Naively, or perhaps, deludingly, I've always "wanted" myself to leave before my partner and everyone close to me does. On the hindsight, it's a rather selfish thought. I didn't want to feel the sorrow, to go through the process of hurting, and being left behind, losing someone I love, I didn't want the pain and I didn't want to feel the loss.

Of course, these things aren't left to us to decide. Fortunately, or unfortunately.

I'm humongously tired, and I don't know how to continue. I want to crawl into my boyfriend's arms to sleep, but, he's not here, he's...2 days away.

Here I am, doing all I can to make Friday happen, I'm working so hard to do nothing. All I want to do is sleep, laze and repeat that process till the day ends.

Today marks the day I sign on the dotted line.




No, I did not just get married. I signed up to be a member of Planet Fitness. I know it's no big deal, well, it is a BIG deal for me. Me, who never exercised, failed every single one of my NAPFA tests, has just spent $800 and committed 1 year to that club. I wonder what came over me.

I lost my train of thoughts. I'm out. Bye.

It's just about the same

I like to sit alone amidst bustling crowds.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.
I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.

Posted about 2 years ago, seems to me, nothing much has changed.

The things I put myself through, and bash myself up for

There are certain things I do that leave myself bewildered. Actions that repeatedly tell myself not to do, but I still do anyway, and then the vicious cycle continues, and sigh, I wonder why.

Classic example, like today, my dearest boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go watch him play soccer. The following thought process will then proceed to run through my head: I don't get to see him much, what harm would it be if I just go down to watch him play, I just want to spend time together with him.

When I'm there, we don't talk, he doesn't even look at me, I get irritated cos I go all the way there to watch him play and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence, I remind myself not to come the next time, I get even more irritated cos he's going to spend all the Sundays in the entire month of September playing soccer, which effectively leaves a couple of hours I'll see him a week, excluding half the Saturday we spend sleeping like there's no tomorrow. It probably will be even less considering the number of events I have in September.

I spend half my journey home feeling pissed cos he didn't even bother saying hi, one-quarter of it feeling worried that he's in pain, the remaining quarter thinking that since he wanted to play, he shouldn't be complaining. Following which, I send myself into the vicious cycle again, telling myself I will NOT attend any of the Sunday games cos I'd end up feeling like I wasted my time, and pissed and upset cos I'm of less importance than the idiotic ball. In the end, I get pissed at myself for knowing that ultimately, I'll still go, and that I'm unable to stick to what I initially planned to do - which is humiliatingly upsetting to come to terms with.

Most of the time, I can't decide if I'm more pissed at myself cos I would put in effort to not dress too sloppily so that he wouldn't 'lose face' in front of his colleagues. While the feelings build up, I start to feel silly for even bothering cos I'm not introduced anyway. It probably wouldn't matter if I turned up in an old, raggy t-shirt and ratty shorts. Then again, I'd be too embarrassed about myself.

Once again, I tell myself, I shall leave him alone and spend my Sunday at home in peace, and let him miss me for a little bit. Oh, shut up Sheena.

I'm out.

I shall be materialistic for a little while, and indulge my bimbo alter ego for a bit.

Stacy and I were drooling over these heart-melting beauties from Tiffany's today...




Then I found this gorgeous darlings along the way....




Oh well, that's all for now while I escape my fantasies and step right back into the real world, just in time to head into lalala land. I'll never bring myself to spend that kind of money on such stuff. I know, it's not much, to some. But I just CAN"T.

I'm tired. Exhausted, mentally and physically. I suppose loving the job makes me go on without any, I mean, less complains. 6 months into it, and loving every single moment of it. The only problem, I'm losing track of my stuff, burning out, I can't write, cos I'm too tired, I need my break soon, even if it's just a day, so be it.

Why can't I get the day of LIFE's indulgences? I want.

It's a disappointing fact. One not of an emotion, nor of a guess, nor of anything hypothethical. It is the blatant truth, at least what it appears to me, or rather what you display of.



No doubt, it may be the cold hard truth that we all have grown up, we've made progress in each of our own paths in life, walking further away from each other. I don't disagree. Yet, at the same time, effort is required to somehow tie and interlink each path together.



No longer are you that shoulder to lean on, that person to go to in times of need. Perhaps, priorities have changed. Perhaps, you're in your happy place you choose to void yourself of your past. It's okay, it really is. It's your choice and you have that due respect for your decision.

I don't want to have to keep chasing after your tail, or to remind you of my existence. It's your call, you'll be here cos you want to, and if you're not, at least, I know it's not cos I didn't put in my fair share. Albeit all the reasoning I try to fit into the context, they all turn out to be excuses and I don't want to have to do that just to make myself feel better anymore.

When you need me, or us, I'll still be here and I guess, so will we. It's ultimately your choice, in every turn and every bend. Here's wishing you all the best, from the bottomest of my heart, wherever I am, and wherever you go.

My magic carpet ride turned rollercoaster ride.

I had a sudden realisation some time last week.

A sudden surge of determination that was propelled by the realisation that I've never regretted being with him and falling in love with him all these while. Even if sometimes it hurts so bad that it feels like a tractor ran me over, three times round. In the oddest way, it felt good, it was uplifting. It made me feel like I've gotten an answer to a persistant question in my head for which was left unanswered for the longest time.

Having this relatively powerful thought in my head made the doubts and insecurities ridiculously irrelevant. The rollercoaster ride was a test of my faith, a test of my strength, and not forgetting, a test of how much I wanted this. It was a 90 degree drop off the cliff, which then led to a rebound of the bungee rope, pushing you 90 degree up, then down the cliff, and here we go again.

Indeed, the mind is a powerful tool. A tool that can destruct or motivate you.

Not forgetting, my belief that a relationship isn't about two people was further emphasized. There are many factors, and many other stakeholders in a relationship. And, the number can increase or decrease depending on how many you allow in. It is a choice. Yet, at the same time, it's a choice that often, you have little or no control over.

Circumstances and changes vary in a relationship, making it the only constant. How true, and how oxymoronic. I don't expect everything to remain the same in a relationship. Coming to think about it, it'll be rather boring if they do. Things change, environment change, people change, people that affect us change, situations change, feelings change, mindsets change, authority changes, there are too many things that can change and different combinations spell a different outcome altogether.

To a certain extent, at least in my view, a couple should be each other's pillar of support, with only one main pillar at a time. They each take turns to lean on each other, to be the stronger one in the relationship. When things change, both are affected, whether they like it a not. They are separate yet correlated entities. It isn't easy to be able to trust and let yourself go entirely to lean on that someone, which is even more so if you have been disappointed before. It's a game of trust. You have to learn to trust your partner enough to completely let him/her catch you when you fall. And your partner has to know and work together with you to know when you are falling and you need someone to be there.

Perhaps, it requires practice. I beg to differ, not entirely, but it's not as simple. It takes practice, effort, and faith. The outcome wouldn't be the same if one gives trust completely and falls, trusting that the partner will catch him/her, yet the partner doesn't put in the effort to work with you to time the catch. You fall flat, and you fall hard.

I've learned once again, to take myself out of the relationship once in awhile, and to not blame him for everything. At times when you're seeing yourself as someone else, you can learn a lot more about yourself and it could mean that you learn that you are quite a bitch.

It was a really bad two weeks, those who know knows, how bad it was. I was literally clinging onto every single bit of support I had.

Within the span of the 2 weeks, I drifted from being in self-denial to resentment, from resentment to realization, with the countless breakdowns in between. When the realization set in, the waiting was too much to bear. I'm glad the agony is over, and here comes the sunshine after the rain, sheltered by lots of hard work ahead.

As much as I'd like to think so, I haven't been a good partner, let alone, the best partner. It wasn't a case of insufficient effort, or anything along the likes, but I discovered how easy it was to take things for granted. Not intentionally of course, I've always felt that I wouldn't fall trap to that phase, that I cherish every moment of it. 

In fact, I do. I cherish and treasure every moment of it, but at the same time, I had been selfish and inconsiderate. No matter how much you want to be caring and giving, it doesn't equate to truly caring and giving. 

He makes me happy. 

However, every time we have a disgreement or spat over something, I'd keep my feelings inside, cos things would be well and I didn't want to risk it and receive some adverse reactions. Coupled with how easy it was for me to get over it, I usually let it die down and sizzle out.

I got used to it, and I stopped talking to him. I don't mean silence, but not sharing. I was starting to take it for granted that he had to know what was going on in my head. I expected him to know, and when he didn't, I got upset, but I wouldn't share, and the vicious cycle goes on and on. Thing is, every time he didn't understand what was going on inside my head, I was building up blame inside me. Blame turned to resentment, which turned to unhappiness. I didn't understand why he was feeling what he was feeling. I shut him out first, yet I expect him to know what I wanted. I became so emotionally demanding of him, without realizing it.

What a bitch of a girlfriend I was.

When what happened happened, I was torn. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying, my work was going hell, even colleagues were asking if I was fine. Truth is, I wasn't. But I couldn't let it go on like that. For the first time in my life, I'm in a happy position at work, and I'm loving everything, every bit of stress, every frustration, every complain, every single part of it. I cannot afford to let it go down the drain. I took the silence of his more seriously than I should, I became incredibly over-sensitive.

His words were daggers that drove straight into my heart, his actions (or rather, lack of it) were 30kg weights on my shoulders. Every tiny action of his drove me crazy, left my brain in a wreck and my eyes all red and swollen. Even normal actions suddenly sparked crazy ideas in my head. I was driving myself crazy. Until I took myself out of my shell and stepped into his did I see how it was. I wanted to slap myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to turn back time, if I could.

This is where, the waiting can kill. 

I knew I wanted to be there for him, no doubt bout that. Yet at the same time, I knew in order to be truly there for him, I had to let all my negativities out before I could give. The 3 days were a pain, it was a slow death. It wasn't easy for me to let it out to him finally. Tears flowed, I guess more as a relief than anything else. I could only hope that he would take it the right way and that it doesn't backfire on me.

2 days after the "ordeal", I'm glad I mustered the courage to let it out. I'm glad I realized what I realized, from now on, it's time to learn from past mistakes. I'm ready to give and take, and it feels good. 

I'm back in my happy place. ;>

I feel perturbed.

It really is an odd feeling, one of being in the middle of being relieved, and disturbed at the same time. I take pride in giving my best in almost every single relationship I've had, save for the one mistake that never should have begun. I believe that's the way to go, what's the point in holding back and treating the relationship like a strategic game, one in which I've never been good at anyway.

Relationships to me are meant to be.....a sheltered playground. A place or even, a comfort zone if you like, that I can go to when I'm feeling happy or sad. It's a emotional and mental destination, it's an assurance that things are fine, it's a arm to hold on to in a crowd of strangers. It's a hug in a storm, and a ray of sunshine on a freezing morning, all in one. It can be so bitter at times, but it's still ironically addictive, and the only other thing that keeps you sane and insane.

Peel away this layer of dreamy fantasy, I do know that's not how relationships always are. In between each hug, each kiss, each smile, there's a tear-jerking moment, many doubts, a handful of fights peppering the journey. It's also a race and a battle to hold on to our true selves, keeping the simple belief and faith of love amidst the practical burdens we bind ourselves to.

It's been..... quite a ride. 

Things have changed, like we all expect it to, the only constant that will remain. Gone are the silly grins and countless messages. The relationship has set in, so has the obstacles and all. I am still in love but yes, I have my doubts too. Perhaps, being too supportive and caring, can be a flaw and a burden on someone.

Like I've said, and stand true to it, I don't need my guy try his best to keep things the way they were. He should only feel bad if he hasn't put in effort at all. With thoughts racing through my mind faster than I can consolidate and type, I seem to begin to falter.

I need a sign, or rather, I need the assurance. 

I used to not be able to eat alone, I thought it was something crazy and no way was I going to do that, or rather, no way was I able to do that. I moved on to eating alone at fast food places, McDees became my favourite haunt during exam periods. Nonetheless, I maintained not being able to dine alone in food courts, or hawker centres, where better food could be found at a price less of a burden on my pocket. Now, I find myself looking forward to eating alone, where I don't have to compromise with others what to eat, or compromise my pocket as a result of someone else's craves or ridiculous budgets for a meal. I'm not turning into a hermit crab, I just enjoy that once in awhile, when I've had a long, hard day and I just want to find time to catch my thoughts and breathe a little slower. In ways more than one, I find it amusingly therapeutic and calming amidst the chaos and clanking of pots and pans.

It's tough illustrating how much I want to help you and ease the weight on your shoulders. It is frustrating, it is heart wrenching, I really wish I can do more, but this is as far as I can go - to just be there, to support, to soothe, to listen, to understand and to encourage, with no indication whether it's what you need, or what you want, or if it's sufficient.

If bringing dinner to you can help even a teenie weenie bit, I'll do it, every single day.

If accompanying you home even just for a distance would help, I'd do it, every single day.

I often wish, you could come home to me, so I can listen to your woes and assure you things will be fine, so you won't have to travel the distance just to take a rest.

I often wish, my actions, my hugs, my touches could heal, but they can't, that I'm sure. I can't help in a big way, that I know for sure, I don't need you to tell me that. Anything remotely significant or that would make a difference, even if it brings a smile to your face for a minute, I'll try.

I'm not hoping to do something big and changing, but I honestly hope, the many little things could somewhat, somehow, make things seem better, let you know that there's always a shelter away from the storm.

I'd bring you there and stay there with you, for as long as we can.

I want a magic wand, a special power, or simply, a smile to make everything seem to be right. Facing reality, I have none of the above and it pains to see what you're going through.

I'm getting irritated at myself for repeating the same old stuff again and again, about wanting you to be happy, and letting you know I'm here. But that's what I really want to say, and I mean it all.

I'm here if you need a hug, or just a listening ear. 

It's been close to a year now, everything happened so fast, yet so slow, yet it seemed like it only happened a couple of weeks ago. Is it a dream, or is it my fairytale come true?

Maybe it's a test, for you, for me, and for us. It is trying, but it makes the happy hours so much more precious.

No, I haven't forgotten. Not quite yet, and I doubt I will. Ever.

The assumptions, accusations and mistrusts are constantly on my mind. If anything, it's been magnified, more than ever and ever.

I can fake a smile in front of you, I can choose to ignore, I can be as superficial about this as I need to. I'll never forget, I'll never let myself forget. Yet, one thing I can never do, is pretend none of this has ever happened before.

No, I can't and I won't.