Someone remind me to not be home any time before 10.
In any event that I have to, please just let there be peace.
That's all I ask for.
The rest are fine and manageable and dandy.
Just this. I'm up to my neck, scratch that, up to the top of the hairs on my head in all other stuff. Simply leaving me alone will suffice.
On a far fetched note, I'm itching to have water contact. It's going to be ONE whole month more!
All right, I'm done screaming. Back to being *ahem* prim and proper and paying attention to the Garfield blabbering in front of me.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Lil butterflies in my tummy.
Our obsessions are going way off.
With a new interest and getaway plan hovering our minds, we've got something to look forward up to 6 months down the road.
Scuba diving open water course cum Tioman getaway in March!
No doubt, our hobbies are getting more and more expensive. But the satisfaction and accomplishment - priceless. With the same interests and hobbies now, I suppose, our Energizer alter egos will surge us to even more fascinating and out of the world places and activities.
Saturday's picnic at the Wakeboarding World Cup is my drive for the week. After which, we'll be cruising event-less through October till my celebrations on the 28th! Words cannot justify how needed that is. Most probably a quick, short and much needed gasp in the next 2 months before I head down to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific conference and the girl's motoring show.
Perhaps, if all works out well, we'll manage to squeeze everyone into one room, and we can scream the walls down with our Jenga and poker cards!
After I get back, the girl and the editor in chief will be heading for Naga City, Philippines with their new (I foresee) PS3, vest, helmet, big bags and most importantly, barf bags to the Camarines Sur Ski Park. It'll be December before we know it!
To reward ourselves for our whole year of hardwork, tortures we had, emotional abuses, financial tortures, we shall reward ourselves to wakeboarding at Punggol! Well, we have to try sooner or later. Then we'll see if what Errol says is true.
For now, it's the firming up of plans for the 28th and March.
Our monthly makan sessions with the Super people are somehow working out just fine and dandy. Next Wednesday we'll let our hair and guards down once again!
Pls don't stop me from being excited!
With a new interest and getaway plan hovering our minds, we've got something to look forward up to 6 months down the road.
Scuba diving open water course cum Tioman getaway in March!
No doubt, our hobbies are getting more and more expensive. But the satisfaction and accomplishment - priceless. With the same interests and hobbies now, I suppose, our Energizer alter egos will surge us to even more fascinating and out of the world places and activities.
Saturday's picnic at the Wakeboarding World Cup is my drive for the week. After which, we'll be cruising event-less through October till my celebrations on the 28th! Words cannot justify how needed that is. Most probably a quick, short and much needed gasp in the next 2 months before I head down to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific conference and the girl's motoring show.
Perhaps, if all works out well, we'll manage to squeeze everyone into one room, and we can scream the walls down with our Jenga and poker cards!
After I get back, the girl and the editor in chief will be heading for Naga City, Philippines with their new (I foresee) PS3, vest, helmet, big bags and most importantly, barf bags to the Camarines Sur Ski Park. It'll be December before we know it!
To reward ourselves for our whole year of hardwork, tortures we had, emotional abuses, financial tortures, we shall reward ourselves to wakeboarding at Punggol! Well, we have to try sooner or later. Then we'll see if what Errol says is true.
For now, it's the firming up of plans for the 28th and March.
Our monthly makan sessions with the Super people are somehow working out just fine and dandy. Next Wednesday we'll let our hair and guards down once again!
Pls don't stop me from being excited!
Monday, September 25, 2006
bla bla bla
Today spells trouble.
It's so not going well. I can't wait for Garfield to go home and leave me to do my work in peace.
My head is throbbing.
Pardon me. I just need to scream. Don't mind me.
It just irks me. The voices. The noise. The ringing in my ears.
When I was young, I loved opening letters, jumping for joy every time I receive a letter. It definitely was once in a blue moon. I'd scramble to the letterbox every time, even if it was some brochure, as long as it was addressed to yours truly. With my name on it.
These days, I barely glance at the pile of letters with my name on it everyday. Sometimes, it stays there untouched for days, cos I know, the letters are evil. Evil to my pocket.
I reach home after all in a day, all I want to do is lie down in peace, complete silence, no talking. Just let me be for a while. I'll blabber the house down after that.
It's not a mood swing, I just need to do a quick run through of the day's events, get in touch with my emotions, batter myself up a little and I'm up and running.
I wonder, what I'm blabbering now. Excuse me please. I shall get back to my leaning tower of work.
It's so not going well. I can't wait for Garfield to go home and leave me to do my work in peace.
My head is throbbing.
Pardon me. I just need to scream. Don't mind me.
It just irks me. The voices. The noise. The ringing in my ears.
When I was young, I loved opening letters, jumping for joy every time I receive a letter. It definitely was once in a blue moon. I'd scramble to the letterbox every time, even if it was some brochure, as long as it was addressed to yours truly. With my name on it.
These days, I barely glance at the pile of letters with my name on it everyday. Sometimes, it stays there untouched for days, cos I know, the letters are evil. Evil to my pocket.
I reach home after all in a day, all I want to do is lie down in peace, complete silence, no talking. Just let me be for a while. I'll blabber the house down after that.
It's not a mood swing, I just need to do a quick run through of the day's events, get in touch with my emotions, batter myself up a little and I'm up and running.
I wonder, what I'm blabbering now. Excuse me please. I shall get back to my leaning tower of work.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
yours truly
An insight on yours truly, through a personality quiz:
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your view on yourself:Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
How true? Well, scores pretty high on the scale for in terms of accuracy.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Getaway indulged.
This is what you call procrastinating. Almost 3 months since our getaway to Bangkok, the girl's virgin trip to Bangkok and our many misadventures, she finally sent me the photos!
Here goes!
Our first night in Bangkok!
2nd day at Chatuchak Weekend Market We literally shopped till we dropped and couldn't move anymore. Went back to the hotel after and cam-whored a little, we were so exhausted we slept all the way till at night! We even gave up the idea of more shopping!
MBK, Siam Center, Siam Paragon, we conquered them all!It was complete tai-tai's paradise in Siam Paragon. With absolutely nothing we could afford, we did what we did best! Window shopping and cam-whoring. Siam Paragon was simply breathtaking. No single mall in Singapore can beat it. Honestly.
Fashion runwayIndulged in local street hawker food, with a fashion show of our buys, we made a huge mess out of the hotel room. Had a hard time packing our lugguages, we almost had to sit on them in order to get them zipped up!
Well, when we packing our bags again?
Friday, September 22, 2006
Stimulation
Settler's is addictive.
We are exhausting the deck of cards for Taboo. Goodness! Not all ferries are called penguins!
It's a good thing though, bikinis and boards are physically stimulating and Settler's mind stimulating. It's a inside out and upside down entire body workout.
Sweet torture playing in the realm of my kingdom in the clouds.
We are exhausting the deck of cards for Taboo. Goodness! Not all ferries are called penguins!
It's a good thing though, bikinis and boards are physically stimulating and Settler's mind stimulating. It's a inside out and upside down entire body workout.
Sweet torture playing in the realm of my kingdom in the clouds.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Childhood relived
Last night was an unexpected twist of events. It turned out to be loads of fun, hand trembling, heart stopping and laughter!
Went for dinner with Errol at Holland V. I think he morphed into part Sham yesterday. I couldn't stop laughing on the way there and through dinner, even though the jokes were targetted at me. He made me walk so far to get to Holland V, even though I insisted the other route was shorter. Fine.
Coincidentally met Juan and Vinod there, and they instigated us to head for Settler's. Wasn't too keen on it at first cos the both of us were dead tired.
We were wrong. Proven wrong.
Despite the short 1 hour we had, we managed to squeeze in 2 games - Jenga and Taboo.
Jenga was heart stopping. All thanks to new found methods of playing, which Juan and I could not possibly attempt. The tower of bricks was twisted beyond recognition. For the very first time, 1 single round of Jenga can extend past half an hour. Yes, all thanks to our dear Errol, I was the one who toppled the tower. There was really no way out. We should have taken a picture!
Next up: Taboo
Now we know what's on every one's mind when given key words.
Anything small, tiny is a nipple to Vinod.
Juan's main ingredient in a hot dog bun is meat. She just couldn't get the word 'sausage' out.
That was so funny.
Anyway, you guys won cos we kept forgetting to turn the hourglass!
Went for dinner with Errol at Holland V. I think he morphed into part Sham yesterday. I couldn't stop laughing on the way there and through dinner, even though the jokes were targetted at me. He made me walk so far to get to Holland V, even though I insisted the other route was shorter. Fine.
Coincidentally met Juan and Vinod there, and they instigated us to head for Settler's. Wasn't too keen on it at first cos the both of us were dead tired.
We were wrong. Proven wrong.
Despite the short 1 hour we had, we managed to squeeze in 2 games - Jenga and Taboo.
Jenga was heart stopping. All thanks to new found methods of playing, which Juan and I could not possibly attempt. The tower of bricks was twisted beyond recognition. For the very first time, 1 single round of Jenga can extend past half an hour. Yes, all thanks to our dear Errol, I was the one who toppled the tower. There was really no way out. We should have taken a picture!
Next up: Taboo
Now we know what's on every one's mind when given key words.
Anything small, tiny is a nipple to Vinod.
Juan's main ingredient in a hot dog bun is meat. She just couldn't get the word 'sausage' out.
That was so funny.
Anyway, you guys won cos we kept forgetting to turn the hourglass!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Indiosyncrasies
A night long of report writing and cleaning up crap work combined with barely 2 hours of sleep before head crashing into a mad day of work is not a good idea.
So not a good idea. Move clock hands, MOVE. Of course, using my subconscious self's lousy attempts to will the clock hands to move faster is NOT working.
I am about to raise the white flag and lie flat, ready to be trampled over by the garfield himself.
Caught a telecast of the news about the military coup in Thailand and my mood was dampened even before I place my foot into the carpeted floor of the office. More work. Great job, guys! As garfield says, better now, than before the elections.
Our Asia Pacific conference will be clashing head on with the elections in Thailand in November. Night before the elections and before you pen your vote, no alcohol to be consumed. Strictly no alcohol. By orders of the government. It's illegal to drink even a single drop of alcohol that night.
Absolute culture shock. That's understanding cross-cultural diversity.
Inability to focus, fuzzy eyesight, crazy blabberings and slight loss of hearing are preliminary symptoms of ineedtosleepnow andimeannow - a very scientific term for a serious sleep disorder.
No, I am not a hypochondriac. I think it's just one of my idiosyncrasies.
So not a good idea. Move clock hands, MOVE. Of course, using my subconscious self's lousy attempts to will the clock hands to move faster is NOT working.
I am about to raise the white flag and lie flat, ready to be trampled over by the garfield himself.
Caught a telecast of the news about the military coup in Thailand and my mood was dampened even before I place my foot into the carpeted floor of the office. More work. Great job, guys! As garfield says, better now, than before the elections.
Our Asia Pacific conference will be clashing head on with the elections in Thailand in November. Night before the elections and before you pen your vote, no alcohol to be consumed. Strictly no alcohol. By orders of the government. It's illegal to drink even a single drop of alcohol that night.
Absolute culture shock. That's understanding cross-cultural diversity.
Inability to focus, fuzzy eyesight, crazy blabberings and slight loss of hearing are preliminary symptoms of ineedtosleepnow andimeannow - a very scientific term for a serious sleep disorder.
No, I am not a hypochondriac. I think it's just one of my idiosyncrasies.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Dreams of cinamon sugared pretzels and late night movies
I'd turn back the clock 4 months back if I could, to redo all that happened. I shouldn't though, even if I could.
Yes, I shouldn't.
Words spoken can't be taken back. A tinge of regret for what was said, though perhaps, unfounded. I stopped feeling what I was supposed to feel. I stopped all that emotional abuse. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped hating, or should I say, I didn't really touched upon that.
Miles away, both physically, emotionally and mentally, the void is there to feel. The hurt, mellow and throbbing, underlying all the laughter. Nonetheless, the laughter, the happiness, the joys, the fun, these are all real. There's no reason for me to hide, no reason for me not to feel what I'm feeling.
This time round, I truly wish you the best, from the bottommest of my heart, and the toppertest of my tummy of course.
I do hope you see the pure honesty of this entry. This how I feel, free of all hate and hurt for now. It's not meant to persuade or convince.
"To the world, you may be one person. But to one person, you are his world."
Ditto to the quote you told me once, I will find that one person.
Yes, I shouldn't.
Words spoken can't be taken back. A tinge of regret for what was said, though perhaps, unfounded. I stopped feeling what I was supposed to feel. I stopped all that emotional abuse. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped hating, or should I say, I didn't really touched upon that.
Miles away, both physically, emotionally and mentally, the void is there to feel. The hurt, mellow and throbbing, underlying all the laughter. Nonetheless, the laughter, the happiness, the joys, the fun, these are all real. There's no reason for me to hide, no reason for me not to feel what I'm feeling.
This time round, I truly wish you the best, from the bottommest of my heart, and the toppertest of my tummy of course.
I do hope you see the pure honesty of this entry. This how I feel, free of all hate and hurt for now. It's not meant to persuade or convince.
"To the world, you may be one person. But to one person, you are his world."
Ditto to the quote you told me once, I will find that one person.
I love this feeling.
After 6 years of friendship, its astonishing to realise that my dear Xue Er and I have not been out, just the 2 of us alone before. Oh my, we'd better do more of this.
The heart to heart talk session became a laughing marathon between the 2 of us, on the verge of being drunk. All thanks to her. It was after my wakeboarding session, meaning, I was dead tired and not functioning. I couldn't even open my eyes properly halfway through conversation.
I came to a conclusion last night.
I love being in a relationship. Seriously. I love the feeling of having someone to whine to, someone to do things together, someone to hold, someone to keep me warm, someone to encourage me, someone for me to buy sweet little nothings for, someone to laugh with, the whole list just goes on forever.
I even like the ups and downs of it. I mean like, not love. Except, of course, the heartbreaks and phobias, the quarrels and breakups.
I absolutely love this feeling.
The flowers I received the other day. We'll share the flowers all right?
The heart to heart talk session became a laughing marathon between the 2 of us, on the verge of being drunk. All thanks to her. It was after my wakeboarding session, meaning, I was dead tired and not functioning. I couldn't even open my eyes properly halfway through conversation.
I came to a conclusion last night.
I love being in a relationship. Seriously. I love the feeling of having someone to whine to, someone to do things together, someone to hold, someone to keep me warm, someone to encourage me, someone for me to buy sweet little nothings for, someone to laugh with, the whole list just goes on forever.
I even like the ups and downs of it. I mean like, not love. Except, of course, the heartbreaks and phobias, the quarrels and breakups.
I absolutely love this feeling.
(1).3.jpg)
The flowers I received the other day. We'll share the flowers all right?
Remember my dear, regardless what time, I'll just be a message or call away. Unless I'm wakeboarding though, then the tender loving care will come a tad slower.
I am happy.
The long waddle home.
Saturday was fun, fun, fun and more fun! Though a slight lack of eye candy and a slight increase of show offs, it was fabulous.
Errol and his friend, Kelvin, joined us this time round and it was so amusing to see Kelvin's virgin wakeboarding experience at Batam, NOT wakeboarding, but wake-skiing. The "never give up" attitude of his is remarkable though. I'm impressed.
Bad news. I face planted again. Good news. I face planted further away from the start off point.
Great, I face plant so much, my neck's getting toned.
Is that something to rejoice for?
I'm aching so bad again. It feels like I got rolled over by a bulldozer or something.
Dear penguin subjects,
The next week's going to be the week we waddle everywhere. From home to work, to school or whatsoever.
In pain, in aches, a duct-taped ankle and red noses. Oh, and blistered palms. Armed with Osim massagers, we'll squirm our way through, till October 28th.
With lotsa love,
Penguin Princess
Whilst the long wait for the penguin shuttle back to homeland...
Errol and his friend, Kelvin, joined us this time round and it was so amusing to see Kelvin's virgin wakeboarding experience at Batam, NOT wakeboarding, but wake-skiing. The "never give up" attitude of his is remarkable though. I'm impressed.
Bad news. I face planted again. Good news. I face planted further away from the start off point.
Great, I face plant so much, my neck's getting toned.
Is that something to rejoice for?
I'm aching so bad again. It feels like I got rolled over by a bulldozer or something.
Dear penguin subjects,
The next week's going to be the week we waddle everywhere. From home to work, to school or whatsoever.
In pain, in aches, a duct-taped ankle and red noses. Oh, and blistered palms. Armed with Osim massagers, we'll squirm our way through, till October 28th.
With lotsa love,
Penguin Princess
Whilst the long wait for the penguin shuttle back to homeland...
The girl with the duct-taped ankle.
He saved me from the evil wakeboard.
More pics when the girl gets motivated to upload. Probably in 2 months time.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A simple gesture, a touch to my heart.
Woke up crying today. Guess it was the effect of bottling too many emotions up for far too long. Finally, the dam gave way. It was much needed in a way. Started off the day with a musty breath of melancholy, looking forward so much to Saturday to get away from it all.
Just as I was wondering how to get over these 2 days before the arrival of Saturday, I got the shockest of all kinds of shock when my colleague walked over to my desk with a bouquet of roses! FOR ME! Furthermore, it's the really really dark red kind of roses that I like, delivered fresh from the florist!
Unbelievable, but it's the first time in my entire life that I've received flowers from anyone. Serious. Dead serious. As people ask, how can it be possible? Not even on Valentine's Day or any other occassions?
Yes, I repeat. Never.
I've always been a no-frills kind of person. Though highly appreciative of gestures of such sort, it's not a must have, or the kind where I would kick up a big fuss over. It's a bonus if there is, it's fine if there isn't. In fact, put away the exhilarating feeling of receiving flowers, I had always rather not receive flowers. Where to put? Where to hold? I rather have consistent sweet gestures, regardless how tiny, then to accumulate and put it into a bouquet or a gift and brush off putting in effort for the remaining 360 days.
Double standard, i agree. No doubt.
At times like this, a simple gesture can warm the coldest of all hearts. Even without the flowers, a nice message to remind a friend that you care and is on your mind, is enough. That alone, can bring a smile, and push away negative feelings, at least for the time being. Yet, some people, just don't bother or don't see the importance of it.
There are times, when a timely message, or a timely act of concern can save a life. It has happened. When you feel like messaging someone just to say you miss him/her, or just to say, take care, just do so. Don't hesitate. You really never know how much it means to that person. Trust me. Been there.
All in all, thank you very very very much to the guy who sent this bouquet to me, simply to cheer me up. It's so much much much appreciated! The sun somehow seems brighter now!
Just as I was wondering how to get over these 2 days before the arrival of Saturday, I got the shockest of all kinds of shock when my colleague walked over to my desk with a bouquet of roses! FOR ME! Furthermore, it's the really really dark red kind of roses that I like, delivered fresh from the florist!
Unbelievable, but it's the first time in my entire life that I've received flowers from anyone. Serious. Dead serious. As people ask, how can it be possible? Not even on Valentine's Day or any other occassions?
Yes, I repeat. Never.
I've always been a no-frills kind of person. Though highly appreciative of gestures of such sort, it's not a must have, or the kind where I would kick up a big fuss over. It's a bonus if there is, it's fine if there isn't. In fact, put away the exhilarating feeling of receiving flowers, I had always rather not receive flowers. Where to put? Where to hold? I rather have consistent sweet gestures, regardless how tiny, then to accumulate and put it into a bouquet or a gift and brush off putting in effort for the remaining 360 days.
Double standard, i agree. No doubt.
At times like this, a simple gesture can warm the coldest of all hearts. Even without the flowers, a nice message to remind a friend that you care and is on your mind, is enough. That alone, can bring a smile, and push away negative feelings, at least for the time being. Yet, some people, just don't bother or don't see the importance of it.
There are times, when a timely message, or a timely act of concern can save a life. It has happened. When you feel like messaging someone just to say you miss him/her, or just to say, take care, just do so. Don't hesitate. You really never know how much it means to that person. Trust me. Been there.
All in all, thank you very very very much to the guy who sent this bouquet to me, simply to cheer me up. It's so much much much appreciated! The sun somehow seems brighter now!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The sweet measure of success
Came across this chart just a couple of minutes ago, sparked off a fireworks display of thoughts and emotions.
The impact it had on me went straight pass my mind and hit me straight in the heart with a nail. We're all chasing what we want the wrong way. That's why, even if we get all the way up, we won't be happy. I'm not saying for all.
A very gentle and subtle yet piercing reminder of what I am trying to achieve and where am I headed. Passed by Ogilvy Center, where Ogilvy and Mather is housed, and the feeling was that of awe. Despite it being a Sunday, without the hustle and bustle of the people working in there, it still brought me to a standstill right at the doorstep.
The realisation that it's so near to us, and yet, still so far, was a luminous post-it note sticking out from Raffles Place, where it somehow, doesn't look like it belongs. We've been passing by this place time after time, without taking any notice of it. Perhaps, we were ignorant of the existence of Ogilvy and Mather. Perhaps, our destination then was different.
Now, it's no longer just a building. It's no longer just Ogilvy.
It's a dream. Somewhere we want to belong.
"Power is a quiet smile. It's knowing that no matter what, you can. It's understanding the value of friends; and having friends. It's the strength to hold on; and to let go. It's being fair in an unfair world. Power is being you. Power drives you. Then you drive it."
Wakeboarding frenzy
The girl just announced her going to Philippines, Naga City, for her wakeboarding mania with her wakeboarding maniac of a boyfriend. As usual, tempting me to go. "You want to go?" flooded our conversations last night.
Your guy always shocks me with his ideas. I thought I was hearing things. The next thing we know, he's already planning for Texas next year.
Last night was great. I think I ended up laughing in my sleep. All thanks to the !kung Bushmen and whatwashisname. He really gets entertained by me, doesn't he. I need to work on my Q&Q more.
This whole wakeboarding thing is making everyone nuts. I didn't think I would do sports, let alone, willingly and excitedly look forward to being in pain. As said before, we're sadists to the max. So many have laughed their way home upon hearing that I am going wakeboarding. I myself, is appalled.
Your guy always shocks me with his ideas. I thought I was hearing things. The next thing we know, he's already planning for Texas next year.
Last night was great. I think I ended up laughing in my sleep. All thanks to the !kung Bushmen and whatwashisname. He really gets entertained by me, doesn't he. I need to work on my Q&Q more.
This whole wakeboarding thing is making everyone nuts. I didn't think I would do sports, let alone, willingly and excitedly look forward to being in pain. As said before, we're sadists to the max. So many have laughed their way home upon hearing that I am going wakeboarding. I myself, is appalled.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Where our feet takes us.
It's true how you said it, both of us have said words or done things that have make things forever scarred. I'm not pointing fingers now. I wrote what was written in angst, it wasn't meant to come off as a personal attack, but it was what I felt then and there. I didn't think that much about it, just to let out what I thought and wanted to say.
Likewise for you, did you think of how I would feel when you did all you did and said all you said? Sorry doesn't count for any thing more in our context. What I said in that 1 mere entry doesn't justify or account for all that you've said to me and done to me.
Since saying all these to you are useless, as per your words, I shan't say much, but what I feel. What was said may not be pleasing to you, but what was done cannot be undone. I doubt you are thinking of me in a good light now either.
Thank you for thinking of me, and missing me. Maybe there's truth in your words, the reason's not mine to speak.
You've gotten me all wrong, like you said I've gotten you all wrong. Yet, this misunderstanding is here to stay.
With all that's said, we'll go where our feet takes us, whether you choose to go in angst, or whichever other way.
Likewise for you, did you think of how I would feel when you did all you did and said all you said? Sorry doesn't count for any thing more in our context. What I said in that 1 mere entry doesn't justify or account for all that you've said to me and done to me.
Since saying all these to you are useless, as per your words, I shan't say much, but what I feel. What was said may not be pleasing to you, but what was done cannot be undone. I doubt you are thinking of me in a good light now either.
Thank you for thinking of me, and missing me. Maybe there's truth in your words, the reason's not mine to speak.
You've gotten me all wrong, like you said I've gotten you all wrong. Yet, this misunderstanding is here to stay.
With all that's said, we'll go where our feet takes us, whether you choose to go in angst, or whichever other way.
Being nice doesn't change anyone.
Eve's right. I've got to learn my lesson. Being nice doesn't change anyone. It's just shortchanging myself. Some people just don't deserve the chance, nor any goodwill for that matter.
I've had a lot of chances to learn, chances pushed up my face, chances served to me on a nice platter with garnishes. I have learnt now. Yes, Errol was right, Farena was right, Eve's right, I need to learn. I will and I have.
It's true that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. What makes you stronger, makes you harder to kill.
Friday night with my Jing Jang girls. We went on a sashimi eating frenzy. Swept up plate after plate after plate. Stuffed ourselves silly while laughing our heads off. Initial plan was Alleybar after dinner. Turned out a tad too packed for comfort. Settled for Ice Cold Beer and we were all cosy and nice. The updates and stories started to come in too.
We practically hogged and tortured the waiter into taking endless photos of us, criticising his every shot. Then again, they really were horrendous.
I've had a lot of chances to learn, chances pushed up my face, chances served to me on a nice platter with garnishes. I have learnt now. Yes, Errol was right, Farena was right, Eve's right, I need to learn. I will and I have.
It's true that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. What makes you stronger, makes you harder to kill.
Friday night with my Jing Jang girls. We went on a sashimi eating frenzy. Swept up plate after plate after plate. Stuffed ourselves silly while laughing our heads off. Initial plan was Alleybar after dinner. Turned out a tad too packed for comfort. Settled for Ice Cold Beer and we were all cosy and nice. The updates and stories started to come in too.
We practically hogged and tortured the waiter into taking endless photos of us, criticising his every shot. Then again, they really were horrendous.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Warped.
No words can describe you. It's all just a matter of time. You don't deserve what you have cos you don't treasure any of that bliss. You think you have everything, but in fact, you have nothing at all.
You're just a shell. An empty shell. With nothing inside of you.
Treasure what you have now, with all your might, cos they all don't belong to you, and it's going to go to where they belong. Wait and see.
Step out of this picture and I want to laugh. It's a huge joke. So are you. You've nothing to envy for, you've nothing for me to lust for, you've nothing for me, or anything to offer.
Congratulate me quick, cos you mean nothing now. Stop the attempts to victimise yourself. Stop the attempts to make me quiver in my stand. They will just make me want to laugh.
I look over my shoulder, I see you defeated. This you don't see, or refuse to see. You don't love yourself a single bit, you don't appreciate it all, you're just trying so hard to be, someone you'll never be.
It's like having the most beautiful and biggest house to boast, until you step inside, you realise it's all of rotten wood and weak foundation.
Not saying I've got it all, but I've got what you don't. Self respect and my values, a heart and a mind of my own. Not one that's manipulated by riches, beauty and all things superficial. You can remain warped for all I care.
Go somewhere to butter your own ego and live in your own pretense.
You're just a shell. An empty shell. With nothing inside of you.
Treasure what you have now, with all your might, cos they all don't belong to you, and it's going to go to where they belong. Wait and see.
Step out of this picture and I want to laugh. It's a huge joke. So are you. You've nothing to envy for, you've nothing for me to lust for, you've nothing for me, or anything to offer.
Congratulate me quick, cos you mean nothing now. Stop the attempts to victimise yourself. Stop the attempts to make me quiver in my stand. They will just make me want to laugh.
I look over my shoulder, I see you defeated. This you don't see, or refuse to see. You don't love yourself a single bit, you don't appreciate it all, you're just trying so hard to be, someone you'll never be.
It's like having the most beautiful and biggest house to boast, until you step inside, you realise it's all of rotten wood and weak foundation.
Not saying I've got it all, but I've got what you don't. Self respect and my values, a heart and a mind of my own. Not one that's manipulated by riches, beauty and all things superficial. You can remain warped for all I care.
Go somewhere to butter your own ego and live in your own pretense.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
My Disney world.
We looked far ahead when we were young. We yearned to soar.
In school, we wrote compositions on "My ambition", "What I want to be when I grow up?", it all varied not far from that line. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, psychologists, policemen, were repetitions down the list.
With so much energy, youth and dreams inside of us, yet so little knowledge of how the world is like, we could foresee ourselves to be anything, anyone we wanted to be. It wasn't hard. We could fly around the universe, swam all the way to America if we liked, and no one would have reminded or informed us that it wasn't practical, or it was a near impossible feat. That's the way it is, everyone subconsciously protects the child's mind to think simple thoughts, to block out the harsh daggers of reality.
We had things simple then. We tried to make things complicated and exciting.
Fast forward fifteen years. That's all you need. Things change.
Gone are the energy, the zest, the bounce in our footsteps, the pure innocence, the gleam in our eyes, the "I can be what I want to be" attitude. In place, are the feelings and thoughts we are oh so familiar with.
Things become complicated.
More factors coming into the equation, forming simultaneous equations, then integration and differentiation starts forcing its way through. You do the math. A thousand and one more commitments and responsibilities. From now on, you're responsible for your own future. Every single step we take, is answerable not only to ourselves.
We worked so hard, spent over a decade or two in schools, only to push ourselves into this bottomless pit, and we start asking ourselves, "Is this what I really want?"
If you can say yes without a single regret or doubt running across your mind, please give yourself a pat on the back, a round of applause and I would give you a trophy if I could. Undeniably, many a times, we don't get where we want to be, or set foot on where we had planned to be.
We see the friends around us, those friends whom you know since primary school, and still counting. You ask the IT specialist, "Hey, didn't you want to be a doctor?". Deja vu hits you right smack in the face. No, you didn't see this coming when you were ten.
On the backend program called "Relationships" running in your life, it sometimes become another entity altogether. Ideal scenario would be for the backend program to support your frontend, and work together seamlessly. Time to wake up and get your feet flat on the ground. Feel the cold cement floor.
Enough said. One just has to pray, that your entire system doesn't raise the white flag and crash altogether.
We started off simple. We made it complicated.
We got it complicated. We want it simple now.
Recall the time we learnt about irreversible changes? There. A whole new perspective away from burnt sugar and cooked eggs.
In school, we wrote compositions on "My ambition", "What I want to be when I grow up?", it all varied not far from that line. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, psychologists, policemen, were repetitions down the list.
With so much energy, youth and dreams inside of us, yet so little knowledge of how the world is like, we could foresee ourselves to be anything, anyone we wanted to be. It wasn't hard. We could fly around the universe, swam all the way to America if we liked, and no one would have reminded or informed us that it wasn't practical, or it was a near impossible feat. That's the way it is, everyone subconsciously protects the child's mind to think simple thoughts, to block out the harsh daggers of reality.
We had things simple then. We tried to make things complicated and exciting.
Fast forward fifteen years. That's all you need. Things change.
Gone are the energy, the zest, the bounce in our footsteps, the pure innocence, the gleam in our eyes, the "I can be what I want to be" attitude. In place, are the feelings and thoughts we are oh so familiar with.
Things become complicated.
More factors coming into the equation, forming simultaneous equations, then integration and differentiation starts forcing its way through. You do the math. A thousand and one more commitments and responsibilities. From now on, you're responsible for your own future. Every single step we take, is answerable not only to ourselves.
We worked so hard, spent over a decade or two in schools, only to push ourselves into this bottomless pit, and we start asking ourselves, "Is this what I really want?"
If you can say yes without a single regret or doubt running across your mind, please give yourself a pat on the back, a round of applause and I would give you a trophy if I could. Undeniably, many a times, we don't get where we want to be, or set foot on where we had planned to be.
We see the friends around us, those friends whom you know since primary school, and still counting. You ask the IT specialist, "Hey, didn't you want to be a doctor?". Deja vu hits you right smack in the face. No, you didn't see this coming when you were ten.
On the backend program called "Relationships" running in your life, it sometimes become another entity altogether. Ideal scenario would be for the backend program to support your frontend, and work together seamlessly. Time to wake up and get your feet flat on the ground. Feel the cold cement floor.
Enough said. One just has to pray, that your entire system doesn't raise the white flag and crash altogether.
We started off simple. We made it complicated.
We got it complicated. We want it simple now.
Recall the time we learnt about irreversible changes? There. A whole new perspective away from burnt sugar and cooked eggs.
From 峨眉山 to 武当山 we go.
The meetup with the poly girls yesterday was a flashback to poly days.
Ignoring the initial frustration of us 4 road idiots, trying to find our way to Club Street, it all turned out well. Weaved in and out of Raffles Place, trying to get our bearings right. Well, we used to *ahem* get lost in SP too.
Poly days went past in a flash, can't remember much about it. We were always busy doing projects after projects, presentations after presentations, skipping classes and rushing off to work.
Remember the 峨眉山 that tortured us?
Remember the few lessons we had at 武当山. From 峨眉山 we had to travel so far, up and down the mountain to 武当山?
Remember how we had to climb over the gate to get home, cos we stayed in school to do our project past 11pm.?
Remember how it was always a frantic rush to print out projects at the very last minute and we could never find a computer somehow?
Remember how we were always pissing off lecturers?
Remember how we missed every single E-Commerce lecture, except for the very last one when he said he'd give us exam tips, and the lecture hall was overflowing with people?
The list goes on and on.
3 years in poly, I went in without a friend, and came out with lots. Did tons of projects, some meant to wow, some flopped, quarrels with project mates, dramatic project discussions...
1 year after we graduate, 9 months since we last saw each other, I realise, most of us haven't really changed.
The one with the star dreams, still with the star dreams.
The one with the glitz and blings, still with the glitz and blings.
The one who's quiet and all, still quiet and all.
The one who's always missing, is still missing.
The one who's always grumbling, is still always grumbling.
It's a pity we all were too tired to bring the night further, but the pizzas were good, I think the wine did us all in though. We should thank Alvin for it.
Next up: Dinner cum bitching session with the fussy bitch and Ben.
Ignoring the initial frustration of us 4 road idiots, trying to find our way to Club Street, it all turned out well. Weaved in and out of Raffles Place, trying to get our bearings right. Well, we used to *ahem* get lost in SP too.
Poly days went past in a flash, can't remember much about it. We were always busy doing projects after projects, presentations after presentations, skipping classes and rushing off to work.
Remember the 峨眉山 that tortured us?
Remember the few lessons we had at 武当山. From 峨眉山 we had to travel so far, up and down the mountain to 武当山?
Remember how we had to climb over the gate to get home, cos we stayed in school to do our project past 11pm.?
Remember how it was always a frantic rush to print out projects at the very last minute and we could never find a computer somehow?
Remember how we were always pissing off lecturers?
Remember how we missed every single E-Commerce lecture, except for the very last one when he said he'd give us exam tips, and the lecture hall was overflowing with people?
The list goes on and on.
3 years in poly, I went in without a friend, and came out with lots. Did tons of projects, some meant to wow, some flopped, quarrels with project mates, dramatic project discussions...
1 year after we graduate, 9 months since we last saw each other, I realise, most of us haven't really changed.
The one with the star dreams, still with the star dreams.
The one with the glitz and blings, still with the glitz and blings.
The one who's quiet and all, still quiet and all.
The one who's always missing, is still missing.
The one who's always grumbling, is still always grumbling.
It's a pity we all were too tired to bring the night further, but the pizzas were good, I think the wine did us all in though. We should thank Alvin for it.
Next up: Dinner cum bitching session with the fussy bitch and Ben.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
My kind of wonderful.
It's a season of catching up.
Met up with doris yesterday, tomorrow's dinner date with the poly mates, Thursday's the monthly meetup with the ex-colleagues, Friday's the night for my girls.
This guy I knew from way back in secondary school, we talked through the then very popular IRC chatroom. We clicked, we talked, but only in IRC but we both knew who the other was in real life. In reality, he and I were of different cliques, there was totally no way we could have crossed paths. It's the kind when friends would ask, "How on earth did you know him?".
As we moved on, we lost contact for quite a number of years. Caught up recently, how I do not remember. It's funny how gone one big round, and still end up talking to each other only online. I've bumped into him once while on my first date, but I didn't dare acknowledge cos I didn't think he'd remember me. Apparently, I've changed since secondary school.
Dropped him a message soon after, only to realise, he recognised me.
We still haven't met up or bumped into each other since then. Perhaps, soon.
It's really odd how things work out to be, when someone who's close, yet you really don't know the person, becomes your confidante, someone you'd message when you can't get to sleep.
It's odd how we could get back in contact, after totally losing contact for years.
It's odd, how things are meant to be.
Is there really truth, in friends forever, as we used to write in each other's autograph books?
Met up with doris yesterday, tomorrow's dinner date with the poly mates, Thursday's the monthly meetup with the ex-colleagues, Friday's the night for my girls.
This guy I knew from way back in secondary school, we talked through the then very popular IRC chatroom. We clicked, we talked, but only in IRC but we both knew who the other was in real life. In reality, he and I were of different cliques, there was totally no way we could have crossed paths. It's the kind when friends would ask, "How on earth did you know him?".
As we moved on, we lost contact for quite a number of years. Caught up recently, how I do not remember. It's funny how gone one big round, and still end up talking to each other only online. I've bumped into him once while on my first date, but I didn't dare acknowledge cos I didn't think he'd remember me. Apparently, I've changed since secondary school.
Dropped him a message soon after, only to realise, he recognised me.
We still haven't met up or bumped into each other since then. Perhaps, soon.
It's really odd how things work out to be, when someone who's close, yet you really don't know the person, becomes your confidante, someone you'd message when you can't get to sleep.
It's odd how we could get back in contact, after totally losing contact for years.
It's odd, how things are meant to be.
Is there really truth, in friends forever, as we used to write in each other's autograph books?
Monday, September 04, 2006
The ultimate sadistic addiction.
The day we were supposed to fall in style came and left in a whizz. But we were far from falling in style. We fell flat on our faces, not once, not twice, I fell till I was all water clogged, felt like my brain was swimming in water.
The ferry ride was a lazy picnic on board while being amazed by geographical sights.
How we tortured and mangled our poor bodies.
The recuperation and bonding time..
It was fun. It was an escape. To do something totally un-me. To be somewhere we restore our sanity. To balance our lives.
Most importantly, to bring out the Energizer and Duracell bunny in us.
Now, to recover from the bruises, sprains, aches and miscellaneous injuries.
Yes, we're all sadists. We enjoy tormenting our poor bodies.
The ferry ride was a lazy picnic on board while being amazed by geographical sights.
How we tortured and mangled our poor bodies.
The recuperation and bonding time..
It was fun. It was an escape. To do something totally un-me. To be somewhere we restore our sanity. To balance our lives.
Most importantly, to bring out the Energizer and Duracell bunny in us.
Now, to recover from the bruises, sprains, aches and miscellaneous injuries.
Yes, we're all sadists. We enjoy tormenting our poor bodies.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Stronger...than yesterday
"Only when you hit the lows, then you can start to reach the highs, and appreciate the highs, cos you've been rock bottom before."
Many of such philosophical idealogy, we all know somewhere, somehow, somewhat. It's the practical aspect. Things will go down, definitely, at some point in time. Sometimes, you just can't be bothered with it.
This post has no relevance to whatsoever or anyone in particular. It's just something that sparked off after a conversation with a girlfriend.
Likewise, no matter how high the frequency of the highs and lows, it ultimately still becomes monotonous, a routine by itself. By which, either you travel along with the ups and downs, getting all dizzy, confused and disoriented, or you take a step back, find the pattern, and find a way to work things out around it.
When things spin out of control, take a breather, settle any uncertainties, before pushing on. You may think you've got the worst luck ever, but there's always people who are worst off than you. Definitely.
There has to be a ceiling to which one wants to achieve, or you'll never be satisfied, or truly happy. Spend your life trying to hit that ceiling when all you ever do is constantly push it further up.
You, me, him, her, we're all different, what we see, what we think, what we feel, how we're affected, how we handle things, it's just impossible to be the same. Strive to celebrate the differences and not compare and try to push others down.
Well, then again, there are just too many grey areas.
Once again, we fall, we learn. I'm definitely stronger than yesterday. I'm grateful for that.
Many of such philosophical idealogy, we all know somewhere, somehow, somewhat. It's the practical aspect. Things will go down, definitely, at some point in time. Sometimes, you just can't be bothered with it.
This post has no relevance to whatsoever or anyone in particular. It's just something that sparked off after a conversation with a girlfriend.
Likewise, no matter how high the frequency of the highs and lows, it ultimately still becomes monotonous, a routine by itself. By which, either you travel along with the ups and downs, getting all dizzy, confused and disoriented, or you take a step back, find the pattern, and find a way to work things out around it.
When things spin out of control, take a breather, settle any uncertainties, before pushing on. You may think you've got the worst luck ever, but there's always people who are worst off than you. Definitely.
There has to be a ceiling to which one wants to achieve, or you'll never be satisfied, or truly happy. Spend your life trying to hit that ceiling when all you ever do is constantly push it further up.
You, me, him, her, we're all different, what we see, what we think, what we feel, how we're affected, how we handle things, it's just impossible to be the same. Strive to celebrate the differences and not compare and try to push others down.
Well, then again, there are just too many grey areas.
Once again, we fall, we learn. I'm definitely stronger than yesterday. I'm grateful for that.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Next 2 weeks of loneliness
Last night's dinner with Errol did me good. Affirmed my stand and decision, reassured that this is the right way to go. I enjoyed myself, though I was dead tired and so was he I believe.
On another page, realised how we can take for granted someone who's always there. Until the day that he/she is gone, then you start appreciating the things that they do for you and how much their presence means.
No one to cheer me up with stupid songs and ridiculous jokes after a day's work.
No one to irritate the hell out of me.
No one for me to bitch to at night.
No one for me to.....whatever I feel like doing to him.
Thank goodness it's only for the next 2 weeks! I'll miss him.
On another page, realised how we can take for granted someone who's always there. Until the day that he/she is gone, then you start appreciating the things that they do for you and how much their presence means.
No one to cheer me up with stupid songs and ridiculous jokes after a day's work.
No one to irritate the hell out of me.
No one for me to bitch to at night.
No one for me to.....whatever I feel like doing to him.
Thank goodness it's only for the next 2 weeks! I'll miss him.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Absolut Obsession
Yes dear, I fell into your temptation trap. Thank you very much for that. Thank you for making me nuts about the boards even before I start the entire thing! Come to think of it, you're absolutely right! Allan will prolly laugh his head off if he hears of this! Me? Cable-skiing???
For 2 years, he couldn't even get me to go cycling! We'll see!
With exams coming up, we really have to stop tempting each other this way! I wonder when would I have the time to recuperate, with all these stuff going on. Come the following week, we'll make sure we stay grounded at Macdonald's, armed with your milkshakes and my hot fudge sundaes, rooted at our seats, cramming all the lectures into our brains.
Thereafter, by the end of next month, we'll fill up the form for admission into IMH together all right?
"Double beds with vodka ruby red on the side pls! Thank you!"
There comes the dreaded October, when our days of soya will be further enforced. No more polar, no more hot fudge cravings, no more cheeseburgers, no more nuggets! We can grit our teeth and make it through this.
November, with your motor show and my Asia Pacific conference coming up, we'll be pulling our hair out once again!
Then, as the year draws to a close, we can look back and smile at what we've achieved.
For 2 years, he couldn't even get me to go cycling! We'll see!
With exams coming up, we really have to stop tempting each other this way! I wonder when would I have the time to recuperate, with all these stuff going on. Come the following week, we'll make sure we stay grounded at Macdonald's, armed with your milkshakes and my hot fudge sundaes, rooted at our seats, cramming all the lectures into our brains.
Thereafter, by the end of next month, we'll fill up the form for admission into IMH together all right?
"Double beds with vodka ruby red on the side pls! Thank you!"
There comes the dreaded October, when our days of soya will be further enforced. No more polar, no more hot fudge cravings, no more cheeseburgers, no more nuggets! We can grit our teeth and make it through this.
November, with your motor show and my Asia Pacific conference coming up, we'll be pulling our hair out once again!
Then, as the year draws to a close, we can look back and smile at what we've achieved.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Smile for old times' sake.
There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing no poor human can ever meet our vision.
But for the most parts, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish.". Most importantly, sometimes, love doesn't mean you have to be together.
I thought long and hard about the words. Dear Errol said I read too much into it. I still am. But I do agree, and so far it's been so for me, that love to me, is a recognition. Saying the words "I love you" don't mean anything to me, until the day I look at the person sleeping and smile, feeling the urge to stop time there and then, the urge to snuggle in the person's arms.
When I want the best for him, and I'd go out of the way to make him happy, when I smile at his messages, when he's the first person I want to see after a day's work, when he's the first person I call when something happy or sad happened, I know, I can safely say, "I love you" and mean it with all my heart.
This has happened on both occassions. But, I guess things just wasn't meant to be. I can't force things to turn out the way I want it. Cos I've learnt. I respect your choice, your chosen path. Things don't always happen the way I want it, but, que sera sera.
But for the most parts, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish.". Most importantly, sometimes, love doesn't mean you have to be together.
I thought long and hard about the words. Dear Errol said I read too much into it. I still am. But I do agree, and so far it's been so for me, that love to me, is a recognition. Saying the words "I love you" don't mean anything to me, until the day I look at the person sleeping and smile, feeling the urge to stop time there and then, the urge to snuggle in the person's arms.
When I want the best for him, and I'd go out of the way to make him happy, when I smile at his messages, when he's the first person I want to see after a day's work, when he's the first person I call when something happy or sad happened, I know, I can safely say, "I love you" and mean it with all my heart.
This has happened on both occassions. But, I guess things just wasn't meant to be. I can't force things to turn out the way I want it. Cos I've learnt. I respect your choice, your chosen path. Things don't always happen the way I want it, but, que sera sera.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Closed cases reopened.
There are times when I can't believe myself. I wonder if I'm sitting on my brain or something or it's malfunctioning.
It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.
The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.
History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.
Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.
What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.
In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.
Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.
I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.
I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.
I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.
Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?
"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."
I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.
The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.
Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.
I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.
An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.
It's not easy, to wear a mask, to pretend to be all right, when everything else is collapsing inside. We are strong, forced by circumstances, not by choice, nor are there options. Step out of the house, out of our comfort zone when we can be ourselves, the mask automatically slips on, facing the world with a smile on our faces, regardless how the inside of us is crumbling.
The retreat came timely. Though the 5 days of holding back tears and firm grip on the emotions was constantly taking its toll, torturing as hell. I had to go to the washroom a couple of times through the training to go release and firm my grip on my emotions that were creating havock in my mind.
History wasn't supposed to repeat itself, as per your words. Time isn't a factor, yet in the short span of time, left my esteem, confidence, beliefs, thinking, mindset and principles all wrecked and beyond my recognition.
Flashbacks hit me constantly and hard in the head. Ever felt like you're going to the past and back to the present repeatedly? The past, though once reality, seems far more like a dream, something I conjured in this little space of mine and the present seems like a bad case of deja vu, a nightmare come true.
What goes up, will definitely come down, this belief that stays close to my heart. Things do happen for a reason, perhaps, I'm walking around in a fog right now, but this fog will soon clear up and the road ahead will be lit.
In this roundabout stage of my road, I tell myself to take my time to smell the flowers before I push ahead to reach the split roads that come ahead. Pushed myself too far ahead before I was ready, and now, this trip over the stones on the my road reopened my old wounds and scar even deeper.
Wounds will heal and scars will lighten. Something I have to do for myself, to find myself and mend things up.
I love myself, that's why I'm hurting.
I loved you, that's why I allowed myself to be hurt and the damage to be done despite knowing what lies ahead.
I'm now paying the price for my decisions. Facing the consequences of my actions. Whatever that was taken from me, I'll give it back to myself in multiples. This road is mine, I'll make sure I'll walk the talk and live the life.
Sorry doesn't create miracles, nor does it undo anything. I don't deny myself of whatever I did in the process to result in this outcome. When it comes down to it, it takes two to tango. Notwithstanding, was I only worth so much in your eyes? Did I deserve to be treated without respect?
"Self-respect is what you give to yourself. Not by others."
I beg to differ, but it's true to a certain extent. I threw that away when I decided to switch roles and grovel for your attention. I'm needing that back.
The credits for you rolled consistently, the critics for me were harsh and unfounded.
Paths crossed and uncrossed, I'll leave it in the hands of the suited to see to things in this game I have no control over. Puppets of fate, this show has to go on once again. The ending unknown, creating the anticipation and building the tension, exciting in it's own way, all factors varied, with not a single one held constant.
I've no more energy to fight and battle my way through. No longer the need to question and doubt, no longer the need for a closure, the urge to hate diminishes. The simpler you want things to be, the more complicated things will become.
An irony to the irony that was started, as us becomes you and me.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Self respect
Tell me how to go on.
It feels like a repeat telecast of what I went through. Should I believe in your words and push on, or should I prevent myself from going through shit again?
I'm clueless. You aren't helping at all.
It feels like a repeat telecast of what I went through. Should I believe in your words and push on, or should I prevent myself from going through shit again?
I'm clueless. You aren't helping at all.
Friday, August 18, 2006
I'd learn how to say thank you in the language you know.
A HUGE misunderstanding sparked off this post. HUMONGOUS. Thank goodness everything's been clarified now.
I've talked about my maternal grandparents cos I'm closer to them, meaning I know more about them.
My paternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 1, as far as I can remember. Time spent with them were short. They didn't stay in a fixed place, nor did we have a fixed day that we visit them. They would stay a short while at each of their 6 children's places, and would rotate around.
I can barely recall how it was like. I do remember dreading them coming over to stay. I used to feel that they were disrupting our normal lives and it was so awkward having them around. Perhaps, I've always dreaded talking to my grandmother, not cos I don't like or love her, but because of our inability to communicate. I guess everytime I see her, I'd feel really guilty as to why I can't talk to her more. Furthermore, she was more than 70% deaf and wore hearing aids. I had to shout everytime I wanted to say something to her.
However, these routines stopped after my grandfather passed away. Ever since then, I only see her once or twice a year, not more than 6 hours each time, not more than 10 sentences exchanged.
Now, she's more than 90% deaf and the hearing aids don't work anymore.
The last time I visited her in hospital was the time she had a stroke. My dad loves her a lot. He loves tormenting us with the repeats of his childhood stories, to the extent we'd know exactly what he'd say next.
My grandfather and grandmother were so different.
She's a China-born teochew, who speaks nothing but pure "China" teochew.
He's english speaking.
I loved my grandfather. He has always remained someone special even though I don't recall much about him. He made toys for us. He doted on me. I'd love to write more, but that's all I remember. Yet, till date, I still remember how he looked, how he sounded like, how he sat in his favourite chair in my house and how he looked like lying peacefully in the coffin. I remember how his funeral was like, where it was held, the bonding we had with our cousins, how it was the first time someone close to me passed away. I remember my brother giggling when everyone else was crying when my grandfather's coffin was pushed in to be cremated. He was just barely 4 years old then. I remember being solemn, only because I had no slightest idea what was going on.
Yes, the toys are still around. So is the chair. My dad will never throw it away despite it being extremely uncomfortable. I still get reminded of them everytime I sit on the chair, and everytime I use the washroom in the kitchen.
If he was still alive today, I'd like to believe, I would tell him lots, in English, cos that was the only language he would speak to me. I doubt he'll still be making toys for me, but come to think of it, he'd be very old. He was 71 when he passed away, which would make him 86 this year.
My grandmother, almost 90 this year I suppose, was always shuffling around the house during Chinese New Year's whoever's house she was staying at then. She would shuffle around and make it a point to talk to every one of her children, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren. Somehow, I doubt anyone appreciate her efforts, but she was always smiling from ear to ear on that day, toothless.
I guess in a way, she's considered to have had a good life. 6 sons, 1 daughter, 13 grandchildren, 1 great-granddaughter, with 2 granddaughters and 1 grandson married.
I wonder how is it like to be living in a world of silence. When you see everyone you love, but you can't hear what they're saying. You see their lips move, but no sound comes out of it. You speak, but not many understand.
I wonder, if you've ever heard my voice.
I've talked about my maternal grandparents cos I'm closer to them, meaning I know more about them.
My paternal grandfather passed away when I was in Primary 1, as far as I can remember. Time spent with them were short. They didn't stay in a fixed place, nor did we have a fixed day that we visit them. They would stay a short while at each of their 6 children's places, and would rotate around.
I can barely recall how it was like. I do remember dreading them coming over to stay. I used to feel that they were disrupting our normal lives and it was so awkward having them around. Perhaps, I've always dreaded talking to my grandmother, not cos I don't like or love her, but because of our inability to communicate. I guess everytime I see her, I'd feel really guilty as to why I can't talk to her more. Furthermore, she was more than 70% deaf and wore hearing aids. I had to shout everytime I wanted to say something to her.
However, these routines stopped after my grandfather passed away. Ever since then, I only see her once or twice a year, not more than 6 hours each time, not more than 10 sentences exchanged.
Now, she's more than 90% deaf and the hearing aids don't work anymore.
The last time I visited her in hospital was the time she had a stroke. My dad loves her a lot. He loves tormenting us with the repeats of his childhood stories, to the extent we'd know exactly what he'd say next.
My grandfather and grandmother were so different.
She's a China-born teochew, who speaks nothing but pure "China" teochew.
He's english speaking.
I loved my grandfather. He has always remained someone special even though I don't recall much about him. He made toys for us. He doted on me. I'd love to write more, but that's all I remember. Yet, till date, I still remember how he looked, how he sounded like, how he sat in his favourite chair in my house and how he looked like lying peacefully in the coffin. I remember how his funeral was like, where it was held, the bonding we had with our cousins, how it was the first time someone close to me passed away. I remember my brother giggling when everyone else was crying when my grandfather's coffin was pushed in to be cremated. He was just barely 4 years old then. I remember being solemn, only because I had no slightest idea what was going on.
Yes, the toys are still around. So is the chair. My dad will never throw it away despite it being extremely uncomfortable. I still get reminded of them everytime I sit on the chair, and everytime I use the washroom in the kitchen.
If he was still alive today, I'd like to believe, I would tell him lots, in English, cos that was the only language he would speak to me. I doubt he'll still be making toys for me, but come to think of it, he'd be very old. He was 71 when he passed away, which would make him 86 this year.
My grandmother, almost 90 this year I suppose, was always shuffling around the house during Chinese New Year's whoever's house she was staying at then. She would shuffle around and make it a point to talk to every one of her children, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren. Somehow, I doubt anyone appreciate her efforts, but she was always smiling from ear to ear on that day, toothless.
I guess in a way, she's considered to have had a good life. 6 sons, 1 daughter, 13 grandchildren, 1 great-granddaughter, with 2 granddaughters and 1 grandson married.
I wonder how is it like to be living in a world of silence. When you see everyone you love, but you can't hear what they're saying. You see their lips move, but no sound comes out of it. You speak, but not many understand.
I wonder, if you've ever heard my voice.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Don't quit
I feel like the people in the Gatorade advertisement.
I will go on.
I will not give up.
I will make myself cope regardless whatever comes. Even if I have to survive on bread and cup noodles everyday for the next 21 months.
Just let me bitch about it once in a while. Oh yes, the chocolates are a must. Dark preferred.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.
Author Unknown
A teacher gave this to us when I was in Secondary 2. I've kept it in my cupboard since then.
It all makes perfect sense now.
Back to work now.
I will go on.
I will not give up.
I will make myself cope regardless whatever comes. Even if I have to survive on bread and cup noodles everyday for the next 21 months.
Just let me bitch about it once in a while. Oh yes, the chocolates are a must. Dark preferred.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.
Author Unknown
A teacher gave this to us when I was in Secondary 2. I've kept it in my cupboard since then.
It all makes perfect sense now.
Back to work now.
Famous Amos.
Famous Amos called me out of the blue that day when I was waiting for Ling. I thought he had called the wrong number as we haven't been contacting since Soulfood days, which was like 1 year ago? Even when I messaged him regarding Jindu auntie's wake he was nonchalent bout it.
I absolutely had no single bit of idea what he could be calling me for. Then I knew. He demanded to know why I didn't tell him when I broke up with Allan. That left me baffled. He isn't in my close circle of friends, nor one of my good friends, he's just an...ex-colleague? I was even avoiding him in Soulfood. What is wrong with this person? Do I have to broadcast my breakup to everyone?
"But I'm not everyone what. Remember before I left Soulfood, I told you no matter when you break up with Allan, tell me."
I was stumped. Dumbfounded and dying to end the call, cos knowing him, I'll probably be tearing my hair out of my head even before the conversation ends. Out of courtesy and "old times' sake", so as to speak, I carried on the conversation despite being extremely confused. 1001 possibilities was running through my mind to what he exactly wanted.
I think we spent half an hour debating to why I had to tell him when I broke up with Allan and why I had another boyfriend. As it always have been, its exhausting to talk to Amos. No, not talk. Baby talk.
Hewanted requested me to go home earlier to talk to him. Leave my friends to go home earlier? FOR HIM?
Some people just don't change. Never will.
I absolutely had no single bit of idea what he could be calling me for. Then I knew. He demanded to know why I didn't tell him when I broke up with Allan. That left me baffled. He isn't in my close circle of friends, nor one of my good friends, he's just an...ex-colleague? I was even avoiding him in Soulfood. What is wrong with this person? Do I have to broadcast my breakup to everyone?
"But I'm not everyone what. Remember before I left Soulfood, I told you no matter when you break up with Allan, tell me."
I was stumped. Dumbfounded and dying to end the call, cos knowing him, I'll probably be tearing my hair out of my head even before the conversation ends. Out of courtesy and "old times' sake", so as to speak, I carried on the conversation despite being extremely confused. 1001 possibilities was running through my mind to what he exactly wanted.
I think we spent half an hour debating to why I had to tell him when I broke up with Allan and why I had another boyfriend. As it always have been, its exhausting to talk to Amos. No, not talk. Baby talk.
He
Some people just don't change. Never will.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I love you. You love me. We are happy family.
The goodbye hug last night was oddly foreign, yet surprisingly comforting in a way, considering it used to be part of our routine. Somehow, we dropped it along the way. I never thought much about this actions cos we were so comfortable with it, it came without much thought.
After such a long absence of this simple action, I start to realise the significance of the sense of touch. It doesn't really take much effort to do it, why haven't we been doing so?
I walked away, with a warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my tummy.
I need a hug now. A gigantic one.
After such a long absence of this simple action, I start to realise the significance of the sense of touch. It doesn't really take much effort to do it, why haven't we been doing so?
I walked away, with a warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my tummy.
I need a hug now. A gigantic one.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Satisfaction Guaranteed
As the girl and I were talking over polar cafe chicken pies for lunch in class yesterday, we were so amazed that we actually woke up so early to go for class on a Sunday, when we didn't even go for weekday afternoon classes in poly!
How we have changed...
It used to be school being a drag and we would skip lessons to go to work earlier. Yet, we couldn't care less if we turned up an hour late for class. Work was an escape. Work was fun. We could leave our brains at home and come to work as bimbos, things would still work out fine. Everyone were so used to seeing us almost everyday, be it the security guards, the weirdo scientists, the moovellous people, the construction workers who asked for "pipes" when they wanted straws, people seeing me run up the slope panting at 6.55am so that I wouldn't get piercing stares from the stall owners.
Fast forward 3 years, we would now leave work early to go to school on time. We actually wake up early on weekends to attend 7 hour seminars and the thought of leaving halfway never once crossed our minds. Not only are we physically there, our minds are there with us too! Now, school is an escape from the burdening work load we get everyday.
Chapter closed.
Well, well, well, I'm happy sitting here with dark chocolates in hand and someone to sing to me at night. Still, a gigantic bolster now for me to curl up to sleep would be really nice.
I'm one satisfied customer.
How we have changed...
It used to be school being a drag and we would skip lessons to go to work earlier. Yet, we couldn't care less if we turned up an hour late for class. Work was an escape. Work was fun. We could leave our brains at home and come to work as bimbos, things would still work out fine. Everyone were so used to seeing us almost everyday, be it the security guards, the weirdo scientists, the moovellous people, the construction workers who asked for "pipes" when they wanted straws, people seeing me run up the slope panting at 6.55am so that I wouldn't get piercing stares from the stall owners.
Fast forward 3 years, we would now leave work early to go to school on time. We actually wake up early on weekends to attend 7 hour seminars and the thought of leaving halfway never once crossed our minds. Not only are we physically there, our minds are there with us too! Now, school is an escape from the burdening work load we get everyday.
Chapter closed.
Well, well, well, I'm happy sitting here with dark chocolates in hand and someone to sing to me at night. Still, a gigantic bolster now for me to curl up to sleep would be really nice.
I'm one satisfied customer.
Monday, August 07, 2006
constant state of cognitive dissonance
Karma does befall.
Not that I didn't believe in it before. But it happened, right before my very eyes.
What I learnt today:
The hierachy of common effects model
Awareness
Perception
Acceptance
Action
Loyalty
Upon action, it brings about a state of cognitive dissonance, whereby we start doubting our actions, asking things like "Did I make the right decision?", then upon which, comes the interferance of competitors. This is the time when competitors are able to make their way in and join in the fun, so as to speak.
There's a parallel similarity between this model and that of dating, if you take the time to realise it. At the point of loyalty (read: commitment), one starts asking "Did I make the right choice?". Ta dah! Competitors start inching in, and the comparison comes in.
We're constantly in the state of cognitive dissonance. Reassurance and some form of guarantee is needed to manouver the heart the right way. Only then, can there be loyalty and low social risk.
We are consumer durables. High social risk. High financial risk.
Not that I didn't believe in it before. But it happened, right before my very eyes.
What I learnt today:
Awareness
Perception
Acceptance
Action
Loyalty
Upon action, it brings about a state of cognitive dissonance, whereby we start doubting our actions, asking things like "Did I make the right decision?", then upon which, comes the interferance of competitors. This is the time when competitors are able to make their way in and join in the fun, so as to speak.
There's a parallel similarity between this model and that of dating, if you take the time to realise it. At the point of loyalty (read: commitment), one starts asking "Did I make the right choice?". Ta dah! Competitors start inching in, and the comparison comes in.
We're constantly in the state of cognitive dissonance. Reassurance and some form of guarantee is needed to manouver the heart the right way. Only then, can there be loyalty and low social risk.
We are consumer durables. High social risk. High financial risk.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
That of Juliet, and her Romeo.
Recalling how I felt while watching Romeo and Juliet, the Leonardo and Claire Danes version, in Bangkok, it's actually kind of well....interesting.
I've actually watched Romeo and Juliet tons of times, be it the 1952 version, the men in tights, the one with the nice song while they were dancing, the black and white version. After approximately 6 - 7 years, its surprising how different I feel when watching the movie. Put them side by side, and you get the before and after picture of me, perspective wise that is.
When I was doing Romeo and Juliet as my literature text in Secondary 3, I'd be in a dreamy state, as though Romeo and Juliet was truly the greatest love story. Ever. The things they do for each other, the buried and textured connotations of Shakespeare, made everything into a lovely package, beautified by my idea of love then.
That was the kind of romance and love story that we longed for, or rather the fairytale, happily ever after kind of romance.
At this time and age, deep down inside of me, I believe I'm still hoping for such romance, not in that elaborate sense, but more of sticking together, working things out together, smoothening the rough road ahead together, without the frills of today's romance, to state it in a more subtle manner, the complications and confusions of principles, beliefs and views in terms of relationships.
The idea of relationships have somewhat become warped and twisted to the extent that there isn't the sense of commitment and sense of desire to keep things strong. Relationships now, aren't what they used to be. Everyone knows this. It's just that no one wants to keep it that way.
Now, not only there isn't "forever", tomorrow is also an uncertainty. It has evolved in such a manner that we live for today. Or rather the moment, cos what's happening now, may not be the same at the end of the day.
My idea of it is after a long day at work, I can't wait to go back and meet my guy. Get a huge smile from him and it melts away the day's fatigue, weariness and "sufferings". He's my source of comfort, my pillar of strength, my fort, basically, I'll need him and I hope it's the same way for him.
It's understood we both have work, we both have other commitments, friends, family whatsoever. We're not connected at the hips, but in our minds, to a certain extent.
Watching Romeo and Juliet now, brings about doubts about the feelings they had for each other. These had been and were issues brought up during Literature lessons then, but it was all for the name of exams then.
Juliet was 13 and Romeo 15. How was it possible that their feelings for each other were strong enough to want to die for each other? Put it in the modern day context, at 13 years of age we'd highly possibly still have beautiful imageries of how love is to be, the "till death do us part" analogy.
I'm dubious how firm the foundation of modern day romances are. As much as I want a simple and heartwarming relationship, I'm caught in the confusion and web of how the perceptions of love is now.
Perhaps, we succumb too much to temptations and are not able to hold our own fort. Perhaps, we're too bogged down by other commitments to be able to commit our hearts.
Perhaps, we're too caught up in wanting the "perfect" partner, we fail to cherish everything else.
Perhaps, with raised expectations the opposite gender has for us, we raise expectations of our partners too. Thus, we can never satisfy our partners the way we would like to, all because we all have an definite idea of how our partners should be. We try too hard to fit our "potential" partners into this mould we have in our heads, and we're coerced by our environment to be perfectionists, we cannot accept the bits of our partners that fall out of the mould.
In the process, we forgot the idea of love, is to love and cherish the person for who he or she is.
We judge others, but we're judged by others too.
Romeo and Juliet isn't anything more than a reflection of how we really want our romances to be. Its the innermost and most innocent idealogy of love when love can change everything and go against all odds.
I've actually watched Romeo and Juliet tons of times, be it the 1952 version, the men in tights, the one with the nice song while they were dancing, the black and white version. After approximately 6 - 7 years, its surprising how different I feel when watching the movie. Put them side by side, and you get the before and after picture of me, perspective wise that is.
When I was doing Romeo and Juliet as my literature text in Secondary 3, I'd be in a dreamy state, as though Romeo and Juliet was truly the greatest love story. Ever. The things they do for each other, the buried and textured connotations of Shakespeare, made everything into a lovely package, beautified by my idea of love then.
That was the kind of romance and love story that we longed for, or rather the fairytale, happily ever after kind of romance.
At this time and age, deep down inside of me, I believe I'm still hoping for such romance, not in that elaborate sense, but more of sticking together, working things out together, smoothening the rough road ahead together, without the frills of today's romance, to state it in a more subtle manner, the complications and confusions of principles, beliefs and views in terms of relationships.
The idea of relationships have somewhat become warped and twisted to the extent that there isn't the sense of commitment and sense of desire to keep things strong. Relationships now, aren't what they used to be. Everyone knows this. It's just that no one wants to keep it that way.
Now, not only there isn't "forever", tomorrow is also an uncertainty. It has evolved in such a manner that we live for today. Or rather the moment, cos what's happening now, may not be the same at the end of the day.
My idea of it is after a long day at work, I can't wait to go back and meet my guy. Get a huge smile from him and it melts away the day's fatigue, weariness and "sufferings". He's my source of comfort, my pillar of strength, my fort, basically, I'll need him and I hope it's the same way for him.
It's understood we both have work, we both have other commitments, friends, family whatsoever. We're not connected at the hips, but in our minds, to a certain extent.
Watching Romeo and Juliet now, brings about doubts about the feelings they had for each other. These had been and were issues brought up during Literature lessons then, but it was all for the name of exams then.
Juliet was 13 and Romeo 15. How was it possible that their feelings for each other were strong enough to want to die for each other? Put it in the modern day context, at 13 years of age we'd highly possibly still have beautiful imageries of how love is to be, the "till death do us part" analogy.
I'm dubious how firm the foundation of modern day romances are. As much as I want a simple and heartwarming relationship, I'm caught in the confusion and web of how the perceptions of love is now.
Perhaps, we succumb too much to temptations and are not able to hold our own fort. Perhaps, we're too bogged down by other commitments to be able to commit our hearts.
Perhaps, we're too caught up in wanting the "perfect" partner, we fail to cherish everything else.
Perhaps, with raised expectations the opposite gender has for us, we raise expectations of our partners too. Thus, we can never satisfy our partners the way we would like to, all because we all have an definite idea of how our partners should be. We try too hard to fit our "potential" partners into this mould we have in our heads, and we're coerced by our environment to be perfectionists, we cannot accept the bits of our partners that fall out of the mould.
In the process, we forgot the idea of love, is to love and cherish the person for who he or she is.
We judge others, but we're judged by others too.
Romeo and Juliet isn't anything more than a reflection of how we really want our romances to be. Its the innermost and most innocent idealogy of love when love can change everything and go against all odds.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Back in office after lunch, minus the lunch itself. Armed with a Snickers bar on my right, and my well-travelled Hello Panda to conserve my sanity.
Snickers bar (definition):
(1)a substitute for dark chocolate Toblerone.
Dark chocolate Toblerone (definition)
(1)Sheena's current addiction and intense craving.
Barely sat down for 5 minutes, my chair's not the least bit warmed by my butt yet, and my boss expects me to work wonders.
I've got a problem.
Every night without fail, when I sleep, I'll clench my jaws very tightly, the whole entire night. I wake up in the morning with very achy jaws. This happens when in the day too, when I don't realise it. I only realise it when all of a sudden, my jaws ache and it has been going on for some time. It used to be clenching of my fists. Then it stopped for a while. I have no idea what else there is to clench. Probably the next thing I'll do is chew on my brother's foot.
I think I need to go get some muscle relaxation pills. I don't want to lose my teeth.
Back to work! For now, before I lose my concentration and come back with another entry.
Snickers bar (definition):
(1)a substitute for dark chocolate Toblerone.
Dark chocolate Toblerone (definition)
(1)Sheena's current addiction and intense craving.
Barely sat down for 5 minutes, my chair's not the least bit warmed by my butt yet, and my boss expects me to work wonders.
I've got a problem.
Every night without fail, when I sleep, I'll clench my jaws very tightly, the whole entire night. I wake up in the morning with very achy jaws. This happens when in the day too, when I don't realise it. I only realise it when all of a sudden, my jaws ache and it has been going on for some time. It used to be clenching of my fists. Then it stopped for a while. I have no idea what else there is to clench. Probably the next thing I'll do is chew on my brother's foot.
I think I need to go get some muscle relaxation pills. I don't want to lose my teeth.
Back to work! For now, before I lose my concentration and come back with another entry.
Battle scars and all.
We're in this together.
Remember our goal, the one we set to push ourselves to study? Yes, that's the exact one that's blinking right before my eyes twenty four hours a day, every single minute, blinding me.
A bad time to start, I agree. I can feel us drowning in all these. I can feel the words, "It's just going to get worse" forcing its way out of our mouths, but we choose to gulp it down and keep it inside.
I wonder how long it'll take us to drive each other crazy with our mad antics.
To the girl who's in this with me, yes, it's all or nothing this time round. We shall battle our way to the end, and emerge proud with our battle scars and all, that shall be the proof to ourselves.
Remember the reward we promised ourselves, our bi-annually Bangkok shopping trip? It's beyond me how we're going to afford it, but we shall. Somehow, some way, we'll figure out as we come by it.
It's astounding and bewildering all wrapped into one tight bun.
Now, to give a big smile and thank you to the one person who pushed me to do this.
Remember our goal, the one we set to push ourselves to study? Yes, that's the exact one that's blinking right before my eyes twenty four hours a day, every single minute, blinding me.
A bad time to start, I agree. I can feel us drowning in all these. I can feel the words, "It's just going to get worse" forcing its way out of our mouths, but we choose to gulp it down and keep it inside.
I wonder how long it'll take us to drive each other crazy with our mad antics.
To the girl who's in this with me, yes, it's all or nothing this time round. We shall battle our way to the end, and emerge proud with our battle scars and all, that shall be the proof to ourselves.
Remember the reward we promised ourselves, our bi-annually Bangkok shopping trip? It's beyond me how we're going to afford it, but we shall. Somehow, some way, we'll figure out as we come by it.
It's astounding and bewildering all wrapped into one tight bun.
Now, to give a big smile and thank you to the one person who pushed me to do this.
Sadistically inviting.
First day of class yesterday. It was a mad rush to get from work to class on time, and I had to literally chase my boss out of his office so that I can leave. With only twenty minutes to class, I figured I had to get a cab cos I wasn't going to run the distance from the station to class. I'd be lying flat in class!
Well, shan't go into that despite the extremely bad experience with the cabby. He had me alight a 5 minutes walk from my destination. I was ready to bonk him on his head with my huge bag and stomp off in exasperation.
Class was fun, though the first half of the class was spent trying hard to focus and getting work out of my mind. The lecturer made lesson fun and enjoyable. Praise my lucky stars! First lesson and we got our first project. I foresee myself pulling more hair out of my head!
Dear, it's okay. I understand. I'm happy for you that he's being so nice now.
I must admit, the long walk to the bus stop and the long ride home was kind of....rejuvenating in some sense. Rolled many thoughts and emotions through my mind, coming to terms and digesting everything that has happened and is happening. That felt good.
Now with work piling up, both the International and the Asia Pacific Conference coming up, school and projects starting again, and I'm reviving my driving lessons which have been in a state of comatose for far too long, it actually makes me feel happy.
Like he says, "It's good to get 2 out of the 1001 things I have to do in my life."
Nonetheless, it's extremely draining and I spend half the time wishing for weekends to come and stay for good. I'm waiting for the chance to go somewhere, sleep the weekend away, to basically, hibernate.
Yes, this isn't Soulfood anymore. No more of that child's play. No more of that kind of fun, peace and laughter. Still having fun, laughter and once in a while peace. But I'm enjoying it, in an odd way.
Sadistic.
On a very freaky note, I was at my void deck reaching home after class, when I glanced up to my unit, something I do out of habit. I distinctly saw a man standing outside my door looking downstairs. I didn't think much of it, assumed it was my dad or a neighbour or some unknown man standing outside. Nothing surprising, considering my block is known for having weird people and happenings. When I went up, I didn't see anyone.
It was until much later that I realised, it was pretty much impossible to have someone stand at that position due to the arrangement of furniture, so to speak, at my doorstep.
Question: Who is that man?
This morning, I was thinking through, it hit me that perhaps, the furniture was thrown away. I absolutely cannot remember. That is how dysfunctional my mind is now. Try as I might, I can't recall.
So, it's now, either there really is a man there, for whatever reason I cannot fathom. Or, was there a "man" there?
Naturally or supernaturally, I choose to live in ignorance. I'd rather not know.
Well, shan't go into that despite the extremely bad experience with the cabby. He had me alight a 5 minutes walk from my destination. I was ready to bonk him on his head with my huge bag and stomp off in exasperation.
Class was fun, though the first half of the class was spent trying hard to focus and getting work out of my mind. The lecturer made lesson fun and enjoyable. Praise my lucky stars! First lesson and we got our first project. I foresee myself pulling more hair out of my head!
Dear, it's okay. I understand. I'm happy for you that he's being so nice now.
I must admit, the long walk to the bus stop and the long ride home was kind of....rejuvenating in some sense. Rolled many thoughts and emotions through my mind, coming to terms and digesting everything that has happened and is happening. That felt good.
Now with work piling up, both the International and the Asia Pacific Conference coming up, school and projects starting again, and I'm reviving my driving lessons which have been in a state of comatose for far too long, it actually makes me feel happy.
Like he says, "It's good to get 2 out of the 1001 things I have to do in my life."
Nonetheless, it's extremely draining and I spend half the time wishing for weekends to come and stay for good. I'm waiting for the chance to go somewhere, sleep the weekend away, to basically, hibernate.
Yes, this isn't Soulfood anymore. No more of that child's play. No more of that kind of fun, peace and laughter. Still having fun, laughter and once in a while peace. But I'm enjoying it, in an odd way.
Sadistic.
On a very freaky note, I was at my void deck reaching home after class, when I glanced up to my unit, something I do out of habit. I distinctly saw a man standing outside my door looking downstairs. I didn't think much of it, assumed it was my dad or a neighbour or some unknown man standing outside. Nothing surprising, considering my block is known for having weird people and happenings. When I went up, I didn't see anyone.
It was until much later that I realised, it was pretty much impossible to have someone stand at that position due to the arrangement of furniture, so to speak, at my doorstep.
Question: Who is that man?
This morning, I was thinking through, it hit me that perhaps, the furniture was thrown away. I absolutely cannot remember. That is how dysfunctional my mind is now. Try as I might, I can't recall.
So, it's now, either there really is a man there, for whatever reason I cannot fathom. Or, was there a "man" there?
Naturally or supernaturally, I choose to live in ignorance. I'd rather not know.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Bittersweet.
I wonder, how many times, do we get mentioned in someone else's blog?
I wonder, am I worth a mention in your blog?
Have you ever?
I wonder, am I worth a mention in your blog?
Have you ever?
Vague certainty
A dream I had...
I found myself at a crossroads, that split itself into crossroads, and at every junction, there's a choice between two different paths.
I've always believed to a certain extent the truth in dreams we have. That explains how deja vu comes about, which I have been experiencing frequently these days. Halfway through conversations, I'd pause as though something just hit me in the head, "I came across this scenario before, this has happened before."
Back to the point.
Dreams to me are, often reminders of our innermost emotions, some we ourselves do not identify or wish not to know, an outlet for suppressed emotions and somewhat of an inkling of what's going to come. I dream frequently. Often more than once in a night. Yet, I can never remember what exactly happened in my dreams, the best I can do is fragments of it. The more I try to recall, the further the memory escapes from me, imagine chasing a kite with a constant gust of wind.
At this point, I wouldn't mind a dream that shakes the innermost suppressed and ignored emotions of me. Time to time, I lose myself in this web I weave for myself.
When I get lost, it's time to feel within and I find myself back. Whichever turn and junction I turn into, be it the path with roses and thorns, or the dark, cold and miserable road I find myself in, I shall come out of it stronger.
It may take me some time to decide which turn I shall take, but I shall get where I want all the same. There will never be any dead ends, cos all I have to do is spend a little more time to undo my path.
It's now my turn to be in this maze, though pretty and captivating, its a maze all the same. The illusions I form for myself may be deceiving at times, but time will lead me out of this.
I cross my fingers and smile cos it happened. I will walk tall, with my head high. I know I will.
We're all puppets of fate in this stage we live on. Therefore, we smile our brightest smile, and put up a good show for all to see.
I found myself at a crossroads, that split itself into crossroads, and at every junction, there's a choice between two different paths.
I've always believed to a certain extent the truth in dreams we have. That explains how deja vu comes about, which I have been experiencing frequently these days. Halfway through conversations, I'd pause as though something just hit me in the head, "I came across this scenario before, this has happened before."
Back to the point.
Dreams to me are, often reminders of our innermost emotions, some we ourselves do not identify or wish not to know, an outlet for suppressed emotions and somewhat of an inkling of what's going to come. I dream frequently. Often more than once in a night. Yet, I can never remember what exactly happened in my dreams, the best I can do is fragments of it. The more I try to recall, the further the memory escapes from me, imagine chasing a kite with a constant gust of wind.
At this point, I wouldn't mind a dream that shakes the innermost suppressed and ignored emotions of me. Time to time, I lose myself in this web I weave for myself.
When I get lost, it's time to feel within and I find myself back. Whichever turn and junction I turn into, be it the path with roses and thorns, or the dark, cold and miserable road I find myself in, I shall come out of it stronger.
It may take me some time to decide which turn I shall take, but I shall get where I want all the same. There will never be any dead ends, cos all I have to do is spend a little more time to undo my path.
It's now my turn to be in this maze, though pretty and captivating, its a maze all the same. The illusions I form for myself may be deceiving at times, but time will lead me out of this.
I cross my fingers and smile cos it happened. I will walk tall, with my head high. I know I will.
We're all puppets of fate in this stage we live on. Therefore, we smile our brightest smile, and put up a good show for all to see.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I hate myself for loving you.
School's starting next week. I'm so excited!
I think I don't give off positive vibes. Perhaps, I've learnt to keep my own emotions under wraps and focus on other people's emotions. Could that be why I don't potray what I truly feel?
I remember one incident when I was working, I was up to my neck in work, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was my boyfriend at that time. Since then, I refrained from calling or messaging my boyfriend too often when he's working, purely cos I know how it feels like and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.
No matter how much I want to talk to you, I'll just work to kill time so you don't have to rush through work and perhaps, I can still meet you for dinner.
I don't suppose I require a lot of attention from my guy. I treasure my alone time. I treasure my time with my girls. I treasure my time with my friends. I treasure my time with my girlfriend. At the same time, I treasure quality time with my boyfriend.
I do need time with him, but I understand if he has other commitments or plans too.
I don't want to be so clingy and have to meet my boyfriend even if its a short while. I don't mind going all the way down just to buy food for him. I can even wait for him to finish work to meet him. But, I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I know you'll be tired after work. Thus, no matter how much I want to see you, I can refrain, unless you give me the go ahead.
I think Bangkok's a curse.
If I weren't happy and you didn't mean a thing,
I wouldn't jump to see my caller id to see who's calling.
I wouldn't check my phone every half and hour to see if there's a message from you.
I wouldn't be waiting in the office, doing work slowly just to be able to meet you.
I wouldn't be waiting for your phone call everyday despite being dead tired.
I wouldn't feel like this right now.
I wouldn't be looking for the book you wanted from Thailand to Singapore.
I wouldn't be dragging Farena to every single stall that sells cufflinks.
I wouldn't be buying little cards to brighten up your day.
I wouldn't be thinking of you right now.
I wouldn't be affected at all.
I wouldn't be so confused.
I wouldn't be pulling my hair out now to think of ways to make things right.
I wouldn't want you back. But I do.
I wouldn't miss you like crazy like how I am now.
I wouldn't switch to and fro the msn screen to see if you're online.
I wouldn't be saving every single of your messages and read them over and over.
The list could go on and on.
I mentioned before, I don't say things I don't mean. I don't have to go through all the trouble to beautify something that isn't true right? What happened before is history. I do not want history to repeat.
As for my mother, the way you deal with your family is different from mine. Like I told you before, no matter what, she's still my mother. I cannot not be affected by her. Part of me still want to make things right, like how things you are with your mum. I envy that. I want that.
I am used to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me from time to time. It's not always purely the reason that gets me down, but a combination of factors. I don't share cos I feel its insignificant.
Its the same way for you too isn't it? A love-hate relationship with your family. That's the way things are. For me. I can get used to her antics, but I cannot keep her out of my life.
But I've learnt to live with it. Just grumbles and laments from time to time.
I stand by my words that I'm glad our paths cross and I'm truly happy with you. I'm sorry if I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. But I assure you, things aren't the way you see it.
All I want is a simple relationship. One where we can seek comfort from each other. I don't need lavish stuff, I'm easily satisfied. Minus all the complexities. Simple and heartwarming.
I still love you baby.
I think I don't give off positive vibes. Perhaps, I've learnt to keep my own emotions under wraps and focus on other people's emotions. Could that be why I don't potray what I truly feel?
I remember one incident when I was working, I was up to my neck in work, and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was my boyfriend at that time. Since then, I refrained from calling or messaging my boyfriend too often when he's working, purely cos I know how it feels like and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.
No matter how much I want to talk to you, I'll just work to kill time so you don't have to rush through work and perhaps, I can still meet you for dinner.
I don't suppose I require a lot of attention from my guy. I treasure my alone time. I treasure my time with my girls. I treasure my time with my friends. I treasure my time with my girlfriend. At the same time, I treasure quality time with my boyfriend.
I do need time with him, but I understand if he has other commitments or plans too.
I don't want to be so clingy and have to meet my boyfriend even if its a short while. I don't mind going all the way down just to buy food for him. I can even wait for him to finish work to meet him. But, I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I know you'll be tired after work. Thus, no matter how much I want to see you, I can refrain, unless you give me the go ahead.
I think Bangkok's a curse.
If I weren't happy and you didn't mean a thing,
I wouldn't jump to see my caller id to see who's calling.
I wouldn't check my phone every half and hour to see if there's a message from you.
I wouldn't be waiting in the office, doing work slowly just to be able to meet you.
I wouldn't be waiting for your phone call everyday despite being dead tired.
I wouldn't feel like this right now.
I wouldn't be looking for the book you wanted from Thailand to Singapore.
I wouldn't be dragging Farena to every single stall that sells cufflinks.
I wouldn't be buying little cards to brighten up your day.
I wouldn't be thinking of you right now.
I wouldn't be affected at all.
I wouldn't be so confused.
I wouldn't be pulling my hair out now to think of ways to make things right.
I wouldn't want you back. But I do.
I wouldn't miss you like crazy like how I am now.
I wouldn't switch to and fro the msn screen to see if you're online.
I wouldn't be saving every single of your messages and read them over and over.
The list could go on and on.
I mentioned before, I don't say things I don't mean. I don't have to go through all the trouble to beautify something that isn't true right? What happened before is history. I do not want history to repeat.
As for my mother, the way you deal with your family is different from mine. Like I told you before, no matter what, she's still my mother. I cannot not be affected by her. Part of me still want to make things right, like how things you are with your mum. I envy that. I want that.
I am used to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me from time to time. It's not always purely the reason that gets me down, but a combination of factors. I don't share cos I feel its insignificant.
Its the same way for you too isn't it? A love-hate relationship with your family. That's the way things are. For me. I can get used to her antics, but I cannot keep her out of my life.
But I've learnt to live with it. Just grumbles and laments from time to time.
I stand by my words that I'm glad our paths cross and I'm truly happy with you. I'm sorry if I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. But I assure you, things aren't the way you see it.
All I want is a simple relationship. One where we can seek comfort from each other. I don't need lavish stuff, I'm easily satisfied. Minus all the complexities. Simple and heartwarming.
I still love you baby.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I like to sit alone amidst bustling crowds.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.
I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.
I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.
The above are just random thoughts about me. Miscellaneous things that came to my mind just at this point of time. Things I've always known, but have never gotten about to sitting down and listing them down.
There are actually many more about me. Perhaps, I haven't gotten to discovering them myself.
I like to watch people.
I like to sit in a corner with a book and sink myself into my own chosen world.
I like to take long bus rides.
I love to go to the airport to read.
I like to shut myself out from the world from time to time.
I like to stop thinking once in a while.
I like to write out my thoughts on books I keep, and read them over and over again.
I like to reminise every now and then.
I like being a little melancholic, just to find balance within myself.
I like to write to myself, to see myself in the third person perspective.
I like to drown in my thoughts and write them down while on long bus rides.
I like it when I receive a nice message amidst a humongous workload.
I like it even more when the message makes me smile to myself.
I like it when people wish me good morning.
I like it when I satisfy a craving, regardless how simple it is.
I like it when something unexpected happens, and turns out well.
I like warm and fuzzy feelings.
I try my best not to delete nice messages.
I talk to myself when I'm super duperly stressed.
I love romantic comedies.
I think ALOT.
I love the smell of babies.
I love men perfumes more than perfumes for women.
I like to cook.
I like to write out song lyrics.
I love dark chocolate.
I like to buy cards for people I love.
I love smurfs!
I shop for therapy.
I do not like train rides.
I get chills from scratching my nails against paper, or most things for that matter.
I do not drink milk.
I do not like egg yolks.
I am very easily satisfied and pleased, simple gestures do wonders.
I can be very indecisive.
I absolutely hate it when I put in effort to do something for someone, and I don't get appreciated.
The above are just random thoughts about me. Miscellaneous things that came to my mind just at this point of time. Things I've always known, but have never gotten about to sitting down and listing them down.
There are actually many more about me. Perhaps, I haven't gotten to discovering them myself.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
You. Me. That's all.
I am pissed. Very pissed.
But I shall keep quiet.
This place means nothing more to me anymore. Perhaps, not even in the first place.
I should have stayed out.
But I shall keep quiet.
This place means nothing more to me anymore. Perhaps, not even in the first place.
I should have stayed out.
7 dresses, 5 tops, 4 bags, 1 watch, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of cuff links later......
"May JetStar Asia passengers Ms Nursafarena binte Abdul Rahim and Ms Sim Shu Fen Sheena please proceed to Gate D32 for immediate boarding."
We, were too engrossed playing with our phones and talking, and totally forgot about boarding the plane 40 mins before time! When we heard our names booming over the system of the airport, we ran! Ran like there were a thousand mad men behind us. It was soooo funny, yet so memorable. What a way to start our virgin girlfriend trip overseas.
In fact, the day didn't start off too well with me being super duper late and the appearance of the Mother. Well, it was all pretty much forgotten once we stepped foot into the plane. Excitement and anxiety was an entire hive of bees in our tummies, as we blabbered throughout the 2 hour flight to keep Farena's motion sickness at bay.
Day One:
Thank goodness for our in-built female instincts that prevented us from being cheated of 700 Baht for a 30 minute taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Which instead, cost us 180 Baht instead! After the hustle and bustle of checking in and all, we settled for a nice and warm dinner of not very yummy Pad Thai and yummy dummy tom yam woon sen!
Day Two:
We woke up early for the invasion of Chatuchak market. Armed with intense hunger for shopping, and our shopping bags, we pranced into Chatuchak market, jumping for joy. Once our dear Farena started the ball rolling, it rolled and rolled and rolled and there was no end! Spent less than 5 minutes in every single shop and came out with something, barely 2 hours later, we raised the white flag for part one of our shopping frenzy. At this point, our shopping bags were threatening to burst and our wallets were deflating at an alarming rate. We had to stop for a breather before we hyperventilated and dehydrated and died right there on the spot looking like mad aunties.
Part Two was slow cos our weak hearts couldn't take the rate of our expenditure anymore. The heat was sizzling us like some hotcakes and our backs were breaking. After 5 hours of bargaining and racing heartbeats, we threw in the towel and called it quits. Only to realise, we only conquered a grand total of an incomplete section of the Chatuchak market.
We were SGD 400 poorer.
The rest of the day and night was spent recuperating and rehydrating and of course, as our brains gave up on us, our bimbotic alter egos set in and hours of fashion shows was put up right in our hotel room.
Finally at 7, we concussed. We didn't even make it to MBK as initially planned even in our pyjamas. That was how dead we were.
Utterly defeated by Chatuchak market. Tsk tsk tsk.
Day Three:
The MBK, Siam Center and Siam Paragon is the ultimate shopper's paradise. As we proceeded along the linked walkways between the shopping centres, we felt the less need to pull out our wallets. We were happy and satisfied.
Oh! The cafes were simply beeauuutiffuulllll.
Once again, our dear Farena never fails to impress. She ordered Turquoise Fizz, the menu stated the ingredients as such: (Grenadine, Pineapple Juice and Pear Juice). She, tried so hard to make it understood to the minimal English speaking cute guy waiter that she wanted PINEAPPLE JUICE while pointing vigorously at TURQUOISE FIZZ. Poor guy. Poor poor poor confused creature.
I nearly fainted with laughter.
Siam Paragon is pure tai tai's heaven. NO shopping centre in Singapore can beat Siam Paragon. NONE even comes close. We couldn't even find a single Watson's in Siam Paragon to replenish the batteries of my dead camera. The supermarket was a Gourmet Market. Where else can you find Ferarri, Lamborghini, Porsche, BMW, Maserati, Hermes, Chanel, Tod's, and the list just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, in the same building that's designed to take your breath away even before you even stepped into the building??
I cannot even go on to elaborate how gorgeous the place is. It was so beautiful I didn't know where exactly to get out of the building.
After one round of purely window shopping, not by choice, we went back to our hotel.
Initial plan was to head for Suan Lum Night Market, but we somehow ended up at the wrong BTS station cos of wrong directions given by the BTS staff.
We ended up at Patpong, Thailand's red light district.
Even so, we shopped like there was no tomorrow despite being pestered every 5 minutes to go for a "Pussy sex show - very cheap, very nice!", try that in Thai accent.
These Thai men have no qualms about grabbing female tourists by their arms. By the end of it, both of us felt like if we were touched one more time, we would bonk them on their heads with our shopping bags.
Patpong was an adventure.
This is the time I saw Farena, totally lose focus, most probably due to culture shock. She just spaced out most of the time, and you can't imagine the funniest things she would say. Try bargaining with Farena smiling VERY apologetically to the stall owner saying "Sorry sorry, we don't have enough money on us, so we cannot buy.", while trying very hard to pull her away and the stall owner also trying very hard to hold us back.
I felt like a piece of chewing gum stuck between the floor and someone's slipper.
We accidentally wandered into a super duper dark alley, with absolutely no lights, and NO ONE. Well, let's just say we came out safely, to continue on our Patpong misadventure.
Almost done with our shopping, Miss Farena announces "I'm getting the hang of this!".
Thank you dear, we're seriously almost done here.
By the second day, we had already packed our luggages.
By the third night, we had already packed, unpacked, and repacked our luggages, trying to do our utmost to shut the zips.
In all, we couldn't bear to leave Bangkok. The shopping, the tom yam woon sen, the SGD 1.20 beef kway teow that was so delicious, the bargaining, the dunkin' donuts and the honking cars that came from EVERY single possible direction.
We will definitely come back. Soon. I'll leave the pics to Farena. I'm too lazy.
We, were too engrossed playing with our phones and talking, and totally forgot about boarding the plane 40 mins before time! When we heard our names booming over the system of the airport, we ran! Ran like there were a thousand mad men behind us. It was soooo funny, yet so memorable. What a way to start our virgin girlfriend trip overseas.
In fact, the day didn't start off too well with me being super duper late and the appearance of the Mother. Well, it was all pretty much forgotten once we stepped foot into the plane. Excitement and anxiety was an entire hive of bees in our tummies, as we blabbered throughout the 2 hour flight to keep Farena's motion sickness at bay.
Day One:
Thank goodness for our in-built female instincts that prevented us from being cheated of 700 Baht for a 30 minute taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Which instead, cost us 180 Baht instead! After the hustle and bustle of checking in and all, we settled for a nice and warm dinner of not very yummy Pad Thai and yummy dummy tom yam woon sen!
Day Two:
We woke up early for the invasion of Chatuchak market. Armed with intense hunger for shopping, and our shopping bags, we pranced into Chatuchak market, jumping for joy. Once our dear Farena started the ball rolling, it rolled and rolled and rolled and there was no end! Spent less than 5 minutes in every single shop and came out with something, barely 2 hours later, we raised the white flag for part one of our shopping frenzy. At this point, our shopping bags were threatening to burst and our wallets were deflating at an alarming rate. We had to stop for a breather before we hyperventilated and dehydrated and died right there on the spot looking like mad aunties.
Part Two was slow cos our weak hearts couldn't take the rate of our expenditure anymore. The heat was sizzling us like some hotcakes and our backs were breaking. After 5 hours of bargaining and racing heartbeats, we threw in the towel and called it quits. Only to realise, we only conquered a grand total of an incomplete section of the Chatuchak market.
We were SGD 400 poorer.
The rest of the day and night was spent recuperating and rehydrating and of course, as our brains gave up on us, our bimbotic alter egos set in and hours of fashion shows was put up right in our hotel room.
Finally at 7, we concussed. We didn't even make it to MBK as initially planned even in our pyjamas. That was how dead we were.
Utterly defeated by Chatuchak market. Tsk tsk tsk.
Day Three:
The MBK, Siam Center and Siam Paragon is the ultimate shopper's paradise. As we proceeded along the linked walkways between the shopping centres, we felt the less need to pull out our wallets. We were happy and satisfied.
Oh! The cafes were simply beeauuutiffuulllll.
Once again, our dear Farena never fails to impress. She ordered Turquoise Fizz, the menu stated the ingredients as such: (Grenadine, Pineapple Juice and Pear Juice). She, tried so hard to make it understood to the minimal English speaking cute guy waiter that she wanted PINEAPPLE JUICE while pointing vigorously at TURQUOISE FIZZ. Poor guy. Poor poor poor confused creature.
I nearly fainted with laughter.
Siam Paragon is pure tai tai's heaven. NO shopping centre in Singapore can beat Siam Paragon. NONE even comes close. We couldn't even find a single Watson's in Siam Paragon to replenish the batteries of my dead camera. The supermarket was a Gourmet Market. Where else can you find Ferarri, Lamborghini, Porsche, BMW, Maserati, Hermes, Chanel, Tod's, and the list just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, in the same building that's designed to take your breath away even before you even stepped into the building??
I cannot even go on to elaborate how gorgeous the place is. It was so beautiful I didn't know where exactly to get out of the building.
After one round of purely window shopping, not by choice, we went back to our hotel.
Initial plan was to head for Suan Lum Night Market, but we somehow ended up at the wrong BTS station cos of wrong directions given by the BTS staff.
We ended up at Patpong, Thailand's red light district.
Even so, we shopped like there was no tomorrow despite being pestered every 5 minutes to go for a "Pussy sex show - very cheap, very nice!", try that in Thai accent.
These Thai men have no qualms about grabbing female tourists by their arms. By the end of it, both of us felt like if we were touched one more time, we would bonk them on their heads with our shopping bags.
Patpong was an adventure.
This is the time I saw Farena, totally lose focus, most probably due to culture shock. She just spaced out most of the time, and you can't imagine the funniest things she would say. Try bargaining with Farena smiling VERY apologetically to the stall owner saying "Sorry sorry, we don't have enough money on us, so we cannot buy.", while trying very hard to pull her away and the stall owner also trying very hard to hold us back.
I felt like a piece of chewing gum stuck between the floor and someone's slipper.
We accidentally wandered into a super duper dark alley, with absolutely no lights, and NO ONE. Well, let's just say we came out safely, to continue on our Patpong misadventure.
Almost done with our shopping, Miss Farena announces "I'm getting the hang of this!".
Thank you dear, we're seriously almost done here.
By the second day, we had already packed our luggages.
By the third night, we had already packed, unpacked, and repacked our luggages, trying to do our utmost to shut the zips.
In all, we couldn't bear to leave Bangkok. The shopping, the tom yam woon sen, the SGD 1.20 beef kway teow that was so delicious, the bargaining, the dunkin' donuts and the honking cars that came from EVERY single possible direction.
We will definitely come back. Soon. I'll leave the pics to Farena. I'm too lazy.
Friday, July 21, 2006
I need air.
I feel...suffocated, like being chin-deep in water, there's air, but it's not enough, not enough for me to breathe comfortably, but just hanging there. Every breath I take requires an intense amount of energy just to sustain my sanity.
I want to help but there's only so much I can do. Just so much.
I wish I could. I feel so so so so bad. I am sorry.
I see what's going on and it hits me hard. I don't know how to help other than just be there. This is when I realised, how grey the area is between right and wrong. Neither way sounds right, yet neither way sounds wrong.
On another note, I am so traumatised by the sudden increase of deaths around me. I've attended like 2 wakes in this week. To be honest, I am freaking out. It never affected me this much cos it didn't happen to people I know or around me.
This is no good.
My grandparents are old and not in fantastic health.
I just pray nothing happens any time soon.
Please be strong.
Pretty please, with ice cream and chocolate chips and chocolate syrup on top?
I want to help but there's only so much I can do. Just so much.
I wish I could. I feel so so so so bad. I am sorry.
I see what's going on and it hits me hard. I don't know how to help other than just be there. This is when I realised, how grey the area is between right and wrong. Neither way sounds right, yet neither way sounds wrong.
On another note, I am so traumatised by the sudden increase of deaths around me. I've attended like 2 wakes in this week. To be honest, I am freaking out. It never affected me this much cos it didn't happen to people I know or around me.
This is no good.
My grandparents are old and not in fantastic health.
I just pray nothing happens any time soon.
Please be strong.
Pretty please, with ice cream and chocolate chips and chocolate syrup on top?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
My joy. My sacrifices. My degree.
I got accepted! I got accepted! I got accepted!
I just couldn't believe it when I saw the message. I wasn't expecting a reply or was I waiting by my phone anxiously, thus, the greater joy in getting the news. The bigger surprise was, I'm exempted from 10 modules! Even though some modules I thought I'd be exempted turned out otherwise, I am so so so glad that my doomed modules are exempted for me! No more accounting, no more stats, no more econs!
Baby, I don't have to bother you to stuff me with econs theories! Aren't you glad?
Instead, I'm left with the more interesting modules of the lot for me to plough my way through! Sounds like I'm looking forward to a hard time. I do miss studying, though not working a permanant job and studying at the same time. In additon to the increasing amount of work that is expected of me, the course will most probably squeeze every single ounce of sanity out of me!
All I feel like doing now is jumping all over the office screaming at the top of my voice and giving everyone a great big hug! But no, I shall sit quietly at my desk, masking the uncontrollable smile that makes me feel like everything inside of me has just turned into marshmallows, and scream at everyone in MSN instead.
Dear, you'll get your letter real soon all right? I'm conserving my energy to scream together with you, jumping and hopping our way all over Bangkok! Then we'll go for a HUGE, ENORMOUS, ELEPHANTOUS, DINOSAUROUS, GODZILLA celebration! Cheers with tom yam soup and birds' nest, come back all rejuvenated and ready to start our pursuit of this piece of paper!
Oh oh oh! I'll remember your "long service award" too!
I just couldn't believe it when I saw the message. I wasn't expecting a reply or was I waiting by my phone anxiously, thus, the greater joy in getting the news. The bigger surprise was, I'm exempted from 10 modules! Even though some modules I thought I'd be exempted turned out otherwise, I am so so so glad that my doomed modules are exempted for me! No more accounting, no more stats, no more econs!
Baby, I don't have to bother you to stuff me with econs theories! Aren't you glad?
Instead, I'm left with the more interesting modules of the lot for me to plough my way through! Sounds like I'm looking forward to a hard time. I do miss studying, though not working a permanant job and studying at the same time. In additon to the increasing amount of work that is expected of me, the course will most probably squeeze every single ounce of sanity out of me!
All I feel like doing now is jumping all over the office screaming at the top of my voice and giving everyone a great big hug! But no, I shall sit quietly at my desk, masking the uncontrollable smile that makes me feel like everything inside of me has just turned into marshmallows, and scream at everyone in MSN instead.
Dear, you'll get your letter real soon all right? I'm conserving my energy to scream together with you, jumping and hopping our way all over Bangkok! Then we'll go for a HUGE, ENORMOUS, ELEPHANTOUS, DINOSAUROUS, GODZILLA celebration! Cheers with tom yam soup and birds' nest, come back all rejuvenated and ready to start our pursuit of this piece of paper!
Oh oh oh! I'll remember your "long service award" too!
Monday, July 17, 2006
butterflies in my tummy
Countdown: 5 more days!!!!! The wait is making me feel queasy!
We're going to shop like crazy, eat like crazy, and just simply, let our hair down!
Sat Check-in. Night shopping at Suan Lam
Sun Morning shopping at Chatuchak, then fear factor challenge where jakun Farena will try the exotic food there. Peach moments at night.
Mon Massage, hair highlights, manipedi & more food discovery.
Tue Chill @ hotel, squeeze all things bought into luggage, head back SG where I have an event to attend. ARGH!
The above is Farena's version of our itinerary. Sounds simple, but I tell you, I can foresee us running around like duracell rabbits rushing to get enough shopping to satisfy our "starving appetites"! Everything else has become secondary. Our long awaited, do whatever we want, drink like no one's business, eat like we'll never get fat, hotel stay is finally here!!
I just hope we don't shop till we lose our way back. Judging from the way we both usually do. I feel like the butterflies from my tummy are trying hard to flutter their way out!
Absolutely right dear! Our goal in 2 year's time for you and 4 year's time for me! And I can't believe we're working towards it together! Even though I'm dreading it and yet still looking forward to when school starts. But yayyy! I'm glad we're having a hard time together!
Oh, but dear, you sell your soul to every company you work with. So that's not really valid you know?
We're going to shop like crazy, eat like crazy, and just simply, let our hair down!
Sat Check-in. Night shopping at Suan Lam
Sun Morning shopping at Chatuchak, then fear factor challenge where jakun Farena will try the exotic food there. Peach moments at night.
Mon Massage, hair highlights, manipedi & more food discovery.
Tue Chill @ hotel, squeeze all things bought into luggage, head back SG where I have an event to attend. ARGH!
The above is Farena's version of our itinerary. Sounds simple, but I tell you, I can foresee us running around like duracell rabbits rushing to get enough shopping to satisfy our "starving appetites"! Everything else has become secondary. Our long awaited, do whatever we want, drink like no one's business, eat like we'll never get fat, hotel stay is finally here!!
I just hope we don't shop till we lose our way back. Judging from the way we both usually do. I feel like the butterflies from my tummy are trying hard to flutter their way out!
Absolutely right dear! Our goal in 2 year's time for you and 4 year's time for me! And I can't believe we're working towards it together! Even though I'm dreading it and yet still looking forward to when school starts. But yayyy! I'm glad we're having a hard time together!
Oh, but dear, you sell your soul to every company you work with. So that's not really valid you know?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Goodbye.
I'm in shock.
Still in shock.
Life is so unpredictable.
Thanks for being the really nice person you were. The wonderful treats and delicious food you made. The coffee you needed every morning. Or tea. The help you rendered to us.
Goodbye forever.
Still in shock.
Life is so unpredictable.
Thanks for being the really nice person you were. The wonderful treats and delicious food you made. The coffee you needed every morning. Or tea. The help you rendered to us.
Goodbye forever.
亲爱的你怎么不在身边
Our minds complicate our senses. We see things that are right smack in our faces, yet our mind forces us to look past them. We hear what people say, we interpret in what we feel is pleasing to us. Or what we would like to come from that person.
See. Perceive. Register. Digest. React. Act.
Somewhere in the process, it get twisted and tossed, like the game where the first person is suppposed to pass a message down the line, and at the end of it, the entire message becomes distorted.
And that's what makes it so hard.
Have you ever felt like your mind and your heart thinks 2 different ways? Like your mind says this should be the right thing to do, yet your heart says otherwise. It feels like I'm having a massacre going on the inside of me.
At times, my mind wins a little, and I start leaning over to this side.
Barely 5 minutes later, I decide otherwise.
How do you think with a combination of your mind and your heart? Personally, I think it's pretty far fetched.
At this very moment, my mind is having a very hard time persuading and convincing my heart to think the other way trying to stop me from doing something stupid I'll regret. I hope.
I miss you so bad
But its all right
Things are sunny on my side
I hope you're on your way back
No idea how long it'll take
Crossing my fingers and toes
It'll be real soon
Cos I still want you with me
Keeping these thoughts within me
A secret I can't reveal
Fumbling through the tunnel
Anticipating the unexpected
I'll be a couple of steps behind
Just in case you need me
I'm doing fine
Don't worry about me
See. Perceive. Register. Digest. React. Act.
Somewhere in the process, it get twisted and tossed, like the game where the first person is suppposed to pass a message down the line, and at the end of it, the entire message becomes distorted.
And that's what makes it so hard.
Have you ever felt like your mind and your heart thinks 2 different ways? Like your mind says this should be the right thing to do, yet your heart says otherwise. It feels like I'm having a massacre going on the inside of me.
At times, my mind wins a little, and I start leaning over to this side.
Barely 5 minutes later, I decide otherwise.
How do you think with a combination of your mind and your heart? Personally, I think it's pretty far fetched.
At this very moment, my mind is having a very hard time persuading and convincing my heart to think the other way trying to stop me from doing something stupid I'll regret. I hope.
I miss you so bad
But its all right
Things are sunny on my side
I hope you're on your way back
No idea how long it'll take
Crossing my fingers and toes
It'll be real soon
Cos I still want you with me
Keeping these thoughts within me
A secret I can't reveal
Fumbling through the tunnel
Anticipating the unexpected
I'll be a couple of steps behind
Just in case you need me
I'm doing fine
Don't worry about me
Tinted shades on a rainy day
There's a nigging feeling at the pit of my stomach.
But, I have no idea what's it about. It's just going round and round about in circles at the bottom of my tummy.
"Look at me,you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday it says if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"
____________________________________
It's a beautiful sight ahead
Though misty, foggy at times
Perhaps, that's the beauty
Of the road in front
I stop to wonder and to think
Dwell in the ambiguousness
With shades covering my eyes
The rosy picture I paint for myself
This road before me
Uncertain yet intriguing
Compels me to move forward
With a smile and a thousand thoughts
From time to time
We stop to take a break
From the hustle and bustle
Of finding the light at the end of the tunnel
Coming across pebbles and rocks
With every single step I take
It's the sand that irritates
Not the rocks we can avoid
Enjoying the stroll
For now I take a rest
As my mind registers all that I see
Closing my eyes to lock them all inside
But, I have no idea what's it about. It's just going round and round about in circles at the bottom of my tummy.
"Look at me,you may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday it says if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"
____________________________________
It's a beautiful sight ahead
Though misty, foggy at times
Perhaps, that's the beauty
Of the road in front
I stop to wonder and to think
Dwell in the ambiguousness
With shades covering my eyes
The rosy picture I paint for myself
This road before me
Uncertain yet intriguing
Compels me to move forward
With a smile and a thousand thoughts
From time to time
We stop to take a break
From the hustle and bustle
Of finding the light at the end of the tunnel
Coming across pebbles and rocks
With every single step I take
It's the sand that irritates
Not the rocks we can avoid
Enjoying the stroll
For now I take a rest
As my mind registers all that I see
Closing my eyes to lock them all inside
Friday, July 14, 2006
Let it be.
I'm sorry I hadn't been understanding enough.
I know things have been hard on you lately, and how its all been affecting you.
Focus on whatever you should do now, I'm just a phonecall or sms away.
Don't worry bout me, I'm fine and dandy.
All right? =)
Oh oh oh! I came across my Da Vinci Code ticket stub yesterday. What a pleasant surprise.
Countdown: 8 more days to Bangkok!!!!! I can't wait! We'll go shopping like crazyyyyy, eat like crazyyy, and the whole hotel room to ourselves! Right dear?
I know things have been hard on you lately, and how its all been affecting you.
Focus on whatever you should do now, I'm just a phonecall or sms away.
Don't worry bout me, I'm fine and dandy.
All right? =)
Oh oh oh! I came across my Da Vinci Code ticket stub yesterday. What a pleasant surprise.
Countdown: 8 more days to Bangkok!!!!! I can't wait! We'll go shopping like crazyyyyy, eat like crazyyy, and the whole hotel room to ourselves! Right dear?
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
no longer privileged.
Met up with my girls last night. As usual, it was a time of catching up, voicing out our concerns, lament about whatever is happening in our lives so on and so forth. It was much needed and appreciated.
We were talking about why do we feel like we're 30 and not 21.
I realised.
We were 16, as much as we had tons of fun and memorable times, we were...sixteen.
We had the privilege of doing shit things, go to shit places, and still get away with it. We could waste our time cos we could afford to waste that time.
It's different now.
We work cos we need to feed ourselves. No longer sheltered, no longer privileged.
That's just the way it is.
The times we had are definitely missed and no doubt I WANT it back. Things don't always go your way.
This is one thing that won't.
We're no longer sixteen. When the only thing we had to worry about was passing O levels.
We were talking about why do we feel like we're 30 and not 21.
I realised.
We were 16, as much as we had tons of fun and memorable times, we were...sixteen.
We had the privilege of doing shit things, go to shit places, and still get away with it. We could waste our time cos we could afford to waste that time.
It's different now.
We work cos we need to feed ourselves. No longer sheltered, no longer privileged.
That's just the way it is.
The times we had are definitely missed and no doubt I WANT it back. Things don't always go your way.
This is one thing that won't.
We're no longer sixteen. When the only thing we had to worry about was passing O levels.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Dear So and So
Appear that the letter wars are starting once again. It just makes my tummy churn and my heart sink when I try so hard to push myself to go on, and yet, it all boils down to nothing. I do have my priorities set straight. The only issue here is, my priorities are nothing like what you expect my priorities be and just because this is the case, you conclude I'm in the wrong frame of mind. It will always boil down to this. ALWAYS.
Somehow, its not the big issues that get to you, cos we've all learnt to deal and manouveur ourselves round these obstacles. Instead, its the nitty gritty details that pile up into one whole ball of mess that irks and weighs you down.
One leads to another and then to another and this whole ball of mess seems to be impossible to handle. We've all been there.
You're never alone, and tons out there are in a worse situation than you are. We all learn to lean on each other for support. Nonetheless, some of these so called "support" can actually bring you down even further.
When an entity brings about tears, look to another entity for that smile.
A night out with my girls makes it easier for me to lift myself up.
A nice dinner with my guy makes my day.
A simple message from someone close can make me smile.
A smile from you makes it all seem worthwhile.
A hug can be healing.
With all these, it may just be a temporary escape to our own protected world, where everything is right, and everything is the way we want it. But why not? If this little escape can give us that tiny little push that perhaps is all we need to succeed? Even if we don't, we have moved a step ahead.
"Focusing on someone else's problem can make your own seem so much less significant. As such, your problems become so much easier to handle. It's just a matter of getting over yourself." (Yes Errol, this line worked wonders for me.)
When it all gets too tough, take a break, have a kit kat, or MacDonald meal for that matter, anything that works for you, just to rejuvenate and find your focus once again. Well, a tub of chocolatey ice cream can create miracles, for me that is.
I used to write in diaries. ALOT. Until I ran out of time. Or naps on bus rides seem to make more sense then jiggly writing in diaries. Or when its easier to type it all out cos the computer's my best friend now. I never throw these diaries away. I take them out once in a while, read it through, and have a good laugh about it. It's really amazing to realise how those impossible mountains to climb seem to just be molehills when you look back.
Like the time the O Levels was killing me, and I thought I would never made it through. Well, I did.
Like the time I was camping in my living room for one week for projects' sake, I thought I would never complete them despite sleeping just an hour a day for a week, staring at the screen to find that tiny little comma in the entire program that would make a great difference. WELL, I did, just not as well as I would have liked it to be.
Like the time I fried my thumb in boiling oil, I was wailing buckets. Now, I think its amusing.
Oh yes, and the time we were peeling oranges by the cartons everyday. I was working 16 hour shifts and dreaming about peeling oranges the remaining 8. I felt I smelt orangey no matter how much I bathed. I'm VERY sure I don't now.
The time when I was 5 and my dad when for reservist training on my birthday. I thought the army didn't like me and was punishing me. I BAWLED. Now, I wish he would go back to reservist training.
How bout the time I fell on my butt, and for that moment, I couldn't feel my legs. I was convinced I was going to be paralysed waist down. I felt extremely dumb after that. Stop reminding me.
Things happen for a reason and there's a reason why we're given harder tasks to accomplish. That's because we are capable of succeeding, and coming out unscathed.
I shall go think of a response to the letter I found on my bed last night.
Here goes...
Dear Mother,
Thank you for your letter.
With regards to your claims and accusations, I'm sorry to inform you that they are completely without basis. Kindly obtain more concrete information before giving feedback.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you and best regards,
Your Daughter
Somehow, its not the big issues that get to you, cos we've all learnt to deal and manouveur ourselves round these obstacles. Instead, its the nitty gritty details that pile up into one whole ball of mess that irks and weighs you down.
One leads to another and then to another and this whole ball of mess seems to be impossible to handle. We've all been there.
You're never alone, and tons out there are in a worse situation than you are. We all learn to lean on each other for support. Nonetheless, some of these so called "support" can actually bring you down even further.
When an entity brings about tears, look to another entity for that smile.
A night out with my girls makes it easier for me to lift myself up.
A nice dinner with my guy makes my day.
A simple message from someone close can make me smile.
A smile from you makes it all seem worthwhile.
A hug can be healing.
With all these, it may just be a temporary escape to our own protected world, where everything is right, and everything is the way we want it. But why not? If this little escape can give us that tiny little push that perhaps is all we need to succeed? Even if we don't, we have moved a step ahead.
"Focusing on someone else's problem can make your own seem so much less significant. As such, your problems become so much easier to handle. It's just a matter of getting over yourself." (Yes Errol, this line worked wonders for me.)
When it all gets too tough, take a break, have a kit kat, or MacDonald meal for that matter, anything that works for you, just to rejuvenate and find your focus once again. Well, a tub of chocolatey ice cream can create miracles, for me that is.
I used to write in diaries. ALOT. Until I ran out of time. Or naps on bus rides seem to make more sense then jiggly writing in diaries. Or when its easier to type it all out cos the computer's my best friend now. I never throw these diaries away. I take them out once in a while, read it through, and have a good laugh about it. It's really amazing to realise how those impossible mountains to climb seem to just be molehills when you look back.
Like the time the O Levels was killing me, and I thought I would never made it through. Well, I did.
Like the time I was camping in my living room for one week for projects' sake, I thought I would never complete them despite sleeping just an hour a day for a week, staring at the screen to find that tiny little comma in the entire program that would make a great difference. WELL, I did, just not as well as I would have liked it to be.
Like the time I fried my thumb in boiling oil, I was wailing buckets. Now, I think its amusing.
Oh yes, and the time we were peeling oranges by the cartons everyday. I was working 16 hour shifts and dreaming about peeling oranges the remaining 8. I felt I smelt orangey no matter how much I bathed. I'm VERY sure I don't now.
The time when I was 5 and my dad when for reservist training on my birthday. I thought the army didn't like me and was punishing me. I BAWLED. Now, I wish he would go back to reservist training.
How bout the time I fell on my butt, and for that moment, I couldn't feel my legs. I was convinced I was going to be paralysed waist down. I felt extremely dumb after that. Stop reminding me.
Things happen for a reason and there's a reason why we're given harder tasks to accomplish. That's because we are capable of succeeding, and coming out unscathed.
I shall go think of a response to the letter I found on my bed last night.
Here goes...
Dear Mother,
Thank you for your letter.
With regards to your claims and accusations, I'm sorry to inform you that they are completely without basis. Kindly obtain more concrete information before giving feedback.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you and best regards,
Your Daughter
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Twentysomething.
The figures are tempting me to pull my hair out of my head.
I don't know if I can keep up with all these. Someone remind me once again why I'm doing all of these?
It's not about having the right to not be strong. It's about having to. It's mandatory. There is no other choice.
When this happens, it becomes the norm. Or rather, I'd like to think of it this way.
All the other 21 year olds are out there struggling to make ends meet, while enjoying their youth, while wasting their time, while having fun, peace and laughter, doing what should be done at 21. Yes, they're doing that. They're not at Sentosa tanning their butts. They're not at some cafe enjoying their coffee. They're not shopping at Orchard spending their parents' money. They're not sleeping at home. They're not sitting at some corner gossiping about passers-by, laughing like money will drop from the sky, right smack into their laps, they're NOT.
Instead, they're sitting behind some desk in front of a computer, trying to meet some deadline, trying to look professional while secretly cursing the boss under their breath while smiling at the "oh so sweet and helpful, yet I see your horns on your head and your tail swinging at the back of you" colleague who just walked past your desk, gently reminding you of whatever piece of work you still owe her.
"No worries, its not that urgent."
She says.
The next thing you know, you're sitting right in front of your boss, answering for that very piece of work that is still in your tray marked "PENDING". What a great sense of deja vu. Did that just happen last week? Perhaps I was wrong. It must be me. I am confused now.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy and satisfied with my life and what I have. Which translates into, I AM NOT GRUMBLING.
I am, well, just lamenting.
Pardon me. But, it is not the time of the month.
I don't know if I can keep up with all these. Someone remind me once again why I'm doing all of these?
It's not about having the right to not be strong. It's about having to. It's mandatory. There is no other choice.
When this happens, it becomes the norm. Or rather, I'd like to think of it this way.
All the other 21 year olds are out there struggling to make ends meet, while enjoying their youth, while wasting their time, while having fun, peace and laughter, doing what should be done at 21. Yes, they're doing that. They're not at Sentosa tanning their butts. They're not at some cafe enjoying their coffee. They're not shopping at Orchard spending their parents' money. They're not sleeping at home. They're not sitting at some corner gossiping about passers-by, laughing like money will drop from the sky, right smack into their laps, they're NOT.
Instead, they're sitting behind some desk in front of a computer, trying to meet some deadline, trying to look professional while secretly cursing the boss under their breath while smiling at the "oh so sweet and helpful, yet I see your horns on your head and your tail swinging at the back of you" colleague who just walked past your desk, gently reminding you of whatever piece of work you still owe her.
"No worries, its not that urgent."
She says.
The next thing you know, you're sitting right in front of your boss, answering for that very piece of work that is still in your tray marked "PENDING". What a great sense of deja vu. Did that just happen last week? Perhaps I was wrong. It must be me. I am confused now.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy and satisfied with my life and what I have. Which translates into, I AM NOT GRUMBLING.
I am, well, just lamenting.
Pardon me. But, it is not the time of the month.
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