It's taking all of me just to stay firm and not sway. I know if I just let go a little, I'll prolly start asking him to come back, though of no use, I'll still do it anyway.

Maybe by repeating these negativity I'll convince myself that what I'm doing is right. I just have to do it over and over again, on a hourly basis, on a daily basis. Until the day I truly believe what I'm saying.

I've repeated it so many times, it seems fictional. You seem to be fictional. Were you my imaginary friend? Were you conjured up by my mind? But the hurt and the pain is so real. So overwhelming. So intimidating. So tiring.

You're haunting me you know? I dream of you at night. I think about you in the day. It's a vicious cycle. I can let go, I can move on, I can give up, cos my heart is dead. But you just wont stop appearing in my mind. Why can't you just be a figment of my imagination? I'll be able to function normally then.

I wanted a simple love too. I thought it was. Everything that happened is so vivid. Like it just happened yesterday. Your messages from last year, I can remember word for word. You starting work, our non-stop messaging, your teasing, your touch, your hugs, tell me they aren't real. Tell me you never loved me before. Tell me you're just something that came out of nowhere.

I keep doing things that intensifies the pain. I feel myself hitting the wall each time. HARD. I feel so dumb, so stupid. For giving you my best, and this is what I get in return. Every single morning, I feel a slap of reality right smack on my face. The fact that you're no longer a sms away, a phone call away, a bus ride away. You're just not there anymore. Every single time I open my door, I have to remind myself I only have a set of keys now. No longer do I have 2 sets. To think I used to grumble.

I don't like to call you names but its the only way I can convince myself. For that moments I am actually able to be mad and convinced that I can go on without you. For now, I can be strong and will be strong so everyone won't be worried. This support thats holding me up in the day just crumbles at night. When it all sets in again.

I know I'll be fine. I know I won't fall entirely. Give me a little more time to mourn and grieve. I'm picking myself up again. Trust that I can do it. I feel like there's a gong in my head. I am standing up once more. One day I'll be able to go to places without thinking of you. One fine day, I'll be able to step into Holland V and walk pass your place without my heart weighing me down.One fine day, you wont mean a thing to me. One fine day, I will regret not letting go earlier.

One fine day, you, Allan Ang, will just be a name in my phone book.