the vicious cycle.

i suppose everyone has their own life to lead. that's what i've always thought. at the very least, everyone is responsible for their own life and how it turns out. but why do i seem to be responsible for everyone else'es life? this i cant answer.

finish what you start off. i mean, you knew what would happen and how things will turn out. especially since you made it happen, be responsible for it and bear the consequences. friends can guide you and be there for you but friends cannot solve your problems for you. at the end of the day, its still up to you you and only you. you created those problems yourself. problems, so as to speak, which wouldnt even be there if you didnt start it. you knew what was coming. you were warned my dear, you jumped straight into it and now the people who warned you have to clear the mess you left behind? how considerate.

i've learnt. learnt how things come as a vicious cycle. do unto others how you want to be treated. nothing more nothing less. if you give more, do so with no regrets. always step into other people's skin and feel and breathe their thoughts for that one split second. it brings more forgiveness to the things that people do. for me, i know i can forgive but i'll never forget. does it bring more justice to what i do? i try my best to understand, to think the way you think, to feel the way you feel, but there's a limit. i know for a fact my limit's pretty hard to reach.

breathe the air i breathe. feel the way i feel. think the way i think. see the things i see. be the person i am. just for a moment. just a minute. thats all i ask for.

i'm fucking pissed.
i'm so pissed i cant breathe properly.
i cant think.
i'm getting a headache.
i want to cry to let it out.
but i cant.
thats how bad it is.

is it so hard for you to tell me things beforehand instead of me expecting that things will turn out this way then in the end it turns out the total opposite? you make me feel worthless. i'm not dumb. i think alot more deeper stuff than you think i actually do. its not that i'm easily taken advantage of. i only do this cos i care. dont give me the crap that you're confused and have alot of things on your mind. i gave excuses for you thinking you have alot of stuff going on at work and need space. i kept things to myself. i cried myself to sleep so many times i lost count. you only think of yourself.

ask yourself. when was the last time you said something nice? it used to be only your messages inside my inbox. for a long time now, names of other guys have been appearing first at the top of the list in my inbox. why is it that other guys treat me and appreciate me better than you do? i dont need you to do anything like buy me expensive gifts or alot of attention. just a few words of concern and occassional assurance that i'm still loved and appreciated is all i need. is that so hard?

i give you the time you need to think. who's going to give me the answers i want? if it's so hard for you to talk about it, why is it that you can tell everyone about it except me?! you said you dont want to hurt me. why is it that you're hurting me and you're the only one who's bringing tears to my eyes and you dont care? i hate you i hate you i hate you.

if you really love me, why is it that i'm crying all the time? it used to be so hard for me to cry, now i can cry at any single thing. do i deserve to be treated this way? what did i do to deserve all this shit? i try my best to be a good girlfriend, try to think things your way. which girl would keep quiet when you meet your ex-girlfriend? which girl wouldnt kick up a fuss when you bring her to your ex-gf's house and ask you to water her plants? you tell me!

i'm hurting. i'm hurting so bad inside i feel like giving up. for the past weeks, yes, so you meet me everyday. but 90% of the time you're doing work. you never practice what you preach. you're never there for me when i need you. yes, i said i'll be independent but you dont even know what's going on in my life.

i hear what you say. you're alone and there's no commitments. you say all these in front of me. how do you think i feel? you introduce me as your girlfriend but do you treat me as one? i'm tired. i tried. tried so hard. no one understands the pain cos i act. i've been lying to everyone around me. to myself. finding excuses for you. for me. for us.

irony

its ironic how unfortunate events can bring about happy events. cant put it into words exactly but mixed feelings. happy yet sad. excited yet dreading. that kind of thing.

one happy note to the day.

allan's going back to his course. it was a pleasant surprise and coincidental too cos far and i was talking about papa cow going back to school earlier in the day. its a quality i like in my guy. the interest to do something about his life. instead of just resigning to his "fate" that thats all the qualifications he has. i'm proud of him.

in your head...

que sera sera

everyone's harping on how great their valentine's day was. what their boyfriends did. the nice presents they got. how sweet they were. its getting on my nerves. cos i'm jealous.

i should stop complaining. yes, yk, i know its the path i chose.

chris treats me better and appreciates me more and say nicer things to me than my boyfriend. can everyone just get over v-day???!!!!

my advice to all girls out there. get a young guy. a guy with more time on his hands.

i hate his job.

" most men wont know how to appreciate their women until they're gone."

question: should i go?

at the phase where emotions run high and low all the time. extremes. i'm just trying hard not to think. not to be free. cos i know once i'm free, i'll think too much. maybe i just want to numb myself. free from pain and sorrow. i dont want to think.

cos i realised if i work the entire day, i wont message him or think about him too much. then it'll be easier for me to get used to him not being around. and i dont expect that he'll meet me just so that i wont be disappointed. so it'll be a bonus if he really does.

the thing is, when i try so hard to move away, he'll come back. if i dont message him the whole day, he'll message me. but he just doesnt treat me right somehow.

que sera sera. whatever will be will be...

thats all.

now i realise. it hit me like head on bricks. ouch.

he's having a hard time at work. really hard. he doesnt talk about it like always. always say he's fine when he's not. i saw you controlling your anger. i felt the anger you were suppressing. its not like any other hard times you've had at work. its different this time. i no longer blame you for being distant. it no longer hurt cos you refused to talk. i shall practice what i preached and be supportive of you. only cos i know you dont mean to. you meant it when you said you had alot of things on your mind. i'll try to be more understanding about it k baby?

i felt your concern and all the hurt was gone. okay..maybe not all.. but it didnt hurt that much. and the thank you helped alot.

i'll miss it.

i love you.

thats all.

enough is enough.

3 times i've tried my dear. 3 times i didnt get an answer. banging into walls i feel like i'm doing. you think its only you in this?! why is it so hard to just tell me how you feel?i dont need you to give me a solution, to tell me what to do, to tell me anything. all i want is you to tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're worrying about!

i'm tired of crying everytime this topic is brought up. you do things i cant explain. you hide your feelings what you think, maybe you think i'd be happier this way. i dont want this. i dont need you to do all these. i dont need your charity, or attempts to make my life better.

people ask me whether i feel if there's a future for us. i cant answer. only because i dont know what you're thinking. its you and me in this. not just you. not just me. i cant decide whether we'll have a future on my own. its a question shot to me from day one. up till now i cant answer. things have changed. things are no longer simple, even if my parents know about it. even if i see a future, things wont work out if we continue this way. i've been fighting off objections from so many people, not to come to this. i dont want people to decide our fate. i want us to have a future cos we can make it happen and last.

for so long, people have been objecting. i listened and judged for myself. sounds easy doesnt it? road has been smooth for you not for me. i'm the one going through the ups and downs. now that things have become more serious, you dont seem to want to share your thoughts with me. why do i try so hard to make it work? you tell me.

deafening voices

why is it so hard to get it out of you?
words screaming inside my head
deafening and fierce
forcing me to make a move

people pushing
thoughts fighting
hell's in me
no one's listening

i need a voice
need to be heard
cant you stop what you're doing
pay attention to me just once

its not that hard
aint it?
i'm not asking too much
am i?

dont regret
after i've given up
i've tried countless times
silence is all you give

its not fair to me
you never thought my way
i'm flesh and blood
i hurt and bleed like everyone else

whats the point
of sticking together
when you are you
and i am i

tell me
who am i to you
i cant share your pain and sorrow
i dont know a single thing about you

meet the aunt

he brought me to his aunt's house the other day. it was huge. like 4 storeys high plus a basement kind of thing. and it was flooded with people. wrong. not just people. RELATIVES. it was practically a family casino kind of thing, with different kinds of gambling in different rooms. went there for dinner then left for his house to play mahjong. i practically fell asleep cos i had been out the whole day and all i did there was pour water for people and stare at mahjong tiles. when he was sending me home, he told me that his aunt probably had a good impression of me cos she kept asking me to eat and kept asking him to accompany me eat. i beg to differ. i prolly just have a pitiful and helpless look on my face screaming "help!!!!" that kinda thing.

ah jie commented "why, he want to marry you? why bring you to his aunt's house?" it shocked me for a second. it was his other aunt on the first day of new year. i couldnt make it. 2nd day, he brought me to another aunt's house. as if he wont give up, he wants to bring me over on the 8th day too. cos they going to pray or something. on the 19th of feb, he wants to bring me to his friends' gathering. now, things are moving fast, yet i have no idea whats he thinking. absolutely no idea.

it does feel better having pouring out what ever i feel to him, but i have yet to have a reply. i still need to know what he's thinking. he said he's still a little confused about going over, asked him about what. he just said many issues. then fell asleep. damn!

shut up

its no point saying it over and over again.

the more i talk about it the more it hurts.

the more i talk about it the smaller the problem seems.

i dont know whats wrong or whats actually affecting me. whether its the fact that i wont be able to see him, or the uncertainty in me thats so overwhelming. it scares me so much. i cant handle it. spent half an hour watching him sleep today, and i realise i wont be able to handle it when he leaves. i love watching him sleep.

people arent listening. they tell me opinions they give me their so called advice yet they arent listening. they never attempted to put themselves in my shoes. think the way i do. feel the sorrow and confusion i feel. they tell me to break up. to leave him cos he's only going to hold me back.

there is no reason for me to break up and i dont want to and i dont think i can handle it. they tell me this they tell me that. would they be able to do what they told me to do if they were me? does the words "break up" come so easily to you? just try feeling half of what i'm feeling and you'll probably change your "advice".

i try. i try very hard to distract myself. i try very hard to make time no matter how little to be with you. i'm so scared that time is running out for us.

i never knew holding back tears could hurt so much

some things have the weirdest way of twisting themselves to an unbelievable end. one moment i thought things would have a happy ending and people who dont deserve to be treated well should get their desserts whereas for those who deserve better get what they deserve. now, things are apparently getting complicater. much much complicater. all i can say for now is.. its a vicious cycle.

i'm not going to object to anything cos i've been there, done that. i've been in your shoes my dear. i know how much it hurts and how it feels like. you decide for yourself what kind of a person he is. honestly, i dont have a good impression of him. thats why i warned her. why on earth are you stepping straight into a pit when you know you'll get stuck? you say you dont want to get hurt but you know very well, you will get hurt this time round? i dont know what to say. all i can say is i wish you all the best and hope i'm wrong. hopefully he'll treat you the way you deserve and change for the better.

--------------------------------

he's really going. going to vietnam. in 3-6 months time, he'll be gone. says he has to go cos the pay is so much higher and he needs to pay his debts badly. he'll be going over with his cousin to be a director in name. i was trying so hard to fight back tears. all those laughter were so fake. i paused so many times cos i felt my tears choking me. i hope you wont leave so soon.

once again, to remind myself, i cant be selfish. as much as i want you to stay, i know its for your own good. i do wanna be that supportive girlfriend whom you dont have to worry about in singapore. you'll come back every 2 months i know.

i want you to be here when i reach and start the next phase of my life, be it my working life or university life. but i know i cant tell you all these. guess i just got to learn to be more independent from now onwards.

retarded

i wanna scream
scream my lungs out
get the hurt and the pain
out of my soul

retard the thoughts
stop the dreams
release and relive
be myself once more

out of sight
out of mind
are you going to bring me back?
make me surface in this undeniable existence

here i am
sitting alone
thoughts running wild
give me a tight slap wont you

i shouldnt have to feel
the many ways i'm feeling
you're the king
i'm the joker

neglected

doing some major comfort eating here. i know i shouldnt be doing this. but hey..i need comfort. and i cant seem to get it anywhere else.

tons of thoughts going through my mind right now. i feel neglected. he hasnt spoken more than 10 sentences in 3 days to me. all i wanted to do after a long 9 hrs of standing and surveying, is a nice warm meal with my boyfriend. waited all day and not a single message. in the end i messaged him. he called and told me to have dinner myself. having dinner myself is one of the top ten things i absolutely hate to do. i've been having dinner myself on tuesday, on wednesday, on thursday, and probably on friday too. hellooo... where's my boyfriend?

never trust someone too easily

i cant believe you lied. to think we were so worried about you. what do you treat us as? fools??? maybe you've never treated us as friends. maybe we really trusted the wrong person. but i dont see the point in lying to us! is it so difficult for you to tell us the truth?! all your stories about being sick and all those shit were just packs of lies. i tried very very hard to make myself believe you and whatever you say cos i treated you as a friend and i wanted to give you the benefit of doubt. what is all these crap i see in your blog?! you think no one will know if you dont say? i'm so disappointed in you. i dont know what on earth are you thinking. maybe from now onwards, our paths will never cross again i dont know. what i know now is, i dont know who you are anymore.