met up with juan and eve at holland v breko. we were talking. nowadays when we girls talk, we talk alot and i mean ALOT about the future. it used to be superficial issues now that you look back last time, now we're talking about real serious stuff. it used to be school, problems with having a STEAD blah blah blah. now its what we're going to do in the future, marriage, that kind of thing.
it hit me how important being self-contented is. okay, not everyone has a perfect family or a perfect life. life itself is too imperfect. having shitty parents isnt an excuse for everything. so people has a car, has a good looking boyfriend, is rich, is in an university, is a so called "upper-class" kind of girl, lead a glam life. its only a big deal cos you grew up with her and she has so much more than you have now.
to me, being rich isnt everything. honestly, i wouldnt marry for money. yes, money is important. it means a heck to me at this point in my life cos i know i need money. if i had more money things would be alot easier and i wouldnt have to work 7 days a week and i can shop without thinking more than twice. maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow. i do want a man i can depend on in future, a man who can support a family, a man who can provide for my basic needs. but other than that, i do want to be financially independent too, instead of depending on my guy.
being well to do to me is: having alot of money on top of my basic expenses.
being able to live comfortably to me is: having some money on top of my basic expenses. a car isnt a must but it is a long term goal and a bonus.
i'm going to be 20 this year. 11 more months, we'll be celebrating new year's eve again. hopefully still with the same people. yes i do mean you. i'm starting to feel the pressures of the stepping into this 2nd decade of my life. time is going to fly past once i step into this chapter of my life. it scares me as much as i look forward to it. ask me if i want to get married, i cant answer you. at this point in time, no, not yet. i do want to settle down eventually but not now.
i dont know what i'll be doing 6 months from now, after i graduate. people around me have grown up. grown so fast to an extent that what happened in secondary 4 seems like only yesterday. now, 2005, is going to be a whole new beginning. a chapter of my life is beginning to unfold. i'm terrified.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
the cure
you know what? i finally found the cure, at least a temporary one. no expectations and i'll have no disappointment. like eve, all i can do is take each day as it comes. i'm left without a choice.
have you realised, i stopped messaging you for no reason. i only reply your messages instead of initiating messages if i can. i stopped asking you out. i stopped asking you whether i'm meeting you each day. i dont loiter around your house anymore. i dont tell you about what happens at work, or rather, grumble. i dont expect anything from you. anymore.
this is the only way i can protect myself from heartache and heartbreak. i cannot allow myself to expect something from you. even the littlest things. cos i know for sure, the moment i allow this to happen, my day will be ruined.
you say you dont want to hurt me. but i'm sorry to inform you my dear, you did, not only once. you dont have to do something big to hurt me. making me fall in love with you and treating me like this is hurting me. dont say anything you dont mean, and make sure you mean what you say. what goes around DOES come around.
where's the you i fell in love with? the one i'm still in love with?
have you realised, i stopped messaging you for no reason. i only reply your messages instead of initiating messages if i can. i stopped asking you out. i stopped asking you whether i'm meeting you each day. i dont loiter around your house anymore. i dont tell you about what happens at work, or rather, grumble. i dont expect anything from you. anymore.
this is the only way i can protect myself from heartache and heartbreak. i cannot allow myself to expect something from you. even the littlest things. cos i know for sure, the moment i allow this to happen, my day will be ruined.
you say you dont want to hurt me. but i'm sorry to inform you my dear, you did, not only once. you dont have to do something big to hurt me. making me fall in love with you and treating me like this is hurting me. dont say anything you dont mean, and make sure you mean what you say. what goes around DOES come around.
where's the you i fell in love with? the one i'm still in love with?
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
letter to my dearest: chapter 2
"I shouldn't have to cry to sleep at night
I shouldn't have to restrain myself from messaging him just to let him miss me
I shouldn't have to be the first to say good morning and good night
I shouldn't have to fight for his time with his friends
And i shouldn't have to go out alone"
~juanz
yes i shouldnt have to do all these too.
i shouldnt have to sit at the dark bus stop holding back my tears.
i shouldnt have to keep my thoughts to myself.
i shouldnt have to make myself smile just so that your day will end well.
i shouldnt have to come home alone.
i shouldnt have to tolerate such nonsense.
i shouldnt have to be on call.
i shouldnt have to fit into your schedule.
i shouldnt have to sit at home and type all these.
i shouldnt have to suffer just to keep you happy.
i shouldnt have to take it that i'm not affected that you never remember our anniversaries.
i shouldnt have to keep finding excuses for everything you do.
ask yourself.
how many times have you said something nice to me from the bottom of your heart?
how many long have you not sent me home?
how much effort you have put into this relationship?
how much effort you have put in to remember things that mean alot to me?
in the first place.
do you know what means alot to me?
do you know what i'm thinking?
do you know how much i'm hurting?
do you know how many times i've cried myself to sleep because of you?
do you know how much i dislike going over to your place and all you do is play computer games?
do you know how much i want you to send me home?
do you know how long you haven't said anything sweet to me?
do you know how much i feel like crying now?
have you every appreciated me?
i try very hard. on days i feel sucky, i try very hard not to let my emotions show. i know for a fact no matter how bad a day i have had, you may have it worse than me. so i try not to let it show so maybe your day will end up better than mine. do you appreciate that?
i've got lots more to say. but i dont see a point in talking anymore. it doesnt change anything.
I shouldn't have to restrain myself from messaging him just to let him miss me
I shouldn't have to be the first to say good morning and good night
I shouldn't have to fight for his time with his friends
And i shouldn't have to go out alone"
~juanz
yes i shouldnt have to do all these too.
i shouldnt have to sit at the dark bus stop holding back my tears.
i shouldnt have to keep my thoughts to myself.
i shouldnt have to make myself smile just so that your day will end well.
i shouldnt have to come home alone.
i shouldnt have to tolerate such nonsense.
i shouldnt have to be on call.
i shouldnt have to fit into your schedule.
i shouldnt have to sit at home and type all these.
i shouldnt have to suffer just to keep you happy.
i shouldnt have to take it that i'm not affected that you never remember our anniversaries.
i shouldnt have to keep finding excuses for everything you do.
ask yourself.
how many times have you said something nice to me from the bottom of your heart?
how many long have you not sent me home?
how much effort you have put into this relationship?
how much effort you have put in to remember things that mean alot to me?
in the first place.
do you know what means alot to me?
do you know what i'm thinking?
do you know how much i'm hurting?
do you know how many times i've cried myself to sleep because of you?
do you know how much i dislike going over to your place and all you do is play computer games?
do you know how much i want you to send me home?
do you know how long you haven't said anything sweet to me?
do you know how much i feel like crying now?
have you every appreciated me?
i try very hard. on days i feel sucky, i try very hard not to let my emotions show. i know for a fact no matter how bad a day i have had, you may have it worse than me. so i try not to let it show so maybe your day will end up better than mine. do you appreciate that?
i've got lots more to say. but i dont see a point in talking anymore. it doesnt change anything.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
before and after.
just read juanz' blog. totally agree with that. everything used to be so sweet and sticky in the start. things do change. i cant complain somehow. like what i told lex last night. this happens in every relationship. nothing will last forever. like this honeymoon period.
its not that he doesnt care anymore. maybe he just feels that there isnt a need to be constantly sweet. maybe its tiring to keep giving in everytime.
"it was then attraction. now its more of understanding as a person..."
who am i finding excuses for? why be that sweet in the first place when you cant keep that act up? it will always bring disappointment in the end. i hate this feeling.
he doesnt care. he doesnt appreciate. he doesnt know. he wont do this. he wont believe. he wont listen. he wont trust. he wont worry.
basic complains a girlfriend will have.
BEFORE
"dont be late...cant wait to see you..."
AFTER
"dont be late...i'm very hungry.." followed by calls every 5 mins.
SEE the difference???
GUYS!!! here comes the cliched part. guys will be guys. love them and hate them.
its not that he doesnt care anymore. maybe he just feels that there isnt a need to be constantly sweet. maybe its tiring to keep giving in everytime.
"it was then attraction. now its more of understanding as a person..."
who am i finding excuses for? why be that sweet in the first place when you cant keep that act up? it will always bring disappointment in the end. i hate this feeling.
he doesnt care. he doesnt appreciate. he doesnt know. he wont do this. he wont believe. he wont listen. he wont trust. he wont worry.
basic complains a girlfriend will have.
BEFORE
"dont be late...cant wait to see you..."
AFTER
"dont be late...i'm very hungry.." followed by calls every 5 mins.
SEE the difference???
GUYS!!! here comes the cliched part. guys will be guys. love them and hate them.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
men are from mars, women are from venus...
had a great time shopping with my dearest today. unexpectedly, but yeah. haha. he has been rather cranky recently, in a good mood one day, the next, stay 10 metres away from me that kidn of thing. today is one of his good mood days. talked alot of nonsense that got me laughing like i was having an asthma attack. oh well...one of the many fun times we have. but somehow i do get the idea about the men are from mars, women are from venus book i read some time ago. it said something about letting men stay in their caves from time to time. its not that they dont love us anymore, just that they need time for themselves in their caves. after that, they'll come out by themselves and treat us a whole lot better to make up for it.
i called farena today to ask about her schedule cos doris couldnt get her. apparently she rejected all my calls and simply messaged her schedule to doris and yong kuat. i dont know whats up with that. sometimes its just so hard to help somebody. i cant tell her why i'm doing this, but still i have to do this. let me just be the bad guy.
i called farena today to ask about her schedule cos doris couldnt get her. apparently she rejected all my calls and simply messaged her schedule to doris and yong kuat. i dont know whats up with that. sometimes its just so hard to help somebody. i cant tell her why i'm doing this, but still i have to do this. let me just be the bad guy.
Friday, January 21, 2005
i should just shut up.
just attended a funeral. got me thinking about things.
he mentioned about going to vietnam again. he really wants to go i can tell. better pay, a change of environment, what's holding him back? unfortunately, he wont tell. i probably wont get to know. makes me question my identity. who am i to him? i'm not trying to talk about status issues here. all i need to know is how much i actually mean to him. he never tells me anything about work, even when i ask. at times when i try, he just brushes me off saying thats just how work is. perhaps he talks to other people about it i really have no idea. i dont know what to think. i dont know if its really cos i think too much or its really the case. i try very hard, very very hard to put myself in his shoes. maybe one day i'll stop trying. that'll be the day i'm really tired of all these.
scenario 1:
if you went about your family business and went to vietnam sooner, i wouldnt have known you. wouldnt have fallen in love with you. wouldnt feel this hopeless right now. i wouldnt have so much to think about. wouldnt have so much to worry about.
scenario 2:
my mind is a blank. there's a thousand and one possibilities and scenarios rushing through my mind. i've got this absolutely strong feeling that he's going to go. that he's gonna be leaving me.
what are you going to do? planning to do? inform me that you're leaving for vietnam on the eve of your flight? hasn't the thought that whatever decision you make, it wouldnt affect your life alone. its gonna affect mine too! dont you get it?!
its really not easy being the supportive girlfriend behind you. keep quiet about my feelings, give you optimism and hope bla bla bla blah. i should just shut up. shouldnt i?
he mentioned about going to vietnam again. he really wants to go i can tell. better pay, a change of environment, what's holding him back? unfortunately, he wont tell. i probably wont get to know. makes me question my identity. who am i to him? i'm not trying to talk about status issues here. all i need to know is how much i actually mean to him. he never tells me anything about work, even when i ask. at times when i try, he just brushes me off saying thats just how work is. perhaps he talks to other people about it i really have no idea. i dont know what to think. i dont know if its really cos i think too much or its really the case. i try very hard, very very hard to put myself in his shoes. maybe one day i'll stop trying. that'll be the day i'm really tired of all these.
scenario 1:
if you went about your family business and went to vietnam sooner, i wouldnt have known you. wouldnt have fallen in love with you. wouldnt feel this hopeless right now. i wouldnt have so much to think about. wouldnt have so much to worry about.
scenario 2:
my mind is a blank. there's a thousand and one possibilities and scenarios rushing through my mind. i've got this absolutely strong feeling that he's going to go. that he's gonna be leaving me.
what are you going to do? planning to do? inform me that you're leaving for vietnam on the eve of your flight? hasn't the thought that whatever decision you make, it wouldnt affect your life alone. its gonna affect mine too! dont you get it?!
its really not easy being the supportive girlfriend behind you. keep quiet about my feelings, give you optimism and hope bla bla bla blah. i should just shut up. shouldnt i?
Thursday, January 20, 2005
a letter to my dearest
I"m crying baby. Crying hard on the outside, even harder on the inside. crying for me, crying for us....
it's gonna be tough. really tough. even without the possible objections, its gonna take alot of hard work to make it work. can you do that? can i do that? are we able to do that?
You telling me that you may be going vietnam to work, you say it so easily, like a casual statement, as if you were just going dowstairs for a while. you have no idea how big a blow that was to me. it's as though you just told me you're going to leave me. you dont know the pain i'm going through, you have no idea what i've gone through. for you. because of you.
it hurts my dear. it hurts so bad. so deeply inside. i'm so much more in love with you that i thought i would ever be, more than you think i am. you tell me i shouldnt depend so much on you. but you know what? i'm trying very hard. 10 days in camp i can take. at least i know you'll still message me every night at 11 even if i dont message you the whole day. i know you're there. still within reasonable distance. telling me you're going to work in a country so foreign to both you and me, somewhere so far, i probably wont get to see you for like one whole year or so. can you imagine how i feel?
just when i feel that you're really serious about me and i'm prepared to take a step further, you tell me that you may be leaving me. i cant possible tell you how i feel and stop you from going, can i? i know you want to get a good job and do well in your career. i cannot stop you from doing that. i'll just hide how i feel. i'll be happy for you if its a good job and that you'll do well, i really will be. i'll support you 120% all the way. i'll hide my tears, hide my fears and be that supportive girlfriend who's gonna be behind you all the way. i will learn to do that. i will learn to be independent. as much as i love you, i want the best for you.
many times i wonder, how far will we go together. i dont wanna think about too many things, probably take one step at a time. enjoy it while it lasts. i dare not think too far ahead, i dare not think too much. maybe the answer's something i dont want to know. i dont wanna waste your time. i do admit, i have thought of breaking up with you, cos i dont want to waste your time. but i'm afraid i'm gonna regret, and you'll never come back to me. this sea of confusion is drowning me.
its been a wild ride. a dramatic life experience. for now, i'm really happy. i love you my dearest...
it's gonna be tough. really tough. even without the possible objections, its gonna take alot of hard work to make it work. can you do that? can i do that? are we able to do that?
You telling me that you may be going vietnam to work, you say it so easily, like a casual statement, as if you were just going dowstairs for a while. you have no idea how big a blow that was to me. it's as though you just told me you're going to leave me. you dont know the pain i'm going through, you have no idea what i've gone through. for you. because of you.
it hurts my dear. it hurts so bad. so deeply inside. i'm so much more in love with you that i thought i would ever be, more than you think i am. you tell me i shouldnt depend so much on you. but you know what? i'm trying very hard. 10 days in camp i can take. at least i know you'll still message me every night at 11 even if i dont message you the whole day. i know you're there. still within reasonable distance. telling me you're going to work in a country so foreign to both you and me, somewhere so far, i probably wont get to see you for like one whole year or so. can you imagine how i feel?
just when i feel that you're really serious about me and i'm prepared to take a step further, you tell me that you may be leaving me. i cant possible tell you how i feel and stop you from going, can i? i know you want to get a good job and do well in your career. i cannot stop you from doing that. i'll just hide how i feel. i'll be happy for you if its a good job and that you'll do well, i really will be. i'll support you 120% all the way. i'll hide my tears, hide my fears and be that supportive girlfriend who's gonna be behind you all the way. i will learn to do that. i will learn to be independent. as much as i love you, i want the best for you.
many times i wonder, how far will we go together. i dont wanna think about too many things, probably take one step at a time. enjoy it while it lasts. i dare not think too far ahead, i dare not think too much. maybe the answer's something i dont want to know. i dont wanna waste your time. i do admit, i have thought of breaking up with you, cos i dont want to waste your time. but i'm afraid i'm gonna regret, and you'll never come back to me. this sea of confusion is drowning me.
its been a wild ride. a dramatic life experience. for now, i'm really happy. i love you my dearest...
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
the "perfect" world
today was fun! met up with eve, juan n su at coffeebean paragon. juan had to go the moment i reached. to save her relationship. bryant thinks she does not spend enough time with him. oh well...
we were discussing about su's "views and opinions". she really contradicts herself alot. felt like i was running around in circles. couldnt find my main point and i lost track of what i was saying. she seems to have this idea of what she or rather her life should be like and tries hard to make it that way. but somehow, her "perfect" world in her dreams wont happen in reality. sorry su. reality check. the world isnt perfect and it never will be.
i'm glad i went. i had fun. i always do with the jing jang gang. had a really scary thought. we're all going to be 20 this year. soon, we'll be working, some will be studying, then we'll be attending weddings, baby showers bla bla bla... its a scary thought. as much as i anticipate it, i dread it. i dont want it to happen. i dont think i'm ready yet. dont wanna grow up. yet. a lot of responsibilities come with the years and it just comes heavier and heavier. maybe in a couple of years i'll be married, settled down with a job and kids. maybe i'll be happily married, to whoever my future husband is. be it allan anot. it seems a far-fetched thought but somehow, it will happen fast. my new year's resolution shall be to treasure everyday and everyone more. better late than never!
we were discussing about su's "views and opinions". she really contradicts herself alot. felt like i was running around in circles. couldnt find my main point and i lost track of what i was saying. she seems to have this idea of what she or rather her life should be like and tries hard to make it that way. but somehow, her "perfect" world in her dreams wont happen in reality. sorry su. reality check. the world isnt perfect and it never will be.
i'm glad i went. i had fun. i always do with the jing jang gang. had a really scary thought. we're all going to be 20 this year. soon, we'll be working, some will be studying, then we'll be attending weddings, baby showers bla bla bla... its a scary thought. as much as i anticipate it, i dread it. i dont want it to happen. i dont think i'm ready yet. dont wanna grow up. yet. a lot of responsibilities come with the years and it just comes heavier and heavier. maybe in a couple of years i'll be married, settled down with a job and kids. maybe i'll be happily married, to whoever my future husband is. be it allan anot. it seems a far-fetched thought but somehow, it will happen fast. my new year's resolution shall be to treasure everyday and everyone more. better late than never!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
i'm glad i did
had a talk with eve just now. and i'm glad i did. i wont try to find excuses for what i did. not meeting up that sort of thing, but i'll try my best not to anymore. but i felt i had to do something. i couldnt stand it anymore.
my dearest gone for reservist. i miss him bad. but i went to his place to help him feed his fishies just now and i saw the door open. i was shocked..thought someone broke in or something. in the end, it was him and i scared the hell out of him. and he scared the hell out of me. i'm glad he's able to come out during the weekend. i'm not working. actually, i cant work. but he's having fun in reservist. aeroplane chess, poker cards, chinese chess, wine drinking (can you believe it???), suppers, the list just goes on and on... i cant possibly ill-treat myself while he's enjoying himself right? i'm gonna have fun with my friends!
the horriblest thing happened to me yesterday. a lizard, a big fat pale slimy disgusting gross horrible lizard dropped on my shoulder yesterday!!! it probably lost control when it saw me. i walked out of the toilet VERY calmly, then i cried! hahahahah...felt so dumb. it was probably more terrified of me than me of it. but who cares about how it feels. its so disgusting i can still feel its weight on my shoulder!!!
new year's on the way. coming real real real real soon.
caught up with winson today. real fun talking to him. i miss the "intellectual discussions" days. it was good for my brain.
my dearest gone for reservist. i miss him bad. but i went to his place to help him feed his fishies just now and i saw the door open. i was shocked..thought someone broke in or something. in the end, it was him and i scared the hell out of him. and he scared the hell out of me. i'm glad he's able to come out during the weekend. i'm not working. actually, i cant work. but he's having fun in reservist. aeroplane chess, poker cards, chinese chess, wine drinking (can you believe it???), suppers, the list just goes on and on... i cant possibly ill-treat myself while he's enjoying himself right? i'm gonna have fun with my friends!
the horriblest thing happened to me yesterday. a lizard, a big fat pale slimy disgusting gross horrible lizard dropped on my shoulder yesterday!!! it probably lost control when it saw me. i walked out of the toilet VERY calmly, then i cried! hahahahah...felt so dumb. it was probably more terrified of me than me of it. but who cares about how it feels. its so disgusting i can still feel its weight on my shoulder!!!
new year's on the way. coming real real real real soon.
caught up with winson today. real fun talking to him. i miss the "intellectual discussions" days. it was good for my brain.
Friday, January 07, 2005
random thoughts
sometimes i wonder. do all things happen for a reason? a reason we're never meant to know, but it still happens. put myself in her shoes. my ex-bf (he still is my bf thank gdness) whom i still have feelings for gets another gf. i know i wont go back to him even if he stills want me back. but it still feels awful. man...that feeling is terrible.
you may think of death as a solution my dear, but dying because you hate yourself isnt going to be a solution. no matter what, you're still gonna be remembered for who you are cos you were like that. dying wont change that. it wont change anything except cease your physical existence, not you in other people's heart. death may be a release for you, ever imagined the lifelong suffering and torture other people who really care about you are going to have? dont be selfish. dont think only of yourself. whether you like it anot, one can never live for oneself. its a fact. an unchangeable fact.
i wish i have a bf who can cook. i honestly do. i have always dreamt of having my boyfriend cook something for me while I wait. well, dreams are never reality. so...it shall remain a dream. buried and unsaid.
i think i think too much. i think even in my sleep. its too exhausting. i can scare the hell out of myself. i think my brain is exploding. i'm taking up too much brain juice.
you may think of death as a solution my dear, but dying because you hate yourself isnt going to be a solution. no matter what, you're still gonna be remembered for who you are cos you were like that. dying wont change that. it wont change anything except cease your physical existence, not you in other people's heart. death may be a release for you, ever imagined the lifelong suffering and torture other people who really care about you are going to have? dont be selfish. dont think only of yourself. whether you like it anot, one can never live for oneself. its a fact. an unchangeable fact.
i wish i have a bf who can cook. i honestly do. i have always dreamt of having my boyfriend cook something for me while I wait. well, dreams are never reality. so...it shall remain a dream. buried and unsaid.
i think i think too much. i think even in my sleep. its too exhausting. i can scare the hell out of myself. i think my brain is exploding. i'm taking up too much brain juice.
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