the special place in my heart

read xue er's blog. after so long, somehow or other i managed to come across it.

she had a story about the jing jang gang. our jing jang gang. it brought back so many memories to me.

brought together by fate. all because of our seating arrangement. we were a noisy bunch of friends. most of the time screaming and squealing in laughter. especially during maths lessons. we used to stand up together cos we didnt do our homework. we used to piss the hell out of Mrs Yap our physics teacher and Mrs Mano, our beloved Maths teacher who taught us a whole lot of stuffs.

memories of the jing jang gang are of chicken mee with lots of chilli, pai gu mian, custard chicken, bubble tea at west mall, spicy chicken, takopachi, maggie mee, cup noodles, ice cream, spaghetti and a whole lot more. we used to chill, relax, talk, dream, gossip, bitch, study together at all possible places. library, west mall, juan's house. we even skipped school to study! how ironic. but thats us.

all of us in the jing jang gang are so different in personalities. all so different yet we somehow fitted together. we were so crazy. man! i miss those days. we had talks about getting good results together, opening a cafe together, renting a place and moving out together, getting married and get all the rest as bridesmaids etc etc. however, what we didnt realise is that the poor last girl to get married wouldnt have a bridesmaid at all! silly us.

this simple and carefree life didnt seem to last. we got into poly, we spread further though still connected by that thin line of fate. all of us blossomed. now young, fine ladies blooming into the beautiful flowers we all are.

yet, the meetups are getting more and more patronising. knowing we all go to each gathering with hopes that it'll be how it used to be, filled with wholesome laughter and sincere concerns, but we all know deep inside, things arent the same any more.

we managed to succeed in one thing. we told each other that our group is going to expand. we're going to bring boyfriends and girlfriends along on gatherings. ultimately, we'll meet up over tea with husbands and wives and children in tow. we're on our way there. we're too big a group now to find a decent eating place but we make do.

it touched me so much to read what xue er wrote. we watched each other grow up. and we're still together as a group. no one can change that. it's all up to us. i still look forward to each gathering knowing we'll have fun, but we all have our own paths. with this in mind, we'll support and lend that listening ear and shoulder or tears of joy or sorrow whenever needed.

regardless how far we drift or how much we change, the jing jang gang will always have that special place in my heart. i still love you guys. but boy....we're getting old. its been 4 years since we graduated!

wrecked

If i had to make a choice to give up one of my senses, i suppose it would be not to talk.

I dont mind having to use my hands to talk, cos sign language is actually such a beautiful language.

but the true reason is that the world would actually be such a simpler place if everyone spent more time listening. cliche. but come to think of it true. if we think before we speak, lots of stuff can actually be avoided. though you may feel terrible at the start, its actually a blessing to be able to listen to people. i mean real listening.

i'll be graduating unofficially in 2 days time. right now, i'm supposed to give my best for this final project in order to graduate with at least some glory despite the terrible results i have obtained throughout the 3 years of polytechnic education. i'd never really paid much attention to people who say that studying is actually better than working, cos i'd always thought that it depends on what kind of job you're doing. whether you enjoy it anot.

but now, when i'm actually literally on the chopping board, it scares the hell out of me. not knowing what to expect, not knowing the exact direction to go, cos you have to make the first step in order to make your future seem brighter or something like that. i no longer have a definite path, like primary school to secondary school to jc/poly blah blah blah. for now, my future seems bleak, seems so unclear, foggy. every step i take is so tiny in fear of screwing my entire life up. i want no regrets. i know how it feels to regret something so bad you actually feel like killing yourself to ease the pain. contradictingly, you'll never know till you try. no pain no gain.

i want to graduate with a smile on my face. seeing the past 3 years flash past me with me laughin happily. i want my parents to be proud of me, i want my boyfriend to say that he's proud of me once again. and i want people to congratulate me that i'm graduating. i want to feel that i'm able to make my own decisions and not be tied down by projects and stuff once again. ignore my thoughts of further education for the time being.

its a whole new world out there now. at this very moment, i have so much eagerness to start a job i love yet i know how hard that possibility is. how little my chances are. i tell myself, i'll embrace each change with optimism and hope. making it work for myself. i want to depend on no one else.

after all these, i shall now go back to my dreaded final project once again though i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing or what i have to do but i shall complete it and present it on Tuesday (290305) with pride. cos its something i've struggled with for the past whole year. with so many sleepless nights and endless project meetings and terrible deadlines to meet.

wish me luck my dear friends....i'll need your support alot.

minding my own business

so its wrong to care. wrong to be concerned. wrong to be a friend.

since you insist that you're right and its YOUR problem, i shall step out of this totally. i wont bother anymore. you can insist whatever you think is right. and do it your way. vice versa. its all up to you.

i'm just being biased. i'm just being nosey. i'm just gossiping. i'm wrong to be disappointed. i'm wrong to watch out for you as a fren. i'm just being unreasonable for making you see things MY way.

i'll leave you alone. and him. and the other him. whatsoever. do what u deem fit.

i'm outta here.

draw the line

i've lost respect for him. if you wanna play, know your limits. and dont do it so blatantly. it disgusts me. if you wanna know what i think and why i'm so pissed, its cos you cant draw the line. make that line clear and you still wanna do this, at least i still have that little respect for you. you say you try, okay, fine, i shall take my words back for now and see what you're planning to do. make your life and hers simple and hell for everyone else.

maybe its not what i think it is, but what you say and how you behave are contradictions. we have eyes to see. anyway, its your life. i'll just remind you and i'll stay out of it. i'll be around. definitely. but keep the benefits to yourself.

anyway, i had fun. met up with eve, juan and far. had fun like always. went for a hair cut just to satisfy our craving. not much difference physically. great delight though. i just want things this way. simple and fun. just us.

be brave for yourself.

i did something so brave today. something i havent been able to do.

he wanted to meet me. i said no. even though i wanted to.

i'm going to make him realise my existence. that he should start treating me right. and not take me for granted. but what i cant believe is, he was nice just now, messaged me how was my project and stuff, then said he shall not distract me anymore. and now he's playing mahjong.

never mind. he can play all he wants today. then i shall not meet him tomorrow, or the day after, or the day day after, until he comes looking for me. my guy friend treats me better than my boyfriend. a whole lot better. it does sting when i hear of the nice things that other boyfriends do for them. but what can i do? i've got to accept that you arent made up of sweet talk. its the effort baby. dont you see it? fine. i shall stop complaining and grumbling. i am going to do my project. i am going to concentrate. i am going to go to work tomorrow. i am not going to message you. i am going to study after work. i am not going to message you. i am not going to meet you. i am going to enjoy myself. and i am going to make you wake me up tomorrow. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

i gotta be brave.

there's something seriously wrong with my phone!

and i'm too broke to get a new one!! argh!!
so irritating...

i receive my messages like 1 hour after i'm supposed to receive them, or i dont receive them at all.

selective acceptance.

clever phone. dumb phone.

i procrastinate too much. i'm too indecisive. i'm too stubborn. i think too much. i'm too lazy. i'm too ugly. i hate to wake up early but i love working morning shifts. i put too much feelings into my relationships. i need to think through what i want. i need to know what i want.

the dust swept away

wont you be me for awhile
take my thoughts with you
bring my feelings with you
you'll know what i feel

i make myself feel
the burdens you have
the pressure you face
so you'll feel much better

cant you just be me
for that one day
you make me feel
like the tiniest of all dust

insignificant
unappreciated
clingy
the list just goes on

i'd try my best to smile
so you'd end the day so fine
at the end of my day
its a dark and lonely night

some things wont change
unless you truly want them to
that little more push and effort
is all i need from you

materials i have no use for
as much as i'd like to have
a simple gesture to make me smile
would brighten my entire week

i'd make things simpler for you
if only i could so
i'd try till i break
but its getting me nowhere

see me the way people do
not the dumb ass in your eyes
i wanna feel important
i just wanna be loved properly

thou shall learn

apparently my indecisiveness can kill someone...

he was so pissed at me cos i couldnt decide what to eat and where to go that he refused to talk to me and went to sleep for 2 hours, leaving me doing absolutely nothing constructive. we went for dinner at 8 45pm and he refused to hold my hand and crossed the stupid road without me. we didnt talk throughout dinner cos i refused to talk to him and was pissed at the fact that he was pissed at me and i had absolutely no idea what he was so pissed off about.

finally he gave in to me even though he was still pissed. BUT, i still had no idea what he was pissed about.

it didnt make any sense to me cos he was pissed at me and refused to talk to me. then he talked to me as though nothing happened. then he kissed me. then helloooo, whats going on here?!

to my dearest:

i'm sorry.

i know my indecisiveness has been hell for you. i know you want me to learn to make decisions and be more assertive and it gets you mad that i'm not learning. i'm trying. actually yesterday i was looking more for suggestions than a decision from you. i dont want to tell you, "hey lets go somewhere" then you'll be obligated to go with me but actually all you want to do is get some rest and do your stuff.

i'll learn.

i believe in karma.

some questions though. why is it that bad karma goes around and yet good karma awaits to be seen? high possibility the answer would be not now but someday. that leads me to question 2: when is that someday? what if i never live to that SOMEDAY?

i see him in his sleep, i love the way he looks. we had a rather brief but satisfying conversation today, while he accompanied me on the phone when i was on my way to work. or rather i was accompanying him when he was driving. he's so into taking courses now. he said if things work out well here, he doesnt want to go over to vietnam anymore. its good news for me of cos. just praying everything goes well. i know its tough on him and there's alot of things he has on his mind, so i try very hard, very very hard not to demand too much attention from him. but there are times, simple simple stuff that just pushes me over. of cos, i still keep my cool. just blabber alot of nonsense. forgive me.

he had a minor accident with the van yesterday and broke the rear glass panel of the van due to his negligence. apparently he wasnt thinking about how much it would cost, who's going to have to pay bla bla bla, but rather he was blaming himself for making such a stupid mistake. i kept telling him not to dwell over it cos what happened cannot be undone. at least he knows he should pay more attention to details in future.

its ironic how you can forget how you started disliking a person. you can put so much energy and effort into finding ways to make life hell for that person, spend so much time dwelling over it, and when it actually comes down to it, i bet you cant remember what the exact thing that person did to make u so mad. you wouldnt remember when it started cos you're too obsessed about getting to the end when you would vent your anger. you wouldnt look at the big picture, cos you're so eager to get to the next step of your plan. its all so amazing. how all this starts to fit into place. when you actually sit down to really think about things, you start to realise how all these is just going to fit into a single page of your life, one where you would look back and laugh yourself silly, hopefully, with no regrets.

back to square one. soon.

i've had fun working this week.

new faces, whole new craziness.

new plans, new roles great deal of office politics.

he'll be gone. single yet attached.

someone tell her what to do

its scary how things become more and more complicated as one gets older.

death, depression, abortion, pills, suicide.... all these used to only be in books, not reality.
i want to be young again. young as in carefree, young as in no worries. then again, all these have been part of my life since long ago.

partying isnt my cup of tea i always say. the truth is, i'm too self-conscious to club. i dont know what to do or what to wear. i do not love missing out on fun, i do not love not being young, i do not love being cooped up at home when everyone else is out there.


u all mean alot to me. doesnt mean i dont meet u often means you're forgotten and covered with dust. you people are the best thing that ever happened to me. i mean it.

i dont want time to pass so fast. the void becomes bigger and i cling to him even tighter as the times go by. maybe its cos of this you're so much nicer to me and you're holding tight to me too. i'm terrified that as the time goes nearer to the day you're gonna leave means the time left till our breakup. i dont know how to maintain a long distance relationship and i dont know how to know that you're the one and i dont know how to make sure you dont have someone else out there and i dont know how to be alone for 2 whole months before i see you again and i dont know how to help you with your stuff. you dont talk about it anymore and everything is becoming so vague i'm scared i'll start to think that you're gonna stay and be with me. its starting to feel like a dream, something so unreal, so out of reach, so far fetched that i feel like laughing at myself.

i'm losing control.

i realised.

how much it means for the need for one to be self-contented.

taking a look around me. seeing what's been happening to people around me stabs me right through like a knife. haven't got the time to meet up with important people in my life. and i just need to get moving and persist in getting them out.

being easily contented, makes life easier.
being easily contented, makes me happier.
makes me less pissed.
makes me less critical.
makes me less demanding.
makes me less expecting.
makes me less deluding.
makes me a whole lot less.

but does being easily contented, make me not desire more?
not expect more?
not feel more?

somehow, when it means being self-contented, does it also mean more self-denial, more suppressed expectations, more hidden desires? if thats the case, how can being self-contented make one's life more simple, cos in this forced simplicity, a greater complex network of emotions are formed. stronger emotions are required to suppress the thoughts needed to create the simplicity.

in this self created simplicity, the complex consequences are sometimes simply too much for me to bear. so grit and rough it out. the road's never smooth to start with. fall and learn. hurt and grow.

nice and slow

things have been slow...

but i like it this way.

he treats me nice.

havent met up with eve for quite some time and i feel bad. but i cant seem to bring myself to go out. its too tiring answering questions and giving answers. i dont feel like spending money either. i will make myself ask her out. soon. prolly to holland v. chill, talk, eat, relax. yeah.

my tummy's killing me now. must be the laxatives i took. i know i should go see a doc or something, get some medicine do some checkups cos i get tummyaches very easily. but they're probably going to say the same old stuff again. i shall self-heal and not waste the money.

UPS & downs

1 year.

not very long.

lots of things happened.

i'd say it was eventful.

ups and downs. understatement.

overall i was happy. actually i feel it. i feel loved. but still i need reassurance at times. at the very least he remembered.

my grandma's in hospital. somehow i wished i learnt how to speak teochew. so at least i can communicate with her, even if it was only during new year. i felt bad when she said out of so many grandchildren she has, she has never looked after any of us. cos she's almost deaf. she cant hear us properly. now she's 100% deaf in one ear and 90% deaf in the other. she had a mild heart attack and a mild stroke. she's been admitted for close to a week and things aren't looking too good. yesterday, she couldnt speak and couldnt sit up. they moved her up a level cos her situation's getting worse.

frankly i'm scared. and worried. though i havent been close to her, she's still my grandma and i dont want anything to happen to her. though she's 86. i havent had someone really close gotten so sick before after my grandfather.

it aint a good year.