letter to my dearest: chapter 2

"I shouldn't have to cry to sleep at night
I shouldn't have to restrain myself from messaging him just to let him miss me
I shouldn't have to be the first to say good morning and good night
I shouldn't have to fight for his time with his friends
And i shouldn't have to go out alone"

~juanz

yes i shouldnt have to do all these too.
i shouldnt have to sit at the dark bus stop holding back my tears.
i shouldnt have to keep my thoughts to myself.
i shouldnt have to make myself smile just so that your day will end well.
i shouldnt have to come home alone.
i shouldnt have to tolerate such nonsense.
i shouldnt have to be on call.
i shouldnt have to fit into your schedule.
i shouldnt have to sit at home and type all these.
i shouldnt have to suffer just to keep you happy.
i shouldnt have to take it that i'm not affected that you never remember our anniversaries.
i shouldnt have to keep finding excuses for everything you do.

ask yourself.
how many times have you said something nice to me from the bottom of your heart?
how many long have you not sent me home?
how much effort you have put into this relationship?
how much effort you have put in to remember things that mean alot to me?

in the first place.
do you know what means alot to me?
do you know what i'm thinking?
do you know how much i'm hurting?
do you know how many times i've cried myself to sleep because of you?
do you know how much i dislike going over to your place and all you do is play computer games?
do you know how much i want you to send me home?
do you know how long you haven't said anything sweet to me?
do you know how much i feel like crying now?
have you every appreciated me?


i try very hard. on days i feel sucky, i try very hard not to let my emotions show. i know for a fact no matter how bad a day i have had, you may have it worse than me. so i try not to let it show so maybe your day will end up better than mine. do you appreciate that?

i've got lots more to say. but i dont see a point in talking anymore. it doesnt change anything.