I hate feeling like this so much. Like everything's not within my control, everything's up to an unknown factor that no one knows, that may happen, or may never happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want to let him decide what's best for me. I don't want him to do this. I want to go home and cry.

I'm tired, tired of crying.

I understand where everyone is coming from, and these have crossed my thoughts a hundred million times. You all know its hard to change my mind, cos I don't even know what I'm thinking at times, I can't think straight. Why am I letting him do this to me?