I am happy she's happy.
I am happy they're happy. I really am.

I think I'm 30 trapped in a 20 year old body. I have forgotten how to have fun. I have forgotten what is pocket money. I have forgotten what it feels like to not have bills to pay for. I have forgotten what its like not to have financial burdens. I have forgotten what its like to have all day to chill.

But, I have not forgotten what its like to...

Share a glass of ice water among 4 people.

Sit by the steps for tidbits.

Sit in the library for hours.

Eat pai gu mian.

Laugh till I cry.

Cook pasta and instant noodles for 8 people together with 7 people.

Drink bubble tea.

That was 4 years ago. Feels like 10. I feel deprived of youth. Maybe I really am.

Work was never a necessity.
Neither was the need for practicality.

a place like no other

Something is wrong with the picture now. VERY wrong.

I want it from you.

finally he's leaving the job, at least planning to.

For now, it's a good thing from what I can see. Nonetheless, it may turn out otherwise, which I'm praying hard it will not.

Without a doubt, the boss will try to keep him. Its not as if it's easy trying to get people to give up all their time for the company, his company. Imagine him working 7 days a week, sometimes up till 2 am, doesnt have time for lunch, clearing up messes that people leave behind, having discussions with his boss at 11pm at night, instructs his subordinates all through dinner and the list just goes on.

Selfish as I may be, I don't want him to be promoted if it means he has to work like that. Even when I meet him, the only time he has for me is the occassional weak smile and the daily lament of things happening at work. I hate to see him cringe when his phone rings, like how I'm afraid to drop him a message just to say good morning or a simple phone call to ask how he's day has been, just because I know how he detests his phone now.

I want him to be happy. I want him like before, asking me how my day was, forcing me to go to his favourite food stalls, planning our weekends together, window shopping and so on. I stopped looking forward to him telling me, "It'll be my day off on Sunday", cos I know he'll still have to be at work for half the day. I stopped planning my weekends, I stopped planning anything with him. I even stopped expecting his replies. Now, I derive simple joys and satisfaction from last minute calls from him to go for a movie, or just for a nice dinner.

I do not want people to look at him, saying he did well, yet in the end it comes to nothing
Now that he has made me fall in love with his favourite food, I no longer have the opportunities. As much as I hate to be an "on call" basis, its the only way out we have.

Though resigning may spell risks in terms of money wise, I firmly believe that it is for the better.

I believe, after this, I will not hear him reprimanding subordinates in his sleep, seeing him too tired to even finish his dinner. I wanted him to do well in his job, I knew he was up to it, I blame myself for pushing him to go for this job interview. If only I knew what to expect.

Probably, I can get a proper whole-hearted smile from him, I can stop feeling helpless that I'm not able to help in as much as I like to.

As much as I anticipate, I'm afraid of what these uncertainties will bring. Better now than never.

Its a feeling I can't explain. But it's a warm and fuzzy feeling.

i realised.

how you can learn your own faults through others' values.

how you can be so happy when you don't plan for something and it comes as a surprise.

how you can mean so much to a person.

how much a person can mean to you.

how quality of time counts and not quantity.

how simple words can make a person's day.

how letting your thoughts known can make misery uncalled for.

a thousand words can paint a picture, yet an action can make the picture tell you a thousand stories. an action can bring light to someone's darkness.

its just to say the right things at the suitable times.

dashes of sugar

i feel neglected.

i feel sad.

i feel horrible.

i start detaching myself.

then you make me fall in love with you all over again.

i didnt see that side to this.

if that's going to let him feel better, just let it go. since that person can help him when i cant, why dwell in it so much. its just going to make things worse than before.

let it be, shall you?

maybe you should go back to that person. that person can help you in more ways than i can. that person can make your life better. that person is so much more well-equipped to do so.

unlike me.

for your own good. maybe for that person too. maybe you have been deluding yourself. maybe so has that person been.

maybe i should go back to where i came from.

when everything seems to be in place, something seems to be missing. a void. some hollow place somewhere, neglected.

i miss Christopher. i miss his healing massages. the kind that seem to reach the inside of your heart and tell me everything's gonna be fine. not that things aren't fine. they just aren't not fine. in fact i think he went missing. must be burying himself in his tutorials. AGAIN.

some things become scarier the more you think about it, though it may not be happening in the near future, yet, it starts to haunt you.

i think i'll go back to studying next year. if all goes well. part-time. i cant afford to not work. i dont have people feeding me.

bewildered.

i suppose its naive and too much of me to expect things to go back to how they were. as true as these words are, what's done cannot be undone. i've forgotten how it started, what happened. all i remember is the end, which leaves me bewildered.

i remember swiss times. i remember breko times. i remember the new year's eve we had. i feel like laughing.

i remember so many things. so many many things it swirling in my head.

i think i shall pop by xue er's shop on sunday. i miss her so much all of a sudden.

i hate it when things are not within my control. or things go out of hand and dont go according to my plan. many times, i cant plan. i just have to go with the flow and make things work out. i hate his job. i cant complain. but i want him to stay on.

its this grey area that cant be touched upon cos he hates the consequences his job brings but doesnt want to leave. i think its killing both of us. i'm practically working part time in his company cos i help him with his work. i pick up after him the pieces he misses out and tie up the ends he leaves behind cos he only has enough time in a day to go thru the big chunks.

most of the times i have to fit my schedule into his just so he can get his work done in time cos to him a day's work has to be completed in the same day. time just dont stop for anyone. we're practically making merry in a pile of crap. its not much but its significant.

i miss the old times. but i prefer the now. get what i mean? i dont.

can things get any worse? i'll just grit through it.

simple and nice.

i miss the times....

the simplicity of things
the hope the anticipation we had for the future
the plans
the dreams

the things that used to be simple arent simple anymore. the hopes we had all dashed. the plans? long gone with the wind. the dreams, remain solely as dreams. i see the photos and it pricks. things happen for a reason.

i've got a new job!

new job..new bosses.

spent the first week pretty much slacking cos my bosses arent in town. today one of them came back and i got some real work to do. i hate overseas calls cos i can never figure out what codes i'm supposed to use. but its fun.

think monday the other is supposed to come back. means one more big boss to handle. goodness. means i have to walk twice as fast, follow up work twice as fast.

i hope this job will last...seems like a job with prospects. cant wait till my probation is over and i can get leave to go on a holiday. i've been working non stop....

the hours are better though i got to wake up earlier. plus i got a chaffuer to and fro work! arent i lucky!

i hurt myself to cover another pain

i will get out because you want me out. i shall spare you the agony of seeing me around. dont say i didnt try, cos i've always asked if it was okay that i was around. maybe my attempts to get you guys out were not appreciated. just yourselves one question. after so many years, have you ever remembered my birthday? when was the last time you celebrated my birthday?

i dont have to know. and i dont want to know the answers. it may be a very small thing. but it mattered. though not anymore. since a long time ago. i've gotten used to it.

shoot me.

yes i'm the bad guy here. i'm the one who created the mess. go ahead. point your fingers at me. call me names. ignore me. assume i'm this, assume i'm that. question what i did. question what i did not.

go ahead and say it behind my back. go ahead and criticise me. go ahead and condemn me. go ahead.

cos its driving me nuts. to the extent i expected it. i knew all these was coming. why bother explaining and calling truce in the first place. i'm talking about myself not you. i never said all those things. so dont put words in my mouth. i explained things cos i didnt want misunderstandings between us. what was i doing? what i say are my own thoughts. so dont use that against me.

thats it. this shall be the last i have and will be saying regarding this matter.

all these aside....

work's scary. i just caused someone to pay like $700 plus more than he needed to pay. and i nearly not collect $800 plus from somebody. work's fun. people's great. i'm glad i'm moving on. but its tiring. i finish work only at 8 everyday. goodness. and raffles place is a war zone during lunch.

underneath my skin

finally....it ends....

joke's over. the end.

i walk around alone pretty much these days. gives me lots of chances to think. think about what happened, what has yet to happen, what should have happened but did not...

a small retreat alone makes a difference. its like taking a step back from things to see it in a larger picture. does it all mean anything?

i was a joke, maybe i still am. i'm gonna try my best to change that.

think...
laugh...
learn...
move on.

no one waits for people to wake up and get moving. in fact, no one waits. they just move further and further away from you.

small doses of these makes you drowsy

maybe its only at the very end...till we really start seeing what was at the beginning...

sudden brush with death

i think i shall faithfully go early to my grandparents' place this saturday. maybe what happened was a warning to me, or maybe it was a coincidence. but it hit me real hard. right smack where it hurt the most.

sometimes its such things that make me stop and think. why am i putting so much importance in the things which do not require much attention, yet taking for granted stuff that are important to me.

i dont want people i love to die. please dont.

tears dont flow and i wonder why

i hate interviews. i hate people asking me to describe myself. how on earth do you expect me to answer that?! i hate this part where i'm neither here nor there. oh. i'm somewhere. i'm unemployed.

everything's a blur now. everyday all i do is look at job ads, job ads, classified ads, MORE job ads, MORE classified ads, send resumes, send emails, send EVEN MORE resumes. thats all. feel like taking a longer break before i start work. go for a holiday, enjoy myself, have a clear mind before moving on to the working world. the thing is, if i dont look for a job now, i dont know how long i'll take to get a job. what if. just what if. choy choy choy. i dont get a job for months. i'll be living on bread and maggie mee everyday. i'll rot and die of extreme flour poisoning. and BALD. goodness!

it used to be me working among my poly mates. the only one. now, i'm the only unemployed creature around. i'm gonna get a job. though i dont feel like working in a big company, i like small and cosy offices. i shant be choosy for now. i dont have the qualities to be choosy.

i miss studying. or rather. i miss knowing that for the next couple of years, i dont have to worry about having a job, having a route in life. it used to feel like "i still have 2 more years to worry about getting a job. think so much for what?". now its different. i feel old. can i not grow up?

interview's next week. i guess i'll have to put aside such thoughts. no use crying over the past. i mean since my life's moving on and time doesnt wait, i have to move on with it to right? i cant stay here sitting around missing old times and thinking about what i USED to do. i've got to think ahead, grow up to suit and adapt to stuff around me.

i admit i procrastinate. though i hate it when people pressurise and push me into things, i appreciate their intentions. sometimes i just need a push. sorry my dearest people around me. sorry for snapping.

12th June 2005

i never thought i'll leave this place before everyone else. i thought i'd see it close, help to close it like how i helped open it. it turned out otherwise.

as i left i kept telling myself. i made the right decision. i cant hold on to something that wont be there for long. true, that place means a lot to me. it was the place i had so much fun with my friends, where we would laugh till we teared. it was also the place i met my boyfriend. the place i learnt so much from. but one cant hold on to these sentiments and live like there's no tomorrow. soulfood isnt going to last past one month. and i got a whole lot more to think and worry about.

i hope you understand. i do want to stay and help out as much as i can. but things are getting harder. its getting harder for me to drag myself to work, to look forward to whatever the day is going to bring me. it has become a routine. a routine i dread and cant wait to leave behind.

like what i said, i dont want work to contribute or a cause of our fights. its not worth it. work is work and i wont bring it out of where it should be. i'm tired of things going on there. tired of the vicious cycles that happen and happen again. i need a break. i need to have time to think for myself. i need time to think about what i want and what i'm going to do. i want you to be the friends i turn to outside work, where i can grumble and complain about work, and not having to worry that whether what i say will affect us at work.

it isnt really a great day like what i originally thought. it was harder to leave than i thought and expected. but, there is still a sense of relief. i still feel pangs of regret here and there. i still wonder whether i made the right decision. whats done is done. i've quit. now i feel lost. i dont know what i'm going to do tomorrow.

i'm officially unemployed.

i dont like to be at home.

maybe its the lack of emotional belonging that i feel this way. the only time when i feel like being at home is when i know that i'm the only one and everyone is out and that i can do what i want to do. even at home i'm restricted. this lack of emotional belonging is a feeling i'm used to. since young, i've gotten used to the feeling of being more attached to other people, friends, neighbours etc, more than anyone else in the family.

home. home is just a noun. a noun i call a place i live in. it means nothing much actually. my mother is my mother. not a mum. i've never called her "my mum". it has been "my mother". like i've always envied others, when they are able to sit down and really talk to their mums. like have fun, joke, make fun of, cry, laugh with their mums. i've tried to talk to her. but too many times have i been shut out that i stopped trying. an attempt to talk to her, is equivalent to a greater attempt to interrogate me. interrogate in the sense as in "you did something wrong but you're not telling me." or "so, your friends did this, did you do it to?" it puts me off. totally. to the extent i no longer talk at home.

in recent times, i even stopped spending time at home. i've been going out since before daybreak till after the sun sets. basically i never see the sun. i feel better outside. its just the feeling of being out. leaving the house and locking the door behind me is a feelign of relief. a relief from a hated routine that has been supposedly cultivated in me.

words like "you better behave yourself outside", "you are old enough. so you should know what to do and what not to do", "remember. no alcohol. no smoking. no bla bla bla.", "you went drinking right?" etc. anyone would know i dont smoke. ANYONE. my mother makes me feel like i'm some cheap girl hanging outside. oh yes. one more. "girls dont stay out so late. girls should behave properly. its a dangerous world outside. so you should stay at home. are you out with a guy?" plus various attempts to hint to me that i should not be some slut and project some slutty image to guys.

i'm used to it really. though it still hurts from time to time. times when i really wished that i could have a better relationship with her. times that i see other people go out with their mums. times when i wish i could just stay at home and talk to her. times when i can tell her what nice stuff my bf did for me. times when i need to let off stress. times when i can just cry to her. but i'm really really used to it. these stuff just goes into a ear and comes out through the other. i'm well trained.

after 2 nights outside. i dont miss home at all. i dont even have the feeling of going back. i'm just going back cos i have to. not because i want to. to her, my house is my hotel. to me, its just a place i have to be in at the reported times.

all but a surprise

its all but something foreseen.

contradiction isnt good. maybe sometimes, the perfect and happy ending has to be created. fix the pretty pieces and ugly pieces together. only then, can they compliment each other to become your beautiful picture.

nutshell

i want to live in my shell...
a shell of protection i hold with all my loved ones inside
keep things simple and nice
seeing the things i want to see
dont care if i rot and wilt
thats how you grow and learn
can i not?
do i have a choice?
is it within my control?
refusing to grow and move on isnt the way to block out unhappiness
what happened to the world i knew
where has the people i knew gone to
what am i now
a nobody
insignificant

cross-junctions

i'm scared. freaking terrified.

tell me how to get someone back to his feet with a job, a steady income and the belief that things will turn out well, and that it is okay to plan for the future? someone who's just lost his job, havent been able to get a job, set back with debts, and debts that seem neverending, and desperately needs to get over his debts in order to get up and moving with his life no matter how much he wants to.

i dont know how.

all i can say and can do now is just to be there to motivate. to listen. to support.

i'm worried. so is he. but, being stuck in a line thats so diverse and yet restricted, isnt something very encouraging. i dont want him to be on the verge of selling his house, or even worse, to the extent of bankruptcy. his house, his home. a place he retreats every single day. a place he can call his own. now, i'd rather he went to vietnam. may be i'll lose him totally if he went, maybe the single and yet attached feeling would drive me nuts, maybe only being able to see him every 2 months would make me change my mind, maybe the thought of him bringing home a vietnamese bride will drive away my sanity, but at the very least, i know that he's fine and he'll be able to get on with his life and settle his debts.

i cant explain how i feel, cos a thousand thoughts are rushing through my mind right now and i cant type fast enough to explain. my face is aching trying to hold back the tears though he isnt here right now. i thought. i believed, that after that episode, i'd be able to share with them. i dont need advice cos i know no one can help. i just need someone to listen. someone for me to cry to. i've tried time and time again to talk to them. it doesnt help by not getting even an acknowledgement.

i thought that after that episode, maybe we'll at least try to talk. apparently i was wrong. its like, one day we're fine, and one day we're not. i dont know what the hell is happening. they said, they lost me. have i not lost them too? my stand will remain the same, and so shall theirs. i dont see how any more debates will get us anywhere. when i wanted to talk, was anyone willing to listen.

for one, do not judge my boyfriend because of the number of jobs he had or how quickly he changed jobs cos no one, including me, can truly understand how much he had to endure while in those jobs. he didnt ask for a ridiculous boss, did he?

they can say i havent tried hard enough. i've tried proving this point time and time again. it still wasnt enough. i still love them as my friends, but if this is the point thats going to repeat itself again and again. i wonder how much time they spend judging me and evaluating me. i know i wont be able to convince them how much i value them, but if they truly believe they havent had me, i am speechless.

my point is still valid to me, though thats all i have to say. you guys probably dont trust me that much after all. i will still ask u guys out once in a while, one thing i can be sure is it wont be often which i'm sure you guys know best, but i'm not so sure whether you will turn up anot. but for now, take care and i sincerely and honestly love you guys and will definitely be there when you need me, whether you believe anot.

a few days ago, i told farena and yk at work that i was dying. cos i was getting this headaches constantly after hitting my head. i still am but i'm not going to do anything about it. i exaggerated of cos i'm not going to die. i'm really still looking forward to the day that i can drive and make my father sit in the back of the van. haha. but i am one who thinks alot, in fact, lots of out of this world stuff, i can imagining myself dying and getting hit by a car and stuff. but i'm too gutless to really go out there and do it. not totally because i'm gutless.

but really because i honestly believe that there's alot more worth living for. everytime things get really bad for me, i know deep down inside, i'm not the only one deep in shit. and if they can get their feet going, why cant i? i love doris. she's one incredible woman. doris, if you're reading this, i know things have been hard on you, though i dont know whats really going on or whether you're going to tell me, but no matter what happens, you still have us and most importantly your kids. when it gets too hard, take a short break and move on. your kids are doing that. no matter how bad things can go, i'm sure you know that things wont remain like that forever. so smile, and you can scold me all you want. i'm used to it anyway. =) and really doris, we all really love you alot!

cheers to winson, que sera sera.


last words, love yourself.

love him. hate him.

i'm kind of enjoying the school-less days now. though i know i should get my ass off the chair and go get a job. i need the money. pay off my driving lessons and start saving up money. isnt easy to not be able to spend and shop and having to watch how much i spend, but i have to i guess. its getting harder and harder.

guess ah jie's right. both of us have finally gotten our priorities right. or rather me. i think by not putting so much focus on where our relationship is heading makes it simpler and less pressurising on the both of us. we're having a whole lot more fun and we can talk about alot more stuff now. knowing that we support each other in whatever decision both of us make, and knowing that he's there to guide me along. its nice. the main focus in his life now is to get his career back into shape in order to think bout other things. whereas for me, i want to get my next step right and start off on the right foot. i love spending time with him now, even if i have to spend time watching tv alone at his place. cos somehow, he's making it a point to talk to me and get me involved in whatever he's doing ever since i told him how i felt.

i look at him now in a different light now that i've straighten things with myself, and i love him a whole new level up. the tingles are starting to come back and i'm happy to know that he's trying very hard to make sure everything goes well. basically i think i just drive him mad cos i'm constantly making him do silly stuff. do not ask me what. but they're real dumb. trust me.

times like i would purposelly call when i know he's watching tv just to irritate him, times when i bombard him with messages that he do not understand, times that he's forever stealing my munchies, times that he would purposelly make me do stuff so that he can laugh at me, times that he talk in his sleep asking me to call his platoon sergeant. and not forgetting the 67 missed calls and the many times he locks his keys in his room and get stuck in the living room waiting for help to come.

i shall end this night with a smile on my face.

be silent.

i'm shutting out.

shutting out unwanted and undesired noise. NOISE.

shutting out everything i dont wish to hear. dont wish to hear.

shutting out images i dont want to see. i wish i can.

shutting out the rising anger in me.

trying very hard to keep quiet.

trying very hard to keep my mouth shut.

trying very hard to keep my cool.

trying very hard to get her voice out of my head.

trying very hard to not hear her sarcasm.

i shall shut up.

____________________________________

stupid ideas. keep repeating the same old stuff. keep bringing out the past issues and repeat them over and over again. very fun right? grumbling, complaining, screaming, threatening, self-pitying is all you do. wow. i'm impressed. cos you thought me nothing all these years. all i remember from my childhood is YOU accusing me of stealing your money. a mere $5. when i did not even see or take. YOU put it in the wrong bag. YOU accused me. YOU didnt say sorry. YOU thought i was just a child and it was okay to put the blame on me. you say i treat the home as a hotel? then tell me. what is it at home do i look forward to?

for so many years, i open the door. every single time, its an empty home. no, you cannot go out. no, you have to stay at home. no, you cannot go to your friends' house. no, you cannot stay out late. no, its not right for a girl to come home late. no, you cannot stay overnight at the chalet. no this no that. call yourself my parents. you say i waste your money and waste your electricity. i stay out. i earn my own money. i dont take a single cent from you. yet you say that you're still supporting me. my foot. since how long ago have i not taken a cent from you. when it comes down to the point that i'm totally broke and in desperate need of money, i take money from you. and you can harp on it for ages. you dont treat me as a person, so why should i try so hard?

i shall shut up too. cos i'm stuck with her.

ignorance is bliss

the twists and turns of the story so dark. the story which cannot be told. this dark and hidden tale none other than the involved will know. those who hurt will hurt in silence. those who enjoy should enjoy discreetly, yet its all in the light.

what shouldnt have happened has happened and my heart aches for the innocent. the innocent is of no stranger yet made one for no reason. doesnt anyone deserve any respect here? doesnt anyone deserve to be treated the way they should be? its all but a vicious cycle. its all but a thrill. its all but something i cant help. i'd like to warn, yet thoughts of the innocent holds me back.

when a person knows something that he/she isnt suppose to know, yet it concerns him/her, and he/she should do something but cannot do anything, wouldnt it hurt like hell? it reminds me of what winson said, its all but just a masquerade. wear a mask, face the world. put that smile and hide whatever you want. thats just how its done isnt it? i can feel, i can hurt, i can see, so why force myself to wear that mask? hide those thoughts and those fears? i guess, as what they say, it just has to happen this way. cos in a way, it still protects the innocent in one way or another.

-----------------------------------------------------------

fiona's leaving soon. on wednesday night in fact. we're going to have a farewell dinner for her tonight at soulfood and yk's gonna cook pasta and cream of mushroom!!! yayyy!!! i'm drooling already. though she hasnt been all that close, we had shared thoughts and laughter and definitely breakfasts at work. as irritating as her whining can be, guess i'll still miss her somewhat. she's fine without her whining, just that she's used to whining to frank, so she thats more or less the way she speaks. maybe we'll meet each other sometime somewhere someplace when she gets back from shanghai, no one knows. but for now, i wish her all the best. goodbye FioNA~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and boy, am i looking forward to the farewell dinner.

enough.

to juan:

enough is enough.

i've taken a step back, so wont you quit talking and bringing up the past repeatedly? cant you just let things go and give that leeway for some changes to be made? its not going to help or change anything if you keep on mentioning it. anyway, the blogskin is a default blogskin and i do not need to explain to anyone which blogskin i use. is that an issue too?

stop the tagwar and whatever stuff. where is all these going to lead to? doesnt mean i dont say a thing means i dont care. i just see no point in going on with all these. does quarrelling undo whatever happened? if you say you call me a friend, be nice and not say such things about me when you're angry.

i'm not going to promise that i will meet up very often with you all immediately. but i'm just saying, give me more time to try. dont keep these things and give it to me at one go. its not easy to handle.

i'm not trying to out talk anyone here or explain anything to anyone. i still believe in what i believed in. a friend is a friend forever. there is no such thing as giving a friend up. to me, our gatherings are special. it doesnt have to happen often but its all treasured. believe me. when you see the world through my eyes and feel what i feel, and still think its totally my fault, then go ahead and criticise me. i'll listen. everyone has faults. so please stop harping on mine and stop those harsh words. an attempt is all i need.

as i try to meet up more often, i really hope you'll give in a little. saying i'll always be there means i'll always be there. though more emotionally instead of physically. please try to understand that. and fyi, why i didnt ask eve out on her bday, cos remember i asked you whether we going out on her birthday, you said most probably no, cos you had to study for your papers and wont be going out. so i asked you if we were going out the following week, you said yes. do not put words into my mouth.

thats all.

great day. been called a betrayer by 2 of my closest friends and scheming by my mother. rounded up with my boyfriend screaming into the phone at me. not mentioning the physical hurt. great.

to juan and eve:

this thing has been going on for so long and guess we better talk about it once and for all. first of all, you said you dont see me trying hard enough. what is enough? if you say to be tolerant and patient, have you done so with me? do you know what i'm going through for the past year? things have changed yes. i do not deny that. doesnt mean i have other friends means i forgo our friendship. to me, it is not the number of the times we meet up, its knowing that i will be there whenever you need me. how much do you know about whats happening now? ever tried harder to see things from my point of view? i work hard to prove my mother wrong. i work hard to prove people who think i cannot make it wrong. do you understand?

its not a matter whether how many times i ask you out or its everytime that you ask me out? isnt the outing the most important thing? if i dont message you, does it mean i forget about you? if thats the way it is with you, i dont know what to say. i can never out talk both of you. you count the times i dont call you, i dont go out, you think the reasons i give are excuses. have you counted the times i've asked you out, counted the times i tried so hard to organise birthdays, counted the times i've been there, counted the times i've been accused of betrayal?

talking about betrayal. you say i betray the friendship by telling farena about what we discussed. then telling yk about it isnt betrayal? i'm not putting the blame on you. but please, just for once, listen to what i have to say. it hasnt been easy trying to convince the both of you that i'm still a friend and that i'm always here. times like yesterday, i didnt know a single shit about both of you going out. how was i supposed to make it a point to go out with you? maybe i HAVE to call you out. i DO talk to you in msn dont i? i DO msg you from time to time right? can you say an absolute NO?

so after all these, its just a "she deserves to cry". thats all i mean to u.

maybe the schedule thing was just a platform for you to get into this topic. but, whatever it is, accusing me of betrayal is something that i need to clarify. have you told others about it? if yes, is that called betrayal. you say i dont get it. do both of you get it? i'm not trying to defend myself. i'm trying to get you guys to see the way i see things.

the special place in my heart

read xue er's blog. after so long, somehow or other i managed to come across it.

she had a story about the jing jang gang. our jing jang gang. it brought back so many memories to me.

brought together by fate. all because of our seating arrangement. we were a noisy bunch of friends. most of the time screaming and squealing in laughter. especially during maths lessons. we used to stand up together cos we didnt do our homework. we used to piss the hell out of Mrs Yap our physics teacher and Mrs Mano, our beloved Maths teacher who taught us a whole lot of stuffs.

memories of the jing jang gang are of chicken mee with lots of chilli, pai gu mian, custard chicken, bubble tea at west mall, spicy chicken, takopachi, maggie mee, cup noodles, ice cream, spaghetti and a whole lot more. we used to chill, relax, talk, dream, gossip, bitch, study together at all possible places. library, west mall, juan's house. we even skipped school to study! how ironic. but thats us.

all of us in the jing jang gang are so different in personalities. all so different yet we somehow fitted together. we were so crazy. man! i miss those days. we had talks about getting good results together, opening a cafe together, renting a place and moving out together, getting married and get all the rest as bridesmaids etc etc. however, what we didnt realise is that the poor last girl to get married wouldnt have a bridesmaid at all! silly us.

this simple and carefree life didnt seem to last. we got into poly, we spread further though still connected by that thin line of fate. all of us blossomed. now young, fine ladies blooming into the beautiful flowers we all are.

yet, the meetups are getting more and more patronising. knowing we all go to each gathering with hopes that it'll be how it used to be, filled with wholesome laughter and sincere concerns, but we all know deep inside, things arent the same any more.

we managed to succeed in one thing. we told each other that our group is going to expand. we're going to bring boyfriends and girlfriends along on gatherings. ultimately, we'll meet up over tea with husbands and wives and children in tow. we're on our way there. we're too big a group now to find a decent eating place but we make do.

it touched me so much to read what xue er wrote. we watched each other grow up. and we're still together as a group. no one can change that. it's all up to us. i still look forward to each gathering knowing we'll have fun, but we all have our own paths. with this in mind, we'll support and lend that listening ear and shoulder or tears of joy or sorrow whenever needed.

regardless how far we drift or how much we change, the jing jang gang will always have that special place in my heart. i still love you guys. but boy....we're getting old. its been 4 years since we graduated!

wrecked

If i had to make a choice to give up one of my senses, i suppose it would be not to talk.

I dont mind having to use my hands to talk, cos sign language is actually such a beautiful language.

but the true reason is that the world would actually be such a simpler place if everyone spent more time listening. cliche. but come to think of it true. if we think before we speak, lots of stuff can actually be avoided. though you may feel terrible at the start, its actually a blessing to be able to listen to people. i mean real listening.

i'll be graduating unofficially in 2 days time. right now, i'm supposed to give my best for this final project in order to graduate with at least some glory despite the terrible results i have obtained throughout the 3 years of polytechnic education. i'd never really paid much attention to people who say that studying is actually better than working, cos i'd always thought that it depends on what kind of job you're doing. whether you enjoy it anot.

but now, when i'm actually literally on the chopping board, it scares the hell out of me. not knowing what to expect, not knowing the exact direction to go, cos you have to make the first step in order to make your future seem brighter or something like that. i no longer have a definite path, like primary school to secondary school to jc/poly blah blah blah. for now, my future seems bleak, seems so unclear, foggy. every step i take is so tiny in fear of screwing my entire life up. i want no regrets. i know how it feels to regret something so bad you actually feel like killing yourself to ease the pain. contradictingly, you'll never know till you try. no pain no gain.

i want to graduate with a smile on my face. seeing the past 3 years flash past me with me laughin happily. i want my parents to be proud of me, i want my boyfriend to say that he's proud of me once again. and i want people to congratulate me that i'm graduating. i want to feel that i'm able to make my own decisions and not be tied down by projects and stuff once again. ignore my thoughts of further education for the time being.

its a whole new world out there now. at this very moment, i have so much eagerness to start a job i love yet i know how hard that possibility is. how little my chances are. i tell myself, i'll embrace each change with optimism and hope. making it work for myself. i want to depend on no one else.

after all these, i shall now go back to my dreaded final project once again though i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing or what i have to do but i shall complete it and present it on Tuesday (290305) with pride. cos its something i've struggled with for the past whole year. with so many sleepless nights and endless project meetings and terrible deadlines to meet.

wish me luck my dear friends....i'll need your support alot.

minding my own business

so its wrong to care. wrong to be concerned. wrong to be a friend.

since you insist that you're right and its YOUR problem, i shall step out of this totally. i wont bother anymore. you can insist whatever you think is right. and do it your way. vice versa. its all up to you.

i'm just being biased. i'm just being nosey. i'm just gossiping. i'm wrong to be disappointed. i'm wrong to watch out for you as a fren. i'm just being unreasonable for making you see things MY way.

i'll leave you alone. and him. and the other him. whatsoever. do what u deem fit.

i'm outta here.

draw the line

i've lost respect for him. if you wanna play, know your limits. and dont do it so blatantly. it disgusts me. if you wanna know what i think and why i'm so pissed, its cos you cant draw the line. make that line clear and you still wanna do this, at least i still have that little respect for you. you say you try, okay, fine, i shall take my words back for now and see what you're planning to do. make your life and hers simple and hell for everyone else.

maybe its not what i think it is, but what you say and how you behave are contradictions. we have eyes to see. anyway, its your life. i'll just remind you and i'll stay out of it. i'll be around. definitely. but keep the benefits to yourself.

anyway, i had fun. met up with eve, juan and far. had fun like always. went for a hair cut just to satisfy our craving. not much difference physically. great delight though. i just want things this way. simple and fun. just us.

be brave for yourself.

i did something so brave today. something i havent been able to do.

he wanted to meet me. i said no. even though i wanted to.

i'm going to make him realise my existence. that he should start treating me right. and not take me for granted. but what i cant believe is, he was nice just now, messaged me how was my project and stuff, then said he shall not distract me anymore. and now he's playing mahjong.

never mind. he can play all he wants today. then i shall not meet him tomorrow, or the day after, or the day day after, until he comes looking for me. my guy friend treats me better than my boyfriend. a whole lot better. it does sting when i hear of the nice things that other boyfriends do for them. but what can i do? i've got to accept that you arent made up of sweet talk. its the effort baby. dont you see it? fine. i shall stop complaining and grumbling. i am going to do my project. i am going to concentrate. i am going to go to work tomorrow. i am not going to message you. i am going to study after work. i am not going to message you. i am not going to meet you. i am going to enjoy myself. and i am going to make you wake me up tomorrow. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

i gotta be brave.

there's something seriously wrong with my phone!

and i'm too broke to get a new one!! argh!!
so irritating...

i receive my messages like 1 hour after i'm supposed to receive them, or i dont receive them at all.

selective acceptance.

clever phone. dumb phone.

i procrastinate too much. i'm too indecisive. i'm too stubborn. i think too much. i'm too lazy. i'm too ugly. i hate to wake up early but i love working morning shifts. i put too much feelings into my relationships. i need to think through what i want. i need to know what i want.

the dust swept away

wont you be me for awhile
take my thoughts with you
bring my feelings with you
you'll know what i feel

i make myself feel
the burdens you have
the pressure you face
so you'll feel much better

cant you just be me
for that one day
you make me feel
like the tiniest of all dust

insignificant
unappreciated
clingy
the list just goes on

i'd try my best to smile
so you'd end the day so fine
at the end of my day
its a dark and lonely night

some things wont change
unless you truly want them to
that little more push and effort
is all i need from you

materials i have no use for
as much as i'd like to have
a simple gesture to make me smile
would brighten my entire week

i'd make things simpler for you
if only i could so
i'd try till i break
but its getting me nowhere

see me the way people do
not the dumb ass in your eyes
i wanna feel important
i just wanna be loved properly

thou shall learn

apparently my indecisiveness can kill someone...

he was so pissed at me cos i couldnt decide what to eat and where to go that he refused to talk to me and went to sleep for 2 hours, leaving me doing absolutely nothing constructive. we went for dinner at 8 45pm and he refused to hold my hand and crossed the stupid road without me. we didnt talk throughout dinner cos i refused to talk to him and was pissed at the fact that he was pissed at me and i had absolutely no idea what he was so pissed off about.

finally he gave in to me even though he was still pissed. BUT, i still had no idea what he was pissed about.

it didnt make any sense to me cos he was pissed at me and refused to talk to me. then he talked to me as though nothing happened. then he kissed me. then helloooo, whats going on here?!

to my dearest:

i'm sorry.

i know my indecisiveness has been hell for you. i know you want me to learn to make decisions and be more assertive and it gets you mad that i'm not learning. i'm trying. actually yesterday i was looking more for suggestions than a decision from you. i dont want to tell you, "hey lets go somewhere" then you'll be obligated to go with me but actually all you want to do is get some rest and do your stuff.

i'll learn.

i believe in karma.

some questions though. why is it that bad karma goes around and yet good karma awaits to be seen? high possibility the answer would be not now but someday. that leads me to question 2: when is that someday? what if i never live to that SOMEDAY?

i see him in his sleep, i love the way he looks. we had a rather brief but satisfying conversation today, while he accompanied me on the phone when i was on my way to work. or rather i was accompanying him when he was driving. he's so into taking courses now. he said if things work out well here, he doesnt want to go over to vietnam anymore. its good news for me of cos. just praying everything goes well. i know its tough on him and there's alot of things he has on his mind, so i try very hard, very very hard not to demand too much attention from him. but there are times, simple simple stuff that just pushes me over. of cos, i still keep my cool. just blabber alot of nonsense. forgive me.

he had a minor accident with the van yesterday and broke the rear glass panel of the van due to his negligence. apparently he wasnt thinking about how much it would cost, who's going to have to pay bla bla bla, but rather he was blaming himself for making such a stupid mistake. i kept telling him not to dwell over it cos what happened cannot be undone. at least he knows he should pay more attention to details in future.

its ironic how you can forget how you started disliking a person. you can put so much energy and effort into finding ways to make life hell for that person, spend so much time dwelling over it, and when it actually comes down to it, i bet you cant remember what the exact thing that person did to make u so mad. you wouldnt remember when it started cos you're too obsessed about getting to the end when you would vent your anger. you wouldnt look at the big picture, cos you're so eager to get to the next step of your plan. its all so amazing. how all this starts to fit into place. when you actually sit down to really think about things, you start to realise how all these is just going to fit into a single page of your life, one where you would look back and laugh yourself silly, hopefully, with no regrets.

back to square one. soon.

i've had fun working this week.

new faces, whole new craziness.

new plans, new roles great deal of office politics.

he'll be gone. single yet attached.

someone tell her what to do

its scary how things become more and more complicated as one gets older.

death, depression, abortion, pills, suicide.... all these used to only be in books, not reality.
i want to be young again. young as in carefree, young as in no worries. then again, all these have been part of my life since long ago.

partying isnt my cup of tea i always say. the truth is, i'm too self-conscious to club. i dont know what to do or what to wear. i do not love missing out on fun, i do not love not being young, i do not love being cooped up at home when everyone else is out there.


u all mean alot to me. doesnt mean i dont meet u often means you're forgotten and covered with dust. you people are the best thing that ever happened to me. i mean it.

i dont want time to pass so fast. the void becomes bigger and i cling to him even tighter as the times go by. maybe its cos of this you're so much nicer to me and you're holding tight to me too. i'm terrified that as the time goes nearer to the day you're gonna leave means the time left till our breakup. i dont know how to maintain a long distance relationship and i dont know how to know that you're the one and i dont know how to make sure you dont have someone else out there and i dont know how to be alone for 2 whole months before i see you again and i dont know how to help you with your stuff. you dont talk about it anymore and everything is becoming so vague i'm scared i'll start to think that you're gonna stay and be with me. its starting to feel like a dream, something so unreal, so out of reach, so far fetched that i feel like laughing at myself.

i'm losing control.

i realised.

how much it means for the need for one to be self-contented.

taking a look around me. seeing what's been happening to people around me stabs me right through like a knife. haven't got the time to meet up with important people in my life. and i just need to get moving and persist in getting them out.

being easily contented, makes life easier.
being easily contented, makes me happier.
makes me less pissed.
makes me less critical.
makes me less demanding.
makes me less expecting.
makes me less deluding.
makes me a whole lot less.

but does being easily contented, make me not desire more?
not expect more?
not feel more?

somehow, when it means being self-contented, does it also mean more self-denial, more suppressed expectations, more hidden desires? if thats the case, how can being self-contented make one's life more simple, cos in this forced simplicity, a greater complex network of emotions are formed. stronger emotions are required to suppress the thoughts needed to create the simplicity.

in this self created simplicity, the complex consequences are sometimes simply too much for me to bear. so grit and rough it out. the road's never smooth to start with. fall and learn. hurt and grow.

nice and slow

things have been slow...

but i like it this way.

he treats me nice.

havent met up with eve for quite some time and i feel bad. but i cant seem to bring myself to go out. its too tiring answering questions and giving answers. i dont feel like spending money either. i will make myself ask her out. soon. prolly to holland v. chill, talk, eat, relax. yeah.

my tummy's killing me now. must be the laxatives i took. i know i should go see a doc or something, get some medicine do some checkups cos i get tummyaches very easily. but they're probably going to say the same old stuff again. i shall self-heal and not waste the money.

UPS & downs

1 year.

not very long.

lots of things happened.

i'd say it was eventful.

ups and downs. understatement.

overall i was happy. actually i feel it. i feel loved. but still i need reassurance at times. at the very least he remembered.

my grandma's in hospital. somehow i wished i learnt how to speak teochew. so at least i can communicate with her, even if it was only during new year. i felt bad when she said out of so many grandchildren she has, she has never looked after any of us. cos she's almost deaf. she cant hear us properly. now she's 100% deaf in one ear and 90% deaf in the other. she had a mild heart attack and a mild stroke. she's been admitted for close to a week and things aren't looking too good. yesterday, she couldnt speak and couldnt sit up. they moved her up a level cos her situation's getting worse.

frankly i'm scared. and worried. though i havent been close to her, she's still my grandma and i dont want anything to happen to her. though she's 86. i havent had someone really close gotten so sick before after my grandfather.

it aint a good year.

the vicious cycle.

i suppose everyone has their own life to lead. that's what i've always thought. at the very least, everyone is responsible for their own life and how it turns out. but why do i seem to be responsible for everyone else'es life? this i cant answer.

finish what you start off. i mean, you knew what would happen and how things will turn out. especially since you made it happen, be responsible for it and bear the consequences. friends can guide you and be there for you but friends cannot solve your problems for you. at the end of the day, its still up to you you and only you. you created those problems yourself. problems, so as to speak, which wouldnt even be there if you didnt start it. you knew what was coming. you were warned my dear, you jumped straight into it and now the people who warned you have to clear the mess you left behind? how considerate.

i've learnt. learnt how things come as a vicious cycle. do unto others how you want to be treated. nothing more nothing less. if you give more, do so with no regrets. always step into other people's skin and feel and breathe their thoughts for that one split second. it brings more forgiveness to the things that people do. for me, i know i can forgive but i'll never forget. does it bring more justice to what i do? i try my best to understand, to think the way you think, to feel the way you feel, but there's a limit. i know for a fact my limit's pretty hard to reach.

breathe the air i breathe. feel the way i feel. think the way i think. see the things i see. be the person i am. just for a moment. just a minute. thats all i ask for.

i'm fucking pissed.
i'm so pissed i cant breathe properly.
i cant think.
i'm getting a headache.
i want to cry to let it out.
but i cant.
thats how bad it is.

is it so hard for you to tell me things beforehand instead of me expecting that things will turn out this way then in the end it turns out the total opposite? you make me feel worthless. i'm not dumb. i think alot more deeper stuff than you think i actually do. its not that i'm easily taken advantage of. i only do this cos i care. dont give me the crap that you're confused and have alot of things on your mind. i gave excuses for you thinking you have alot of stuff going on at work and need space. i kept things to myself. i cried myself to sleep so many times i lost count. you only think of yourself.

ask yourself. when was the last time you said something nice? it used to be only your messages inside my inbox. for a long time now, names of other guys have been appearing first at the top of the list in my inbox. why is it that other guys treat me and appreciate me better than you do? i dont need you to do anything like buy me expensive gifts or alot of attention. just a few words of concern and occassional assurance that i'm still loved and appreciated is all i need. is that so hard?

i give you the time you need to think. who's going to give me the answers i want? if it's so hard for you to talk about it, why is it that you can tell everyone about it except me?! you said you dont want to hurt me. why is it that you're hurting me and you're the only one who's bringing tears to my eyes and you dont care? i hate you i hate you i hate you.

if you really love me, why is it that i'm crying all the time? it used to be so hard for me to cry, now i can cry at any single thing. do i deserve to be treated this way? what did i do to deserve all this shit? i try my best to be a good girlfriend, try to think things your way. which girl would keep quiet when you meet your ex-girlfriend? which girl wouldnt kick up a fuss when you bring her to your ex-gf's house and ask you to water her plants? you tell me!

i'm hurting. i'm hurting so bad inside i feel like giving up. for the past weeks, yes, so you meet me everyday. but 90% of the time you're doing work. you never practice what you preach. you're never there for me when i need you. yes, i said i'll be independent but you dont even know what's going on in my life.

i hear what you say. you're alone and there's no commitments. you say all these in front of me. how do you think i feel? you introduce me as your girlfriend but do you treat me as one? i'm tired. i tried. tried so hard. no one understands the pain cos i act. i've been lying to everyone around me. to myself. finding excuses for you. for me. for us.

irony

its ironic how unfortunate events can bring about happy events. cant put it into words exactly but mixed feelings. happy yet sad. excited yet dreading. that kind of thing.

one happy note to the day.

allan's going back to his course. it was a pleasant surprise and coincidental too cos far and i was talking about papa cow going back to school earlier in the day. its a quality i like in my guy. the interest to do something about his life. instead of just resigning to his "fate" that thats all the qualifications he has. i'm proud of him.

in your head...

que sera sera

everyone's harping on how great their valentine's day was. what their boyfriends did. the nice presents they got. how sweet they were. its getting on my nerves. cos i'm jealous.

i should stop complaining. yes, yk, i know its the path i chose.

chris treats me better and appreciates me more and say nicer things to me than my boyfriend. can everyone just get over v-day???!!!!

my advice to all girls out there. get a young guy. a guy with more time on his hands.

i hate his job.

" most men wont know how to appreciate their women until they're gone."

question: should i go?

at the phase where emotions run high and low all the time. extremes. i'm just trying hard not to think. not to be free. cos i know once i'm free, i'll think too much. maybe i just want to numb myself. free from pain and sorrow. i dont want to think.

cos i realised if i work the entire day, i wont message him or think about him too much. then it'll be easier for me to get used to him not being around. and i dont expect that he'll meet me just so that i wont be disappointed. so it'll be a bonus if he really does.

the thing is, when i try so hard to move away, he'll come back. if i dont message him the whole day, he'll message me. but he just doesnt treat me right somehow.

que sera sera. whatever will be will be...

thats all.

now i realise. it hit me like head on bricks. ouch.

he's having a hard time at work. really hard. he doesnt talk about it like always. always say he's fine when he's not. i saw you controlling your anger. i felt the anger you were suppressing. its not like any other hard times you've had at work. its different this time. i no longer blame you for being distant. it no longer hurt cos you refused to talk. i shall practice what i preached and be supportive of you. only cos i know you dont mean to. you meant it when you said you had alot of things on your mind. i'll try to be more understanding about it k baby?

i felt your concern and all the hurt was gone. okay..maybe not all.. but it didnt hurt that much. and the thank you helped alot.

i'll miss it.

i love you.

thats all.

enough is enough.

3 times i've tried my dear. 3 times i didnt get an answer. banging into walls i feel like i'm doing. you think its only you in this?! why is it so hard to just tell me how you feel?i dont need you to give me a solution, to tell me what to do, to tell me anything. all i want is you to tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're worrying about!

i'm tired of crying everytime this topic is brought up. you do things i cant explain. you hide your feelings what you think, maybe you think i'd be happier this way. i dont want this. i dont need you to do all these. i dont need your charity, or attempts to make my life better.

people ask me whether i feel if there's a future for us. i cant answer. only because i dont know what you're thinking. its you and me in this. not just you. not just me. i cant decide whether we'll have a future on my own. its a question shot to me from day one. up till now i cant answer. things have changed. things are no longer simple, even if my parents know about it. even if i see a future, things wont work out if we continue this way. i've been fighting off objections from so many people, not to come to this. i dont want people to decide our fate. i want us to have a future cos we can make it happen and last.

for so long, people have been objecting. i listened and judged for myself. sounds easy doesnt it? road has been smooth for you not for me. i'm the one going through the ups and downs. now that things have become more serious, you dont seem to want to share your thoughts with me. why do i try so hard to make it work? you tell me.

deafening voices

why is it so hard to get it out of you?
words screaming inside my head
deafening and fierce
forcing me to make a move

people pushing
thoughts fighting
hell's in me
no one's listening

i need a voice
need to be heard
cant you stop what you're doing
pay attention to me just once

its not that hard
aint it?
i'm not asking too much
am i?

dont regret
after i've given up
i've tried countless times
silence is all you give

its not fair to me
you never thought my way
i'm flesh and blood
i hurt and bleed like everyone else

whats the point
of sticking together
when you are you
and i am i

tell me
who am i to you
i cant share your pain and sorrow
i dont know a single thing about you

meet the aunt

he brought me to his aunt's house the other day. it was huge. like 4 storeys high plus a basement kind of thing. and it was flooded with people. wrong. not just people. RELATIVES. it was practically a family casino kind of thing, with different kinds of gambling in different rooms. went there for dinner then left for his house to play mahjong. i practically fell asleep cos i had been out the whole day and all i did there was pour water for people and stare at mahjong tiles. when he was sending me home, he told me that his aunt probably had a good impression of me cos she kept asking me to eat and kept asking him to accompany me eat. i beg to differ. i prolly just have a pitiful and helpless look on my face screaming "help!!!!" that kinda thing.

ah jie commented "why, he want to marry you? why bring you to his aunt's house?" it shocked me for a second. it was his other aunt on the first day of new year. i couldnt make it. 2nd day, he brought me to another aunt's house. as if he wont give up, he wants to bring me over on the 8th day too. cos they going to pray or something. on the 19th of feb, he wants to bring me to his friends' gathering. now, things are moving fast, yet i have no idea whats he thinking. absolutely no idea.

it does feel better having pouring out what ever i feel to him, but i have yet to have a reply. i still need to know what he's thinking. he said he's still a little confused about going over, asked him about what. he just said many issues. then fell asleep. damn!

shut up

its no point saying it over and over again.

the more i talk about it the more it hurts.

the more i talk about it the smaller the problem seems.

i dont know whats wrong or whats actually affecting me. whether its the fact that i wont be able to see him, or the uncertainty in me thats so overwhelming. it scares me so much. i cant handle it. spent half an hour watching him sleep today, and i realise i wont be able to handle it when he leaves. i love watching him sleep.

people arent listening. they tell me opinions they give me their so called advice yet they arent listening. they never attempted to put themselves in my shoes. think the way i do. feel the sorrow and confusion i feel. they tell me to break up. to leave him cos he's only going to hold me back.

there is no reason for me to break up and i dont want to and i dont think i can handle it. they tell me this they tell me that. would they be able to do what they told me to do if they were me? does the words "break up" come so easily to you? just try feeling half of what i'm feeling and you'll probably change your "advice".

i try. i try very hard to distract myself. i try very hard to make time no matter how little to be with you. i'm so scared that time is running out for us.

i never knew holding back tears could hurt so much

some things have the weirdest way of twisting themselves to an unbelievable end. one moment i thought things would have a happy ending and people who dont deserve to be treated well should get their desserts whereas for those who deserve better get what they deserve. now, things are apparently getting complicater. much much complicater. all i can say for now is.. its a vicious cycle.

i'm not going to object to anything cos i've been there, done that. i've been in your shoes my dear. i know how much it hurts and how it feels like. you decide for yourself what kind of a person he is. honestly, i dont have a good impression of him. thats why i warned her. why on earth are you stepping straight into a pit when you know you'll get stuck? you say you dont want to get hurt but you know very well, you will get hurt this time round? i dont know what to say. all i can say is i wish you all the best and hope i'm wrong. hopefully he'll treat you the way you deserve and change for the better.

--------------------------------

he's really going. going to vietnam. in 3-6 months time, he'll be gone. says he has to go cos the pay is so much higher and he needs to pay his debts badly. he'll be going over with his cousin to be a director in name. i was trying so hard to fight back tears. all those laughter were so fake. i paused so many times cos i felt my tears choking me. i hope you wont leave so soon.

once again, to remind myself, i cant be selfish. as much as i want you to stay, i know its for your own good. i do wanna be that supportive girlfriend whom you dont have to worry about in singapore. you'll come back every 2 months i know.

i want you to be here when i reach and start the next phase of my life, be it my working life or university life. but i know i cant tell you all these. guess i just got to learn to be more independent from now onwards.

retarded

i wanna scream
scream my lungs out
get the hurt and the pain
out of my soul

retard the thoughts
stop the dreams
release and relive
be myself once more

out of sight
out of mind
are you going to bring me back?
make me surface in this undeniable existence

here i am
sitting alone
thoughts running wild
give me a tight slap wont you

i shouldnt have to feel
the many ways i'm feeling
you're the king
i'm the joker

neglected

doing some major comfort eating here. i know i shouldnt be doing this. but hey..i need comfort. and i cant seem to get it anywhere else.

tons of thoughts going through my mind right now. i feel neglected. he hasnt spoken more than 10 sentences in 3 days to me. all i wanted to do after a long 9 hrs of standing and surveying, is a nice warm meal with my boyfriend. waited all day and not a single message. in the end i messaged him. he called and told me to have dinner myself. having dinner myself is one of the top ten things i absolutely hate to do. i've been having dinner myself on tuesday, on wednesday, on thursday, and probably on friday too. hellooo... where's my boyfriend?

never trust someone too easily

i cant believe you lied. to think we were so worried about you. what do you treat us as? fools??? maybe you've never treated us as friends. maybe we really trusted the wrong person. but i dont see the point in lying to us! is it so difficult for you to tell us the truth?! all your stories about being sick and all those shit were just packs of lies. i tried very very hard to make myself believe you and whatever you say cos i treated you as a friend and i wanted to give you the benefit of doubt. what is all these crap i see in your blog?! you think no one will know if you dont say? i'm so disappointed in you. i dont know what on earth are you thinking. maybe from now onwards, our paths will never cross again i dont know. what i know now is, i dont know who you are anymore.

2 decades old

met up with juan and eve at holland v breko. we were talking. nowadays when we girls talk, we talk alot and i mean ALOT about the future. it used to be superficial issues now that you look back last time, now we're talking about real serious stuff. it used to be school, problems with having a STEAD blah blah blah. now its what we're going to do in the future, marriage, that kind of thing.

it hit me how important being self-contented is. okay, not everyone has a perfect family or a perfect life. life itself is too imperfect. having shitty parents isnt an excuse for everything. so people has a car, has a good looking boyfriend, is rich, is in an university, is a so called "upper-class" kind of girl, lead a glam life. its only a big deal cos you grew up with her and she has so much more than you have now.

to me, being rich isnt everything. honestly, i wouldnt marry for money. yes, money is important. it means a heck to me at this point in my life cos i know i need money. if i had more money things would be alot easier and i wouldnt have to work 7 days a week and i can shop without thinking more than twice. maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow. i do want a man i can depend on in future, a man who can support a family, a man who can provide for my basic needs. but other than that, i do want to be financially independent too, instead of depending on my guy.

being well to do to me is: having alot of money on top of my basic expenses.

being able to live comfortably to me is: having some money on top of my basic expenses. a car isnt a must but it is a long term goal and a bonus.

i'm going to be 20 this year. 11 more months, we'll be celebrating new year's eve again. hopefully still with the same people. yes i do mean you. i'm starting to feel the pressures of the stepping into this 2nd decade of my life. time is going to fly past once i step into this chapter of my life. it scares me as much as i look forward to it. ask me if i want to get married, i cant answer you. at this point in time, no, not yet. i do want to settle down eventually but not now.

i dont know what i'll be doing 6 months from now, after i graduate. people around me have grown up. grown so fast to an extent that what happened in secondary 4 seems like only yesterday. now, 2005, is going to be a whole new beginning. a chapter of my life is beginning to unfold. i'm terrified.

stole this from eve's blog 

the cure

you know what? i finally found the cure, at least a temporary one. no expectations and i'll have no disappointment. like eve, all i can do is take each day as it comes. i'm left without a choice.

have you realised, i stopped messaging you for no reason. i only reply your messages instead of initiating messages if i can. i stopped asking you out. i stopped asking you whether i'm meeting you each day. i dont loiter around your house anymore. i dont tell you about what happens at work, or rather, grumble. i dont expect anything from you. anymore.

this is the only way i can protect myself from heartache and heartbreak. i cannot allow myself to expect something from you. even the littlest things. cos i know for sure, the moment i allow this to happen, my day will be ruined.

you say you dont want to hurt me. but i'm sorry to inform you my dear, you did, not only once. you dont have to do something big to hurt me. making me fall in love with you and treating me like this is hurting me. dont say anything you dont mean, and make sure you mean what you say. what goes around DOES come around.

where's the you i fell in love with? the one i'm still in love with?

letter to my dearest: chapter 2

"I shouldn't have to cry to sleep at night
I shouldn't have to restrain myself from messaging him just to let him miss me
I shouldn't have to be the first to say good morning and good night
I shouldn't have to fight for his time with his friends
And i shouldn't have to go out alone"

~juanz

yes i shouldnt have to do all these too.
i shouldnt have to sit at the dark bus stop holding back my tears.
i shouldnt have to keep my thoughts to myself.
i shouldnt have to make myself smile just so that your day will end well.
i shouldnt have to come home alone.
i shouldnt have to tolerate such nonsense.
i shouldnt have to be on call.
i shouldnt have to fit into your schedule.
i shouldnt have to sit at home and type all these.
i shouldnt have to suffer just to keep you happy.
i shouldnt have to take it that i'm not affected that you never remember our anniversaries.
i shouldnt have to keep finding excuses for everything you do.

ask yourself.
how many times have you said something nice to me from the bottom of your heart?
how many long have you not sent me home?
how much effort you have put into this relationship?
how much effort you have put in to remember things that mean alot to me?

in the first place.
do you know what means alot to me?
do you know what i'm thinking?
do you know how much i'm hurting?
do you know how many times i've cried myself to sleep because of you?
do you know how much i dislike going over to your place and all you do is play computer games?
do you know how much i want you to send me home?
do you know how long you haven't said anything sweet to me?
do you know how much i feel like crying now?
have you every appreciated me?


i try very hard. on days i feel sucky, i try very hard not to let my emotions show. i know for a fact no matter how bad a day i have had, you may have it worse than me. so i try not to let it show so maybe your day will end up better than mine. do you appreciate that?

i've got lots more to say. but i dont see a point in talking anymore. it doesnt change anything.

before and after.

just read juanz' blog. totally agree with that. everything used to be so sweet and sticky in the start. things do change. i cant complain somehow. like what i told lex last night. this happens in every relationship. nothing will last forever. like this honeymoon period.

its not that he doesnt care anymore. maybe he just feels that there isnt a need to be constantly sweet. maybe its tiring to keep giving in everytime.

"it was then attraction. now its more of understanding as a person..."

who am i finding excuses for? why be that sweet in the first place when you cant keep that act up? it will always bring disappointment in the end. i hate this feeling.

he doesnt care. he doesnt appreciate. he doesnt know. he wont do this. he wont believe. he wont listen. he wont trust. he wont worry.

basic complains a girlfriend will have.

BEFORE

"dont be late...cant wait to see you..."

AFTER

"dont be late...i'm very hungry.." followed by calls every 5 mins.

SEE the difference???

GUYS!!! here comes the cliched part. guys will be guys. love them and hate them.

men are from mars, women are from venus...

had a great time shopping with my dearest today. unexpectedly, but yeah. haha. he has been rather cranky recently, in a good mood one day, the next, stay 10 metres away from me that kidn of thing. today is one of his good mood days. talked alot of nonsense that got me laughing like i was having an asthma attack. oh well...one of the many fun times we have. but somehow i do get the idea about the men are from mars, women are from venus book i read some time ago. it said something about letting men stay in their caves from time to time. its not that they dont love us anymore, just that they need time for themselves in their caves. after that, they'll come out by themselves and treat us a whole lot better to make up for it.

i called farena today to ask about her schedule cos doris couldnt get her. apparently she rejected all my calls and simply messaged her schedule to doris and yong kuat. i dont know whats up with that. sometimes its just so hard to help somebody. i cant tell her why i'm doing this, but still i have to do this. let me just be the bad guy.

i should just shut up.

just attended a funeral. got me thinking about things.

he mentioned about going to vietnam again. he really wants to go i can tell. better pay, a change of environment, what's holding him back? unfortunately, he wont tell. i probably wont get to know. makes me question my identity. who am i to him? i'm not trying to talk about status issues here. all i need to know is how much i actually mean to him. he never tells me anything about work, even when i ask. at times when i try, he just brushes me off saying thats just how work is. perhaps he talks to other people about it i really have no idea. i dont know what to think. i dont know if its really cos i think too much or its really the case. i try very hard, very very hard to put myself in his shoes. maybe one day i'll stop trying. that'll be the day i'm really tired of all these.

scenario 1:
if you went about your family business and went to vietnam sooner, i wouldnt have known you. wouldnt have fallen in love with you. wouldnt feel this hopeless right now. i wouldnt have so much to think about. wouldnt have so much to worry about.

scenario 2:
my mind is a blank. there's a thousand and one possibilities and scenarios rushing through my mind. i've got this absolutely strong feeling that he's going to go. that he's gonna be leaving me.

what are you going to do? planning to do? inform me that you're leaving for vietnam on the eve of your flight? hasn't the thought that whatever decision you make, it wouldnt affect your life alone. its gonna affect mine too! dont you get it?!

its really not easy being the supportive girlfriend behind you. keep quiet about my feelings, give you optimism and hope bla bla bla blah. i should just shut up. shouldnt i?

a letter to my dearest

I"m crying baby. Crying hard on the outside, even harder on the inside. crying for me, crying for us....
it's gonna be tough. really tough. even without the possible objections, its gonna take alot of hard work to make it work. can you do that? can i do that? are we able to do that?
You telling me that you may be going vietnam to work, you say it so easily, like a casual statement, as if you were just going dowstairs for a while. you have no idea how big a blow that was to me. it's as though you just told me you're going to leave me. you dont know the pain i'm going through, you have no idea what i've gone through. for you. because of you.
it hurts my dear. it hurts so bad. so deeply inside. i'm so much more in love with you that i thought i would ever be, more than you think i am. you tell me i shouldnt depend so much on you. but you know what? i'm trying very hard. 10 days in camp i can take. at least i know you'll still message me every night at 11 even if i dont message you the whole day. i know you're there. still within reasonable distance. telling me you're going to work in a country so foreign to both you and me, somewhere so far, i probably wont get to see you for like one whole year or so. can you imagine how i feel?
just when i feel that you're really serious about me and i'm prepared to take a step further, you tell me that you may be leaving me. i cant possible tell you how i feel and stop you from going, can i? i know you want to get a good job and do well in your career. i cannot stop you from doing that. i'll just hide how i feel. i'll be happy for you if its a good job and that you'll do well, i really will be. i'll support you 120% all the way. i'll hide my tears, hide my fears and be that supportive girlfriend who's gonna be behind you all the way. i will learn to do that. i will learn to be independent. as much as i love you, i want the best for you.
many times i wonder, how far will we go together. i dont wanna think about too many things, probably take one step at a time. enjoy it while it lasts. i dare not think too far ahead, i dare not think too much. maybe the answer's something i dont want to know. i dont wanna waste your time. i do admit, i have thought of breaking up with you, cos i dont want to waste your time. but i'm afraid i'm gonna regret, and you'll never come back to me. this sea of confusion is drowning me.
its been a wild ride. a dramatic life experience. for now, i'm really happy. i love you my dearest...

the "perfect" world

today was fun! met up with eve, juan n su at coffeebean paragon. juan had to go the moment i reached. to save her relationship. bryant thinks she does not spend enough time with him. oh well...

we were discussing about su's "views and opinions". she really contradicts herself alot. felt like i was running around in circles. couldnt find my main point and i lost track of what i was saying. she seems to have this idea of what she or rather her life should be like and tries hard to make it that way. but somehow, her "perfect" world in her dreams wont happen in reality. sorry su. reality check. the world isnt perfect and it never will be.

i'm glad i went. i had fun. i always do with the jing jang gang. had a really scary thought. we're all going to be 20 this year. soon, we'll be working, some will be studying, then we'll be attending weddings, baby showers bla bla bla... its a scary thought. as much as i anticipate it, i dread it. i dont want it to happen. i dont think i'm ready yet. dont wanna grow up. yet. a lot of responsibilities come with the years and it just comes heavier and heavier. maybe in a couple of years i'll be married, settled down with a job and kids. maybe i'll be happily married, to whoever my future husband is. be it allan anot. it seems a far-fetched thought but somehow, it will happen fast. my new year's resolution shall be to treasure everyday and everyone more. better late than never!

i'm glad i did

had a talk with eve just now. and i'm glad i did. i wont try to find excuses for what i did. not meeting up that sort of thing, but i'll try my best not to anymore. but i felt i had to do something. i couldnt stand it anymore.

my dearest gone for reservist. i miss him bad. but i went to his place to help him feed his fishies just now and i saw the door open. i was shocked..thought someone broke in or something. in the end, it was him and i scared the hell out of him. and he scared the hell out of me. i'm glad he's able to come out during the weekend. i'm not working. actually, i cant work. but he's having fun in reservist. aeroplane chess, poker cards, chinese chess, wine drinking (can you believe it???), suppers, the list just goes on and on... i cant possibly ill-treat myself while he's enjoying himself right? i'm gonna have fun with my friends!

the horriblest thing happened to me yesterday. a lizard, a big fat pale slimy disgusting gross horrible lizard dropped on my shoulder yesterday!!! it probably lost control when it saw me. i walked out of the toilet VERY calmly, then i cried! hahahahah...felt so dumb. it was probably more terrified of me than me of it. but who cares about how it feels. its so disgusting i can still feel its weight on my shoulder!!!

new year's on the way. coming real real real real soon.

caught up with winson today. real fun talking to him. i miss the "intellectual discussions" days. it was good for my brain.

random thoughts

sometimes i wonder. do all things happen for a reason? a reason we're never meant to know, but it still happens. put myself in her shoes. my ex-bf (he still is my bf thank gdness) whom i still have feelings for gets another gf. i know i wont go back to him even if he stills want me back. but it still feels awful. man...that feeling is terrible.

you may think of death as a solution my dear, but dying because you hate yourself isnt going to be a solution. no matter what, you're still gonna be remembered for who you are cos you were like that. dying wont change that. it wont change anything except cease your physical existence, not you in other people's heart. death may be a release for you, ever imagined the lifelong suffering and torture other people who really care about you are going to have? dont be selfish. dont think only of yourself. whether you like it anot, one can never live for oneself. its a fact. an unchangeable fact.

i wish i have a bf who can cook. i honestly do. i have always dreamt of having my boyfriend cook something for me while I wait. well, dreams are never reality. so...it shall remain a dream. buried and unsaid.

i think i think too much. i think even in my sleep. its too exhausting. i can scare the hell out of myself. i think my brain is exploding. i'm taking up too much brain juice.