i should just shut up.

just attended a funeral. got me thinking about things.

he mentioned about going to vietnam again. he really wants to go i can tell. better pay, a change of environment, what's holding him back? unfortunately, he wont tell. i probably wont get to know. makes me question my identity. who am i to him? i'm not trying to talk about status issues here. all i need to know is how much i actually mean to him. he never tells me anything about work, even when i ask. at times when i try, he just brushes me off saying thats just how work is. perhaps he talks to other people about it i really have no idea. i dont know what to think. i dont know if its really cos i think too much or its really the case. i try very hard, very very hard to put myself in his shoes. maybe one day i'll stop trying. that'll be the day i'm really tired of all these.

scenario 1:
if you went about your family business and went to vietnam sooner, i wouldnt have known you. wouldnt have fallen in love with you. wouldnt feel this hopeless right now. i wouldnt have so much to think about. wouldnt have so much to worry about.

scenario 2:
my mind is a blank. there's a thousand and one possibilities and scenarios rushing through my mind. i've got this absolutely strong feeling that he's going to go. that he's gonna be leaving me.

what are you going to do? planning to do? inform me that you're leaving for vietnam on the eve of your flight? hasn't the thought that whatever decision you make, it wouldnt affect your life alone. its gonna affect mine too! dont you get it?!

its really not easy being the supportive girlfriend behind you. keep quiet about my feelings, give you optimism and hope bla bla bla blah. i should just shut up. shouldnt i?