When people grow old, they tend to become the way kids behave, demanding for attention, though less blatantly. But that's the way things seem to be. Just like my grandparents. They can squabble over every single little thing, and not speak to each other for an entire week, doing their own things and irritate the hell out of each other, just cos they know that the other doesn't like it. It puts me off at times, but over the years, we've all learnt how to let them squabble their heads off and we'll just laugh it off.
What just hit me over these couple of years, is how different relationships were in the past as compared to now. My grandparents have been married for over 50 years. Till date, despite the everyday squibbles and squabbles, the forever on-going cold wars, persistent jabs at each other, they're still going strong. Strong not in the sense they're still loving and all.
They sleep in separate rooms and all, but whatever they do, they will still think of each other. Like how my grandma will always grumble about stuff that she doesn't like doing for my grandpa whilst doing it. Like how my grandpa will always remind us to leave something unsweetened for grandma to eat (cos she has diabetes) while jokingly saying that this way, he can have all the sweet ones.
Just last month or so, my grandma fell down. Fractured her hand, not long after, there were metal bars all over the area she fell. My grandpa is a Do-It-Yourself kind of man. Fixed all the electrical stuff, made cabinets, grew plants, you name it, he fixed it, and he's STILL doing it. He fixed the metal bars so that IF she slips again, she'll have something to grab on for support.
It's such a heartwarming feeling to watch the both of them and they've stuck by each other all these years. I personally can't imagine being married for 50 years. Perhaps its the companionship they're treasuring. But I believe, they have never thought of leaving each other throughout the 50 over years, cos they have chosen to make the commitment to each other.
Relationships now, are made and broken with no qualms. If something goes wrong, one party probably bails out and looks for someone new. There isn't the commitment and loyalty to each other anymore. It's scary. But its a fact. It scares the hell out of me to make a commitment, half-knowing that when anything happens, the words of commitments are just....words.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花
Prior to this, I had my msn nick as lyrics of "kiss goodbye". It somehow reminded someone of this line "虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花" which sums up my situation now. It literally means, even though falling flowers have the desire to flow along with running waters, yet running waters have no desire to bring along the fallen flowers. Yes, apparently I'm the fallen flowers.
That someone gave me another theory which I have heard of before but I have yet to put it into my context. Life is a stage. Some people take up the main lead, some supporting actors and some extras. Perhaps, I was the main lead once, now, I could be the supporting actress or even the extra. Or perhaps, I was never the main lead in the first place. Thinking about it, he was his own main lead. Everyone else was the supporting actors and actresses.
In another context, there are 3 main people in our lives. The person we love the most, the person who loves us the most, and the person we marry. We are all searching for this one person who satisfies all 3 main characters in our lives. But often so, these 3 characters are fulfilled by 3 different people.
Likewise for me, he may be the person I'll love the most and gave the most but he may not be the other 2 characters. I may be the person who love him the most, but he may not be the person I'll settle down with.
Similarly, he may be the person who has hurt me the most and I am the person he has hurt the most. But thats where our destiny will lead us to. Perhaps, one day, he'll truly regret, but it doesn't mean he'll be back. In fact, he already has moved on. Logically, there's nothing for me to hold on to. I'm just holding on to a shadow of his former self that is non-existant anymore. I know for a fact I shouldn't but I know I will move on. Someday. Hopefully soon.
Even if we get back together, things will definitely be different. I'll just going to get hurt even further. I should stop the pain now. Like what I say, just give me some time to hang on a little more. For me to totally get rid of the hope and shadow thats holding me back.
If he comes back now, I don't deny I'll take him back. But with every chance given, it means a whole new set of expectations that'll set the bar even higher. Every single time he doesn't meet that expectations, it'll all come down to square one again. I'm already at square one. I can start anew. I will do it.
That someone gave me another theory which I have heard of before but I have yet to put it into my context. Life is a stage. Some people take up the main lead, some supporting actors and some extras. Perhaps, I was the main lead once, now, I could be the supporting actress or even the extra. Or perhaps, I was never the main lead in the first place. Thinking about it, he was his own main lead. Everyone else was the supporting actors and actresses.
In another context, there are 3 main people in our lives. The person we love the most, the person who loves us the most, and the person we marry. We are all searching for this one person who satisfies all 3 main characters in our lives. But often so, these 3 characters are fulfilled by 3 different people.
Likewise for me, he may be the person I'll love the most and gave the most but he may not be the other 2 characters. I may be the person who love him the most, but he may not be the person I'll settle down with.
Similarly, he may be the person who has hurt me the most and I am the person he has hurt the most. But thats where our destiny will lead us to. Perhaps, one day, he'll truly regret, but it doesn't mean he'll be back. In fact, he already has moved on. Logically, there's nothing for me to hold on to. I'm just holding on to a shadow of his former self that is non-existant anymore. I know for a fact I shouldn't but I know I will move on. Someday. Hopefully soon.
Even if we get back together, things will definitely be different. I'll just going to get hurt even further. I should stop the pain now. Like what I say, just give me some time to hang on a little more. For me to totally get rid of the hope and shadow thats holding me back.
If he comes back now, I don't deny I'll take him back. But with every chance given, it means a whole new set of expectations that'll set the bar even higher. Every single time he doesn't meet that expectations, it'll all come down to square one again. I'm already at square one. I can start anew. I will do it.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Can't you just get out of my mind?
Stop driving me insane. Stop haunting me. Stop occupying my thoughts.
Its killing me...
Please...just go away. Like far far away. Don't even exist anymore if you're not planning to come back. Everything that happened in the last 2 years seems to run past my mind non-stop. Like some player with a spoilt stop button. It doesn't mean a thing to you, so why should I care?
Can't you just have mercy on me? I hate to wake up and I hate to fall asleep. Waking up would mean a rude shock of reality, falling asleep would mean I'm living in my own fantasy world where everything is all right. You're not helping.
It's so hard to pretend its okay. I'm totally not okay. I'm not recovering. I still want you back. But I can't and you won't. I have to accept it but I can't. I'm just forcing myself. I'm pushing myself to my limits, pushing myself over my limits, pushing myself to do what I can't, pushing myself to hate you, pushing myself to get over.
All I want to do is break down and cry and beg you to come back.
Stop driving me insane. Stop haunting me. Stop occupying my thoughts.
Its killing me...
Please...just go away. Like far far away. Don't even exist anymore if you're not planning to come back. Everything that happened in the last 2 years seems to run past my mind non-stop. Like some player with a spoilt stop button. It doesn't mean a thing to you, so why should I care?
Can't you just have mercy on me? I hate to wake up and I hate to fall asleep. Waking up would mean a rude shock of reality, falling asleep would mean I'm living in my own fantasy world where everything is all right. You're not helping.
It's so hard to pretend its okay. I'm totally not okay. I'm not recovering. I still want you back. But I can't and you won't. I have to accept it but I can't. I'm just forcing myself. I'm pushing myself to my limits, pushing myself over my limits, pushing myself to do what I can't, pushing myself to hate you, pushing myself to get over.
All I want to do is break down and cry and beg you to come back.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Good Riddance
You've said your piece. I know what I should do.
Like they say, "Good Riddance".
I will definitely be happier from now on. I will not bring my value down anymore.
What goes around comes around. Sooner or later. You'll be treated the exact same way. I will leave you alone. I don't care what you do, what you say. You mean nothing to me anymore. After all that you have done, what more do you expect me to do for you? Beg you to come back? Throw myself at you? Be at your mercy? Let you manipulate my thoughts? You wish.
You, are not even worth a space in my phone book. I will erase all your memories. I will fill the space with someone who's worth it. Someone who'll appreciate me more. Someone whom I deserve.
Like they say, "Good Riddance".
I will definitely be happier from now on. I will not bring my value down anymore.
What goes around comes around. Sooner or later. You'll be treated the exact same way. I will leave you alone. I don't care what you do, what you say. You mean nothing to me anymore. After all that you have done, what more do you expect me to do for you? Beg you to come back? Throw myself at you? Be at your mercy? Let you manipulate my thoughts? You wish.
You, are not even worth a space in my phone book. I will erase all your memories. I will fill the space with someone who's worth it. Someone who'll appreciate me more. Someone whom I deserve.
I hit the wall again. HARD. I don't seem to learn from my mistakes.
I'm losing myself again. Why is it so hard? Why is it that you're so complicated?
I've had enough. But I'm still going for more. When is it that I can finally be free from all these pain and sorrow?
They say once bitten twice shy. Apparently it doesn't mean a thing for me. I know I was dumb.
I'm losing myself again. Why is it so hard? Why is it that you're so complicated?
I've had enough. But I'm still going for more. When is it that I can finally be free from all these pain and sorrow?
They say once bitten twice shy. Apparently it doesn't mean a thing for me. I know I was dumb.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
It's taking all of me just to stay firm and not sway. I know if I just let go a little, I'll prolly start asking him to come back, though of no use, I'll still do it anyway.
Maybe by repeating these negativity I'll convince myself that what I'm doing is right. I just have to do it over and over again, on a hourly basis, on a daily basis. Until the day I truly believe what I'm saying.
I've repeated it so many times, it seems fictional. You seem to be fictional. Were you my imaginary friend? Were you conjured up by my mind? But the hurt and the pain is so real. So overwhelming. So intimidating. So tiring.
You're haunting me you know? I dream of you at night. I think about you in the day. It's a vicious cycle. I can let go, I can move on, I can give up, cos my heart is dead. But you just wont stop appearing in my mind. Why can't you just be a figment of my imagination? I'll be able to function normally then.
I wanted a simple love too. I thought it was. Everything that happened is so vivid. Like it just happened yesterday. Your messages from last year, I can remember word for word. You starting work, our non-stop messaging, your teasing, your touch, your hugs, tell me they aren't real. Tell me you never loved me before. Tell me you're just something that came out of nowhere.
I keep doing things that intensifies the pain. I feel myself hitting the wall each time. HARD. I feel so dumb, so stupid. For giving you my best, and this is what I get in return. Every single morning, I feel a slap of reality right smack on my face. The fact that you're no longer a sms away, a phone call away, a bus ride away. You're just not there anymore. Every single time I open my door, I have to remind myself I only have a set of keys now. No longer do I have 2 sets. To think I used to grumble.
I don't like to call you names but its the only way I can convince myself. For that moments I am actually able to be mad and convinced that I can go on without you. For now, I can be strong and will be strong so everyone won't be worried. This support thats holding me up in the day just crumbles at night. When it all sets in again.
I know I'll be fine. I know I won't fall entirely. Give me a little more time to mourn and grieve. I'm picking myself up again. Trust that I can do it. I feel like there's a gong in my head. I am standing up once more. One day I'll be able to go to places without thinking of you. One fine day, I'll be able to step into Holland V and walk pass your place without my heart weighing me down.One fine day, you wont mean a thing to me. One fine day, I will regret not letting go earlier.
One fine day, you, Allan Ang, will just be a name in my phone book.
Maybe by repeating these negativity I'll convince myself that what I'm doing is right. I just have to do it over and over again, on a hourly basis, on a daily basis. Until the day I truly believe what I'm saying.
I've repeated it so many times, it seems fictional. You seem to be fictional. Were you my imaginary friend? Were you conjured up by my mind? But the hurt and the pain is so real. So overwhelming. So intimidating. So tiring.
You're haunting me you know? I dream of you at night. I think about you in the day. It's a vicious cycle. I can let go, I can move on, I can give up, cos my heart is dead. But you just wont stop appearing in my mind. Why can't you just be a figment of my imagination? I'll be able to function normally then.
I wanted a simple love too. I thought it was. Everything that happened is so vivid. Like it just happened yesterday. Your messages from last year, I can remember word for word. You starting work, our non-stop messaging, your teasing, your touch, your hugs, tell me they aren't real. Tell me you never loved me before. Tell me you're just something that came out of nowhere.
I keep doing things that intensifies the pain. I feel myself hitting the wall each time. HARD. I feel so dumb, so stupid. For giving you my best, and this is what I get in return. Every single morning, I feel a slap of reality right smack on my face. The fact that you're no longer a sms away, a phone call away, a bus ride away. You're just not there anymore. Every single time I open my door, I have to remind myself I only have a set of keys now. No longer do I have 2 sets. To think I used to grumble.
I don't like to call you names but its the only way I can convince myself. For that moments I am actually able to be mad and convinced that I can go on without you. For now, I can be strong and will be strong so everyone won't be worried. This support thats holding me up in the day just crumbles at night. When it all sets in again.
I know I'll be fine. I know I won't fall entirely. Give me a little more time to mourn and grieve. I'm picking myself up again. Trust that I can do it. I feel like there's a gong in my head. I am standing up once more. One day I'll be able to go to places without thinking of you. One fine day, I'll be able to step into Holland V and walk pass your place without my heart weighing me down.One fine day, you wont mean a thing to me. One fine day, I will regret not letting go earlier.
One fine day, you, Allan Ang, will just be a name in my phone book.
A complete twist of fate
An unexpected twist of fate
Was what brought us together
Firmly believing in that
Treasured the gift so much
Things are never what they seem
The truth always hurts
Like a slap right in the face
Forceful and fatal
These happened for a reason
Awaiting the enlightenment
I'll come to terms with it
And emerge stronger and wiser
You chose this path
I'll walk down mine
Perhaps our paths will cross one day
I'll leave it to the people up there
My life lies in my hands
I won't let you control it further
I'll walk the talk and the line
For myself and those who care
You were just a passer by
Taking more than you should have
I didn't lose anything much
Just something I had gained
Was what brought us together
Firmly believing in that
Treasured the gift so much
Things are never what they seem
The truth always hurts
Like a slap right in the face
Forceful and fatal
These happened for a reason
Awaiting the enlightenment
I'll come to terms with it
And emerge stronger and wiser
You chose this path
I'll walk down mine
Perhaps our paths will cross one day
I'll leave it to the people up there
My life lies in my hands
I won't let you control it further
I'll walk the talk and the line
For myself and those who care
You were just a passer by
Taking more than you should have
I didn't lose anything much
Just something I had gained
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I've learned
Don't say something you don't mean.
Stop playing mind games with me.
I will let you go. Don't underestimate me. It's just a matter whether I want to or not.
Now, I know I want to.
I feel so disappointed in myself.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is in fact such a man.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is such a disappointment.
I'm just so disappointed in you. I gave you more credit than that. I had more confidence in you. I believed that you could do it.
Get a hold on yourself. You can do much better than that.
My heart for you is dying. You made it this way. I'm not going to let you manipulate my feelings anymore. I don't deserve this. Even if I owe you anything, I've done more than enough. I DO NOT owe you anything, anymore, never did.
This is the path you chose. You be responsible for your own actions. You're old enough. When are you going to wake up and do what you have to do, what you're supposed to do?
No matter what, I still wish you the best. I pray you'd wake up in time and realise what is important to you. I hope you'll learn to become a better person. Prove them all wrong. Don't live the rest of your life with regrets.
I suppose in a way, I was blinded.
Stop playing mind games with me.
I will let you go. Don't underestimate me. It's just a matter whether I want to or not.
Now, I know I want to.
I feel so disappointed in myself.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is in fact such a man.
The man I've been loving since so long ago is such a disappointment.
I'm just so disappointed in you. I gave you more credit than that. I had more confidence in you. I believed that you could do it.
Get a hold on yourself. You can do much better than that.
My heart for you is dying. You made it this way. I'm not going to let you manipulate my feelings anymore. I don't deserve this. Even if I owe you anything, I've done more than enough. I DO NOT owe you anything, anymore, never did.
This is the path you chose. You be responsible for your own actions. You're old enough. When are you going to wake up and do what you have to do, what you're supposed to do?
No matter what, I still wish you the best. I pray you'd wake up in time and realise what is important to you. I hope you'll learn to become a better person. Prove them all wrong. Don't live the rest of your life with regrets.
I suppose in a way, I was blinded.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Just let me hate you ya?
Why do I always feel like that on a Saturday?
My heart just goes to the rock bottom of the once again realisation of the situation.
I'm at a loss again. The determination running low with nothing to distract me.
I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to know. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to cry. It's been 2 weeks. I'm turning blind.
My heart just goes to the rock bottom of the once again realisation of the situation.
I'm at a loss again. The determination running low with nothing to distract me.
I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to know. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to cry. It's been 2 weeks. I'm turning blind.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Remind me please...
I don't need him to take pity on me because I'm having a hard time letting go.
All I need is assurance that I will be happier and better off without him.
That is all I need to let go.
Please remind me to be happy. I seem to have forgotten how.
Please remind me to hate him. Just to give myself more reason to move on.
All I need is assurance that I will be happier and better off without him.
That is all I need to let go.
Please remind me to be happy. I seem to have forgotten how.
Please remind me to hate him. Just to give myself more reason to move on.
If I look all right, I am not inside.
If I smile, it doesn't mean I'm no longer hurting.
If I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm not crying inside.
If I keep quiet, please don't leave me alone.
If I say I'll be fine alone, please don't believe me.
If I say I need to cry, please don't ask me not to cry.
If I say I can't let go, please give me time to cry.
If I say I'm hurting, please give me a hug.
If I say I need you with me, I really do need you with me.
If I say I'm okay, I'm actually not, just feeling a lil better for that moment.
If I start going off track, please pull me back.
If I start going the wrong direction, please lead me back.
I lost myself.
If I smile, it doesn't mean I'm no longer hurting.
If I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm not crying inside.
If I keep quiet, please don't leave me alone.
If I say I'll be fine alone, please don't believe me.
If I say I need to cry, please don't ask me not to cry.
If I say I can't let go, please give me time to cry.
If I say I'm hurting, please give me a hug.
If I say I need you with me, I really do need you with me.
If I say I'm okay, I'm actually not, just feeling a lil better for that moment.
If I start going off track, please pull me back.
If I start going the wrong direction, please lead me back.
I lost myself.
There's only a thin line between love and hate.
You know, I think I'm reaching the point when I feel like I have alot to say, but when I come down to actually saying it, the events kind of slip past my mind. But all I feel like doing is to break down and cry.
Crying is just an outlet. To let off my frustrations and confusion. After I cry, I feel a little better, like I have the strength to move on somehow.
I tried so hard to change those negative feelings I had into hatred and blame. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me, for treating me this way, for being such an idiot, for lying to me, for making me fall so deeply in love with him, for making things so hard for me, for telling me that he has plans to settle down with me and gave it all up just like that, for reciprocating those feelings of hers, for breaking up with me, for giving up on us, for making me cry, for making me so confused, for making me so helpless, for making me so pathetic, for making me so needy, for making me so emotionally dependent, for making me feel that you're still with me, for making me feel that there's hope, for making me want you so bad, for making my friends worry about me, for making me have hope then bursting all my bubbles. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
After all, there's only a thin line between love and hate. I shall try harder to instill this thought into my head. Turn it into a drive for me to move on.
Why should I hold on when you're enjoying yourself? Why should I hold on when you're probably already attached? Why should I hold on when you're not even affected? Why should I hold on when you're no longer holding on? Why should I hold on when you don't even miss me? Why should I hold on when you're developing your feelings with her?
You only have her to msg. I have alot more ppl to msg. Then again, maybe that's all you need.
Even if you come back one day, I won't want you anymore. You won't come back I know. Thanks for nothing. I should have left alot of stuff at your place to remind you of me. Thanks for giving me a hard time. Thanks for making me cry so much I think I'm turning blind. Thanks for not being there anymore. Thanks for everything you have done.
Damn it. I'm a wreck.
Crying is just an outlet. To let off my frustrations and confusion. After I cry, I feel a little better, like I have the strength to move on somehow.
I tried so hard to change those negative feelings I had into hatred and blame. I wanted to hate him for doing this to me, for treating me this way, for being such an idiot, for lying to me, for making me fall so deeply in love with him, for making things so hard for me, for telling me that he has plans to settle down with me and gave it all up just like that, for reciprocating those feelings of hers, for breaking up with me, for giving up on us, for making me cry, for making me so confused, for making me so helpless, for making me so pathetic, for making me so needy, for making me so emotionally dependent, for making me feel that you're still with me, for making me feel that there's hope, for making me want you so bad, for making my friends worry about me, for making me have hope then bursting all my bubbles. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
After all, there's only a thin line between love and hate. I shall try harder to instill this thought into my head. Turn it into a drive for me to move on.
Why should I hold on when you're enjoying yourself? Why should I hold on when you're probably already attached? Why should I hold on when you're not even affected? Why should I hold on when you're no longer holding on? Why should I hold on when you don't even miss me? Why should I hold on when you're developing your feelings with her?
You only have her to msg. I have alot more ppl to msg. Then again, maybe that's all you need.
Even if you come back one day, I won't want you anymore. You won't come back I know. Thanks for nothing. I should have left alot of stuff at your place to remind you of me. Thanks for giving me a hard time. Thanks for making me cry so much I think I'm turning blind. Thanks for not being there anymore. Thanks for everything you have done.
Damn it. I'm a wreck.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Damn.
I woke up determined today. Determined to move on and let go.
I was so sure for the first half of the day, felt my will power getting stronger.
Then...
My colleagues started talking about it. My determination hit rock bottom.
I'm struggling to keep it up now.
I'm flying a kite now. Let's just hope it won't snap.
I was so sure for the first half of the day, felt my will power getting stronger.
Then...
My colleagues started talking about it. My determination hit rock bottom.
I'm struggling to keep it up now.
I'm flying a kite now. Let's just hope it won't snap.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
My thoughts are killing me...
I really want to give you and myself space to discover ourselves. I just don't know how to let myself go. Before I let you go, I have to learn to let myself go first. I have to instill in me that I want to move on more than anything in the world. I want to let go.
Part of me feels that if I don't let go, he won't. I will stop thinking like that. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointment. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments.
Maybe we should concentrate, as in concentrate hard on being friends for now. Learn about each other again, learn about ourselves, rediscover each other. We never started to be friends, we were colleagues, then lovers. Yes, that's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.
I feel so much like fainting now...
Part of me feels that if I don't let go, he won't. I will stop thinking like that. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointment. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments. No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments.
Maybe we should concentrate, as in concentrate hard on being friends for now. Learn about each other again, learn about ourselves, rediscover each other. We never started to be friends, we were colleagues, then lovers. Yes, that's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. That's what I have to do. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.
I feel so much like fainting now...
Why didn't you work with me when you could, when you felt that something was wrong?
Why are you taking it all on yourself, when I could and wanted to share it all with you?
Why didn't you give me a chance to work with you in this?
Why are you so magnanimous now? Just because you feel that this is the best for me? Who gave you the authority to decide what's best for me?
Why did you take matters into your own hands?
Why are you so selfish?
Why are you so caught up in your own warped ideas?
Why can't you be selfish again this time?
Where have you gone?
Why are you taking it all on yourself, when I could and wanted to share it all with you?
Why didn't you give me a chance to work with you in this?
Why are you so magnanimous now? Just because you feel that this is the best for me? Who gave you the authority to decide what's best for me?
Why did you take matters into your own hands?
Why are you so selfish?
Why are you so caught up in your own warped ideas?
Why can't you be selfish again this time?
Where have you gone?
I hate feeling like this so much. Like everything's not within my control, everything's up to an unknown factor that no one knows, that may happen, or may never happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want to let him decide what's best for me. I don't want him to do this. I want to go home and cry.
I'm tired, tired of crying.
I understand where everyone is coming from, and these have crossed my thoughts a hundred million times. You all know its hard to change my mind, cos I don't even know what I'm thinking at times, I can't think straight. Why am I letting him do this to me?
I'm tired, tired of crying.
I understand where everyone is coming from, and these have crossed my thoughts a hundred million times. You all know its hard to change my mind, cos I don't even know what I'm thinking at times, I can't think straight. Why am I letting him do this to me?
I've been talking about it so much, so much, I lost track of the events. What happened doesn't seem to be as significant anymore.
You told me not to keep dwelling in the details, in what happened, so that it'll be easier to let go.
I suppose in a way, you're doing slightly better cos you're able to differentiate work. Perhaps, mahjong is an escape for you. Next up, world cup, and after that, you'll be up on your feet again. At least that's how I perceive it.
I don't know how badly you're taking it, you don't seem to be very in touch with your feelings. You don't know if you have let me go. I just don't know if I CAN let you go.
You seem to be still into it, yet, trying to get out. Okay, that's me too.
I want you to be sad, yet I want you to be happy.
I want you to mope, yet I want you to smile.
I want you to grieve, yet I want you to laugh.
I want you to move on, yet I don't want you to let me go.
I'm a mess.
I wanted to be selfish, to keep reminding you of my existence, just so you won't move on so quickly. My angel tells me to do what's best for you, even if you don't want me to contact anymore. Just so that you'll be happy.
I've been telling everyone the same thing and I know it in my heart too. If I don't move on, I'll never find the one person who's truly meant for me. But what if you're the one who's truly meant for me and I go one big round finding the one and I can't get back here cos you have moved on without me?
That's life, I know.
I just want to be selfish for once. Really selfish. Can I?
But I don't want to waste your time.
Damn it. What's wrong with me????
You told me not to keep dwelling in the details, in what happened, so that it'll be easier to let go.
I suppose in a way, you're doing slightly better cos you're able to differentiate work. Perhaps, mahjong is an escape for you. Next up, world cup, and after that, you'll be up on your feet again. At least that's how I perceive it.
I don't know how badly you're taking it, you don't seem to be very in touch with your feelings. You don't know if you have let me go. I just don't know if I CAN let you go.
You seem to be still into it, yet, trying to get out. Okay, that's me too.
I want you to be sad, yet I want you to be happy.
I want you to mope, yet I want you to smile.
I want you to grieve, yet I want you to laugh.
I want you to move on, yet I don't want you to let me go.
I'm a mess.
I wanted to be selfish, to keep reminding you of my existence, just so you won't move on so quickly. My angel tells me to do what's best for you, even if you don't want me to contact anymore. Just so that you'll be happy.
I've been telling everyone the same thing and I know it in my heart too. If I don't move on, I'll never find the one person who's truly meant for me. But what if you're the one who's truly meant for me and I go one big round finding the one and I can't get back here cos you have moved on without me?
That's life, I know.
I just want to be selfish for once. Really selfish. Can I?
But I don't want to waste your time.
Damn it. What's wrong with me????
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Goodbye my lover.
Thank you to those who lent a ear, a shoulder, lotsa tissues.
I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to start picking myself up, I don't know how to let go. Everything I did, everywhere I went, reminded me of times we spent together. I miss your hands. I miss your hugs. I miss your laughter.
I miss you.
I know I have to let go and move on. I know precisely what I have to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands. The nights are especially unbearable. The worst, the waking up, the realisation that its all NOT a dream. Its real. You're never going to wake up next to me again.
Part of me still refuses to let go, holding on to a tiny glimpse of hope that you'll be back for me. I know I shouldn't. I know I know I know. I deleted your number. You told me its still in my head. You told me that to inform you if I ever were to change my number. You got worked up when you misunderstood I didn't want to contact you anymore.
I know I'm in self denial. I know I'm helpless and lost. I lost myself. All I can think about the whole day is you, us, what could have been done, if only...
I hate the reflection in the mirror. I feel like a zombie. I can't eat, can't sleep. I know its not the end of the world. I know I can move on. I don't know how I'll react if he gets attached, or married.
I feel lost not messaging him, I've been messaging him everyday for the past 2 yrs plus. No more messages, no more calls, no more hands, no more hugs, no more laughter, no more us.
You saw me through my transition from a student to a working adult. You saw my tears, my laughter, my ignorance, my plans, my stubborness, my indecisiveness. You were my pillar of strength. Tell me how to be strong, when the pillar is down? Your simple touch gave me comfort and strength to go on. Now, your simple touch makes it so much harder to move on and let go.
My heart aches with regrets. I feel like I'm going to break down very soon. I want so much to hate you so I wouldn't hurt. I can't. You taught me alot of things, most importantly, to be independent and strong. Ironically, I became independent in some ways, yet emotionally, dependent on you. I was strong, cos I know somewhere behind me, you'd be giving me support. Its different now. I'm all alone.
I never despised or doubted your abilities. You know it. I was falling deeper while you were pulling out. Yes I agree, its a pity. A pity for us. I want to undo it. I don't want to undo it. I don't know.
Believe in yourself baby, you know you are much more than what they see. I know it. We didn't manage to prove everyone wrong. Our relationship of 2 yrs 2months was a total test of endurance, faith, commitment, devotion and acceptance. I'm sorry for what I did during the past week, it was all cos I was too afraid I'd lose you. Yet, the more I wanted you back, the more I was pushing you away.
Yesterday, was supposed to mark our 2 years and 2 months, the day we first held hands.
Yesterday, marked the day we start our separate lives once again.
I lost a lover.
I gained a best friend.
Where we go from here, only heaven knows...
I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to start picking myself up, I don't know how to let go. Everything I did, everywhere I went, reminded me of times we spent together. I miss your hands. I miss your hugs. I miss your laughter.
I miss you.
I know I have to let go and move on. I know precisely what I have to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands. The nights are especially unbearable. The worst, the waking up, the realisation that its all NOT a dream. Its real. You're never going to wake up next to me again.
Part of me still refuses to let go, holding on to a tiny glimpse of hope that you'll be back for me. I know I shouldn't. I know I know I know. I deleted your number. You told me its still in my head. You told me that to inform you if I ever were to change my number. You got worked up when you misunderstood I didn't want to contact you anymore.
I know I'm in self denial. I know I'm helpless and lost. I lost myself. All I can think about the whole day is you, us, what could have been done, if only...
I hate the reflection in the mirror. I feel like a zombie. I can't eat, can't sleep. I know its not the end of the world. I know I can move on. I don't know how I'll react if he gets attached, or married.
I feel lost not messaging him, I've been messaging him everyday for the past 2 yrs plus. No more messages, no more calls, no more hands, no more hugs, no more laughter, no more us.
You saw me through my transition from a student to a working adult. You saw my tears, my laughter, my ignorance, my plans, my stubborness, my indecisiveness. You were my pillar of strength. Tell me how to be strong, when the pillar is down? Your simple touch gave me comfort and strength to go on. Now, your simple touch makes it so much harder to move on and let go.
My heart aches with regrets. I feel like I'm going to break down very soon. I want so much to hate you so I wouldn't hurt. I can't. You taught me alot of things, most importantly, to be independent and strong. Ironically, I became independent in some ways, yet emotionally, dependent on you. I was strong, cos I know somewhere behind me, you'd be giving me support. Its different now. I'm all alone.
I never despised or doubted your abilities. You know it. I was falling deeper while you were pulling out. Yes I agree, its a pity. A pity for us. I want to undo it. I don't want to undo it. I don't know.
Believe in yourself baby, you know you are much more than what they see. I know it. We didn't manage to prove everyone wrong. Our relationship of 2 yrs 2months was a total test of endurance, faith, commitment, devotion and acceptance. I'm sorry for what I did during the past week, it was all cos I was too afraid I'd lose you. Yet, the more I wanted you back, the more I was pushing you away.
Yesterday, was supposed to mark our 2 years and 2 months, the day we first held hands.
Yesterday, marked the day we start our separate lives once again.
I lost a lover.
I gained a best friend.
Where we go from here, only heaven knows...
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