虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花

Prior to this, I had my msn nick as lyrics of "kiss goodbye". It somehow reminded someone of this line "虽落花有意随流水 但流水无心恋落花" which sums up my situation now. It literally means, even though falling flowers have the desire to flow along with running waters, yet running waters have no desire to bring along the fallen flowers. Yes, apparently I'm the fallen flowers.

That someone gave me another theory which I have heard of before but I have yet to put it into my context. Life is a stage. Some people take up the main lead, some supporting actors and some extras. Perhaps, I was the main lead once, now, I could be the supporting actress or even the extra. Or perhaps, I was never the main lead in the first place. Thinking about it, he was his own main lead. Everyone else was the supporting actors and actresses.

In another context, there are 3 main people in our lives. The person we love the most, the person who loves us the most, and the person we marry. We are all searching for this one person who satisfies all 3 main characters in our lives. But often so, these 3 characters are fulfilled by 3 different people.

Likewise for me, he may be the person I'll love the most and gave the most but he may not be the other 2 characters. I may be the person who love him the most, but he may not be the person I'll settle down with.

Similarly, he may be the person who has hurt me the most and I am the person he has hurt the most. But thats where our destiny will lead us to. Perhaps, one day, he'll truly regret, but it doesn't mean he'll be back. In fact, he already has moved on. Logically, there's nothing for me to hold on to. I'm just holding on to a shadow of his former self that is non-existant anymore. I know for a fact I shouldn't but I know I will move on. Someday. Hopefully soon.

Even if we get back together, things will definitely be different. I'll just going to get hurt even further. I should stop the pain now. Like what I say, just give me some time to hang on a little more. For me to totally get rid of the hope and shadow thats holding me back.

If he comes back now, I don't deny I'll take him back. But with every chance given, it means a whole new set of expectations that'll set the bar even higher. Every single time he doesn't meet that expectations, it'll all come down to square one again. I'm already at square one. I can start anew. I will do it.