Goodbye my lover.

Thank you to those who lent a ear, a shoulder, lotsa tissues.

I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to start picking myself up, I don't know how to let go. Everything I did, everywhere I went, reminded me of times we spent together. I miss your hands. I miss your hugs. I miss your laughter.

I miss you.

I know I have to let go and move on. I know precisely what I have to do. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands. The nights are especially unbearable. The worst, the waking up, the realisation that its all NOT a dream. Its real. You're never going to wake up next to me again.

Part of me still refuses to let go, holding on to a tiny glimpse of hope that you'll be back for me. I know I shouldn't. I know I know I know. I deleted your number. You told me its still in my head. You told me that to inform you if I ever were to change my number. You got worked up when you misunderstood I didn't want to contact you anymore.

I know I'm in self denial. I know I'm helpless and lost. I lost myself. All I can think about the whole day is you, us, what could have been done, if only...
I hate the reflection in the mirror. I feel like a zombie. I can't eat, can't sleep. I know its not the end of the world. I know I can move on. I don't know how I'll react if he gets attached, or married.

I feel lost not messaging him, I've been messaging him everyday for the past 2 yrs plus. No more messages, no more calls, no more hands, no more hugs, no more laughter, no more us.

You saw me through my transition from a student to a working adult. You saw my tears, my laughter, my ignorance, my plans, my stubborness, my indecisiveness. You were my pillar of strength. Tell me how to be strong, when the pillar is down? Your simple touch gave me comfort and strength to go on. Now, your simple touch makes it so much harder to move on and let go.

My heart aches with regrets. I feel like I'm going to break down very soon. I want so much to hate you so I wouldn't hurt. I can't. You taught me alot of things, most importantly, to be independent and strong. Ironically, I became independent in some ways, yet emotionally, dependent on you. I was strong, cos I know somewhere behind me, you'd be giving me support. Its different now. I'm all alone.

I never despised or doubted your abilities. You know it. I was falling deeper while you were pulling out. Yes I agree, its a pity. A pity for us. I want to undo it. I don't want to undo it. I don't know.

Believe in yourself baby, you know you are much more than what they see. I know it. We didn't manage to prove everyone wrong. Our relationship of 2 yrs 2months was a total test of endurance, faith, commitment, devotion and acceptance. I'm sorry for what I did during the past week, it was all cos I was too afraid I'd lose you. Yet, the more I wanted you back, the more I was pushing you away.

Yesterday, was supposed to mark our 2 years and 2 months, the day we first held hands.

Yesterday, marked the day we start our separate lives once again.


I lost a lover.

I gained a best friend.

Where we go from here, only heaven knows...